The Beginning of the Story…

First of all, thank you for being here.  If you are here that means that you may want to become a part of the story that God is weaving us into, and we welcome that.  I decided to start this blog because we are humbled and overwhelmed by the number of you who have contacted us, wishing us well, praying for us, bringing offerings on our behalf during this season.  What we are realizing, though, is that we are not able to keep everyone informed the way that we would like to.  We are simply too tired and too sad to tell it over and over.  This seemed like the best way to involve many of you who we love and need right now, and to update you as far as what is going on and how you can be in prayer for us.
So, let’s start at the very beginning. I’m Angie.  So nice to meet you…I am looking forward to our sharing during this time, even if I don’t know your face right now.  I am married to Todd…amazing, God-given breath of life, Todd.  You may know his voice from Selah, but I hope you will learn his heart here.  We have been married 6 1/2 years, and have three incredible daughters…identical twins Abby and Ellie (5) and the spunkster that is Sarah-Kate (2).  We have learned recently that our fourth daughter, Audrey Caroline, will not officially join our family the way we thought she would.  This is the darkest time of our lives, no question.  BUT, there is unspeakable joy in knowing how God will use this for His glory.  We beg you to engage yourself in the latter more so than the former, as this is where we are resting now.
In a way, the story of Audrey’s sickness began with a bunny.  While shopping for my best friend Audra (the baby is named after her and also my middle name, Carole), I came across a bunny that for some reason, I just fell in love with.  I told Todd that it reminded me of Audrey and I wanted to buy it for her…he did not fall in love with the price tag the way I fell in love with the bunny, so we moved on to another store.  Later that night, as I rocked Kate to sleep, I began to weep.  We had no indication that there was a problem with the baby, but my intuition had been busy since conception.  As I rocked, I saw the face of that silly bunny and I could not stop the tears (for those of you just meeting me, crying over stuffed animals falls into the “unusual” category…).  I told Todd about the incident and he decided maybe we should go back….we didn’t get the chance for a few days.
On Monday, January 7th, I went in for a 20 week ultrasound.  My mother in law was in town (she felt for some reason that she should stay for my appointment, and cancelled her scheduled flight a few days prior).  When the ultrasound began, the air in the room shifted.  I was asked the kind of questions that no mother ever wants to hear from a stranger.  After she looked for a few minutes, she said,  ”I am very concerned about this baby.  I need to get the doctor and the geneticist in here and they will talk to you.”
I began to feel dizzy..I asked her if I could hug her (this, on the other hand, falls into the “not unusual” category).  I climbed down off the table and sat by Todd, laying my head in his lap and whispering, “Is this happening?” just before the doctor came in.  There was no time for an answer.  He was a very sweet, God-sent man who made the next few moments as bearable as one human could.  He told me that as he did the ultrasound, he would be mumbling to his geneticist, and that I should take no note of this.  At the end, they would tell me what was going on.  This was a moot point, as everyone in the room knew that the mumbling was just a quiet way of whispering death.  It so happened that the mumbling (to add to the “scene from a movie” quality of the moment) was in French.  He is a world renowned researcher who developed the measuring system for fetuses while in the womb.  And I don’t speak French. I barely speak Spanish after three years of high school classes, unless I am inquiring either 1) your name or 2) where the bathroom is.
It didn’t matter…we all knew what he was saying.
When he finished, he turned to me as a father might to his daughter and (I will never forget this) put his hand gently on my knee, as if to acknowledge that I was fragile, and that his intention was not to break me.
“Your child, she has many conditions.  Her kidneys are poly cystic and her heart is much too large.  Each of these is a lethal condition.  There is no amniotic fluid, her lungs are not developing…..you will have some choices to make and……..”  The rest is a blur, which lasted all of five minutes and most of eternity.  Todd went to get his mother in the waiting room, and the kind Belgian man asked me what I was thinking.  I don’t know where these words came from (actually I do), and I said, “I think that my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked into this room.” He stared at me, not comprehending, but possibly relieved that whatever these silly notions were in my mind, at least they were keeping me calm until he could get out of harm’s way.  As my mother in law came in, I kept repeating, “He’s no different, it’s okay, He’s no different…”  We just sat and gathered ourselves for a moment. I wiped off the jelly from my skin and looked at the now empty picture being broadcast on the wall.  It felt like a dream, like a long, confusing dream.
The geneticist came in and guided us to her office.  She was so kind, so gentle.  She herself had lost 4 babies.  One she carried to term with full knowledge of her impending death, and at least one other she chose to release from the womb.  She recommended the latter in my case and I think she gave a lot of good reasons why that would make sense.  I just nodded and focused on breathing.  That was enough.  We hugged her and walked out of the office and back into the hustling, bustling world that was still somehow moving all around me.  I kept it together until I talked to Audra.  We have been the best of friends for about a dozen years.  I cannot tell you the life we have celebrated together, and the time that we have mourned for each other, rejoiced for each other, prayed for each other.  And yet the sound that was coming out of my mouth was unrecognizable to both of us.  She heard about three words before she jumped in her car and started over to my house.
I checked into Centennial Women’s Hospital that evening.  I spent about 10 weeks there with my twins, so it feels like my stomping ground.  There is one particular doctor, who, humanly speaking, saved Abby and Ellie’s lives.  He travels quite a bit, and is much in demand, so he is very rarely in the hospital.  This just so happened to be his week of hospital rotation (hmm…just so happened…), and he would see me in the morning for a confirmation of the diagnosis I had received.  Against any explanation I could give, 5 1/2 years after I knew him, he still remembered me.  He told my OB that he remembered my red hair and my smile.  This is interesting to me, because I don’t ever remember smiling during that time. I am glad to know he remembers this.  He requested that his technician not do the ultrasound until he was in the room, so she patiently waited (for about 2 hours) while he did some emergency surgeries in the hospital.  I cried when he walked in.  It just brought me right back, and yet under circumstances unfathomably worse.
“I kind of hoped I would never see you again, Angie,” he said with the sweetness of a man who spends his days watching mommies lose their babies.
“Likewise, Dr. Fortunato.  But I am so glad it’s you.”  My heart knew that he would find the same things we already knew, but it felt safer, more manageable.  He spent much more time looking at Audrey than the other doctors, and they let us watch her move around as they spoke.  My doctor arrived during this time, and we began discussing options.  Dr. Trabue, my O.B., used to perform abortions many years ago.  He has dedicated his many, many latter years to a God that has forgiven him, but left him with battle scars.  We had no question where he stood.  Taking her now would be taking a life.  It was not gray.  They stayed with us for about an hour and a half, which is remarkable, because when I was there in 2002, we nicknamed Dr. Fortunato “the bullet” because he was so quick to speak and then run out the door.  During those weeks, we formed an unlikely bond, and he would share his research with me and with Todd.  He talked to me like a person and not like a patient, and I am forever grateful for that.  After the girls were born safe and sound against the odds, he told me he believed that my God had performed a miracle.  I agree, and if and when you meet them, you will as well.  
I told him that I had another daughter…he looked up, so surprised.
“Any complications?” he asked.
I had to get a one liner in there somewhere…
“Not until she was born” I replied.  We laughed a sweet laughter that defied the moment.  When you meet Kate, you will laugh with us.  She is life personified.  Such a busy little joy.
After all the words were said, we got our things together and left the hospital.
“We’re going to get the bunny” Todd said with absolute resolution, maybe more so than at any moment thus far.
We got to Anthropologie, the home of the bunny, and walked frantically over to the toy rack.  More than a week had passed, and without speaking, we both wondered if she would still be there.  Todd found one first, and showed it to me.  
“I think it’s the last one.”
Right as he spoke, I saw two little ears sticking out of a toy barrel and I reached for them.  As I lifted it out, breath escaped my body quickly, without permission. 
 She had a black, permanent mark on her heart.  This was the bunny God had given us.
We cried and walked to the register (what an odd sight, I’m sure).  The saleslady tried to scratch off the mark and Todd told her that we were quite certain it would remain there.  She told him there was one other one and we explained that this was the one we wanted.  We went to eat lunch and we talked about life.  The new form of life.
We decided that she would stay with us until the Lord takes her.  We don’t know the hour or the way, but I guess that isn’t any different for the rest of us.  We also decided that we want to LIVE in the coming weeks.  We are taking  her to Disney World at the end of the month so the girls can show her Cinderella’s Castle.  We have so many plans for such a short time.
There is more, much more, but I am sure you are tired and I am also tired.
We covet your prayers that this life will do things for God that we cannot imagine.  One day I will tell the full story of the Blog Title, but for now, I will leave you with these words, and my most sincere thanks for listening.  You are now a part of what God has chosen, and I rejoice over that.
“Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings your glory
And I know there’ll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that’s what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain”
Mercy Me, “Bring the Rain”
Love, gratitude, and hope.
Angie

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  • Jessica

    praying for you all. love you very much. xoxo

  • Naomi Solomon

    I just finished reading your story about your sweet girls! Know we are praying for your family and that God will carry you through this time!

  • forestsister

    bless your heart. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  • Joseph DuLaney

    We are with you.

  • beth barcus

    Angie,
    Thank you for blessing all of us w/ the opportunity to get to know your 4th daughter and how she has and will impact our world. We love you all are are praying for you.

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • The Mieles: Jerry, Julie & Caleb

    Ang you know that we are surrounding you and your family with prayer at this time. We love the five of you!

  • todsandberg

    Amber and I will continue to pray for you and your family. May God deliver you and bring you a miracle baby. And that He would be greatly glorified through this.

  • Tiffany

    I am praying for you and your family. My heart breaks for you. Jesus is the same…He will carry you through this.

  • Nan

    Angie,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. You should be a writer. I have laughed and cried my way through this. Please know that we are keeping you, Todd, and your four girls wrapped in prayer.
    Love,
    Nan

  • His Princess at 43

    Wow, girl! I now know that a person can laugh out loud and cry uncontrollably at the same exact moment! Keep giving Him all the glory He deserves. I know all about His “bringin’ the rain”. What I’ve learned is that these are the times that you will meet God. He will give you exactly what you need when you need it (remember lipstick and gum?) – more than you can ask or imagine. That’s so you’ll depend on Him. He loves your baby girl. Thanks for the blog. I love you all tons!
    Regina

  • Amelia Elaine

    you are an amazing woman and you have an amazing family. God will do immeasureably more through the telling of your story than I am sure you can imagine right now. thanks for being so courageous!

  • Daeon White

    ang,
    my heart cries for you, and rejoices in your strength and faith at the same time. we are covering you, Todd, and the girls in prayer!
    Love, Daeon

  • Gigi

    Friends who love you, J.J. and Dan Francis, shared your story, blog and prayer request for your precious baby. I will join in with the chorus of many praying for you and your family. God is being glorified through you!

  • KT

    Todd & Angie,
    Thank you for sharing your story during this very dark season. May God’s light shine through so that Audrey Caroline may bring you joy and peace.

    **you don’t know me, but I know Jim & Nancy & Shawn & Rob.

  • Adrienne and Jim

    Oh sweet Angie,

    I wish I had the right words to say to you right now. I know the pain of seeing an ultrasound technician staring and looking for what seems like hours at the ultrasound screen, the uneasiness of listening to the doctors converse about what they see, followed by a blank ultrasound screen. I have not been through what you are going through, but I have lost four babies and will be thinking of and praying for you as you continue to carry your precious Audrey Caroline. Thank you for sharing her story. I admire your strength and courage as you go through each day you will be blessed to spend with her. “Bring the Rain” always brings me to tears and yet gives me such strength to carry on. We don’t know the path God has chosen for us, but we do know He will carry us every step of the way. May He give you peace as you cherish and remember each day with Audrey Caroline and continue to enjoy the beautiful blessings of Ellie, Abby, and Kate! Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you and your precious family.

  • Melissa P.

    oh, i am so so sorry to hear about this. know that i will be committed to praying for you and checking back often. blessings upon each one of you for this season. -melissa platt

  • Gavin

    Precious Angie (and Todd & Sweet Little Ones that I wish I knew),

    My heart is breaking for you right now. Reading your story is painful and beautiful all at the same time. All I know to do is pray without ceasing.

    I commit to you that my family and I will pray daily and frequently. You are now on “the list” as my chart-topper. I’ll also do some recruiting of very dependable prayer warriors.

    I pray right now that God will indeed be glorified by you and your family. But I pray even harder for a Miracle. I pray that God will give you at Miracle to demonstrate once again his awesome power and his dominion over all of the Earth.

    I pray right now that God will give you and your family daily strength, and a Peace that reaches beyond our Earthly understanding.

    I pray right now that your Faith in Jesus our Lord will be strengthened.

    I pray that God’s Angels will surround you and Todd, will surround your home and will surround your girls, and that you will hear their sweet music in your most quiet times. That in those times of stillness you will know beyond a doubt that He Is Lord.

    I pray right now that your family and friends will gather around you and hold up your arms in the coming battle – that they will Lift you up to Jesus our King – daily asking for his favor to shine upon you, and be gracious to you.

    I will keep praying this prayer for you in the in the Name of Jesus until you tell me to stop, and maybe even longer.

    Gavin

  • lkneefel

    Dear Todd and Angie,
    What joy and light you always bring to everyone’s life. Please feel all the love, hugs, and prayers coming your way from Michigan. Let Audrey Caroline know that if Dutch Blitz is played in heaven, she can be on my team. Kisses to all the girls.

    Love you all,
    Linda Kneefel

  • Debbie

    Angie and Todd
    Amazing story, written by an amazing woman. Our thoughts and prayers continue for you, and Todd, and the girls, and even little Audrey. I find peace knowing that our Lord and Savior will always be with Audrey.
    God Bless
    We Love You as Family
    Debbie,Tom, Samantha & Kori

  • Beth Clark

    I’m praying for you and your family. I’m praying that God will comfort you and hold you in a way that is only possible for God to accomplish. I’m amazed (not surprised) by your faith and know that this sweet baby girl is a life changer!

  • Leigh

    Angie,

    I met you in Nancy Dunn’s bible study this past summer ( I am the one that talked to you about Africa and missions). Just wanted you to know that you and your family are in our prayers. I am thankful that you have Dr. Trabue. He is my Dr. as well. He is such a sweet soul. God Bless,

    Janelle Grass and family

  • Leisha

    May you continue to rest in Him who has given you this tremendous strength. You are amazing! We will continue to lift you and your precious family up in prayer. Love, Leisha

  • BusyBeeMom

    His name is Immanuel! God With Us! We partner with you in prayer, and praise God for your precious family. May God bless you with peace overflowing as you face these difficult days.

    Aaron and Laura (Jones) Horton
    “Old” Belmont Friends, C/0 1997

  • Jeanne Southwood

    Angie, I was moved to tears by what you have written, and wanted you to know how absolutely inspiring your faith and courage are to me. Thank you for sharing this. I will keep you in my prayers — I know God is watching over you and your precious family.

    Jeanne Southwood

  • J.C. and Barbara Haynes

    Todd & Angie – we are praying for you as you share these days with Audrey, Ellie, Abby & Sara. I pray to our God – who allowed John the Baptist to be filled with the Spirit in his mother’s womb – that He will fill Audrey with His Spirit and that these brief days of suffering for her will prepare her for worship indescribable. Abby & Ellie, I miss you in Sunday School and look forward to seeing you again soon. Love to you all and our prayers, J.C., Barbara, Ian & June Haynes

  • jamie cobb

    I am so very sad to hear about baby Audrey. I think of you everyday. Please know that our family will be praying for all of you. May the world see what I see in you… the face of Jesus. You are truly radiant. It is inspiring to see you giving praise in the midst of your storm. May God bless and sustain you.

  • Mama Lorella

    Dear Todd and Angie,

    Our hearts break for you. Angie, you have done such a beautiful job of sharing such a difficult story. May Jesus get glory out of it, as we are sure He already has by your enduring faith. I will always remember your bunny with the band aid over the boo boo on his heart. May God place his very special, very healing band aid over your hearts. We love you and your precious family.
    Much Love, Aunt Lorella & Uncle John

  • Christy

    Dear Todd and Angie,
    I can’t even imagine being in your position, but the beautiful gifts of a loving God allow me to be moved deeply in my spirit to cry in intercession for you. I know our God is the same and He is in control of everything. You are all in His hands. Thank you for having the courage to share your lives with us. My sister and I sing and our favorite music to sing is Selah songs. Thank you for all you have given. I believe you will be blessed in return. I am praying and believing with you. To God be the glory.

  • Christy

    Todd and Angie,
    I can’t imagine being where you are. However, I have and am walking some very difficult places also, and through the beautiful gifts of our awesome God, I am crying in intercession for you all. He is the same. No matter what we walk through He never changes, only we do and if we surrender to His will it will always be for the good. Romans 8:28 is my favorite verse in the Bible. I find much strength in it during hard and even impossible times. Your family is going to be blessed. You give so much. My sister and I sing and our favorite songs to sing are Selah songs. Thank you for having the courage to share your lives with us. I am praying for you and believing with you and for you. Our God is more than enough. I think being a christian is such a great thing, because it is the only thing I have ever been where I can say to someone I have never even met I love you and feel it and mean it because of the bond we have in our Lord and Savior Christ Jesus!!! Be blessed and covered in Him!

  • Terri

    Dear Todd & Angie,
    I just re-read your story, I’ve sent it on to Mark, he sent it on to Katie & I printed it for Mom & Dad. Your all in my prayers & thoughts & I’m sending love & hugs. Love you, your cousin Terri
    And Aunt Gerry, Uncle Paul, Mark & Katie

  • Katie

    When Todd told us about your baby last night, I couldn’t help but cry. I miscarried in Oct 07 and it’s so fresh in my mind. But God has been faithful thru it all. The peace & strength He has given me is unexplainable. I just feel like He placed his arms around me and carried me thru it all. And it was weird cuz life went on. We kept living….yes God is so good! (Ok, tears are coming now)
    I’m praying for you & I know God will sustain you too.
    Love,
    Katie Pruett

  • DMK

    Angie and Todd, thank you for sharing your journey. May God pour Himself out through Audrey and use her life and yours to bring others to His kingdom..
    Dec. 17th 2006, 20yr Theresa Marie Kayser was called home to dance with her Maker. She was the baby of our family, a Junior in college and her death was a shock. Totally unexpected. Yet, this past year has been an incrediable journey as I have watched God pour Himself out and through others as the direct result of Theresa’s death.
    You are in my prayers. DMK

  • claire

    Oh Angie,
    So I read and I sob and then I can’t seem to write. All I keep thinking is that I HAVE to tell you that I am a “measurer” too and that my friends make fun of me for it. How ridiculous is that? That is the thing that keeps popping into my mind right now that seems to cause a break in the sobbing.
    I love you and miss you so much and I am so frustrated that I can’t be nearer to you. Please know that a little family in Summerfield, NC is praying for each of you. That God is using Audrey to teach us all amazing things about Him. That Jackson’s and Sydney’s lives will be changed because of Audrey.

  • Mariquita

    Angie and Todd,
    There are so many of us praying for you and little Audrey.
    I have walked in your shoes and know the heartache of being told to plan a funeral during pregnancy. God is good and my daughter is now 12 and doing well. She has had 16 brain shunt surgeries and only has one kidney but is a miracle child that has changed my life and has survived all odds. God will decide when it is time for Audrey to come home to him, and he will demonstrate his glory through this experience. I am a completely different woman since the birth of my child and I praise God for it. I keep Jer 29:11 close to my heat.. cherish these words for Audrey… I have always thought it would be so special if Selah would write a song from that verse for so many of us with special children. You have all given so much to many of us..the perfect word when we needed to hear it.. it is now our time to support you in any way we can during this time in your life.

  • debbie

    Angie,

    I learned of this blog through my church(CPC) prayer chain. Thank you for sharing. You are in my prayers.God bless you. Debbie Jamison

  • Lisa Sparks

    Angie you dont know me. I’m Lisa. My mother used to work as Dr.Trabues nurse for many years (Glenda) and I work for Maternal Fetal Group. I just reviewed your baby picts. with Patti to put our heads together. I want you to know that is why God put us in this job!! We love what we do and have a great passion for our patients and (our babies). I love your blog and your amazing heart for the lord!! God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I will put you and your family on my prayer list @ church , The River and we will ask for a miracle!!! Please let me know when you come in again I would love to meet you and give you a hug. We will pray without ceasing. God Bless you!

  • Yellow

    Angie, I’m praying for a miracle for your family right now. God bless you and keep you.

  • chasity

    hello- i just read your story. Sherry Mullins had told me your story, due to I went thru almost identical situation with my 11 month old son. I want you to know, you are completely correct… God makes miracles happen. My son was not suppossed to live, everyone told me to abort, he is such a blessing- true blessing. As a mom, I want to tell you to keep fighting for your daughter,you are all she has. No matter what they tell you, you fight for her. We spent my last four months of pregnancy and then still fighting for him today. I will continue to pray for your daughter. And I will continue to pray the God keeps giving you the strength. If you want to talk, or would like to hear my story, please email me at ochasity@aol.com.

  • klh4him

    One of my Selah CDs recently broke in half. I went online today to see what songs were on that CD. I came across the prayer request for your family. I have spent the last half hour walking through your world. My tears are flowing, not only as a result of the challenge God has placed before you, but of your beautiful, amazing faith. I also “hear” the amazing love that your daughters have for Jesus, and I am blessed. Your family will be placed into our prayer jar tonight, and we will be lifting you all up daily.

  • Anonymous

    “Impossible” is also “im possible”. All things are possible with God. I was in bible study at Shawn’s with you. I am praying for you all.

  • Guesschoir

    Angie -
    I am an old childhood friend of Crystal Robinson. She is an amazing Christian friend who taught me to “let go and let God”. As a control freak, giving it all to God had been a difficult battle that I finally concurred. A week after giving all control to him, I became pregnant with our beautiful daughter who is now 15 months old. God’s grace amazes me everyday. Crystal sent me the link to your blog so that I can join the hundreds in prayer for you, your blessed baby and your amazing family. Your story brought me to tears and made me smile. You are an inspiration. Many prayers for you all as you take this journey that God has planned for you, through the rain and into rich soils of green light. ~Karrie

  • marge

    praying for you and your family daily. your faith and insight inspire me! As does the beautiful music of Selah! Thank you for sharing him ,and your journey through this “rainy “time in your life.
    ” And now unto Him who is able to do exceeding, abundantly above all that we ask or think ,according to thr power that worketh in us, unto him be glory in the church by ChristJesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen!
    asister in Christ, Marjorie

  • Anonymous

    WOW.

    this is amazing.

    you have truly inspired me to continue to grow in my relationship with God.

