Thank you for your prayers. That sentence just looks small to me; smaller than it feels. We have felt the presence of those who are standing in the gap today, and we are all so grateful.
I wanted to post and give you a few more updates. I am praying as I type that you will see past my muddled thoughts and let your heart make sense of my words. I felt like I was too tired to say anything, but I really want to ask for your continued prayer in these days. Greg and Nicol will be going to the funeral home tomorrow to make arrangements for Luke. Please pray for strength, clarity in decision-making, and peace as they do this.
Luke’s memorial service will be held on Monday. I don’t know the details yet, but I will post more about it as they make decisions in the next day or so.
As parents, we are always looking for ways that we could have done things differently. As Christians, we know that God doesn’t leave His throne. There is an ugly middle road that Satan would love to make each of us walk, desperate to convince us that we could have prevented tragedy. Please ask the Lord to make Himself so big that there is no room for questioning.
I feel like there is so much more to say, and even as I have typed I have thought of many more things I would like to ask you to pray for. I wish I had the energy to write every one of them, but I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. I am praying that the Holy Spirit will whisper to you, and I want to thank you in advance for listening.
Molly (my sister in law) and I went to Greg and Nicol’s house today to gather some things for them. They haven’t been back yet, and I can’t imagine what it will feel like to be there again. I just looked at all of his toys and his clothes and I felt like it couldn’t possibly be real. How can he be gone? All his things in place, waiting for another day, and no Luke. I kept thinking about what great parents they are, and they way they love their children. I thought about what the night they lost him must have been like, and there was something in me that felt like giving up.
There are moments where it seems hard to believe that a good, gracious God would allow us to hurt this way. I have told Him so. I have told Him a million things I wish He would have done differently, but tonight when I close my eyes, I will see the cross. I will rest in the sound of His sweet voice, reminding me that all is well in a place far away, where 2 babies are rejoicing together as they are reunited in the presence of the Lord.
Audrey and Luke, I pray that you are dancing tonight as we rest. We long to hold you again, to sing to you, to breathe the smell of your skin. We long to parent you, but we know you are in far greater hands now. I wish I could ask you what it is like…I long to see what you see.
For those of you who have followed my blog, you may remember that today was my due date with Audrey. It was certainly a day marked my the feeling of loss, and yet enough grace to allow me to hope.
Since Luke passed away on 5-27, I looked up that verse in the Bible. It says “…Follow me,” Jesus said to him, and Levi got up, left everything and followed him.” I choose to believe that in the moments when Luke was passing away, the voice of the Lord came quietly to him and asked him the same…no pain, no fear, just a still small voice in the night saying, “follow me, Luke.”
That thought spurred me on today…”follow Me…follow Me…through the house, though the grief, through the memories., through the anger..follow Me.”
Lord, in every decision we make and with everything we have to offer, let it be the cry of our heart to follow you….wherever you may lead us.
Thank you for helping us to take tiny steps in the direction of healing.
Your words are so meaningful, and I want you to encourage you to write to Nicol and Greg at firstname.lastname@example.org. I know they will find refuge there, in the prayers and encouragement of the faithful.
Thank you so much for choosing to walk this with us. We are more grateful than words can say.
I will post again tomorrow to keep you all informed…