Jessica and I got together yesterday so that she could give me my Birthday present (it’s on May 19th…she’s an overachiever at planning:)), and she also gave me a little grief over the fact that I hadn’t updated my blog in the past week.  The truth is that I just don’t know what to say. This is such a strange time, because one minute I’m laughing at something someone said to me, and the next I’m crying my eyes out.  I dropped off Sawyer at a kennel this morning (we are going to the beach for a week), and I couldn’t stop myself from falling apart when he walked out of eyesight.  I told the lady that I would probably be calling later to check in on him, and she actually made me feel like I wasn’t crazy, which was nice.  I was fumbling through all of these completely unnecessary instructions (like, “Make sure he eats his food” and “I hope he plays with the other dogs…” Ummm, yeah, Angie.  It’s a dog kennel.  I’m sure they’ve worked out the whole “dogs need food to stay alive” thing…)  She just let me talk.  I finally told her the story of Audrey and felt like I was coming across as a lunatic.  
Here’s the amazing thing…she acted like I wasn’t a lunatic.  In fact, even though we might never see each other again, she made me feel like she would rather be listening to me than doing anything else.  It amazes me that people care the way they do.  God has blessed me with many of these “strangers,” and I always think about the way that the Lord has allowed them to pass through my day, images of His grace in human form.
And so, as I type, I realize that I was wrong.
I do have something to say.
I am grateful.
When I was driving home yesterday, Ellie had her feet hanging out of the back window, and I kept looking in my rear-view mirror and seeing her toes tap along to the music while the wind blew through them.
I am grateful.
I found out that my sister-in-law got a false positive on a medical test.
I am grateful.
I am shaking and sobbing as I write, because I know that you are reading this, and that you will encourage me in my grief.  
I am grateful.
My friend Jess (a different one!) from my church Community Group came over yesterday and took my girls to McDonald’s and to the Dollar Store to get me a Mother’s Day gift (one balloon, one card, three stuffed monkeys and a stuffed pig…what could be better?)
I am grateful.
Four days after Audrey died, I went on a weekend retreat with my Bible Study girls.  I have been a part of this group for about four years, and we have shared life in a way that defies the world today.  I think we are the “Ya-Ya’s who love Jesus.” We even took a candlelight pledge that involved sparkling cider and personalized hats:)  In a rustic log cabin in the woods, they loved me through the hardest days of my life.  They climbed in my bed with me while I sobbed, wiped my face, prayed over me, and made me laugh despite the pain.  
I am grateful.
Since I have started writing this entry, I have received several emails from people who will never see my face, but have chosen to enter into my story.
I am grateful.
This Sunday is Mother’s Day, and I am the mother of five children…three here and two in heaven. I know. I haven’t told the story, so you may not know that Todd and I also lost our first baby early in pregnancy.  That sweet baby is with Audrey, and one day, I will see them both again.
I am grateful.
There are other developments in my life that I want to share with you when the time is right. God has such a way of making Himself known.  Reminding me of the life that waits up ahead. In the meantime, know this…
I am grateful.
I want to do something a little different here, so stick with me.  
I get a lot of emails where people ask me questions.  They range from the deeply spiritual to the gloriously mundane.  My goal is to answer all of them, but time has escaped me and there are many that I never have the chance to address.  I thought this would be a neat way for me to connect with you, so if you want to, write your question in the “comments” section and I will do my best to answer them in my blogs so that everyone can see.  This idea (thank you Jess #1 ) feels like community to me, and I love that.  So please, let’s share a little more life in the coming days.  Feel free to leave any other comments as well…I love hearing from you. 
Here are a few photos from my Bible Study Retreat….I hope they encourage you to make a list of some of the things that you are grateful for today.  And, Secret-Saintly-Sisters, I love you all.
Jess, Julie, Me, Amy, Jenny (with Reid), Kristin, Larissa, Jeannie, Melissa, Audra, Melissa, Cherilyn, and Katie (and Kristen, who was in England).  

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  • Tamora

    I have just sat here for 3 hours reading your journey. My face is red, my eyes ache with tears, my shirt is wet and my daughter just asked me why I was crying. How can I explain in just a few minutes as she is heading to bed, why I am crying… You have touched me so deeply, that my small comment can never express. Your faith, your honesty, your love and your hope has made me take a look at how I look at things in my life. I love our Jesus and I know he lives and is walking with each of us and is there with us when we call to HIM! My prayers for comfort will continue to be with you as your days become weeks and your weeks become months. I pray for peace and safe keeping.

  • jess

    God Bless you Angie! I am grateful that God has given you the strength to share your story. You are in my prayers:)

  • Jen

    I check up on you multiple times a day, Angie. Because I am stalking you. No, not really, *smile* but because everytime you update, I can specify my prayers for you more accurately. Don’t feel like you need to have something profound to write every time. Heck, something like “today we had breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing much else happened” would be plenty! And just becasue boring things happened that day doesn’t make the prayers become less frequent or ferverent, but I, too, become grateful, and can thank God for just a smidgie bit of ‘normal’ for you.

    You’ve asked for questions? I’d really like to ask “can we be friends for real?” *grin* but I suppose I would also really like to know what you do to be so close to God? Even before Audrey. Quiet time, study… what helps you cultivate your intimate relationship with Christ?… and how did you get started?! The Lord has been urging me to go deeper and deeper into relationship with Him… but I haven’t the foggiest where to start.

    You remain in my heart and prayers, Angie. You, Todd and your girls.

  • Nicole

    I only found your blog a couple of weeks ago, but want to tell you that your story has profoundly changed me. I also have a baby in Heaven (lost in early pregnancy) and your honest, eloquent, emotionally raw posts have helped me deal with emotions I had not really faced yet. God IS working and you are reaching SO many in His name! Thank you for allowing me in…I will continue to pray for you and your family.

  • Nicole

    Great question Jen (above) and I too have felt the need to grow even more in my relationship with God, but am at a loss as to where to start…

  • BuckeyeNP

    I have no clue how I found your blog but have been keeping up since several weeks before Audrey’s birth. I also saw you on the cross point video from your friend Jessica’s blog…you guys are amazing, although I’m sure you’ll say it’s Jesus who is doing amazing things through you. Wish you peace and joy in this journey…

  • Carrie

    I smiled as I read entry. I left 8 pages of instructions for my in-laws who are watching our 2 boys this week. My husband and I will celebrate 5 years of marriage tomorrow … and yes, I even wrote such things as “remember to feed Eli!” Like my mother-in-law, a trained nurse … is going to forget to feed our kids :) You just can’t not be a mom … even if it’s to a puppy! Have a wonderful time at the beach! I will miss seeing the cherry blossoms up here in Canada (we return to the hot desert tomorrow) but I’ll still be praying for your family! My husband is traveling to Tennessee in June (for the Nationwide golf tournament) and I suggested that I tag along and pop by for coffee! Strange how the blog world just makes you feel Many hugs for your family!

  • Kori

    Angie I live in Alabama in a very small town. I go to an amazing Church. Your family has been on our prayer chain for quite sometime. And I have read, reread your story. Your strength alone amazes me. I have not always had the strongest relationship with God. But due to our own trials I now can say I do. God Bless you and your beautiful family.

  • Anonymous

    I agree with Jen, we just want to know how you are doing. We dont need a story, although I love your stories!
    I have past your story of Audrey along to my friends as it has made such an impact on my life.
    As I have said in previous comments, my sister is wanting me to find God again. But I have found that being a 36 year old mother of three with a husband in Iraq, I’m embarrassed that I dont know more than I do. But I feel the need and the want. Because you have shown me testimonies that have touched me so. I wonder why now? Why now is he calling to me? What is he leading me to? Is he preparing me for something? I am afraid of the answers to these questions and dont know that I could be as strong as you and Todd have been through your trials.
    I thank you! I AM grateful that my sisters blog led me to yours.


  • Lynn

    It’s interesting….I go to lots of sites and many times the writer will say they don’t have much to write…more times than not, a long post follows. Writing really makes the heart open up!
    Praying for your family!!!!!!!!!!
    Psalms 18:6 In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears.

  • Anonymous

    . . .Still praying, Angie. And lovin’ you from Athens, Georgia. Erika :)

  • Anonymous

    By the way, I have no idea how my comment linked to a “prayer bears” web site. Puzzled, E :)

  • Joy

    Hearing that your friends climbed into your bed to wipe your tears and hold you made me cry. I don’t have friends like that and I’m so incredibly glad that you do!!! Because you especially need that.
    And it seems like you had such a blessed retreat.

    What does retreat mean? To get away, to come back refreshed. I sure hope you went back home refreshed. And what a sweet Mother’s Day gift!

    I’ll save my questions for future blog posts. But I will say that I am very grateful for many things: my two daughters, my husband, my God, for my doctor who is helping me through PCOS, and for the day I will become pregnant again!

  • Shane and Kathy Gebhardt

    You are so inspirational. Thank you for sharing your feelings, thoughts, and your gratitude.

    God’s Blessings.

  • Stacy

    I was walking my children to school yesterday and my 10 year old daughter said, “Mom, look at Tyler’s( 7 yr. old brother) backpack. He can still run with his…look at him bounce down the stairs. It’s not fair- my backpack’s heavier than his. I started thinking about my life and my “backpack”- my backpack is heavy… I have lost 2 children this year- the first at 16 weeks gestation in Jan. and the second at only 5 weeks on Apr. 27. I know your backpack is heavy too, but I am grateful for the “pack”. I told my daughter the older we get, the heavier our backpacks get- isn’t that so true. But, our backs become stronger in time carrying the heavy load and with that strength, the load becomes easier to bear. Thank you for sharing your journey and helping me to realize that I can go to my Heavenly Father, even if it is in anger. I am drawing closer to Him and I know that He knows how much I hurt and that He hurts for me too. I will never be happy that my babies died, but I know that I can grow from this and I,too, am grateful.

  • Anonymous

    It always amazes me how much my mood changes when I start to look at all the blessings God has given me instead of whatever it is that upsets me.

    It’s way too easy to focus on the negative, and your post today was an excellent reminder for me to look at what God has done in my life, which is so much!

    He just gave us our first baby, a little boy, and after waiting for so so long, he truly is a gift from God.

    I’ve been following your story from the beginning, when we had only had our son for a few weeks. I so appreciate your sharing it with us. I’ve never been in a situation even remotely like yours, but I can relate to some of the feelings you express.

    You are such an encouragement and an example of praising God no matter what. Thank you for letting us be a part of your story!


  • Megan

    I can relate to Jen, who made a previous comment (a few down on the page) ~ I have felt God pulling me closer to Him, especially through reading your story and keeping updated with you on here… but I have no idea how to get closer to Him, and I have been a Christian since I was in middle school, grew up in a Christian home, consider myself a follower of Christ and actually DO try to live a life pleasing to God, yet I seem to always stop in the same spot – very close to God but then can’t seem to go any deeper… What is wrong? Maybe it is because I will start reading my Bible everyday for like a month and then I’ll let a day slip by without reading or praying… and then it’s all downhill from there, and the cycle continues. Anyway, please give us some insight… With three kids and a husband, how do you find time not just praying with them but times to pray and study on your own? Thanks Angie!

  • Emily

    What a gorgeous soul your Lord has given you! Purer than gold you will be, when you escape this fire. I have no questions… wait, yes I do! When you do want to escape to Bowling Green, KY, and hour up the road, for a date at Starbucks with a mom who gets it, too? :)

    You’re doing it, precious friend. One breath at a time, one foot in front of the other, seeking God through your devasation, you are making sure that satan will NOT get all He came for.

    You make your Father proud. :)

  • Anonymous

    You are blessed more than I think you will ever know. God is using you and Audrey in mighty way. You have touched my life forever. You and your beautiful family will be in my prayers. God blessed our family with a beautiful baby girl in February. Her name is Audrey.