  • Anonymous

    This is so odd how I found your blog and your story. How did I get here? It’s is TOTALLY the Lord! I was at the Selah website where I am buying the CD set. What is so strange about this? I was just talking to my kids about a dear friend whose daughter would be the same age as one of our other daughters (7) but went to be with the Lord one week after her birth. My dear friend and her husband found out the same way you did that their sixth child (a daughter) had been diagnosed with anancephaly when she was three months pregnant. My oldest daughter played the vioin along w/ my husband and friend who sang “Precious Lord” – I was listening to Selah on You Tube singing this just yesterday and talked to my kids about my friend’s baby whose name was “Precious” – I will never, ever forget how brave they were carrying their baby to full term. My oldest daughter now has a son and my other friends who knew this friend felt this lady was a very good example of letting God take Precious when it was “HIS” time not anyone else’s. I am sharing (and believe me there were so many miracles in this story) this with you, praying and loving your family (PS we live in TN too – my kids wanted me to tell you that!). If you wish, you could email me personally at chatkat@bellsouth.net. May God bless you and we will be praying for miracles for your little one.

  • Brenda Eddy

    I have just returned home from a Selah concert in Canandaigua NY. The music was incredible! Todd touched us all with the heart-wrenching story of your beautiful Audrey. He told us of your blog site and I cried once again for your entire family after reading your journal entries. May God continue to Bless You All with strength, love, and faith. I truly believe that Audrey’s spirit will always know that she was blessed with such a loving Mom, Dad and sisters.

  • Old DAN AND Little ANN

    I was told about your site from Adrienne Flemming. We both adopted baby boys from the same baby home in Russia within the past year. I started reading your most recent post and ended up reading them all. You talked about a children’s Bible that told the stories of the Bible in a beautiful way. Awhile back, I heard someone say that they had prayed that God would make their life like one of the stories in the Bible . As He answered that request, the individual was in awe of what a painful process it was for God to develop a testimony of His faithfulness and strength in her life. Just reading your heart tonight, I know you will see your story to completion and that God will be glorified. When Audrey gets to heaven, she will meet our two little ones too; Hannah and Amos. They never had to put up with Dan and I’s imperfect parenting. Natalie, Lydia, and Dmitry will have to fill them in on all they missed! :) May His right arm uphold you and cause you to stand. Much love in the beloved.

  • Kelly

    I just found your site and I am so sorry to hear you story. This post was beautifully written and I know that your little Audrey is loved so much. Not only by ya’ll but by Jesus Himself. I pray that His peace will roll over you and that He will hold you in His hand. Thank you for sharing this.

  • Anonymous

    Dear Angie,
    I came across this blog through a friend’s blog today. I have read through many of the posts, and just cried. I have lost 2 babies, but both through miscarriage. One of which who’s due date was yesterday. I know it’s not the same, though. I also have my miracle, my son, who is almost 18 months old.
    I’m praying for you, your family, and for sweet baby Audrey. I know God is the God of miracles, and His will will be done.
    I wish I could hug you in real life.
    Much love and prayers,
    Krista

  • Marc Backes

    May the God of hope give you all hope. And may He comfort you in the days and weeks ahead. I’ll be praying for you, but more important than that, Jesus is interceding for you..(Romans 8)

  • Anonymous

    Happened to stay home from work today and read your story -passing it along among friends. Thank you for sharing. Your faith is a blessing, your family a testimony. I’m reminded in a big way that God’s grace is the greatest gift and miracle…
    Your family is in my prayers. -Love, Natalie from Cicero, NY

  • Anonymous

    My friend Natalie passed your blog onto me and many other friends, and I will be passing it on to more. I am also the mother of 4 girls. No matter how long or brief her life is, your baby is blessed to have the love of her parents and sisters. You will be in our prayers.
    Kelly

  • Anonymous

    Children are little miracles and blessings from God and I value that you have chosen to see this through to the end instead of ending it. God works in mysterious ways and it is refreshing that you have pointed out so many positives in light of the darkness. My prayers are with you and your family.
    God Bless.

  • Alyssa

    i found your blog through a friend, rachel h.
    i lost my daughter 4 months ago and it has been the hardest, darkest and most painful part of my walk with the Lord and time in my life. i haven’t always treated this loss with grace and replaced it with much anger and bitterness in the beginning as i struggled to figure out why we lost our daughter, why i felt so abandoned by my God as a believer who should always feel His presence. reading your words, your story, your journey- listening to your heart and your infectious spirit and peace that seems to abound from every sentence; i am touched. i am blessed. i am so changed by your words, hearing your story and i admire your resilience and Joy that you CHOOSE to follow in. what an example, what a witness…to so many, but especially to this grieving mom who has taken your sweet audrey’s story as a balm to my spirit and an encouragement to my own story of my sydney. praying for you sweet stranger.

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m very sorry for your time and trials and most especially for your pain. Your story has compelled me (and I’m sure others) to pray for you. I pray that the Lord guides you and comforts you in this unimaginable time.

  • Lianna in Maine

    I just received a bulletin from Selah (on myspace), saying your family needed prayers for losing your daughter.(I had just recently added them.)I didn’t know anything about your family except that I can praise my God through the Selah music.
    Angie, your words upon finding out about your precious Audrey’s condition meant so much to me. I thank you for sharing that in the midst of the greatest sorrow, there is still praise of Jesus on your lips. Your family is in my prayers.

  • Anonymous

    I send nothing but love hope and prayers to you and your family. God has a plan for all of us, and everything happens for a reason. Just through your story alone you have had so much love and concern sent your way. Your story has brought people back to their faith and made a believer out of others. Audrey has touched so many lives already without having even been born. No matter the results, she is still your little miracle. A miracle of how much love has already been pulled through, and shown by everyone. Best love and wishes.

  • Mae

    Dear Angie,
    I’m so sorry that you’re going through. It is a very difficult journey to walk… My hearts go out to you & your family for your loss.
    My baby, Matthew, was diagnosed with Anencephaly during the 20months detail scan in 2006. We, too, were given a choice. Like you, we chose Life & let God decide when He’ll bring him home. God bless us with 25 hours with him. Here is a link to some of our photos & brief story.
    http://emmaoh.fotopages.com/?entry=855316&back=http://emmaoh.fotopages.com/?page=3
    I pray for His peace & comfort to be upon you & your family during this difficult time of saying goodbyes or til you meet again.
    God bless,
    Mae (mtan@ppg.com)

  • Anonymous

    Angie and Todd and your little ones, I am praying for you all, especially little Audrey. May God bless you with peace and understanding. We know not what God has in store for you, but we know that He is in control. May God bless you all…always. In Jesus Name, Amen! Hugs, Joanne S.

  • Shannon

    My heart is heavy for you and your family. You are all in my prayers. I have no words of wisdom, no cliches, no scripture that can help your pain other than to tell you that you are not alone in it.

  • Jenni Saake

    Raining tears as I get to know you more and more. Rejoicing that your precious youngest will never know anything other than the glory of God’s grace. Yet aching with you in the heartache of being “left behind” until Reunion Day. {{{hugs}}}

    Jenni
    Mommy to 3 on earth and (at least) 3 more in Heaven
    http://www.HannahsHopeBook.com

  • The Evans Family

    I am so moved by your story, your strength and your love. I cannot retrace how I came upon your blog but obviously I needed to read all about your family. I will pray for all of you!

  • Terri

    I can’t tell you how much your sharing has meant to me. I didn’t find out until Sunday before Audry’s birth, but I felt as though I was walking through it with you all. Every few moments, I tried to imagine what you would be thinking. It was like the Spirit was sharing your pain and reminding me to pray and what to pray about. I wept for you, as I prayed first for a miracle and then for peace. Our God is a faithful God. I know Audry’s story will be used for His Glory. I am praying for you in the times ahead. May God bless you richly!
    In Christ,
    Terri

  • Candace Cameron Bure

    I came across your blog today seeing Todd’s picture on celebritybabyblog.
    - and I’m in such tears for you. I’m so sorry- and yet so joyful that we KNOW we will see Audrey again one day. Isn’t God and Heaven amazing? I bet you can’t wait for the day.
    I miscarried last year and the promise of knowing I’ll see my baby is pure peace and joy.
    I will continue to pray for each of you. My heart goes out to you.
    ~Candace Cameron Bure

  • Anonymous

    He’s still the same! Wow, that’s beautiful! Thank you for reminding me. I needed to read that today.
    Yesterday, Today and Forever!
    Love and hugs to you, Amy

  • Anonymous

    Prayers and tears for you and your family. God will prove Himself to be faithful to you; we’ve walked a similar dark valley; HE will not fail you! May “the rain” ultimately bring cleansing comfort and renewed hope. We will ALL meet your Audrey someday in heaven!

  • Bevy

    So sorry to read about the baby Audrie! The song “Bring the Rain” was playing right when I hit the words on your blog …
    Cute bunny – I hope it still comforts you! God bless and hang in there!

  • Cheryl Hurt

    Revelation 21:3 “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

  • Terry

    Dear Angie,
    This is my first time to visit here and it won’t be my last.
    I want to read all about your precious little girl.
    I came down from Donna’s prayer blog.
    I have not had too much of a chance to be there lately.

    I have a friend and “Selah” is her favourite group.
    This girl lost three babies before they were born and I was so amazed how she took it and never showed bitterness. She just clung to the Lord.
    Well two years ago the Lord blessed her and her husband with a beautiful baby boy and now she is due just any day now for another child…
    God bless you for sharing such a sweet story…From Terry

    PS..Just so wonderful that although this is the “Beginning of the Story”, there will never be an “End of the Story”!
    Audrey Caroline is with the Lord in heaven where time will never end!

  • Amanda

    God bless your family Angie and Todd. Audrey will be missed but there’s no question that she was loved by all.

  • Patsy

    Dear Angie, Todd, and Family,
    My heart aches with yours. But I rejoice with you, also, in the faith that we have in our Lord Jesus Christ. I, myself, have 2 children in Heaven. One was a very premature little girl who spent 2-1/2 months with us and then went on before us to Heaven. The other, a 38-year-old son who was taken during heart surgery in 2003. Like Little Audrey, his heart was not strong enough to sustain life. Even when we trust in God’s goodness and mercy, I know the pain of your loss. May God give you many revelations, as He did me, to get you through the coming months. He alone can comfort your hearts and give total peace to your spirits. Remember that you have a special gift in Heaven and she will be there to meet you at the Gate. May God’s comforting presence sustain you during this time of sorrow. My love & prayers for you and your family.

  • AlissaSmiles

    Angie,

    I am an old college friend of Todds. Dr. Trabue was also my OB. And we have a Kate. All things that tie my heart to yours and bring me to tears and to my knees in prayer for y’all.

    Thank you for opening yourself during such a private and vulnerable time to share your story. Audrey has indeed blessed the world. Standing with you as a mother and praying for strength and perfect peace to sustain you.

    Alissa Anderson

  • Anonymous

    I praying for you and your family as you go through this hard time. I am really sorry for the loss but God wanted her to be with him in Heaven. Praise God she is in a peaceful place.

  • Michelle in Kentucky

    Angie,
    What a beautiful story and a wonderful testimony of faith and God’s presence. This blog was forwarded to me and at such an interesting time. I just had a conversation a couple of days ago about being pro-life as we are approaching our local elections in our small KY town. One local candidate for our state senate was asked during an interview if he was pro-life. His response was “most of the time” as he felt that there were some situations and medical conditions that warranted a “choice”. I do not agree with that. I feel that we are called to be pro-life no matter what and God will take care of us and sustain us. Your story is confirmation to this as we see that God had plans for your sweet baby even when doctors felt that they knew best. Perhaps a large part of the plan was to send a message to the health care professionals involved in her care. We may never know on this earth what the full plan was, it could have been only to touch the heart and soul of one person. I know that God is smiling on you and your family and may he continue to bless you all. Your story touched my heart.

  • livc

    I can only say that God will hold you tightly at this time and although you may not always feel him He will be there. I lost a daughter myself five years ago and curious enough her name was Abby. We did not find out until she was born her ails and still had hard choices to make to let her join God again or let her be ill and face trouble for a maximum of 4 years. I would not wish our path on our worst enemy. And still would not change the nineteen days with her for the world. Cry-Weep-Smile at the memories you made with your special angel- they will last a lifetime. I do not know how I found this page but it found me and I am glad to have read your story and felt your pain. My prayers will be with you as the passing time will be hard. Hold onto your bunny- mine was a tigger and it made me smile. Peace be with you! Lots of Love- Olivia

  • Lost Without You

    I have not read the entire blog yet because of the tears that started to fall from my eyes. I am in the same situation as you, On April 10th 2007 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, his name is William. I felt like now my life had started over and I had been forgiven for everything that I have done in the past and I was going to be the best mom to him and blossom into the woman that God has called me to be. Everything was going well, I was just loving life. In October my best friend was having a party for her son so I went to the party and later on that night my husband’s old co-worker was having a birthday party as well so we went from one to the other. The day was perfect and it was getting late, so at about 12:20 a.m. October 28th my husband went upstairs to get all of the kids together. When he got up there he screamed my name, he said he is not breathing. I did not know what to do, so I dropped to my knees and I starting praying. All I can remember is praying, please let him be ok, I will be a better mom, please let him be ok. The paramedic came and they were trying to revise him, but it was to late. They tried for so long, and I just knew that he was going to be ok, he was a strong boy and such a happy baby. And something that my mother-in-law always says, God takes care of babies and fools. So I just knew that he was alright. But on October 28th 2007 my 6 month old son passed away. It has been 6 months since it has happened and I still feel like I am living in a dream. I look at my daughter and sometime I feel bad for her because she sees me this way. I feel like I am not a complete person and it still hurts and always will. I say all that to say, I understand and all you can do is think about the good times no matter how short it was. Because she was here for a reason and her purpose was served. I know it is easier said than done, believe me I know but just put your faith in Him and He will take care of you and your family.

  • penguinsandladybugs

    I will pray.

  • onehm

    Your strength and faith is beautiful. Your daughters are blessed to have such wonderful parents.
    With love,
    Ashley

  • Amy

    I was shown your blog by a friend and have read the entire thing over the last two nights. I couldnt handle it all in one day. I am in awe of how you and your family have handled Audreys life. I too am a Believer but I am not sure I would have done as well as you. I am praying for your sweet family and will never forget your story.

  • Steffie B.

    My parents went through this as well. I lost two siblings due to polycystic kidneys and under delevoped lungs….this has brought back many memories for me….I have just stumbled upon your blog and will continue to read on to find out what has happened.

    Keeping you in my prayers…

  • Anonymous

    Dear Angie,

    My sister-in-law forwarded me a link to your blog. My heart was immediately knit to yours. We lost our little Selah last Friday afternoon. I know the ache…the exhaustion…the tears in the midst of God’s goodness. We weep with you…

    With Love even though I don’t know you,
    Kara Chupp

    Beaverton, Oregon

  • Ally

    My sister shared your blog with me and I immediately was blessed by your words. I inturn shared your story with others. I have a friend who is going through a similar situation and needed to hear God’s words through you. I also have another friend who was so struck by your faith she has started questioning if she really knows the God who is this powerful! Praise the Lord and thank you for your bold testimony!

  • Emily

    I came across your blog by way of several others. You are a lucky girl to have such an amazing family. I’ll be thinking about you and checking back.
    Thank you for sharing.

  • Becky

    Thank you for sharing your story–our Caroline would be 4 this July….it’s amazing how many of us have a story of a precious life cut short yet forever in the arms of Jesus–praise the Lord!

  • Miranda

    I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story with strangers like myself. I hope you realize just how blessed we all are to have someone like you in our lives. You are truly a miracle in itself.

  • Jewels of My Heart

    I am humbled… thank you for sharing your daughter’s story and for glorifying the Lord….. I will pray for you…. for God’s peace that surpasses all understanding…. and I will pray that after this storm…. He will bring you a rainbow….
    He will give you beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning….
    He is faithful…

  • Jayme Cox

    Hi there! Did you get a diagnosis of PKD (polycystic Kidney Disease)I lost my second child a boy to PKD which in fact causes cystic kidney’s, no amniotic fluid and under developed lungs. He would be 5 May 31st. On May 19th,2008 I was at a funeral for a very dear friend of mine who was forced to bury her 2nd child due to PKD. God is the one that heals our wounded and broken hearts. He brings the light into our dark paths. I am praying for you a complete stranger… God is good and he has a plan for our lives. I pray that you will see Him in this…

  • Beth

    I just found your blog today. Know that I will be praying for you and your family. Continue to look to Him through this time. Thank you for sharing!

  • Anonymous

    I am humbled, truly humbled by your words. God keeps his promises and through you, His Glory is just shining.
    You really have no idea how many people you are touching by Audrey’s story. Her death is not in vain.
    Rest, sweet mommy, that you will hold your baby again one day soon.

  • momwithfaithandhope

    Bless you for sharing your story, and for allowing so many of us to pray for you, and to know you. You are an amazing woman of faith, an inspiration, and a reminder here on earth that we must trust in Him, in joy and in pain. Delight in the moments of today.

  • Sara

    Oh sweet Angie,

    I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

    It’s hard to understand God sometimes. I know he is proud of you for trusting in him, even when he seems to be taking your baby.

    You will be in my every prayer.

  • Dawn Farmer

    I just finished reading your story…What an inspiration you are. My husband and I lost a son at 16 weeks April of 2007. The most difficult thing I had ever experienced as a human being. I knew God had his reasons but I was determined to figure out why my son. He had a condition called “Cystic Hygroma” I prayed and prayed for his life to be spared but in the end that was not God’s plan. I am now doing fine and am very grateful for the time God blessed us with him.
    Thank you for sharing your story. I send your family many blessings and you are in my thoughts.

  • Ter

    I came to your blog via Boo Mama who posted a link to a post that you recently put up. I noticed in that post that you mentioned a loss of a child, and I came to read the full story. I, too, am a bereaved mom, my daughter was born still at 26 weeks gestation, and I’m so sorry for your loss…. so sorry…

  • Anonymous

    I am a mom, a grandmother, and take care of my son who is 27 and born with a birth defect that did not threaten his life but did live with with disabilities.
    I also live each day aware that is the grace of God that blesses life. Your story ,journey is reaching lots of others with this important message.
    May God send you and your family comfort
    anne
    onegirlfriday.blogspot.com

  • Wendy

    Wendy said ….
    I am so sorry for your lose. I am Greg’s cousin, Wendy. I am so glad that you are on your way to be with them. My prayers are with all of you.

    God is awesome, and he will be there for you.

    Wendy

  • Kimmie

    Angie,
    Thank You for sharing this heartwrenching story with us. Know that God is holding your little Audrey in his loving arms like he does all his little lambs. She is with him and someday you will hold her in your arms again. Your love, courage, and faith inspired me to my core. May God’s Blessings shine upon you always. Sending you and your family much love and many warm hugs.
    Love,
    Kimmie

  • cjnsmom

    Dear Angie-
    I just found your blog and was just moved to tears over your story. After what happened the last week with Steven Curtis Chapman’s Family and then reading your story It is such a reliefe to know that we do have a heavenly Father that loves and cares about us and really does have a plan for our lives, that when something like this happens we know that the most precious gifts that we could be given are with the one that created them.
    I will be praying for you Angie and your Family. I only have one little boy and I have always said that if something happened to him I just don’t know what I would do…it doesn’t matter if you have one child or 10, you love all of them and no- one can take their place.
    I pray that God will give your Family the comfort and strength to get through this. It seems like you have a lot of people that love you and that is such a blessing.
    you will be in my prayers.
    Tracy

  • StaceyD

    My heart and prayers are with you and your family for your own loss and for the recent loss of your nephew. You and your family are an amazing glory to God for your faith and love. Thanks for sharing and touching my life.

  • KaReN EiLeeN

    I rarely take the time to read long blogs. I had to read this one. I cried and smiled throughout the entire thing. You are right… He is the same….and I know you won’t be, but you will be stronger and cherish what you do have that much more…
    Blessings, and thank you for your inspiration to look up…even when it’s raining.

    KAREN EILEEN

  • Raelyn

    I am praying for you and your loved ones as you deal with all of these loses. I too have lost 3 babies. I think of them so often. So I feel for you. Nice to meet you!

  • Missy

    I want you to know that I just recently found your blog. I have been touched how you have allowed our Father to use your family as Living vessels for HIM and His glory. May He continue to wrap you in the peace that only comes from the secure arms of God. I have a baby that is in heaven too and I will be rejoicing one day when I finally meet the little one that we wanted so badly. God bless your family and may we take comfort in knowing that our little ones are safe with God in heaven. Thank you sooooo much for sharing your story!!! My prayers are with your family!!!! Missy

  • Julie

    I found your blog through another blog. You know how it goes.

    I am so sorry for your pain.

    I have not experienced what you are going through directly but indirectly. My sister lost her 3rd child.
    She found out when he was inutero that part of his brain was missing. We prayed for months that God would heal him. He did, not here on earth though.

    He would be 24 years old had he lived.

    It was a very sad time in the lives of our family.

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Hugs,
    Julie

  • Anonymous

    I read your latest blog about your sister-in-law and then your story too and my heart broke for you. My oldest son died just four days after he was born. He was diagnosed at an 18 week appt with HypoPlastic Left Heart (basically means he was missing the left side of his heart and only had 2 1/2 chambers (you need 4).
    I have a 5 year old boy who is pretty healthy and had a miscarriage after him.
    Please know, someday there will be life after your babies’ deaths. Only God and time can truly help and heal. Just keep trusting in the darkness what you knew to be true in the light. Morning will come again, but the night is long and very dark. My husband and I will be praying for you.

  • Kathryn

    You are blessed. And your children are blessed. And your children’s children will be blessed. You are God’s love personified.
    My prayers go with you.

  • The Garners

    I just linked to your blog from a friend’s blog. I was so moved by what you wrote in this post. I remember standing at a MercyMe concert at our church, crying as I listened to this song and understood it from the bottom of my heart…I had just recently had my second miscarriage–this one was with twins, so I was mourning the loss of three children, but rejoicing in the certainty of the unfailing love of Jesus Christ. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Michelle Bentham

    I just sent you an email. I’m so touched by the story of Audrey Caroline and pray that God’s mercy and blessing be upon you and yours in the days and weeks ahead. May God truly bles you in every way.

    Much love and many blessings. I just sent you an email with my story of loss. I pray God will use it to encourage and comfort you.

