Carry You

We had a really hard day on Tuesday. It started out by going to a funeral home and choosing a resting place for our little girl. No mother should ever have to walk around and stare at tombstones while her child hiccups and shifts within her. It was the most unnatural, horrible feeling I can think to describe. As we met with the director, we made our agenda clear. “We don’t have the final say on this baby. If God chooses to heal her, none of this will be necessary. We just want to have this taken care of in the event that…well, you know.” 
She nodded the nod that means that she didn’t really understand. She told me how difficult this must all be for me, and yes, I agreed that it was. For some reason, though, I was handling it better than I thought I would.  I had dreaded this moment so much, and now that I was in it, it wasn’t what I thought it would be.  
I think she wondered how someone could be going through all of this and not be hysterical. It’s not that I don’t cry…I cry several times a day. Sometimes to the point where I can’t breathe and I just feel like I am drowning.  But not here.  Not about this. 
She asked a few more emotional questions to lead me into the “deep place” where they must try and help people get to.  As we flipped through catalogs, it started to make sense in my mind..somewhere between the gravestones and the “cadillac of caskets,” I felt that voice rising up within me that doesn’t settle back down until it is heard.

I looked her right in the eye.  I needed her attention. I was kind, but determined.

“If you are wondering why we are approaching this the way that we are, please allow me to explain.  We are not emotionless.  This is the hardest season of our lives up until this point. But I need you to understand that we don’t believe that she will be in this box.  Because of Who we believe in, we know that what we are choosing here is somewhat irrelevant.  She will be in heaven with our Lord.  I hope this makes sense.” 
I think this kind of threw off her sales pitch. But I wanted her to know. I get the feeling they don’t see themselves as “Plan B” very often.
We went to the OB after that…it was, to put it mildly, completely shocking. After further discussing the delivery options, we have unanimously decided that a c-section is the best and safest way to deliver Audrey. Based on what I am physically feeling (and it’s not pleasant), she may have shifted herself a little…probably into a frank breech position, but possibly head down (which would be a MIRACLE and would change our approach to delivery dramatically). There were graphic details that neither of us were prepared to hear, and we are both still processing those. It seems like when we can’t take any more, God asks that we do. I am so down today…physically, mentally, spiritually.  We were supposed to meet with our pastor this afternoon, but we canceled because I feel like my body needs to be still.  He called me and we talked through some things.  He is the gentlest, kindest, humblest person you will ever meet, and he ministered to me by just being available and dedicated to listening.  Thank you, Pastor Scott.
I do want you all to know that we have set a date for Audrey’s birth.  She will be delivered on April 14th at 12 p.m.
There are many, many reasons for this decision.  We have prayed and prayed.  Because my body does not have a strong history of “doing pregnancy well,” we needed to make a decision based on when Todd was going to be home.  Neither of us would be able to live with him missing it.  I will be almost 34 weeks by then, and they are anticipating that she will be 2 pounds or less, which means that I will have to have a “classical c-section.”  Let’s just say that it isn’t optimal as far as future pregnancies, and it has certainly given us more to be considering.
I dropped a wooden puzzle on my foot today, and I screamed out in pain.  It wasn’t a scream equivalent to a bruised foot, but the scream of a woman who feels like she cannot take any more.  I fell on the floor, and Abby and Ellie jumped down from the table.  Abby patted my head while Ellie asked if she should get daddy.  Kate glanced down at me from her chair and then resumed trying to fit a triangle into a rectangle spot on her puzzle.  She gets really irritated when the shapes don’t self-adjust to her specific desires at that moment. I have no idea where she gets this temperament from…hmmmm…..
I laid there for a few minutes, talking to God.  Actually, I was throwing a temper tantrum in my head. 
Enough.  Enough.  It is ENOUGH, Lord.  I can’t do it anymore.  You chose the wrong servant. 

I finally did get up, and I continued my conversation with the Lord.  He lead me quietly back to a place where I feel a little more safe.  A little more alive.
I want to mention something else to you all that is incredibly emotional for me (in a good way). I have known for a couple days, but needed to pass it along to a few other people before I could share it publicly.  I thought it was really interesting that someone posted here and asked if I knew the song “Held” by Natalie Grant.  I do know (and love) this song.  I have also had the privilege of writing with the woman who wrote the song.  Her name is Christa Wells, and she is an angel of the rarest sort.  She was a kindred spirit to me the moment I met her, and I have treasured her gifting and her very presence in the times we have shared.  She lives out of town, and shortly after we found out about Audrey, she called to set up a songwriting appointment with Todd and me.  I explained the situation to her assistant, and when we met up in person, we cried and hugged and wrote.
What came out of the session is a song entitled “Carry You.”  It is deeply, profoundly meaningful to me.  I mentioned several postings back that we had recorded it with Allan playing piano, Amy and Todd singing, and Jason producing.  We planned to play it at Audrey’s worship service, and I wanted to post it here for others who have walked through losing a child. We begged God to use it for this purpose…to make it meaningful to people. We were not at all prepared for what He had in store…
Todd called me while he was on the road.  Amy and Allan had come to him with what had been an ongoing conversation that we knew nothing about.  They had decided that the song should be on the upcoming Selah record, and they explained that they wanted it to be more than that.  They want to have several pages in the CD booklet dedicated to her, have the girls come in and talk to her on microphone, to start considering bereavement conferences where they could sing and I could speak (Um, yeah, paralyzing stage fright…not quite here yet…).  It went on and on. 
I literally fell into a heap on my desk.  I couldn’t even talk to Todd, the words simply would not come.  There was a gratitude, a sense of joy that overwhelmed me.  It was so completely unexpected…it had literally never crossed my mind that they might want to do that.  All of a sudden, I saw it for what it was.
She is going to have a legacy.