  • Janelle

    i found your blog through a friend of mine…i read it straight through. i just wish i could give you such a big hug…and i’m not sure if this verse can touch you in anyway today – but i felt like i should share it with you…

    Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)
    “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”

    Thinking of you, and praying for you…may you continue to see the GOOD.

  • Carolyn

    Angie, I just found your blog tonight and have read your amazing story from its beginning. I have identified with you in many ways – some of your personality traits, your attention to detail in the stories of your children, your desire to write, your love for Jesus and most sadly, in the loss of your babies. I feel as though we are friends. My name is Carolyn. My husband and I live and serve Christ on the mission field in Mexico City. I have 3 adorable and amazing boys (5, 3, and 1) and one sweet baby in heaven that we did not get to meet. Our loss is recent (Feb. 12) – I was 12 weeks along and feeling wonderful when we shockingly found out that our little one was already with Jesus. Unknowingly, my womb was carrying the body of our unborn child for weeks – while his or her (most likely another boy I bet!!!) was already with the Creator. Thank You for giving me an outlet to cry tonight….for realizing that God carries many of us through our loss. That I am not alone. That it is okay to still hurt and miss and wonder and question – even though people have stopped asking and daily life moves ahead. Thank you for sharing your story. Please know that this Mother’s Day – as you reflect on the beautiful gifts God has given you (all 5!) – you are prayed for. I would love to hear from you (see my blog) and will continue to check your blog. Audrey has blessed my life today – thank you for allowing that to happen. Maybe our little ones can know each other and become friends – that would be wonderful.
    Praying God’s perfect peace to fill you this weekend….and always as you heal and remember and live in His goodness.

    With much love and companionship,

  • Jenny

    I found your blog thru the same friend as Janelle. I love your blog. You are such an inspiration.
    I’d love to know more about your testimony. What drove you to Jesus?
    I actually have many questions but will just ask you one this time!!
    May God continue to bless you!

  • Jenny

    drove sounds harsh…I mean led…

  • Gail Lynn

    Dearest Angie: I have SO much to share with you when the time is right; I do not have the energy right now – but I am “healing” from the loss of both of my parents in 101 days and a devestating divorce right in between the deaths – I was TOTALLY blindsided! But, my Mama and Dad are in heaven; healthy and whole again with their 5 babies and 15 grandbabies that went before them. I love you as a sister in Christ – and I have to repeat what someone said earlier – “You make your Father proud~!” Have a wonderful week at the Beach…I will be in touch again, in days to come. God Bless you and your precious family.

  • The Thomsons

    Thank you for posting again! As someone said earlier, ‘it’s amazing how the blog world makes you feel.’ I will continue to pray for you.


    Jeremiah 29:11 ” ‘For I know the plans I have for you, ‘ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.’ “

  • Jill

    I echo the earlier comments that I, too, just want to know how you are doing. Please know that so many of us continue to pray for you and think of you often. I hope you have a fabulous time at the beach with your family :)

  • iheartchocolate

    …thinking of you

  • Peas on Earth

    Dear Angie,

    Angie, we are not upset if you don’t post. I know the greater community understands that sometimes there are just not words. But we are grateful when you do, because it helps us know you are plugging on, that you are still praising God, and you are okay. We (the whole Audrey community) have come to love you very much and want to know that you’re okay. I mean, we know you are, because (most of) us know your God of all Hope, but still, to hear it from your fingers blesses us.

    In one of my recent blog posts, I said, “If there has been one consistent outcome in every tragic or difficult situation I have witnessed or experienced, it is that God has been about the work of changing those involved to the extent that they are willing to experience His touch, even when it is at first painful, and surrender to His will, even when it doesn’t make sense.” Thank you for being willing to surrender and be touched by Him. He is working in you mightily and it is blessing multitudes.

    Grace and peace,

  • Sarah W

    A friend of mine referred me to your blog and my heart has been touched as I read your amazing journey. I can’t even imagine…. I can’t find the words, only the tears reflect what my heart would love to say.

    I am a mommy to a one year old. I work as a missionary in Botswana and had Andrew on the field. I prayed every day that the Lord just guide me through 9 months because quite frankly our medical care was a bit sketchy! I delivered Andrew in the capital city of Gaborone (a 10 hour drive from our village) and all went smooth and perfect. I had struggled with infertility for over two years…we thought ANdrew would never come, but he did….in His timing.

    When I think of all you’ve been through I wonder….how the heck do you even get out of bed in the mornings? Don’t you ever just want to pull the covers back over? How do you put on a poker face for your kids? (Okay….I am done now. :) )

    Please know that I am praying for you and praying for a peace and a comfort that only He can bring you. I pray that along this path that He sends you lots of rainbows and flowers to enjoy along the way.

    Bless you!
    Sarah :)

  • blessedwith5

    Thank you for sharing your life through your blog. I wanted to also thank you for the links to Blogs you frequent. Women are so incredible – although they have never met, God gave us the ability to “talk” with each other about the most precious and intimate areas of our lives. I too check your Blog daily for updates, encouragement and at times smiles. I have never lost a child through miscarriage or death, however I know the pain of empty arms and a heart that longs for a baby. My husband and I went through infertility for more than ten years. Although I could not see God’s plan, He had a BIG one for me and my husband. We were blessed with conceiving our daughter after 9 years of trying to conceive. Katelyn was born six weeks early, but very healthy – she is now 15. After six years we wanted another baby – we again tried to conceive for more than eight months with negative results. God led us into the adoption process and two years later we welcomed newborn Ryan into our arms. We were privileged to meet his birth mom and be with him just minutes after birth. Ryan had just turned two and God sent two little guys to join our family – Cameron (age 22 mothngs) and EJ (10 months.) I often say they fell out of Heaven and into our lives. Just over a year later we went to the hospital and brought home newborn Cody. Boy did God have a plan! :-) Now two years later our home is bustling with busyness and noisy with children. Many times my husband Randy and I sit in amazement at God’s design for our family. Our children are now ages: Katelyn 15; Ryan 5 1/2; Cameron 5; EJ 4; Cody 2. Although for many years we did not understand why our arms ached for a baby and it did not appear that our prayers were being answered, now we can see the ULTIMATE plan of God. We have been truly blessed!

  • Lindsay

    Thank you Angie for continuing to share your journey. Your sharing has ‘refreshed’ my journey with the Lord, and has encouraged me to reach out to others. I encouraged everyone I know to read your story in hopes that it will light a fire in them also. You have also touchehd me deeply and I love your honesty. I continue to pray for you every day. I even started my own blog as well (my words don’t flow as easily as yours do, and i feel rather naked exposing my heart in such a way, but I feel compelled to write anyway). God Bless you and your precious family!!

  • Sun

    There is so much bursting in my heart – I cannot explain it. There are a few stories that touch my heart – the parents that have gone through such heartbreak – and then to see how God shows up…it is SO amazing. I stop by a few blogs daily and soak in what they share…allowing it to challenge and inspire me. I am SO very sorry for your loss – am captivated by your love for God and your honest approach to life. I am SO incredibly thankful to you for what you share – we are praying and will be praying! Sunshine

  • stapes

    I am grateful for you! I don’t know you, but I appreciate you as you are helping me travel my journey with an understanding that God is still there… even though we hurt.

  • queenie76

    GIRL! So glad to heatr from you on the blog. I like everyone else am checking frequently to see how you are doing. Go to beach and HAVE FUN! Relax! Enjoy the sand between your toes and have a pink fizzy (non alocholic ) drink with a umbrella sticking out of it! :)

  • Jungheims

    Just as the lady at the kennel extended grace to you by listening and caring, so have you done for all of us. You’ve shared yourself at a time when you could rightfully curl up at home and tell the world to go away. Yet you reach out to us, encouraging us to reach back and to even ask questions. That is beautiful and that’s grace…God’s grace! Thanks for letting us grieve with you and heal our own hurts through your beautiful words. I’m still praying….and a thanks to Jess for encouraging the update! =)

  • Searching

    I know how you feel about dropping your pup off at the kennel. I STILL write instructions for my parents to care for my crew when I’m out of town (I drive them the 1.5h to their house because they are the only ones I will leave them with. Neurotic- yes). They have had dogs for 21 years. I call to check up on them every time, if they are playing nicely with the other dogs, what to do if one gets an ear infection or the other barks all night, etc. I think people who open their hearts so fully to animals open their hearts to people too. If you can sit with an animal’s suffering and love them through it, you can listen and lend support to humans in need too. And if you DO call to check on your pup, I worked at a vet clinic and was always happy to give updates. When I petsit there are some families I call at a certain time every day to let them know how things are going. It’s okay. :)

    Thank you for letting me into Audrey’s life. You are in my prayers.

  • Linda – Nickers and Ink

    Thanks for sharing this testimony.

    God is so faithful. Always.

    Practically at Home

    HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY from Practically at Home

  • Michelle

    make sure you think Jen for twisting your arm to update us…your story about the kennel reminded me of a mom in my support group after James died, who adopted a 3 legged cat to help her with her grief and the funny stories she told about how she shared her grief at the animal adoption sites while searching for the perfect cat, keep sharing your story-the lady at the kennel probably received a bigger blessing from you then you did from her, I alwasy struggle with what to do for a mom who has had a baby die, what “gift” or “tribute” has really touched you-for me my husband “borrowed” the blanket James was wrapped in at the hospital not knowing the hospital would give us tons of things to remember James by-sending hugs!!!

  • Kelly

    I loved this. Angie I think the best way to walk through life is to constantly count your blessings even when things seem as bad as they can get. I’m thankful that in your sadness – you are able to be grateful.
    I’m grateful you have so many sweet girlfriends – they make life so much better don’t they?
    And I love that ya’ll are going to the beach – the beach will always make you feel better. (my motto in life! ha!)
    And I love that you were sad when you took your dog to the kennel. I cry when we drop ours off and we usually call and check on him and we even made videos of him ahead of time that we could watch at the beach. WE are crazy,crazy people.

  • kris

    First, when I was apart from you,
    this world did not exist,
    nor any other.

    Second, whatever I was looking for
    was always you


    I have always loved Rumi for his sense of God, and how He meets him. When I read this, it reminded me of you, your posts, and how they ground me in the truth.

    I am so grateful for that.

  • Kelly

    P.S. If you have time – I would love for you to share your testimony. How old were you when you got saved and when did it happen and were you raised in a Christian home?

  • Greg and Steph

    I came across your blog a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know where or how. But it has been such a blessing to me and my family.
    I am grateful for you. I am thankful that the Lord has placed you in my path. You are very strong, though you may not feel it now. HE has made you strong in your weakness. Even in your pain, you are pointing others to our Father. Thank you!
    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers! I pray HIS blessings shower over you!

  • Julie

    Hey Angie! I think that you are a great inspiration to so many. I pray for you and your family every day. I do look forward to your updates as well to know how I should be praying for you. Sometimes when I don’t have the words, I pray that the Holy Spirit who does know, would go to the Father on your behalf. You know, we might not ever know why God challenges us with difficult situations. I can honestly say that I think the answer to that for you in this situation is shown to you every time you answer your e-mails, and every you see the comments on your blogs. God is using your situation to reach so many people. And yes, in your grief we are inspired! You are an incredible person. A beatiful example of praising God even when the situation just stinks! You find things to be thankful for in spite of your emotions and pain. That is something that we can all learn from. You have a gift of reaching others with your thoughts. You seem like you have great people surrounding you at home. You rock girl!!! Keep on grieving and sharing, because we are all here to help you through it. Have a great Mother’s Day!!!! I look forward to hearing from you again. And thank you for sharing so openly.

    God Bless you!!!