  • Arah

    Hi. I came across your blog by way of blog jumping. I lost my daughter, Olivia, to the exact same thing in November of 2007…undeveloped lungs, enlarged heart, polycystic kidneys. I haven’t come across too many people that have had the exact same diagnosis. She did live for a little less than 2 hours. which I am so greatful for.
    I am sorry that we belong to the same club. I hope that you are able to find comfort and i would be happy to chat anytime.
    my email is kunzfamily at hotmail dot com

  • stephanie

    what an incredibly beautiful and heartwarming story, my daughter forwared to me with a warning to keep tissues handy.MY oldest daughter age 29 and also a mother was born after 6 pregnanies, I still mourn my little angels that I only knew briefly. it is amazing how many plans we make in such a short period of time.Now I work as an emergency room nurse and it doesn’t get any easier helping a family through the unexpected change of plans that sometimes god has for us. I am forwarding your story to my GYN to share in hopes that your story will help other families and that they can rejoice a little life no matter how short

  • Jennie Bender

    My friend pointed me to your blog. I just wanted you to know, I have been in those offices and have those memories in my heart, too.

    My response to trisomy 18, and the life of my Elaine, was “God is good; God is always good. He will take us through this.”

    Many tears, much weeping, hard memories, “God is still good.” The moments we had our sweet baby Elaine, we would not trade for any possession.

    Isn’t it wonderful, that our God came to us in the same way!–that blurry fog of grace that takes you through days you couldn’t imagine that there would be “another side.”

    I don’t know how people make it through such hard times without the Lord Jesus.

    I will pray for you. Please pray for me. Elaine is never far from thought, she would be two. She is always counted. You cannot go through (waiting for) the death of your child and ever be the same. It is a hurt that is never healed.

    I believe it is that way, though, because a child is an eternal soul. So therefore, she is ever present with the Lord, and my soul craves Heaven where she and our God are. I will see Elaine Morie again, as you will see your sweet Audrey Caroline. Heaven is my present possession, so she is MY present possession. She lives beholding the face of God. How wonderful!

    Heaven is real to us now. Our priorities have changed, somethings aren’t important anymore, we love each other more deeply because of the Lord’s mercies and abundant grace and peace bestowed on our family. A tiny baby of a mere pound captured our hearts and we will never be the same because God came.

    “God is good; God is always good.”

  • Trena

    You started your blog on the day that I found out I was pregnant. Now here I am, 27 weeks pregnant and just finding your blog. I have been captivated by your story and your family (and all those you write about) have been in my prayers.

    God is using Audrey in so many amazing ways. You can tell that by just seeing how many people comment on your page. The more you write about your relationship with the Lord, the more people who get to know the Lord. Audrey is working miracling.

    God Bless.

  • Jennifer

    I’ve been reading your blog for the past 45 minutes it seems…with tears…some tears of grief but mainly tears of joy because through all you’ve gone through your attitude resounds “how great is our God” and what a humbling feeling over me….all I have…4th healthy baby about to be here in less than a month and I take Him for granted and haven’t even realized the true blessing of having a healhty pregnancy & babies…it’s the norm, right? So one thinks. Thank you so much for sharing your heart, your life, your family & yours girls. It’s been a blessing this morning to read your story.

  • Tine

    I will pray for you and your family! Thanks for sharing this story, and for reminding me, that God will carry us through the difficult times :-)

  • Trudy

    Dearest family,

    I sit here in my remembrance room just sad. Sad that this world is so broken. I makes me think about how sad God must be sometimes, knowing our hearts are broken because of things that happen to His beloved children. We share your heartache very deeply. Our son, James, 23 died on July 9,2003 from leukemia. The pain that it has brought has no words. The last 5 years has been a time of searching, despair, agony and yet believing and loving the God who knew everything. It is my prayer that even when the torrents of tears come and the questions of not understanding overwhelm you, that you will just know that He is always there, even when it doesn’t feel like it. I thank God that our faith doesn’t rely on our feelings, but that it is His strength that holds and understands our feelings and our faith. Compassionately your Christian friends who bereave the earthly loss of our children. Thank God we know we WILL see them again. Praying for you and all those who mourn. Trudy and Ken Klaver, in memory of our son, James A.

  • hopeannfaith

    A friend of yours from over on WordPress sent me to your blog. 2 weeks ago my son and his fiance lost yet another child. The difference this time is at the same moment he came into the world he was gone. The sorrow for me was the first of its kind in my life. The kids, well I don’t know, they don’t talk much, but the still attend church. They have many issues in their lives to overcome, and this was not a good time for that lovely little boy. Yet I know God makes no mistakes and turns all things to the good of those who love Him. This tiny miracle’s appearance began a mending and a maturing, for these two broken people, my children.
    That being said your blog did what your friend said it would, and it is helping.
    Blessings to you and yours.
    Andrea

  • dan

    I’m pray to know people with the faith you show and present in your writng, you’ve touched my heart on this unusual night. May God grant you eternal happiness, for in Him I see your reflection clearly…

  • ibdawnk

    As a mom who once “loved and Lost” my prayers are with you in this moment.

  • Gary D

    Thank you for sharing your story which is very much like our own. The Lord has being doing a work in our lives as well through this season. We will pray for you and your family.

    Please visit our blog when you get a moment. Our Raquel had the same illness and the Lord brought us through similar trials.

    http://www.raquelelise.blogspot.com

  • notevenatshirt vb

    I’m typing through the tears. Thank you so much for sharing your ever-so-personal story with us…with me. I am praying for your family and for the inevitable healing that He has promised to bring. Praying.

  • Vikki

    Angie and Todd, My prayers are with you and your family. May God grant you peace, understanding and comfort.

  • Nen

    I don’t know what brought me here. I guess… God. I feel so strange having read the beginning of your story… I remember driving in my car months ago… I had the Christian station on (which is rare)… and the announcer came on with a prayer request for your family. I remember feeling an awful feeling… sad. I know of Selah.. but have never really listened to them, etc… but for some reason, these months later… I am here. I volunteer at a teen center… and on the 4th of July we were open for a bit (though no one came in because they were out celebrating)… and I had a Relevant Magazine in front of me. I found Matthew Paul Turner’s blog info and decided to log onto it since I was kind of bored. I browsed a bit… and then we decided to close down since no one was coming in. Tonight, I was typing in an address to a friends blog and saw the link for Matthew’s blog… I clicked it. I enjoyed his videos! What a beautiful baby boy! I saw you in the one video… I had no idea who you were (no offense!)… I clicked on jessica’s blog… and saw your link – but passed it. I don’t know what made me scroll back up and click it. But I did… and here I am. Your story has touched me and I can’t explain it. I don’t have children… I’ve always had a feeling that something is wrong inside of me… but I don’t know for sure. I don’t even know why I am writing… I don’t have any words of comfort or encouragement. Nothing I could say would be anything you haven’t heard… but… Thank you. I don’t know why… my tears are falling for you and your family… but I am here for a reason. I may not know it now… but He’ll show me in His time.

  • Monica

    Thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly. You and your family are in my prayers.

  • Lora

    HI…your story is so very touching! We, too have been through the hurt of losing a child. Our Mary Elizabeth was born at 23 weeks gestation on May 7, 1996 Our hearts were broken. We never dreamed we would endure such a tragedy. God is so good and truly held us in the palm of His hand. He has opened so many doors to share with others who are going through this sadness. He also blessed us a son and a daughter. My heart hurts for families who go through this…..God Bless you….Lora in Indiana

  • DeeJay

    Angie, my sister Mary mentioned to me that I should read your blog and I would be changed after reading it. One of my favorite songs right now is “Bring the Rain.” Thank you for sharing your story with us and for allowing God to use you and Todd. We serve an AWESOME God and I know a lot of times I don’t understand why I must face situations and circumstances, but I know He’s guiding me through this life. Reading your story I know there’s hope. Thank you again for sharing it.

    In Christ alone…DeeJay

  • D Herrod

    Praying for your family. Thank you for sharing.

  • Kelly Alexander

    WOW- what a story! I can relate in a way to what you were feeling during that ultrasound. We found out at our 20 week ultrasound that our little one had a life threatening birth defect called a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. That was an appointment I will never forget. My mother-in-law was there also. Something told me to bring her along!! The doctor told us there wasn’t much hope. We did research and gave her every fighting chance possible. It was a long road. The doctor we found was able to save her life.
    Our journey definitely impacted our faith. We found comfort in prayer, scripture, and believe it or not-listening to Selah!!!!!
    What a story you have to tell-thank you for sharing it with us! Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers.

    Kelly

  • Agrace

    prayinf for your family and loved ones with an understanding heart.
    http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/alyssagreaceshihadeh

  • Tiffany

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know that sharing Audrey’s story must have been so painful. I am amazed at the grace that you and your family have during such a difficult time. God’s power shines through your words, and it is only by you sharing your journey that others can witness this. You have given me hope in my own life struggles and inspire me to also let Jesus shine through. Thanks again for sharing. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

  • Bethany

    Wow, what a testamony to your faith. I know only a tiny portion of what you are feeling. October 19,2007 my nephew was stillborn. He was a perfect little boy. Nothing wrong with him. God just wanted Frankie to be in Heaven with Him. I will always remember his face. You will forever be in my heart and my prayers

  • Audra Marie

    I’ve just found your blog and this is the first post I’ve read. I can’t imagine what you are going through and since this is written in January, I wonder where the story leads, but what is clear is that God is holding you. I’m amazed at the beauty of your love for Him.

  • c & j

    I found your blog through a friend’s blog and that’s how stalkers start I guess but…I had to comment. We just lost our second baby after two years of yearning….and I too had to carry them both around for over a month before God finally released them both. I commented because as I read, I felt as if I was in that little ultrasound room with you…it brought me back…my heart breaks all over again. I’m sorry. You now have a testimony that can reach the depths of women’s hearts, it was not in vain.

    The day we found out about the second one I came home and but “Bring the Rain” on my blog and typed the lyrics just as you have done here….wow, what a coincidence. I know what you mean by typing those words. You don’t have to explain…I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  • c & j

    I found your blog through a friend’s blog and that’s how stalkers start I guess but…I had to comment. We just lost our second baby after two years of yearning….and I too had to carry them both around for over a month before God finally released them both. I commented because as I read, I felt as if I was in that little ultrasound room with you…it brought me back…my heart breaks all over again. I’m sorry. You now have a testimony that can reach the depths of women’s hearts, it was not in vain.

    The day we found out about the second one I came home and but “Bring the Rain” on my blog and typed the lyrics just as you have done here….wow, what a coincidence. I know what you mean by typing those words. You don’t have to explain…I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  • c & j

    I found your blog through a friend’s blog and that’s how stalkers start I guess but…I had to comment. We just lost our second baby after two years of yearning….and I too had to carry them both around for over a month before God finally released them both. I commented because as I read, I felt as if I was in that little ultrasound room with you…it brought me back…my heart breaks all over again. I’m sorry. You now have a testimony that can reach the depths of women’s hearts, it was not in vain.

    The day we found out about the second one I came home and but “Bring the Rain” on my blog and typed the lyrics just as you have done here….wow, what a coincidence. I know what you mean by typing those words. You don’t have to explain…I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  • c & j

    I found your blog through a friend’s blog and that’s how stalkers start I guess but…I had to comment. We just lost our second baby after two years of yearning….and I too had to carry them both around for over a month before God finally released them both. I commented because as I read, I felt as if I was in that little ultrasound room with you…it brought me back…my heart breaks all over again. I’m sorry. You now have a testimony that can reach the depths of women’s hearts, it was not in vain.

    The day we found out about the second one I came home and but “Bring the Rain” on my blog and typed the lyrics just as you have done here….wow, what a coincidence. I know what you mean by typing those words. You don’t have to explain…I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  • c & j

    I found your blog through a friend’s blog and that’s how stalkers start I guess but…I had to comment. We just lost our second baby after two years of yearning….and I too had to carry them both around for over a month before God finally released them both. I commented because as I read, I felt as if I was in that little ultrasound room with you…it brought me back…my heart breaks all over again. I’m sorry. You now have a testimony that can reach the depths of women’s hearts, it was not in vain.

    The day we found out about the second one I came home and but “Bring the Rain” on my blog and typed the lyrics just as you have done here….wow, what a coincidence. I know what you mean by typing those words. You don’t have to explain…I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  • c & j

    I found your blog through a friend’s blog and that’s how stalkers start I guess but…I had to comment. We just lost our second baby after two years of yearning….and I too had to carry them both around for over a month before God finally released them both. I commented because as I read, I felt as if I was in that little ultrasound room with you…it brought me back…my heart breaks all over again. I’m sorry. You now have a testimony that can reach the depths of women’s hearts, it was not in vain.

    The day we found out about the second one I came home and but “Bring the Rain” on my blog and typed the lyrics just as you have done here….wow, what a coincidence. I know what you mean by typing those words. You don’t have to explain…I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  • c & j

    I found your blog through a friend’s blog and that’s how stalkers start I guess but…I had to comment. We just lost our second baby after two years of yearning….and I too had to carry them both around for over a month before God finally released them both. I commented because as I read, I felt as if I was in that little ultrasound room with you…it brought me back…my heart breaks all over again. I’m sorry. You now have a testimony that can reach the depths of women’s hearts, it was not in vain.

    The day we found out about the second one I came home and but “Bring the Rain” on my blog and typed the lyrics just as you have done here….wow, what a coincidence. I know what you mean by typing those words. You don’t have to explain…I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  • c & j

    I found your blog through a friend’s blog and that’s how stalkers start I guess but…I had to comment. We just lost our second baby after two years of yearning….and I too had to carry them both around for over a month before God finally released them both. I commented because as I read, I felt as if I was in that little ultrasound room with you…it brought me back…my heart breaks all over again. I’m sorry. You now have a testimony that can reach the depths of women’s hearts, it was not in vain.

    The day we found out about the second one I came home and but “Bring the Rain” on my blog and typed the lyrics just as you have done here….wow, what a coincidence. I know what you mean by typing those words. You don’t have to explain…I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  • c & j

    I found your blog through a friend’s blog and that’s how stalkers start I guess but…I had to comment. We just lost our second baby after two years of yearning….and I too had to carry them both around for over a month before God finally released them both. I commented because as I read, I felt as if I was in that little ultrasound room with you…it brought me back…my heart breaks all over again. I’m sorry. You now have a testimony that can reach the depths of women’s hearts, it was not in vain.

    The day we found out about the second one I came home and but “Bring the Rain” on my blog and typed the lyrics just as you have done here….wow, what a coincidence. I know what you mean by typing those words. You don’t have to explain…I’ll be praying for you and your family.

  • Mags

    I've only read the first post, and already I know I'll read it all. My niece passed away in April 2006 just 6 days after she was born, and it has been heartbreaking for whole family – but, of course, especially my sister-in-law & brother-in-law (her parents). Thank you for sharing your story. I'm planning to put a post on my own Christian blog directing others to this one, if you don't mind.
    :) Mags
    everydayplaces.blogspot.com

  • Shannon

    I weep as I write this. I am sure that is not the first time you have heard that. What an amazing story of love and faith in the storm.

    I, too, have identical twin daughters who defied the odds of a monoamniotic pregnancy. I the intuition you speak of. The knowing that something is wrong even before you’re told. It’s God’s gift. It’s the little “heads-up, somthing big is coming.”

    I am so sorry for your loss but I rejoice with you in the gift of little Audrey’s life. Lots of love and prayers coming your way!

    Thank you for sharing Audrey with me. Look what one short life can do.

  • Liz

    I only pray God helps me to have half the faith you and your husband have. My love to you in Him.

  • E.T.’s Mom

    Amazing story (and I just started reading it). Thank you for sharing your pain and your testimony with the world.

  • YourCouponBuddy

    As a mother of three healthy children, I can’t help to imagine the “what ifs” and I pray that I am never put into a similar situation. I He chooses to send such a child to our family, I pray that I have at least half the strength that you exhibit from your beautifully worded story.

  • mari oneill

    Hello angie, my name Mari and my sister told me to visit your site. On aug 19 at a rutine check up I found out that my 2nd child who I had been carring for 13wks, had died. I praised God as read what you wrote. Because it is so great that you see His blessings in the midst of such trial and loss. The very moment I found out that my child was gone I began to see all that God had aranged, from major things like my husband being in town when he should have been accross the country that day to songs that pop into my head when they are most needed. My husband and I have also been blessed by being wrap in prayer. Prayer is so powerful and I wouldn’t want to be going through this without it.
    I want to thank you for publicly pointing out God’s glory in this. I and so many other people have been blessed by your words and the Chapman’s words through the losses in your families. “God is good, all the time,…in OUR darkest hour His light will shine”
    It was so sweet to meet you,
    Mari

  • Rami*Reconciled

    Thank you for your story. I read it and read it again, then I read it to my best friend and all I could say was that I wanted a faith like that. Thank you for pointing out that the circumstances might change but Jesus never does- I needed to hear that.

    Much Love

  • justlori2day

    Angie, this is nearly 9 months after the post, and many months since you have said good bye to both Audrey and Luke, but I have to share with you that I have spent nearly the entire day (at work mind you) reading each and every post, longing for more, and then finding it. And reading more, and listening to the beautiful lyrics and adoring the amazing photos.

    I found you through Jennifer/MckMama at mycharmingkids. I have been so grateful for the God she has helped me find again, and after reading your posts and your passion to know Him more, I feel such a peace.

    I know condolences are always needed – I have suffered loss – but not that of a child. I know the pain is never more than a tear drop away.

    I wish you and your family peace.

  • Hayley

    Oh how my heart goes out to you. I, too, have lost a baby to stillbirth at 35 weeks. Today is actually her 6th Heavenly Birthday, and not a day goes by I don’t think of her. If you get a chance, my story is on my blog under “family”. I’m glad to have found your blog. ((Hugs))

  • perilloparodies

    There are NO words to express the joy and sorrow that I feel in my heart for you as you allow God to make beauty from your ashes. He IS always faithful, and always has purpose in all things… I will be praying as God uses this somehow to bring glory to Him and to draw people closer to knowing His comfort, love, and saving grace. You just NEVER know what He can do through your vulnerability and praise… Blessings to you and your family… and… your little one is playing with Jesus and my own little one who went on before I could even feel her in my womb… Peace, hope and joy to you!

  • American in Norway

    Praying for you you & your beautiful family…. hugs…

  • ski

    OK so I had this nice long comment typed out and it went *POOF*

    So, short version. The Lord led me to your blog tonight through a series of clicks and link following, but Im here.

    As I read I felt a strange connection to your story. A few things that made the connection eerily close to home… we were in the same hospital and had the same doctors, not only once, but twice.

    My first son Jordan fought for 12 weeks to show me that letting go was extreamly difficult, but it had to be done sometimes.

    Nine years later, to the week, our newest bundle of, post 26 weeker current 10 month old , energy tought me that fear will only hold you back.

    God led me to you, its not up to me to attempt to figure out why, just accept the path laid out before me.

    I will be checking back for updates and adding your family to the list of names I lift up in prayer.

    Thanks so much for sharing your story.

    LC

  • Christine

    What an amazing little girl. Your story is such a powerful tool that God is using for you to spread His word. Thanks for sharing.

  • dolphingal0519

    I first wanted to thank you for taking the time to look at the website that I made for my precious daughter, Addison. Also wanted to say that we share the same doctors, how ironic. I am actually getting ready to meet with the Maternal Fetal Group in October. I want you to know that I will be thinking of you and praying for you too, as I know how hard things still are. It has only been a little over two months for us, and it is still like a dream sometimes.

  • Dennis

    I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your little girl. All of your girls are gorgeous.

    I have seen Selah twice in concert in Wisconsin and I appreciate their music so much. They have such pure voices.

    At one of the concerts, I remember Todd telling the story of how he met you. It is such a neat story.

    My heart is breaking right now. I went to Nicole and Greg’s website as well and saw that they lost their little guy as well.

    I know we won’t know the reasons why here on earth, but it just seems this past 1 1/2 years have been filled with so much loss. I know 6 or 7 ladies who have lost their babies. One of them actually lost 5 of her 6.
    These hit so close to home because our daughter was born 3 months premature and came very close to dying many times. But God chose to send her home with us.

    I am sorry this got so long, but I we will be praying for you and your families as your hearts continue to heal.

    Jodi, Dennis, Sam and Emma Faith

  • Irene

    I was directed to your blog from a post on a Facebook friend’s page. Having just lost my baby girl at 37 weeks gestation, I was surprised to find myself reading your story of loss. Thank you for sharing. I am encouraged by your faith and perspective as I also walk a path of grief. May the peace of Christ continue to rest in your heart and in your home.

  • Haley

    I just stumbled upon your page via DivineCaroline and feel as though I was led here. Throughout this first entry I got choked up a number of times, but it wasn’t until I finished reading that I realized my mom had a very similar experience to your’s, a year before I was born.

    Your beautiful family is in my thoughts and prayers.

  • mommaof4wife2r

    praying for you all through this journey that has been almost one year…

  • ajdxpeters

    Wow wiping the tears from my eyes. I admire you for the strength to write this after the fact. I went through the death of a baby at 6 and a half weeks pregnant. I know that wasn’t as long as a full pregnancy but it is when you’ve already made so many plans for that baby. Bring the Rain was the perfect song and I wore it out during that time. I made a baby journal from day 1 until March 16th and can’t read it now. I’m praying or you and I know that those babies will be waiting for us and Sweet Jesus is holding them until we do.

  • Jennifer Hill

    Angie, I “stumbled” upon you blog today and read with awe your amazing testimony. Twenty years ago God took my 16 year old brother home while we were on a church canoing trip. My parents chose It Is Well With My Soul to be played at his funeral. I can remember my dad telling us over and over that it was not our place to question God, but to say It is well with my soul. Without God, that would not be possible.There were numerous people saved because God took my brother. As I am sure is the case because of the testimony God has given you and your family. Nine years after my brother went home, my first cousin was also called home. Incedentily, my brother and cousin were best friends. My daddy’s brother and his wife also chose It Is Well for Mitch’s song. When I heard Selah sing that song for the first time it brought me to tears. As it still does today. It is the most beautiful rendition I have every heard.
    Your family will be in my prayers. I will pray that God uses you through your beautiful way with words and your husband and sister-in-law through their beautiful way with song to share how awesome a God we truly serve. I will also pray that God gives you stregnth and wisdom to deal with whatever he allows to be.
    I am sorry this is so long. Romans 8:28 Jennifer Hill

  • Jessica

    I sit here and try to type and can’t see through the tears. I’ve just read the first part of the story and I can tell that it was a terrible time in your life. I found it interenting that it all started on Jan 7th which is my birthday. And the bunny reminded me of my dearest friend, who passed away in August. She came to mind when you talked about the black spot! There’s an empty spot in me now, my black spot. I wish you Joy and Love, especially Gods. Jessica Germain

  • Life in the Bizzy Lane

    i too just stumbled upon your blog. i don’t have the words to say , other than i will say a prayer for you.
    blessings

  • KresserKlan

    I ran accrossed your blog after reading another friend’s blog. I kept reading because your daughters name caugh my eye. “Audrey” my name is also Audrey and it is spelled the same way. I always thought it was an “old lady” name and never much liked it, but seeing your sweet baby’s face and hearing your story I consider it a honor to share the same name as your angel. I too believe that we will see loved once lost and raise children that we did not have the opportunity to raise in this life time.

