Tilted

A few months ago, I got an email from a girl named Sara.  As I read her words, I was struck by the incredible similarities between our stories.  She was pregnant with a little boy (Elliot) who had kidneys that were nonfunctioning, lack of lung development, in a breech position, no amniotic fluid…you get the picture.  Oh, and also, we had the EXACT same due date.  I wrote her back, and what started as a few words back and forth turned into a source of strength for both of us.  We were not alone!  We talked on the phone, and after we hung up, I cried tears of gratitude for this sweet angel that God had brought into my life.  She sent me her picture, and I decided that we were kindred spirits.
Yesterday, Sara gave birth to her beautiful (and I mean BEAUTIFUL!) son Elliot.  I woke up with knots in my stomach, but faith in what God might be up to.  I had to leave the house for a few hours, but before I left, I checked my email and there was an update from her aunts.  It said that he had been born screaming and crying….hmmm…with no lungs?  Yes.  God was up to something here…
I talked to God as I got in my car, as I ran my errands, as I did what mommies do.  All the while, I kept thinking, “What a perfect day for a miracle.”  
On my way home, I got a phone call from Todd.  He sounded serious.  I thought maybe someone had called to update me on Sara and Elliot.  
“Angie, I wanted to let you know that Dr. Trabue’s office just called.  They got the results from Audrey’s blood test. “
Her diagnosis.  I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.  Since early January, we have speculated about syndromes and genetic issues.  We have wondered what this moment would tell us about her and about why she was, as Ellie calls it in prayer, “taken.”
“What did it say?”
“It said nothing, honey.  Nothing was wrong.  There is no diagnosis.  Everything was normal.”
I started to cry.  Softly at first, and then deeply.  Eventually it turned into a form of anger that I haven’t felt for a long time…I guess I was due for a good shouting match with God.
Todd felt terrible.
“I thought it would make you feel better, hon.  Why are you crying?”
“I want a reason.”  I couldn’t see the road through the tears.  I don’t know why, but I needed a diagnosis.  I am the kind of person that wants to understand EXACTLY what is happening.  I can deal with just about anything as long as it can be googled.  I pulled into my driveway and called Audra.  I still had a few more tears left in me.  
After I had gotten myself together a little, I went inside and went straight to the computer to see if Sara’s aunts had written.  They had.
Elliot passed away at 9:05 a.m., about an hour after he was born.
I got that far into the email and I slammed my computer shut. I just felt like the wind had whipped through and knocked me down, deep down into a place I don’t want to be.  A place where the answers are fewer than the questions.  A place where God is hidden, just slightly, by the shadows of this broken life.  It is an easy place to get comfortable, because all of your hurts are justified and the tears give way to doubt while all the while you meant to just pick yourself right back up.   
“You could have let him live! WHY? What was wrong with my baby???What do you have to gain from all of this loss????” I literally screamed at the sky while I cried over my own hurt, and the hurt of a sister who I have never met.  He never backs down, though, and I am grateful for that love.  It is the love of a Father who Himself is well-acquainted with sorrow.  It is the love of a Father Who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door-slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my sweet Audrey.  He knows.
And He only has one request.
Bring it right to me, Angie.
Every time the anger roars in your heart.  Bring it to Me.
Every time you feel like nobody hears you.  Bring it to Me.
When you think it isn’t fair.  When you think it isn’t true.  When you can’t think at all.
Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.  
Yesterday, after I felt like I couldn’t take any more of the storm, Abby came into the kitchen with a drawing she had made for Audrey (they do this several times a day…I think it’s just part of how they are processing).  I looked at it for a few moments and then told her how amazing I thought it was.  She had drawn Audrey under a rainbow, standing by a sign that said “Come see the clowns!”  I’m not sure what the significance of that is, except that Abby did confirm that there are “only clowns in heaven sometimes.” That actually made me feel better, because I think clowns are kind of creepy.
Abby smiled at me expectantly.  I wasn’t sure what she was looking for.
“I want to give it to her, mommy.  I want to put it in her basket.” 
They call her “casket” a “basket,” and we don’t correct them, because frankly, I like the idea of a basket better anyway.
“OK.”  Now what do I say? How am I going to explain this to a 5 year old?
 She looked at me, waiting.
“So..should we put it in the mailbox, mommy? Will the man come and get it?”  
She wanted to understand the details of our new situation, and the truth at that moment was that I did too.
“Well, Abby, the great thing about heaven is that Audrey can see all of the things that we are doing down here.  AND, she can see what you made for her!  She can just look right into our house and see it.”  I waited to see how this felt to her.
Without a word, she spoke life back into my tired bones.
She took the edges of the drawing delicately and lifted it high above her head, closer to her baby sister.  She had her head tipped back, looking upward, and after a few seconds, she closed her eyes and a smile made it’s way across her face.
“She liked it, didn’t she?” I asked her quietly.
She nodded, still glowing, and ran off to play.
I don’t know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this.  If you can just trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece.  And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him.
Please allow my sweet friend Sara and her son Elliot to make their way into your prayers tonight…ever-present Counselor, we have to trust You more that we can explain You sometimes.  
You are good, Lord.
You are good.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
  • Adrienne

    He is good! Your friend and her sweet little guy, Elliot, and her family are in our prayers. God, would You please send Your peace, the only way You know how, to fill their hearts, even in their sorrow, Your peace can reign…
    Continuing to pray for you, Angie, and your family. xoxox

  • brandiwilson

    Hi Angie, I can’t sleep and have been thinking about you all day since you mentioned in yesterday’s post that you’d had a rough day, so I got on to your blog at 12:30AM to check on you. I know there are no words I can say that can take away the pain of losing your precious Audrey, but I’m praying for you and for Sara even as I type. Thank you for the reminder of “bring it to me”. Thank you for the reminder of a lot of things I am still processing after Sunday’s video. I love you as a sister in Christ and will continue to lift you, Todd and your girls up.

    Your “new” girlfriend!!

  • Robin

    Angie,

    You, your husband, your girls, your family, and Sara and Elliot are in my prayers and heart. I am so grateful for you. I cannot imagine the path that you are walking right now but please know you are not alone. Thank you for the reminder of bringing it to God.

  • Cindy

    I just read your story for the first time and I am deeply touched. My best friend Marie is going through a similar situation. Her baby boy, Elijah is due in June. They are told that he was formed with his brain outside his head. http://www.eliajhnathanieldouglas.blogspot.com
    As I lift my friend to the Lord in prayer, I will also pray for you, your family and for Elliot’s famliy too. God Bless You, thank you so much for sharing your story, your precious baby and your faith! xxoo

  • Brittany

    This is, perhaps, one of the most honest things I’ve ever read. Please know that you are not alone when it comes to shouting matches with the Lord. My dear, sweet friend lost her baby in January, and after beginning to read your story, I have experienced my share of such arguments with God. I pray for you and for your family often, it seems that since my first read that not a day has gone by where He doesn’t remind me of you somehow. You demonstrate a faith that I cannot even fathom in a situation like this..I even have added you as a link on my blog, aptly titled “An Account of Overwhelming Faith.” I have cried often for you and rejoiced often with you as God continues to reveal His perfect plan for your lives. Your sweet Audrey made an incredible impact on this broken world. For that, we can be thankful.
    Please know your prayer warriors continue to lift up your family daily.

    Brittany
    Nashville, TN

  • Old DAN AND Little ANN

    What a beautiful oppurtunity the church clip gave you to get one more chance to share about Audrey and her life after you feared the funeral would be your last. I think it is sad how people try not to mention the departed around their immediate families for fear they will wound them when really it is the lack of their mention that causes the greatest pain. I’ve talked about Audrey to my hair stylist, my mom, my girlfriends, my husband … I’ve talked about her and how her life speaks of a merciful God. Even after all the pain, I’m sure you’ve never wished she’d not come at all. She was another of His good and perfect gifts. She grew you in your faith in ways that you would not have even known you lacked and certainly through means you would not have chosen. Of all the things God could have used to teach you and all of us these lessons, of all the things we maybe deserved … in His mercy – He gave us Audrey and taught us these hard truths through her soft, sweet little baby girl life and your hard earned testimony. He truly is a Wonderful, Merciful Savior! I pray that you and Todd continue to be gentle and patient with one another through this grieving process. I know these types of things put strain on a relationship. I will continue to pray for your family.

  • Jen

    Dear Angie, I wish I knew you in ‘real life’. I really do.

    I will add your friend and her precious babe when I pray for you again tonight. You have changed my prayers, you know. I never once thought twice about my childrens health, or the fact that they were born living and whole, and still do so. I am ashamed at how blase` I have been about these precious blessings. Now, when I pray for them, I make sure to add you and your family, and a few other families I have come across as well. It’s only fair… I have 5 perectly healthy kids… I can and must pray for those who are grieving.

    I remember thinking, when I read that precious letter you wrote sweet Audrey, that not only did she have weight in this world, she had such stature in Christ! Your precious wee daughter was and still is a giant of our faith. We all have some very big shoes to fill.

    With much love from Australia.

  • Marc and Charity

    Oh Angie and Todd- I don’t have the words, once again, to say. I don’t understand any of it, don’t understand the “no diagnosis” one bit and I am just sad and angry for you. I have watched both of the videos you posted and I just love y’all. I want to hug you through this dumb screen. I am praying and asking God to continue to be near as you walk this road.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    I have been following your blog for months and have spent many days in tears after reading it. I just needed to tell you what a wonderful woman you are and I pray for you everyday.
    MJ

  • A Stone Gatherer

    I will to all of it!

  • Tricia

    I will TILT toward God today
    I needed that reminder….

  • Anonymous

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul for your honesty and your giving to us. My love and prayers are with Sara and her family in little Elliot’s birth and Homegoing. We have been going through some deep waters here at our house, and your message of “Bring it to me” was much needed. God bless you, Angie, in your daily walk and struggles. I am so glad we belong to Him.
    Becky

  • Bridget =)

    I love the simplicity a child brings to any situation. This time is no different – I love the thought of a basket (that makes me feel so much better too!) and I love the way she holds her drawing up for Audrey. That lifts my heart. =)

    My thoughts and prayers are with Sara and her family, and of course, with your family, Angie.

  • Kimberly

    Your faith is amazing. Thanks.

  • Tina

    Dearest Angie, thank you for this post. If you only knew how I needed it this morning. When I came to the “bring it to me” part I just broke down. I don’t ever want to do that. I always feel He is distant and angry with me which keeps me from coming. Perhaps you could also say a prayer that I will come to Him.

    Praying for you and your dear friend. Oh May God pour out His peace on you both…

  • Tina Vega

    How amazing the Lord is to pair the two of you together – I will pray for Sara and her family.

    The story about your daughter’s artwork is just precious – so trusting, so sure, and so sweet!

  • qUeEn oF tHe cAstLe

    YES! HE is STILL on the throne. Even if things don’t go as we’d planned. He is STILL good.

  • Jess :)

    Oh Angie!! I just want to give you a great BIG hug…and again, I’ve never even met you…my dearest sister in Christ! What I wouldn’t give to just come pick you up and go out for a Starbucks ~ just to have some “girlfriend” time! What a blessing you continue to be to all of those around you.
    I pray for you daily (many times throughout the day) and will be praying for Sara and Elliot, as well.
    Know that you are loved more than you could ever imagine. Please share my hugs and love with your family!

    Love,
    Jess

  • Elena

    A few years ago I learned that “casket” means “bearer of precious goods.” I sort of liked that and thought you would want to know. Prayers for you during this difficult time.

  • The Eckerts

    Thanks so much for this. Spoke right to my heart.

  • Nicki

    Oh sweet Angie………my heart just breaks for you and now your friend. How amazing that the Lord sent you two together during this time, to “carry eachother”. Only the two of you truly know the pain, physically and emotionally you are both feeling. I’m sure it’s a blessing to her as well to know that she isn’t alone. I’m praying for you and for your friend. I think you are handling things in a amazing way!!! You are doing so so so so good with those girly’s. Keep finding life in them!!!

  • Ashley

    Angie,
    Of course I will be praying for Sara and her family, but I also wanted to write something else here…you are an AMAZING mother…the way you explain to your children and delight in them have spoken volumes to me (and I’m not even a mother yet). Thank you for your faithfulness, and thank you for sharing the tears, the screams, the laughter, and smiles!

  • Lindsay St. Pierre

    Amazing! We have been praying and will continue to pray and want to thank you for your words and for choosing God daily even when it hurts and is so hard. It shows the power of that choice and the hope and peace that can be found in any difficult life situation! And what a DAY when we’re all taken to Heaven and reunited with our Saviour and the ones who have gone before us.
    Love & Prayers
    From St. Thomas, ON, Canada
    Lindsay St. Pierre

  • Stephanie, Maine

    It is just so awesome how God works; He really is so amazing! Even with all the deep sorrow in our hearts for your entire family, Angie, it is good to hear YOU remind US that He is still there; He is good.

    I mention this because I was running errands about noontime on Tuesday, listening to the radio, having just listened to “Praise You in the Storm” by Casting Crowns when I had this very strong impression to pray for you and Todd. It seemed like it came out of the blue, yet I had this same impression to pray for you on Monday afternoon about 3. On Monday, I was home, so I knelt down to pray, and the cats joined me. They love prayer time! Their purrs were sent up with my request. Yesterday, though, it was a prayer on the side of the road. I didn’t know about Sara & Elliot then, but I will lift them up in prayer for comfort and peace.

    Thank you for being willing to share your story, Angie.

