Audrey, devotional, Family, pregnancy


Well, I had an ultrasound today. Patti spent another few hours of her life with our sweet Audrey…we are so grateful for her gift and for her heart.  She makes the unbearable seem very normal, like catching up with an old friend.  No matter what she says, I can sense how desperately she wants to tell us that it is all okay, that the baby is healthy, that this was a dream and she is the alarm clock we have been waiting for.  We all know that she may never be able to say those words to us, and we accept graciously what she can offer.  Again, if you are reading this, Patti, thank you.  Thank you. 
We didn’t get too much more information today…Audrey was bundled up in a little knot with her arms covering her face. We couldn’t see her kidneys because of the way she was positioned, but we watched her heart move for the better part of the appointment.  To me, it looks like a little clover that opens and closes.  It still takes up most of her chest and possibly has a leak as well as a hole.  Patti will be traveling to Murfreesboro tomorrow and will share the images with one of the doctors in the practice to see if they can come up with any more information that would give us a glimpse into her world.  Please pray for wisdom tomorrow as they do this…
While we were at Disneyworld, I was struck by the fact that for a lot of the trip, I just felt sad.  I have debated about whether or not to even share this story because we really had a great time, with more memories made than I could ever fit into this blog.  My children laughed and rode and ate and stared.  They marveled at the castle the way I did when I was a little girl.  To our surprise, they rode a roller coaster (hands up) nine times in a row.  They could not get enough of “It’s A Small World,” but quickly decided that the real life princesses were a combination of creepy and “not really the real princesses.”  They danced in every wide open space they came across and devoured enough sugar to keep a small country running.  In short, they were as happy as I have ever seen them.  I am forever grateful for the moments we got with our girls, but there is a deeper story, and I want you to be a part of it.
On the first full day we were there, the girls rode the teacups.  My father in law and I decided to watch instead of riding, and I had the best time seeing everyone loop around the line as they waited for their turn.  I was immediately struck by the pattern that emerged.  Just as I sat down, I saw a couple arguing over whether or not to ride.  They decided to go for it, but not before she had leveled him verbally and their little boy was staring off into space.  Shortly after, I saw a delicate little flower of a girl stomp on the ground because she wanted the lavender teacup, “NOT the pink!!! AAAHHHH!!!!!”  Her mother patted her hair (gently, around the 7 foot bow), and promised they would ride again and again until they secured the coveted cup. Princess climbed in as another couple started up in the background.  They had special tags to ride at a certain time, and were irritated that they were going to have to wait another turn. Junior was no more pleased than momma, and was the type of child that I try to steer my children away from at the park.  He had a look of fierce anger than belied his little body…like a live wire in a preschooler, fueled by the attention that he could summon instantaneously.  It was obvious his parents were more worried about his response to the wait than the wait itself.  
My suspicions about this particular child were confirmed later in the day when I saw him do the unspeakable while his mother had her back turned.  Are you ready for this?
He spanked Peter Pan on the butt during the Magical Parade.  
Don’t worry, I gave him a look that could melt ice, and had the victim not been dressed as a magical flying boy-man, he would have jumped the rope too.
Anyway, as I watched all of these mini-dramas (and others) unfold, the most beautiful, unusual thing continued to happen.
As soon as the ride started, and the music filled the pavilion, people just forget why they were unhappy.  There was a 45 second time period every few minutes where they just got lost in the blur of joy.  Hands up, screaming laughter, cameras flashing. Even the spanker kid got in on the action.  
I love the teacups.
For the better part of the minute, all of the world is just right.  It doesn’t matter that you waited half an hour, or that you pretty much paid $50 for one go-round.  It is totally insignificant that your problems are on the other side of the music.  Everything is just a whirly-twirly, perfect place.
And then it happens.  EVERY time.  Go for yourself and watch, because if you let yourself, you will see and feel the moment where the cups slow down and the music surrenders, and there is a collective sigh that summarizes the moment.  Nobody wants it to end, they just want to keep spinning and spinning except that you can’t.  It has to end.  You have to get back to life, to hurt, to silence.  To whatever it was that made you run there in the first place.  
In a sense, that was my experience of the whole park.  I wanted to get away, to escape and go somewhere magical, to get caught up in the idea that everything was just right.  
I realized about 5 minutes into the fireworks that I had gotten on a plane to travel to a place where Audrey was healthy.
I cried that night after the lights went out in our room.  I talked to the Lord, begged Him to do something, to intervene, to make it right.  As He always does, He just sat with me and listened. I felt better (could have been a combination of a Sovereign God and a really high thread count) and eventually fell asleep.  When I woke up, I had a message from my (amazing) nurse practitioner Susannah.  She is Dr. Trabue’s daughter, and I count her as a friend who I have traveled with for almost 6 years.  She had just gotten the ultrasound report that I shared with you all a few weeks ago.  She explained that although the report noted many things that were encouraging, the overall picture had not changed.  Medically, Audrey cannot survive.  Susannah is an amazing woman of God, and I know that she prays for me.  She has traveled around the world to help people in need, and I am sure she has seen her fair share of miracles, so I don’t want to give the impression that it was her intention to leave me without hope.  She chose her words very carefully, and even in that moment I found myself grateful to a God who always knew that I would stand outside my hotel and cry with a woman who loved Him as much as I do.  
So, before you toss your Disney brochure or think of me as a fantasy-hating cynic, let me explain.  
The happiest place on earth is not on this earth.
This life was never meant to fill us, to satisfy our need for goodness.  It wasn’t designed to give us an answer, but rather to let the question penetrate our lives daily.  I believe that one way or another, God will answer our prayer to heal Audrey.  It may not be here, the way we wish it could be, but I have complete faith that she will be whole.  And it won’t be temporary.
If you only hear me say this one thing, all of these words will be worth it. For all of you who want to know the great secret to how we are breathing through this, it is pretty simple.
He is enough.
I am not a preacher.  I will not pretend to be.  What I am is a woman who realizes more and more every day that I want Jesus more than I want the teacups to keep spinning.  In this life, we are going to be disappointed.  We will hurt.  But there is great joy in the shadows if you know where to look.  
The truth about Disneyworld, and the entire Disney empire for that matter, is that it was borne of hurt.  Walt Disney was a man with a broken childhood who tried to create a place that mimicked the things he loved as a boy and created the things he always wished he could have had.  He worked his entire life to create a world that defied his pain.    
If you are hurting tonight, I pray that you allow the Great Physician to heal your brokenness as He is healing ours.  If you are enjoying the ride, hold on tight and try not to throw up your lollipop:) 
I am celebrating unspeakable joy tonight.  Joy that defies this world and welcomes the next with the eagerness of a child.  Thank you, Lord.  We are humbled by Your deep, unfailing, unending love.
And as always, thank you for your prayers and for taking the time to be with me here.
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  • Reply Leslie February 7, 2008 at 7:17 am

