Daily Bread

The other day, my friend Jess was over at my house and we were talking about the blog. She really encouraged me to post about what life looks like for us these days, and I thought it was a good suggestion. The past few weeks have been filled with “normal” moments, along with all of the extreme highs and lows. I took the girls on a “nature walk” the other day and they got to bring little baggies with their names on them to fill with treasures that we found along the way. I tried to explain the difference between dead, alive, and dormant. It was somewhat productive, although Ellie came within a few inches of chopping the heads off a neighbors daffodils before we modified the rules of the walk…

We have also been to the zoo, bounced around at birthday parties, grocery shopped, and many other mundane, day-filling activities. It is the “in-between” of life these days. I would love to invite you to be in these moments as well as the others, and that is why I am posting this little clip of our family. I hope you enjoy it:)

I also have 2 prayer requests..the first one is what all lifelong Christians (I have learned) refer to as an “unspoken.” For some reason that always makes me laugh because I like to pray for very specific things, and I had trouble as a new believer when people would say that at Bible Study and then I would go home and sit on my bed and rattle off all of these detailed requests and then I felt kind of silly just saying “And the ‘unspoken…’” It sounds kind of ominous to me. And I would rather sit at my kitchen table with some tea and talk about what was really going on. I’m not really an “unspoken” kind of person. I am an eye-to-eye, weep with you kind of person. Someone emailed me and asked about my background, and you probably won’t be surprised to know that I have my Master’s Degree in Developmental Psychology. As a sidebar, I also minored in English in college, and always dreamed of being a writer, so all of your kind words in this area have really meant a lot to me. People have asked me why I never did it, and I guess the answer is that I never really felt like I had found the thing that made me feel brave enough to try…that is, until my sweet Audrey reminded me who I was.

Regardless of my little diversion there, I would really appreciate your prayers tomorrow for a dear friend who is walking a “narrow road” of her own. So it isn’t really “unspoken”, but rather “semi-spoken.” That’s better.

The second prayer request is for my ultrasound tomorrow. It is a big one, because we will be meeting with Dr. Fortunato and talking about “the plan” from here on out. I still feel like I have so many questions and not enough clarity on any of the options, and so I am praying that I will feel direction in our decision making. This sweet baby girl, so much a part of our family, we want to respect her life in the most glorifying, beautiful way. We want to choose the best for her in any situation where we have a choice. We are all in love with her…how do you plan to lose someone who has already become a part of you? As we near what may be the end of the journey, we weep for our loss and heaven’s gain. I ordered a “resting gown” for Audrey the other day because I suddenly realized that we would have nothing to bury her in. The next day I felt terrible, like maybe I wasn’t diving for His cloak the way I should be.

Please pray that the conversations we have tomorrow will honor every bit of her life, and that we would all be willing to fight for her if God provides the opportunity. Pray for guidance in finding the middle ground between “plannng for loss,” and “hoping for miracles.” It has proved to be the most difficult part of my spiritual walk thus far.

Every time we walk into that office, I feel like it might be the day that they tell us that things are much better than they thought, and that God has healed her. I am crying while I type this, because I cannot even let my thoughts wander to the place where she would get to stay with us, and yet I want to ask you to beseech the King on our behalf. We believe that the Great Physician is still on the throne, and it is my greatest desire tonight that He would hear all of our voices pleading with him on behalf of a little girl, and that He would bless us with a miracle. I have felt your presence with me, friends, and I have felt your prayers. I am forever grateful to be able to type a few words and mobilize groups of people to pray for Audrey. Thank you so much for this offering…

I will definitely post tomorrow and update you on the appointment (it is at 1:00pm).

Humbly, gratefully, and in hope,
Angie


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  • Anonymous

    Hi Angie,

    I will certainly be praying for you and your family as you go for your ultrasound in the morning. I just love hearing what is on your heart and how we can pray for you. Much love, Ashley Ethridge

  • touchofglory

    Angie,
    Every “problem” I have seems so trivial compared to what you face every day, yet you handle things with such strength and grace. I will be praying for you tonight and tomorrow as you go for your ultrasound. Thank you for sharing so honestly the desires and fears of your heart!
    God bless!
    Melissa H.

  • whocanfind?