  • Anonymous

    Wow… I don’t know what to say except wow. God is using your honestly and your brokenness in ways you can’t imagine. There is so much I need to bring to Him. Thank you.
    Nicole

  • The Russell’s

    Very profound Angie. Especially the part when you realized that God had already been there and lost His Son. Those words brought tears to my eyes.

    Also thanks for reminding all us to tilt our heads to Him daily and in all of our lives circumstances. Again what a witness and soldeir you are for the Lord.

    Praying for you and Sara now.

  • Honea Household

    Nothing? Nothing wrong? It is so hard to understand. I don’t know what to say. In my Beth Moore Bible Study yesterday, I read this verse and thought of you:

    “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.” Deut. 29:29

    There are some secrets God has chosen not to reveal to us. Maybe because our minds are finite and cannot fully understand the infinite aspects of God. Some things are unnecessary for us to know this side of Heaven. God is infinite and all-knowing, and we do not have the capacity to know everything he does.

    God is sovereign and He could stop any ill. But how do we here on earth make those ends meet when we go through loss like you have? We can’t…but God can and one day will. Beth Moore says in her study, I quote, ” Between His arms that seem at times outstretched in opposite directions, you will find His heart. Out of the ashes of the unfathomable, sooner than later our Lazarus-faith must rise from the dead – questions still unanswered – or the devil has won.”

    Beth quotes an eleventh-century English monk, saying, “I do not seek, O Lord, to penetrate thy depths. I by no means think my intellect equal to them: but I long to understand in some degree they truth, which my heart believes and loves. For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe, that I may understand.”

    Keep believing, girl. I know it’s easier said than done, and I, honestly, don’t know where my heart would be if I was in your situation. But we are called to encourage one another, so I am doing this for you. Hopefully it is encouraging you to keep the faith and press on. I pray for your continually. And I will be praying for your friend, too. How neat it would be if you two got to meet someday.

  • Hollie

    Every post I read from you, touches me in some way or another. I thank you for your testimony of His love. And the reminder I needed to ‘bring it to Him.’

    Praying for Sara and her family, as well!

  • Chatty

    Oh Angie, my heart breaks for Sara. My heart breaks for you, and your family. I think this is quite possibly the sweetest example I have seen of God’s reassurance.

    I continue to pray for you all, as you find your way to healing. You’re in my thoughts often.

  • Anonymous

    The tears are falling. I must read this post a again to process it.

    It seems so inadequate to say “prayers were sent,” as if it’s the proper reply or something. But they really are..they really just were.

    I wish somehow it were different for all of you. But remember, your sweet Audrey has weight, her life has meaning, her story is teaching. She matters. I think more than even you may comprehend.

    Hugs and prayers.
    Maddy

  • Anonymous

    God understands the kicks and screams too. Just crawl up into His lap. Don;t kick too much. Just sit. Tell Him your angry don;t try to hide it he knows anyway. Just pour it all out everything. Leave your prayer having said all the anger and all the hurt. He can take it. He already bore it on the cross. He feels our pain and carrys it.
    Trust Him. Thanks for being real.
    Not the same ar all, but 4 years ago I lost my dear sweet Jeus on earth grandpa, I kick and screamed stomped and yelled at God. I still do sometimes. I cried and cried. some one daid you don’t have to like God’s plan, but you have to trust HIm. He does know what is best.

  • Laurie

    Hi Angie,

    I am sure that you will be making many trips to the feet of Jesus these days and I am praying for you as He meets you there and lifts the burdens you lay down. I am so sorry for the pain that you are in. I will be praying for your friend Sara too. This road is so hard for me to try to understand and believe me, I try so hard. Please know that you are in my heart and your family too in the days and months ahead. As a mother and a grandmother, I still wish that Audrey was in your arms, I am only human. I know God’s plan was perfected in Audrey’s life, I am still just waiting to see it all unfold in the time ahead. You followed His voice perfectly Angie, you truly did and still do. I am blessed by your honesty and will continue to walk this road with you in prayer.

    Love, Laurie in Ca.

  • Jungheims

    Angie, your blog is so hard to read sometimes…it stirs up old memories and feelings that I haven’t had in a while but your words beckon me to keep reading and feeling.

    I remember all too well my own search for an “answer” when I lost my little girl. I poured over medical records, mine and hers, and asked every question I could think of. It consumed me for weeks…her autopsy showed a perfect little girl, typical markers of problems were not present, etc. Finally, I came to a place of peace in the fact that there is NO answer but GOD. God had reached his hand down to little Grace and lifted her to his heart. That’s the only reason I have and it’s the most comforting and beautiful. It gives no room for human interpretation/reasoning and has, in time, given me great peace. So, let there be anger and hurt, but in the end, may this be God’s gift to you.

    Praying always,

    Lisa
    Grace’s Mom

  • Stella

    You are so right. So often we get mad at God for the things in our life that bring us sadness and we turn away. You are so right that we need to bring them to Him and share that anger and sadness with Him. It is the only way to get through it.

    You, your family, your beautiful Audrey and Sara and Elliott are in my prayers!

  • taralynn819

    I lost my father on April 20, just last week. In February we found out he had been living with colon cancer, and the Lord took him home very quickly.

    Also in February, my little brother and his wife were blessed with their first child…my dad’s first grandchild. He loved Scarlett, and we showed a 1-minute clip of him reading a story to baby Scarlett just a few weeks before he died. The overnight nurse at my dad’s care center told us that Scarlett was one of my dad’s last topics of conversation before he died that night. So bittersweet…

    After reading your post, I’d like to think that your little Audrey and Sara’s little Elliot are filling in as temporary grandkids for my dad. We wished we could have had so much more time with my dad, but I wouldn’t wish him back to earth for anything, now that he’s experienced the glories of heaven and the presence of Jesus.

    Maybe he will read them a story, too.

  • Anonymous

    Angie and Todd,
    You continue to be in my prayers….I will also remember Sara and Elliot as well. This is truly unbearable. There are no words to use to convey how sorry I am that you must endure this suffering (and now Sara’s family too).
    Please take care of yourself and stay healthy.
    Prayer Warrior

  • surfmomma4

    Hi Angie, I can so relate to needing a “reason”, and all we can do is accept it sometimes. I have lost everyone in my immediate family starting with my mother when I was 7. I had to smile when your little one wanted to mail the picture, I can remember writing letters to my mother and my dad would “mail” them I would address them to our address only above in heaven. It is a way of coping and my heart breaks for all of you. I pray that you are able to just “accept what is” an not play the “blame game” and we as humans are so wont to do..you know that He has a plan for us and it is in our best interest, even if we can;t see it..HE KNOWS. Again I coninue to pray for you, we are visitng your lovely state next week, I so look forward to seeing it..hope to retire there..hugs Susan

  • Lauren

    Angie, you continue to inspire me each and every day. I will add Sara and her sweet angel Elliot to my prayers.

    If there is any comfort it this, please know that your posts are helping me through my day. I’m still very much grieving the loss of my child and knowing that I don’t grieve alone is a tremendous help.

    We’re all here with you, praying and believing that God has such great plans.

    Lauren

  • Overwhelmed!

    I’m offering up prayers for Sara, Elliot, and their family and also for you and yours.

    Thank you for the beautiful reminder to TILT toward God. I have reason to do so today and draw comfort in your words.

  • AnnaB

    I have read and devoured each post you have written and mourned in your loss of your sweet little girl. Elliot will now be in our family’s prayers as well.

    What you have written today has deeply, deeply touched my heart. He can take it…He understands. Through so much hurt and sorrow, you have brought such faith to so many. I am grateful!

    With love,
    Anna in Boise, ID

  • Laura

    At the end of the day that is all there is to say…He is good! He is trustworthy. So hard to be crying out with out words. Keep holding on tight…you are so loved. Praying for you to have great peace and hope as you walk through the day.
    Wishing I could sit and cry with you and dream of what our little girls are doing in heaven. Must be so much fun!
    Love-Laura

  • Kelly

    Angie – I talk about you every day as I share your story with more friends. I tell them how you are just beautiful but even more beautiful inside. You are so Godly and precious.
    But I also am glad that you are glad. You are humble enough to share that you are angry and you are sad……….but at the end of it all – you still trust God.
    You have been a HUGE blessing to me and thousands of others. I pray that you CAN take all of your sorrow and put it at His feet and know that He is weeping with you.

  • Kelly

    I meant to say that I’m glad that you are REAL.
    Not glad that you are glad. :-(

  • Anonymous

    Oh, Angie. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us; so many of us weep and grieve the loss of your little Audrey with you. What a beautiful piece of truth about our Heavenly Father you have written, that we live in, “A place where God is hidden, just slightly, by the shadows of this broken life.”

    With prayers for you and Sarah, Erika and the Whites

  • The Asquad

    Tues night we took balloons up to the memory place (cemetery) for Aaron’s birthday. Austin (5) asked, “Will Aaron know this is for him?” I said, “Yes.” “even if we don’t release them up into heaven, and we want to tie them to the flower hanger here?” “Yes, Aaron can see us down here and knows this balloon is for him.” It is amazing to me constantly how these little ones process their loss. Somedays, it’s what gets me through.

    Praying for your friend, Sara. and for you, for strength and knowledge/wisdom. You are pouring out your heart and soul helping/tending to others. Please don’t forget to take time out for yourself. If you give and give and give, you will become empty. Take/Make the time to refill yourself!

    In Christ’s Divine Love,
    Penny

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for being real. It’s ok to be angry. I thank God for your little sunshines that keep you going in their own innocent way.

    Prayers for your family, and your new friend Sara. She is so blessed to have you in her life!

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    I will continue to keep you and your family in prayer. Sara and her family too. I am glad you two have been able to share so much with one another. I have tears falling as I feel the pain you both are feeling. And joy as your daughter shares her love for her sister. Thank you for your words of strength in the midst of your sadness and pain. Jen Wagner in California

  • kris

    “bring it to me, and I will make an altar of your suffering”…

    I will never, never let go of these words.

    Thank you for the gift that you are. Thank you for reminding me where I need to turn. Even if I’m screaming.

    I am praying for the sister you’ve yet to meet, and for her family, and always, for you.

  • Sun

    sorry I deleted my comment – it didn’t make any sense once I went back and read it. I just wanted to say I am in prayer for you and your family and your precious sister in Christ who is walking, now, a very similiar path to you! I just wanted you to know that these words you have spoken here – they are SO, SO true! God has poured Himself into you and it is spilling over and blessing others around you. I am SO, SO sorry for your loss and will continue in prayer. Sunshine

  • The Abbiatti Family

    Wow! You are an amazing woman and proof of what an awesome God we serve! I just read your story for the first time! Thank you for sharing your story no matter how hard it is. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers! Thank God he understands and created our anger and emotions right along with everything else! Hang in there and know you are loved and an inspiration!

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for being so real in your faith. What an encouragment to all to know that the same God who created us to feel all these emotions we feel in our journey to become more like HIM, is BIG enough to handle them even when we don’t quite know what to do with them. Praying for your’s and Elliot’s family. May God grant you His peace and comfort.

  • amanda

    Angie, again I want to thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. I just love your heart and I pray that God will bring healing and comfort to you each day. Your little Abby sounds like a sensitive little girl…isn’t it wonderful how our Father can grow them through times like this even when we think they’re too young to ‘get it’? It’s hard enough to walk through grief on your own, but to have to help guide 3 little girls through it also is a huge responsibility. From what you’ve shared, you and Todd are doing it well. Continuing to pray for you…

  • Megan L Hutchings

    Good Morning Angie! You live in Nashville…just thirty minutes from little town of Murfreesboro and yet I feel like we live in two worlds. Your posts, your experience, your videos have all rocked me to the core.

    I am so gald that you found Sara to lean on during this journey and that all the while you have not been alone. Thank you for reminding us all to BRING IT TO HIM!

  • Polka Dot

    Your words never fail to inspire me and help me feel closer to God.

    When we lost our only pregnancy last year, I was so angry. After trying for 2 years, doctor visit after doctor visit, only to have our baby die was incomprehensible. And more painful than I could ever put into words. I felt like God had finally abandoned me.

    You’ve helped me feel Him again. You’ve helped remind me that He is there for us no matter what. He rejoices with us when things are good and he’s there for us when thins aren’t. Probably especially then. And while I hate the reason that’s brought me to you, I’ll forever be grateful for it.

    You’ll continue to be in my thoughts and daily talks with God.

  • Steve and Val

    I so appreciate your honest reflection of your days. Peace to you and your family.
    Val

  • Lorri

    Angie…you are an annoited and gifted proclaimer of the gospel and I pray that God sees fit to open more and more doors for you to share your words that bring SO much glory to his name. I don’t know you but I am so proud of you in sharing publically your deepest pain and your deepest faith. It sounds cliche but God bless you Angie. His hand is on you and he is so very pleased with you.

    With love from Colorado…Lorri
    http://lorriscancerupdates.blogspot.com/

  • Sarah

    Wow Angie, Those were some powerful words. Thank you so much, once again, for sharing your heart in the most beautiful wording. I have never read something that is so easy to “get” but yet is written so eloquently. I hope you understand how much your words mean to us all reading your blog and how much Audrey’s life has changed the world. I am sharing this blog entry “tilted” with my women’s Bible study tonight. I know they will be blessed as much as I was. Praying for you always, and for your Kindred Spirit.

  • Amanda

    I have the song Bring the Rain on repeat on my blog. It helps remind me many times a day to keep looking Upward and trust Him. Thank you for sharing the innerparts of this process. It’s changing me and it’s changing so many others. Audrey is playing underneath those cherry blossoms up there, I just know it.