    beautiful illustration, and boy is that ever the truth. Thank you for that very real reminder.

  • Reply courtney walsh February 7, 2008 at 1:47 pm

    wow, Angie – what a great point. God is using you. Everyone who reads this will agree to that. You’re such a light.

    still praying for you…

  • Reply Mrs. Mark Arni February 7, 2008 at 2:40 pm

    Dear Angie,
    I feel very blessed to have the privilege of following your story through your blog. Rest assured, dear one, that the Lord is using you to minister to others. He will use Audrey Caroline to bring glory to Himself.
    Chris in Ohio

  • Reply wesandlin1990 February 7, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    There is a beautiful 91 year old spirit that goes to my church. Her name is Hazel and she is my compass. As you can imagine in 91 years she has some extremely rough times in her life. Not long ago, in the space of one year she lost her husband, her son & her ability to live by herself. But never once did she stop praising her Lord. With every breath she will tell you how good He is to her & how He walks her through every day holding her hand. I see that same light shining through you – His light as He holds your hand every step of the way. Thank you for sharing your story – you & your family are in my prayers. His peace be with you during this time.

  • Reply Melissa P. February 7, 2008 at 6:45 pm

    thank you. once again the lord used you to speak to me right in the place i needed it most.

    continuing to pray for you!

  • Reply Adrienne and Jim February 7, 2008 at 7:31 pm


    My heart aches with you as you continue to feel Audrey’s presence within you and the uncertainty that greets you each morning. I still have times when I just want to get away, when I just can’t help but be sad about the four babies I never met. I remind myself that one day I will hold these babies in my arms and that God will hold them for me until that time, just as he held Owen for 18 months before we were able to bring him home from Russia.

    I must tell you the picture of the girls sitting in front of the castle with the Minnie Mouse ears brought me to tears. Little Audrey’s hat sitting next to them spoke volumes. She is such a part of your life, your family, and she always will be. Your faith and your beautiful relationship with our Father inspires me each time I read what you have written.