Long beyond what I can give her, what I can speak on her behalf, she will live in the notes of a song that was written in the purest form of love possible.
Amy, Allan, Jason, Shawn…thank you for loving her (and us).  What you do in the name of Christ is far-reaching and true.  He has heard the praise of many who came to His feet because of your dedication to serve.  We are honored to be a part of the family.
Christa, thank you for your heart, your tears, and your “mother’s love.”  We are so blessed to have been able to share this hurt with you…you have helped to make it beautiful.
This is longer than I meant for it to be.  I am a bundle of emotions today…thank you for standing alongside me, and for listening.  May God return the love you have shown our family tenfold in the days to come.
Angie
  

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  • The Flick Family

    I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now. Know that I am praying for you, your family, and especially Audrey during this time. You are amazing and show such strength. The Lord is using your story in amazing ways. Audrey will have an amazing legacy, Her Father will see to that!
    -Mindy

  • Anonymous

    prayers continue …

    It struck me after reading about Audrey’s Celebration Song and possible bereavement conferences that you may be experiencing what Jill Kelly (wife of football hall of famer, Jim) has also experienced through the homegoing of their son, Hunter. Perhaps God is preparing the way for a wide-spread ministration through Audrey’s situation and your response to it … Hmmmm. Then, not only will Audrey live on through the lilting musical notes, but also as an ongoing imprint of God’s mercy, grace and love on those who are hurt and grieving through such conferences. Don’t fear what He may be calling you to do in His Name. Time will tell.

  • Laura

    Oh the legacy….I am weeping as I write to you. I am remembering th moment I realized our Pearl was going to have legacy too….just knowing there is a purpose in all the pain. You are a courageous woman and a precious mama. I am praying that we will meet one day and talk about the legacy of our daughters. Praying for you to have the strength to treasure each moment of the coming days…

  • Anonymous

    Oh, I just don’t know what to say. Know that there are so many who are praying for you guys! Your writings have touched my life and the way you are glorifying the Lord. He didn’t choose the wrong servants…for He knew how His name would be praised and how you would grow in Him throughout this struggle.
    Praying for you in Indiana…

  • Keri

    Please know I am praying for you and your family. I am deeply moved by your words of honesty, wisdom, and grace. It is humbling to know that Audrey will leave a bigger legacy in her small life than many people do who live 90 years. What a blessing to be a part of that!

  • Michele

    I have recently started reading your blob and praise you for your courage ! God is with you always and leading you through this dark time. He will see you through to a better place.

  • Dave and Teresa

    On April 12, 2005 we lost our little girl, also named Audrey. We were into our fourth month, and delivering the daughter that we knew we would never see grow up was the most heart-wrenching experience we have ever endured, but God was with us, and we feel so blessed that she was a part of our lives for even a short time. She was a joy to us, and her memory is still so very special. I have been following your blog for a while now, and you and your family, especially little Audrey, are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you all. Teresa

  • EmilyB

    even before this new possiblity, your daughter already had a legacy. She has had, through her mommy’s writing, a profound effect on those who have read about her. I cannot even imagine how many hearts have softened and turned towards our dear Father through the awesome testimony of Audrey’s mom.

    Thank you for sharing your story-the good and the bad times–and never failing to point to God. May you be comforted by knowing that there are many people praying for you, people you will never know or meet but that are lifting you up to our Daddy.

  • karen44

    Angie;
    While folding laundry again the other day (I’m sure you come to mind other times than when I fold laundry — I guess now it’s just a habit!) I was again thinking and praying for you and Todd. And I realized how blessed you are.

    As hard as this time is for you, how much harder would it be if you didn’t have this blog to “vent” to? or the prayers of all these prayer warriors who are intervening for your family? And how much harder would it be for you if you didn’t have such a strong relationship with God and your savior, Jesus? There are many, many women out there trying to deal with this same (or similar) heartache who don’t have the privilege of talking to, praying to, and receiving grace and mercy from our God.

    I think you are uniquely qualified and gifted to minister to grieving women in all kinds of situations. Your psychology background, your talented ability to convey your thoughts and feelings through your writing, your unique position as the wife of a “public figure” with his own unique ministry — it’s truly amazing. I think you’re right that God has a purpose in this that is sooooo much bigger than any of us realize.

    God is good. Through the fire, God brings all kinds of miracles! I’ll be praying that He speaks clearly to you what His plan is — and gives you the courage to follow Him in faith.
    -karen l.

  • Jessica

    I know how difficult it was to compose this post, darling. Can’t wait to give you a hug tomorrow, drink, craft and pray together Saturday night and have sleepovers in April. My arms and heart are wrapped tightly and fiercely around you. Love you.

  • Anonymous

    I read you posts daily I laugh with you when the girls are being normal girls and I cry with you. I have 2 prescious babies in heaven, due to miscarriages, so I share your pain, yet not fully understading the depth after haveing felt her move and to truely know her already. I will continue to pray for you and your family. We serve a might God and I believe He may still heal little Audrey.

  • Noreen

    I wept and prayed again for you, Angie, and prayed again for Audrey’s healing. I know the pain and grief of losing a child. I pray that God will hear your cry and quiet your soul today.

  • Ida

    Thank you Lord for Angie and her family!! Thank you for bringing Audreys legacy to my life and touching my heart, reminding me of that your Grace is always sufficient.

    I don’t know what else to say other than you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know your strength and faith in God will bring you through. I am hugging you all in my heart! -Ida

  • Catherine

    There is so much love and prayers coming at you from us, Angie and Todd.. we are here for you, praying and loving you all..