  • Marilyn Bowen

    You are ministering through your grief in such a mighty way…I am a 57 year old grandmother who has walked along rocky shores…but the “Living Water” is always there. My favorite verse through less than perfect times is found in Habakkuk 3:
    17 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
    though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,

    18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

    19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,he enables me to go on the heights.

    You, dear little sister…are dancing in the Joy of the Lord and I see you leaping from craggy rock to slippery slope.

    Thank you

  • Andrea

    Oh, Angie…all I can say is I am grateful that you are grateful! God Bless ya and I’m continuing to lift you and your family (and your beautiful friends) up to our amazing God in my prayers! Happy Mommy’s Day to ya!! Hugs :-)

  • Teri

    I was led to your blog by a friend of mine…and am thanking God for teh new persepctive your story has given to me. I am pregnant with my 3rd child…the first is in Heaven and my 4 year old boy is so excited to welcome his baby sister into this world come August! Thank you for your openness and insight into your life and the pain that you have recently been dealing with. Words seem to pale in comparison to what my heart wants to say to you. I am asking for God to intervene here and lay the “unspoken” on your heart from me. Thank you for your words and time. You have truly blessed me and my insight of being a mother to the child God is growing inside of me. I pray you feel my arms hug your sweet neck. God Bless you as you celebrate Mother’s Day tomorrow.

  • Anonymous

    I AM SOOOOOOOOOO GRATEFUL for you, Dear, Sweet Angie!
    You are the sunshine in a day, when sometimes it’s cloudy & overcast in life. You make me want to keep on keeping on! What an inspiration you are to so, so many. I too check your blog often to see if there is a morning, afternoon or evening edition, because I don’t want to miss out on any news from you. It’s like by seeing you write, I know that you are healing. Although you may be hurting, (I can feel you hurting in your entries)you continue to uplift all those who read.

    We love you & want to share in this process with you. It’s just sometimes we don’t know what to say or do. That’s when we go to the Lord for direction & another prayer in your behalf.

    I keep checking Jessica also…she is another little trouper! God has given you so many great friends, I call them BLESSINGS! Thank you Jessica for riding the rail with our Angie!

    Jessica had posted a picture of the weekend Bible retreat. I remember looking at that picture thinking ‘that sure looks like Angie. No that must be her twin. She just had a c-section’. Now I know I wasn’t imagining you in the picture. That was a very special week-end for you & your Bible Study Warriors! The candlelight pictures were fabulous….praising God in spite of all your sorrow. I know you all made HIM so proud! Those warriors are true friends who shared something with you that will never be forgotten. ISN’T GOD WONDERFUL?

    I hope that someday, maybe this summer, or whenever you are ready….we could all have a get-together so we could meet each other & share through our Precious Lord.

    Angie, I love the “Secret-Saintly-Sisters” idea. WOW!! I have five blood sisters, but since I first started reading your blog, I’ve called you my Sister also.

    I pray that you all will have a wonderful week at the beach. There’s something about the ocean that makes me feel like I can just see HIM way out there watching, yet feel HIM so close right beside me.

    Some of my questions have already been stated, so…..until we hear from you again, may God Almighty continue to bless you to press on & to share your story with others who need to know there IS A GOD & HE IS SO POWERFUL.

    I love you too, Angie.

    Rose in Nashville

  • Jenn Stratton

    Thank you for sharing all that you have. I’m not a wife, I’m not a mother…just a young single woman, but the story of your REALISTIC and GENIUINE faith has encouraged and blessed me in a way you will never know. My prayers are with you, and will be in the days to come. Thank you for your honesty. May God bless you and your BEAUTIFUL family!

  • Jennifer (Augusta, GA)

    I have to say I appreciate the “friendly grief” Jessica is giving you about writing. I truly ache to hear what you have to say next and I am visiting Audrey’s site everyday to see if you have posted. So here’s my idea, (which has probably already been expressed to you) When you feel that you are at a point in this incredible journey, I think you should write a book about this journey and title it Bring the Rain, perhaps it could be a collection of your postings. God has given you an amazing gift of writing and because I truly do not ever want to forget this experience and what you have taught me about my own spiritual life. I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOU and that you are allowing me to “see and feel” your every step.

  • Tabitha


    I am so glad that you updated your blog, I had been checking and wondering how you were doing.
    I wish you and your family much love and warm wishes.
    Tabitha XX

  • Anonymous

    God Bless you Angie and Happy Mother’s Day. Enjoy your week at the beach. I look forward to hearing from you soon…a friend in Texas :)

  • Kirsten Casillas

    We received the link to your blog on April 15 from a friend at perinatal hospice and God brought it to us just in time. Your letter to Audrey was on the front page of the blog and my husband and I wept as we read it. It prompted my husband to write a letter to our baby girl and read it to her that night. The next day when we went in for an ultrasound, our baby girl had no heart beat – she was 19 weeks in the womb.

    Your blog inspired the letters we read to our baby and gave me the idea to share our story so that perhaps our baby girls life could touch someone else like Audrey’s (and your families) has touched ours. God is really using you and He is touching so many people. What a legacy! I pray that our story would reach someone as well.

    Our story is at I’d never even visited a blog before yours. And thankfully it was so easy to create one – thank you for teaching me so many things through your journey! If you read the blog you will notice that I mention your blog since it is such an important part of our journey. I hope you don’t mind.

    Blessings to all of you. My heart cries with yours. Hugs and God’s love to you.

  • Hope

    You always move me to tears.

    Don’t let anything steal you joy, your joy is your strength!

    Praying for you and your family always.


    Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”

  • Vicky

    Hmmmm…. some questions :)

    1. How did you and Todd meet?

    2. When/ how did you become a Christian?

    Praying for you and your family!!!!

  • Stacy

    I just wanted to let you know that God brings us to things for a reason. I think me finding your blog has renewed my spirit. I will say that I have never lost a child, but my sister has. As I read your blog entries last night and viewed the slideshow and video that was made I cried and cried my eyes out. I am now thankful to get up every morning and take my kids to their soccer and baseball games. I found your doubt and agony with God to be comforting. It helps to know that I am not the only one that questions God sometimes. I think that questioning is what makes us stronger. You are a very strong woman and I will continue to pray for you. The Will of God will not take us to where the Grace of God cannot protect us!

  • Faith Hope Love Mama

    All of our hearts ache with you. We feel your pain and some of us know first hand how this loss truly is. You are blessed and broken. So many of us are but you are using this journey to help others and to share your faith. God will surely tell you “Well done faithful servant.” Blessings to you this Mother’s Day!

  • Michelle Cearley

    My question has already been mentioned, but it is:
    have you considered writing a book about your experiences, or have you been approached about writing a book?

    I would love to see you use your God-given writing ability to create a book about your experience with this difficult time. I know it could reach a whole new group of people outside of the blogging world, and it would be something I would love to have to buy and give friends when they suffer a loss. Your testimony of God’s faithfulness in the midst of grief and loss is such an inspiration! Your experience can touch anyone with any loss, not just the loss of a baby.

  • AmyD

    You’re blog continues to bless me every day. You’re continually in my prayers. I find your strength through all of this amazing, which has brought me to a better understanding of the Lord. I know that it’s His strength carrying you and I just find that amazing about our God. All the things that you’ve shared about friends embracing you, strangers listening to you, etc., what a wonderful God we serve that he is with you every step of the way through this journey you are on. What a testiment to your character and faith that you lean on the Lord and allow him to carry you. Thank you for sharing your heart, thank you for sharing your daughter with all of us. Your story, your faith is such an encouragement to me.

  • karamy3sons


    I am still praying for you and your family! I am thankful that you are so open about your story. It has touched my heart so much. I love that you and your “YAYA” Sisters went on a retreat, yall look like you are having a good time at the table. Know that you are loved by many!

    In Christ,
    kara-Texas Jer. 29:11-13

  • Sheryl

    You and your family are such an inspiration. Every time that I see you have a new post, I know God will have something for me.

    Today…I realize that the baby I lost during pregnancy many years ago at 17 weeks was never really mourned. I thought that since I didn’t deliver, well, I wasn’t entitled. I don’t know if that makes sense. But I just realized I have 2 children here on earth and 1 in heaven.

    Continue to write whatever you feel like. Love just hearing how you’re doing, what you’re doing and knowing how to pray.

    Happy Mother’s Day Angie!!

  • Jess :)


    I’m so glad you wrote! You have no idea how many times a day I check to see if you’ve written. I know, a little crazy, but that’s okay ~ I don’t mind admitting that because it just shows how much I LOVE YOU!!! :) Yes, I know, we’ve still never even met…but it doesn’t matter to me…I still love you!! I really agree with Jen’s (3rd post on here) question about “Can we just be friends, for real?” I would absolutely jump for joy if that were possible!! I honestly, have wanted to take a trip from SD to come meet you in Nashville, since I began reading your story. You truly amaze me with how much you give and the abundance of knowledge and love you have for our Lord and Savior.
    I would love to do a Bible Study with you sometime. :)
    Again, it was great to hear from you and just know that we ALL be thinking about you this weekend and everyday after, for that matter!! We’re here to stay! Plus, I’m super excited about you answering our questions. I think this will be awesome and I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I know we ALL will!!

    Love and HUGS,
    Jess :)

  • Tricia

    Okay, I have some random questions!

    ♥ What is your dream job?

    ♥ Where were you when 9/11 happened?

    ♥ What is your all-time favorite food? or favorite comfort food?

    ♥ Where is your favorite vacation spot?

    We’re praying for you,
    ♥ Tricia

  • redeemed one

    Your love for Christ is so inspiring… that love and faith shines like pure light through everything that you write. I just know that He is using your transparency to help others to see who He is; how we don’t have to “clean up” our pain to come before Him —- we can pour it out, unedited, at His feet.

    You have been an encouragement to me.

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am praying for you and your family.

  • Hope2morrow

    Your words leave me wanting more every time you write. You have been blessed with an amazing journey, and we are all blessed by your uncanny ability to be deeply and humanly brutal in your thoughts, while loving a gracious God through it all. Thank you!

    While I desperately long for a baby, you are grieving the life and death of yours. But what an impact you and your family have made! Your blog prompted me to begin journaling my own emotional infertility journey as an outlet for my pain; thank you for the courage and reminder that God IS there, no matter what we are experiencing. He orchestrates it all!

    I hope you get to visit my blog some day and that I can be as honest and open in my journey as you have been-

    May blessings abound you at the beach!

  • Jan C.

    I think the reason that I return to your blog is that you seem to be living the truth of my favorite quote in all the world, “We are living in a world that is absolutely transparent, and God is shining through it all the time. (Thomas Merton)” Even in your pain and sorrow, you are noticing how God shines through, and I want to thank you for setting that example for us all.

    I don’t really have a question for you. I just want to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. I’ll be praying for you, and I’d love it if you’d pray for me!

  • Matt and April

    I don’t know you but I feel your pain as you write. I have a 6 month old daughter,my first. I can never imagine how you feel and I pray I never will know the true pain of losing a child. What I do know is true, is God’s faithfulness through this journey. I am thankful for your vulnerability to share your heart with the world. Your story and seeing God touch your family and other through this loss makes me hold my daughter closer at night before I put her to bed. Thank you for this. I pray for healing for you and your family but mostly for God’s glory to be revealed in the life of someone who may not know him yet.

  • boltefamily


    Thanks for this post. I think I may write my own list tonight as you are so right, God is so good, we have much to be grateful for.

    I also wanted you to know that today as I was browsing an heirloom roses catalog after receiving a rosebush in memory of my sweet Asher (Happy Child Rose) on mother’s day, I saw a rosebush called Audrey and thought I would let you know in case you are searching for something similar to plant in sweet Audrey’s memory.

    Much love and many prayers,


  • Liz

    Your blog has blessed me in a huge way…more than you may realize.