    Angie, It’s Andrea Wandell, from the Nathan, Andrea, Grace, and Ben Wandell clan from our community group at Grace.
    I won’t say much. Just hear my heart in that we are crying out for you and with you. We love you all. Angie, your words of hope and sweet praise of this precious time with precious Audrey is incredibly touching to us, to me, right at this moment, and I want you to know that. We’re praying, okay? We’re here too.

  • Anonymous

    I cry along with you tonight as I read your blog. You and your family are CONSTANTLY in my prayers and in my thoughts.

    Love all the way from California,
    Lindsey

  • Julie

    I wanted to comment as someone who knows what it’s like to take the long journey through pregnancy only to end up with empty arms. In Sept. of 2006 I excitedly delivered a full term baby girl, only to lose her at the finish line due to an umbilical cord accident. We were completely caught off guard and I’ve often wondered if I knew the end result ahead of time, if I could have gone on. One thing I know for sure is that it definitely would not have been with such amazing strength and grace as you’ve displayed here. My heart goes out to you as you prepare to say hello and goodbye.

  • Keri

    Angie,
    I found your blog through Jody Ferlaak’s blog. I’ve since read every one of your entries. It took me awhile to figure out the connection with Selah, when I did it hit a little more home with me. My sister, Cyndi Parker, and your husband were friends in high school. Through the years, she has spoken of him with the very highest respect and I had a chance to meet Todd in Houston at a “Brown Bag Lunch” at a local mall.

    I know this may all seem silly, but in the wonderful, but random world of blogland, it is interesting to have a surprising connection to someone. Please know that my whole family (my parents were big fans of Todd in high school as well) will be praying for you guys.

    Your blog has inspired and encouraged me. Thank you for your transparency and honesty.

    Keri

  • Marcie

    I also found you through Jody Ferlaak’s blog. I’ll be praying tomorrow – even factoring in our time zone difference – as you go in for your sonogram. He is indeed the Great Physician. He is able. Most of all, He loves you beyond measure and holds you tight. May you feel His embrace and experience peace beyond all understanding.

    Praying for a miracle,
    Marcie in Arizona

  • Kim

    Praying and praying some more.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,

    My prayers are with you. I’d never heard Selah until they came to Canandaigua. What a blessing…Audrey’s head is full of the sounds of Selah and your love for her, as she hears it each and everyday. Your strength and gift for writing is amazing. You are in the palm of His hand. Love, Cyn-d

  • Cassie

    I found your blog through Jody’s as well…and your story is so amazing. The faith that you and your family have is phenomenal…We have you and little Audrey in our prayers daily..

  • LC

    Constant prayers for you today….God is Bigger!

  • Joy

    Angie, my heartfelt prayers are going out to you this week and ever since I found your blog from Jody Ferlaak.

    I’ve sat by the bed of an infant girl, struggling exactly where you are — do you try to accept the very real possibility of losing her or do you pray for a miracle, or both? And HOW do you do both? It’s like being torn into pieces. I found myself praying this way, and wanted to share my prayer with you. It is how I’m praying for you and Todd and the girls as we all wait to see what He does.

    Father, you tell us in Philippians 4:4-7 “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

    Oh Father God, we know that you give each of us children for a time. Each one is really yours — You have honored us by appointing us as stewards of them during this life. God, you are a Father and you know how much we love these precious gifts from You. While we know that You will call them back to you in Your perfect timing, we struggle to let go when that time seems to us to come much too soon.

    In these verses You have told us not to worry but to bring our requests to you. We plead with You now to leave our precious daughter with us, her earthly parents, just a little while longer. Please strengthen and heal her body, and bring her back to her family here. Give the doctors and nurses skilled and accurate hands as they work on her today and give all of us wisdom to make good decisions.

    You also promise to give us peace when we leave our requests in Your hands. Please give us and our families that surpassing peace to trust You and to trust our daughter with You, no matter what You choose to do with her life and with ours. May those who watch us see and be amazed at You alone, and may people be drawn to You. We thank You for choosing us to be Your representatives here in this hospital and to the other families around us. Thank you for being our Rock and our shelter in the midst of these storms. Amen.