    We are walking this faith journey with you.

    So much love,
    Catherine for the Prell family

  • Jan

    Angie,
    Thank you so much for sharing your journey with all of us. You will never know how much it means to us, and the great impact that it has had! I am confident that you have helped to draw hundreds of people closer to Christ, through your writing. You are an amazing woman, and better yet, an amazing servant of Christ. Please know that I am thinking and praying for you all often!!

  • leslie ruth

    I only found your blog a few weeks ago but God has used your authenticity, your gentle honesty, the rawness of what you are walking through, and your willingness to shar DEEPLY. Audrey will indeed have a legacy and it is just starting to take shape. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this journey…

  • Erica

    This morning I prayed that God’s presence in the next few days and weeks would be so strongly felt that you fully expect to glimpse Him standing right next to you. I also prayed protection for your entire family during this time…that nothing unnecessary would be added to your plate.

    So sorry that you have to go through all of this. Still praying that Audrey will be healed here on Earth.

  • Tina Vega

    Standing alongside you in faith dear sister in Christ. As much as my heart aches for you, your heavenly Father’s aches even more – His heart is so tender towards you. I pray that you will continue to feel His loving presence, strength, and peace as you face the unknown. He has you covered, nothing is uncertain to Him.

    My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend. Job 16:20-21

  • Marc and Charity

    I hope you don’t mind that I keep commenting, I realize I don’t even know y’all!

    Your honesty and sharing your heart is beautiful, though it probably does not feel like it.

    Praying in Wales for you…

  • Megan L Hutchings

    I have been reading your blog lately and you simply AMAZE me. Please know that my prayers for you, Audrey, and your family are many. Your story is touching so many people…more than you know. YOU are an inspiration and your sweet daughter will have a legacy that the Father will bless.

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing your spirit with me. I sometimes feel like I don’t have the spirit with me. Then I read your words and remember how to feel it again. Thank You.

  • Jack Hager

    I was sharing a bit of your story with a teen ministry team yesterday, and though I hand’t planned on using these words, as I spoke I said, “I feel I need to take off my shoes as I read this blog.” After I voiced it, surprising myself, I recognized how true that was.
    Thanks for sharing your heart, transparently, and thus His heart, with us.

  • amanda

    Thank you for sharing your heart. I can only begin to imagine the depth of all the emotion you’re feeling and I know it’s not easy to make yourself vulnerable by sharing it so publicly. Praying that God would be so near to you these days, that you will feel His arms wrapping around you and holding you tight. You are precious to Him.

  • Emily

    Oh yes, Audrey’s legacy will be long lived and beautiful. My Miller Grace lived for five days and the ripples she has made on eternity, and continues to make daily, are astounding. I feel called to write and speak as well. The Lord never wastes a hurt. ;)

    I am praying for you from a heart that really does understand… and who has sat in those cold funeral home chairs and chosen a tiny casket, too. I’ve been in a crumpled mess on the floor asking God to choose someone else, while little girls have stroked my hair, too. And He’s still big enough.

    Audrey is beautiful and fearfully and wonderfully made. And so are you. You can do this. You were anointed for this, sweet friend of my heart.

  • dreamingBIGdreams

    thanks for sharing your journey with us. your words are impacting others.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,

    You are so very precious and even though we have never met I feel there is a bond between us. Please know that I laugh with you and cry with you. You and your family are with me in my thoughts and prayers. Remember God is still in the miracle business! He is the great physician.

    Mel

  • Melody

    Angie,

    There is nothing I could say that hasn’t already been said a million times better by the comments above me, but just please know you are in my prayers and my heart. My heart cries out for you guys- not only because of what you’re going through, but also just empathizing with the tremendous emotion you are experiencing. You are so right- sometimes when we can’t take anymore, the Lord reveals that we need to.

    I am praying for you daily and love you guys!!

  • Tamara

    Wow. I’ve been reading for a week or two now and I just wanted to let you know I am praying for you guys. I am praying God just be BLATANTLY obvious in all you encounter. Your family is already touching other families. I know it doesn’t make the hurt go away, and I wouldn’t even begin to pretend I understand…but I do think about you and pray for you. Thank you for sharing yourself and your family.

  • Laurie

    Angie,

    My heart hurt for you as I read this today. Such an out of body experience at the funeral home and OB appointment, while the inner body experience of little Audrey moving around and having hiccups. This little baby who’s legacy will be so huge a testament to Jesus and His love, she is already ministering about her life. “Carry You” is what He is doing right now in your family. What a blessing to find beauty in the hurt. Only the Lord can bring this gratitude. I stand beside you in daily prayer, asking God to reveal His perfect plan as you so faithfully serve Him. Asking Him to pour out His blessings on you today and the days ahead as you wait to meet this treasure God has graced you with.

    Love and Prayers, Laurie in Ca.

  • Anonymous

    Friends, I am overwhelmed by the power with which God is moving in and through the hearts of families such as this.
    We are approaching our daughter’s 2nd birthday in heaven and know all too well what it feels like to be dismissed from the hospital and go straight to the funeral home to select a casket that closely resembles a bassinet. It’s just not the way life is supposed to be.
    BUT, as a result of the loss of our daughter, God has lead me on a journey that has transformed my heart and mind and restored me to a stronger faith than I’ve ever had before. Psalm 40:1-3 is my testimony. As Angie said a few days ago, God CAN and WILL redeem our brokenness for His glory if we surrender all to Him. What the enemy intended for harm, God will use for His good. I believe He delights in these many, many testimonies of His faithfulness. What a privilege to stand with all of you in victory and with great rejoicing we will all celebrate before Him in heaven one day with all of our little ones.