  • genevieve

    I just sobbed my way through this whole entire story. It is so beautiful and comforting to know that there are people left in the world as genuine and good as you are. i hate that things like this have to happen to good people like you, you don’t deserve it. you are inspirational and beautiful, and thank you for sharing your story with me.. you gave me alot of things to think about. you are in my prayers!

  • Angela

    I just wanted to thank you for your blog and letting God use you to encourage me in the past few weeks since I found it. I came to hear your story after being contacted by Karen Fahmer a few weeks ago. My son was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 on June 20 (at 20 wks). He passed away in utero at about 32 wks and was delivered September 6th. It has been a really hard past couple months as we just moved across the country on June 23 to a brand new place and I have found comfort in seeing how God has brought your family through it.

  • Anonymous

    I am reading all these beautiful posts, and I am left with no words. I can say nothing more than you are an inspiration and a witness.

  • Anonymous

    I am reading all these beautiful posts, and I am left with no words. I can say nothing more than you are an inspiration and a witness.

  • Joane

    What can I say….my heart was filled with much sorrow four weeks ago tomorrow….when I found out that at 10 weeks gestation my baby’s heart just stopped beating! The worst part was that they thought this might of occured weeks prior! My heart could not fathem that for weeks… I carried my baby with no heart beat. I have delt with very hard circumstances in the past but none that left such emptiness inside…Today my very good friend Deane e-mails me your blog…and she said that I had to read it….All I can say is that I commend you on your bravery and your faith! Just when some of us think that life is tough we learn of others problems and then suddenly you realize that your life is really not that complex!!!!

    I’m sooooo sorry to hear of your loss…I truly feel sadness to know that you lost such a beautiful baby girl! I will pray for you tonight and I will pray that baby Audrey rest in peace….Never lose your hope…the good “LORD” never gives us situations that we can’t handle. I have learned that the hard way.

    God bless you and your beautiful family!

    P.S. I too, am an identical twin. My twin has battled MS for the last 12 years and you would never know it by looking at her….GOD never gives us situations that we can’t handle!!!!!

    God Bless,

    Joane

  • Anonymous

    thank you for your story. i’ve lost 2 babies, but they are with me every day.

  • Anonymous

    I heard Selah this week in Michigan and mentioned to him that many have found comfort in the writings of Richard Paul Evan’s book The Christmas Box. God has given many healing through this God inspired words. I heard his speak at a nation Share meeting. I’m also an OB nurse and have lost a baby to miscarriage and my sister to a full term stillbirth. You are in my prayers and I know that God knows your hurt. Linda

  • Mommie Blogs

    2 corinthians 1:3
    “praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort”

    I know you felt and continue to feel the gentle arms of the Lord around you.

    Courtney

  • bjriley

    Had to say you write so beautifully, your story was a pleasure to read. Brought tears to my eyes and chills to my soul. God Bless your journey. Brianna in Idaho

  • asacrificeofpraise

    hi. i just found your blog today and wanted first to thank you. thanks for sharing this deeply personal story with those of us you don’t know. thanks for allowing God to be made greater through this. He is so obviously at work through you and all He’s done. you and your family will be in my prayers.

  • heather

    Angie,
    Your heart, so open and so vulnerable, gives me hope. I have lost 2 babies of my own. I have no living children, but Rylie Rochelle and Gabriel Matthew who look down on me from our amazing Savior’s arms! I am blessed to say that I know they are experiencing far better in Heaven, and they have your Audrey to experience it with! Thank you for sharing, and I look forward to getting to know you better.

    Blessings and hugs,
    Heather

  • Dena

    Wow. I haven’t cried like this in a long time. My heart broke as I read and I am amazed at your faith in God and how you chose to welcome this miracle into your life instead of view her as tragedy. I just posted to another blogger, a pastors wife, who has lost a child to heart complications and now has another child that is in the process of being diagnosed with a heart condition. I think God is sending me a message but I dont have it all yet. As I told her, like you said, bring the rain…. We draw closer to God during times like this. He comforts and carries us and He loves the closeness we have with Him during this time. So where our hearts are broken and some tragedy lies there is also a beautiful lesson and moment that we share with God. It can be a beautiful thing.
    Many Blessings,
    Dena~

  • L

    My thoughts and prayers are with your entire family.

  • soonerfan

    Angie, I found your blog through the J Crew blog. Kathy is married to my brothers wife. Just one week ago, they faced the most horrific and tragic event of their life. They lost their son Major at only 15 months old. This amazing couple that loves and worships the King and trusts that His ways are higher than ours still greive, but their hope is in Christ alone. I hope you find the story below one that will touch your heart. I don't yet have a blog but am working on it. Darcy and I both delieverd our babies prematurely in August of 2007. Major came on August 3rd and my twin girls came on August 19, 2007. We traveled the journey in the NICU together though seperated by a thousand miles. (She in Salt Lake City and I in Plano, Texas) I adore my sister in law. She exemplifies every quality that Proverbs 31 speaks of. She is humble and caring…always thinking of someone elses needs and heart before her own. This is evident in her relationship with my brother and as a mommy to Marin, Sommer, and Lillian. God bless you Angie, and thank YOU for sharing your story…In His Grip & For His Glory,
    Kristi Cole
    cole.kristi@yahoo.com

    My brother and his wife gave to the Lord, Major Hezekiah Rhodes, my 15 month old nephew, to rest on Friday, November 7, 2008. It was a day that I feared to be consumed with great sadness and with possibly some bitterness. I had no idea how I would stand and watch my brother and his wife pay tribute to their youngest son's life and grieve as they gave him over to the Lord. I was wrong. Sure, there were many tears that fell and hearts that broke so deeply but in the midst of all the pain, God truly reigned. Two people whom I truly adore, worshiped God in the midst of the greatest tragedy of their lives. They, instead of questioning God, ran to Him and found shelter in His wings. (Darcy's brother spoke of their faith and God's grace at the service) This entire tragedy has brought so many people closer together…as family in the Lord and as children of God. I miss Major. I miss that I'll not see him again until we are together in heaven…but what peace I do have that he is with our God whose will, will prevail. My brother, with one hand on his son's casket and the other stretched out to Heaven, gave tribute to God and His goodness to the congregation. Which of us could say that we could do that very thing if in that situation?? I am not sure that the person I was could… but I know that the person that I am going to become can. During the service they chose to sang "It is well with my soul"… the FIRST time the chorus came up, Dave and Darcy raised their hands and lifted their tear filled faces to God in praise!!! Raised their hands and worshiped God!!!! What a testament of their faith and the intimate relationship they have with God.

    As I worked with Darcy in the days just prior to Major's funeral, I watched in total amazement as she carefully picked out the clothes Major would wear, the verses to be read, the pictures chosen for a slide show of Major's life, & the love that she was still able to give to her other three children. I saw a woman of God that embodied a strength that could only come from God. I can't say enough about her. I, if I could, I would take this pain away from her and my brother. I would carry it in my heart so that they could live a life without hurting…but you know what? They would never want that. God would not want that. Through their hurt and pain God is showing Himself to so many. This is the greatest pain that any of us in our family have ever felt. My dad had to watch as his son buried his youngest. My mother wept as the littlest of the Rhodes girls climbed into her lap during the service and held on to her. Darcy's brothers…all I can say is that they are two of the most amazing men of God that I have ever met in my life. They were strength and comfort to all. And Darcy's parents….who opened their home to all of us in a time when the could have just closed the door to grieve. The fed us, loved us, and welcomed us.

    Many of you have asked exactly what happened so this is the story as it was told to me, bear in mind, this is a story I never wanted to know first hand (or second hand for that matter) but I want to share it with you so that the goodness of God is made evident to all in a time of need….. I'll briefly recap how the incident occurred: Major was in his Sunday School class last Sunday morning (my brother David who is an orthopedic surgeon was serving for his first time in Major's class). It was near the end of the Sunday School hour and parents were arriving at the class window to pick up their little ones. David and the other teachers were busy "delivering" the little ones to their parents. A box of cheerios had just been spilled on the floor, but a decision was made to clean them up after the business of the hour had passed. Of course the "rug rats" were busy picking up the cheerios as a "bonus snack" for the morning and "cleaning the floor". Major was right at David's feet when it was noted he was chocking. As it turned out, he had ingested two wood screws (no one knows how the screws got there or where they came from. Some renovations had been recently done in the church but still yet, everything had been accounted for and the room thoroughly cleaned prior to returning to function as a nursery). The first screw passed into his stomach, but the second one lodged in his throat and no one (my brother, four other doctors present in the services or a nurse) was able to dislodge the screw. CPR was performed until EMSA arrived — on the way to the hospital, they were able to remove the screw and establish an airway; unfortunately, the lapse of time from the time Major began to choke until they were able to establish the airway (approximately 30 minutes) and get his heart beating again left his brain without oxygen for such an extended period that most neurological functions were severely impaired or not working at all. If surgical instruments had been available, the story would have ended differently, but that was not the case nor in God's plan. As further tests were ordered throughout the next 10 hours the results indicated that all neurological response was gone. There was no function in his brain. Dave and Darcy prayed and received an answer from God. It was Major's time to be at Home with the Lord. The fluids continued to flow through the IV and he remained on a breathing machine. The hospital staff began to work on organizing and getting the transplant team to the hospital to harvest Major's organs so that someone else's life could be saved. Amazing huh? That night, they pulled the crib out of the ICU room and replaced it with a bed. They placed Major on it and Dave and Darcy laid on each side…holding him and singing him sweet songs of God's grace and love. They fell asleep holding their son on his last night on earth.

    This is a difficult time but not impossible. For in His wings we find our refuge and in His Word we find comfort. Thank You God for Your greatness and love ~ for extending Your hand down from Heaven. I thank YOU God for the time that Major was on earth and though I miss him deeply, I know that in Your presence is where he will remain until one day we are together again. We know that You have held every tear and heard every cry of our hearts and in You we've placed our trust. May the story of Major's life bring glory and honor to your name….In Christ most Holy Name, Amen

    Love,
    Kristi Cole

    PS: As a side note: we know that Major's liver went to a 9 month old baby in Arizona and two adults each received one of his kidney's. We have not been given any other information as to where his heart went(or any of his other organs), but what a blessed person that is!! May they live a life with God & honor and treasure the life that they have been given.

  • Deanna

    Thank you, Angie, for sharing your story. May many be blessed by your humbleness and faith.
    In Christ’s Love, Deanna

  • Amy Franck

    I happened onto your blog a bit randomly, but I am so happy that the Lord led me here! My husband and I faced similar situations at the end of the summer, and our baby went to be with the Lord in September. We miss our baby everyday. It was such a blessing to read your story. I think you put it so beautifully, “My Jesus is the same”. Thank you~

  • Giggles

    Thank you for sharing your story and the strength you have to deal with your sorrow. My husband and I lost our first child, a son named Raymond Dean (after our grandfathers)very unexpectedly when I was 24 weeks along. I pray that your family continues to heal from your loss.

  • Jackie

    I have a brother who never was. I’m glad you have the bunny. Thanks for sharing your story. I have an Audrey too, one of my b/g twins who are at school right now. I will give them a hug when they get back.

  • rylans-mom

    I have a very similar story. I had a beautiful little boy, Rylan Brett on June 4, 2008 and he had autosomal recessive polycystic kidney disease. We had no idea anything was wrong until an ultrasound at 29 weeks that a friend of ours from church performed “for fun”. Our friend was incredibly kind and caring and told us he would go to the hospital as soon as possible. Rylan seemed so healthy and active to me. It absolutely broke my heart when, at the hospital, they told me Rylan wouldn’t survive. My husband and I were blessed with holding this little life in our arms for 51 minutes until he passed away. I kept him with me for 7 hours that night. Letting him go was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don’t wish that on anyone and can definitely relate to those who have had a similar unfortunate experience. It does help to know that he is in heaven waiting for us and Jesus is taking better care of him than we ever could though.

  • Lauren

    I feel so honored to have stumbled upon your blog. Your story touches me. I pray many good things for you and your family, and thank you for opening up your heart to share this.

  • Carrie

    Wow! A friend passed on your blog and I am truly humbled at your words. I truly am blessed to have been invited into a small glimpse of your life and you will now be added to my prayers.

    God Bless You.
    Carrie

  • Angie Tolman

    I just came across you blog from a friends. I don’t usually read extra blogs as I already have so many. It truely is a blessing. I have been struggling with my 3 little ones. Trying to remind myself that they are a blessing. Thanks for giving me a new perspective as I hold my two year old while she is sleeping.

  • Beth in NC

    God bless you and your family. Thank you for sharing with all of us.

    In Christ,
    Beth

  • EssaAdams

    I don’t know what has happened in your life since this first post, but want you to know how your quiet faith has touched me this day in December 2008. You are right, we are a woven package of humanity from God, we are one. Bless you all.

  • jendalyn

    Your story brought more emotion than I thought possible when reading about a stranger’s life. I guess, through Christ, we are all one–and your pain and loss are felt keenly. However, your inspired words will rest in my heart for a long time, and if I ever face heartbreak like you have, I hope to be able to say too, “Jesus is the same, always.” Thank you for sharing your story. May God bless you as you continue on His chosen path for you.

  • Patty

    Many blessings to you and your family. I am new here and wish you many happy days ahead, I’m so sorry for your loss and wish you a Merry Christmas and Happier New Year! May you continue to be touched by God and blessed with is love and strength to share Audrey’s story with the world.

  • Dan and Autumn

    Wow-I am in awe of the Glory of God more than I have been in a while. I stumbled across this blog through another blog and I don’t believe it was by chance. We lost our little girl to Trisomy 13 in Oct 2006 and it brought be to my knees more than any other experience in my life. This blog, this story, has brought me, again, to my knees as I look at my own life and how I felt and reacted in a devastating time…you are amazing! A true gift from God and I thank you for sharing your story. Bless you, bless you, bless you all!!

  • Janicewilson

    Angie, Nice to meet you to, My name is Janice I feel your Pain: cause Today was my Daughter”s Birthday, and If she had lived she would have been 38 yr’s old , May 6th 1973 She died December 22th 2010, I never lost a baby, but Kathy was my first born. God blessed me with her Spiritually life, now she is with Jesus, and like David, I can”t bring her back but I can go to her. God bless you and your family. My Prayers are with you and your Family.

  • Amy

    Wow. The way God surrounded you sounds a lot like our experience. We lost our son last May 12th. Yes it is the week of Mother’s Day this year. I somehow missed it last year, and did not realize it was so close to when we lost Christopher. I think I should write down all of the ways God was in my life at the time of my son’s death. I know I will not forget, but the words are powerful. I understand the need to live in his love right now, but at the same time I express my sympathy to you. I too feel the loss, but have the joy of Christ.

    God Bless you.

    Amy

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  • Kandre

     What an intimate look at such a tender beautiful heart.  Thank you.

  • URabba2me

    I am so glad that God allowed me to hear you speak at Women of Faith.  We had a very similar situation occur in our family, and I’ve never heard of or known anyone who truly understands this type of pain.  My granddaughter June Rose was born in February 2006.  My daughter was aware at the mid-pregnancy ultrasound that there were issues with June’s kidneys, but, even though it was pushed on her, abortion was never even a thought.  My daughter determined that she would carry the baby as long as June lived within her, and would strive to show her all the love possible if she was fortunate enough to survive to be born.  June was born with 2 major systems in her little body nonfunctional – her renal system and digestive system.  At first the doctors thought that if they could stimulate her digestive system into functioning she might be able to survive to eventually have a kidney transplant.  Unfortunately, Junie’s digestive system never was able to work.  She went through a lot in her little life - 5 weeks in NICU, 3 surgeries, 3 weeks in hospice.  She was such a fighter, and she touched so many lives while she was with us.  While she was in hospice, there was family with her round the clock.  We endeavored to have as many people love on her as was possible while she was with us…so she was continually surrounded by love, laughter, and hope until the very last moment that her little body could be healed by our Creator.  The Lord sent someone special to us to come pray for her healing on her last Saturday.  The very next day, the Lord healed her completely by taking her home to be with Him…she is now whole and pain free.  Her passing has left a huge hole in our hearts…there were so many dreams that we didn’t even realize we had for her until she was gone.  I know we will see her one day, but that still doesn’t replace the child who would have been  in our arms.  We will always love her.  Please pray for my daughter.  While she has eventually learned to go on with life, and has even had another child, she has turned away from the Lord.  I continue to pray that she will forgive Him and herself at some point and return to His merciful arms for the only comfort that there truly is in this world.

  • Yvonne-ocom

    Angie it was awesome meeting you and Todd at WOF.  Thank you for sharing your lives with us- it is refreshing seeing people being so real!  God bless you and your family.
    I have been married for 11 months and have had a tubal pregnancy and a miscarriage and it was heartbreaking!  Thank you for sharing your story.
     

  • Nat_mardon

     Angie, I know this story has probably been told in full, and I will get to all of that. But right now, this place – the very beginning – is where myself, my unborn baby boy and the rest of our family is at right now. We’ve just found out this week that our baby boy, 20 weeks gestation has Trisomy 18 and has much the same path and prognosis as your Audrey. And so I find comfort in your blog here. I know it will be difficult for me to carry on in the next few months, and it will be difficult for me to keep reading your story, but the words of a Godly woman who’s been in the same situation will be a song to my heart. And encouragement in the dark times. And I know my God is good through all, and I wait to see what glory He will bring from my situation just as, no doubt, He brought through Audrey to your family.
    God bless, Natalie, another God-fearing mother of 3 (and a half) and all the way from Australia (although I’m only assuming you’re in the US)….
    Oh and I see you have a book, must get that and wet it with my tears. Thankyou SO much for sharing your heart and your journey.

    • Stephanieannmoery

      I am exactly where you are Natalie….20.4 weeks with twins and one having trisomy 18. It is tough and a huge roller coaster, but God has already shown me in ways I never imagined that he is going to take care of everything! Live this experience thru him, and he will not disappoint. My one miracle as of now is for him to allow us to meet both of our boys, hold them, love them, learn from them, and watch them be brothers for the short time I know they have together.

  • Stephanie

    Thank you, Angie! I loved reading and learning from your family’s story as I go thru a very similar events in my life with one of my twins having trisomy 18. As I was reading, I found that my thoughts, feelings, and steps were very similar to yours. I am 20.4 weeks today, and praying for a miracle as small as allowing my boys to enter this world as brothers. I want to hold and love them both for the short time God allows us! That will be my miracle and blessing from above!

  • Kelly Ostrom

    Hi Angie, my name is Kelly and I work at a pregnancy support clinic which is where I first heard of your story. You have such a tough testimony to share and I want to thank you for taking the time to write about it through all the pain you have experienced. I thank God for Audrey and the courage and faith you displayed through obedience for life. It’s been a hard road and a growing experience I’m sure. With love and thanks, God bless!

  • Heidi

    I found your blog through the CD jacket for You Deliver Me by Selah. My aunt gave it to me because Audrey’s Song (I will carry you) reminded her of me and my son, Lucas. Today is his 5th birthday. He celebrates each birthday in Heaven. My son silently entered this world at 34 weeks with no obvious cause. As his obituary reads “For reasons known only by the Heavens above”. I was at my regular OB check-up, therefore alone, when I found out my baby had died. Even though I have come to accept that this is all part of God’s plan for me, I still wonder why and wish I could spend Lucas’ birthday the same way I spend his two brothers’, celebrating with a bunch of noisy kids having fun. Instead, I post a tribute to him on facebook and hold his memory close to me, as I do every other day. Thank you for sharing your family’s journey with everyone. It sounds odd, but reading about others going through similar pain is healing, not because you wish this pain on your worst enemy, but because you know someone else truly knows how you feel and you are not “being punished”. Love, prayers, and strength to you and your family.

  • Sarah

    Someone directed me here because I am struggling.  Tomorrow is the funeral of my 5th son.  He joined 2 of his brothers in heaven just over a week ago.

    I haven’t got any idea how to go on or even how to hold on.   I have no answers for why my 3 boys were from this world.

    After I lost my first I was okay, and after my second I held on to God but this time… I can’t even begin to describe how devastating it is to bury 3 children.

    I’m praying to find even a tenth of the peace and strength that you have.
    Sarah

    • Nancy

      Sarah… I am so sorry to read of the losses you have faced.  There are no words to offer comfort but if there were…. I would be speaking them to you know.  My prayer for you is that in these few months that have passed…that you have been comforted in your storm by the Lord who loves you.  I have no answers for why some seem to pass through more tragedies in life….but I do know that He knows and that regardless of how it seems…. He loves us and never leaves us.  It’s okay to grieve, to get angry, to questions….it is part of the process.   I hope you have found that “tenth” of the peace and strength which Amy and Todd have found…. even if it is only the size of a mustard seed….. He will sustain you and never leave you.  I believe He weeps with you but knows that your children are safe with Him….and one day you will all be embracing each other for eternity.   My prayers are with you and your family.  Hold Fast Sarah.  Let Him be the anchor you cling to.

    • Nancy

      Sarah… I am so sorry to read of the losses you have faced.  There are no words to offer comfort but if there were…. I would be speaking them to you know.  My prayer for you is that in these few months that have passed…that you have been comforted in your storm by the Lord who loves you.  I have no answers for why some seem to pass through more tragedies in life….but I do know that He knows and that regardless of how it seems…. He loves us and never leaves us.  It’s okay to grieve, to get angry, to questions….it is part of the process.   I hope you have found that “tenth” of the peace and strength which Amy and Todd have found…. even if it is only the size of a mustard seed….. He will sustain you and never leave you.  I believe He weeps with you but knows that your children are safe with Him….and one day you will all be embracing each other for eternity.   My prayers are with you and your family.  Hold Fast Sarah.  Let Him be the anchor you cling to.

  • Jenn S

    Angie, I heard your story in our Bible study Faithful, Abundant, True. I was so moved by your courage and faith. I know the Lord has used your experience to reach out to so many people. I had an abortion when I was 19 and even though I chose to end the pregnancy, it is comforting to know that my baby is in heaven with his true Father. Loss is loss, no matter how is comes. I look forward to one day having more children. You are an inspiration of faith, hope and grace. Thank you for sharing your story with the world!