    I, too, am a writer at heart & have a blog. I feel like I bore my readers to death sometimes with mundane, silly stuff. But somehow, they keep coming back.

    Like everyone else has said…don’t feel like you need to tell us a story or share something profound to post. I think we all love pictures & just hearing that you’re hanging in there and holding onto Jesus. After all, that’s as much as any of us can do…but some moments in life definately make us cling tighter.

  • Kristin S

    Once again I am touched by your words. I agree with other people that have said that you need to write your story down in a book. One more way to reach others with the message of Christ!
    I am the mother of 2 amazing boys, 11 and 4. After 10 years of much difficulty in our marriage, my husband and I re-connected with eachother and Christ in a way that I never dreamed was possible.(This was about 2 years ago) He has healed our marriage and given us faith and trust in His grace. We have the lyrics to Bless the Broken Road hanging in our entry way – because God really did bless our broken road and brought us back to eachother.
    So a year ago in January we decided to try to have a 3rd child, finally we were in a place to glorify Him with a 3rd child. We tried unsuccessfully for a year and FINALLY this last January we got our positive result.
    We lost the pregnancy on February 19th. Although I wasn’t very far along, the joy that I felt about being pregnant was unbelievable. The loss of that still hurts today. I can’t help but think that I would be showing and in maternity clothes by now. That we would have had our ultrasound and might know if it was a boy or a girl. And it seems that everyone around me is pregnant and many of them don’t want to be or complain through it all.
    Every time I get on my pity pot – I come back and read your blogs. I see your faithfulness to God inspite of your pain, and I am reminded of where in my journey I really need work. I loved the blog that you said “bring it to me and I will make an alter from your suffering”. I have that written on a post-it at my desk at work.
    Thank you Angie for being real – even when it hurts because it is people like yourself that make people like me better. It makes me reach out to Him when everything inside me wants to blame Him. It makes me trust that there is a plan for this in my life even when it makes me angry. You have helped me to heal, to grow and to lean into Him. I am grateful for you – because you helped me in ways you will never know.
    Thank you,
    Kristin in South Dakota

  • Angie Plude

    Happy Mothers Day!

  • Vera

    I just want to say (again) that you are so incredibly inspiration to me! I found your blog several weeks ago, and have been following it and praying for you and Sweet Audrey. I don’t remember how I found your site, and I wasn’t sure why, until this week, when I had a miscarriage. I want you to know what an amazing gift it was that I had been reading your words, and even as I was going through this week what you’ve continued to write – it’s changed everything about the way that I’ve dealt with this loss. And for that *I* am grateful.

  • Christy

    I have been following your story for a while now. While I have never gone through something so tragic as you have I can still sense a little of your pain in what you write. You have a wonderful spirit for God I can tell. I was reading your blog for today and it reminded me of my grouping sistas!! We call ourselves the “Yahweh Sisterhood”. It is so important to have such friends in our lives. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. God Bless

  • Anonymous

    I would like to first wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. I know you’re aching with the feeling of loss right now. You are such an inspiration and will continue to be as you chronicle your struggles and victories through this journey.

    Sometimes I feel as if I’m stuck in a rut that I can’t crawl out of in my relationship with the Lord. You have definitely opened my eyes to the simplicity of loving and trusting Him which in turn blesses and brings Him glory. Thank you for that.


  • Meag

    I am grateful that you share! So many have been blessed by Audrey’s story! Thank you! Bless you!

  • Becky

    Hi Angie, you’re continually on my prayer list. Question, though – how do you stay so strong, and keep your faith so strong? I lost my mom a couple years ago, and I’m not sure of her salvation – and I’m afraid to admit her death has shaken my faith to the core. It’s like a wall has been put up between me and God, and I don’t even really feel like my prayers get past it. I have to get past this stumbling block, because I have two little girls of my own to raise…

  • Aimee

    First off, I love your blog! Thanks so much for being so honest and open with your feelings! I’m praying for you and your family!

    Secondly, my question is – How did you and your husband meet?

    I didn’t have time to read through all the comments, so hopefully this wasn’t asked already!;)

  • Anonymous

    I just found your blog a couple of weeks ago and I have read every post and cried my eyes out. I am the mother of 2 precious babies, one asleep in his crib upstairs and one I will never get to see this side of Heaven. After our first baby died in the womb, our doctor gave us little hope of conceiving again. We started the process of adopting from China. Well, exactly 3 months after beginning our adoption journey, we found out we were pregnant again. Our beautiful son was born last September and he owns our hearts. And now there is a little girl waiting for us halfway around the world and another one waiting for us in Heaven. We are so very blessed!

    Your story inspires me and I wish you a very happy Mother’s Day.

    Your sister in Christ,

  • Anonymous

    hi angie…i come to your blog everyday too to check for updates and how you are doing and also because reading your blog and listening to the music in here gives me a sense of comfort and hope in God… it’s weird i know.

    well i do want to know what keeps you strong and full of hope and faith in your difficult times cause i sucked on it i don’t handle it well and i also want to be your friend if that’s ok?you are in my prayers angie along with todd and the girls.

  • Anonymous

    happy mother’s day to Angie!! you so deserve that vacation at the beach. I am a new reader of your blog and you and your family are so inspiring. I could not know the pain of losing a child and hopefully I never will. I am so sorry for your loss of not 1 but 2 babies. I see that God has made you and your family stronger by this. God Bless you and your family. Take care and enjoy your vacation at the beach.

    a mom of an 11 yr old son
    from upstate new york

  • Anonymous

    it takes a wonderful person to pull yourself out of sorrow & turn it around into being GRATEFUL. it’s so hard to do, i know. but it feels soooo much better. and sometimes it really does take a conscious decision to LIVE & THINK THAT WAY.

    i know i’ve mentioned this before, but i lost my boyfriend in a tragic accident when i was 19. and i think that i stayed depressed for a long time because I MADE MYSELF THAT WAY. i’m not sure if i didn’t know HOW to be happy, but i think it was more that death had become WHO I WAS. and it took a long time to realize that was just a party of me, it wasn’t ME.

    i couldn’t think of a question for you… but i guess i do have one!

    sometimes when i comment i DO mention my past… (as mentioned above!) and i guess i want to know if i have to do that. :) like… when i sign off saying “Rachel in Kansas City/KC” do you vaguely remember details like that? probably not… but i know there are some people on here (like me) who have stories where we can relate (to an extent) in a certain way & i wonder if you DO feel like you remember certain things from us. i’m sure you have enough to keep up with in your life that you can’t remember 300 people or their backgrounds… but you wanted a question & that is mine. :) ha

    - Rachel in Kansas City :)

  • Dana

    I love your blog…I check it regularly, and I pray for you and your family on a consistent basis. On another note, I love Todd’s music, and I was so blessed to FINALLY see Selah in concert back in March. Selah’s music has spoken volumes to my heart as have your words in this blog. I have two questions…first of all, how is Todd doing coping with your loss? I know my husband had different ways of grieving after we had a miscarriage, so I just wondered how is he handling things? My other question is very different…what kind of things did you do on your weekend retreat with your Bible study? I’m planning one right now for my ladies’ Bible study as a result of reading your blog. Any good suggestions of fun things to do? I’m intrigued by the picture where you all are blindfolded :) . Thanks.

  • Anonymous

    Ok…so, I know EVERYONE is asking you this, but “can we be friends for REAL?!?! ” :) You’re amazing and I couldn’t imagine a neater friend! :)

    My other question…I think I remember reading that God had chosen the 3-6 am time to be your time with Him. So, my question is do you set an alarm? or do you just wake up naturally at that time? What does that time look like? I know you said sometimes you just stare at the wall (I can relate to this! :P ) Do you spend that entire 3 hours with Him? Ok, that’s more than one question…just thought I’d ask. I have many more, but I’ll ask those later. :)

    Still here and praying for you!

  • joyboytinkertoy

    Ive only known of your story for 3 days. I feel like i know you like we have so much in common. i feel your story has made me look at my own that i have not faced. i feel i have greived with you. i wish that i had your strenght. you have touched me like no one else. you are beatiful..

  • Debbie

    I come often to read your thoughts and inspiration. I have been strengthened by some many on a similar journey as us. I look forward for to reading your blog. I, also, am having a roller coaster of emotions at this time: May 9th – anniversary(11 years), Mother’s Day (1st without Walker), and May 19th- Birthday (I laughed out loud when I noticed it was the same). I want to cry all of the time and enjoy my family at the same time. I will pray for you and others on this journey. Continue to share and strength others.

  • jenn

    Thank you SO MUCH for honestly sharing your journey of faith! It’s such an inspiration to read how you come through struggles because of your faith. Please know that I pray for you and your family daily!

  • Laura Smith

    Angie- I have been reading and praying with you for a while now. I posted a question, but it was during the bog block. So, I’ll try again.

    My dear friend just lost her 2nd baby girl. With both pregnancies she was around 30-32 weeks along when the babies died. It has been so devastating, as you can imagine. She feels very isolated, because many of her friends do not know what to say…so they say nothing. I talk to her very openly about her sweet baby girls…I want her to know that I love them. My question would be- What is your advice on how to be a good friend to someone who has lost a baby? Thank you!

  • Ang baylis

    Just another Angie praying for you this evening before Mother’s Day! I just got home from a funeral of a guy my daughter used to date who was 23 years old and battled cancer for 10 years! I am so touched by one of the songs you have posted here… “Bring The Rain”. This song was so special to our friend, Josh and his fiance, Lindsay. It was no coincidence that you had it playing too! You are amazing.. and Praising God for all of the small things is awesome. He is SO good! I will pray for you again… Thank you so much for your inspiring words and for sharing when it would have been easier to keep it all inside!
    In His Love,
    Angie xoxo

  • Laura

    Thank you for reminding me of all the things I should be thankful for. You’re still in my prayers and I hope your Mother’s Day will be full of grateful moments as well.

  • Brian

    I am grateful.

    There is a little girl with Jesus right now who has taught me more about my Jesus, and more about myself, and more about this life than I had learned in the previous ten years. She has taught me what my brother’s battle with colon cancer could not – that this life I have been given is a privilege, an honor, and not to be lived tediously. And, if you like new adventures Audrey, Steve will take you fishing on his canoe with Jesus. He has always loved and been so good with babies, and could use a friend to make laugh, because his little girl won’t be coming to fish with him for a long, long time.

    I am grateful.

    As I sit here bawling my eyes out, getting cranky with my beautiful wife because she simply wants to know what is wrong and I simply can’t formulate enough of a thought process to communicate with her, that I can go to church tomorrow and sing to my Jesus. That I can get over myself, finish writing this, and go over to her and love on her the way her heavenly father wants me to love on her, and tell her how much of a joy it is to watch her mother our babies. To know that your mother and my mother will probably hurt so much tomorrow that they will want to give Hallmark back its holiday; because they love their babies and miss their babies so much that every breath aches to hold them again. And, I am loved that much, too. By my mother and by our Father.

    I am grateful.

  • Jeremey and Jessica

    Thinking of you and praying for all of you. May God continue to wrap His arms around you and comfort you. I am grateful for your gift of Audrey to the world. Her Mommy is awesome!
    Love and Prayers,

  • His_Princess2008

    Dear Sweet Sweet Angie,
    The question that I really want to ask is Can I come and get those cute lil girls of yours and take them to the park and then come back and make you lunch and let you have a whole day to yourself. Can I come and give you the biggest hug you’ve ever had? But knowing that that may (because you never know what God will do lol) not ever happen I will ask a more answerable question. How is it being married to a singer who could be gone a lot. Do you prefer to go with him or stay behind. And how do the girls handle it? Sorry there are quiet a few of them lol. Newaz…You are very dear and special to me. I pray for you often. Hope your mother’s day is an awesome one.