  • Lily’s Mommy

    Angie, I wanted to share with you what just happened. I am sitting at the computer reading through your post just now and my eighteen month old daughter wanted to sit in my lap. As I read, she just kind of sat there and put her feet on the desk. All of a sudden, she wanted my attention. She folded her hands and wanted me to pray with her. I kind of sat there for a second in disbelief. But then quickly asked her if she wanted to pray to Jesus. She said YA. So we prayed for you and for your friend. I don’t quite know why she wanted to pray or if she recognized your blog since I’ve sat in front of the computer on several occassions crying and praying. But the fact is, my little toddler wanted to pray at a random time of day and we prayed for you.
    The day Audrey was born, Lily, my daughter, folded her hands to pray MANY times throughout the day. Each time she did that, we prayed for you and Todd and your family and for baby Audrey and that she would live long enough so you could meet her.
    Audrey’s life is helping me teach my daughter about Jesus. Yesterday, she said His name for the first time. Thank you for this gift. I truly believe that the Holy Spirit has led my little one to pray to Jesus even though she doesn’t fully understand.

    We are praying for you, Angie. I pray that your heart can be wrapped in the comfort of God right now. I’m so sorry for your pain. I know you see how God is working for His Glory in using Audrey’s life. But I know that your pain is also much greater than I could ever know and I wish there was something I could do to help. I just keep praying. With my husband and with my daughter too.
    Again thank you. Your life and your daughter’s life are testimonies to me and my daughter and I appreciate more than words can express the opportunity to teach my child the power of prayer.

  • His_Princess2008

    Please know that I am praying for Sarah and her family. I LOVE babies and children and am looking forward to having a houseful!! These type of stories touch a special place in my heart. I can’t put into words the feelings I have towards this. I don’t understand why, I don’t get it. BUt I do know that MY God is in control of my life and yours and Sarah’s and every single second of my day has been planned since before I was even thought about on earth. Even the fact that I am typing to you was in God’s plan. Perhaps it ministers to you maybe it doesn’t, however I feel I need to tell you that I feel as if God has allowed me to read your blog and follow your story to teach me so many things. I have learned more from you and this journey that God has you on then I have perhaps from any sermon or church service. God is using you. I just want you to know that I am here if you need me. I wish I was there as I have said many times before in my comments. I just wish I could make is better but I can’t so I will go to the one who can and pray on your behalf and for Sarah. Does she have a blog or anything? Well I guess it’s long enough. I love ya and am praying for ya’ll!
    ~Dani

  • Anonymous

    Praying for Elliot’s family today. Still praying for you. My children have struggled also with dealing with the loss of a sibling. There are still the picture drawing days. There are still the prayers asking God to keep their baby safe. There are still times when my son tells complete strangers at the grocery store that his baby is in heaven now. I personally find it so healing to see the situation through the eyes of the more innocent. Praying for the girls today as they too grieve.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,

    I stumbled upon your blog through a college friend who somehow found it. I have known Sara my entire life as we were born just 18 days apart and were raised in bed babies together in the church. It has been a joy and such a sorrowful time to watch one of my closest friends go through this. I have to remind myself daily that Elliot is in a better place but sometimes it is hard for me to understand why Sara. Only God has these answers but Sara and Brandon have been able to use this experience and share with others. It is amazing to see how many people this has touched and how many new friends she has made out of this experience. The pictures of Elliot will forever be burned in my mind as well as the faith and number of people gathered in prayer.

    Mandy

  • Aunt Becky

    You give me faith in God. Thank you for that. Thank you so very much.

    You’re a wonderful person, and I wish we could be friends in real life. It sounds as though you have a lot you could teach me.

    *hugs*

  • Jodi

    Angie,

    You never cease to amaze me with your strength and faith. And you always instill mine a little more in doing so.

    You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. And now, as well as your “sister” Sara and her angel, Elliot.

    Jodi

  • Anonymous

    Angie, I hope you don’t mind that I blogged about your blog today. I’ve linked to it before to ask for prayers, but today I wrote about loss and quoted you.

    Here’s the link, if you’d like to read it: http://www.xanga.com/private/yourhome.aspx

  • Kim

    What an encouragement you are. Mostly because you are kind enough to be transparent with all of us and share true emotions you feel with God. But, the inspiration comes from the anchor that you have in Him with the anger, sorrow and hurt.
    I can totally understand your want and need to know the “reason”-the diagnosis. And, for that, I am so so sorry and for that, specifically, I am praying for you.
    Thank you for being selfless and mentioning your friend and her son. They are in my prayers, too.
    Kim

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for the reminder to Tilt my head toward heaven and to bring it all to God. Those were the exact words I needed to hear this morning. Thank you for your honesty. You are an amazing women who has been given MUCH strength from the Lord to be a vessle for the Holy Spirit to minister to thousands!
    Still praying for you!
    ~LaSala family~ CA

  • Anonymous

    it’s hard to remember sometimes that we are here to serve the Lord. We wait everyday for him to serve us blessing after blessing. it’s so so hard to turn it all over. to put things in his hand, to be used for his glory. your story has been so precious to me. i think about you every day. i pray peace over you today.

  • Jen

    My heart goes out to you, your family, Sara and her family. May God wrap his love around all of you and heal you.

  • Melody

    I am in tears right now. Your words have such a way of reminding me of God. When everything else seems to only crowd him out- of my daily life, of my words, of everything He has given me- you remind me that He is there, and loves me in all my imperfection. I have been in such a dark place since I lost my baby (an early miscarriage) almost 2 months ago. But I keep searching and trying to keep God in that void and not give way to the anguish. I only wish you knew how much God is truly using you and your family in my own healing, as you process and experience your own. Praying for you and Sara.

    God bless you, Melody

  • kelli

    Sweet, sweet Angie.
    The tears continue to fall. I think God sent you to me. It is YOU that helped ME through your astounding faith in God. As I sit here on my laptop, I read the words over and over again. You’ve reminded us all that God IS and WILL always be there no matter what. He is there when things are good and better yet, when they are not. He HAS a reason and he HAS a purpose for everything. Sweet Audrey has more meaning in her little life than ONE could possibly have. . Her life is being used EVERY SINGLE day to touch, to inspire, and to BRING PEOPLE CLOSER TO GOD! It’s simply amazing. YOU are AMAZING. You are an angel sent by God. Oh, how I wish to meet you face to face. I’ve read your words for months now and you are and WILL always be in my heart, my mind, and my prayers. I’ve dealt with a great deal of grief due to the loss of a wonderful friend in early February and your words have been such a comfort to me. So many days I was angry with God. I would just cry out in anger and I didn’t understand. I too, had MY plan B, but like you said, God knew it would not be. Although, we haven’t met, I have so much love and respect for you. Thank you. God bless your sweet family. Audrey WILL continue to live through the voice and lives of others.

    Love & Prayers,
    Kelli

  • Mark, Kim, Colton, Gabrielle and Noah

    Hi, Angie. I recently started a blog and am using it as sort of mental therapy. I’m attempting to write at least one positive part of my day each day. Today I pointed to messages in your blog as a positive. I recently had a life-changing experience (“Shout to the Lord!” in my blog) and wholeheartedly agree with what you say about God. I hope he continues to strengthen your life and that of your family’s. My blog is at http://markkimgabtonoah.blogspot.com/ . Thank you and God bless.

  • Chris/ty

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    God gave us a tough baby. This morning as I was feeding him breakfast I thought of you and Audrey. Every day with my picky, fussy, beautiful baby boy is a gift. Thank you for reminding me. I will try harder to cherish the naps that aren’t long enough, my short rope because he won’t take a bottle, the spit-up that never ends and makes me do way too much laundry…
    Her life changed my thinking and I thought I should let you know. Praying for you and what God will do for your family.

    Christy

  • Anonymous

    Although I have been reading your blog for months, I just had the chance to watch the video entitled”Kate has something to say” with sound right after I watched the Crosspoint video. After crying through the Crosspoint video I laughed so hard that I again started to “cry” tears of joy at the reactions of your precious older girls. It is amazing how much God allows our children to teach us about Him and how much joy they bring to our lives! I pray constantly for you, Todd, Abby,
    Ellie and Kate as well as your family and friends. Often I have no words to say so I just offer you up to the Lord to comfort you as only He knows how to.

    I wish I knew you personally.

    I wish I had the exact right words to say.

    I wish that you had a diagnosis today (I am so like you in wanting to know the why for everything)

    But all I can do is pray for you. And I will!!!! Please know that we will not forget you or your sweet Audrey.

    Sue in Western New York

  • Anonymous

    As I was reading your post I could just see your little one standing right there is your kitchen with her hands held hight tightly holding on to her picture showing her sister what she made for her! Isn’t it great how when we dont feel like we know what to say or how to act and our hearts are hurting so that the litte ones around us seem to know exactly what to do and say.
    I am so blessed by you Angie.
    Sisters in Christ ~
    christi

  • Joy

    Such a burden… and how lucky we are that we don’t have to carry those burdens alone. God is upholding you in His right hand. He has set His angels to guard and protect you.

    I am so sorry Elliot did not live. There is a song by Casting Crowns and part of it is this:

    “The gifts lie in wait
    in a room painted blue.
    Little blessing from Heaven
    would be there soon.
    Hope fades in the night,
    the skies turn to grey
    As the little one slips away.

    You’re holding their hands,
    you’re straining for words
    You’re trying to make
    sense of it all.
    They’re desperate for hope,
    darkness clouding their view
    They’re looking to you

    Love them like Jesus,
    carry them to Him
    His yoke is easy,
    His burden is light
    We don’t have the answers
    to all of life’s questions
    Just know that He loves them
    And stays by their side.”

  • kristy mae

    I don’t know if you realize how profound an effect your writings have had on my relationship with God. For the first time, I actually heard him speak to me. That’s because I finally listened and talked with God, not just at him. I was inspired by your frank discussions with him and realized that I never spoke with God or developed a relationship with Him. My faith in and relationship with Him has grown so much in these past few weeks.
    Thank you Angie, thank you Audrey.

    with continued prayers,
    Kristy in AR

  • Christina

    It never ceases to amaze me, the way that you can minister to us while your heart is breaking. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get a clear diagnosis and that your friend Sara had such a short time in this life with her son.

    I had a thought as I was reading about your daughter asking about Audrey’s “basket”… what if you had an actual basket where they could put pictures or letters for her? I don’t know if that would only confuse them, but it might be a concrete way for them to “send” things to her and you could save those momentos in a special place. I say this because my daughter, R~ was adopted from Cambodia as a baby and we have no information about her birth mother. I truly don’t know if she is even alive. But R~ sometimes misses her and wishes she could write to her, so I tell her that we can save those letters and drawings in a special place. If indeed we do meet her birthmom in this life, I’ll be happy to give them to her. But if not, I think at least it gives R~ a way to get those feelings out. Anyway, just a thought, feel free to toss it aside if it doesn’t make sense to you!

    You are often in my prayers, and today Sara and Elliot are too.

  • Joy

    Oh, and your daughters seem to be handling things very well. How very sweet you call it a “basket”. Reminds me of Moses’ mother placing her son in a basket, giving him up to save him.

    Sorry that there wasn’t a diagnosis for Audrey. *HUGS*

  • Alli Miles

    Angie,
    The tears are flowing, but your trust in bringing it to Him has shown me the tremendous strength He has bestowed upon you. Sharing this story–of your loss, of your friend’s loss and how everyone is dealing with what life has been presented shows me how God is allowing you to minister to us. I am thankful and grateful to have read your story and for the opportunity to get to know you. I will lift your family and Sara and Elliot to Him in prayer. God bless you.

  • David, Ashley and Noah

    Wow…what little I have learned about your family in the past 24 hours has just…amazed me. Those words you just wrote really spoke to me and it was exactly what I needed. You had your amazing baby girl on my birthday (I saw the video of your family) the same day my family got news that we were moving cross country. Although my struggles are NOTHING compared to losing a child, I am still struggling with moving from ohio and everything I’ve ever known to Houston. I only hope that one day my faith can be inspiring to someone like yours has been to me.
    With love, Your sister in Christ,
    Ashley

  • Tina

    I just wanted to tell you how refreshing and wonderful your honesty is. You are the most precious CHristian I have met in a while because you are so REAL.

    You don’t try to be all spiritual all the time.. you are just real about your struggles through these deep waters of grief. It is blessing so many people, including ME!

  • Melissa

    Thank you for the reminder that it is okay to scream and be upset for alittle while, as long as we are looking up to him. Sara and her husband are in my Sunday School class at church. I was devestated when I got the email about little Elliot. I love reading your blog, you truely are an encouragement to others!

  • Jayme Cox

    My heart breaks for your friend… I am a mother of 4 kids, but our son Cameron was born with a gentic disease called PKD. I had no amniotic fluid, little kidney function, his kidney’s had cysts all over them. He died when he was 2 days old. He had an older brother. And he would be turning 5 this May. I know all to well th epain of loosing a child. I will be praying that God’s grace and love encompasses the families as tey deal with this tragedy, and look for God’s amazing Love!