  • Sara

    Just got the unimaginable news following our 20-week ultrasound that our baby will not survive. By the time my husband and I returned to pick up our kids from our friends’ house, my best friend had “I Will Carry You” waiting for me. Thank you for being here for me and for us as we start this journey that we would have never chosen.

  • Lindy

    Hi Angie…your story has not only touched my heart, but is also very close to my heart! My sister’s story is so similar to yours.  She found out at her 17 week ultrasound that she was having a boy, but a few “soft markers” were also found.  They detected a cleft lip, and at first it was sad to get this news, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed.  But as more markers were found it was like, “Lord, please let him only have been a cleft lip”.  It was determined that he had Trisomy 13, and like you and Todd, they chose life for their baby.  Jonathan was born on Oct. 8, 2009 and lived for 40 beautiful minutes.  2 years have almost passed now, but Jonathan’s legacy is still alive and has touched so many lives as has Audrey’s.  Please, if you have a chance, check out my sister’s blog:

    http://jonathansbabyjournal.blogspot.com/2009/07/fairy-tale-interrupted-first-week.html

  • Rcainboys

    Angie, 
    I heard your testimony today at Women of Faith in Atlanta, my home town. Thank you for sharing Audrey. I too lost my third child and only daughter as she was term and still born. I have four surviving men now, ages 30-20! Oh how miraculously God has worked but not a day goes by that I don’t miss my daughter, Dana Renee’. March 30, 1987 is the date our new normal began. I could write so much here. I will be brief. Jesus saved me. I never thought I could survive but He was with me every step of the way. I’ve had many other life-threatening trials since 1987 but more than that, God is good and He is faithful! He has restored what the locusts ate and then some. True enough, I don’t have my daughter on earth but I know when my time is done, she will be among the cloud of witnesses that greets me as I meet the Lord. So God left me here. Now what. I’m still a mother of two toddlers at this time. I still have to mother. For me, due to my personality type, it’s probably better I had no time to prepare. Do I have a funeral for this 7lb. 6 oz. beautiful baby who when finally born (we knew at the beginning of labor she was gone as her heart was not beating) 11 hours later looked so perfect and just like she was asleep. I remember being shocked at how pliable she was. I assumed wrongly she would be stiff. How do you survive? Jesus. What does that look like? Immersion in God’s word and in time spent with Him. To borrow from the book THE SCENT OF WATER by Naomi Zaccharius “reading the sacred text can put it (God’s Word) on your hearts, and then when your hearts break, the Holy words will fall inside.” And that is exactly what I did, I just kept allowing God to put His word on my heart.  As my heart shattered, those words fell in and began to glue the pieces of my heart back together. Dana would be 24 years old now. The Lord in me pushed me to be determined to help others and for 17 of those 24 years I lead and facilitated a support group aptly named HOPE (Helping Other Parents Endure – the loss of any child under the age of 5 yrs.). Seventy-five were women, not men, and they joined due to stillbirth or miscarriage. The thing that is so ‘odd’ about your loss and mine is that statistically it’s baby boys that die, not the girls. Yet for you and I, it was a daughter. (Sadly, for your sister it was a son, Luke.) No baby should ever die. Babies mean life and are God’s seal life will continue. Yet, sin entered in Eden and babies die. When such a catastrophe happens, we lose a part of our self and we are never the same. HOWEVER, I believe I am a better person and a better mother for the experience. For sure, I am a woman who loves the Lord and depends on Him! In a strange way, Dana gave me a peace about death. God did turn a negative into a positive. I have been able to model for my sons how to go on living and fulfilling the life God purposed for me after unimaginable tragedy. I have MUCH to be grateful for in such a traumatic loss. Thank you for sharing your pain today. There are layers to healing. For me, hearing another’s story is God’s way of testifying to me: You are an overcomer and I will never forget your pain and loss. God’s blessings in my life so outweigh the good I’ve done for Him. In a way, that just reaffirms grace is a gift and can’t be earned. God has anointed you to speak to a wide array of folks who need to hear Jesus stories of how he is working in a real, not a contrived, life. I purchased your book and can’t wait to read it. I know it will bless me and the others I forward it on to. 

    One more thing: 
    Today when you were speaking, you said, I’ve never told anyone this before and you talked of seeing your daughter as her body changed from life to death. Though different, I had a similar experience and I rarely tell it. Dana was born at 3am. Just my husband and I were with her. I wanted my mother to see her but she was at home with my sleeping my 5 yr. old and 3 yr. old sons. The nurse suggested instead of waking them they put Dana morgue freezer until morning and then they could warm her the next morning when Mom came. I wanted Mom to see how beautiful she was. While I’m glad I saw her again as it brought reassurance Dana had not just been sleeping and the hospital had not lied to me about her death, the nurses had indicated to me they’d warmed to bring her back to me and she’d be like just she was at birth. WRONG! When they brought her to my room from the morgue, it was awful. She was wrapped in blankets and blue, stiff and heavy. It was hard to see her beauty through her smurf like appearance. Once again I felt so cheated. Mom really didn’t get to see the real her. I know Dana doesn’t know time. I know Dana talks to Jesus about me. I hope she is proud of me and I believe she is. Like Jesus, she is saying, “That’s is my MOM! And she is an overcomer in Jesus!” 

  • Kathryn

    The 20 week sonogram and amnio appointment will always be remembered by us as our dark day too. Blurry, confused, words I didn’t understand, kept praying this was a dream. We held onto the slim % that the initial blood tests were wrong. The horrible silence in the sonogram room. Tears, yet trying to hold them back because we knew that if we really let go we would never recover. Disbelief that this was real – just feeling sick in the stomach. What was worse was that we were so far from our family – making the phone calls was almost impossible. Friends we thought we could rely on, deserted us.
    But faith never deserted us – He was there with me in the hospital. He held my hand. He was right there beside me. I have never had a stronger sense of His presence than that night. He helped us through it. He gave me the strength for both me and my husband. From that day forward I have never missed a day that I didn’t thank the Lord for his many blessings and for His amazing love.
    We have been truly blessed with two beautiful daughters. I never take them for granted. I love on them every day. We never found out the sex of our first baby – we just wanted it that way.
    The hardest part of all this was the silence from our friends and co-workers. I literally only had a handful of people express their sympathy to me. I know it is difficult to know what to say to people who have experienced loss, but “I’m sorry” is enough – it at least acknowledges the hurt. Trying to ignore it hurts doubly more.
    So sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story – it certainly helps the ones who have lost too. God bless.

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  • W Jtaylor2004

    Angie I just have to say, listening to your story at women of faith this weeked in Indy really hit home.  My husband and I went through the same thing almost seven years ago.  We had also gone in for our 18 week check up, and they told us something was wrong.  The doctors ran all kinds of test.  We say our regular ob and a pediatric cardiologist every month.  We were also given the chance to end the pregnancy.  We both felt that that was not an opption.  We has a four year old son at the time.  Seve months into the pregnancy we lost our son.  I thought that I was never going to make it, but I knew that I had to stay strong.  Not only for me but for our son.  I can still recall the night before our appointment when we found out that we has lost Julien.  I was in the living room alone, and I told the Lord that I couldn’t fight anymore.  That I was ready to accept this.  Even till this day in my heart I believe that the Lord was waiting for me to realize what needed to be done.  I have never been to a women of faith event. This was my first year, and I truly believe that I was supose to be there to hear your message.  To know that there is someone out there that truely knows what I have gone through.  Someone who has walked down that dark path.

  • cjt’smom

    First, I’ve been there.  I know your pain.
    Second, you are a STAR!  Even though you’ve been through “hell,” you and I both know life goes on.  You have to continue pushing on for yourself and your family and for sweet Audrey.  I had to as well for my living son and husband.  When I say you are a STAR, I want you to know that your talent will take you places.  I found your personality VERY pleasing.  You ARE good with a croud, partly due to your story, but more inportantly due to your honesty, and like Patsy Clairmont, your sarcastic way to communicate to a croud ROCKS!   I have been to WOF for 15 years now, and I know you stole the show, also I know you touched many women’s lives.   Thank you for sharing, and being funny at the same time.   Don’t ever change. 

  • Sidseers

    God hold and keep you Angie and “family!” All of you! I’ll be praying for blessings only God can give, miracles in each passing day and hope! 

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  • DoubleEtransport

    Hi Angie,  You don’t know me , but I was at women of faith in Indianapolis and heard your story of Audrey. It really touched my heart as I have a sister who lost 3 little boys the same way you did Audrey. so personally I don’t know how you feel but, she does and trust me it was very hard to see her go through it 3 times. Just thought you might want to hear of someone else who went through it too.

  • Kristen

    Angie, I saw you for the first time this past weekend in Indianapolis.  I LOVE all of the porch pals and wonder when someone new joins what they will bring.  As much as I loved everyone last weekend, you were my favorite speaker by far.  Thanks for sharing with us.  I can’t imagine how emotional it was for you, but you rocked it sister.  Keep up the good work! :) Kristen

  • Sherdherd6

    Hi angie, just wanted to tell you a story. My neice was expecting a little girl and like you through ultasound found out the the baby would not live. The dr suggested theyabort but chose to wait. when she was born her liver and some of her intestines were outside her body. she waas still born. they now have twins almost 11 months old. 

  • http://twitter.com/MrsFreeland Amber M. Freeland

    Last week I lost my pregnancy at 17 weeks. I went in for my regular appointment and we were so excited to find out the gender so we could begin shopping. There was no heartbeat on the Doppler so we moved to the ultrasound room. I can’t explain what it feels like to see your baby on the monitor and then to realize that it isn’t moving and there is no heartbeat. Later that day I found out I was having a little girl but I have to have surgery the next day to remove her and say goodbye. This was my 3rd loss in 18 months but the longest I carried. The doctor thinks he knows what the problem is and I go in for blood testing in a month to confirm. I hope he is right but no amount of joy in the future will ever take away the pain I feel right now. Thank you for sharing your story.  

  • Anonymous

    I am so touched by the honesty and raw feelings of emotion in your blog. My husband and I, too, lost our first born daughter 31 years ago after going full term when ultrasounds were not a common practice. It was a heartwrenching experience going into the hospital expecting life ( not knowing our Melissa had any birth defects) and coming home the next day after she had died in my arms. Shock has an odd way of protecting us leaving way for the Spirit to intercede on our behalf in that time of ultimate need. 

    The passage of time is essential to digest the importance and purpose of every living being, no matter how short of life they have lived.  As one friend said it best to me during our grieving, “your little one did in a day what it takes most of us a lifetime to do,” and I realized then that was God’s plan for her.  It took years to comprehend just what was meant in that statement. Her life mattered and she was now in the arms of a most loving God.

    Loss has a funny way of shaking you up to really see all of the blessings God has given unto you. When life is out of control be still for a moment to just see how God is in control. It can be quite amazing. Over the years we have been blessed with 5 healthy sons, and we now have a 2 year old foster child, a little girl named Emily who will soon legally join our family through adoption this coming fall. She is a delight and full of joy – who would have thought that 30 years later that this special little someone would have danced her way into our hearts!
    Be fervant and faithful, hopeful in prayer-thank God for the blessings and the tough times. And then be still and listen and know that He is God! Yes, Bring the Rain!!!

  • Felicia (MaliksMommy)

    This truly helped me… Last year i found out i was pregnant and i was 39 weeks and 3 days! I had 4 days to prepare! I had my beautiful, healthy baby boy April 15, 2010.  Doc said he was the healthiest baby he had ever seen! (Praise the lord)  I lost him to SIDS on June 29, 2010.  A very dark time started for me… I couldnt understand why this had happened to me.  Outta all the people that dont want and abuse kids… it happened to me?!  I admit i doubted… i questioned… i was so hurt.  August i met the love of my life.  My world got brighter finally.  He gave me love that numbed and helped me thru the pain.  We planned to get married on our 1 year anniversary.  August 27th.  well on July 18 i found out i was pregnant.  I didnt wanna get my hopes up til i got to the doctor.  Doctor confirmed it but it hadnt hit me yet… I was gonna be a mommy again… :) Since i wasnt really sure about a due date they scheduled me a ultrasound early.  According to my calculations i would be about 11 weeks.  I saw my little baby bud on tha screen and coulnt quit smiling! I was so excited! then the tech broke the news.  There was no heart beat.  I immediatly burst into tears.  The doctor came in and confirmed.  they wanted me to have a D&C the next day. (this was august 29th. @2 days after our wedding day)  I did the procedure and lost a ton of blood. Today is sept 9th. and im still not close to normal again.  And still may have to have a blood transfusion. Physically, emotionally, and mentally I’m weak, tired, and wanna give up.  I scared to death to try again, even though i knew it could happen i never thought that with losing the first that the Lord would let it happen to me again.   Now im emotionally hurting the worse and dont know where to pick up at…..

    • Me

      It’s going to be okay. God is good, and He won’t let you fall. You will be okay.
      <3

  • Jan

    I hope you’re still reading these comments all this time later…

    I was randomly messing around on itunes tonight, looking for songs
    about strength and helping each other be strong for my sister, who’s going through a frustrating time at work, and came across
    your husband’s band’s song “I Will Carry You (Audrey’s Song)” and felt drawn to
    listen…You see, ten years ago this week, on September 10,
    2001 (yes, that infamous week), my cousin Audrey Caroline was born.  Five days later, on 9/15/01, she passed away,
    due to a birth defect which made her organs shut down, one by one.  We found out on 9/12, along with my aunt and uncle, that something was wrong, and doctors didn’t know if she’d be ok or not.  On the 14th, they knew she wouldn’t live long, yet couldn’t tell us whether it would be a minute or many years.  It was devastating, for all of us, of course,
    but even in the midst of pain, we could see God at work in that she didn’t
    suffer long.  Her life and death, as you commented on your daughter’s, was filled “only with us, her family, and peace”.  That was so beautiful in your online video.  We know, without a doubt,
    that she is with God in heaven,and that we’ll see her again. 

    I’ve taken comfort over the years in songs like Steven
    Curtis Chapman’s “With Hope”, but I didn’t know your song until
    tonight. 

    As I sit here listening on 9/12/11, I can’t help but cry,
    thinking of what our Audrey Caroline would be today, a 10 year old girl, and
    all the things we’ve missed.  I’ve thought about her a lot this week, as the nation has shown us darling 10 year old children who were born in the midst of our national devastation.  It’s almost
    too much, the name being the same as your daughter and all. 
    But your song is helping me to grieve once again, with lines such as
    “there are photographs i wanted to take, things i wanted to show
    you”, and it’s also helping me to once again remember that hope that God
    tells us that no one could love her better than Him, and that He’s holding her
    with Him.  I watched your video online tonight, and I’m planning to buy your book.  I was blown away by your faith, and so moved by your words of “my Jesus is the same now as before we knew this”.  My aunt has made it clear that she, too, had she known, would still have chosen life for Audrey, and I’m so thankful for the brief moment we had her.  My whole family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, were gathered at the hospital that day, and what a gift our little girl was, even for just that briefest of time.  

    THANK YOU for your song, for sharing so personal a story, for your witness of faith that knows that death is conquered once and for all, and for letting me see (through YouTube videos and interviews) your beautiful
    Audrey Caroline.  I’ll be praying for
    your family.

    In Christ’s hope-filled love, Jan

  • Rebekah

    Is there a I will carry you song/video with boy themed? I thought I had read once before that there was one. A friend of mine has gotten horrible news today about her unborn son and I’d love to share the song with her to encourage her that God is still carrying her and this sweet baby. 

  • Sue

    My husband and I lost our first son, Michael Anthony, on May 15, 2007.  He was born via emergency c-section at 26 weeks.  At 18 weeks we were sent to the neonatologist to find out that his bladder wasn’t emptying.  The doctor made me do an amnio b/c he said if there were issues that would keep him from living, he would not perform the much needed surgery that would allow him to empty his bladder.  The amnio came back clean (much to his surprise – he was 97% sure that there was something fataly wrong). We did the surgery and it was a success… kind of.  We found ourselves praying, “Please LORD, help him pee,”  al day, every day. Which is a little funny now.  The TONS of ultrasounds that followed showed that the surgery was allowing him to empty his bladder.  Unfortunately, he started to develop fluid around his heart, lungs, brain, and under his skin.  There were two different heart issues they believed that he had as well.  They kept reminding us that his odd of living were minimal.  He had club feet as well and they thought if he did survive, then he might never have walked.  My water broke at 26 weeks and they gave him steroid shots for his lungs as they knew delivery would have to be withing 24 hours.  His heart rate dropped, and we rush into the OR for emergency surgery.  He didn’t breathe once outside of the womb.  The doctor, who is also a Christian woman, took our camera and took pictures as we held him.  Because of the bladder issue, it seems his belly was so distended that it pinch the umbilical cord where it connected to his belly, and it simply fell off when they delivered him.  Because of the fluid under his skin, his skin was like tissue paper, and it fell off when it was touched.  They wrapped him tight in a blanket, and all I ever saw of him was his face.  Someday in heaven, I will see his perfect body.  A part of me wished I had asked to see all of him. I followed your blog of Audrey Caroline from almost the beginning.  You were such a blessing to me as I’m an accountant, and not really good with being introspective or expressing myself.  Your ability to express how you felt with words really helped me to understand my feelings and helped me realize how I felt was “normal.”  His first birthday was really really hard.  I was so mad that I had to take flowers to a grave instead of making a birthday cake and having a party.  Your blog on Audrey’s birthday helped me to be okay with those feelings.  My husband and I struggled to get pregnant after that.  We ended up doing two rounds of IVF and as a result, have two happy, healthy boys.  Anthony (2) and Giovanni (2 mos).  As you know, it gets easier with each month/year.  I only still struggle when people ask me how many children I have.  I also don’t know if/when I will tell my boys about their brother.  I long for the day when we can worship at the Lord’s feet as a complete family.  I can’t thank you enough for sharing your journey through your blog and your book.  They helped me more than you can know.  I was contemplating going to WOF in Tampa this year, as it will be a hectic month (and it’s hard to leave a 3 month old nursing baby that long) but when I saw you were speaking, it solidified my decision.  I do wish I knew if you were speaking on Friday or Saturday, or both.  Not sure I can make it Friday, but would be sad if I missed your talk.  Not sure if you can share that or not, but I would appreciate it if you could.  Thanks again for sharing your story.  You are a blessing. 

    • http://www.nowakfamilyforjesus.wordpress.com Mrs Nowak

      Be strong, God will wipe away our tears….am sure your lovely boy is indeed in Heaven! Have peace!

  • Jacqui

    Dear Angie, thank you so much for writing about Audrey and the beautiful things that God has done and will continue to do in all of your lives.  The way that you chose to honour God and honour life, for as long as He gives it, it’s a beautiful example of complete faith and trust!  God will use Audrey’s life and the experience you’ve grown from, to His ultimate glory.  I know this.  We serve a very big, very amazing, awesome God!  Our church is doing the study right now, Faithful, Abundant, True – by Kay Arthur, Priscilla Shirer and Beth Moore.  That’s how I came upon your story…  It has touched my heart in a huge, monumental way, and I pray God’s richest blessing on you and your family as you continue to live out your faith in such a wonderful way!  God be with you and bless you!  ~Jacqui~ 

  • Hnposton

    Dear Angie, I came across your book last week when i was searching for a book to help me cope with the death of my daughters. I am a 25 yr old mother of 4. I had my first daughter Arizona, when i was 17. On November 13, 2003,when i was 28 weeks pregnant with her i went into early labor while i was at school. She weighed 2lbs 10oz and she was beautiful! She died when she was only 14 days old. The hospital called me when she was dying and didnt know why. But all i could do was hold her in my arms and cry until God took her home to be with Him. I couldnt understand it bc she was doing so good. I was a senior in high school! I should have been thinking about my graduation and looking for my dress for my prom but instead, i was looking for a dress tiny enough for my daughter to wear to her funeral. The day after her funeral, the doctor from the NICU called to tell me that her blood test came back showing that she had E. Coli in her blood stream and thats what killed her. How? Who knows! A year later i found out that i was pregnant again. This time it was twins! I had a bad feeling about the pregnancy from day one and i cried when i found out i was pregnant bc i couldnt bear going through it again but i thought for sure that God was giving me two girls bc He took Arizona. But on May 19, 2005, at 22 weeks pregnant i gave birth to Annie and Allie. Annie weighed 12oz and died right away. Allie weighed 14oz and lived for two hours. How could this happen again? I thought they were my gift! A year later i was pregnant again. This time a boy. I had my son Landy on April 8, 2007. He is now 4 yrs old and the love of my life. Everything happens for a reason. If it wasnt for their death, i wouldnt have the love that i have for Landy and for God. I havent finished your book yet but i have cried with you through the whole thing. The love that you have for Audrey is the love that i have for my girls. And the pain that you have i still have today almost 8 yrs later. Thank you for sharing your story and your love for God bc it has helped me so much in such a short period of time. God bless you and your beautiful family!

  • Boringmomofmany

    Dear Angie,
    My name is Mandi Hutton. i am a mother of two wonderful boys and two angels. in 2006 when i was 8 months pregnant the doctor looked and me and told me to go home and have a miscarriage and that there was nothing they could do. i refused and moved to a differnt hospital my daughter katie ann was born 1 pd 2 onces she was so precious. she lived for 2 hours. that was the hardest and scarest two hours of my life and i have had the grief and anger and all the other emotions since then. i have remained strong for the last few years for my sons and husband while deep down it was still as raw as the day it happend. this weekend i was sponserd to go on a woman of faith confrence in pittsburgh. since 2006 i really had no faith left i couldnt get over the why me and why did this happen and i felt so alone. well the first day of the confrence was good but i still hadnt realized why i was there. after the first night my room mates and i went back to the hotel and there was a song on the radio called angie and my room mate adra kept calling me angie it just stuck in her head. we laughed and went to sleep. the next morning i was so sore and was ready to not go back to the confrence but something was calling me so i pushed on and went. i went with a group of woman that i barely knew but i was so glad i got to meet them. i turned my head to see a woman i reconized when i lost katie i was in a mops group and one of the ladies that supported me threw this time was there so i thought maybe this is my sign im sapose to be here. so the light dimmed and then it all became so clear when you got up on stage and shared your story. it was so simular to mine and i no longer felt alone it was life my heart was lifted. i thank you for sharing your story it truley touched me.  i also want to thank the person who sponserd me so i could attend and thank the Linesville ladies who let me join them. god brings people together for a reason and now i know why. thank you again for your story and touching my heart. i hope to see you next september in pittsburgh.
    With much Love
    Mandi Hutton

  • http://www.emptynestkoolaidmom.blogspot.com chantell

    Angie,
    I heard Selah for the first time at Women of Faith in Portland, Oregon.  Your husband Todd shared a little bit about Audrey and the song that he wrote. As he perfomed it,the peace of God just washed over my soul.  Almost 2 years on December 4, 2009 my son and daughter in law lost twins. They were our 2ndand 3rd grandchildren.   Drew and Tiana were born at just under 21 weeks.  My husband and I were there for their birth and passing to be with our Heavelnly Father.  We were able to hold our precious grandchildren.  
    bThe pain and grief for me has been at sometimes absolutely unbearable.  But as unbearable as it is for me, how much more for my son and hs wife?  It is just unfathomable to me.  I thank God for you, for sharing this beautiful story about Audrey, for your husband Todd who despite the pain and grief wrote a such an amazing song that would help me on my road to healing.  I will always have a place in my heart that aches for my grandbabies.  That place I know will heal the day I meet them in Glory. 