  • Lissa Lane

    God Bless you sweetheart. Have a gentle mothers day and know there are other mother’s like you out here and we care so very much about you and your angel *gentle hugs*


  • Darlene R.

    Hey Angie! It is so good to hear from you again. I hope that you have a good Mother’s Day.
    I continue to keep you in my prayers.

  • Old DAN AND Little ANN

    I just wanted to hop on here tonight and send you a “Happy Mother’s Day” wish. You have three beautiful daughters to walk through life with and two awaiting you in heaven. I hope your day is special beyond what you could have anticipated.

  • Lindsay Spencer

    It is nice to hear from you. Yes, there are things we’re grateful for, but sometimes forget to remember. I am grateful for God’s tender mercies, and for His way of speaking to me through others.

  • Jennifer

    Angie, I, like many other people who have found you, am completely inspired by your story and your faith. The way that you have laid all of your emotions on the line for us all to experience has brought me to a crossroads in my life. Never before did I understand what it means to believe, or to actually have a relationship with God. Thank you so much for sharing, though thank you will never be enough. If you have the time, can you help those of us who wish to have this relationship with God? It seems that many of us aren’t sure where to start…

  • Nicole

    I pray that you have a Happy Mother’s Day remembering the sweet moments that you have been blessed to have with all of your girls, whether they be years or moments. I pray that today your heart doesn’t have to hurt, I will gladly let my heart hurt for you. God bless your family. You have inspired me to find God again and to hug my kids a little longer even when I feel like they are driving me up a wall! :c)
    My thoughts are with you today,
    Nicole Hanson

    “Oh troubled heart, be still and know there can be no selfishness in love. For he who loves, the Master withholds nothing when he has need of it…and he who loves his child, will sink all sense of loss in the Everlasting gain of lying Safe upon the Bosom of the Shepherd.”
    Benjamin Palmer

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  • The Asquad

    i love how this is becoming your ‘ministry’, kindof how it became mine. your words and the way you write will really reach out and teach others, whether they’re in your same boat of grief or just learning how to console a friend. Thank you for your heart!!

  • Anonymous

    Happy MOTHER’S DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

    Lots of
    love to you!

  • Kathy

    I emailed and shared my story with you. I hope you at least got to read it. I want to share a couple of quotes that have gotten me through those tough times of missing my daughter….the will of God will not take you where the grace of God cannot keep you….and two, Sometimes God calms the storm…Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child…..You’re in my thoughts and prayers….much love, Kathy

  • Tylertopia

    You are an amazing woman of God and I thank you for sharing your heart and your journey. Loved reading about your Ya-Ya’s. Truly these women are a treasure! :o )

    We pray for you and your family daily and it is our hope that you will be blessed with an abundance of peace today…along with lots of hugs, kisses and smiles. Happy Mother’s Day Angie! :o )

    Rebecca Tyler(Fort Lewis, WA)

    PS-What is your favorite thing to do as a family?

  • Michelle

    saw this poem today and I planned on stopping by and saying Happy Mother’s Day so here is a sweet poem!

    “The Busiest Day In Heaven”

    It’s the busiest day in Heaven
    I’m planning a big surprise
    To let you know I love you
    And that no one ever dies

    Even though your down below
    And I am up above
    I’m sending you my wishes
    And all my angel love

    It’s really quite exciting
    To plan this big event
    For lots of gifts will come your way
    And all are Heaven sent

    First I’ll take a bubble bath-
    My splashes might cause some rain
    But knowing all the fun I’m having
    Will help to ease your pain

    Next I’ll get some pictures
    In my halo and gown
    So when you get to Heaven
    You can show me all around

    I have color crayons in Heaven
    And I will draw some stars so bright
    And place them in the sky today
    For you to see tonight

    Then Jesus will have story time
    And I will sit upon his lap
    He’ll tell me all about you
    Just before I nap

    I’ll awake full of energy
    And play a game or two
    Before I finish sending
    All my love to you

    After snack I’ll write a song
    For all the birds to sing
    And know I’ve made you happy
    With all the joy it brings

    At night time I’ll be tired
    But I’ll still hold you tight
    My arms will wrap around you
    And keep you through the night

    And when you finally slumber
    I will kneel and pray
    Asking God to bless you
    On this special Mothers Day

    Your Little Angel

  • Carrie Oliver

    Just wanted to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day, Angie! I’ve been praying for you today.


  • Emily

    Happy Mothers Day Angie. And I hope you have a wonderful trip to the beach.
    I came across your blog while viewing other peoples. You are the strongest person I know. Your children are incredibly lucky. Thank you for sharing. I can completely relate to the feeling that you need to take care of everyone. I am the oldest of four siblings. While I have no children, I would give anything for my sisters and brother. Worrying about them eating alone in the cafeteria is just something that I would do and have done.
    Thank you for letting us become a part of your story. You’ve touched and inspired more people than you will ever know. We are all lucky to be able to know you through your blog. I wish I could repay you for that.

  • Anonymous

    Dear Angie, thank you for your post about being grateful, today I celebrate (endure is a better word) my second mother’s day without my mother. I dislike this holiday more than any other holiday because I feel so left out. Even though I am the mother of two beautiful teenage girls, I no longer have a mother to buy wonderful gifts and cards for, or to celebrate with. I miss her so badly it hurts in places I didn’t know could hurt. I read your blog regulary and have cried many tears for you and your family over the past months and prayed many a prayer on your behalf, and today I wasn’t going to read it because I wanted to be selfish and not care if anyone other than myself was sad, but I clicked right on it anyway (like some crack head needing a fix :) ) but how glad I am that I did, as I sat here feeling sorry for myself after having to wear my white flower instead of a red one to church, I was reading your post about being grateful, and I thought to myself what a complete idiot I am and how ashamed of me my mother would be. Because I too have so many things to be grateful for, first of all for a God who is greater than anything I can ever comprehend, secondly for a wonderful husband who knew I would be having a terrible weekend and instead of doing nothing, made our two daughters (even though they are 19 & 17) pack our bags and took us on a family camping trip for the weekend and still made sure we were back in time for church this morning, thirdly for my two daughters who love their mother enough to be uncool and willingly go sit in the RV and play games and cookout so their mom has a better than expected weekend. But mostly, today I am grateful for having had a christian mother (and father) who raised me to be a woman of God, a christian wife and mother. To have had 37 years of having the best mother in the world. For giving me the knowledge that I will see her again someday. For raising me to be the person that I am and encouraging me even when I made decisions that took me in the wrong direction and holding my hand all the way back, never once saying I told you so. So today, instead of feeling sorry for me, I am going to enjoy all of the blessing God has given me and pick my fanny up and go do something good for someone else. So thank you, that even in the midst of your grief, for reminding me that I should daily thank God for my many blessing.

  • PetiteCheri

    I am thinking of you today and lifting you up in prayer. Have a wonderful and blessed Mother’s day.


  • Anonymous

    Dear Angie….the pain of being a mother is always just under the surface. I’ve never lost a child and don’t know “that” pain…but I’ve had the pain that a child gives when they disappoint, when they seem to be on a path that could lead them to be lost, the pain of just observing when an adult child is going through a very dark valley and I can’t do anything about it. I think that being a mom is full of “pages” and “passages” and we never stop being a mom though the job description changes. Big Sigh!!!
    I yearn for comfort today because one of my “kids” is going through a valley. I’ve prayed for them and the situation and God seems silent…most of the time. I just wish I had a big lap I could snuggle in and feel soft whispers of “there, there”!!! So in a way, I can relate to your most recent journey…though mine isn’t of loss as yours is.

    On a much happier not though…I may get to go to a Selah concert at the end of this month and it makes me smile when I think of it. I will continue to pray for you and your family!!!!

  • Heather

    I found your blog randomly and I must admit that I love you. Your strength is simply amazing to me. I have cried while reading your blog several times now. I don’t know why God does what he does, but he obviously knows that you are strong enough to take on whatever he throws at you. I hope you don’t mind but I added your blog to my blog as a link for other people to check out your story. Stay strong.

  • Anonymous

    I just wanted to let you know that today Mothers Day my thoughts and prayers are with you more than ever. I found your blog a while ago and check it every day. Your story has had a profound impact on me. I am also a believer in Christ I am a Mormon (no we are not polygamists :) . You have taught me so much and have helped make me into a stronger more faithful and diligent lord seeking mom and wife. I am forever grateful for you and your willingness to share your story!

  • Angie

    Checking in from Adrian MN. Wishing you a Happy Mother’s day Angie. Wanting you to know that I continue to check your blog and pray for you and your family during this time. Our God is so wonderful. I enjoy your writing and reading your strength in God. Even though you may not feel strong I am so inspired with your strength. God Bless you. Angie

  • Elena

    I’m amazed you felt like going anywhere after having a C-section! I hope that you are taking good care of YOU!

  • John and Brandy

    I read your blog all the time and the only words that come to mind are Thank you. I wish I could meet you, hug you, and talk for hours, but I know that it will probably never happen. Thank you so much for sharing your story! My prayers and thoughts are with you always! Happy Mother’s day to a very special woman!

  • Marcie

    Happy Mother’s Day!

  • Anonymous

    Hey Angie… I wanted to add something to my post (approx #81?) :) Basically, I found a clearer way to approach my question, which really isn’t a question I guess it’s an explanation.

    When I do mention my own tragedy, I do it because sometimes in my comments I act like I can relate. I can NOT relate to losing a child & I would never act like I could. I know a naive faux paux is for someone to say “I know how you’re feeling” when they don’t. Sometimes it can make it hurt harder.

    So when I do mention my own loss, I do it so that you know I’ve experienced the pain of losing a love of my life. I don’t assume to know what it’s like to lose a child, but I have LOST. And once you’ve lost a love of your life, you will feel a connection with anybody else who has lost a love of their life. You will share stories that maybe everybody else thinks sound crazy, you will choose words more carefully, and you don’t feel morbid or like the Debbie Downer when you talk about your losses. It helps shape you as a person & how you relate to other people & your experience will never leave you.

    The reason for my question (if you’re starting to recognize some blog friends by names) is so I don’t sound like a broken record & so no one thinks I’m out to get sympathy votes. :

    So if you get sick of me always explaining myself as the girl who lost her boyfriend at age 19, I’m sorry! :) But it’s my way of saying “I’ve never lost a child… but I’ve been in my own place where it hurt really bad & it was hard to breathe. I, too, have felt the urge to blurt out that someone I loved had just died. I smelled the inside of his hats & the cap of his cologne that I kept. It was hard to discover the new me, how I was supposed to live as Rachel-the-girl-whose-boyfriend-died.” So my question was really an explanation for if my story seems redundant, it’s because I want you to know I’ve been to a place that has something in common with where you are. I always found it comforting to know that not only were there people praying for me beyond my circle of family & friends, but there were people who had been to a place similar to mine who were making me feel like everything I thought & felt was OKAY & NORMAL. 12 years later I am happily married with 3 beautiful children, but as you can see, my past will never leave me. It’s part of who I am. Anyway, with more clarity, I thought I’d further explain. :)

    I think you are the most amazing mother EVER. Happy Mother’s Day to you… I hope today you are surrounded by hugs, kisses & smiles.