  • dr_bristow

    I was listening to Selah’s Bless the Broken Road CD just now, and it made me think of you. What a precious story about your darling Abby. Oh to have the faith and trust of a child! Praying for you all, and for Sara too.
    Alane

  • The Holdaway’s

    Angie,
    I saw your blogspot on a post of my friends who encouraged me to read it. I thought I would just take a few min. to glimpse over it because I had some things to do, but I couldn’t pull myself away…I spent my whole afternoon reading your story and watching your video’s. I want you to know that I feel your pain, truly. I too have lost a child. We had a son, our first born. We had tried for a year and a half to conceive and finally we were sucessful! My pregnancy was normal until I was 33 weeks and I couldn’t feel him moving. I went in to the hospital where my doctor was. The nurse hooked me up to monitors and heard the heart beat, or so they thought, when the doctor came in he knew right away that it was my heartbeat not the baby’s. So they did an ultrasound, I will never forget those words…”I am so sorry your baby has no heartbeat..” I instantly felt numb, like I was dreaming. As I sat there tring to remember my husbands work phone number, yes I was all alone, all I wanted to do is crawl into a hole.. So they induced labor and after 12 hours of hard labor I deleivered a beautiful baby boy, who we named Payden, he was exactly 3lbs and 17 inches long,( my b-day is 3-17) tonz of black hair, and brought such a peaceful spirit to the room. It was so quiet, but said so much as to how special he was and is to me. He would be 6 years old now. Our circumstances are somewhat different in the sense that he was stillborn, but we have no reasons as to why. The doctor said it could have possibly been that my placenta quit functioning, but no for sure answer. The amnio results came back normal. I only wish I could have seen him alive, and I envy you that you had those precious hours with your beautiful little Audrey. I remember feeling all of the same emotions you felt, even the ones you cannot describe. I remember being angry with God, I felt as though I was being punished in some way. I also remember thinking that He only gives us what He knows we can handle, even if WE don’t think that we can! I am not going to tell you that the pain will ever go away, it doesn’t, but the days get a little easier. I dont think that there has been one day in the 6 years since I had Payden that I haven’t thought of him. He tought me so much in his short little time here with me, that I could never explain or even try to. I know one day I will be with him again, and I will know why this happened to me, but for now I have to know that he is with me everyday, everywhere, and in everything. For me each day after his passing was like a rollercoaster, one minute I thought I would be fine and maybe this pain in my heart would go away, and then the next minute…I would totally lose it, my arms were empty and they ached for my precious little boy. His birthdays are hard, knowing that this past year he would have been starting Kindergarten..these things stay with me, and I am telling you it’s those little things you will think of, it is not easy. I see people that were pregnant with me and I see there kids who are his age, and I think “I wonder what Payden would be like, look like, what would he like to do?” In one of your posts you said that you didnt know what you would say if someone asked you how many children you have, this is a question I once asked myself. For me I feel guilty saying 2 because I really do have three, and Payden is a part of our family. I dont feel the need to explain my situation to people, but if they ask more questions than that I do explain and usually they feel very bad, but they dont know. I had many experiences like you that God let me know he was there and loves me. I too prayed a lot, and felt comfort and as if I could go on another day. I VERY unexpectedly found out I was pregnant 2 months after I lost him. I was so scared! I made it through and now have a beautiful 5 year old daughter named Gracie Jo. I had such a hard time keeping myself together during my pregnancy with her that I waited a very long time to have another one. i finally got it together, I knew she needed a sibling, and she wanted one so badly, I just had another baby 7 months ago, a boy. We named him Acen. I take them to visit their big brother Payden often, we decorate his headstone on Holidays and his birthday. I talk to Gracie about her brother often, I never really had to explain much to her, it was like she already knew. I promise you things will get easier, even though right now you probally can’t see that they will, but stay true to who you are, talk openly about your Audrey, even if you are crying so hard you can’t speak, or screaming so much your throat hurts. She is with you always, everyday,everywhere, and in everything! Take care, your in our prayers.
    Becky

  • Jody

    I have a good cry everytime I read your blog, but I always get the perfect message from your words. I have been praying for you & your family and now I will also pray for Sara & little baby Elliott. We recieved the same results from our little Shaina’s autopsy. No explanation .. and it angered me to the core. I needed a clear-cut answer & I still had none. Many hugs & prayers~

    Jody Garber

  • michelle

    Angie-you continue to amaze me!

  • Mocha with Linda

    Thanks for sharing even your hard days. Your honest transparency is such a blessing and even an encouragement. How wonderful that we have a God Who is big enough that we don’t have to tiptoe around Him and mask our feelings.

    I wish we were real-life friends so I could hug you and weep with you.

  • Darlene R.

    Oh Angie, I just wish I could take some of the hurt and bear it for you for even a little while. I will continue to pray for you and I will add Sara to my list.

    Your Abby is just so precious! Give her an extra hug from me today! :)

  • Debbie

    I have visited your blog before and now have seen your video. I have been going through some issues with work and waiting for a referral from Ethiopia and now it makes me realize they are nothing. Just trivial. Your family is such a blessing. May God richly bless you for your faithfulness to Him!!

    Debbie

  • Lori Heinrich

    Dear precious Angie,

    I have lurked here for days, being blessed by your words and by the legacy of your Audrey Caroline. I have thought I would leave a comment to let you know how you have affected me, how I feel so close to someone I have never met and how my prayers are filled with pleas on your behalf. Then I would see how many hundreds of others have left a similar message and “walk away” without a word. After all, as one voice in such a massive choir, how could my words make a difference? But the more I return here, the more I realize that this is the point: Every voice makes a difference! Audrey’s voice, in 2.5 hours made a difference. Your voice makes a difference for hundreds….thousands….every time you write.

    Thank you, Angie, for putting words to the pain of losing a child. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share. After having two healthy children, my body has betrayed me twice. In the last two years, I have lost two perfect babies because my body would not allow them to live inside me due to a blood clotting disorder I have developed. I have felt guilt, anger and heartache, but even more I have felt the guiding hand of the Father and the promise of His fulfillment on the horizon. We are now in the process of adopting an older sibling group from Russia, kids who are losing hope of being wanted. I know this is ordained of God, and it is exciting. Still it is painful. The process is discouraging at times. We will soon struggle to work through the terrible pain and loss our new children feel. This life is so hard, but we can find joy in the midst of the pain because we know we are in the Hands that can put our pieces back together again into a work of art more beautiful than we could ever have imagined…a mosaic masterpiece.

    You did not receive the miracle of earthly healing for Audrey Caroline, but I look forward to hearing the miracles God does through her, through you and through your family. I can just feel the rumblings on the horizon….

    Blessings and healing,
    Lori

  • Jena Baker

    Angie–Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I miscarried my second baby back in January and even though I have two beautiful boys on this earth-I found myself angry and sad at God. I am tired of seeing pregnant women and newborn babies. This is a good reminder of something I already know–bring it to God. Thanks again and know that a mom in Memphis is praying for you.

  • Anonymous

    No words.

    Just prayers being lifted up for you. I didn’t comment on the video yesterday, but I will just say that I haven’t cried so much for a long time. It was a good cry, though. The kind where afterwards you feel better. I am in a storm of my own right now. Not as hard as yours, but still difficult. I am waiting to adopt a child from China. The wait just keeps growing and growing, with no end in sight. I wonder sometimes if she will ever come home. God is faithful, even if He doesn’t deliver in the way we thought He would.

    Blessings and peace,
    Meg

  • KELLY

    Praying for you and for your new friend Sara and her little Elliott. God IS good. Wow, it’s hard to let that be what we rest on sometimes because we want answers! God is walking with you so evidently, even through the screaming and questions. You’re right-he can take it! What a beautiful story about Abby and her picture, too. Thank you for continuing to share your heart.

  • Beth

    You are an AMAZING person! God Bless You, Todd, Ellie, Abby, Kate & Audrey. Audrey would be & is so proud of how strong her family’s faith has become over all of this. I came upon your blog through one of my friend’s blog and now I will forever check it daily because through you God is giving me the strength to push on through the things I must push through. I will continue to pray for your family & Sara and her family. I know this phrase gets used often way too much, but sometimes you just have to say it to yourself and actually focus on what it really means…”Everything Happens For A Reason”…You may not know the reason today, tomorrow, or even three years later, however, God is the REASON and he will heal yours and your family’s hurt in TIME. Love you & your family so much. Take Care. Looking forward to next post. Have a Blessed Week!

    Beth
    Mississippi

  • Adrienne and Jim

    Angie,

    I find myself once again with tears down my cheeks. I can just picture sweet Abby tilting her head up to the sky to show Audrey her drawing. I also love her calling her resting place a “basket” rather than a “casket.” It seems sweeter, softer, in some strange way more pleasant to say and visualize.

    You are so right. God can handle what we have to give Him. It is so terribly frustrating and so hard to understand why he chose not to heal sweet Audrey and baby Elliot, why he didn’t make my babies’ hearts beat just a little longer. I found myself crying and yelling at God in my car most often. It was there I could be by myself and let my emotions, my tears, flow freely. It was just me and God, and He could handle anything I threw out there at him. I remember weeping to the point I couldn’t breathe, like my breath had been scooped up from within my chest and taken away as I gasped for air, as I grasped into the air for answers to why this was happening, why God couldn’t just perform a miracle and let my babies live.

    As I watched the CrossPoint video, I found myself nodding my head so often as you spoke. I noticed Jim watching me, and his eyes began to well with tears as Todd spoke of how proud of you he is. God may not always give us what we most desire, but He does use us in ways we never imagined or thought possible, in ways in which we can minister to others, to show us He is there and that He truly can give and take away.

    The video you allowed to be made will take Audrey’s legacy even farther than you may have dreamed. What a special baby you carried in your womb, a special baby you continue to carry in your heart and at the tips of your fingers as you continue type her legacy. I loved when you said you just weren’t ready to stop talking about her. We are not ready to stop listening. The world needs Audrey. She is reaching so many corners of the earth, so many hearts and souls. Although she is no longer physically with us, she is so present in our lives.

    A friend of mine emailed me a month or so ago and thanked me for sharing your story on my blog. She typed one other sentence in the email to say that you changed her life. You, Angie. You and Audrey have “changed (her) life.” I don’t know what this means, but I do know that she is just one person of many people, including myself, who have been changed by Audrey, by your sharing her with us.

    I would love to see you when you are ready, with or without the kids. If it’s easier to be distracted by the children, that’s fine, or if you’d like to just be able to sit and cry that’s fine too. You know I’m here for you and feel such a strong spiritual connection to you and Audrey.

    May Abby, Ellie, and Kate continue to bring you joy amidst these times of sorrow. God is using them also in ways you never imagined!

  • karen44

    Thank you, Lord, for allowing Angie and Sara to find each other. These are now two spiritual-sisters who know intimately the heartache and pain of losing their precious Audrey and Elliot. Thank you that they can understand each other like no one else really can.

    We will never know why you took these babies to be with you in heaven. We can only trust that You are in control, and You need not explain your ways.

    Please give Angie and Sara the peace the passes all understanding. The assurance that you want only what is best for them. The support of family and friends and each other that will help them get through their hardest of days.

    You are good, Lord. We thank You and praise You, even when we don’t understand You.
    -karen l.

  • The Morris Family

    Praying for you all. It does not matter if you have them for 2 hours or 3 years like we had our little Joel, it hurts!!! I think it is inevitable that we will pass through all the grieving phases, numbness, anger, ect. I am in the 2 year and it seems I cry more now than the first year. I will have to say the Lord is faithful to help our hearts although it is something that we will never get over, but the Lord gives grace to go through it. May the Lord continue to give grace to your heart each step!!
    Cindy
    http://www.weloveyoujoel.blogspot.com

  • CrownLaidDown

    I can barely type through the tears from both sorrow and joy at the same time.

    I am a child born 3 yrs after my parents lost my sister at 3 mos. to gastroscises. The purpose I have felt from God in my life has been ever-present since I was a young child–and that not from my parents. In fact they never “brought it to Him,” as you say–so right now, they live in bitterness of spirit before the Lord. When we moved away 3 years ago, the Lord took us on a journey to Colorado, my parents turned their backs on me and my family. They could not accept that God had “taken” another child. They say they will never visit and they never call.

    I tell you this to mainly say, “YES!” Live the way you are…do the things you are doing. Stay open before God in your hurt, anger and sorrow. When God grows (and perhaps even adds to) your family, let your children see the Faithful God, who you can bring all things to. He loves you so much, Angie.

    And perhaps, my sister Natalie, is showing dear Audrey and Elliot the ropes of Heaven. Perhaps they are giggling and anticipating sharing it with us soon.

    Until then, we carry a Light of hope to this dark world…like my parents.

    Praying for you dear ones. You know God brings you to mind everyday for me, a stranger, to pray. I will add Sara and her family to my prayers.

    He is so good. Yes.

    Love,
    holly smith

  • Anonymous

    I just wanted to say your stregnth and the stregnth of your family amaze me. I lost my son 2 years ago a few months into my pregnancy. It was a twin pregnancy and I thank God he left me with one child, but I still long for the child I lost and want to know why.
    Reading your story has given me a new light and a renewed trust in God that he does not allow things to happen for no reason. I am so glad I am a Christian and know that I will see my child again someday.
    I will continue to pray for you and for the friend who also lost her child.

  • Anonymous

    I just wanted to say your stregnth and the stregnth of your family amaze me. I lost my son 2 years ago a few months into my pregnancy. It was a twin pregnancy and I thank God he left me with one child, but I still long for the child I lost and want to know why.
    Reading your story has given me a new light and a renewed trust in God that he does not allow things to happen for no reason. I am so glad I am a Christian and know that I will see my child again someday.
    I will continue to pray for you and for the friend who also lost her child.

    Jessica from NC
    “Your sister in Christ”

  • Timeless and Treasured, Photography by Heather

    Angie – my heart breaks for you, yet rejoices with you. Your life, as well as Audrey’s has touched so many. I have only the slightest taste of what you are going through, having lost two pregnancies. I do know however, that God spoke directly through my children at times to bring me comfort, and rest in knowing that my babies were being held in His arms. What a precious moment you shared with your daughter. Rest in knowing that Audrey and Elliott are together now, waiting to see you all there one day too.

