So Much More

I really meant to update last night. We ended up getting home really late, and we were exhausted….we quickly discovered that the night was young…and here’s why!!!!

First, (and most important!), my sister-in-law Nicol welcomed her sweet baby boy into the world last night. We saw a picture of him, and I can tell you that he is BEAUTIFUL. Congratulations, Nicol (and Greg and Summer!). I would tell you his name, but as I type this, they are still undecided…I’ll keep you posted!

Secondly, we got a puppy. He is a Golden Retriever and his name is Sawyer. We are completely in love. Jody, you win the grand prize:) I had planned to fill up this update with stories about him, because he is good, good medicine. We spent an hour and a half out at a farm in Sparta, Tennessee watching the girls play with all of the puppies in the litter. It has been a long time since they laughed like little girls should. I spent most of the night sleeping next to his cage, because as long as I was in eyesight, he wouldn’t cry. Today I had a play-date with three of my best friends, and then enjoyed time outside trying to fly a kite while Sawyer chased the girls around and got to know his new stomping ground. I will post some pictures tomorrow…you cannot help but smile when you look at his sweet face.

There is so much of me that wants to stop here, because today was the hardest day since we found out that Audrey was sick. I knew it was going to be a day of big moments, but I wasn’t prepared (and how can you be?) for the toll that it would take on me.

We met with Susannah to discuss the road ahead…to be brutally honest, I don’t have the strength to share all of it here. I actually wouldn’t have written at all, but I believe that you will pray for us, and we need it desperately.

I hope to give you all more details when I have processed things, but here is what we are moving toward. Everyone is in agreement that I will need to have a C-Section, and that it would probably be wise to plan when we want to do that because of Todd’s schedule. Dr. Trabue and Susannah had looked at my ultrasound scans from last week, and we had to talk about some hard truths. Please join us in asking God for peace about these decisions. We are leaning toward the middle of April for several reasons, but we don’t feel like we have confidence in this. My mind and spirit need to rest tonight.

We spent the evening recording a song that we wrote for Audrey. Amy, Allan, and Jason, we are forever indebted to you for sacrificing yourselves. Your hard work and dedication reminded us that suffering reveals the beauty of God’s body of believers.

I have been trying to type this for an hour, and I can’t seem to get more than a few words into a sentence before I drift off mentally.

It is after midnight, and I need to just be in prayer for a little while…please join me. No doubt God will meet us there, and will redeem this brokenness the way that only He can.

Thank you for caring and for praying…
Angie


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  • Amy

    I couldn’t sleep and thought I would check your blog. Clearly God has me up for a reason.

    Praying for you tonight…

  • Melody

    Angie,
    I just learned of your blog today from a friend, and I just wanted to let you know how blessed I am by your strength and your faith. I know that that all of this must be so incredibly overwhelming, but you have a strong army of believers praying for your beautiful baby and lifting your family up. Thank you for sharing so much so that we can keep you in prayer, and I pray that you are strengthened as you go through what is undoubtedly the hardest days you’ve ever faced. I will be thinking of you and our family will keep you all in our prayers. God bless you. Melody

  • prissi

    My heart is with you, Angie, as are my prayers… and as is our great and wonderful God, holding you and holding Audrey. Be strong…

  • staceyfike

    i found you through our mutual friend jessica
    your writing is so eloquent and it touches me deeply, i have been praying for you
    sending you my love.

  • 5KidMom

    I haven’t commented before, but please know that I am praying tonight. May you find rest in His peace.

  • Annie

    Praying with and for you, Audrey, and your family. I pray God’s peace be with you as you make some REALLY tough decisions. I also pray that God will bless your family through this awful time.

    Love and prayers,
    Annie

  • Stephanie

    Hi,
    I’m a friend of Adrienne’s and have been following your story for a few weeks. I am also pregnant (with my second child), married to a former touring musician (who is now a worship leader and home for good), and have a golden retriever. It seems we have a lot in common! My dog is older now, but the first night that he was a puppy I slept on the porch with my hand in his cage, while he rested against it. As long as I was with him he didn’t cry. I think we may have done that a few nights actually. At age 5 his bed is in our room, but I remember the puppy nights well. We got our dog because we didn’t yet have children, Brian was touring, and I was lonely. He was good medicine for me back then, too.

  • Anonymous

    A puppy! What a great idea!!! His name sounds adorable, and believe it or not–he will bring great peace to you when you need it the most. Dogs just have a way of doing that. He’ll love you when you feel at your lowest. Make-up or no make-up, fat, skinny, sick or tired…..he’ll just be there loving you…..and the girls and Todd. And since he’s a Golden….he’ll be there loving the mail-man, the septic tank cleaner man, the electricians, the lawn people etc etc. Har har.