    - Rachel in Kansas City :)

  • The Miller’s

    I am another one who “bears the mark of a woman who has lost her child”. I distinctly remember sitting on the beach in Florida last March, 3 weeks after giving birth and a few days after our son had died, wishing I had a t-shirt that said “I just had a baby, what’s your excuse?”. On Friday, I was seeing patients at my office (I’m an Ob/Gyn). A patient I hadn’t seen since December ’06 (when I was obviously pregnant) asked DURING HER PELVIC EXAM “How’s your baby?”. I still don’t know how to help the awkward silence that comes when I reveal that “Zach is 3 1/2 and great; Luke actually died a few days after birth”. Just know that your tears and emotions make sense, if only to another mother on the journey! It is OK to cry & be grateful at the same time. We are praying for you & your family….Holly Miller, Jackson TN

  • Marin

    Glad to hear from you Angie. I look forward to your updates :)

    Oh, I have a story to tell you and Todd. It’s funny how he loves that verse because the a few years back, you guys came to Maranatha Bible and Missionary Conference near Muskegon, MI. After the concert I went into the gift shop. I was struggling with a lot of severe family issues and my plans for college at that time (I have a physical disability so it makes it slightly difficult to work that out). A necklace that opened into a tiny metal book (with a purple cross on it: I love purple), and had Jeremiah 29:11 on it, was there. I bought the necklace and wear it all the time, ever since that year. It’s when I fell in love with that verse, it’s my favorite.

    Oh and I told someone what you said, Angie, about remembering that God has only a Plan A and not a Plan B (our Bible study is in the portion of James that talks about plans) and they started crying because they just felt so defeated but said that those words encouraged them so much and they wanted me to thank you for them (they don’t have a blog or google account). They loved hearing the shorter version of Audrey’s story and I sent them to your blog.

  • gracie :)

    Angie, thank you for allowing us the incredible privilege of peering into your heart in the midst of this pain. I find myself drawn here nearly every day to find comraderie in your words. Somehow, it seems as if reading about how you are processing the grief will give further insight into how to process my own. I recently heard a quote that said, “You never get over it, but you do get used to it.” I have found that to be true in my life. I will never “get over” the incredible pain of losing children, yet somehow God gives the grace to go on despite the dull aching deep within my heart. Healing does come, yet scars remain as a reminder that God is faithful through every circumstance. I, too, am grateful for the opportunity to know Him in a way I could not have otherwise.

    Do you find that your loss actually feels greater having other children than if you had none? It seems one thought people have is that the loss would be easier since you have other children. But I have found that being a mommy now makes my loss greater than it was before. While there was the incredible ache of loneliness in my heart, it wasn’t until I had the joys of parenting that I realized just how great the loss had been. Three years and counting. I’m pretty used to it by now, but I’m definitely not over it! I marvel at the redemption of our God, to take such pain and to create incredible beauty out of it. Thank you for sharing your life with the rest of us.

  • Courtney

    A Baby’s Secret

    I’m your precious baby girl
    Who didn’t quite make it through
    I went straight to be with Jesus
    But I’m waiting to here for you.

    Don’t you fret about me, Mommy,
    I’m of all God’s lamb most blest.
    I’d have loved to stay there with you
    But the Shepherd knows what’s best.

    Many dwelling here where I live
    Waited years to enter in,
    Struggled through a world of sorrow
    And their lives were marred with sin.

    So, Mommy and Daddy, don’t you sorrow,
    Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
    I went straight to be with Jesus
    From my loving mother’s womb.

    Thank you for the life you gave me.
    It was brief, but don’t complain.
    I have all of Heaven’s glories,
    Suffered none of earthlings’ pains.

    Thank you for the name you gave me.
    I’d have loved to brought it fame.
    But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows
    Might instead have brought it shame.

    Daddy gave me something for you.
    It’s our secret, Mommy dear,
    Pressed it tight against my forehead,
    Whispered in my tiny ear.

    I’ll be waiting for you, Mommy,
    You and Daddy I will miss.
    I’ll be with you then forever,
    Then I’ll give you Daddy’s kiss.

    Angie, I just want to remind you that your princess is dancing with Jesus right now. I also wanted to tell you that if I ever met you out on the street and you started telling me about Audrey I would absolutly stop and listen to your story-even if you were talking for 2 hours about her! Let her story be known! If you ever get a chance, listen to Big Daddy Weave’s song “Wait.” I just love that song and I think you would to. Your story is known and being told in Northwest Iowa. You and your family have touched my 14 year old heart forever. Thank you so much for sharing your story! Love, Courtney V.

  • MandyJo013078

    Angie …
    I’ve been praying for you … wishing for you peace and I don’t know if it’s a mistake on this Mother’s Day to wish it to be happy, but I hope that it is in some small way… I wish for you peace on this mother’s day that you know how much you have brought Audrey’s story to so many and also the love of our lord to so many people. May the lord bless you and keep you in his arms.

  • Anonymous

    Praying special prayers for you this Mother’s Day.

  • Anonymous

    Praying for you today. Great idea qwith the questions. I am very curious to hear what God is up to in your life and what you will be sharing with us when the time is right! God is awesome. He is definately up to something GREAT!

    Also how wonderful that you got great dollar store gifts. Kids pick out the cutest things.

  • Mocha with Linda

    I’ve had you on my heart so much as Mother’s Day has approached. Knowing you have your 3 sweet girls to celebrate with but that you are missing celebrating with Audrey also.

    Thanks for giving us a glimpse into your heart.

    How is Todd doing? I know he hasn’t updated his blog much and I know he’s busy touring some plus he’s a guy. How are y’all coping together? Obviously from the video you have such a strong and sweet relationship, but I know this is beyond hard.

    And what about other family members. . . his parents who are so far away, and yours and Nicol, (whose voice I adore and miss when I listen to the new Selah!)?

    Don’t ever feel like you have to write “the perfect post”. We love you and are praying for you.

  • Julie

    God’s grace is amazing and I am so thankful he is using you in so many lives. We never know why he does what he does and that is the hard part of life. This story continues to touch me and bless me beyond measure. Thank you for letting God use you

  • Maria

    I was told about your blog through a friend of mine. Your words are so raw and full of emotion that they have touched me at my core. I will continue to keep you and Todd in my prayers. I am a mother of one child on this earth and three that are already in heaven that I never got to meet. God Bless and Happy Mother’s Day –


  • sara


    Bless you for being used by God. I can’t say anything that every one hasn’t already said. I await your updates & pray that you will be encouraged & that the good days will outweigh & overcome the days of grief. You are precious; you are loved.

  • fran h

    Dear Angie,
    I just wanted to wish you the most beautiful Mother’s Day!
    Thank you once again for sharing your story. I pray for you and your family often.

  • Danielle

    Angie ~ I don’t know you but I feel as if I do. I have read your blog over and over and wept for you and your family. Your trust and faith in God is so inspiring. I am currently pregnant and expecting my first child ~ little Eli already knows of Audrey and how special she was and is. Happy Mother’s Day to one of the strongest and amazing mothers I have ever known. Your girls are incredibly blessed…sending you much love today!

  • Chrissy

    Happy Mother’s Day Angie…you are a precious Mother of FIVE!

  • Anonymous

    Angie, Though this must be a bittersweet Mother’s Day ~ I still wanted to wish you the very best. May God fill your heart with joy today as you watch with His eyes your beautiful girls here and know that His hands are forever wrapped around the two that are with Him already. Be Blessed ~ Cindy~Phoenix

  • Lindsey

    I came across your blog while blog stalking (should I admit that?), anyway what a beautiful story and what a beautiful family you have. Your faith is amazing and very inspiring.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story, such a precious part of your life.
    God bless you for all the lives you have touched and brought closer to God.

  • angelaraew

    I feel the need to thank you for sharing your story with everyone. I truly believe that you and your family are an inspiration. I heard one of Todd’s songs on the radio the other day, and prayed for you and your family.

    I read your entire blog about a month ago – but never commented. I suppose it’s because I wasn’t sure what to say, or maybe that I didn’t feel “worthy” or commenting (how silly is that?!).

    Your strong unfailing faith has helped me. I feel compassion and love in my heart as I read about your journey, and I really must thank you.

    Every time I see rain, and every time something hard happens – I’m brought back to your blog and the realization that there must be rain in all of our lives. And we must praise Him for it.

    Again, thank you. God bless.

  • Cammie

    Dear Angie
    I just wanted to wish you a Happy Mothers Day. I know this day will be bittersweet for you, but with God’s help and all of our prayers, you will make it through. Enjoy your week at the beach, your family needs some good bonding time. You and your family are in my prayers daily.

  • Aimee

    Hi Angie,

    I suspect for you, today was another day of joy mingled with grief. Joy at being able to share this holiday with your three sweet little girls, and grief that there are not five of your babies with you today. I thought about you several times today and prayed that your day was peaceful. I want you to know that I respect you so much as a mom; you’ve let us see the way you’ve handled the grieving process with your children and it is a beautiful thing to witness how you’ve guided them through the pain while you yourself are hurting so much. I admire you from both a professional perspective (we share the same profession) and from a mommy’s point of view, and your sense of humor is so refreshing! You’re in my prayers tonight, as always…

    Aimee Wade
    Avon, NY

  • Randie

    Angie you are an amazing woman and have touched so many in so many ways. You and your family are in my prayers. I remember in a post you said you just felt everyones prayers carrying you. A friend of mine who also lost her child said the same thing…I just stopped and paused when I read that. God is SO good. I dont understand why these things happen but your hope and faith through this most difficult time in your life has opened my eyes a lot. I know His love for you is great.

  • Randie

    Oh and Happy Mothers Day…I hope it has been a blessed and wonderful one!

  • Rachel

    Happy Momma’s Day sweet sister in Christ. I am grateful for being blessed by you.

  • The Beaver Bunch

    Happy Mother’s Day, Angie. I hope you took some moments to reflect on all the joys of motherhood, played w/ your girls and spent some time w/ Audrey as well. Lifting you up in prayer to the one who gives all us Mom’s a life worth living.

  • Jess

    Don’t forget- you got a pack of ball-point pens from the Dollar Store too!! It was amazing to understand the thought behind choosing those monkey’s and pig and pens for you! I hope you had a special day today, and am looking forward to seeing you next week! Much Love to you & the fam!!

  • Marla Taviano

    Love and hugs from Ohio! You’re such a blessing!

  • Anonymous

    been with you for awhile…yes, keep are an inspired writer and need to keep it up for yourself and others…maybe a book is in the future…only God knows..He seems to be leading you in that direction…

  • Lynn

    I know how hard Mother’s Day can be…saying extra prayers for you today!

    John 3:16-17 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

  • Lindsay Spencer

    Happy Mothers day. This day in heaven will be miraculous for you. What a wonderful mother you are to your children. They will grow up to be wonderful mothers too, because of you.

  • Laurie

    Hello Angie, I have been reading your blog and have been praying for you. Last year June 18th I lost my baby Desmond. I was 32 weeks. The Doctors have no explanation, just that it could have been caused from me having Pre-eclampsia. The song the Lord gave me was “Blessed be the name of the Lord…He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be his name”. I too faced all the same questions. My faith was shaken. I have felt loss before. I lossed my brother 15 yrs ago, my dad 7 yrs ago. I have had two miscarriages, one at 12 weeks and one 4-6 weeks. I have four beautiful children here still living. After my fourth child was born in 1999 I didn’t want anymore children. I asked the Dr to tie my tubes and they couldn’t because the hospital was catholic and I was healthy enough to have more. My sixth pregnancy came 6 months after my fourth child was born. It was a surprise and I was not prepared. I was angry at God and my husband. But within that week I accepted it as God’s plan and told my family. The next day I miscarried (my 2nd miscarriage). Four months later (2000) my dad went in to the Dr for step throat and because of a Dr’s negligence he ended up dying three months later. I felt the Lord teaching me that He is in control not me!!! So in waited on the Lord to show me His plan. At the end of 2006, my husband wanted to try again. Christmas 2006 I surprised my kids and husband with the pregnancy test! For the next 7 months, we were so excited and learned that we were having a boy. He fit into the boy, girl, boy, girl, boy pattern that was happening! He would have been the third boy. There were seven ladies at church all having babies back to back. Our Pastor’s wife had hers two weeks before I lost Desmond. And a dear friend had hers one week after.
    I say all this because, like you said we can plan but God has a bigger plan that we do not know. I thought this baby was God’s plan because of the lessons I had learned from my previous losses. I had a hard time worshiping because I couldn’t understand God’s reason. I love to sing! But I couldn’t find my song in the dark time!! Last month I could literally feel the enemy trying to swallow me up with despair and self-pity! My neice was born two months ago on Good Friday. I was fine the first two times seeing her, but the third time I couldn’t stop crying, hearing my mom all excited over another grand baby. I felt like Desmond had been replaced and forgotten!! Then a friend gave me Rita Springer’s CD. The very first song was called “Worth It All”. The first line was “I don’t understand your ways…” I started balling my eyes out. I started my daily Bible study (Beth Moore’s: Psalms of Ascent) with that song. I am doing better, but this week there will be a memorial for our Desmond. We had donated his body for infant cornea research at Wayne State University, Mi. They are doing the memorial. I take things day by day. Allowing the Lord to minister what he wants to me. My husband and I decided to try again for another baby. I am scared and hopeful at the same time. Your blogs encourage me and inspire me. I would love to keep in touch with you. I know you get millions of e-mails but here is my e-mail address and

    I pray for the Lord’s face to shine down upon you and to give you peace and comfort! He is the source of our strength! He is our shelter in times of storms. There is no one like our God! May you find joy in the midst of your trials and hang on to His promises!
    God bless you my friend!!!