  • Mila in PA

    I am praying for your family everyday. I found your blog thru another and have been reading for a couple weeks. As a mother i am deeply, deeply touched by your journey. You have brought so much to me by sharing your profound faith. You are in my thoughts and sincerest prayers.

  • Shelley

    I found your blog through another and have been following along for a few weeks now. I just wanted you to know that I am praying for your family.

  • Anonymous

    thank you Angie for being strong enough to share with all of us! You are amazing. I am soooooo excited for Audrey….a song…what a wonderful gift. As someone else said earlier, she already is a legacy……I am praying for you now and always. Be strong my friend!

  • Amyd

    I am constantly thinking of you & little Audrey. You are always on my mind & in my heart.May God bless you with His love.Hugs & kisses.
    -Amy

  • Shane and Kathy Gebhardt

    Your little Audrey is leaving a BIG legacy. I pray for your miracle….and I look forward to hearing her song.

    God’s Blessings Always.

  • joygross

    What an amazing family you are… I am praying for you all. I cant wait to hear the song.

  • Carol Bright

    Angie, Todd and Girls,

    There are no words to express the sorrow I feel for you. I too lost a child at birth, the difference is, I didn’t know he wasn’t going to make it. I don’t know which is worse knowing and preparing or not knowing and preparing. God will see you through this, and I know you already know this. We are all allowed pity parties every now and then. Someday you will be able to look at her pictures and smile. Please hold her and spend time with her. I didn’t do that and I will regret it until the day I die.

    Love through Christ, Carol B.

  • KELLY

    My sister had sent me your blog a week or so ago, and I spent an entire evening reading from the beginning to present. I have prayed for you, cried for you, tried to even wrap my head around the trial the Lord has you in. As a mom of three and pregnant with my own fourth little one, I continue to pray for a miracle for Audrey.

  • Fran

    Oh Angie…
    My momma’s heart is feeling so many things right now. But, I want you to know that this sister in Christ is praying for you and your family. I have nothing to offer other than prayer and that is the greatest gift I can give you.

    Peace and love,
    Fran
    TN

  • Ani

    Every time I read your blog, I am amazed at your faith, hope and endurance. My thoughts and prayers, feeble as they may be, are with you and your family.

  • surfmomma4

    Dear Angie, my heart breaks for you and your family, but know that all of us out here in cyberspace are praying for you to recieve a miracle, and if that is not God’ plan, strenght to deal with all of this. I read this article about photographers who work with families in your situation. I found it hearbreaking and also up-lifting. Here is the link
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23682263/
    God Bless you..Susan

  • Anonymous

    I have never met you or read your belog before today but please know that your family is in my thoughts and prayers right now. You are inspiring and clearly little Audrey is too. With no voice, you are her voice…and your words are so powerful and moving. I haven’t been the most spiritual person over the past few years but your words are making me reconsider that. Big hugs and prayers from one mother to another.

    -Kristy

  • Jill

    Angie and Todd,

    I sit here tonight in awe of our Lord and Savior! The power He has in and through our lives when we let Him. Your daughter already has left a legacy much bigger than you might even know until we are all in heaven rejoicing together! You have ministered to so many people through your talents and being transparent and REAL! I am blessed every time I sit to read the things I feel so honored to learn about your life. I am privileged to sit at our Father’s feet for your precious daughter and your family. Feel hugged by the many you give so much too already! Feel loved by those who you might never meet this side of heaven. I am touched by every word you share – tonight I cried with you. I cried for you and will pray for you to feel all that my heart is sending to you tonight – His LOVE abounding! Angie, you are a blessing and He is right there with you when you cried out I can’t take anymore – there is where He wants you – let Him carry the yoke. He knows this pain and is right there with you, stand behind the cross and His power to heal the places you don’t think can be touched because they hurt so bad. Remember there is no part of you that He doesn’t know or understand. He knitted you together and knows each beautiful red hair you have. He knows you and loves you more and more each day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you share with us. I look forward to Todd’s album coming out – I’m sure God will use it to minister to 1,000′s of hearts that need exactly what they are putting together. I have shared your blog with many people and they have all been blessed as well.

    Love that knows no bounds,
    Jill

  • Becoming Me

    I just started reading your blog and I fought back tears as I read this entry. I cannot fathom what you are experiencing. Your faith is amazing and such a gift to God. That’s what He wants from us more than anything. Our faith. What an amazing legacy your sweet baby girl will have. You are in my prayers. Blessings, Angela
    (PS-please do not feel like you need to respond to this comment, there is a lot on your heart right now. Just know that there is one more person praying.)

  • Jane-Jane

    It is my honor to stand with you. I can’t tell you how many times a day God brings you to my heart and mind.

    Still praying in SC!

  • Amber, Ben and Brooklyn …

    Angie,

    As you know, I am in the learning phase of knowing how to properly pray for things … but I wanted to write you a note anyway. I can’t imagine what you must be feelings (I am sure that you hear that a lot). I want you to know that even though I am a work in progress, I am passing strength on to you. I am amazed every day how you are handling this with such grace and poise. You are such a special woman … you are my inspiration. Your strength has given me and so many others hope. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to share your story. Your family is not only in our thoughts, but you are also in our hearts.