    Sorry, Angie, that you are aching. I feel it, as a Mom, and though we could all cry for you….we know it doesn’t take away your terrible hurt.

    Here’s a scripture or two that may help:

    “…He will not break the bruised reed, nor quench the dimly burning flame. He will encourage the fainthearted, those tempted to despair.” Isaiah 42:3

    “…Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;…And by His stripes we are healed….” Isaiah 53:4-5

    And finally,

    “…I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you….” Psalm 32:8

    We are all out here praying for you, Angie. Heavenly Father, in His magnificent love, will certainly guide you…

    Prayerfully,
    Becky Cain

  • Michelle

    sometimes I dont know what to say, there really is nothing. Except…Im praying. I wish it could be more, I wish I had a direct line to Heaven for you. Michelle

  • Julie

    I just recently came upon your blog. I wish I had very eloquent words for you that would heal your heart and take away the aching. I prayed for you just now and I’ve asked God to give you strength, to give you guidance in decisions, and to bring healing.
    Thank you for sharing so that others may grow strong from you example.
    May you have a peace in God that passes all understanding.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    I live in Lexington, Ky and attended the Selah concert at Ashland Baptist. What a blessing! (I was the girl you saw when looking for the restroom behind the stage). You and your family are absolutely beautiful.
    I wanted to say something to you that evening, as I had been reading your blog that afternoon. I am extremely touched by your story and ability to be so open and strong. You have been a witness to me through your writings. I am praying that God will give you peace, stength and wisdom.

    Love in Christ,
    Jamey Rogers

  • Jan

    Getting a puppy was a great idea Angie. I can remember when I got Titan, my beagle, almost eight years ago. I too spent many nights curled up around his cage so that he would rest easy, and so would I. Puppies make you smile and laugh, even when all you want to do is cry. You must post pictures of your girls with their new puppy!
    I’m praying for your’s and Todd strength during this difficult decision time in your life. May God continue to bless you with the enormous amount of passion and dedication to His word like you have had for so long.

    Still Praying,
    Jan

  • Ryley

    I can’t wait to meet Sawyer. And what a cute name for the little guy. Puppies really are great medicine. It’s a little tender mercy that the Lord gives us. They are always a reason to smile. (Until they eat your shoes!!!)
    I know you will have the strength to get through this.. you have come so far, and you have never been left alone. Follow your heart. You know you will make the right decision if you pray about.
    hugs to you…

  • Jane-Jane

    it is an honor to pray for your family. There have been so many times that music, Selah’s too, has assisted God in comforting me in the storms of life…it is now an honor to return the “blessings” and pray for your family.

    hugs and prayers from SC

  • Anonymous

    I am praying for you and your family.
    Joyce, Sarah Rose and Michelle

  • clg0513

    My arms and heart are wrapped around your family right now. Thinking of you guys…even though I don’t “know you”. I came to your blog through Nitty.Gritty and as a former Nashvillian my heart breaks for you all. Are you delivering at Baptist, Vanderbilt or other?
    I had never heard of your hubby’s group – but after listening have become a fan!

  • Laura

    Praying…I do know what a hard road this is….I have been walking this journey for almost 2 years. You are a courageous woman…I know HE is holding you so close. Crying with you even now…praying for strength as well as a great peace for your whole family.

  • Anonymous

    Not that you asked but from the carpet cleaning standpoint of things when little man has an accident on the carpet use half and half of white vinigar and water. It won’t ruin the carpet and will take care of what needs to be done.

  • purplepekie

    Angie, Your story touches me deeply and I ache for you all. I was never able to conceive and it seems I live my dream of motherhood through other people’s children. You have a beautiful family and your courage through this most difficult time in your life is so uplifting. I hold you all up in prayer wish you God’s peace.

  • THE BOONE’S

    Still here…still praying…with everything in me.

    all my heart, Robin

  • Hollie

    I have been praying like crazy for ALL of you! I will be honest…after I read this post I went to Him and I really didn’t know what to say. I want you to know that your words encourage me…more than you will ever know! I am praying your entire family can feel Him holding you in His hands!

  • touchofglory

    There isn’t a day that goes by now that I don’t think of you and your family. We were in Nashville over the weekend (we come there frequently because we only live 1 1/2 hours away), and I wondered about you while I was there. I’m praying for you daily…..
    Melissa H.