    Laurie Parr

  • Nicole Philen

    Angie, my question to you is this. How do you still feel like a mother after losing both your babies to miscarriages? (This happened to me, so our stories are alike and different, in a way) People ask me if I’ve got kids and anytime I try to explain it, I start crying & go into a panic attack. I feel my children hug me when I cry and laugh when I’m being silly. Is this crazy?

    I would like to, with your permission name my daughter Audrey….however she comes into my life, be it biologically or by adoption.

  • A Stone Gatherer

    So much to be grateful for! Thank you for sharing your “thankfulness in all things”! You are in my prayers!

  • Tina Vega

    I just celebrated Mom’s Day as a mother of five as well… two here and three in heaven.

    Bless you Angie and thank you so much for allowing us to be part of your journey. You’re in my heart and prayers.

  • LizG

    I was thinking of you yesterday and I just wanted to send you my best wishes.

    Liz x

  • Nicki

    Hey there Angie, Again……a powerful post! You are such a gifted writer, the Lord has given you a talent to share your heart in such a real and powerful way.

    I watched you Plan B video on your friend’s blog and it was so good. I just sat captured by the whole thing. How true….there never is a Plan B. It’s always His plan, never ours!!

    Thanks for this… was awesome. Hope you have a good week.

  • Kristi


    May the God of all Comfort continue to guide you through these days. You are precious in his sight and your tears and emotions honor him. Thank you for sharing your life with us and making us feel like we know you. Praying for you! Kristi

  • Stacy D


    A friend of mine directed me to your blog and it was just what I needed.

    Long story short, I am currently 15weeks pregnant, but had a missed miscarriage this past fall at 13 weeks. They determined the cause was triploidy (a whole extra set of chromosomes. I hadn’t felt “right” for a few days about a week and a half ago, so I called the doctor and they brought me in at 10:30 that day to check the heartbeat on the doppler. No heartbeat. So, they sent me for a sonogram. They found a good heartbeat, but also found two very concerning abnormalities… an abdominal defect (omphalocele) and more concerning, something called a cystic hygroma. Basically, it is a thick cystic thing filled with fluid on the back of the baby’s neck. The fold on the baby’s neck should measure 1-2 mm. Our baby’s measured well over 8 mm. So, since my miscarriage was also the result of chromosomal abnormalities, they sent us to a genetic counselor. We met for a while with the genetic counselor who basically she suspects another chromosomal abnormality with the baby. When I asked specifically what she suspected, she trisomy 13 or trisomy 18 both of which are lethal, usually with the baby being carried to term or close to it, and then either being stillborn or dieing shortly thereafter. She suggested doing a chromosomal test (CVS… like amnio, only earlier) on the baby, so we then went to another doctor’s office at a newaby hospital to have that done. The doctor there also measured the thickness of the baby’s neck, and said that given the severity of the thickness, that research only suggests a 10-15% chance of viability, meaning the baby being born alive (not a normal, healthy birth or life).

    Needless to say, I am devestated. I basically feel like I am sitting here waiting for my baby to die. I know there’s the saying that “When you’re down to nothing, God is up to something,” but I can’t figure out what He’s up to. I am just completely heart-broken and angry, as is my husband, Spencer. I know God can work miracles if He wants to, and I pray that He does.

    The genetic testing from the CVS test came back NORMAL. I couldn’t believe it.

    The genetic counselor said that there could still be other genetic problems or birth defects and she is still concerned about the baby’s abdomen (the omphalocele) and the development of the baby’s heart. She wants us to come back in at 16 weeks, then 20 weeks, 24 weeks, etc… for ultrasounds so that the baby can still be monitored. She said its development and viability are still very fragile. We also are going for a fetal echocardiogram in two weeks.

    If you think of it, would you pray for us?

    I was reading in 1 John last Wednesday about love, and about how we love because God first loved us (1 John 4:19). Prior to that, though, it talks about how there is no fear in love, because perfect love casts out fear. There have been many times in the past week that I have felt really afraid, and I know that’s normal. But, I know that fear can also grip a person to the point where they are left somewhat paralyzed emotionally, and when that happens, we can’t love well. I have no idea what God has in store for us with this pregnancy; but what I do know is that we’re called to love others well… even this little baby that isn’t born yet. So, would you pray that Spencer and I would have the courage, in spite of fear, to love our little son well for however long God would have him be with us and to not be afraid?

    Lastly, would you please pray for a miracle, not just for the sake of Spencer, myself, and our baby, but so that other people in our lives, particularly our family, might see His good works and come to know him? I think about times in scripture where Jesus was questioned about people’s disabilites, being asked if it was that person’s father’s sins that made them that way, and how he replied that no, this happened so that the power of God might be displayed in that person’s life. Would you pray that God works a miracle, that His power would be displayed in our lives so that others would believe and come to know Him?

    Your blog just touched be, because so many of your experiences and thoughts and struggles with God have been what I’ve been feeling like these past few weeks. We don’t have any children yet, though, so there’s an added stress of whether or not we’ll ever be able to have kids. But, God is in control, and He is good :)

    ~ Stacy

  • Kathi

    Angie, You are an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing your life, faith, hope, fears, and struggles with all of us. I am praying for you.

  • jenny mae.

    it brings me great comfort to know that one day you will meet audrey and your first baby in Glory someday and all will be restored.

  • Kimmer

    Still thinking of you

  • Lex

    Know that you are loved and that I am grateful to you both for your story and also for your incredible example of God’s love and grace. I’m also a part of a small young women’s Bible study at my church and I imagine it’s similar to your “ya ya” group :) . They’re always such a blessing in so many ways :) . Anyway, I just wanted to extend my thanks to you for being such a phenomenal woman of God and let you know that you’re in our prayers :) . God bless!

  • Angela

    I still follow your journey in healing I too lost my son due to stillbirth and I dont really have answers other than possible cord compression.
    I get angry at God too and felt so bad about it until I read your story. Im sure he can handle it and knows we are imperfect as well.
    I pray for you when I pray for myself. Finding the things to say can be impossible.

  • Alysa

    I have read everything but haven’t commented until now. I just wanted you to know that last night on Mother’s Day as I was singing in church and crying, rejoicing for my beautiful healthy son while at the same time mourning over the loss of my precious baby who I lost to a miscarriage, I thought of you. I prayed for you on such a day that would be bringing you the same mix of emotions as I was feeling. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for being faithful. Please keep sharing. I will keep praying.

  • Dallas and Amylee

    I have found solace in your blog the past few weeks. It’s pretty unbelieveable how you can feel so connected to strangers. I think it is feeling God in all of us. I have felt my “mother-heart” connected to yours and I think and pray for your family often. Although It is hard to see people hurt, it’s nice to know that we can hurt out loud. This month is a hard one for our family. Last year, our best friend died of an overdose. We have ached over the loss of such a sweet life. We have especailly ached at how he died such a senseless death. It is a year later, and it seems like we should “feel better”. I think that’s the term people use these days. But, quietly in my room, I still cry. I pass his grave everyday, and it takes my breath away. I guess what I am trying to say, is thank you. Thank you for sharing your grief with everyone- out loud, unafraid, boldly- so that we can do the same.
    I will forever pray for your lovely family.
    Amylee Nicoll

  • SingerMamaMelody

    Dear Angie,

    I think about you and your family a lot these last few weeks since I began reading your blog. And whenever I hear Selah on the radio, I am reminded to pray for you. Thank you for sharing with us your “grateful” thoughts…how neat that you could go on that retreat with your Ya Ya Bible girls. I like that idea. I’m so glad that you have a community immediately surrounding you to encourage you and lift you up. I’m continuing to pray for you all.

  • Chrissy from the UK

    Happy Mother’s day a day late Angie. I started reading your blog a few days after Audrey’s birth. She was born on my Mom’s birthday and I will probably always remember her!! I love going to your blog and seeing if you have any new posts and listening to the music. My girls age 5 and 3 both sing with me to the songs! Thank you for showing me patience, love and kindness. I have small struggles and your words stay with me and comfort me. I can’t find the words to tell you how much you have touched my life. Thank you and God Bless you and your beautiful family.

  • Becoming Me

    Your heart is beautiful and your love for your family and our Saviour flows deeply. I am grateful to know another sister in Christ.

  • Alice

    I’ve been reading your blog since January, and it has meant so much to me. I didn’t get to read this post until this morning, but I had you in my prayers all yesterday (Mother’s Day).

    My question is this–do you do anything special/intentional in fostering the sister relationship between your girls? I have two girls (ages 4 1/2 and 2). I never had a sister, and you’ve said that you do, so I was just wondering. My girls adore each other (and fight a lot!), and I really want them to keep their wonderful sister bond into adulthood. I’d love it if you have any special advice or even a book recommendation for sisters.

  • mandajune

    Angie, your sweet, well written words are beautiful to read. But the heart behind them, the heart that clings to the Lord…that is where the true beauty is!

    I’d love to hear a little about your life…q&a is such a fun idea. How did you and Todd meet? What’s your favorite meal? Who are your closest friends and how do they encourage you?

    Press on dear sister. The LORD is ministering to so many through your life!

  • Marilena


    I have been following your blog since a few weeks before Audrey was born. I just want to tell you that you have been a real blessing to me. You have inspired me to really count my blessings and enjoy every moment with my family. I have even started my own blog called ‘Miracle of the Moment’. My sister and I have been checking your blog daily and we always joke that we feel like we’re stalking you.LOL. Really, it’s just that I genuinely care how you are doing and I want to keep praying for you. Thank you for keeping us updated and you and your sweet family will continue to be in my prayers.

  • Marilena

    I forgot to ask my question.
    Along with some other readers I would also love to hear you testimony.

  • Shannon in PA

    Dear Angie,
    I have been following your life journey since the day you gave birth to Audrey. Every single time I check your blog, I am amazed at your strength. You sit down and pour your heart and soul out to all of us out here in the world. Your love of God, family, and friends is the role model so many of us women need today. I admire the way you are so open with us with not only words, but also pictures, which for a visual person like me, makes it all REAL. I want to thank you for working through the pain for us, to show us that life is real, not a make believe show. Thank you for asking our Savior to give you strength and courage to share your ongoing story. We ALL need to see Christ working miracles in our lives and I believe some of the hardest things to see are right before our eyes. You are helping ALL to see by being an example of Christ’s pure and perfect love. I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOU MY FRIEND!!! Thank You, Shannon Miller

  • pakosta

    I am grateful to have found your blog, because it reminds me so much of what i have in my life and that I should be forever grateful……and I am.
    God Bless You. and Thank you for sharing your story.