    Amber, Ben and Brooklyn

  • Barb

    I’ve been reading your blog recently, found it through a friend’s. I am praying for your family in this difficult time, and I will look forward to seeing what God chooses to do through Audrey and her legacy.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,

    I stand amazed each day at the strength that God has given you for this particular day. I’m drawn to your blog…drawing strength for my every day. I hurt when I read you hurting, I cry when I read you are/have been crying. My heart goes out to you. Reading your blog makes me pray more & more harder & harder for you & your family. I think about you so many times during the day & pause to remember you in prayer again. You have touched so many people & we have all drawn closer to our Heavenly Father. I felt your pain today when you were at the funeral home. Several years ago, my favorite brother lost a newborn & he was recovering from an on the job injury back surgery. They had no money & when I found out what their choice was for burial, I couldn’t let that happen. I stepped forward & signed to pay for a decent burial for Jordon. I have never regretted that decision. God provided the funds & he was with us through every moment. As a mother, my heart goes out to you…as I read about PRECIOUS Audrey kicking in your tummy so many happy memories God has chosen you for a very special mission & through this mission Audrey has reached & blessed so many people. I will continue to pray for God’s blessings for you & your family. Just remember that I love you guys & continue to pray for God’s Miracle for Audrey’s healing. Love & Prayers, Rose

  • Laura Smith

    I love the idea of Audrey’s legacy! It is amazing that a tiny baby girl can have such an impact on so many. I am glad God has given you this blessing among the sadness.

    I come to this blog to check on you everyday! I know our Father checks on you every single second!

  • mssipequeen

    Angie,
    I don’t even know you but my friend Nicole Stropes sent me the likn. I read through the whole story yesterday. Bless your heart! What an awesome example that I need of how God works through different people, even the little ones.

  • Heather

    Just found you guys through a Jamie’s blog. I can’t imagine your pain during this time. Your testimony during this trial speaks volumes. My family will join those in prayer for your family.

  • Anonymous

    I pray that you all know what incredible children of God that you are. You are where God has intended you to be. Although you are “carrying a cross” right now, know that you do not carry it alone. He is with you and we are with you. Many Prayers.
    Ryan & Amy Beck

  • Just Me

    When I first found your journal, Audrey’s story was just starting to be told here. I left a comment a few weeks ago, and said this–”I am glad you feel you can put your feelings out there, even if they are difficult to write. I have seen online journals/blogs be a tremendous source of healing for people in difficult situations. The prayers will come from near and far to help you through, and fill in the gaps when you are unable to put your thoughts into words.”

    Look how many people have come to know and pray for Audrey in that short time since I posted that (I think maybe 50 total comments had been posted and there have been more than 50 on this entry alone!). Her story has touched so many already and brought people from all over together to pray. I am praying for you and your family, and am looking forward to hearing Audrey’s song. What an amazing legacy!

    God bless,
    Amanda
    (my parents nearly named me “Audrey”, so I have a special place in my heart for “Audreys”! :o ) )

  • My

    I’ve been listening to your husband and sister-in-law for about a year now. Their music has really touched me beyond words. Todd’s gift of voice is indescribable. What he has done with “One Thing I Know” ya’ll will never know LOL. That is above all my favorite song on all the Cds.

    But that’s not the reason I’m writing. I just learned of your troubles today. I’m so sorry God has laid this burden at ya’ll feet. But I do feel there is a reason. Who beside you could have carried this precious miracle into the world? Who would have had the strength to withstand the anguish you must feel? I can’t say I understand what you are going through, but I will pray with every fiber of my being Audrey is born the way Jesus intends for her to be. My prayers are with ALL of your family. “If God leads it to you, He’ll lead you through it.”

    Thank you for sharing this walk with all of us!

  • Susanna

    Wow I just found out about your struggles. I wish I could have been praying for you longer. But It is NEVER to late for prayers! Know that You and your family are in my prayers. Your strength and your comittment to the Lord shines through. It is a very hard thing to do to trust in the Lord during hard times, I know. Keep on trusting him and he “will make your paths straight”. God is calling you to do a very difficult thing, but know that he is TRULY there for you and he will ALWAYS be.

  • Laura

    You have been and will continue to be in my prayers. There’s no way I can even begin to imagine what you’re going through but the least I can do is talk to the One who does.

    And you are leaving a legacy too-with this blog, with everyone you talk to in person-you’re directing them to the Savior.

  • Kelly

    I am so so so so very sorry for all you are going through but I’m so glad you are letting God use you and give you purpose in the midst of your pain. You are such a blessing and an inspiration. I’m sure you would rather not have to go through this but God has a plan for you.
    I love that you shared with the funeral director. That made me cry. You are just amazing.

  • Stephanie

    You are just so sweet to me Angie. I hurt for you and Todd and for your girls. Thank you for being so honest about where you are…your words have started Audrey’s legacy already. She matters and her life, however long it may be, will continue to matter. God doesn’t waste our pain and He always has a purpose for it. Praying that you will find the grace you need each day…you are a blessing even in your darkest days. Thank you for sharing, we are all praying.

  • TADJuls

    God put me here today to talk to you. I totally believe that. Please read on.
    I was just thinking to myself last night, that I’ve never been into GROUPS, just the songs, and the words, as they are like prayer for me. But last night I was thinking “if ever there was a group I’d be ‘in to’ it would be Selah.”
    Then, tonight I looked on the website for the first time ever, to see about concert dates. THEN, I read the part about praying for you. I was in a similar situation as you about 7 1/2 years ago. Please, don’t ever lose hope. I speak and minister to ladies all of the time and tell my story, and I cant tell you how many of them have approached me afterwards and said “my baby was never supposed to live” and there was that precious child standing right next to this mom as we spoke, beautiful and whole.
    You and I both know that God works in different ways for every situation, but there’s always hope. He gave you this child for a reason. I would LOVE for you to read my story. I truly think I’m supposed to share it with you.
    I have a blog here too, http://www.tadstaiger.blogspot.com but my testimony is on http://www.jsministry.faithweb.com under the MY STORY link. I can’t believe after all of the years of me loving Selah, and singing dozens of their song arrangements in church, that I JUST now came to the website and now here I am. God has to be in that. HAS TO BE.
    My prayers are with you. Hold On.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    Your baby is a special spirit sent down to obtain a body. She is just too righteous of a spirit to dwell on this wicked earth. Her mission is to get her body and go back and live with our Father in Heaven again. This life is short. Someday you will live with her again and be a family forever.
    Children are so beautiful and special and inherit eternal life no matter what happens. We are the ones who must repent and prove ourselves worthy to return to Him.
    I am so sorry for this terrible time you have to experience. I know you will be comforted with the Holy Ghost. You are in our prayers!