  • Jerbecca

    I just came accross your blog through a friend last week and I just wanted to let you know that I am prayong for you contantly as the Lord brings you to my mind. I am amazed by your stregth. As a mom I can’t imagine but I am so thankful that the Lord is allowing you to feed off of Him during this time. One thing that stuck out the most to me was when the doctors first told you and the first thing out of your mouth was that your Jesus is the same today as He was yesterday. I was floored and grateful that He gave you that immediate comfort because I can’t imagine that being my initial reaction. I will continue to pray for your family.
    Rebecca Gilliam

  • karen44

    Angie,
    I noticed it’s a boy puppy — I guess Todd needed a little more testosterone in the house, eh? :o )
    Still praying for you all.
    -karen l.

  • Anonymous

    Angie, Toddd and family ~

    I was lead here from one blog to another and now have your sight marked as “favorite”.

    I wish you love and strength as you make decisions that NO PARENT should ever have to make! Somewhere I know you will find the strength.

    I’m glad you got Sawyer . . . we lost our 1st son following his very premature birth many years ago. Our puppy came along about 4 months later – and you’re right it’s good medicine. :-) Jackson is now a big old dog (11 years old) and has been joined by my 2 subsequent children.

    God Bless you!

    Jodi

  • Alice

    I think this is one of those rare times when I just pray that the Holy Spirit will intercede for you and your family “with groanings that cannot be uttered.” I will pray also for wisdom for you both in these days ahead. Isn’t God good that He gives it to us liberally and without reproach? Continuing to pray for you…

  • The Ben Show

    You are in my prayers. And congrats on the puppy. They can be amazing medicine, can’t they?

  • Erica

    Praying that God will give you peace and assurance that your decisions are the right ones. Praying he will guide you in every moment, clearly and unambiguously.

    may you sleep peacefully tonight, with a lightened heart.

  • Darlene R.

    Sawyer is such a cute little name!Puppies are the cutest.
    I am just so sorry that you and Todd and the girls have to walk through this valley. I will continue to pray for you. My Bible study group lifted you up in prayer on Monday night, as we will do every Monday.
    Blessings to you, Angie.
    Darlene

  • Stephanie

    Angie,
    I’m sorry that you are walking down an even harder road…I am praying for you, asking the Lord to give you peace as you and Todd seek the Lord and honor Audrey. You are a beautiful reflection of God’s grace and your heart just shines through even on your darkest of days. I will continue to pray for you, Todd, and your girls.

    I’m so glad for the distraction of a sweet puppy! We have a golden retriever also, whom we adore, and I know you will get lots of extra love from Sawyer in the days ahead.

    Blessings to you…you are very loved by your Savior and those of us who are sharing in your suffering.

  • Alycia

    This is my first time posting, after finding your blog a few days ago….I want you to know that you have been on my mind and I just stopped after reading your post and asked God to bless you with peace and bind your broken heart in a way that only He can. Our prayers continue on your behalf and for your entire family…

    Prayers from Okinawa, Japan

  • Lizzie Fish

    you don’t know me, but we’ve been following your story and praying for you every step of the way. please know that we will continue to lift your family up.
    all of our love to you,
    the fischer family

  • cris

    Angie-
    our hearts are aching as we read your blog!
    your writing brings back so many memories and i share our story not to squash the hope of a miracle for your Audrey but to testify to the amazing grace of our Sovereign God- He is so good and He is there for us no mater the wind and the storm, His hand is holding you . . .
    Our stories are so very much the same it sounds like our lives three and four years ago . . . we found out when i was 20 weeks pregnant with our first child that i had low amniotic fluid due to the baby’s kidneys or bladder not functioning properly. I know the heartache and the uncertainty of hearing that your baby’s chances of surviving at birth are zero to none but i also know our God still performs miracles and that He will make all things work for the good of those who love him- whether it was life or death for our precious baby. At 39 weeks Rylan David was born crying via c-section. He lived seven hours, and we loved and treasured every minute of his life- singing to him and holding him. One year later our second son was born, same diagnosis during pregnancy and again i delivered at 38 weeks. Weston Reese was born crying and again we sang and loved him all we could until he went to be with Jesus two hours later.
    We have searched for answers and tried to figure out the question of what went wrong? why us? but we only know that God is a sovereign God and he makes no mistakes- he formed our precious boys and he makes no “knitting” mistakes in the womb- ps. 139 (oh how i love that reminder) We are alive to bring Him glory and He wants us to share our testimony so others will get to know Jesus. Its all about Him, not us!
    I just want to encourage you to enjoy your pregnancy with Audrey . . . sing to her, talk to her, love on her as much as you can and when she is born celebrate the miracle of her precious life! She is a miracle whether God gives her life for one day or 97 years! oh and take lots and lots of pictures- they are such a treasure!

    we care so very much and are praying!
    -Crystal
    *if you need someone to talk to email me

  • Marin

    I’m glad to hear you guys got a puppy! That will help just because it makes you smile.