    God richest blessings to you, Todd and your family!

    Chantell
    Portland, Oregon
     

  • Brenda

    God bless you and your family, Angie. I was choked up during the entire read. I thank God for you and your positive attitude and blind trust. Your strength brings strength to others.

    Remember Romans 8:28.

  • Brandy Hansen

    I bawled while reading this.  I would have given anything to be able to carry my baby for longer.  He was taken much too early.  This story and the song I Will Carry You may bring tears to my eyes but they give me such strength.  Bless you, your family, and of course your sweet little Audrey. 

  • Marielouise82

    Angie, A good friend of mine brought me your book to read this week. . On August 22nd 2011 seven months into my pregnancy, I was told our little Girl no longer had a heartbeat. I gave birth to Alexa Marie on August 25th 2011. As I read your book I felt the Holy Spirit all around me as I was reading everything I was feeling and going through and it gave me Strength and Hope. I can’t tell you how many times I have listenend to the song, Audrey’s song this week as well. God Bless you and your family and Thank you.

  • Ryder’smommy

    Angie I want to thank you for sharing your amazing story. I am sure God chose you to be His messenger here on Earth for us mothers that are struggling on understanding why our babies aren’t with us anymore. I know God only wants the best for us but the pain is so deep sometimes is overwhelming. I lost my baby boy  to stillbirth on July 25 2011 at 28 weeks of gestation. My life hasn’t been the same ever since. Though, blogs like yours have helped me somehow walk  on this path of sorrow. God Bless you and your family.

  • Joyce

    I just read, “What Women Fear” and wanted to say, thank you.  

  • Denise

    Angie, I want to thank you for your courage in sharing your story.  I have followed your blog and heard you share this valuable story at the St. Paul Women of Faith over the weekend.  May God continue to give you courage and thank you for being an inspiration to so many.   Denise

  • Anonymous

    Angie…your blog was suggested to me this past week. I have an angel in heaven waiting on me and now my angel has a cousin (baby boy) that is waiting also. I have barely began to scratch the surface of your blog,  but I will read each and every word. I plan on getting 2 copies of your book ASAP. One for my broken heart and another for my sister in law and brother. This is their first child (she was 19 weeks and 4 days) , they got to hold and love him for an hour this past Tuesday (October 25th) afternoon….one of the longest hours of my life. My brother (his name is Todd :-) ) and his wife have been together for 17 years. Ironically Todd invited her to my wedding, 17 years ago last month, they dated 9 years while finishing up school and beginning their careers (they are in their mid thirties). Eight years later, this past July on her birthday,  I finally out of the clear blue got the call…Todd was laughing as he said, “well sis, your WISH is finally being granted…you are going to be an Aunt!” Sweetest words I could have heard from him! I cried after I was told, cried when I told my husband and kids the wonderful news and now I find myself doing nothing but crying.  Todd and I have always been very close (no other siblings) and his wife has grown up before my eyes. Oh, did I mention I’m the “older sister”? Only by 4 yours, but I have a 14 year old son, a 10 year old daughter and a 7 year old son. We have all prayed for this baby, long before he was even a twinkle in our eyes…Her water broke last Saturday morning….He arrived 84 hours later. Unfortunately, they live about 3 1/2 hours from where they grew up (we drove down there twice during the 84 hours and stayed well beyond that time)and my husband and I are the only siblings either have….as my husband has said, you can’t be together as long as we all have and still continue to use the “sister/brother in law” when referring to one another…it’s just brother and sister! I feel so useless and hate that they are alone…even though I KNOW they need their own private time together to grieve.  I remember my miscarriage (I was 13 weeks) just like it was yesterday and not 11 years ago, and it was HARD, so incredibly hard. I had a second miscarriage several months later (I was around 7 weeks that time) and it was awful…but I only held my baby in my body, heart and soul…never (not yet at least) in my arms the way she has. The pain I feel for her physically hurts  at this point…The only consolation, right now, that I can find in any of this is that I KNOW MY GOD doesn’t make mistakes and that HIS reasons do not have to be understood by me…and HE WILL use this for HIS GLORY! I just have to keep reminding myself of this constantly!
    Looking back I have rambled…but I suppose I needed to get some of my thoughts out! Thanks for giving me a place to do just that!  BTW….We also homeschool (Classical Conversations is what we have been doing for the past 2 years after 7 years of ABeka and Bob Jones). 
    Stephanie

  • Meg Delo

    October 30, 2011.  Dear Sweet Angie ~ I cannot even begin to tell you how much you and Audrey have touched my life in just the past 24 hours!  I saw you at Women of Faith when I arrived on Saturday morning, but I didn’t know who you were and had not been able to attend the night before, so I didn’t feel comfortable going up to talk to you. How I regret now that I didn’t! I have attended Women of Faith every year for as long as I can remember.  I have taken my 2 daughters and a guest almost every year, but this year, both daughters are breastfeeding babies that were really too old to bring along,  I just returned from vacation earlier this week, and am still recovering from recent hernia surgery, so I had decided not to go this year. A very dear friend in our church has been battling ovarian cancer for the past year, though, and had just attended last year for the first time, and she had WON 2 tickets this year and wanted my daughter Jana to be her guest.  If Jana couldn’t go, then she wanted me, and Jana just didn’t feel comfortable leaving 7 month old Miranda, who is being breastfed exclusively, for that long. I knew in my heart that God had a specific reason He wanted me to go when it became inevitable that I was going, in spite of all my feeble reasons not to!  Little did I know that you and your precious little Audrey WERE those “reasons” God wanted me there!  Your story touched my heart in more ways than I can ever express to you, and I bought your book on the way out and read the ENTIRE book last night before going to sleep!  I have been an O.B. nurse for 47 years, so I have seen much sadness over the time I was working at the job that is supposed to be the “happiest job in the world”!  I have always tried to be loving and compassionate to my patients, especially those experiencing loss, and I have prayed with and ministered to many.  I have also had at least 5 miscarriages in my earlier years (we think there was a 6th, too, but were not sure), and it was in a time when “miscarriage” was just kind of swept under the rug with phrases like, “You’re young….you can always have another baby”, or “It must have been God’s will,” or “There was probably something wrong with the baby.”  I lost my 1st 3 within 9 months time back in 1965 and 66….then we finally were blessed with Jill in 1968.  I lost another one before Jay came along in 1971, and still another just before I found out I was pregnant with Jana, who came in 1975.  I had always wanted 4 children, but after Jana arrived, I had my tubes tied because I just could not bear the thought of losing any more!  When the terminology changed as the years went by, I went to my gynecologist one day to be greeted by a nurse who scanned my records and said, “Well, I see you’ve had 5 abortions and 3 babies!” I went ballistic, to put it mildly, to which she just kind of shrugged her shoulders at my corrections and said, “Same difference!”  Today, at almost 67, I am the very blessed grandmother of 11 AWESOME “grands” who all live within 10 minutes of us, and in spite of rather “iffy” finances, feel like the richest woman in the world! Two of them have genetic disorders, which only seems to make them MORE special and makes me feel so very honored that God thought that I was worthy to be their Grandmother!  Your story yesterday touched me in more ways than I can actually explain, and my husband of 48 years found me dressing for church this morning with tears rolling down my cheeks.  When he asked me what was wrong, I blurted out, “She VALIDATED our babies….Angie VALIDATED all of our babies!  She even asked ME to stand up to further validate them!”  He said, “She singled YOU out to stand up?”, and I bawled out, “Oh no!  There were 1000′s of other women standing, too, but she asked ME to stand up to VALIDATE our babies!”  I just blubbered nonsensically to my poor confused husband, and ended up taking a very rare Xanax before church just to be able make it through without blubbering even more!  I broke down again while praying at the alter for a sweet little boy in our church who is facing an MRI this week to further evaluate serious problems he may be encountering due to a suspicious growth in his pituitary gland, and I was praying for God to not take yet another child from us!  When you told us Audrey’s story, one of my first thoughts, strangely enough, was that I lost a dear friend named Audrey to pancreatic cancer recently, and I wondered if  my Audrey might be experiencing the joy of rocking and cuddling your Audrey!  I know I have rambled on way too long, but I SO enjoyed your beautiful book, your whole presentation at WOF, and even watching you cuddling that precious little girl throughout some of the time, since I was sittiing just to the left of the “porch”! Your 3 other little girls are adorable and such a sweet blessing and addition to your story, and I cannot WAIT to get out and find the CD tomorrow to hear and be blessed by her song!  Thank you SO very much for allowing your precious little Audrey (and her Mom!) to minister to my life yesterday so profoundly!   Love, prayers, and blessings to you and your beautiful family!  Meg Delo, Coral Springs, FL. (bobcow18@aol.com)
     

  • Bridget

    Thank you for sharing your story.  I too have started a blog, just today actually, http://www.approachnormal.blogspot.com where I am discussing the similar situation with our daughter Stella.  We lost her 3 months ago after carrying her full term knowing that she would not survive.  We had her for 2 hours and my blog is about dealing with the aftermath of all of that.  I would love to know how that is going for you.  I look forward to reading your book.  Again, thank you for sharing.  God bless!

  • Sarah C.

    Hi Angie–

     I thoroughly enjoyed my first WOF experience this weekend in Ft. Lauderdale.  All of you are awesome, but you and your testimony have stayed with me.  I have never lost a child, but I did bring my 3-month old son Isaiah with me to the conference.  I cannot imagine the pain you have been through or the emotions you still carry with you; but as a new mom, I know the incredible love we have for the little creations God has blessed us with.  Each time I remember the picture of your precious little Audrey on the scale, and your beautiful family photo, my heart aches for you and your family.  BUT, your testimony reminds me that there is a mighty God and a wonderful Savior who walks us through each trial this life brings.  I look forward to reading your book, What Women Fear, in addition to God’s Word of course, to prepare myself for life’s trials. Your smile, humor and joy are proof that God can heal.  I thank you for your courage to tell your story and remind us to keep our eyes on our Savior during life’s storms.  You are a faithful messenger, and God should be well pleased by your service.  I have no doubt your little Audrey is held in our Father’s arms until you see her again!   May God bless you and your loved ones!

    Sarah C., Naples, FL

  • Melissa

    Angie…
    I attended WOF this past weekend in Ft Lauderdale. I am the mother of a 4 year old and a 22 month old and, though I have never lost a child, I was truly touched by your testimony.  Your courage and strength and amazing faith in the Lord… what a true inspiration.  Thank you for having the strength to share your story… what an amazing story it is… Audrey Caroline, without a doubt, left such a great impact on her family and, now, lives on through the story of her short life.  Thank you so much!    

  • Karen Clark

    Angie,

    I attended my first WOF event in Rochester this weekend.  Your and Audrey’s story impacted me. I laughed and cried with you at the same time.  (I haven’t done that in years.)  Thank you for sharing your story with me this weekend.  

    Karen Clark
    Greene, NY

  • Katie-

    Yesterday I met you at Women of Faith and you so kindly signed my book.  I showed you a picture of my son Evan who was born too prematurely to survive…..  You told me “he’s beautiful’.  Not “he’s so tiny” or  ”how awful”.  How refreshing to hear someone else recognize that there is joy in being the mother of every child, even admidst the grief of losing him.  God certainly had a plan for Audrey’s life…thank you for openly sharing and celebrating that life. 

  • Jean

    Oh my Angie it has been 30 years since I lost my first baby at full term and didn’t think there were any of those longings or emotions left until I read this…Thank you for putting into words what I have felt for all these years…So happy to know my angels are waiting beyond the gates for me..

  • Jenna

    Dear Angie -

    I heard your story at the Women of Faith conference yesterday, and as heart-wrenching as it was to hear, I can’t
    imagine how painful it had to be for you to experience. As a mother myself, I could not fathom the grief of losing one of my children, yet your story spoke of an strong faith in God, despite the mountain you had to climb. You are truly an inspiration & I’m so grateful that I
    got to hear you speak. You showed me that true,
    unwavering faith is defined when you stand in front of the hardest
    obstacle of your life, and you still put all your hope & trust in
    God. It is when you believe, that no matter the outcome, He has a good
    plan in place. You faced the worst pain imaginable and you still stood strong in your faithfulness. Because of you, I feel as though I can face anything. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

  • Jessica

    What a beautiful, inspiring, amazing addition to Women Of Faith you are!  Thank you for  sharing your story with us~I will NEVER forget what you said.  You are such a blessing and I pray that God will continue to bless you and your ministry!  Please come back to CT next year for the next WOF conference!!!  ONYA!  Jessica

  • Karter Swenson

    Angie,
    Three weeks ago I gave birth to my stillborn baby girl (our first child). Her name was Rhyder, born Oct. 26,2011, she weighed 6lbs. 7 oz. I was 37 weeks pregnant when I went to the doctor to find out there was no heartbeat. I was devistated and in shock, I had had such a normal, healthy pregnancy. I thought, this can’t be happening to me!! Things like this don’t happen to christians like us, right? I remember the doctor telling me I was going to have to deliver this baby, and I remember thinking…I CAN’T! I mean how do you prepare yourself for something like that? As I went home to wait for my husband and family to arrive, I felt like I was in a nightmare dying to wake up. We went to the hospital that night at around 8p.m. They started me on pitocin and I was ready to start pushing at 3 a.m. I knew God was with me through this terrible time. He gave me the strength I needed to get through this. I pushed for about an hour and delivered our beautiful baby girl. Words cannot express the feelings that I felt as I watched the nurses clean off my dead baby’s body. No one should ever have to experiencc that. I remember holding her innocent body in my arms, and I just had a peace about me. Of course, I was devistated but I just remember the entire process (labor and all) seeming somewhat ”easy”.  I remember holding her and my husband finally telling me it was time to let go, because like you said in your book, their bodies were changing so fast. I remember him telling me I was falling in love with her shell, and she was not there anymore. I find much peace and comfort in knowing she went straight from my loving womb to God. Looking back I know God took great care of me, I never felt an ounce of physical pain while I was there and he continues to give me strength. When I returned home, among many of the text messages I had recieved, I had a friend ask me what they could do for me. I told them to find me a good book to read because I had just finished “Heaven is for real”. She bought me your book ” I will carry you”. Angie, your book has helped me heal in so many ways. I can relate to everything you wroteabout and I have felt the same things you have. I find comfort in your story and I love reading the scripture you included. Your faith and strength is amazing and inspiring. I know God will continue to bless us in the future and will give us more beautiful babies. I am so glad I don’t feel so alone anymore. Thank you Angie for sharing your story and thank you for the sweet song that melts my heart.

    “An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth, then whispered as she closed the book ” too beautiful for Earth”".

    Karter Swenson
     karter.ziegler@ttu.edu

    • Doris Hooker

      I am so sorry for your loss, I to have experienced a loss of a child. I just posted my story. My heart breaks for your family and your in my thoughts and prayers!

    • Robin Turner

      I am so sorry this happened to you but I am so glad you shared your story, and in such a beautiful way too. My best friend lost her son almost a year ago just 45 minutes after birth. We grieve the babies we never got to hold but rejoice knowing they opened their eyes in Heaven with our gentle Jesus. God keep you close til you are reunited with He and Rhyder!

  • Misty

    We found out a month ago, at our 18-week ultrasound, that our precious daughter has polycystic kidneys, little amniotic fluid, and no chance of survival. Your blog has encouraged me and the song “I Will Carry You” has touched me immeasurably.  Thank you for sharing your story and helping me to feel that I am not the only one.  I am now 21 weeks along, praying for a miracle but also praying that God will just get us through this.  May He bless your family with joy unspeakable as you continue to minister through your writing.

    • Misty

      Our daughter, Anna Grace, was born March 28, 2012. She lived for five hours, five hours that constituted a lifetime for our Anna. It was devastating but beautiful. I don’t know if you read these posts, Angie Smith, but if you do, know that God has used your testimony in my life as if you were a best friend, guiding me through my emotions, doubts, and grief. Our Anna would be 19 months old now, a bubbling and vivacious addition to our family. She is the little sister my children will always miss and the daughter I will always yearn to raise. She is also a gift that will remain in and with me until I see her beautiful face in heaven. I love you in Christ, and I appreciate your willingness to answer the call God has on your life.

  • Erin

    Dear Audrey Caroline,

    I pray that I can make the even half the impact on this earth that you made in your short, sweet little life.

    Praising God for angels like you and for mommas like yours. Erin

  • frankie williams

    Your story is indeed a blessing to me, as i type this blog a chilling ppeace has come upon me, i just watched you on pastor robinson tv program and feeling down about my health, you encourage me to let go and LET GOD, i have polycystic kidneys disease for the past five years and it is painful with other things attacking this body, i will keep my head up. thank you for sharing and GOD bless you and your family. frankie

  • Mrzhammond04

    January 3 2012 i went to the hospital 15 weeks pregnant with my third at that time unknowing it was a girl my “Presleigh Marie” told them i was having contractions and they ran test did ultrasound said shes fine go home you hurt because shes active and perfectly healthy no reason to stress. I got home around 2 am the 4th( i knew in my heart something was wrong as a mother you just do) and was back before 7 am. My water broke and i delivered a tiny baby girl in the hall going to a room as they were arguing if i should even be on their labor floor caus ei wasnt far enough to be there! all i could think was shes moving and alive what do you mean and how can you choose if shes enough to be here. We were able to hold her and she passed in my arms, shortly after i was rushed to emergency surgery for hemmorage as my blood pressure dropped (70/30) i remember thinking just let me go she needs me. Of course im grateful im here i have a 17 month old and a nearly 7 year old who are my world, but the dooctor says we will do test for next time and all i can think and still thinking next time? love  is not transferable you cant just move your love from one child to another she is my blessing one i was meant to have. Audreys story was recommended to me this past week and I  think its a gift I have been given because im certainly struggling right now and i know its wrong to question his plan but i think sometimes the human nature takes over and God understands and thankfully forgives. we have recieved alot of negative comments about it was better now than later, your young enough for more, etc. so thank you for your story  I will use Audrey as an inspiration of  strength to move forward in the right way, Presleigh has impacted our world in a major way sometimes its just at the point of wanting to scream, “She was here! stop expecting us to move on!” God Bless, The Hammond Family

  • Doris Hooker

    I was 4 months preg. with my second child… A son, we would call Andew. (name meaning stong, we didnt know at the time what that would mean)  I like you had a “feeling” that something was unusual.  I asked for an ultrasound.  It was there we were told our baby had congenital Hydrocephalus (water on the brain.) We were of course sent to specialists and told we had little if any hope our baby would ever live a happy “normal” life. We were  asked many times to abort for that reason which just was NOT an option for our family. God makes miracles not mistakes, as Andrew’s smile and love for life eventually proved the drs all wrong. Yes he did have to fight the first 2 years but he did it with such strength we knew only God could give him. Sadly a few short weeks after his 4th birthday our son was chosen to go to Heaven early. It had nothing to do with his hydrocephalus he vomited and aspirated when having the flu. Its been 11 yrs not and not a day goes by we dont miss him and he is not the 1st thing I think about when I get up and the last thing when I close my eyes to go to sleep. Thank You for telling your story. It warms my heart.  The night before he passed away he was sick and wanted me to write silly things on his hand like his papa did…. Normally this would be very UNUSUAL for me to do but for some reason I grabed the pen and drew a heart on one hand and said “This means Mommy will always love you” and a cross on the other and said “This means Jesus will always take care of you.”  He passed away the next day. We ask that they were not to be removed… This was our special way of saying goodbye without knowing it.  Andrew’s memorial website is: http://home.comcast.net/~cdmaa/  Our e-mail is cdmaa@comcasst.net We would love to hear from other parents.

  • Cbandlow

    on feb 23 i delievered my twin boys. Andrew who had gone to God at 14 weeks.. I was 21 weeks when I delievered. Joshua was born alive and went to be with God while in his daddys arms. Your song I will carry you has touched me and is helping me deal with the loss off my boys. I have 5 other children at home who also love the song. My Joshua also had very low to none amniotic fluid. We know God is in controll and knew all along that there was very little chance of either of them living. We did all we could and yet God called them home….

  • Mf_jf_felix

    I just read a part of Audrey’s story in “Faithful Abundant True”, featuring Kay Arthur, Priscilla Shirer and Beth Moore.  I was deeply moved, and it brought tears to my eyes.  I have 3 wonderful, healthy boys.  Ages, 5 yrs old, 2 years old a 4 months old.  Thank you God.  I could not imagine the feeling of loss nor do I ever want to.  I do however have a dear friend of mine who lost her little man a little over a year ago.  She struggles day in and day out with this.  I have a difficult time finding the right words to comfort her.  I pray for her that she may allow God to take over and that she may grieve, and find comfort in knowing that God is with her.  I was so deeply touched by your story Angie, that I will buy her your book, and hope and pray that she will find strength!  God bless you and your family.  Marie

  • MaySze

    Dear Angie,

    Your story brought tears in my eyes. I have just found your blog recently. I’m so thankful for your openness and honesty in this such difficult story in you and your husband lives.

    I’m a neonatal nurse in London. Dealing with sick babies is a part of my job. Even so, I’m terrible upset when babies departed in these most unexpected ways. I have seen so many worried and tearful faces day after day. I don’t have children for myself. But seeing their faces, my heart always sinks… And yet I need to put a strong (a professional one you may say) to encourage them, even though there is doubt in my heart about those critical unstable babies. I always pray for those babies, if I’m not totally exhausted from my work (as I work 12 hours in one shift). I always believe that it is only prayer can make a major changes in not the babies’ lives, but also the parents.

    I’m so grateful to read your story. Audrey is a lucky girl to have a mother like you.