  • Jill

    Angie,

    I just found your blog today and have read every single entry. I am blown away by your unshakable faith the Lord has blessed you with. Your continued love for our Father and unwavering gratitude amazes me.

    We lost our first child due to complications in the pregnancy and I completely understand just wanting everyone to know about Audrey.

    I don’t even know what to write, nothing seems like it could help. So I will only say that I will continue to pray for you, your family and your sweet baby Audrey.

    God bless,
    Jill

  • CarolinaGirl

    I just came across your blog, and I sat and read the entire thing and cried, and prayed, and prayed, and cried. You are so strong, and I know that is from your strong faith! Know that I am praying for you and your family. May God Bless you! My first daughter was a miracle, and now she is 8 yrs old, and I just had my 4th girl 8 days ago. He is good. Audrey will have a beautiful legacy! God bless you all!

  • Anonymous

    Weeping and preying for you … don’t know that else to tell you …
    May God continue to bless you and your family ..
    Your sister in Christ …
    Damarys

  • Adrienne

    There are days I feel like I didn’t deserve to be Noah’s mommy because he was perfect and I’m the farthest thing from it. I felt so brave and invincible as we lived daily with Noah in the hospital for 5.5 months. Praying for his healing, sharing the love of Christ with everyone we met…I never realized that in his death God could receive such glory and honor. Your Audrey has a legacy already, and will continue to have one no matter her number of days. Praying for grace, strength and continued peace for the days ahead. For all of you…
    Adrienne Graves

  • Marcie

    I will be praying for strength, peace and hope for you, your husband and your children. Thank you for sharing your heart. You are His child, He loves you and will guide you through this valley.

  • Vickie

    Its amazing that this blog update is posted on the birthday of my oldest daughter, she would have been 31 years old today. She died in 2003. I love that her birthday is the same day as your blog about what will be happening soon for you and Todd and the girls. I wrote before about losing my mom, dad, brother, his wife and my daughter in a 7 year period and how the music of Selah, especially, Press On, helped me through the tough times. As I said in my last comment, I also had a brain tumor removed just last Sept. and I am constantly amazed by Gods Blessings through the hard stuff. My prayer for you and Todd and baby Audrey and the girls is strength. Selah has given me such strength through the music. It has given me faith when I thought I had none. It has given me courage, when I thought I could not go on anymore.
    I was privledged to see Selah in Midland, MI last night. I wish the whole world could see what I saw. I know that God has chosen you for a task that needs awesome faith and strength. I pray each day that God will give you comfort and help. I am also expecting my 2cd grandchild the same time as you. It is also a difficult pregnancy with problems and we are also praying that God intercedes for us and allow this baby good health and life. I feel such a connection with you and I just want you to know that God is using us in such a special way and we will all be blessed in a special way that we may not see yet.
    Thanks for sharing your life stories and helping so many see God in our lives.
    Peace, my friends,
    Vickie (Celena’s MOM)1977-2003

  • Suzanne W.

    I’ve been following your blog for a few months now. Like many others I am praying for you and your family. This blog struck my heart for many reasons, mainly because I am the mom of a very special needs child & I too found out during pregnancy. Thankfully I alway “knew” he would be fine-not typical, but fine. That “momma instinct” as many call it (I call it divine knowledge) can be a very interesting thing-as wonderful as it is painful. I know that while her time here is most likely going to be very short, your special little girl is going to make a very special & big impact on a huge number of people. I pray that God’s plan includes a miracle and she reamins with you for a very long time. With your knowledge I also pray that your family, especially you mommy, have all the strength you need and more to get thru this time. Bless you all.

  • Lindsey

    I continue to be amazed at your strength, courage, and faith. Audrey Caroline will have an amazing legacy. God Bless your family!

    Still praying…

  • Anonymous

    Little children who pass away before they are accountable are redeemed. With little children who are taken away in infancy and innocence before they have reached the years of accountability, and are not capable of committing sin, the gospel reveals to us the fact that they are redeemed, and Satan has no power over them. Neither has death any power over them. They are redeemed by the blood of Christ, and they are saved just as surely as death has come into the world through the fall of our first parents. …

    … Our beloved friends who are now deprived of their little one, have great cause for joy and rejoicing, even in the midst of the deep sorrow that they feel at the loss of their little one for a time. They know he is all right; they have the assurance that their little one has passed away without sin. Such children are in the bosom of the Father. They will inherit their glory and their exaltation, and they will not be deprived of the blessings that belong to them; for, in the economy of heaven, and in the wisdom of the Father, who doeth all things well, those who are cut down as little children are without any responsibility for their taking off, they, themselves, not having the intelligence and wisdom to take care of themselves and to understand the laws of life; and, in the wisdom and mercy and economy of God our Heavenly Father, all that could have been obtained and enjoyed by them if they had been permitted to live in the flesh will be provided for them hereafter. They will lose nothing by being taken away from us in this way. …

    With these thoughts in my mind, I take consolation in the fact that I shall meet my children who have passed behind the veil; I have lost a number, and I have felt all that a parent can feel, I think, in the loss of my children. I have felt it keenly, for I love children, and I am particularly fond of the little ones, but I feel thankful to God for the knowledge of these principles, because now I have every confidence in his word and in his promise that I will possess in the future all that belongs to me, and my joy will be full. I will not be deprived of any privilege or any blessing that I am worthy of and that may be properly entrusted to me. But every gift, and every blessing that it is possible for me to become worthy of I shall possess, either in time or in eternity, and it will not matter, so that I acknowledge the hand of God in all these things, and say in my heart, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord” [see Job 1:21]. This is the way we should feel with regard to our children, or our relatives, or friends, or whatever vicissitudes we may be called to pass through.