  • Anonymous

    Once again I have gained strength from you. I am oh so familiar with the shouting matches with God. It seems one minute I am questioning him about my son’s too-short life, and the next I am thanking him for giving me those few days with Samuel.
    I am praying for Sara and her family, and I know that Elliot is in heaven with God and all of our little angels.
    I am continuing to pray for you and your family.

  • Anonymous

    Angie, your words speak volumes to me about God’s amazing love and His desire for us to trust Him even where we cannot trace Him. Thank you for sharing your story so that others may be blessed. I will be praying for you and your family as well as Sara and her family.
    Love and blessings,
    Kim

  • goodtwin

    Angie, Once again you have brought tears to my eyes, making me see how fortunate I have been, only through the grace of God. Philippians 4:13. Please know that I am praying for comfort and healing for you and your family, and the works of Audrey will reach the multitudes in only a way that God can. Love in the Creator.

  • Anonymous

    “Thank you God for another blessing, Sara Elliot’s mother. God we try to imagine how much it hurts. We’ve tried to imagine what we would do it if were us in the operating room awaiting the birth of our daughter who was not expected to live outside the womb. Father we’ve sat & looked at our arms & tried to imagine how empty it would be to leave the hospital without our precious baby. We’ve tried to imagine living the day to day life of not knowing what to say to get through the next day. We can only imagine the spiritual warfare that goes on during these months of uncertainity. We try to imagine being there for our daughter’s first & only bath, her sister’s meeting & physically loving her for the first time. We can only imagine how hard it would be to make two and one-half hours count for many years. Father God as much as we have prayed & cried & begged & begged & tried to understand….we can only imagine. God you have always given us what we need. You have always been there when we needed you. We don’t claim to understand why you had to take this perfect, innocent, beautiful little baby Audrey Caroline, to Heaven. We pray for your guidance & your understanding Lord. We thank you for sending Sara Lord, who does understand exactly what Angie & Todd have been through & are going through. They understand the empty arms, the hurt & the sorrow. Please Jesus help us to be able to say or do something to ease their pain. Make us bloggers a vessel to be used by you. God, why did you let Audrey’s blood work be normal? God, Mom’s always need some sort of concrete answer. Being a Mom, God, I think Angie NEEDS an answer, she needs a reason. Maybe God you decided that Elliot needed a little girl-buddy so you chose Audrey to be his friend…..that way Angie & Sara can help each other through their healing. God as I read Angie’s blog today….I could just see you standing there in the room with her, your arms reaching out to her & telling her to bring it to you. God how powerful you are. Thank you for Angie’s other three little girls. Those precious little girls will bring healing to her as she travels this path. Thank you for those three little earthly angels. May they bring joy when there seems to be no joy. May they bring laughter when it seems there is nothing to laugh about. May they bring peace & comfort when Angie & Todd’s arms seem lonely & empty. Thank you for baby Elliot. Please bring peace & healing to his Mommy & Daddy. Please also carry them through the coming days & weeks & months ahead. Thank you for allowing baby Audrey to watch from Heaven & be so very proud of her Mommy & Daddy & sisters. Thank you Father for just being. We love you, we praise you, WE NEED YOU.” Rose in Nashville.

  • Kari Lynn

    You, your family, your story has changed me. Thank you for sharing, thank you for reminding me that HE knows best and has plans for us. I’ve been thinking about you nonstop since watching yesterday’s video.

  • goodtwin

    As I just read through the comments, and comments from your other blogs I wanted you to know that through your blogs you are creating a multitude of people to pray for others that they do not know by way of reading their comments and stories. Isn’t it amazing that we should do this? It is what God tells us to do, and I thank you for being a vessel. Many hugs to you, Todd and the girls.

  • Carin

    You can tell a person’s character by how they handle the challenges in their life. Your family is an amazing example of strength and faith. I had a miscarriage not long ago and I really appreciate your blog… feeling a lot of the same things. Thank You! My belief is one day we WILL be able to raise our little ones we lose and be able to be and live with them again. :)

  • Jennifer

    Thank you Angie.

  • Quicas

    Hello Angie. I read about you in “celebrity-babies.com”, and googled to read more. I have read your blog from the beginning, almost all the time with tears in my eyes. Audrey was a beautiful baby…
    Your posts are touching and honest, and your faith is amazing. I see you as someone with a huge inner strenght.
    Your family is in my heart.

    Quicas
    Madeira Island-Portugal

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    I have read every entry for Audrey Caroline and am amazed at the work God is doing in your life because of your tiny miracle. The miracle you wanted~”PLAN A” was not what God intended. His “PLAN A” was for hundreds of thousands to hear about His grace and mercy through the short, but profound, life of Audrey Caroline. He is using you as an intstument of peace~keep telling her story!
    I have a dear friend who lost her baby girl this past Thanksgiving day~she was stillborn. Reading your blog and walking through the loss of Lia Grace with my friend, I have noticed many similarities in your stories. She has been dealing with the grief a tad longer and I thought you might find a kindred spirit and encouragement from her blog about Lia. [www.lia-grace.blogspot.com]
    I have also encouraged her to read yours.
    You have touched so many with your words of honesty~could you even have imagined all God would do through this?!?!? Be encouraged that even though you have momentary shouting matches with God~He’s never going to leave you or forsake you (maybe you feel like He has) and MANY are being either introduced for the first time, or brought back to a right relationship with Him because of this path God has asked you to travel.
    Praying for you in Abilene,TX~Carolyn

  • Julie

    Angie,

    Hang in there sister! You do not have to cary this load! Gd will carry the burdens and you! You are right by saying that He can take it. Let him carry you. Grieve your loss and know that God is grieving with you! He bottles up every tear and mourns the loss of you daughter with you and Todd. Remember he also lost His Son. He knows, He cares, and He loves. The wave of emotions you are feeling are expected. The prayers of all us us will keep you from getting lost in your grief. There is no time limit or way of how you should grieve. We are all different. When you feel the anger coming, let it go and remember that our God, our Father, makes no mistakes! He chose your precious beautiful Audrey to spread the word about Him to many hundreds of people. What an honor for her you and Todd to stand up and be the voice that she cannot be, telling her beautiful story how God healed her and how he is healing you both now. I believe that God sent you Eilliot’s mom so that you could know that you are not the only one going through what you are going through. I don’t believe in fate. God directs each adn every event in our lives and there is a reason and purpose. Just like Jeremiah 29:11 says. He promises us a future and hope. Hold on to that! I will continue to pray for you, Todd and your family. Lay all of your burdens at the cross and start each day with God’s new mercies and grace. God bless you, and I pray that God washes his peace over you and Todd daily. Hand on to each other and God. He will see you through.

    Your sister in Christ,
    Julie

  • Searching

    This gave me goosebumps. What a wonderful mommy you are. You, the kiddos, your husband, and Elliot’s momma are in my prayers.

  • connorcolesmom

    I will add Sarah to my prayers
    God had you on my mind BIG time yesterday and I prayed for you constantly
    (while folding clothes, making beds, watering the flowers …)

    God is amazing how He uses the internet to connect His family
    I am praying for you sister

    Jehovah Shalom (the God of peace)be with sister Angie and Sarah and all the others who are grieving the loss of their children!
    We PRAISE YOU FATHER!
    Much love,
    Kim

  • The Reeves bunch

    I just happened to stumble upon your blog (God’s knowing that I needed to hear this). Thank you for your vulnerability. I went to college with Sara and know that your words helped her through this time. God puts people in our lives to help us through situations. I am so glad that God gave you Sara and Sara you. God knows what He is doing even though we might not know why at the moment. I will continue to pray for you and Sara during this time. God is truly being blessed through both of your adventures. God Bless you and your family.

  • applesofgold

    Keeping my face tilted to the sky, knowing and expecting that the best is yet to come.

    Praying for Sara and Elliot, and their family.

  • Emily

    Amen, sweet sister. I feel your every word, having walked such a similar road with my own little girls last July, after the Lord carried their new baby sister home and left no diagnosis to explain why either. He will carry you… all the way home. You’re doing so well. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and trusting Him – it’s all you can do.

    Emily
    Mom of 3 Miracle Girls
    emily0305.blogspot.com
    caringbridge.org/visit/millergracecassetty

  • Three Fold Cord

    He is amazing!! His words, His love, His thoughtfulness through drawings, everything you mentioned in this post just reminds me of our God who is faithful loving and true. Your honesty about bringing it to HIm is so true and how much relief we do receive when we truly bring it. Continuing to lift you all up!!

  • Jayce Tohline

    John 10:10

  • Jill

    Angie -

    Thank-you for your honesty, and for allowing God to use you to minister to so many. I, too, will say a prayer for your friend Sara and her family. Continuing to pray for you, Todd and your girls.

  • Gene McIntyre (www.cometothealtar.com)

    Dear Angie,

    Yes, I am praying for Sara right now and her angel Elliot. I love you, sister. I am sorry for your loss and can only understand what you are going through partially. I have seen loss of life, but never this close. And I too, many times, struggle understanding God. And you are right. He doesn’t get nervous when we shout at him. He doesn’t try to explain himself when we ask why. He stands steadfast, stubborn, loving, all knowing, ever perfect. He holds us and lets us cry. More than that, He mourns with us because we have a priest in Him that can truly take pity on us, that truly “has been there, done that”. We might not understand Him and His plans. But of one thing I’m sure, you and I and many others are sure – outside of his bossom, there’s no hope. Outside of His blessed hope, there’s no tomorrow. Your tomorrow, my dear Angie, is fastly and strongly secure in His hands. May He hold you tight tonight. As only he can. My sweet Angie. You are loved deeply. I am sharing Audrey’s story with anyone that will listen. We will behold the fruits of your suffering, now and in the age to come. And as the Psalms say, although you have planted this seed with tears, you will come back ripping fruit with joy. good night sister. Much love, GeneMc, Bradenton

  • Michelle Dulin

    Angie,
    Your story means so much to me and has brought me closer to my God through your faith and honesty as a human that struggles.
    I have to share a song with you that as I read your blog, it continued to flood my mind. It it Because Jesus Lives, by an independent Christian group Broken Vessels. Don’t know if you know it, but I’m sure that it will bring you comfort as it has me in the hard times I have faced. Here is thier myspace url: http://www.myspace.com/brokenvesselsmusic

    Hope you enjoy! God bless you and your family and He continues to show His grace and mercy through you.

  • tommiann

    Angie,
    I am not eloquent with words, but I want to thank you for sharing your deep trust and total understanding of God and His power..and your gift of sharing His message through you. National day of prayer is tomorrow, and I want to thank you for reminding me that Prayer is the answer..if I only would just sit and listen to His voice.
    In my humbleness,
    tommiann

  • Anonymous

    I LOVE the story of your daughter with her drawing. Don’t you just wish you could get in to her head & just for a moment live & think like her? What a sweet family you have. I’m so glad they’re there to put a smile on your face & a warmth in your heart.

    Sorry about the news from the doctor. I know it would’ve been easier to “blame” something or something to “google” as you said. :) You’re still in my prayers & I will pray for Elliot & his parents, too.

    Hugs from Rachel in K.C.

  • crystal

    I will lift your sweet family and your friend up in prayers. I know there are no words to take away your pain, only God can do that in his own time. I to am a person who wants to know why..my husband is constanly reminding me that God knows why and that is all that matters..He knows and He knows best.

    Many prayers and thoughts.
    Crystal

  • Sarah

    Many thoughts and prayers for your family and Sara’s family tonight.

  • Anonymous

    What an awesome message I’ve read tonight!!! AMEN! Before I had my two beautiful boys, (2 and 1 yrs. old) I was an elem. school social worker and worked with an array of kids. After having my two kids, I became a SAHM and when my firstborn was 15 months old, we got the dx that he was PDD NOS, which is on the autism spectrum. I worked with many autistic kids, but never thought my son would be on the spectrum. Again, that was almost a yr. ago that we found out and it still hurts my heart to the core. This is not how I planned my life to be. My heart if filled with many emotions; sadness, hope, uneasiness, etc. It just depends on the day. I DO KNOW though, that whatever I am feeling, that HE is with me, even though it may not seem like it sometimes. Your message just reaffirms that all will be okay in the hands of our graceful God.

    Jill in MN

  • Andrea

    Sendin’ prayers right now! God bless your family and Sara’s family. I can’t even fathom the grief, but know that God will always be there for you to scream at. His Grace is indescribable!

  • Olivia

    Angie & Todd..words can not express what you mean to me. Audrey’s life has changed mine. Know that my prayers are with you and even though we havent meant..i feel part of the smith family. I love you guys. Jer 29:11

  • Jennifer

    Oh Angie, I cannot imagine the pain and the questions. I just keep lifting you up in prayer knowing that our great God is still in control and still working all things for his glory.

    Your little Audrey was perfect, even with no medical reasoning, she was perfect. She was perfectly created to accomplish an incredible little life, so short here on earth, but reaching far beyond what you could ever imagine.

    I am pregnant too right now and I though I think every mother “fears” having to go thru what your family has gone thru, reading and following your story has brought me incredible peace. I know that God is in control of my baby’s life too and whatever he chooses to do with this little life that he has given I will somehow thru his grace be able to handle.

    And what a precious story of big sister sharing her picture with Audrey. Oh, the simple faith of a child – it brought tears to my eyes.