    Angie, Todd…I really don’t know what to say. Sometimes when you’re hurting this much it’s just better to sit, and talk to God, or just listen even. And to know that people are sitting and talking to God with you. I could give a verse, but sometimes it just doesn’t cut it. Not that they aren’t amazing messages from God, filled to the rim with love…but sometimes it just helps to see Him in the simple , everyday things (you two know this). And sometimes you just need someone to say, “That is really really heart breaking…” just so you feel understood, if only for a moment.
    I could give you a verse, but you’ve probably heard so many. I could tell you the famous and true statement we often use, “God doesn’t give you anymore than you can handle,” but I’m not really sure what good it would do as you know this also.
    So I’ll tell you something that Chonda (a Christian comedian) said :) : “From all I can tell of the Bible it says, ‘You will know The truth and The truth will set you free!’”

    I appreciate you telling us the truth and how you’re really feeling on here. I hope it lessens the weight every now and then when you’re able to write (or sing) about this. Thank you for sharing that with us.

    I’m praying for you all.

  • The Arrington Family

    Praying for your entire family during this difficult time. I have prayed that God will give you a peace about all the decisions that will have to be made. Thanks for your sharing your heart. Ashley

  • Emily

    Remembering how it feels to stand where you are and asking God all the same things for you that we asked for ourselves then. He really is big enough. Joy cometh.

  • scrapnic72

    Your faith has impacted me deeply since I found your story. I leave your blog in tears every time, not just because my heart aches for you and your family but because God is real and you have clung to the truth that you are firmly in His grip. What a beautiful story of hope you share, even in the midst of such pain and confusion and brokeness. I pray for you, my Sister in Christ.

    Blessings,
    Nicole

  • Kathy

    I have been so blessed by Selah’s music for many years and was in Loma Linda when Todd shared the need for prayer for you and baby Audrey, and of course the rest of your family. I sat with my sister-in-love while we listened to Todd share Audrey’s story. My sis had just learned she was pregnant again after a miscarriage in the fall. We have kept up with your story since then and have prayed for you during this time that God is most certainly molding you. I am so thankful for your prayers for your readers…I am so thankful for the willingness to be an instrument to allow God to speak to us. You have been chosen for this duty, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is using Audrey to bless so many more than just me and my sis.

    Thank you, Angie, Todd, & your precious girls.

  • Kristen

    Angie, I found your blog a while back through 6 degrees of blog separation or something. I’ve been praying for you all the way in Oregon, and will continue to pray for you and your family. I can’t imagine what you are going through, and I don’t have anything profound to say to help you through this, which is why I will just continue to pray. What I do know is that God has an amazing plan for you and your family.

  • Adrienne and Jim

    Oh Angie, my heart aches for you as I can barely catch my breath imagining you trying to put all of your thoughts and feelings down on paper the plans for Audrey’s entrance into the world. Do you ever just feel like you can’t breathe? How can you truly prepare yourself for something such as this? How blessed we are to have our Father to hold us during times like these, comforting us in our deepest sorrows.

    Your strength continues to amaze me as I know this is the most difficult time you’ve ever faced, yet you continue to hold tightly to your faith in God’s unwavering love, knowing he WILL get you through this, lifting you up amidst the hurt and fear as you go through each day with Audrey.

    I am happy to hear you welcomed Sawyer into your family. What a joyful addition! I’ve always wanted a Golden Retriever (but have always had small dogs), and I love the name Sawyer. I can’t wait to see pictures of him with the girls.

    Congratulations to your sister-in-law on the birth of her baby boy. I bet he IS beautiful and will have the perfect name in time :) I know you are truly happy for her but also know this may be a bittersweet time for you. It’s okay to feel this way and to ask others to be understanding of how you may feel.

    I will check tomorrow to see if you’ve posted again. Take your time. We’ll be here :)

    Lots of love,
    Adrienne

  • KimAbraham

    Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. Our fourth son was misdiagnosed with a fatal genetic condition. We didn’t know until he was born whether it was true or not. Our experience was only a fraction of what you are enduring. But I remember all too well the worried looks, the whispers, the brutal emotions, fears, sadness and finally, when I handed it all over to God, the peace.