  • Anonymous

    Angie..I’ve been listening to David Jeremiah and his series on “fear” and what we might dread most. Yesterday he directed us (and I still need to go there) to read Psalm 34. I’m not sure, as I stated, what the words really say. I’d shared this with a friend who is going through some “stuff”..really big stuff from human eyes.
    Thank you for giving some “background” about yourself (smile). I’m wondering if God didn’t have you in a “waiting room” of sorts before releasing you to do that writing you used to dream about.
    I am praying as I read your post AND as I type my response to you! Something came to mind just this morning as I was praying for “my” requests during my QT…and I was reminded that the Lord of ALL Creation is interested in the very smallest details in our lives. He is there along beside you today as you go about the ‘everyday’ activities AND also in that doctor’s visit. Oh…and “unnamed” requests also are honored as well. May your friend also be touched by the Master’s hand!!
    Blessings from Wisconsin…..

  • Tina Vega

    Angie – I’m praying for you as well…

  • Jody

    I remember praying for Teagan ‘back’ many times after she died…fully trusting God for a miracle. In time I began to have a changed heart and my prayer became one that was more ‘in sync’ with what God would have me pray. I learned to pray “Thy will be done” and in so doing it was peace that filled my heart. It’s that lesson of surrender that we find ourselves ‘conformed’ to His plan. I am praying for you each day and know that God will be with all of you each step of the way.
    May you find God’s mercy and grace to be perfect at this time- and may you be blessed with each decision you have to make.

  • karen44

    Angie: As strong as you appear to be in these blogs, I’m sure there are times when you just crumble under the weight of this “trial” that God has given you. You have such a strong faith. But like Peter said, “Lord, to whom shall we go?” You’ve got no other choice than to press on. But praise God — you are!

    Lord, be with Angie and Todd today as they talk to the doctors once again. We pray for a miracle of healing in Audrey. We see what a blessing she’s been to her family and everyone else who’s heard her story, even before she’s born. We pray that You would choose to bring her into this world whole, so that her life after her birth would speak as loudly as her days in the womb.

    But we know that You have a plan for Audrey. And we pray that Your will would be done. We pray that You would give Todd and Angie the grace, wisdom, peace and comfort that only You can provide. We thank you in the strong name of Jesus. Amen.

  • paige

    dear angie, even though i’ve obviously never met you…i feel like i know you well. you make your heart so “visible” for all those around you. you have obviously made your life a sacrifice & you are a living testimony to a godly woman with a gentle & quiet heart.
    praying for you today, in atlanta

    xo

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Robin, Tommy, & Manze

    I’m sending many prayers to you and your family!

  • Shane and Kathy Gebhardt

    You are definitely in my prayers. I admire your courage and you have such a way with words. You are so strong! I believe that God has a wonderful plan and it will all be revealed in His timing.

    Just trust in Him and you will be comforted. I will continue to pray and I will wait with anticipation regarding your next post.

    God’s Blessings.

  • Anonymous

    I just said another prayer for you and your family; as well as your doctor. Know that you are loved and cared for by many. My heart hurts for you and I continue to pray for God’s love and comfort to cover you up.

  • Becca

    Hi Angie,

    When you wrote “resting gown” I misread it as “restoring gown.”
    I thought to myself, what a great way to think of that garb.

    When I reread your words, I realized my mistake. But I don’t think it was a mistake; I think God intended me to read it as “restoring.” Because that’s what will happen if….

    Audrey will be restored, as we all will when we rest with Jesus.

    Your words and journey are an inspiration to me. I’ve been praying for you, your daughter, and the rest of your family.

  • TwoScoutMom

    I can not imagine what you’re going through. you’re (all) in my prayers…

  • Carrie

    Please know you are in our prayers today. We are relatively new to your blog and yours and Audrey’s journey has touched my heart deeply. Standing with you in spirit….

  • Three Fold Cord

    I just found your blog and I am touched in so many ways!!
    I too am pregnant and have had a feeling different about this one then my other two and have been very careful with who i share it with. I am only 15 weeks and I actually felt the baby move yesterday.
    Girl, my heart has been praying for you since I started reading and that was almost an hour ago now.
    The honesty in how you write captures me and I feel like I am sitting with you. I will continue to pray for you all!!