    MaySze

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  • Dianne Goulette

    Angie,
    I just stumbled upon your blog and heard the song “I Will Carry You” which brought tears to my eyes.  December 21, 2007 I delivered my first daughter, Amara, whose name means eternal beauty.  At around 25 weeks gestation we found out that our baby had Trisomy 13 and “would not be compatible for life.”  Other babies with the same genetic challenge have surrived but with various medical issues and different qualities of life.  Amara had so many things “wrong” with her that it was highly unlikely she’d be with us much longer.  To the surprise of everyone she was with us until 36 weeks gestation.  I had a feeling she was loosing strength and ended up delivering her stillborn.  After finding out we were pregnant a second time we went back to the specialists that informed us of Amara’s chromosomal malformation to see about this new pregnancy.  Everything looked great but the still could not rule out Down Syndrome and asked if we wanted to test.  I remember telling the doctor that Down Syndrome was the least of my concerns.  I wanted my baby.  December 19, 2008 we delivered the most joyful daughter a parent could have, Paxtyn.  By the way…I am convinced that she came in to the world on the one year anniversary of her sister’s going to live with God!  That is only one of the little miracles Amara has brought to us, and her little sister.  I know that God was listening to me that day in the specialists office as we looked at Paxtyn’s ultrasound pictures.  He heard that we were open to having a child with Down Syndrome and knew we were a strong couple.  September 16, 2011 he sent us Quinn.  She is the Down Syndrome baby He knew we would accept, raise up, and cherrish.  She has a beautiful soul, a spunky spirit, and when you meet her you look right past the Down Syndrome.  My husband and I have seen a number of trials in our time together but we weather the storm together knowing that He has a plan and it is not up to us to know the reasons why.  I know the thoughts you had while carrying Audrey because I had the same ones.  I know the questions you asked Him.  I know the tears you cried.  And yet, today as I write this I know why He chose me.  He chose me to be their mom…all 3 of them!  Thank you for sharing your story and allowing me to share mine.
    Dianne Goulette
    Mohawk, MI

  • http://twitter.com/callmeJing Jing P.

    Dearest Angie,

    I’m sitting here wiping tears as they run down my face.  Your story has moved me and taken me back to a place and time that feels like a dream but I know it was real.  After reading all of the comments, I feel encouraged by the strength displayed here, in your community of readers.  It was in 2008 when we were blessed with our second baby and all too soon, it was over.  He (in my heart I know he was a “he”) was with us for less than a trimester.  It was one of the most devastating times I have ever experienced.  It felt like walking down a street in the middle of a horrific storm, barefoot, the wind and rain whpping around you.  My emotions were ravaged.  ”Bring The Rain” was the song that ministered to me in those horrible moments.  The lyrics, so poignant and relevant during those times, and it still is.  I hung on to my faith in God and the hope that comes with it like a child that hangs on to his mother’s leg and never wants to let go.   I blogged about it then, as a way of release.  This is how I ended that piece:

    >>Catharsis defined as “emotional release: an experience or feeling of spiritual release and purification brought about by an intense emotional experience.”
    This day, completely different than that fateful day when the doctor informed me that my pregnancy will not continue.  I walked out of the clinic into the streets where rain came pouring down on me, mixing with my tears.  The skies were dark and angry. My world came crashing down like the rain. On this fateful day, I walked out of that place, that place “designed to create a comforting and healing environment” with my husband by my side.  It was beautiful; fluffy white clouds danced against the bright blue skies, vibrant green leaves on flowering trees, even a duck in their little pond.  It felt like He created this day just for me.  Life carries on. Tonight I end my day a changed woman.  As I lay on my bed tonight I know I will put my hand to my empty womb and I will grieve for those I’ve lost.  But I know I will awaken with the promise of a new day. The storm is just a drizzle now, the clouds are beginning to part and I see the blue skies beyond. <<

    He has since blessed us with Logan, who is so incredibly full of life at 2 years old.  God is SO good!  
    God bless you all. :-) )
    Anna P.

  • Spl719

    Hi Angie, I found your blog when I googled that song that was played at the Duggar’s memorial service.  As you know, it’s your song!  I am completely in awe of you and your husband.  Your strength, your faith in God and your love for one another and your girls is truly inspiring.  I have 2 children, age3 3 and 1 1/2 and I can only imagine the pain that you went through with your loss.  My sister had 2 miscarriages and I feel like she was never allowed to really grieve her losses.  Thank you for sharing your story.  You have opened my eyes and I can honestly say that I will look at life differently because of you.
    -Susan

  • stephanie A

    Dear Angie,

    I also found your blog when I googled your song “I Will Carry You” which I heard at the Duggar’s memorial service.  I heard the song and cried. I am sitting here reading and watching youtube videos of you and brings back those memories that I also lived.

    I had a very heartbreaking miscarriage 3 months ago. This was our first baby. I was 10 weeks pregnant and went for a routine check up to find out there was no heartbeat.  Although it has been a little over 3 months I am still trying to get myself together. It has been very hard for me.

    Thank you for giving me strength and sharing your story!

    Stephanie A.

  • Michelle Nowik

    I’m truly touched by your story, I heard your song on the Duggers and started crying, I googled the lyrics and found you. I had a miscarriage 19 months ago, and trying to heal. I ordered your book online and think your a strong and beautiful person for the decision you have made <3 God Bless! Michelle N. Newington, CT

  • Kwlodarc

    Thank you for wriing this. I have now lost 4 babies in 18 months and i take comfort somewhat in the fact that im not alone. Hey Sunday! God bless you and yours.
    Kristi W

  • Ann Lobo

    Dear Angie,

    I love your blog.  I will pray for you, the little one and your family.  I sincerely hope there will be a happy ending – God’s way  always has a happy ending!

    Love
    annlobo2000@yahoo.com 

  • AMH

    i am very sorry about your loss. i heard about you adn your family when i was watching the episode of the duggars: a duggar loss. i heard i will carry you song and i couldnt get it out of my head. i was singing it at school (i am 13 and in 7th grade) and they said to google the lyrics. i googled it and i googled audrey’s story.happy birthday to audrey caroline. although you never got tro raise her she is with god and being raised by him.

  • Alicia

    Oh, Angie.  Thank you so much for sharing your pain and your joy with us.  I was pregnant with my first child less than 6 weeks ago, when an ultrasound revealed his heart had gone still.  I’m 40.  My husband and I first married 19 years ago and divorced a couple of years later after a drug addiction destroyed our marriage.  I spent 15 years living an “alternative lifestyle.” March 8 of last year, the relationship ended suddenly and without warning.  I had no idea that my ex-husband’s second marriage, having produced two children in it’s eight tumultuous years, was dissolving at that very time, 150 miles away.  His divorce became final in June.  I emailed him out of the blue on August 13 (he had emailed me years before sending a picture of his kids, but other than that, we hadn’t been in contact for nearly 2 decades).  After three days of email, text, and late night phone calls, he came to visit one evening.  We sat down on my couch and he put his arm around me, and for the first time in 17 years, I remembered where it was I belonged.  We were married on 11/11/11 and apparently became pregnant within days.   For eighteen weeks, I experienced the ups and downs, the joy and the fears (being forty, you never stop worrying..) of pregnancy, sighed a bit of a sigh of relief when i reached that second trimester, but was still afraid to hope and hoping against hope that I was finally going to get to hold this baby of whom I’d dreamed back when I was that innocent, hopeful 21 year old, walking down the aisle on her Daddy’s arm.  On March 5, almost a year to the day when my life had taken such a drastic turn the year prior,  I began to spot and cramp a bit.  My mother in law, a nurse, whisked me off to the emergency room.  I look back now and know that God was already at work.  When I would be told that a heartbeat wasn’t found, it would be by a sweet, gentle friend of my mother in law’s, who “happened” to be working that shift.  His gentle voice will always be the one that I hear when I remember those words.  I had had some trouble getting settled with an ob/gyn that I was happy with due to insurance nightmares and the doctor who was on call that evening was actually the one ob/gyn that I had gone to at eight weeks and had decided against.  But, as it “happened,” there was another doctor on call for him.  I didn’t meet him that night, but was told to home and rest, and to report to the office of Dr. Moses in the morning.  Released from the er, diagnosis: fetal demise.  Even in my despair, when I walked into the office the next morning with my husband, mother, and mother in law, I could feel God’s presence.  The writing was on the wall.  In large black script on the wall, “Made by God, delivered by Moses.”  I found my doctor.  My son was born that night.  You probably know what the weeks to follow were like.  I was brought to Selah, and then to Audrey’s song, through a series of “coincidences,” of course.  ”I Will Carry You” has enabled me to cry CLEANSING tears, reminding me that my Jude is with my Jesus, and what better place to be.  Now, given the choice, the earthly Mama would give anything to have him here with me, but since that’s not how the story was written…  just knowing I will hold him in Heaven  is all that gets me through.  Thank you again.  

  • Tiffany

    Wow.. That is about all I can say. It has been 2 weeks ago today that we laid to rest our beautiful baby girl. Johanna Ruth (Our God is a Gracious Companion) was our first child born on April 2, 2012 at 24 weeks gestation. She was stillbirth. My husband and I at 23 years of age are so at a loss for words and I find myself struggling with how I am supposed to feel.
     We found out at 16 weeks that our baby suffered from multiple Cystic Hygroma’s we were given a 50% chance she would die in the womb and a 50% chance she would be born (prematurely) and would be a “reasonable survivor” probably not making it from the NICU. We have been left speechless through all of this. I have never doubted God’s grace, or his mercy. Knowing that His grace no matter what was sufficient. Even still knowing all of God’s truth and mercy I have had unimaginable heart break.
    I had never heard Audrey’s story or the beautiful song in her memory until last night I was listening to a Selah song online and just seen the name “I will carry you,” clicked on it not knowing what it was and sit here amazed and crying. I truly believe that God led me to that place last night. He lead me to your story, to Audrey’s story!
    I thank you for sharing, words can’t express my sympathy for your family. I pray for you and your family. I am so thankful to know a Saviour who makes all things new!

    God Bless,
    Tiffany

    • Laura_viere

      Tiffany,
      Of all the stories I have read here this far, yours is the one I was waiting to find. Three weeks ago, I went in to the dr at 16 weeks. I had concerns that something wasnt right. I stopped feeling any growth or development and when I had some spotting I made an appointment with my dr that day. She was unable to get the heartbeat on the Doppler and immediately did an ultrasound to confirm that our baby was gone. Right away she diagnosed our baby with a cystic hygroma and being a nurse and seeing the ultrasound I knew that it was fairly large. We are waiting to get the results of chromosomal testing that should be back in a week or so. I’ve done lots of research on CHs and my Drs both believe our baby had Turners syndrome. The high risk dr I saw said that this is actually not that uncommon. But he also said that healthy babies in the future are totally possible. I hope this gives you hope in your heartbreak as it did for me. It was our first baby too.
      I have felt my relationship with God grow in ways i never imagined through this and I count myself blessed that I got to be her mommy though she didn’t get to stay. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you and your husband. Also if you have never read the book “Heaven is for Real” you should. I read it just after my miscarriage and it brought me so much comfort. I hope it will for you too.

  • Kelli Fulkerson

    I saw your story after a friend of mine told me about the song “I will carry you.”  I am so sorry for what you and many other women have had to go through.  I and my husband have lost five babies.  The longest we carried was twelve and a half weeks.  We do have a beautiful six year old daughter, and she is truely our miracle girl.  We lost three before Emily Faith, and have lost two since.  We just completed on round of infertility treatment that resulted in a negative.  I am 34 years old and the Dr’s tell me that my eggs are no good, but I know that what the world means for bad, God can turn to good!  We had to do three rounds of infertility to get Emily, although it was different treatment that what we just finished.  I had a horrible reaction to one of the injections toward the end and couldn’t even move my arms away from my body, I could barely move at all.  My whole body hurt so terribly bad.  We are going to shoot for a July cycle and pray hard that God will see fit for that to take and for us to add another bundle of joy, another miracle to our lives.  I battle daily with my losses, I believe it is because I truly had no closure.  I am currently seeking grief counseling to try to help me with my issues and to accept what has happened in life.  I use to be very close to God, but the more I harbor these feelings and thoughts the farther away from him I get.  Sometimes I wonder if he is really there and if he is, why do I feel so alone!  I plan on buying your book as soon as I can find it here.  I want to thank you for sharing Audrey’s story and being a beacon of hope and light for the ones of us that feel so lost and alone! 

  • http://waitingwamplers.wordpress.com/ Carrie Wampler

    Thank you for your story- and for the beautiful song. My husband and I lost our first child due to a miscarriage just over a month ago. I am still so devastated and I cry everyday. Before we got pregnant, we struggled with a condition called vaginismus. It just seems that things will never be easy for us. I just want my baby back. Seeing your story brings me hope- that I will heal and hopefully go on to have children. 

  • kathleen

    I know that place too, as so many have already expressed. All that you have written, I too walked, but my journey took me to the cross where I met Jesus for the first time. I lost a daughter at 27 weeks, 30 years ago. Her life brought me life. I questioned where she had gone, and that was the first step to finding Truth. Prayers for you and your family. It is not easy, but He heals in His time. 

  • Breadoflifegurl

    I loved this song. Loved it before it happened. I have listened to it for 2 days now. Mourning not a baby but an 11 yr old boy who lives in China that God gave me a mothers love for. He filled up my heart one day for him and I will never forget it. I hoped and planned and prayed for months. It was taking too long. So I hopped on a plane with a dear friend and went to China to meet him. It was the best 4 days of my life. But in the end we prayed and God revealed that he can’t be adopted, his paperwork cant’ be processed. I found out while I was there in China. My heart broke in two. I have been grieving like I never knew possible for the last week. How do you go on? So much pain. I can hardly breathe at times. I know its foolish to ask why. I trust my Lord in all things. His ways are higher. I will go on. but he will always be my son in my heart. And I may never understand. But I trust. 

  • Melissa Sims

    I love how you chose to LIVE after finding out the news!!  We have four girls!  Our youngest are 17 month old twins and we thought we were expecting another girl.  A week ago Wednesday, they found no heartbeat and we began to wait for “her” to be born.  On Saturday, I went into labor.  Our Michael would be delivered after 11 hours.  His burial would follow on Monday and ever since I have been on a roller coaster of emotions.  Your story is touching and I pray that God continues to renew your strength as well as mine.

  • Cindy Adams

    What a beautiful story, Angie! I know God has a wonderful plan for your family:) Like you said “Bring the Rain”. Because he is also the only one who brings us “Peace and Joy”!  Cindy

  • Karen

    Angie:

    I came across your blog several years ago while you were going through your pregnacy with Audry Caroline.  I was out of a job and I was able to continue reading your daily blog.  My heart was so saddened by what you were going through.  Each day you would pour your heart into ther blog and I could feel your pain and I shared your tears.  I was with the blog when you gave birth, when you said good bye and during your healing process soon after.  You are so real with your writing.

    I enjoyed your pictures of the children.  I finally went back to work and was unable to keep in touch with Audry Caroline’s blog, but check in to see that your new baby was born.  I am so happy.  God is so good! 

    Today, I realized that the Audry Caroline blog has been updated to Angie Smith blog.  I do miss the old one with all the pictures and stories.

    I wish you continued success in you venture with Women Of Faith.  I have not been able to see you, but I did hear you on the James Robinson program when you were promoting you book.

    I still listen to Selah and I know God has big plans for you and your family.

    Your sister in Christ……Karen

  • snowrez

    I am deeply touched by your story, your words, your heart for God, in the midst of such pain. I have lost 3 babies…but God has given us one beautiful child and I thank God for him for entrusting him to us. God gives us pain and grief and sadness….all for His glory. My prayer is that others will realize that, even in the midst of going through whatever pain they’re going through. May the Lord continue to give you healing.

  • Jessnbraden

    Your story is very similar to mine I am a 24 year old ad my husband an unjust list our first baby at 25 weeks on march 1, 2012. She was just like aubrey had almost all the same thing that the doctor told you they told me… I just wanted you to know I was touched by your story and I bought your book today and it was amazing I just wanted to thank you for the book and song and I know Aubrey and Kinsley are beautiful Angels in heaven

    God bless, Jessica Cook

  • Mrs.White

    Hi my name is Amber my husband Zach and I experienced the loss of our first born son Graysen to something similar he didn’t have kidneys or a bladder and his lungs would never develop his heart stopped beating the night before I gave birth to him I couldn’t stand the thought of carrying him to term because I knew I couldn’t have him and he was moving it hurt so badly to feel him move and to know I would never be able to hold him. I grew up babysitting many young children and working in mothers day out programs so you can imagine my love for children and my excitement when I found that I was pregnant and my husband couldn’t wait to have the baby to hold and love as well. We were devastated when we went in to our first ultra sound at 22 weeks only to find out that our baby was missing vital organs and that his heart was slowly giving out. I was crushed I didn’t know what to do or say my husband held me as I cried uncontrollably he was do silent like he wasn’t sure this was happening we came home and it was like it was a daze we just sat next to each other and held hands. I prayed that the doctors were mistaken and that the specialist we were to see would confirm that but the pain and reality set in. We went to the specialist and recieved the horrid news we cried and cried It has been two weeks now since I held my son and kissed him I miss him more than I can express and I am having a very hard time coping I feel like I failed as a mother and a wife.

  • Kimberlee haslem

    Your story truly touches me My name is Kimberlee and I have a beautiful 2 year old who I love more than anything and we almost lost her during the birth but by God’s hands and the wonderful man who is my OB saved her life! we found out march 20th that we were having twins and on May 7th that their cords had wrapped around each other and they were gone. I was going in to see what they were and the doctor didn’t let me see the screen is when i could tell something was wrong and than my OB come in and he told me and he held me and my husband as we cried. This is by far the hardest thing i have been thru.

  • EverHopeful

    Such a heart-wrenching story!!  Audrey’s song is so comforting to me and yet it deeply saddens me beyond verbal expression.  I found the song on youtube after I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time in January.  My husband and I were married in October 2010 and we had three miscarriages in the first year….two at 5 weeks and the last one at 18 weeks.  I delivered our little girl, Alyse Margeurite, after being induced 5 days after we found out her heart had stopped beating.  I ended up hemorrhaging and losing over 3L of blood….likely due to part of the placenta remaining in my uterus.  I had a d&c to remove the remaining placenta and a month later, I was shocked to find out we were pregnant for the fourth time.  I was SO worried, yet SO hopeful, to be pregnant again.  I had some light spotting for a few weeks in January and February, but the baby pulled through.  At 12 weeks, I found out that I have hypothyroidism, which is very likely the cause of my previous losses. The pathology results from our little girl showed that her DNA was normal and they were unable to determine cause of fetal demise.  So, I was thankful to find out the cause of m/c….hopefully in time to have a healthy baby this time around.  I started taking Synthroid immediately and now I am 21 weeks along with our little boy.  The 20 week ultrasound and all of my bloodwork has come back normal, but I still can’t help thinking the worst might be yet to come.  All I can do is hope and pray for the best.

  • http://www.reason2believehim.com/ Vicky Ann Hunt

    Love and life are often so inexplicably intertwined with loss and death. I can not begin to imagine how this has hurt. But, I can see the love and life that resulted from the loss of your dear child. May God bless you Angie as you live and share the blessing that is Audrey’s life. It is amazing how she is yet with us here on earth too, through your words.

  • Amy Barr

    Angie…my mantra song is “I will praise you in this storm”…in my despair and inability to reason rationally this is what comes to heart and mind.  I have never been good w/Artists per say, in remembering who sings what, and would always say I cannot recall who sings it right now…I think it’s Mercy Me…and my oldest son always reminds me that it is Casting Crowns…;)   Kindest regards thru Christ, Amy Barr

  • Arielmd91

    Thank you for wrighting this I was beginjng to feel crazy I alone on my sons death

  • Sue Bundy

    Thank you, our 4th child, Abby was born anencephalic and lived only 28 hours, we found out when I was 7 months pregnant that she would die either while in untero or shortly after she was born. Abby birthday last month she would be 24. You never forget! The love you feel for your little one is forever!

    • DeborahW

      Thanks Pat Petty.. ;)

  • Poppymore5

    I feel the pain you are feeling. i also lost my baby, but all the lost babies are all in gods arms now, safe, just waiting for us to join them.. in heaven.

  • yesenia ballesteros

    Angie,
    First I want to let you know how brave and strong I think you and your family is. I myself lost my baby much too early as well. My husband and I had tried for so long and when we finally heard we were given the most amazing blessing our hearts were over joyed. When i went to the ER and they told me that my baby no longer had a heart beat and i would go into labor within a couple of days I was crushed. I also knew that my Heavenly Father had a plan for me, even if I didn’t understand it nor like it. I get great comfort knowing that my little angel is with the Lord. I know your experience happened some time ago, but I just heard of it after falling in love with the song “I will carry you”, but I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for reminding me to always remember that my God is always the same. Sometimes I get lost in my pain and I need to remember to trust the Lord. I am sorry for the loss of your family and especially for your loss. You are in my prayers and thank you again.

  • Katlyn

    Angie, I lost two daughters both at 20 weeks due to IC. Our first daughter was born August 2, 2011. Her name was Jordyn. My second daughter Audrey was born April 2,2012. After losing Audrey, I found this song. I couldn’t believe that this song was for Audrey. I had a connection with this immediately. This song has given me such peace and hope that one day I will be able to bring a child home with us. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Elizabeth Traub

    I would love to talk with you about a project I am working on. I held the hand of my close friend for 48 hours in a hospital as she delivered her full term still born little girl. I heard your story in Portland, OR and have since watched and read your story. Please email me at girlfriendshub@gmail.com

  • April, North Carolina

    Angie,
    I heard your song “i will carry you”. I recently had a miscarriage at the end of June. I know its not the same story, but it was the darkest most scariest time of my life. One of my friends told me to listen to the song, and i know its a different perspective, but it has blessed me so much and made me realize even though its was a painful time God used me to carry an angel and that even though i didnt get to see himher that shehe was born straight to Jesus hands.I dont understand it and i know im not the first to experience the pain, but this song along with Hannah’s story in the bible, gave me peace and hope that it will all be ok. I just want to say thank you for encouraging me

  • Cassy

    My daughter just miscarried at 13 weeks… we had heard you speak in Denver just 2 short weeks before. I live in Missouri and the conference was her gift to me for my birthday. I rejoice in knowing God’s timing is perfect as is His peace. Thank you for your words. I pray that they will come to her mind throughout her healing.