    May God bless your family and give you peace which transcends all understanding!

  • friend

    I do not know you at all, only your blog that I got to from another blog but you have been such an inspiration. I cannot for the life of me imagine what you are going through. You are a living and breathing testimony of the words “trust and obey”. God has already used Audrey’s LIFE to be a witness of his power and majesty. I cannot feel your pain for you but I can join you as a sister in Christ in prayer for you and your family, that you will receive peace and that you will be satisfied in Him. The puppy is a wonderful idea. They make you smile even when you don’t want to!
    God bless.

  • Just Me

    I also found your blog through Jody’s (and she probably doesn’t even know I read hers because I don’t even remember how I found it in the first place and rarely leave comments!). Anyway, I am glad you feel you can put your feelings out there, even if they are difficult to write. I have seen online journals/blogs be a tremendous source of healing for people in difficult situations. The prayers will come from near and far to help you through, and fill in the gaps when you are unable to put your thoughts into words. Praying for you, especially as you make these tough decisions.

  • Anonymous

    You don’t know me. But I came across this blog through a link on someone else’s site and I just wanted to let you know that I have been praying for you, your family, and most of all, your precious little baby.

    I have been encouraged by the faith and strength that you’ve shown in spite of such a huge and heartbreaking situation. May God Bless you for your faithfulness.

    I will continue to pray.

    Kristen

  • Honea Household

    You are right…only God can redeem your brokenness. Continue to lean on Him for everything and know that there are SO many people praying for you, including me.

    Love you my dear sister in Christ.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    I just learned of your blog this afternoon through one of your friends & the scrapbooking store. You have blessed me more than I can put in words. I have prayed many prayers for you this afternoon/evening & will continue to lift you & your precious family up in my prayers. Don’t let anyone discourage you about your PRECIOUS Audrey….we do not know what GOD has in store…don’t give up on HER..God is still in control & HE is BLESSING you in spite of what you are going through. I admire you for your strength & your faith in our GOD. HE alone will get you all through the coming days. Please know that our family will be praying for you many times each & everyday. God has a reason for all you are going through….keep your FAITH. I keep checking your blog for updates….I’m praying for a MIRACLE, if that is what HE wants. My favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:11 & I live by it daily. You know the statement, “IF HE can bring you to it, HE will get you through it”. My heart has been touched by your sharing. I love God’s gift of our children & am drawn to babies. Our children are 19 & 23 & I can’t imagine ever having to go through what you are experiencing. Remember we are praying for you. Praying for God’s blessing & HIS Healing power to touch your family. Rose

  • Kathy

    Prayers and hugs.
    So very sorry.

  • Rebecca

    I too am praying for you..for all the unknowns yet to come. Your words have blessed me greatly. I am moved beyond words of the way you are explaining the situation to your children. Peace that passes all human understanding is what I am praying for you. God Bless.

  • Laurie

    Hi Angie,

    A dear friend I have met in blogland sent me your blog site today. I have just finished reading back to the beginning and want you to know that you are now a part of my extended family in prayer. I am so blessed to read of your faith through this and your honesty in the storm. Your three daughters are so precious and I know that your 4th daughter, Audrey, already has her ministry going on safely inside you right now. I am a mother of twin sons, 37 years old, and a grandmother of a 3 year old grandson Isaac, and a 3 month old granddaughter Hannah. Children are my passion in life, and Audrey has touched my heart today. I will be another prayer warrior for you from this day forward. You have my heart. Don’t let go of God ever. He holds you right next to His heart. Please know I will be praying and walking this road with you here. I love how He is teaching you through your daughters, what a pure blessing.

    Love and Prayers, Laurie in Ca.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,

    What a cutie that Sawyer is, I started reading your blog after hearing Selah in concert in Lexington, Ky last Sunday evening and Todd was talking about what you guys were going through know that my prayers are with you.

    Leisa

  • Melissa P.

    just wanted you to know that i continue to check back often and the Lord is faithful to keep you on my heart and mind!
    -melissa platt

  • Anonymous

    My daughter found your blog and shared it with me. Your family’s story is such an inspiration, and I am grateful that you are sharing it. I actually have three babies to pray for now…a grandson who will arrive soon, a friend’s great grandson who was diagnosed with critical heart problems before birth, and your precious Audrey Caroline. I hold them all up to our Heavenly Father throughout the day.

  • Chris

    I first read your blog a few days ago, and as a mother my heart is breaking for you. I shall pray for you daily. I cannot even begin to imagine what you guys are feeling or thinking. May God bless you through these hard days ahead.