  • Lindsay/aggiebonfire00

    Oh my. Your writing left me breathless. You are absolutely amazing. I don’t know how you stay so strong in your faith when so many others would just stray. You are truly a woman after God’s own heart.

    You do not know me, but I will lift your family and your precious Audrey up in my prayers. My heart aches for what you are going through.

    P.S. I found you through Jody Ferlaak’s webpage.

  • Marlee Belle

    Found you through Adrienne. Just wanted to let you know (& I hope you don’t mind) I linked your blog on my blog. I have lots of prayer warriors reading over there and really wanted to make sure they knew where to find you. I am personally praying for that miracle!! May the Lord Bless and Keep your family.

  • Jiggy

    Dear Angie,
    I found your blog through Jody as well and hav been sharing it with everyone I know…prayers are being said for you and your family in all corners! Today I was at work (I am the worship ministry assistant at a church in GA) and we were cleaning out a storage closet today when I came across a stack of music books that I had never seen before there were wedding song books, Mercy Me song books, and at the bottom of the stack was a Selah song book and there was your precious husband’s face and I immediatly whispered a prayer for you guys. I am in awe of how God has worked through you and this precious girl. Know that you will be in my prayers tomorrow and in the coming days. I am asking for clarity and direction in the many decisions that you will face in the coming days. God bless you and your family! Jiggy from GA

  • Just a simple gal

    You know Angie, your updates always touch my heart…”how do we prepare for loss while hoping for miracles”? made me think of my family’s journey this past summer with both parents very – very ill and knowing for about six weeks that my dad wasn’t going to recover and the only way I could make it was to totally surrender the whole situation moment by moment to my Lord [but that's not to say that I didn't question and/or tell Him what I thought should happen at least once / day too-- I'm human!] But I [so] agree with Jody – that this is the ONLY way to feel His peace that gets us through the unthinkable…and I see your surrendering in each blog post… I continue to lift you up – and lately [this week] have been praying for YOUR safety as you travel the rest of the road. I’m sure you found out more today and I KNOW the Lord will watch over you, but I’m lifting you up especially in that regard these days and struggled with whether I should put it in words or not but also want to encourage others to pray for this too…I also loved the idea of a ‘restoring gown’ because that’s how I think of my dad now – fully restored and praising at the feet of Jesus!He was blind, confused at times, with difficulty hearing and had dropped to about 96 # when he passed – so I LOVE knowing that he is fully restored and loving our Lord! [while I read Jody's blog -- what incrediable Godly wisdom she has--- I found yours through Jessica's] ~ J

  • Ali

    I know I am 5 years behind, but I first heard your story from the WOF stage in KC last Saturday. I’m in “the deep” myself right now and I had gone to the top of the Sprint Center where I could digest the speaker’s message privately. All of the messages hit me in some way. It was an emotional day for sure. I spoke the words of your prayer right along with you and have been working hard this past week. I decided last night I wanted to read your blog about Audrey. This date is the exact day I lost my best friend, my mom to cancer, 03.13.08. As I said, I know I’m 5 years late discovering this, but even so I’m still praying for you as I read Audrey’s story. Thank you for sharing.

  • Ali

    I know I am 5 years behind, but I first heard your story from the WOF stage in KC last Saturday. I’m in “the deep” myself right now and I had gone to the top of the Sprint Center where I could digest the speaker’s message privately. All of the messages hit me in some way. It was an emotional day for sure. I spoke the words of your prayer right along with you and have been working hard this past week. I decided last night I wanted to read your blog about Audrey. This date is the exact day I lost my best friend, my mom to cancer, 03.13.08. As I said, I know I’m 5 years late discovering this, but even so I’m still praying for you as I read Audrey’s story. Thank you for sharing.

  • Copley95

    I understand this place where you were. I once prayed a last plea over the life of my three year old son who died tragically in a car accident. I still struggle many days with this prayer as in the end it was prayed your will be done, although this is how we should all respond to the trials God lays at our feet I can’t help but feel as though I let down an opportunity to pray you will be healed in Jesus name in complete faith of His healing powers. His plan was not my own and I now find solace in the loving hands of the Father who allows me to seek peace and comfort even when I back peddle and allow guilt to take back the situation that I handed over to Him, praise God for His comfort and understanding. He holds every tear and forgives me when I allow myself to doubt His plan for my life.