  • Kelsey

    Angie My name is Kelsey i gave birth to my second child a boy his name was Jaman Alan Lee named after our pastor who was shot and killed earlier this year my son was born on the 5th of september 2012 he was 9 weeks early and stayed in the nicu at st marys of evansville in. He lived to be 2 weeks old before his stomach swelled up and his intestines burst. I was shocked and angry nothing was done to help him but then i realized that everything had been done and that god wanted him back in heaven he was a borrowed angel i watched your video on youtube about your little girl i was holding a blanket made for my son it suddenly got a heavy weight in it and i felt something grab my finger and i realized that my son was trying to let me know that he was here and he was watching over me i miss him every day and want so bad to hold him i belive the onlything that keeps me going is his older sister Bella she is 1 year and 1 week older than him she is my strength and my rock i dont know what i would do without her. I know that Jaman and Audrey are in heaven watching us and knowing that they are in a better place i am having a hard time today its my birthday and im 20 realizing that my son should be due within the next week and its hurting me so bad but if i have made it this far i know i can make it even farther watching your story really hit home for me and i wanted to let you know that because of you i have accepted councling for my mental state and i am begining a better walk with god thanks so much.
    Kelsey

  • Juliana

    I read this with complete thankfulness to God that he gave me so many of your initial experiences, as I too was given a pregnancy filled with pain, doubt, and anguish of the funeral that was to come. Yet my sweet baby girls are now 11-years-old and have God’s purposes to fulfill on this earth. “Twin B” was given a “poor prognosis” with little chance of survival at 20 weeks. Twin A looked good, but they could give no assurance that either child would make it as the death of Twin B would prescribe early delivery. I prayed, pleaded, went to healing services, and soon accepted whatever was God’s will. At 24 weeks, contractions began and after hospitalization, stopped, then started again, but did not cause labor. Miraculously at 33-weeks, this baby whom doctors said should die due to “Dandy Walker syndrome”, oddly shaped ventricles in the brain, too small a stomach, extreme IUGR, etc, was crying and breathing at 2 pounds! Her “big” 3 lb.,11 oz sister was sleeping and needed some prodding to start her breathing. I tell my story here to give hope to others that God truly does have a plan. He chooses to take so many early, yet others have more time here on earth. Doctors don’t always have all the answers and are at times FLAT OUT WRONG, so you must keep the hope and let God make those decisions. An abortion based on early predictions and prognoses, should never be the answer.

  • Elizabeth

    Angie,
    I have never confided to anyone this but I feel I can.
    Two years ago, when I was 12 years old, I was raped by a 16-year-old boy. 13 weeks after, I miscarried a baby I never knew I had. It was such a bad time to miscarry; it was during a lunch break, in the school toilets. I managed to pick up the tiny form, only 1 inch long but so perfectly created, and hold its hand. I tried to forget all about it.
    I never did manage to though, and I am glad, as now I am able to face it and help myself through this. He — and I always have a feeling it would’ve been a boy — would have turned 2 recently. I have collected things I feel connect me to him, including Bible passages. I never really thought I would turn so strongly to a God I wasn’t even sure existed but now I have found myself doing just that.
    I also sing and play the piano, and I’ve written a few songs of my own for him, which I hope to record and compile into a CD in memory of him, who I have named George.
    I recently discovered ‘I Will Carry You’ and I think it is so beautiful. Would I be able to do a cover version of it for my CD?
    Cheers,
    Elizabeth

  • katie

    hi my name is katie. 3 years ago i was 17 and miscarried my first child zoe. it was hard on me. i was a new wife and about to be a mother. she died on decemeber 24, 2010. it makes it harder because she died christmas eve at 9 pm. i am 19 years old now and still very scared. since me and husband lost our daughter it has brought us closer than ever. but he doesnt want to mention her at all. it pains me cause i am still in denial and lost and scared and alone. how hard was it to see ur child and watch them die? u r in my prayers audrey and her parents. everyone isnt alone

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Evie-N-Jason-Lyon/1309492944 Evie N Jason Lyon

    Angie, thank you so much for sharing Audrey’s story. I am just 6 weeks past the birth of my 7th child. It was a perfect pregnancy. No issues. Went into labor, and gave ended up having a very intense emergency csection, because at the last minute his breathing stopped. After 4 days in the NICU, we said goodbye to our precious son. Walking out of that hospital without our son was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The grief is still so raw, but a dear friend just have me your book “I Will Carry You.” She told me it was for “later”, but it is what I need right now. Even in Benjamin’s 4 days of life, we have heard so many stories of lives he touched or changed! What a miracle! Anyway, thank you! Evie

  • Steph

    Thanks for sharing your story with me. I lost a baby girl named Faith at the end of January. She was 12 days old when she died. She was such a beautiful baby girl. I miss her so much. But I know God does not make mistakes and everything happens for a reason. Someday I will get to see Faith again! I will continue to have faith and God!

    • Steph

      *in

  • ReneeParris

    Angie, I never cease to be amazed at how God orchestrates our lives. Providentially I found your blog tonight and am overwhelmed with emotion. I have four children in Heaven and two on earth, one of which is severely impaired. God has done amazing works through our sweet Emma Grace and through the 4 sweet ones that He took to Heaven but especially through our son, Jonathan, who died during delivery. I too plan to write a book about his life, but like you, have struggled for the when, and what it will look like. Your story about how Audrey’s book has unfolded gives me a nudge to step out and see what God already has planned. Blessings to you…I can’t wait to purchase and share the book.

  • Jennifer Wingate

    Hi Angie,

    Your story of your precious saint baby, Audrey, is so beautiful!

    I, too, have 3 saint babies…one born with a rare syndrome…was on life-support for 8 days after being born full-term and died in my arms (8 years ago), and 2 other babies that died early in the pregnancy.

    I’ve followed your blog from almost the beginning…so lovely.

    I’m pregnant right now with my 7th baby and just have “that feeling…” that our little one isn’t just “right.” Maybe it’s b/c i’ve lost babies before and am always a bit concerned…until they are born…and even then.

    I go for my 20 week ultrasound next week and am a bit nervous, although, trusting in His will for our family….He knows best.

    I may have missed when your little saint was delivered, but did you carry her full term or was she born early?

    In Jesus and Mary,

    Jennifer +

  • http://www.facebook.com/laura.whitman2 Laura Ruth Louder

    August 8TH 2012 I welcomed my own angel. My Cailtyn Joann was stillborn. The song i will carry you has helped me in alot of ways. Thank you so much for telling your story.

  • DeborahW

    I could leave you all sorts of messages about my past and why this touched me so.. but its about today. The reason this story is SOOOO compelling though I have heard it before on Christian radio, is because my daughter Rachel who is 32 years old is not where she needs to be w the Lord and its hurting her and its hurting her family , her husband and her 8 yr old son and I don’t know how to save her and get her back to where she needs to be.. BUT God does because lives and daughters matter to Him MORE than anything. Audrey was special because she was a child of the living God and its heart wrenching and important because LIFE and lives ARE IMPORTANT!! God has got my Rachel, HE will not let her slip away He and only He can save her and get her back on track. I know He’s got her, I know He cares even more than I do!! <3

    • Pat Petty Caffee

      DeborahW, read, and believe Jer. 31:15-17, and HANG ON IT IT

      • DeborahW

        Thanks, Pat Petty ;) If we all only understood how much the Father loves us!

  • Abbey

    A friend of mine guided me to a LifeWay devotional that she had listened to, “Live In the Deep”. Almost a year ago now, I went in for a check up at 18 weeks. The baby had been growing on schedule, heartbeat regular, but the fluid around the baby was low. They took some precautions and I was due to come back in the following week. The next appointment was an ultrasound to check fluid and sex of the baby. I went to the back, because the nurse had forgotten the ultrasound, and they measured and checked for a heartbeat. This particular nurse was new and always had problems finding the heartbeat. Finally, they get us into the ultrasound; the technician is looking around and then listens for the heartbeat… and there is silence. I caught on, but my husband wasn’t quite tuned in yet into what had occurred. She looks around for just another minute and then says she needs to go get the doctor. My husband looks at me with question and concern. I told him they didn’t find a heartbeat. He encourages me that everything is fine. Then, the doctor comes in, views the ultrasound and with the greatest sympathy gives me her condolences. They give us a minute to process the news alone; I of course break down. My husband consoling me, as he is quite and calm. I wept all the way home, at home, and for weeks and months to come. As my husband dropped me home, he left to deliver the news to our two boys and his family. They were expecting to find out whether it was a boy or girl (we still didn’t know at this point). As he walks in his mother’s front door, everyone is gathered together and notice him come in. The look of excitement on their face hit him; without notice, he breaks down and reveals the news. I wasn’t there but I could feel and see it as he told me the story. Our two sons cried, and to my surprise, my husband told me our youngest (six years old) cried for over an hour. A little while later he returned home. We were preparing to go to the hospital later that evening because the doctor said I would have to deliver. We waited for time to go, and proceeded to go to church before going to the hospital. We wanted prayer before we went in. I’m such a private person and my husband’s family loves being together and there for one another, something I am just not use to. They all wanted to come that evening to the hospital just to be around us. I was hesitant, but allowed them to come. It was a joyous few hours filled with laughter and family. As time drew near, everyone left and they proceeded to induce me. It wouldn’t be until that next morning that my baby should arrive. I remember having to go to the bathroom, and unknowingly ready to deliver. I had my baby boy in the bathroom, clasped in my hands, calling to my husband to get then nurse because I didn’t want to frighten him. I was seen to the bed and finished up with delivery. They asked if we wished to see him. They had him wrapped in a blanket put away in this tiny basket. It was a boy. A most unusual thing to see, but as a mother looking at a child, he was perfect. He was almost 20 weeks, no real skin formed, but you could see his eyes, ears, all of his facial features, body, arms, legs, hands, feet, tiny fingers and toes and even the nails. I still have pictures of my angel. I never questioned or angered against God. I thank God that I was firm in my faith with Him and trusted him enough. Although I might not have understood, I always loved Him through this process. There were many weeks I felt numb and would cry at a whim, would tear up seeing a precious baby or a woman with life inside. Many times I would get in the shower just to let it out. Through it all my God is good and I am grateful for the experiences He has blessed me with. Your devotional and your story truly blessed me, and I just want to thank you for letting GOD use you to tell your story! May you and yours continue to be blessed!

  • Guest

    I am currrently reading “I will carry you”, on 7 October 2012 I found out I was carrying my little miracle (2 rounds of IVF to conceive), on 5 November I had 8 week scan, all well, on 27 November I had 11 week scan, all well, on 28 January 2013 I had 20 week and was told my precious baby had a condition known as Potters Syndrome, her little kidneys hadnt developed and she had no fluid around her, the lack of fluid meant her lungs couldnt develop. it was then I grieved my “Healthy Baby”, at this stage I did not know she was a “she”. As I read each page of your book I can relate to so many of the same feelings and emotions as you had. I am a born again believer in our Lord and Saviour. I carried my little daughter until 38 weeks pregnant and on 4 June 2013, Isla was born into this world still. Each day is a struggle without her, things are so raw. I just wanted to post & say what a wonderful comfort & blessing “I will carry you” is although I am so sorry you ever had the experience to write same. I often reflect now and think what a blessing I had to carry Isla, & how God used little Isla to speak from the womb to those around me, and for all the pain and heartache I would do it all again as it meant I got to hold my precious daughter in my arms and look upon her beautiful face.
    xx

  • Stephanie

    12 hours after finding out our third baby had anencephaly, I was able to get out of my shocked mode and into researching, to see where our next steps were going. And a friend sent me the link to your book and the song. The part that grabbed a hold of me was “letting God the room for a miracle”. Not that the opposite would happen, but at that point I knew I was carrying to term. I think I needed the words to be able to tell other people “why?”. Now I’ve started The Kendall Keepsake Foundation @TheKKFound to continue to help other moms.

  • bre

    I know its about 4-5 years later but about 2 months ago we found out my sister who was engaged was pregnant we were kind of upset cause she wasn’t married yet and all the plans we had made for this big beautiful Christmas wedding was put top a stop and we had to put together a ceremony in about two weeks! Any way after being a bit upset of the announcement of my sister being pregnant we got happy thrilled! My nephew was gonna have a friend in a few months a week later she went for her first appointment and there was no fluid and my sister was told that they hoped she didn’t miscarry she was abut 6 weeks according to this doctor. That same night she started bleeding a little and we just put it off thinking its just a little itll stop by morning! The next day was gonna be exciting my sister and her fiancé had found the cutest bassinet for the baby they were going to be bringing home in April on the way to buy it my sister started to get horrible cramps came back home and things just were not looking good! her fiancé took her to the hospital and they didn’t see any signs of a miscarriage she was 7 weeks 2 days according to the hospital then a radiologist took a look at the ultrasound and couldn’t find a heartbeat we were upset and confused if they could still see the baby and there were no signs why wasn’t there a heartbeat? I then turned on my phone and heard I Will Carry You and I just thought so many things I wanted to do with my niece or nephew that I wouldn’t be able to do I prayed and prayed that a heart beat would come! Later that night cramps got worse back to the hospital she went this time it was real there was no more baby this sweet precious thing was gone here on day gone the next! I may not have been the mother carrying the baby but still this was gonna be my family I still morn over it when im alone because I never thought it would be a close family member who miscarried! After reading this and hearing that song it helps the sorrow go away knowing other families experience this!
    GOD BLESS!

  • Laura

    I was just on youtube and i came across your video and the song you wrote for your daughter it just made me cry last month sepetember 7th i was 22weeks and 6 days pregnant with my daughter and my son i was pregnent with twins they only lived for about a hour… The doctors told me that there was somthing wrong and they were not viable for coming out this early the only thing i could think about was why was god punishing me he finally gave me what i wanted my first and well second child all at once and now he was taking them away …. but then i realized he had a greater plan for them and when they were born they looked like little angels and i named them my daughters name is Tiffany Michelle and my sons name is Andrew Michael i know there up there with god and hes watching over them i just hope they know that me and there father loves and misses them so much .. god bless them and god bless you….

  • Laura

    I was just on youtube and i came across your video and the song you wrote for your daughter it just made me cry last month sepetember 7th i was 22weeks and 6 days pregnant with my daughter and my son i was pregnent with twins they only lived for about a hour… The doctors told me that there was somthing wrong and they were not viable for coming out this early the only thing i could think about was why was god punishing me he finally gave me what i wanted my first and well second child all at once and now he was taking them away …. but then i realized he had a greater plan for them and when they were born they looked like little angels and i named them my daughters name is Tiffany Michelle and my sons name is Andrew Michael i know there up there with god and hes watching over them i just hope they know that me and there father loves and misses them so much .. god bless them and god bless you….

  • Haley

    Angie… Thank you for your healing book, I will Carry You. I lost a baby in January and it has just been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and grieving. (As you know) We are also trying to grow our family again and that has been a struggle on top of our loss. This book, is just what my soul needed right now. Your book was recommended to me awhile ago, but I haven’t read it until this week. I saw you at Women of Faith in WI, and I knew it was time to read it! I have been thanking God for you (and your family… all of them!) and what a blessing your book is to me. Thank you and God Bless your family!

  • Joan Horton

    Heard your moving story from Beth Moore’s video during Bible Study of James yesterday. Very touching. Thanks for sharing and for the blog.

  • Jamie Chad Moon

    I have never lost a child, but my heart longs for a baby more than my brain would like to admit. I have a very sweet friend who miscarried a sweet little boy earlier this year. I am getting I Will Carry you for her. Thank you for sharing your hurt with us.

  • Precilar

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  • Florentina-Ro-uk

    You are an inspirational woman of God, a chosen example of mum!

    I am a mum of 3 children, 2 on this earth and one little girl in heaven. She was called Ruby, I had to give birth to her as a stillborn baby natural after had 2 previous cesarean. I never thought I could do it after finding out her heart was not beating. I was so lost but I knew in that moment it was God s decision, that she would be better in heaven than here on earth.

    Amazingly I have named her Ruby Anna after one of my best friend in the Smith family, I don’t know if you would recognise them, Martin and Anna Smith, Martin was a leader of worship and in the band of Delirious, from uk. He is now doing Gods great dance floor. Amazing people.

    We had our daughter on 23rd of July 2013 and since we were in hospital we were searching for songs for the funeral, there were many but one of my favourite is ” I will carry you!” beautiful song. My daughter loves this song she remembers it from her sisters funeral.

    I kept looking online to find out where is this song coming and where it had began and I have found you and your husband Todd talking about Audrey, I had tears in my eyes and cried so much when I heard about her, Heaven is for little children, such innocence. Beautiful!

  • Michelle Collier

    Wow. So powerful. Such an amazing story of a Christ filled woman, and a role model. I don’t have any strong Christ filled women in my family. The only people in my life are those who attend church with me so thank you Angie for sharing your story and showing me what a God centered life looks like.

  • Tina walker

    Angie, I am so amazed on how you have turned everything over to god and is filled with his love. I to have lost lost a child by a miscarriage of 14 weeks back in 2004. I was at a place of not looking or caring for God anymore. I was feeling all alone and even pushed my family away. I wanted to be with my baby. For years I would just go on living my life of trying to remove the hurt I was feeling inside. That after the loss of my husband 4 years ago it brought the feelings back up and no truly grieving the lost because I’m still mad.. But I understand why.. I’m just hoping that I too came come to the place you are in your faith. I love the our God but have a hard time trusting him.

  • Kelly KirkCox

    Angie, Thanks for sharing your amazing story! My name is Kelly and mine is alot like yours. November 9th, 2013 I delivered my daughter Avery at 20 weeks, She was alive for 2 hours before she passed, It was very sudden and unexpected! My heart is so broken This week has been especially hard because my due date is this week. Thank you for your beautiful song! I love it!

  • Samantha’s Mommy

    Angie,

    I just want to say thank you. I learned about Audrey’s Song through your blog. I lost my baby girl at 16 weeks. It’s been more than a month since we lost her and there are times when I feel like she never happened. All of the memories feel so old now. But every time I miss her and want to remember her, I listen to I Will Carry You and I feel so close to her all over again. It is such a beautiful song that I will always keep inside my heart.

  • nancy Alfred

    Good Day,,, Mr name is Mrs Nancy, Am from Florida, I had a serious quarrel with my husband due to my parent, my parent never like him to be my husband, but i love him so much that i will rather die to let him go off me, that was how i met this great man of voodoo online, he told me that everything will be fine that he can do a spell that will make my parent love him and allow me to marry him without any quarrel thoroughly it came to pass my mum and dad love him most than before we are now happy married family,please help me in thanking him for his help, here is the email esangopriest@gmail.com

  • Karen Kuntz

    thinking of you today. Just wanted to let you know.

  • Raquel @ Chicaflair

    Thank you for sharing your story. There’s power when we do that!

  • Jaysmomma

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I started reading “I Will Carry You” a few months ago. It was recommended to me on the day we found out….February 3rd was the day our world changed. It seems like in an instant. Riley, our precious angel and second child, was diagnosed with Potter’s Syndrome. We were told our baby has no kidneys, bladder, or stomach, has fluid around her heart and there is noticable thickening of the walls of her heart, and she won’t survive long after birth.

    As I made it to the part in the book last night about picking Audrey’s birthday…I was floored. We just finalized an induction date yesterday with our doctor. Over and over as we have discussed this plan, talked about the date, and now finalized it, I have felt that deep down despair that a mother should never have to know…the guilt of having to choose a day to end it all.

    I haven’t made it any further in the book, I don’t think I am ready to know how the story ends…but I love your description of Mary and Martha, how you can envision them and paint with your words the scene that you see. Thank you for writing about how you draw on God’s strength and sharing your insight into His promises. Your story is an inspiration, but even more, your faith and ability to write clearly about God’s love helps me get through. When I get down and I just want to scream at Him to “fix it”, I am reminded of your words about prayer, and in those moments I find it easier to humble myself and just tell Him about the hurt. It brings a peace to the storm that I cannot even begin to describe.

    Thank you for sharing your story so that others like myself may find the strength to go on!

  • stephanie h.
  • K.P.

    When does the the ache in my heart, the need to hold her one more time, when does it get easier? January 2013 I was 21 weeks pregnant with our daughter Riley, my other children at the time were 3 and 5 and so excited to be getting a baby sister. At 10 weeks i had some spotting and found out we had a subchorionic bleed they suggested terminating because of all the risks, we chose not too. We went in for weekly checkups and the clot was getting smaller she was growing great moving all the time. We prayed constantly and I truly thought every thing would be fine. We got her room ready, washed her clothes, her sister was so excited to have a real baby in the house. At 21 weeks I went in for our weekly ultrasound thinking just 7 more to go and we’ll be in the clear out of the danger zone. The tech started and I watched the screen and immediately new something was wrong. They informed me my water had broken and there was no amniotic fluid! None! She was moving, I could feel her moving and her heart was beating. They wanted to induce that day. We went home cried, prayed, screamed, yelled, begged and pleaded. Over the next two weeks we prayed for a miracle called multiple doctors, had many ultrasounds with no change. The reality of no amniotic fluid to cushion her to make her comfortable tortured me, every move she made I wondered if she was in pain as her mother there was nothing I could do but pray. Having to decide the day of your baby’s birth and death is something no mother should ever have to do. She was born January 30,2013 when they placed her on my chest, on my heart she was warm and beautiful and still I cried out for a miracle. Her exact time of death I do not know, I didn’t want to know. Its been a year and a half and I think about her every day. I still cannot place my hand over my heart with our crying. A friend gave me your book after she was born and it was my life line. Your words and the scripture brought me out of the anger and the why’s. But here I am a year and half later and I struggle, when I let myself think of her and miss her the pain of her loss is just as strong. I know I will see her in heaven someday. I just wish I knew how to let go of missing her and wanting her here with our family. Her sister is now 4 and she still prays for Riley that she is having a good time up in heaven with God and his angels and that God has lots of cows so Riley can have milk since mommy isn’t up in heaven. Every time I see a baby I think of her, will it be that way forever? How can I find the joy in my loss? I don’t want to be bitter or angry but my arms are empty. I have two beautiful children and a wonderful husband whom I love with all my heart and it feels like a betrayal to them to say that, is it?

  • Ero Lovespell

    Hi My name is ‘Bruno Rico’ just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce… I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn’t want to loose her but everything just didn’t work out… she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… You can email him via akhidenorlovespell@gmail.com Don’t give up just yet, the different between ‘Ordinary’ & ‘Extra-Ordinary’ is the ‘Extra’ so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it

  • Brandi Brown-Hibbert

    I have to very healthy girls 17 and 19. I had normal pregnancies with both. I came upon your site and story by way of another website. i just wanted to let you know I love your story and that you have had the courage to tell it!

  • Katie Lynn

    How can I read the WHOLE blog/story ?

    • Ioana

      You can browse the archives (at the bottom of this page) or you can read the book “I will carry you”.