  • Laurie and the rest of ‘em

    Hi Angie,

    I’ve been checking out your blog for sometime now and though I’ve not commented, your words, vulnerability and amazing faith in Christ has been such an encouragement to me. I felt compelled to say something tonight because this post just says it all. Thanks for reminding us, whatever circumstances we are facing, that we CAN take it to our Heavenly Father.
    I will continue to pray for you, and will now add your new friend and her family to my prayers.
    Gosh, thanks! God bless you and your adorable family!
    Laurie Young

  • Katie Harrison

    I, like many others who have commented here, am just joining your journey. God has blessed me through yours and Audrey’s story. I pray comfort to you through this time and prayers for endurance and patience. God will show you the good in His perfect timing.
    Thank you for your encouragement here and thank you for caring for all of us even though you do not know us.
    Katie Harrison
    Little Rock, AR

  • Brandon and Wizzy

    You are such an amazing family. You have been added to our prayers. Thank you for your amazing openness and your willingness to share your pain with us! God is certainly guiding you through this!

  • infertile

    Angie and Todd,
    I happened to stumble upon your beautiful story of courage and strength. I can not imagine your journey but I would like you to know that YOU have helped me to regain hope and faith in my God. I am amazed at your faith and you are an inspiration to me. Your family is built of beautiful spirits here on this earth and because of your willingness to share the light of Christ, other spirits are brought closer to Home. Thank You-God Bless

  • Julie

    Angie & Todd, and your beautiful girls, I sat here tonight and read your story thru tears. I felt closer to god than I have in a long time. You are both admirable people and I thank you for opening your hearts, home & pain up to me. I pray that you both can find solace in the beautiful memories you built of your sweet Audrey. Even tho she was here for such a short time, she did have a huge impact on so many people…Makes one realize, even when life gets busy, that God is ALWAYS with us, no matter what…God bless you all, this was not in vain… Know your little girl has touched and changed thousands of peoples lives… Thats more than most of us can ever wish for…I pray for Audrey,for you both, for your girls, and for the hope that god blesses you all with much happiness and joy in the years to come. You deserve it.

    Kindest Regards & Prayers,

    Julie
    Ontario, Canada

  • Carrie

    I just love how God is shows us His mercy in such unexpected ways. I LOVE how He brought you and Sara together through this blog … how He intertwined your hearts and your stories and gave you a gal who truly understands your heartache.

    Continued prayers for you and for Sara and her sweet boy!

  • Lynn

    “Bring it to Me”…there’s got to be another song in there!
    For what it’s worth, when I lost my son I found out the next week that he was perfect, too. If I could go back in time I never would have had the amnio…………
    Still praying!
    2 Corinthians 12:9-10 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

  • Anonymous

    I was referred to your site from another blogger and I’m grateful for God’s intervention and guidance. How He is using you is amazing. Thank you for allowing Him to be an instrument of His love and grace.

  • Kellie

    I will be praying for Sarah and her sweet little man. Though, he’s in a better place then we are :) I feel your pain Angie and I feel Sarah’s. Friday is the memorial for our baby boy who passed this last Sunday. We too are still awaiting the results of test for some type of reason WHY he had to go so soon :( Its hard sometimes to settle for “God’s Plan” when you don’t know what it fully is. But we take peace in seeing little bits and peices of it unfold before our eyes. When we see the change in others hearts because of our little mans life. JUST like the MANY lives that Audrey and now little Elliot will touch. I’m praying for you both. I know the heartache and I feel the pain. I definitley know the anger. So I will be praying for you both.

    I have to say kids sometimes make the toughest situations so simple. I wish sometimes I could think like a child. So to the point, but so innocent and simple. My son asked me yesterday “Mom, after Jakes funeral can we go see him whenever we want??” I answered “Of course!” His reply is what made my day “Well shoot, how much do they charge to get in!?!?!?” He said it with such concern as thought he had to go count his change to make sure he can go see his little brother :) It made me smile, and calmed my heart for the day. I wish we could all see life as simple as children. I loved hearing about your baby girl drawing that picture and holding it up for her sissy to see.

    As always, I’m praying for you and your family.

  • Anonymous

    Dear Angie:
    You and your family continue to be in our prayers. You are so right, The Lord is always there ready to pick us up when we are falling apart. Is hard to process when there is a why???? Just remember that we know nothing about the future, He knows…… He knows…. Like you said, Trust in HIM, and one day, very soon when we enter thru the gates of heaven HE will explain the why!… As human we can’t possibly understand, and the pain in unbearable. Hold on to HIM and his promises. We’ll be praying for Sara that the Lord could give them the peace and comfort they so desperly need at this time too.
    Hang in there……
    Love
    Judy, CA

  • iheartchocolate

    I pray the Lord wrap His loving arms around you and give you peace.

    One day, we will dance with them.

    I am sorry about your friend and her precious Elliot, but imagine her life without YOU in it. God has a plan.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    I read your blog yesterday and watched the interview. On my way home, I cried again as I drove thinking of your precious daughter lifting her picture to heaven. I thought of a funeral I’d attended many years ago for the little daughter of friends who had passed away from a brain tumor at the age of 7 or 8. Although I felt so bad for them, I understand their pain better now after reading your blog regularly. You’re not just Audrey’s voice, you’re the voice of so many sad mothers who’ve given their children back to God too soon (and that means, at any age.) There are so many references to other hurting mothers in your blog responses, many other blogs out there, but God chose you to articulate for so many. He gave you the gift that helps others to understand in a small part the pain . Thank you for being faithful and sharing with us…and for trusting God through the good days and bad. Thank you for sharing the beautiful and simple faith of your little daughters with us. I’ll be praying…

    Trudi
    FLN

  • Suzanne

    I have just read your blog and my thoughts are with you and your lovely family. Thank you for sharing your beautiful blog with us.

  • Catherine

    Praying for your friend and her precious family as they face today…and tomorrow. What a beautiful perspective you have. Thank you so much for showing us how we can lift everything to God, the good and the bad, and that he’ll welcome us and understand. Thank you.

    A local funeral home allows children to write to the person who has passed away and then as part of the service they take the notes, pictures, etc. and tie them to helium balloons and let them go outside. Sometimes it helps the children feel like their message is ‘going somewhere’ but I love that your little girl just held her picture up and knew that her baby sister could see it. Such a precious moment.

  • boltefamily

    Wow Angie! I can so understand some of what you are feeling. I have lost two children shortly after birth to something they originally diagnosed as an infection with Isaac and now are thinking it is genetic (obviously since it happened twice) I am still reeling from the loss and I also want a diagnosis though despite all of their tests they can find NOTHING. It is so hard to make sense of any of this. I guess we don’t really need to though. God is in control but sometimes it would sure be nice if he showed himeself to us as a burning bush or something obvious instead of waiting for us to be still and whispering. :-)

    I will be praying for you and for your sweet friend.

    Much Love,
    Kristy
    http://www.babybolte.blogspot.com

  • Aimee

    It is so beautiful to see God working through your lovely children- I believe that they will help to heal your heart with their wisdom. I just wanted to let you know that I am still praying faithfully for your family!

    Love & prayers

    Aimee Wade
    Avon, NY

  • Amanda

    You are such an inspiration!! Your girls sound so sweet!!

    Keeping your family and Saras in my prayers!!

  • MMM

    I’ve recently started reading your blog because another blogger mentioned gave me the link. My heart pours out for you and your family and I tear up when I read your posts. You have been through so much, yet your strength is so evident through your words. Your trust in God is inspriring to me as I go through my own sorrows right now that pale in comparison to yours. I just read this post and you made me realize if YOU can have this much faith and hope that I should try even harder. Thanks for giving a complete stranger a lesson. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. You’ll get through this. Just take one day at a time and realize your words are an inspiration to many.

  • Mellissa

    Dear Angie, Know that so many of us cannot fathom your pain. And while we stand with asking why we hold you up in prayer. One site that may have some additional resources for you and Todd and your girls is: http://www.aplacetoremember.com/
    I have purchased several books and workbooks for children of my friends who have also lost a baby. Love, peace and prayer for you…

  • Anonymous

    In my heart, it doesn’t seem fair or right that God is using your deepest sorrows to encourage others…but this is in fact what is happening! Everytime I read your blog it touches my heart in the very depths that I cannot even explain to my husband. It brings me back to a place where I can tilt my head to God, The Maker of Heaven and Earth…The Comforter…The Counselor where I can “bring it to Him”!
    Thank you, Angie…He certainly is good…He has given a gift to many through you…and you are no doubt, along with your friend Sara are in so many prayers!

  • Shelby

    Angie,
    You and your family are daily in our prayers. I wish I knew you here on earth, you are a beautiful person, inside and out. We will all have quite a reunion one day in Heaven! Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being so honest. It helps us all, no matter what we are going through. God Bless.

  • Julie

    Angie, your faith absolutely amazes me. I am so sorry you have no reason for Audrey’s loss. I truely understand the anger, and the hurt, and the bitterness. I still struggle with it 5 years after the loss of our son Caleb. He was perfect and normal in every way, but the cord that kept him alive for those 9 months killed him. I have a very hard time with the why’s and what if’s. It’s hard to grasp the whole thing, and not be angry with God. I know he understands, and I know he too lost a son, but I have SUCH a hard time remembering that. Your words are inspiring Angie, and they do remind me that God does love us, no matter what happens in our lives. I am saying a prayer for sweet Elliot, and his whole family.

  • Michelle

    I was brought to your blog through a friend. My heart aches and weeps for you and your loss. God has placed Steven Curtis Chapman’s song “Carry You to Jesus” in my head just now and I know it is for you. As a sister in Christ, I will carry you to Jesus. I cannot begin to fathom your pain, but our Savior can and does. He loves you and longs to take this hurt away. May peace surround you and your family as you continue to grieve your loss. Our thoughts and prayer are with you.

  • Kelly

    I just read this on a blog and I HAD to come here and post it for you.

    And God Said

    I said, “God, I hurt.” And God said, “I know.”
    I said, “God, I cry a lot.” And God said, “That is why I gave you tears.”
    I said, “God, I am so depressed.” And God said, “That is why I gave you Sunshine.”
    I said, “God, life is so hard.” And God said, “That is why I gave you loved ones.”
    I said, “God, my child died.” And God said, “So did mine.”
    I said, “God, it is such a loss.” And God said, “I saw my son nailed to a cross.”
    I said, “God, but your son lives.” And God said, “So does yours.”
    I said, “God, where are they now?” And God said, “Mine is on My right and Yours is in the Light.”
    I said, “God, it hurts.” And God said, “I know.”

  • Anonymous

    I read this post yesterday and was a little loss for words. Still am really. But I just want to say I’m still praying, and will for your friend, Sara, as well.
    You truly do inspire me. My faith has been challenged, in a wonderful way, because of this blog. (((hugs)))

    Krista

  • Dotwigg

    Angie, I learned about your blog, your families story and Audrey from Pass the salt, please; I was so moved by you and your husbands testimony and strength. But more so the “trueness and honesty about trusting God but still questioning and Loving God but struggling with anger over His plan. I love the path you all are following God’s leading down, what a legacy for Audrey and your other daughters. Prayers for you and your family and the ministry of Audrey Caroline are sent up for encouragement and strength for the work God has you doing. Your precious little girl is making a difference, you are making a difference in lives of people you have never met. Thank you!

  • Laurie

    Angie-
    I have been keeping up with your story for a while now. I think about and pray for you all often. Thank you for sharing your story. Your faith is such an encouragement to me. You are an amazing person.

  • Anna Grace`s Jie Jie

    He is SOO good!!!! I will be prayin g for Elliot’s family………..

  • Hope

    I don’t know what to say, or better yet how to say it. The video, the plan B video….everything, it all touches parts of my heart that are tender.

    When you said that there are no plan B’s, it hit home like nothing else. I know HE has a plan, knowing that and trusting Him doesn’t mean we won’t still pray for how we want plan A to be! It is so hard when our plan A and His are not the same. But His grace, His amazing grace sustains us until our bruised faith and trust is fully restored.

    Your sweet baby girl, she – through you- is bringing that healing to so many people.

    you are in my prayers!

  • Anonymous

    Angie,

    Although I know that not a lot can be said to ease your pain right now, I just wanted to tell you that you and your family are some of the most amazing people I know. Thank you for reminding us what Faith and Trust in Him are really about.
    I will keep you and all your loved ones in my prayers.

  • destiny

    just stumbled upon this today… had i known i would end up here today i would not have spent all that time putting mascara on..

    you are very beautiful,
    what an awesome ministry you have, you are a blessing to people all over the world, you will never know how much (or how many) people have been touched by your story.
    your treasures are vast in heaven
    (starting with audrey, and as a result of her life)
    wow! God has amazing ways of receiving glory, through many sacrifices.
    GOD bless you, and your BEAUTIFUL family.

  • Eric and Michelle

    This was an amazing post!

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    According to the Selah website, today is a concert. Which probably means that Todd is traveling again. So just know at this time I am saying extra prayers for you!! This post is amazing. You continue to touch the lives of many….

  • Anonymous

    You really encourage me because I too tend to think I need to understand/take care of everything when that is really God’s job. Thanks so much. I’ll keep praying.

  • Becca

    Angie,

    I was just telling someone today about you. I never knew before that it is OKAY to be mad, confused and hurt with/by God and to let him know about it (like He doesn’t know anyway?) Tonight my two year old pitched the biggest fit. And just like that it came to me. I don’t lover her any less when she is mad. In fact, I kept telling her, “Mommy loves you, you can scream and cry and be mad at me all you want, Mommy still loves you.” It is the same way with God – He can take it – I can scream and get mad and “pitch a fit” and He will still love me. Even when I am not on my best behavior – He still loves me. Thank you for giving me this new freedom in my ongoing walk with the Lord. To show Him all of me – even the mad and confused parts.