    Isn’t it wonderful the way God places people in our lives to help us through? Your friend Susannah, Patti, Dr. Fortunato, and all of your friends and family and those who may not even know you well are cheering for you, are praying for you and for Audrey, that you may be given as much time with Audrey as possible and that you will have peace with God’s timing and His plan for Audrey.

    You are such a bright light even in the darkest of places. Thank you for ministering to us as you go through one of the most difficult times of your life.


  • Reply Anonymous February 7, 2008 at 7:48 pm

    My husband is a HUGE Disneyworld fan. He works all year to spend one or two days in a fantasy world far from everyday pain. I think I understand it a little better now.

    But I also know (and he does, too) that Heaven is going to be one long, non-stop spinny-ride! Can’t wait to get there!

  • Reply Pete February 7, 2008 at 9:34 pm

    Hey Angie. I just wanted to tell you how much we love you guys. I’m praying for and the baby you daily.

    Pete Wilson

  • Reply Just a simple gal February 8, 2008 at 12:22 am

    Your words are so true and penetrating. Praise goes to our God who is carrying and yours through! I love the teacups too! And you know what? I have a photo of me getting off – and I look so very sad as I head back into the real world. Great illustration… while we’ve never met, you’re in our prayers daily. ~ Judy in AL

  • Reply Jeanine February 8, 2008 at 4:14 am

    What a beautiful reminder, and I agree with you that Audrey WILL be whole. Her story, like so many others, makes me even more anxious for Jesus to return. What a glorious day that will be when all is made right! You have amazing insight and a gift for words. Thank you for allowing God to use you during such a painful time.

  • Reply Alice February 8, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    Hi, I just stumbled across this blog (from the Selah website). God used the ministry of Selah in my own life two years ago when my daughter was born prematurely, and I went through a very dark time. I would rock her for hours listening to/singing along with CDs. It really felt like the whole group became my dear friends (in a non-weird way, I promise!)

    I consider it such privilege now to pray for you and your family and Audrey Caroline during this time. God’s faithfulness endures forever, and His mercies are new every morning.

    I’ll be praying each day…

  • Reply Jakob's Mommy February 8, 2008 at 11:48 pm

    I don’t even have the words to express how I felt reading through all of your blog entries. One second I would be almost weeping, then suddenly burst into laughter. You have a great gift for writing and immediately made me “feel at home” even though I’ve never met you.

    I want to tell you that I admire your strength and your ability to keep trusting in God no matter what the doctors tell you. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage almost 5 years ago, and I’m ashamed to say that I immediately turned on God and blamed Him for not keeping my baby safe. I eventually (almost 2 years later) was brought to a place of repentance and healing, and a dear friend spoke over me that day that God was going to give me a son. I later felt led to testify about the entire experience and within a week of doing that I found out I was pregnant with my second child.

    There were a couple of scares with that pregnancy as well, but I held to the promise given to me and knew that God’s hand was on my child and would keep him safe. God even showed me that He was standing by His promise by allowing me to feel Jakob move for the very first time on the anniversary of the day I found out I was miscarrying his big brother or sister. God is so good! I now have a very precocious, active, and VOCAL 15-month old letting me know at this very minute that he is not happy at all with being ‘neglected’ while I type this.

    Now, just as then, I know that God’s hand is on little Audrey and He loves her infinitely more than anyone on Earth ever could. The fact that you’ve already had little “mini-miracles” (although there’s really nothing little OR mini about our awesome God) proves that He is working in her precious life.

    I knew I had to post a comment after reading all of this, so I was doing a Bible search for the scripture that tells us that all things are possible with God. I was confused and actually did a search for “nothing is impossible”. My “mistake” (I use that term loosely since I think it happened for a reason) led me to the “wrong” scripture, Luke 1:37, but it was the next verse (38) that I think speaks even more volumes about your situation than the one I was searching for.

    The angel had just finished telling Mary about all that was to come in her life and that her cousin Elizabeth, who just so happened to be barren, would bear a child also–she was already in her sixth month! Mary’s response almost bowled me over and I had to post it here. Here was this young girl being told of all these things that would come to pass that those in the medical field would say are impossible. And what did she say?

    “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.”

    WOW!! I immediately thought of how the doctors have told you and Todd that Audrey has little to no chance of survival past birth, if she even reaches that point. BUT–YOU are the Lord’s servant!!! May it be to you as HE has said!!!