  • Stacy

    Angie~
    I just found your blog & I am beyond words. My prayers are with you all & your faith in Christ is such an amazing testimony!

  • Lonnie and Melissa Haber

    Your blog is always so deep and full of emotion. I heard an amazing sermon today regarding Genesis 40 and 41. In order for God’s Blessings to be poured on Joseph and his family, he had to under go a second stint in prison (a place he had already experienced once and knew that he did not want to experience it again). This was his Chapter 40. His 41 was filled with many Blessings. It rained 40 days and 40 nights while Noah and his family were on the Arc. The 41st day, the rain stopped. Jesus prayed for 40 days in the desert, only to come out as the one and only Contender to take away our sins. The numbers 40 and 41 hold tremendous significance for us. We all go through a chapter 40, but there is an amazing chapter 41 ahead of us. You have been so strong and so obedient to God during your 40. You are truly an amazing Christian woman. I know that your 40 is much more than many of us have had to experience, but due to your determination to not compromise, your 41 will be GREAT!

  • Liz

    I began reading your blog a few weeks ago & I am honored to be a part of this journey with you. I, too, had wondered if you were familiar with “Held”, so it’s cool to see that you do & the direction that went with the new song & ministry possibilities in the future. Please check into http://www.griefshare.com & find a local class. It’s an awesome ministry & one I’m sure that you guys would benefit from later on.

  • paige

    sweet angie, what a bittersweet tender moment for you—the song, what an amazing perfect beginning of a legacy for audrey.
    thank you for sharing your heart & allowing us the priveledge to intercede for you.
    your family is often on my mind….praying now…

  • Anonymous

    We are praying for you. Hoping that God will carry you when you cannot stand anymore. Something that gave me comfort in the days, weeks, months and years after my brother died unexpectedly was the shortest verse in the bible. “Jesus Wept.”

    If our Lord knew the pain of grief, it must certainly be okay for me to feel the pain, even with the hope of the ressurection in my heart and soul. It must be okay for me to cry, to truly grieve, even though I know I will see him again.
    xx
    Melinda

  • Tabitha

    Angie,
    I came across your blog today and was so taken by it, that I have sat and read the whole thing. I cannot deny that I shed a few tears whilst reading. Your faith is truly amazing and you are so strong. My heart is with you. Thank you for sharing your story. I will be praying for you over the coming weeks.
    With warmest wishes,
    Tabitha

  • Heather Paulsen

    Your blog was just sent to me and I am sitting here balling.

    Praying for you and your family!!!

    Praying that you can continue to walk through this season with God’s grace!

  • Harris Family

    You have been in my prayers since I first started reading your blog. My sweet sister, my heart breaks for you. But, it blesses me everytime I read how the Lord is using your pain. The Lord did not choose the wrong servant, He has the perfect plan. It brings tears to my eyes everytime I read how He is working in your life.

  • Anonymous

    Dear Angie, When I was 9, my mother died of a stroke. She hadn’t been sick, she just didn’t get up one Saturday morning. As devastating as it was for me and my siblings, I remember my grandfather had to be sedated. I thought at the time, “No parent should have to bury his child.” At 40, I still feel that, and your story makes my heart scream that line. And, yet, our heavenly Father feels our pain, and willingly gave His only Son for us, which reminds me that He knows more about pain than I could ever imagine. Audrey’s story has already taught me so much and has stirred my soul. I’m sure she’ll continue to do so. Thank you for sharing her and yourself.

  • Anonymous

    I dont know what to say. Please know that your words are profoundly impacting the lives of others. Her legacy has already began.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    I am praying for you. The Lord would not allow me to sleep one night and led me to your website for the first time to catch your blog from February 28, 2008. I am honored to pray for you and your precious girls and family. God is in conrol and I am blown away to hear and see your faith in Him through this and know that He is in control and wants what is best. I have so much to learn. Please know I am praying for you! God Bless

  • Wendi

    Angie,
    My heart beats passionately for ministries such as the one you may be embarking upon for those who have lost children. You put it so well, that knowing Audry will have a legacy makes such a difference for you.
    When we lost our 10 day old son I grieved so deeply. Honestly, when I saw him in the small white box that would be his final resting place it was all I could do not to just climb in with him. A year and a half later when I was asked to speak at our hospital’s memorial walk, honoring and reaching out to those who had experienced the loss of a baby, I wes so humbled. It gave our experience purpose. I thank God for the oportunities he has given me since then and I know some day he will use our journey even more.
    I am praying for you. God brings your family to mind so often!

  • Anonymous

    I am so sorry about everything you are having to go through. I have just read your blog for the first time, my heart is aching and I can’t stop weeping. I’m a small time photographer and was wondering if you have heard of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org)? It was started by a woman photographer who has gone through the exact same thing you are. From what I understand its suppose to be really helpful.
    On a side note…..my husband went on an emmaus walk in Findley Ohio about 9 years ago. They played nothing but Selah music for the walk, my husband was saved that weekend. Our third child is named Selah.
    You and your family will be in our prayers.