    And I am praying for your dear friend and her family.

    Your daughters simple trust in her realtionship with Audrey is humbling. She knows that she can still love her sister and that she still has her sister.

    Peace and Hugs,
    Becca
    Proud Guatemama to Ella

  • Michelle

    What Makes a Mother

    I thought of you and closed my eyes
    And prayed to God today.
    I asked what makes a Mother
    And I know I heard him say.

    A Mother has a baby
    This we know is true
    But God can you be a Mother
    When your baby’s not with you?

    Yes, you can He replied
    With confidence in His voice
    I give many women babies
    When they leave is not their choice

    Some I send for a lifetime
    And others for a day.
    And some I send to feel your womb
    But there’s no need to stay

    I just don’t understand this, God
    I want my baby here
    He took a breath and cleared His throat
    And then I saw a tear.

    I wish I could show you
    What your child is doing today.
    If you could see your child smile
    With other children and say

    We go to earth to learn our lessons
    Of love and life and fear.
    My Mommy loved me oh so much
    I got to come straight here.

    I feel so lucky to have a Mom
    Who had so much love for me
    I learned my lesson very quickly
    My mommy set me free.

    I miss my Mommy oh so much
    But I visit her each day.
    When she goes to sleep
    On her pillow’s where I lay.

    I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
    And whisper in her ear.
    Mommy don’t be sad today
    I’m your baby and I’m here.”

    So you see my dear sweet one
    Your children are ok
    Your babies are here in My home
    And this is where they’ll stay.
    They’ll wait for you with Me
    Until your lesson is through.
    And on the day that you come home
    They’ll be at the gates for you

    So now you see what makes a Mother
    It’s the feeling in your heart.
    It’s the love you had so much
    right from the very start

  • Kenzie

    Angie-

    Oh that is just beautiful and tears fill my eyes right now… the sweet innocence of these babies here with us. I will be praying for Sara and her family as they suffer the loss of their precious Elliot. I know this is so hard… we both know first hand something we don’t want. But thank you for showing everyone that we are still okay… okay to be happy, okay to grieve and everything in between the shouts and tears. I am waiting for the perfect time to use those precious words from your song… thank you!

    Love lots,
    Kenzie

  • Gene McIntyre (www.cometothealtar.com)

    Dear Angie, tonight John and I studied the Word and worshipped together and read from 1 Peter. We meditated on the passage that reads that we are to add to our faith, godliness, to our godliness, perseverance, to our perseverance, knowledge, to our knowledge, self control, to our self-control, brotherly kindness and to our broherly kindness, love. For many of us, that have grown to love you, you are a woman filled with the Lord and full of faith, godliness, perseverance, knowledge of who He is, of self-control in the midst of the storm, kind enough to care about others’ being built up even as you are tried and for sure, filled with unbelievable love to others, to your family, to Audrey Caroline. The Word told us tonight that if we cultivate this virtues, we will not fall, that we will be victorious. I thought of you and wept as we studied the Word, asking the Lord to make that Word very real to you tonight. You have a victory that is not dependent upon your circumstances, but on the faithfulness of the One who has loved you and called you to be His. He cares about you so much. My husband John wanted to remind you that Audrey is in Heaven, whole and happy; that this is a temporary season and that soon, very soon, we will all see her again and that nothing will be able to separate her again from you. Know that I love you. Gene Mc from Bradenton

  • Jeanine

    Every time I come here to check on YOU I leave with a renewed focus and understanding of our amazing God. Your honesty and gift for words are truly from Him. Thank you for sharing the depths of your heart with us. May you be filled with peace and strength as you walk through these days of grief. Praying for you and Elliot’s family.

    Jeanine
    Murfreesboro, TN

  • Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com)

    Angie,
    It amazes me how God has put others in our paths throughout our lives, at just the perfect times. You are a blessing to so many but will especially be precious, vital really, to Sarah as she has to let Elliot go home to Jesus. I had a similar situation when I found out about Mary Grace, b-4 she was born, I found a couple who’s 3rd baby had a t-18 diagnosis. I had prayed so hard for this family to get some time with their son, if only a little while, and she had come so far in her pregnancy I was so encouraged for them. And when he passed just before she was going to give birth to him, I was devestated, angry, I thought, they had come this far and You couldn’t even give them a minute? Is a dag on minute too much to ask when we are having to give them up to You? These things I don’t think we will ever understand, but we have to trust.
    Thanks for being so transparent. I will keep praying with love in Christ,
    Kim

  • Laura

    I will pray for your friend, Angie and remembering you, as well.

  • Vonda

    Dear, Angie,
    Thank you again for sharing so much with us. You are continuing to show the Father’s deep deep love.

    My husband is a pastor and one of my favorite illustrations he uses makes me cry every time. I have thought about posting it, but felt it might not be appropriate. Not now.

    A little boy was standing in the second floor window of his burning house. He could hear his father’s voice down below, urging him to jump, but he was too scared. His father kept calling, “Jump, son, jump.” Still not able to see his father, the son called out, “But Dad, I can’t see you.” And the father said, “But I can see you, and that’s all that matters.”

    Know that He sees you, even when you can’t see him, and He is ready to catch you.

    You remain in my prayers.

  • Pam

    I love this imagery Angie. Thank you so much for sharing this.

  • Mackenzie’s Forever Family

    Your story is just amazing. After many years of infertility and finally adopting the child that God truly created for our family we found ourselves pregnant…We were so pleased and then we lost her. There was little that anyone said that could comfort me until tonight when I listened to the interview you did for Cross Point. When you said there was never a Plan B….It spoke to me. I can’t even tell you how that one comment as well as your entire journey has ministered to me in a way I didn’t even know I needed.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us all. And how proud He must be of you right now.

    Megan

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Alex & Jill

    You, sweet Angie, are nothing short of a blessing to me. These words speak such peace to me and what I’m going through right now. Thank you for sharing what He has put on your heart. Sara and her family are in my prayers as well as you and yours. *HUGS*

  • Christine

    While I know that there is nothing anyone can say to take or ease the pain, but know that God is truely a merciful and Awesome God.

    I have struggled with the loss of twins in August and just recently lost another twin in this pregnancy. While I stuggle with the “whys” – i am reminded everyday that my 3 angels are with our Lord and savior.

    May the blessings of your faith and strength continue to provide a source love and support to Elliots mom.

    charms

  • Anonymous

    Hello Angie, you don’t know me. I heard about your website from a family members blog. Her name is Ali Feldman and her and her husband Jon lost their baby girl, Emmalee, last week. She was 13 days old. They have a beautiful blog at feldmanbaby.blogspot.com. It’s a wonderful testament to their faith in Jesus Christ. Please keep them in your prayers as you know what they are going through. I will keep you in my prayers as well. God bless you and your family.

    Candie Evavold

  • Anonymous

    angie,
    does this mean that audrey’s death was due to kidney/heart problems, but NOT trisomy 18?
    love this song:
    Beams of Heaven

    1. Beams of heaven as I go,
    through the wilderness below,
    guide my feet in peaceful ways,
    turn my midnights into days.
    When in the darkness I would grope,
    faith always sees a star of hope,
    and soon from all life’s grief and danger
    I shall be free someday.
    I shall be free someday.

    2. Often times my sky is clear,
    joy abounds without a tear;
    though a day so bright begun,
    clouds may hide tomorrow’s sun.
    There’ll be a day that’s always bright,
    a day that never yields tonight,
    and in its light the streets of glory
    I shall behold someday.
    I shall behold someday.

    3. Harder yet may be the fight;
    right may often yield to might;
    wickedness a while may reign;
    Satan’s cause may seem to gain.
    But there’s a God that rules above
    with hand of power and heart of love;
    and if I’m right, he’ll fight my battle,
    I shall have peace someday.
    I shall have peace someday.

    4. Burdens now may crush me down,
    disappointments all around;
    troubles speak in mournful sigh,
    sorrow through a tear-stained eye.
    There is a world where pleasure reigns,
    no mourning soul shall roam its plains,
    and to that land of peace and glory
    I shall want to go someday.
    I shall want to go someday.
    I shall want to go someday.

  • Randi

    May you be blessed today. Thank you for sharing … your witness is strong.

  • Anissa

    Last year my 15 year old daughter was seriously injured in a car accident. She broke her back in 3 places, had a spinal cord injury and a ton of other injuries. She, well we, have been searching for answers, why God? Why her? Why can’t you just fix her? While we are so very blessed she is even with us, the questions are none the less there…I felt your frustration in your post and found great comfort in your answer. Just turn it over to God, he can handle it…we will continue to seek answers and comfort and continue to pray for you, your family and Elliot and his family…

  • Heather

    My heart breaks for you as you take this journey and yet there is a joy that emulates from the darkest corners of your deepest despair. I am confused by my feelings of encouragement, hope, sadness, and anguish that all seem to come at one time. I have been completely captivated by each and every post. I am praying for you and your family and love the reminder….bring it to Me.

    I will keep Elliot’s family in my prayers also.

    Thank you for your unfailing faith. Thank you for sharing this journey. Thank you for showing what it means to truly trust in God.

    Love and Blessings to you, sister.

  • Milk Mama

    Sara is in my prayers. Thank God for little Abby. Children are so precious!

  • kim

    Angie,

    Isnt it interesting that someone that I dont know is where I have come to turn for inseration. I am sorry that you are hurting but glad that you are angry, corny as it sounds that is a sign that you are on the path to a stronger realtionship with our father. My prayers and love are with you and Sara and Elliot. I know that you need a reason for why this happened to Audry, but one thing that I have learned from a friend who had a baby born too soon, is that sometimes that babys spirt is too pure. That they are have a purpose greater than all of us and that you will be with her again.You will get your chance to raise her, and boy will that be a great day in the glourious kingdom of Heaven. I wish I could give you a big hug, let you know how you have become a friend who I pray for daily and let you know that I dont know when but through his sacrafice we will be perfect and whole and happy and most of all you will be togther. HUGS and CUPCAKES:) Kim

  • Suzie

    Read Audrey’s story this morning.
    I am touched beyond words.
    I have been telling my Eli’s story on my blog for a few days now and a bloggy friend sent me your link.

    Thank you so much for sharing this.
    I want you to know my prayers today include your name & Sara’s.

  • Karen

    Angie,
    I just found your site. I don’t know what to say. It seems like you have a good support group helping to hold you up. I know we should depend wholly on God, but He also uses people to help. I pray for you an inexpressible and glorious joy. There is another site I follow of a mom who lost her baby in December after three hours. (www.poppyjoy.blogspot.com)She is so amazing and inspiring through her ‘new normal.’ That’s what I call these kinds of things in life. Although I have never been through anything like you, I have a child that was born with some health issues. I have not gone back to normal. I have a new normal. I am forever changed. Every decision, thought, feeling, and emotion is filtered through a different lens. However, God has not changed. He is constant and consistent.

    You are in my prayers.

  • Shannon

    Angie, Just wanted to let you know that I continue to walk this journey in prayer with you. Love, Shannon

  • Karen

    Angie,

    Here I am posting again because I just watched the video. I just wanted to tell you don’t ever stop talking about Audrey. It is probably very healing for you, and it is a testamony of her life and legacy. Don’t stop talking. For you. For her. For the ears that hear.

  • Jen

    I wish there was a way to go from commentor to being international friends without sounding creepy.

    I’ve been thinking about you all last night and today. I prayed for you, I’m trusting it was timely. *sigh* I feel so helpless, you know. How I’d love to be more help, more of a support… and we don’t even know each other! How dear you have come to be to me through your words. I hope that doesn’t sound stalker-ish.

    I wait (im)patiently for your next post :) It is such an honour to pray for you, sweet Angie.

  • Salzwedel Family

    Thank you for continuing to touch my life through the story of Audrey. I feel your pain & I lift you up in prayer. May God wrap His arms around you & give you peace.

  • Kenzie

    Angie-

    I wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking a lot about you today and this evening… we’re here in Houston, as is Todd… which then means you are home with the girls. We are members of Second Baptist, but couldn’t make it to the concert tonight… I just wanted you to know that you have been on my mind a lot and I’ve been praying for you guys. I kept listening to KSBJ (the local Christian station) and their interviews to see if Audrey would come up… they discussed several other important things (Pure Springs, the Congo, etc.) but not her. I know this must continue to be difficult as he tours, but just remember that there are so many praying for your family, when you are together and apart.

    Much love and many blessings,
    Kenzie Stanfield

  • Heather Christine

    Thank you Angie, I have to remember that God does know how this world effects us. I have to believe that the desires of my heart came from him, are known by Him and that He will fulfill those desires in His time and not in mine.

  • da momma

    What a neat picture you painted in my head for me! Your daughters are precious! Your faith is so strong! Your words are so true! You remain on my heart everyday! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with the world!

  • Cathy

    Your entry has touch me so deeply! The image of your daughter holding her picture up for your precious Angel to see. Reminds us all how close God really is. Thank you for sharing your precious moments with us.
    CAthy & Annabel

  • Anonymous

    My dearest Angie – I have been reading your blog daily but have not had the courage to respond as I am going through the same thing you are. Our son, John Henry, died at birth…”for no medical reason” as well. I am not one to articulate my feelings eloquantly so please know that I feel your pain, frustration, joy, love, saddness, confusion, and awe. I have been praying for you and your family for some time now – I pray that you all find peace and comfort in His arms and some day, in His perfect timing, you will find the joy to dance with Him.