  • pakosta

    oh and I meant to say, that I have a puppy too and recently had to board him because my fil was in the hospital and we needed to be with him, and I was soooooo missing my baby boy puppy so so much! so you are so NOT crazy for that!!!!!!!! they are part of our family!
    they just can’t always go everywhere we go!

  • Lisa

    Angie, I want you to know I have been praying for you and with your family for weeks now. I too, among the many, have cried even wept just thinking and praying for you. You are touching so many, and I know you will continue to bless others through your trials.
    I specifically want to talk to you about your post “Grateful”. It is really a God thing that you would post such, because I was going to send you an email of a Mother’s Day Talk I gave. My husband works for a Wesleyan church here in Michigan and I am the Women’s Ministry Team Director. On Saturday we did a brunch, my theme was “Seeds of Faith, Buckets of Glory” the talk concentrated on trusting God, and changing our perspective…. I would love to email you what I said, but you are doing just as I was advising all of them to do.
    changing perspective: While this takes great Trust in our Heavenly Father, it also takes gratitude. In the instance of having a trial in your life finding something you can be thankful for. The gratitude that we feel is more than just a passing moment of happiness. It becomes the cornerstone of a resilience and strength that will see all of us through tough times.
    Thank you for allowing all of us to see your Gratitude for others, for your friends, for your prayer partners, even those you don’t know. It is amazing to see how you are seeking the better day with certainity, and trusting God in everything.
    Please know I continue to pray for y’all, and feel connected to your family in prayer.
    In His Never-Ending Love,

  • The Baby Makes 4

    The story of Audrey and the blessing I received from being welcomed by this blog to pray before, during and after her birth, stays with me every day. I am constantly reminded by sweet Audrey that God is alive and real. I will never forget her, you or the ministry of “Bring the Rain”. Audrey will always live in my heart as the baby girl who showed me the power of prayer.

  • Alyssa

    Dear Angie, my name is Alyssa. I came across your blog through my college suite mates’ web page. I just read the entire story in one sitting and right now I’m feeling like a bundle of mixed emotions.
    My heart aches for You, your husband, and family. I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your baby girl. I have fallen in love with her through this blog and I’ve never even met. So I really can’t imagine what you must be going through. I want you to know that I’m praying for you! Your strength, courage, and faith in God through this entire journey (as seen in your posts) is so amazing. You are such a testimony! I love you (as a sister in Christ) and I want to thank you for being so real and humble in this blog! God is using YOU , YOUR FAMILY, & AUDREY!
    I don’t know that I will ever have the privilege of meeting you here on this earth, but I look forward to meeting you someday in heaven -and Audrey!:) May God continue to bless & encourage You & your family through this time in your lief! Praying for you!

  • Anonymous

    Dear Angie,
    Thank you for you blog about being grateful. I check your blog several times a day just to make sure you are ok. Or at least mostly ok. It was great to hear from you again. Please keep writing as so many of us look forward to hearing from you but most of all take care of yourself. Enjoy your time at the beach soaking up the sun and watching Abby, Ellie and Kate frolick.
    I have been reminded several times in the past few days to be grateful and thank God for blessings. Thank you for reminding me.
    I will continue to pray for you and Todd for a long time to come.

  • ~~ Hollie Lisk~~

    I’m grateful for my group of friends. The candle ceremony looks special…would like to hear more about that.



  • Brenda

    Dear Angie and family,
    I hope you are enjoying your vacation at the beach. Please continue to write. I have become very attached to your blog and you are such a talented writer. Your story and Audrey’s is not over yet and all of us that have shared in your grief want to see how you’re doing. We love you as a friend even though we will probably never meet in person.
    God certainly choose the right parents for little Audrey as well as for Ellie, Abby and Kate.
    My prayers are with you and your four daughters.

  • Tanya

    God bless you so much. I read about Audrey and my heart sunk. But, your faith is so awesome and I really love that about you. I will never meet you in person, but I am so blessed to meet you in words. I know God has awesome travels for you. And He is awesome. Thank you for sharing your grateful heart. Love Tanya

  • Kari Dawson

    Hi Angie! I just wanted to let you know I have been spreading the link to your blog like wild fire! You are so inspiring! God uses you mightly! I tagged you on my blog today in the hopes that even more people will click the link and find your heart. If you want to play along you can read the rules on my blog.

  • Rachel

    Angie I wrote you an email a while back but again, I went through the EXACT same thing 4 years ago this May. I felt those feelings of peace and our friends and church and people I didn’t even know prayers. There was peace in the room just like you talked about. My question to you would be….how do you do it? I recovered from that (somewhat) and have just lost another baby and am so lost. People keep saying I am so strong, faithful, blessing socks off, etc. I feel weak, faithless and lost. HOw do you go on when something so heartwrenching and so terrible has happened? Losing a child? I am having a rough time. Your blog has been such a blessing to me. Prayers to you and your family.

  • Sheri

    Thank you for sharing your grief. I too am a grieving mother, a little longer than you have been and for a much older baby. My faith is shaken to the core, rocked hard, still there, but just so injured by the loss. Your gentle words touch me softly and for that I am grateful. I understand so much the tides of grief that are moving within you. I am glad you have such faith to comfort you.

  • lindsay k.

    just wanted to let you know that i’m still here. and you and your family, and especially audrey have not been forgotten. may you feel the comfort of all of us and our Heavenly Father during this difficult time.

  • Kristen

    I have followed your journey for over a month and have been overwhelmed with the power of your words and faith. I strongly believe that there is a purpose in everthing, which was proven to me yesterday. One of my very close friends lost their little boy after a very difficult pregnancy with twins. She went into preterm labor after close to 2 months on complete bed rest. The little girl is doing as well as can be expected but the little boy, Christopher, passed away yesterday in his parent’s arms. Both babies were born on Mother’s Day. I ask that you pray for them in this time of loss and give them the strength to cope and continue their faith. Any suggestions on how to support them would also be greatly appreciated. Thank you, Angie for your strength, faith, and beauty. Your story has taught us all so much.

  • Jeni

    Your blog was suggested on a friend of mine’s blog from high school. The first time I ventured over, I too spent hours catching up on old posts and stories and crying…I spent a lot of crying. Yesterday I attended the funeral of a friend of mine’s newborn baby, Courtney Michelle, who lived only an hour after she was born. The most horrible part of it all, was that we buried her next to her little brother, Ethan Mark, who died of the same disorder Courtney did six years ago. They are buried in Hattiesburg, MS. It was the most heart-wrenching thing I have ever experienced. My friend Susan’s babies suffered from a disorder called PKD. It is when the mother doesn’t produce enough amniotic fluid for the baby’s lungs to develop, or that is the best I can understand it in layman’s terms. With their first child, Ethan, they had NO idea until after she had delivered him. When he was born, he lived only a few hours. After Susan picked herself up from that, they became pregnant with twin girls, born happy and healthy, then another little girl followed, Annie. Then little Courtney Michelle, who they found out a few months ago had the same disorder Ethan did. She chose to carry her baby as long as she could. They had a C-section scheduled for June 2, but while they were at the beach as a family last week, Susan went into labor. She flew back to Hattiesburg, the doctors decided not to stop labor, and Courtney Michelle was born at 8:33am this past Saturday. She died at 9:33am. The short graveside service, as sad as it was, provided closure for the family, and they are grounded in their beliefs that they are eternal family, and that Ethan and Courtney are just gone from them for now. I have appreciated reading your journey, and when the time is right, I’m going to suggest it to my friend Susan. Having been through this twice, I think she could glean a lot of strength from your story. She is an amazingly strong woman, and while I feel none of us are ever really “ready” to deal with something like this, it is apparent to me that the Lord blesses women who must shoulder this with an added layer of strength and faith. My prayers are with you and your family.

  • Overwhelmed!

    Happy Belated Mothers Day to you, mother of five.

    I am amazed that even during your grief you find room to be grateful for so many things. You are an inspiration to me.

    You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Shannon and Nathan

    I lost my daughter as well and I am grateful. That is what gets me through most days. I love to read your blog and find myself thinking of you and your Audrey, knowing we moms who have lost are not alone. Our children are not alone. It makes the days easier. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  • babycatcher33

    A friend sent me a link to your blog and I am grateful. I’ve read only a few entries but I wanted you to know that your faith has inspired me to reach out to God more. I am a Christian, I attend a bible believing church, but I have sat down on the bench instead of carrying on with my walk with God. I also have five children, three here on earth (14, 6, 11 months) and two in heaven – one lost early in pregnancy after years of infertility treatments, and one full term, no-reason-at-all loss of our daughter Abby in June 2006. Her little sister Charlotte was born 1 yr and 2 wks later, due on the exact same day that Abby was – a true miracle.

    I have also blogged through my pregnancies and my grief, and I know that Abby’s life has touched many people. My journal is also the place where I share my parenting struggles, and the challenges of being a midwifery student in Canada. You are welcome to come and read Abby’s story, here.

    Thank you for writing, thank you for sharing your faith and your grief. Bless you,

  • Krystal

    You affirm to me with every post that our Jesus is faithful. I find myself wallowing in my own self pity so much more than I want to admit over such small things. I honor you standing under his covering. I honor you for lifting up his name when the world would curse it. My prayer is that you and your family will continue to be raw with you faith, continue to show love with no boundaries. Thank you for reminding to love my children in the most intimate way, to love them when I struggle, when I sin and when I am on mountain tops. You have modeled for me the unconditional love of my Jesus. Thank you sister.

  • Rachel Anderson

    I’ve been deeply touched by your blog and want to thank you for sharing your story. My question(s) range more on the practical side of things… You mentioned going to a Women’s retreat 4 days after you had Audrey, but what you didn’t mention is that fact that you just went through a major surgery days before. How is/was your healing from the c-section? For the record, all the pictures of you I’ve seen, you look amazing and not like someone who just had major surgery such a short time ago. I was just curious how you’re feeling physically? God Bless you Angie!

  • April

    I am so glad that you found some peace on Mother’s Day.

    I have read your blog from the beginning. On the day that you gave birth to Audrey, I was in the hospital getting my own tests done.

    I am a 31 year old mom of two myself and the results from those tests found that I have cancer.

    On May 12th I had surgery and had a 12cm tumor removed and the journey countinues but as I travel my cancer walk- I will need alittle help from my Friend.

    Here is where my Questions start:

    Top 10 Contempory Christian Songs of All Time- What is your votes?

    I need some to help me through those angry days! I typically talk to Jesus through music. Its just the way we are. some new songs would do our relationship some good at this time.

    Keep the Faith, mama.

  • Rami*Reconciled

    I read your blog regularly for the past few months but last night I decided to start from the beginning. Before reading this particular post I was standing outside enjoying the rain and thinking ‘if I could just ask her some questions…’ but decided that would be all together weird and really, who has time for random questions? Apparently you do.
    My question(s) are of a spiritual nature and I hope you can find the time and the words to answer them.
    I suppose, to make it simple, I want what you have. Sometimes I get so angry after reading your posts because I don’t understand. How do you get Him to talk so much? How did you get your faith? I keep trying to remember that you’ve been doing this a lot longer than I, but on the other hand I’ve never believed that Jesus prejudice, by that I mean that He is one way to older Christians and another way to newer ones. I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong, all I know is that I’m frustrated… and I want what you have.
    I try so hard. That is what is frustrating I suppose. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me but seemingly so easy for others. Why am I not getting through? Why am I not hearing? And how do you do these things?
    Thank you for your story and for sharing it. When it gets really hard I come to your page just to see what God happens to be revealing to you at the time. When I don’t get angry it gives me hope. Thanks for that.