    Trust in His voice and the quiet whisperings He has spoken into your heart these last few weeks. Man’s wisdom is limited to the natural world. We serve a God who is bound by no limits and can work a miracle in a hopeless situation. I’m believing that at Audrey’s birth, there will be a delivery room FULL of awestruck medical personnel who will realize that they have been blessed to have witnessed a miracle take place. To God be the Glory!!

  • Reply lora_r February 9, 2008 at 1:28 am

    Thanks again for sharing your journey with us. I agree with teh others here about getting “lost” in the joy of the moment before hitting the real world again.

    I long to be carefree like that – and I realize that someday when I’m with the Lord – I WILL be like that. Until then I have to get through the here and now. I just have to wait my time “in line” to get on that joyous ride.

    Again, I cannot express my thanks to you enough. God truly is speaking to me/us through your words. I praise Him for using you to reach all of us out here.

    Your blogs were meant to keep all of us posted on what is going on and we are here to support you. Whether you realize it or not, this has turned into a ministry and it is definitely a two-way street.

    You are a blessing (and so is your husband and his friends!) May the Lord bless all of you and keep Selah safe as they travel.

  • Reply Rbwalker February 9, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    you are an amazing woman…

    loved your poignant story, your humor, and your reflection back to jesus.

    miss seeing you…

  • Reply nursemariquita February 10, 2008 at 12:16 am

    It is saturday night and I am missing the Selah concert in MD that I had so much wanted to attend. I am in tears as I read your last post. You are a powerful writer and the Lord has given you his words to share with others.
    My daughter had brain surgery this week to help with with her headaches. She is 12 and has had 16 surgeries.. I hear the words to the Selah song.. be still my soul..
    Every day I have had with my daughter has been an incredibly blessing and I KNOW that one day she will be without pain and will be whole.
    Audrey will also be whole again however God decides to make this happen. I know the journey you walk and I pray everyday for your strength in this journey. Know that you are not alone and there are many of us who are walking alongside you.
    Mariquita in Virginia

  • Reply Isabel February 11, 2008 at 1:16 am

    I was searching Selah’s web-site to see if they would be singing in my area anytime soon, and saw the prayer request for you and your family. Was very touched by you and your amazing faith.Have added you and Audrey to my prayer list as well as my prayer group’s list. God WILL hold you both in the palm of his hand! Cling to his promises and one of my favorite verses, Romans 8:28. God bless and I do hope to see Selah in concert, can’t tell you how many times their songs have ministered to me on AFR—just when I needed a word from God! To God be the Glory! Isabel Woods in Mississippi

  • Reply emily February 11, 2008 at 5:11 am


    Your writings are absolutely beautiful! Thank you for sharing your story. Your family is in my prayers.


  • Reply Tiffany February 11, 2008 at 9:36 pm

    This is so beautiful. I am so encouraged and blessed as I read what the Lord is teaching you and how He continues to be enough for you even when it is difficult to realize that. I will continue to pray for you and for your family and Audrey’s healing…even if it means she is in heaven. And that is the safest and most beautiful place for our children.

    Thank you for sharing your heart, your faith and being so honest in your posts. I am constantly encouraged.

  • Reply SSEVU February 12, 2008 at 5:27 pm

    Angie and Todd…
    I heard from Pam Gibbs about your situation with your precious baby. I am heartbroken along with you but also hopeful that in her short life, she is making a big impact on this world. Please know that I am praying for you and would love to be a shoulder to lean on if you ever need it. I will be following along with you. God is good.
    Love you both!
    Sara Ezell

  • Reply Hunter's Mom February 13, 2008 at 6:48 pm

    Angie…I just wanted to let you know that your blog has continued to bless me every time I read it! Under very different circumstances, I too am a mom leaning on God and knowing that HE IS ENOUGH to get my child through impossible physical struggles. The urge to grieve one minute and rejoice the next makes me feel a bit split personality at times…but I know that HE IS ABLE and that like you said, our little ones will be whole again…wether in this life time or the next. I continue to pray for you and your family every day. Know that you are not alone…

  • Reply Beckycain6 February 14, 2008 at 3:54 am

    Angie….we don’t know each other. I read your blog, and as a 31 year old mother of 6, my heart aches for you. All I can say is that our sweet, patient Heavenly Father holds each of us. He does so when we are happy and when we are facing the pits of despair. I thought it may help to share with you these perfect and beautiful words in Isaiah………

    “…Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name. YOU are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, YOU will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God. Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours BECAUSE you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you…..” (Isaiah 43: 1-5)

    Just know always that He is holding you, your children (all 4 of them), and your husband. My heart goes out to you…..

  • Reply Beckycain6 February 14, 2008 at 3:56 am

    Angie….we don’t know each other. I read your blog, and as a 31 year old mother of 6, my heart aches for you. All I can say is that our sweet, patient Heavenly Father holds each of us. He does so when we are happy and when we are facing the pits of despair. I thought it may help to share with you these perfect and beautiful words in Isaiah………

    “…Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name. YOU are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, YOU will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God. Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours BECAUSE you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you…..” (Isaiah 43: 1-5)

    Just know always that He is holding you, your children (all 4 of them), and your husband. My heart goes out to you…..

  • Reply Tina February 14, 2008 at 7:23 am

    Hi Angie,
    I was led to your blog today, it was not fate. I was led by the hand of God. I have followed Selah whenever they have visited Illinois. I always felt so inspired by their faith and amazing vocals. They have lifted me when I’ve been so broken. The last three months have been some of the most difficult in my life. I am a mom of six, 4 girls and 2 boys, and I am desperately seeking and grasping every word or sign God sends me for clarity and strength to press on. So while I approached the Selah website in hopes that I would find an upcoming Illinois visit on their schedule, I found the link to your blog. I have clung to every word and cried at the beauty of your photographs, especially the “Mickey Ears for four”. You, my dear, have a gift for words and for unraveling the sometimes overlooked hidden messages in life. I am so truly moved by your words of faith and grateful for the insight you have provided me, in God’s name. I have seen the power of God’s healing. I was a witness to it a month and a half ago in my church. There was an immigrant family who’s 18 month old daughter had a horrible reaction to a flu shot. She was paralyzed from the waist down and her legs appeared to be burnt. She cried 90% of time and the doctors could find no remedy but to send her home with pain meds. Our pastor went to their home to offer hope through prayer. In doing so he realized the family had no furniture, not even a crib. Within a day members of the congregation had donated a crib, bedding, clothing and even a much needed couch. That alone would have been an inspiring story, but God had his own donation that night of prayer. The following Sunday we listened as the little girl’s teary-eyed father thanked everyone for their prayers and donations. He then told us that in the past week his daughter’s health had improved and her pain had lessened. So much so that when he told her they were going to church that morning, she actually jumped up to her feet and walked to the door with a big smile on her face waiting for him to open it! Her first steps in almost 2 months. What glory we all felt in the power of the Lord’s healing of this little girl! He has his plan for Audrey, and it is a beautiful one. It started out with the blessing of her two amazing parents! You are all in my prayers. God Bless All!
    Tina Velazquez

  • Reply klawilliam February 14, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    I have been praying for you and your family since I ran across your blog. Last night we saw Selah in concert in OKC and my thoughts turned to you. I know it is a sacrifice for Todd to be on the road, but just to let you know I brought friends who had never heard Christian music and were very moved by Todd’s voice. They now want to hear more. Your husband is a true blessing! I will continue to pray for your family.

  • Reply Anonymous February 14, 2008 at 10:51 pm

    I am hopeful that you will see this post. I came across your blog while looking up Selah. My uncle passed away this last Saturday after a long and painful battle with cancer. We are using “You Raise Me Up” at his service. Your blog reminded me, in our suffering we need only look to God for the miracles he provides to ease our burden. I immediately thought about the moment I watched my uncle take his last breath and began searching for the miracle. I have found many!! I pray for you everyday and especially for your ability to keeping seeing your miracles.

  • Reply Catherine February 15, 2008 at 1:49 pm

    I came across your blog as I searched online to buy tickets for Selah (they are coming to my area this month)… I am so blessed and insprired by your words of truth. You write so beautifully, and I can feel your mothers heart beat with every word. May God bless you and keep you everyday and may you feel His presence. I am praying for you and little Audrey!
    God bless.

  • Reply Anonymous February 19, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    Audrey’s photo frame literally took my breath away in the gasp of a GOD MOMENT!

    Isn’t God good? Good being undefinable by our finite minds but utterly, unalterably good all the same.

    I’m captivated by your gut-honest blog, Angie. I’ve not personally experienced anything similar to yours, but through your writing I am just dipping my toe in the well of understanding and coming away changed.

    Thank you. Thank you for being courageous enough to share Todd with us in here in NY this week. I’m not sure I can even look at him without crying for all of your days of joy and sorrow.

    God is near. Mary

  • Reply Katy May 30, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    I’m just starting to catch up on your blog, and wanted to let you know how much it is already touching my life. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us.

  • Reply Darlene May 31, 2008 at 1:38 am

    Angie, I have just been led to your blog. God is; and has; and continues to use you. Your storytelling is blessed. I have been laughing, and crying. I just had to leave my comment on this particular post because I said Amen, amen, amen, amen over and again while reading.
    He is enough.
    He is the only thing worth walking toward. the only thing.
    Your family is now in my prayers.

  • Reply kg090999 July 13, 2008 at 8:51 pm

    Oh my Lord! This post touched me so deeply and I’m just sitting here in total awe that you are so open to the experience that you can see and feel all of that.

    If I may, I’d like to tell you just a little about myself. I have a son and daughter (20 and 18 respectively) as well my husband has custody of his daughter from his first marriage. She has cerebral palsey. Mind you, it isn’t severe but it’s enough that people notice that SOMEthing just isn’t quite right and it breaks my heart to see her eyes dim just a bit each time she realizes that someone has noticed. She’s 15 (mine since she was 4. She has a Mom-that she doesn’t see- but she’s mine in my heart) and that’s such a tough age.

    So I’m reading your blog, and all I can think of as I’m reading this is that she needs to see this. (I did, too) It puts so many things into perspective and I find myself feeling guilty about the times I’ve thought (during any particular incident in my life) “why me?” The answer really is, “Why NOT me?”

    Lastly, I was raised in church. My family is, of all things, Methodist and Amish Mennonite, and we were raised IN CHURCH and I have faith in a higher power that I know is there, working in my life… when I let him. Isn’t that sad that I have to add that last part?

    I know that my God sacrificed his son for all of us… for me and I can’t help but wonder, right now… today, why I am not thanking God for that every single solitary milisecond in my life instead of letting myself get tripped up in all of the bad things.

    I haven’t finished ready all of Audrey’s story but I just had to stop and comment here because I am so thankful that something as painful as the loss of a precious life is what it took TODAY to make me stop and think about that again.

    I can’t believe I’m going to blurt this out here but here goes… I got pregnant when I was 17 (by the man I eventually married and is the father of my children) but I didn’t know I was pregnant because everything was still going on each month (you know?) and because they couldn’t figure out why I was so sick they did several xrays and upper GI’s only to discover that I was three months pregnant and had all of those tests done during critical growth periods so the doctor recommended an abortion. And I did it. Horrible, and humiliating but nothing was worse than the guilt that I had terminated a life that God had entrusted to me. Who was I to make that choice?

    After getting married and trying to get pregnant I kept having miscarraiges (4 of them, 2 of which were at 15 weeks) only to find out that the abortion had torn part of my cervix. It took the doctors sewing my cervix shut with both pregnancies during a miscarriage to save my two kids.

    I can’t help but wonder how things would have been if I’d just trusted God’s plan for me, and then I sit here second guessing that… my two kids were surely part of God’s plan or they wouldn’t be with me. None of this probably makes any sense but I’m ashamed of myself on so many levels because of what you’ve written but you’re so good at pointing those things out while still reminding us that God has already forgiven us. True miracles. And you, my dear, are one yourself.

    Lastly, Nicol’s voice is stunning and so is your husband’s group. I’ve heard of them before (admittedly not a big listener of Christian music outside of church) but I’m a huuuuuuuuuge Josh Groban fan and I believe he sings one of Selah’s songs.

    Anyway, I’m sorry to just spew all over your blog but I just had to say something. Your little angel (and the other three angels in training) are exsquisite and you have every reason in the world to show them off!
    KRush in Texas

  • Reply Ruth Ann August 8, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    Angie, what beautiful words you have to share with us! You should really write a book. God truly speaks through you.

  • Reply Amy Guerino August 22, 2008 at 5:51 am

    I’ve found you and your story through Wendi at Every Day Miracles.

    I love teacups as well…and your words of truth…”He is enough.
    I am not a preacher. I will not pretend to be. What I am is a woman who realizes more and more every day that I want Jesus more than I want the teacups to keep spinning. In this life, we are going to be disappointed. We will hurt. But there is great joy in the shadows if you know where to look.”
    My husband is a very good preacher and I live with struggles in life and understand with my own circumstances waht you mean by finding joy in the shadows.

    Thank you for sharing your heart and your story. God is getting all the glory through the pain. I wonder what reward He has in store for you.

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