  • Vera

    I just found out that, most likely, I am in the middle of a miscarriage… and while I was feeling really down this morning, I knew you probably had exactly the right thing to say, and of course you did. Thank you.

    You remain in my daily prayers.

  • Natalie

    What an amazing picture of faith! I needed to be reminded to tilt my face toward HIM! Thanks for that picture!

  • Alli

    Thinking of you and your wonderful family. Your faith has brought me closer to God – there is no doubt about that and I thank you for it.

    God bless -

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing your heart. So many are being blessed by your selflessness.

  • Michelle

    you know how you felt when your new friend’s baby died? that is how WE felt (your readers) when Audrey did. It is how my best friend felt when my son died. It really is a sisterhood that we share, and yet many of us will never know the mothers that walk the same paths. That is such a shame, isnt it?
    It is so real, this pain. My boy died in 2000, he was 3. There is never a day that goes by that Im not wiping clay from my forehead in some way or another. His death left its mark on me in profound ways, and that changed me, forever. His big brother used to look up to the sky and tell me he could “see Alex and his crew” in the clouds. It was so comforting, and so painful too.

    Have you ever heard the song “Who You’de Be Today”? It was done by Kenny Chesney.

    Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
    I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
    I feel you everywhere I go.
    I see your smile, I see your face,
    I hear you laughin’ in the rain.
    I still can’t believe you’re gone.

    It ain’t fair: you died too young,
    Like the story that had just begun,
    But death tore the pages all away.
    God knows how I miss you,
    All the hell that I’ve been through,
    Just knowin’ no-one could take your place.
    An’ sometimes I wonder,
    Who’d you be today?

    Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
    Settle down with a family,
    I wonder what would you name your babies?
    Some days the sky’s so blue,
    I feel like I can talk to you,
    An’ I know it might sound crazy.

    It ain’t fair: you died too young,
    Like the story that had just begun,
    But death tore the pages all away.
    God knows how I miss you,
    All the hell that I’ve been through,
    Just knowin’ no-one could take your place.
    An’ sometimes I wonder,
    Who you’d be today?

    Today, today, today.
    Today, today, today.

    Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
    I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
    The only thing that gives me hope,
    Is I know I’ll see you again some day.

    Some day, some day, some day.

    You will see her again. That doesnt make the moments standing beside a gravesite any easier. It doesnt help in the middle of the night when you wake up scared. But it is true. I have to believe it is true.

    http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=2bd4316d179bc4195c0503&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

  • Gene McIntyre (www.cometothealtar.com)

    God is good Angie. I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you this weekend. Tonight, as John and I ministered to a lady that has had a lengthy struggle with depression and anxiety, we spoke about you and your trial and how 2 Corinthians 1 has been made real in your situation, where even in the midst of your pain, you have been a channel of blessing and comfort for the many women that have been touched by a similar situation. I prayed for you today. Just wanted you to know that the Lord is using you and Audrey’s story for his glory. Also wanted to remind you that in spite how much you miss your little baby girl, please remember that Jesus is holding her and that she is safe and secure and lacks nothing. I love you, Angie and will continue to pray for you. Amen. GeneMc

  • Gene McIntyre (www.cometothealtar.com)

    Good morning Angie and blessings to you. I prayed for you this morning. I just prayed for Sara. I figure Elliot and Audrey need not our prayers. They are probably playing together as I type. May you have a day filled with a joy and a peace that is not dependent upon your circumstances, but the reassurance deep in your heart, that you have been purchased and that Jesus paid a high price for your peace. All we that are burdened, have someone to come to and deposit our cares. I pray you will deposit your cares on the shoulders of the God Man who loves you. Know that you are loved. Oh, Angie. And although you strike me as one of those super-moms, please remember, in the midst of your grief, to pour love on your precious three princesses. They are mourning too and they need mommy. Love you so much. GeneMc Bradenton

  • The 311 Boys Mom

    I am so happy that you have god. My son had cancer, he’s cancer free now (almost 5 yrs); but after he was diagnosed (a few months after) I went to church & walked & questioned & screamed & begged & cried to God. Yet, I heard nothing. Not then, I’m not so sure I do now.

    I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to read your Abby story, kids know things, feel things; this I know is true; their innocence opens them to things that go unseen or ignored my many adults.

    I think when i went to church I was too forced; listening to hard.
    I didn’t grow up going to church.

    I went as a mom when i couldn’t figure out why this happened to my kid. I went with an expectation of an answer, clear as day.

    I never got that.

    I assumed his cancer was because of all the bad things I had done. Kids paying for the sins of their parents kind of thing.

    But reading you, i don’t know that I really believe that anymore. You are steadfast in your belief & hold Him strong in your heart & soul. Like nothing I’ve ever seen.

    I know there’s a reason for everything & like you needed a Diagnosis, I need to know the reason these things happen . . .they are children. I know God lost his & for that I would think he would make sure other parents didn’t.

    Reading you makes me appreciate so many thing.

    Reading you makes me a better person.

    Reading you makes me believe in a God I may have given up on.

    I don’t know how to pray with all the fancy (fancy=reciting parts of bible, etc) ways I read that you do & others, but like Abby, I look up & just talk.

    I hope that’s enough when I ask Him to help you through this. To keep you strong.
    *hugs*

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • John & Michelle

    Hi Angie!
    This may get long so please forgive me. Hubby and I are on the long road toward Chinese adoption. Seems like when we got ready to start the process so did thousands of other families. My heart aches for my child that I don’t yet know. Around Christmas 2007, I started to pray differently about our baby to be. I had the thought that maybe “my” plan had been to go to China and the Lord had something different in mind for us. Before that time, I had prayed for the birthmom in China. Now I ask God to bring us the baby he means for us to have. Since Christmas, we have been in touch with 3 birth moms. For different reasons, nothing has worked out. We traveled 6.5 hours this past weekend to meet a birth mom that is due on May 14th. She is sad. We are sad for her and her parents. I cried so hard Sunday morning for all of us and the baby girl that needs us as much as we need her. I know that the Lord will work out the details in his perfect time and not in my own selfish time, and that he’ll deliver to us the one he means for us to have! I will remember what you wrote in the days to come.
    Bring it to me!
    Thanks so much for sharing so much with all of us!
    Love and Prayers from Illinois,
    Michelle

  • Anonymous

    amen.

    praise God for your honesty.

  • Kids Special Needs

    I think clowns are creepy too.

    My youngest son drew picture after picture for his sister. First, it was in anticipation of her. There became so many pictures on her bedroom door while we waited for her, that we put them in a book.

    We still have the book. I want him to know how precious he is, to have wanted to welcome his sister so much.

    One time this year when I flipped his mattress, I found his picture of his sister, under his mattress. Kids process things in such an interesting way. I think he likes it there by him when he sleeps. When we lost our little girl, he couldn’t sleep alone for about a year. Now I think he can sleep alone with his picture by his side. As a side note, this particular son has a form of autism, so I’m glad he is able to be comforted in some sort of fashion thru this. Alot of things are difficult for him to “get”. And we all know that we, as adults, don’t “get” the loss of a child.

    Hugs to you and your family.

  • Anonymous

    Good morning friend…I’m thinking of you and praying for you this morning. I hope you can feel the prayers lifted up for you and your precious family. I know a lot of times once you bury a loved one and have a memorial service for them, you feel like people forget. Just want you to know that we are not forgetting…you ARE and WILL CONTINUE TO BE in my prayers.

    God bless you!
    Amy
    amy@philippians121.com

  • Jeni

    I friend sent me a link to your blog and I just began reading.

    We lost our little one, Hazel, on April 15th. I was 31 weeks pregnant. She was delivered by c-section on APril 18th.

    This has been the hardest few weeks of my life, but our God is still sovereign and I’m giving my mourning and grief to him every day.

    There are pictures of our dear, sweet Hazel on my blog and more of our story.

    Blessings to you all.

  • Jeni

    It’s the blog “A Broken Hallelujah.” I forget I have others listed, too. :)

  • Allison

    Angie,
    I found my way here through a bit of a maze, a sweet song on a photographer’s blog, to a myspace account, to a blog that encouraged me to read Audrey’s story.

    Your words, Angie, your faith, your heart, are Power, the Power of a Holy Spirit that lives fully and beautifully within you. I am in awe at how he spoke so clearly through you to me, when He said, “Bring it to me.” I needed to do that with my oh so small struggles and challenges. I needed to be reminded that I could, and that He wants me to.

    I also shared your blog on my own blog and have had many people tell me what your faith has meant to them, people who question whether they even believe or not are changed by God’s greatness in you, they are changed because they see His love, maybe for the first time, in this grief that you bare. It is a powerful thing to watch a person praise Him in ANY situation, it is powerful indeed.

    You are a jewel in His crown, as is your Audrey who is wearing a jeweled crown of her own. Imagine such a short life having so much to give to a dying world, who would’ve thought?

    Thank you, Angie. I will pray for you every time you come to mind.

    ~Alli Gaulin, Littleton NH

  • Anonymous

    I have been following your blog through Jody Ferlaak’s blog. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. We had a very similar story about 11-12 years ago (I can’t believe it was that long!). We found out, at 26 weeks, that our son had post-urethra-valve blockage. This meant that he couldn’t release the amniotic fluid that he drank in… causing his bladder and kidneys to fill of the fluid and then it began to seep into his abdominal cavity… thus making it difficult for his lungs to develop. At this same time, I developed pregnancy induced hypertension and had to go on bed rest. For his sake, I need to stay pregnant as long as I could, but for my sake I needed the pregnancy to go quickly. At 34 weeks, we had to induce the pregnancy and little Mark Christian was born. He lived a short 24 hours, but because I was so ill, I only spent a few minutes with him. I still carry lots of regrets. I am telling you all of this to say, that you are definitely not alone!!! I found comfort in your anger today. I always feel guilty for getting angry and frustrated that God didn’t heal my baby. I still have lots of questions and repeatedly have to give it back to God. This is a daily battle! Thank you for having the courage to share your feelings with strangers… Please know that you are in my thoughts as you begin this next phase of life!

    ginisellers

  • Tracey

    This is only my second time on your blog, but I have been reading through your last few entries. I cannot tell you how much your story touches me. I struggled with infertility for several years, losing a few babies to miscarriage, before finally getting pregnant 6 years ago. My little girl ended up being born 2 months early, with a host of medical problems. We nearly lost her a number of times, and I am so grateful to God that He let us keep her. But she was a very fragile baby from the start, and has had several surgeries, and continues to have medical issues. The day to day care of her is overwhelming for her and for us, even after so long. I struggle with the Why’s. Why her? Why put her through so much at such a young age? She has a belly full of scars, and my heart feels laced with pain. I wish I could put myself in her place and take it for her. And I struggle even more when people tell me that my questions mean I have no faith. Your question, “What do You have to gain from all this loss?” puts words to the pain I have been feeling for so long. I, too, believe that He is big enough to handle my anger, my doubts, my fears, my hurt. Thank you for sharing that, and helping me to know that someone out there understands this feeling.

    After another five years of infertility, God blessed us last year with a beautiful baby boy. The joy in this journey has been unspeakable. God IS good. We don’t have to understand everything about Him to know that.

    Much love and prayers to you.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    Check this out, it’s really a WOW!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e4zgJXPpI4

  • Cheatham Triplets

    Thank you for your blog. We lost our daughter Evan on November 16th. Very similar situation as Sara and Elliot. Through reading a lot of your post I have fely God release some of the hurt I have and heal me a little more. You are such a blessing.

  • Melissa S.

    I don’t know if you read these comments made on older posts, but thank you for this one. I lost my first baby to stillbirth and my third to a tubal pregnancy 4 weeks ago. I love your words about taking your hurts to God while never pretending they aren’t real and messy. I’m hurting a lot tonight and am blessed to have found your blog. God bless your family as you enter the “4 month mark,” as that can be a hard time. Thank you for sharing your story so beautifully.

  • Melissa S.

    I don’t know if you read these comments made on older posts, but thank you for this one. I lost my first baby to stillbirth and my third to a tubal pregnancy 4 weeks ago. I love your words about taking your hurts to God while never pretending they aren’t real and messy. I’m hurting a lot tonight and am blessed to have found your blog. God bless your family as you enter the “4 month mark,” as that can be a hard time. Thank you for sharing your story so beautifully.

  • Dancing B.A.G. Lady

    We lost a son 14 years ago. I was 7 months pregnant and during the ultrasound it was discovered that he was no longer with us.

    I carried him for another week before I was induced. They never found anything explaining what happened. All I know is that I was so determined to get pregnant as soon as the doctors said it was ok. Paige was born 11 months later.

    It is so weird thinking that Paige would not be with us if we hadn’t lost Halen. We figure she is the female versus of him or maybe even both wrapped into one.

    We went 7 years before I could get the guts up to have our third child. I figured why stretch our luck.

    Well Gavin was born 6 years ago following the most difficult and painful labor. I ended up having a C-section, with complications. They discovered that I had a double chambered uterus during surgery, which may explain many strange things that happened during my pregnancies and the death of Halen.

    We speculate that the placenta attached to the center between the two chambers where the blood supply was sparse. The placenta could not sustain him as he grew.

  • Rhonda

    Wow. I’m speechless.

    That was a beautiful, powerful post.

  • woodwardteam

    I just lost my baby girl, lack of fluid, undeveloped lungs, but they thought she may be a dwarf. She wasn’t, only had club feet. I totally understand what you went through. I am there!! My baby girl was 30 hours when she passed. My sweet baby girl! I will pray for you while you are going through your loss. I know that it is been a few months, but I will still pray.