  • LInda

    There are never enough words to say that will make this walk easier to bear – but know that you have never walked it alone – He is with you & so are lots of brothers & sisters that you most likely will never meet on this earth. Praying for all of you today & in the days ahead.

  • Anonymous

    My name is Holly and my husband is Burleigh-he grew up in the Congo and remembers your husband. I don’t know how I found your blog but as I sat reading this morning I began weeping for you. I will be praying for you and your family as you deliver this precious little one.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • Brandon & April

    Still praying….

    Lord Bless and Keep this family during this trying time. Give them peace, guidance, wisdom, & strength. When they are beyond words to speak to you, give them comfort in knowing that there are many interceding on their behalf.

  • The Williams

    I just came across your blog through a friend of a friend. I wanted to tell you that my family has added you to our prayer list. I can not fathom what you are going through but wanted to tell you that you and Audrey are an inspiration! What an amazing woman and Mother you are to glorify God against all odds. Know that we are praying for you, your little Audrey and your entire family.
    God bless,
    Tracy

  • K K’s Kreation’s

    Praying for your entire family, without ceasing. During “those moments” remember Psalm 46:10 and when ‘fear’ comes to mind, try to hold on to Isaiah 41:10. With His Everlasting Amazing Love, Kaye

  • Kimberly

    Your whole family is in my prayers. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I pray you get your miracle. My heart hurts for you!

  • Anonymous

    Just came to your blog after looking for clarification on concert info — my wife is going to the Willmar concert. I’ve only been able to read a bit so far — it’s very intimate and takes a bit to be able to take it in. We lost several unborn children before having our son, and have had several close calls with him (and still have ongoing health issues). In what I’ve read so far, there were many links to incidents in our experiences. (One recent entry mentioned “Held”, which I remember hearing and crying over when doctors didn’t know how to help or whether our son would live.) Thank you for sharing your faith, your struggle, your journey. Know that God is already working powerfully though this throughout the world, and that the body of believers lifts you up to Him who strengthens us.

  • Nanette

    Our mutual friend Tiffany introduced me to your blog because my husband and I just delivered our son Hudson on February 10. Reading your blog amazes me at how many similarities there are in our stories. Needless to say, Hudson died after 2 hours of life. We had him less than 24 hours from 21 weeks of pregnancy.

    My heart is with you during this time and I pray that God will give you the peace He has given us. It is not easy and the pain (7 weeks later) does not go away. But, He is faithful and believe it or not, He uses our little ones (living) to minister to our soul daily. If I didn’t have my little Caroline to teach me the thoughts of God, I’m not sure that I would have held together as I have.

    Please know from one who has experienced your pain, we are here but a moment and we’ll have all eternity to spend getting to know our little ones. When from the get-go we surrender them to their rightful Father, we can find strength in the knowledge that they are and will be truly in His care. Some days I survive only by knowing that my Hudson is in the arms of Jesus; who better to care for him?

    You are loved!

  • Anonymous

    have you ever heard of the now i lay me down to sleep foundation? you should check them out they do some amazing things for families like yours. http://www.nilmdts.org

  • Amanda

    Your fortitude is remarkable, but despite that, I am extraordinarily sorry for your situation. I cannot imagine the pain associated with anticipating a loss like this.

    For the most part, death took us by surprise. We had a few hours of warning, and I know the begging I did in those hours was hard enough. I can’t even begin to imagine the process you’ve gone through.

    I understand how highly improbable it is that this makes any sense at all, and perhaps it never will. I can say with utmost certainty that God is absolutely faithful and will carry you through the days you cannot carry yourself.

    I’ll be thinking of you Monday, and praying. I’ll think of you on holidays and while swimming and when nails are being painted, and when you come to mind, I’ll pray. God will meet you where you’re at, no matter how dark or dismal that place seems.

    I’ll also pray for your remaining children. Those who remain are remarkably resiliant. Now is not the time, but there was a book that helped our little ones (ages 4 and 6 when our son died) process things. It’s called, “We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead.” It can be found here (http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/angel_instead.htm) when you’re ready.

  • NANCY

    I wish I knew your full story, but what I’ve read touched me deeply. I will be praying for you and your family that God will sustain you. Our daughter is 19 yrs old, Autistic and deaf. Life has been incredibly difficult, but God has been faithful to draw me near to Him through the situation. I trust He will do the same for you!
    In His Holy Name,
    Nancy

  • Lauren

    I just wanted to let you know that I am continuing to pray for your sweet baby and your family

  • Jenni Saake

    What a beautiful gift! Yes, your daughter does have a legacy, both in this song, in this blog, and in every heart God is, has and will continue to touch through your family’s story! I just read a comment on another one of your blog posts about a woman who accepted Christ 15 years ago but has only felt “free” for the very first time after your testimony about your fears and anxiety. By your willingness to cast all this grief, pain heartache and cares upon Him, then unselfishly share such a personal journey with us, she has a legacy in touching hearts for the Lord more than any mother could ever hope for her child!

    If/when you are ready to start searching out bereavement ministries and conferences, I would be honored to share several with you. My husband and I launched Hannah’s Prayer Ministries ( http://www.hannah.org ) in 1995 and I have been so blessed to work with many other Christian bereavement ministires and organizations over the years. While God has moved our family to other areas of ministry over the years, such ministries will forever hold a very tender place in my heart.

    As you head home from the hospital today with empty arms and a heavy heart, please know you are being upheld in prayers from all around the globe. {{{hugs}}}

    Jenni Saake
    author, http://www.HannahsHopeBook.com Seeking God’s Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss