Empty Pages

I love that a bunch of you commented on how great it was to see me smiling in the pictures I posted.  A couple of you said it seemed like I was getting my “spunk” back.  I feel like there are glimpses of it every day, but yesterday was really hard.
I found a notebook that I hadn’t seen around for a few months, and when I opened it I saw a page where I had been doodling potential baby names.  It must have been around November or so.  At first, there were boy names and girl names.  A few pages later, it was just girl names. Then it just said Audrey Caroline Smith.  
And there she was.
As the days passed, I kept notes about what I needed to be doing as I prepared for her. Fresh tears came as I saw my “lists.”  Mixed in with Christmas ideas for my friends and family were memos to myself about where I had found the best price on a stroller and what I was going to do to get Kate’s room ready for two kids instead of one.  I guess it was stuff that seemed important at the time.  A couple things were crossed off, but most of them weren’t; there just wasn’t time, I guess.
The rest of the notebook is blank.
I kept flipping back and forth between the words and the emptiness, thinking of all the ways that I would have rather filled the pages.  
One of the hardest things for me about losing Audrey is that I want to know who she was going to be.  I just wanted the chance to love her for a little longer.  I stare at her little face in pictures and sometimes I can’t do anything but curl up in a ball and miss her. So last night, that is what I did.  I just sat and missed her.
Many of you have sent me links to other people’s blogs because they have lost a child.  I want you to know that I go to every single one.  I don’t always comment, but I pray.  I look at the sweet family pictures and read people’s words of love and faith, and I weep alongside strangers because I know what it feels like to have a half-empty notebook. One of the hardest parts is the entry before the loss (if it was unexpected), because it seems like life is just so normal, no indication of what is just on the horizon.  You want to scream at the computer (or in my case, the notebook) like it’s an old movie where the heroine doesn’t see the villain, but you do. 
I looked at my words and I wanted so badly to be able to go to that girl, at that moment, and tell her that she didn’t need to rearrange the room.  She didn’t need to buy burp-cloths.  She had no idea. 
I had no idea.
I don’t know why this affected me so much, but I do know that last night, I fell asleep crying because I missed my sweet Audrey so desperately.  And I thought of Greg and Nicol and the way they were probably doing the same.  I thought about the fact that Luke’s little onesies were still in the laundry room and his diapers on the nightstand.
I can’t imagine what God must have felt when we walked into a small, unfamiliar ultrasound room months ago, and the pages went blank.  And tonight, the only thing I can think to say is a 5 word sentence that hurts to write.
I want them back, Lord.

I want my Audrey, safe and sound.

Sweet Luke, come back.

I’m not crazy, I know this can’t happen, not in this life.  But I am crying out for my baby, for our babies.  For all the pages…Oh Lord, why???
I don’t know how to say this in a way that adequately connotes what I felt last night and all day today, but I will try my best.  
It isn’t easy for me to write.  It isn’t easy because it makes me think through things I might rather leave undone, and it makes me vulnerable in a way that is humbling.  But, in some way that only God can make sense of, He is using you all to teach me about myself, and even about the way I love my daughter. She has inspired me to do something I never would have done before because of my own fear, and the beauty is that I have been so blessed in return.  You don’t even know me, and yet you take the time to send me letters, prayers, and encouragement. Because of this blog, I have seen how God’s people love.  
What a tremendous, beautiful gift you all have given me.
I kept thinking today about the symbolism of the empty notebook, telling the Lord how that image stings in it’s finality. I kept thinking about my faraway stranger-friends who encourage me to feel what I feel.  
I think I realize now what I didn’t last night, because of you.
The pages won’t stay empty forever.  They will be written in honor of Audrey, and in honor of Luke.  They will be written for every baby that has left this earth before mommy could tuck her in.  
I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart for encouraging me to pick up my pen, to tap my keyboard, and to start to fill in the emptiness.  To love her with my words, and to share her when she couldn’t share herself.  
It has been a hard few weeks.  I know that God is in the midst of it, as He always is, but it hurts to be without them.
Thank you for your prayers, and for offering to be a part of our grief.
May you be blessed as richly in return.
Angie

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  • Emily

    Sweet Angie,
    Sometimes, you take the words right off my lips. That’s just what you have done tonight… and I am so sorry that you can. I am missing my girl, my third baby girl, too. And I want her back, too. Instead, I am receiving the Lord’s grace moment by moment and learning more about His character and His kingdom and His goodness. I, too, am pushing through the fear and the pain to see all I might never have seen if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be. I am praying for your heart, precious friend of my heart. His joy will be our strength. Joy cometh….

  • Addimando Family

    I came across your blog on a celebrity baby website. I was so heartbroken for your loss, and so touched by your words. I emailed all my friends and family and had them read your story, Audrey’s story. For whatever trials they are having in their, my own life you have really given light to those who may be lost in the dark. For that I give you thanks.
    I pray for you and your family. I will always keep the Audrey Caroline story near to my heart.
    Whenever you feel down, just look up.

    Andi

  • Stacia

    I have been meaning to write a letter to you. To explain my story a bit and to let you know how much you helped me. On Mother’s day weekend is when I first found your blog. And for someone who has 4 angel babies and no living children, it was the right time to find your words.

    This post hit home today. I have 2 different pregnancy journals that have many empty pages. Thank you for always helping me see the Lord in my life and letting me see that it is okay to hurt and cry.

    I think about you often, and pray that each sting hurts a little less, day by day. We will never forget, but I pray that we will all continue to grow from losing our babies.

  • Stef

    Angie,
    I love your posts because they are real They’re from the bottom of your heart and pouring out your true emotion. Nothing about this website is fake, nothing is pretentious, you don’t over glorify anything (but God of course!) and by reading these real, heart felt blog, I feel like we’re long lost friends, that just haven’t met face to face. :)

    I’m 5 1/2 months pregnant with my 3rd (2nd girl) and every time I read your posts, I feel her strong kicks and then I touch my belly (where she kicked) and I give thanks to God for her. I suddenly (maybe even for the first time) realize just exactly how much of a miracle all of God’s creation is. I suddenly am awe struck at His creation of a human life. I’m suddenly struck by the fact that I so often view my kids in the wrong way – as little trophies on my shelf, to brag about, show cute pictures of, etc… all that is fine, but reading your blog reminds me of the little joys they are – no matter what they bring into this life. If my son loses his eye sight tomorrow or my daughter suddenly cannot walk or function properly, they are still amazing creations in God’s eyes and I think He would use them in my life more than I could imagine!

    All this to say (I’m long winded too) is that your blog has been a huge blessing to me.
    I love you in Jesus,
    Stefanie

  • Lori

    In a way I can’t explain my heart understands your heart. I ask myself how can I miss something I’ve never had. Two years of trying to get pregnant and I mourn every time I hear the news of another pregnancy. Why not me and why me??? All the unused scrapbook embellishments, the crib waiting to be put together for more than two years in a back closet. Waiting for someone to sleep in the crib while I take a pic and sneak off to capture that moment that just won’t happen…..

  • the dirt road

    Right now, as I read your post, I kept thinking of this song. It may not mean a thing to you, but I just can’t get it out of my head tonight. Michael Gungor, and Lisa Gungor sing it. Either version is really good. If you have not heard it, it’s on my playlist.

    Wrap Me In Your Arms

    There is a God
    Who loves me
    Who wraps me in His arms
    And that is the place
    Where I’m changed
    And that’s where I belong

    Take me to that place Lord
    To that secret place where
    I can be with You
    You can make me like You
    Wrap me in your arms
    Wrap me in your arms
    Wrap me in your arms

    I just pray tonight that as you lay down to go to sleep, that you will just FEEL Jesus wrapping you and your husband in His big, gentle and safe arms. I pray that He embraces your heart tonight. I pray that His embrace is just so evident that you can just FEEL it. That you can feel Him near, like never before. My heart just goes out to you guys and the other bloggers that I find through your comments that are going through the same thing. Which brings me to my last quote…

    “Some of the most comforting words in the universe are ‘me too.’
    That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else’s struggle,
    that you’re not alone,
    and that others have been down the same road.” -Rob Bell- Velvet Elvis

    I pray that you continue to find people who connect with what you are going through. People who have gone through it, are going through it, and may go through it. What an amazing blessing that has come out of this. Your story is effecting so many others, and encouraging others to share their stories…I pray that the Lord continues to bless you guys. I really do pray for you guys, even though I don’t know that much about you.

  • Sara

    Sometimes leaving a comment just feels so inadequate because I haven’t lost a child and I’m not sure how to comfort you other than to tell you that you are loved and prayed for.

    If it’s not too presumptuous I’m going to paste onto here a recent entry I made in my blog that may just give you a different way to look at your situation or something to think about. And if it doesn’t help at all or apply to you, feel free to discard it and just know of my prayers for you:

    “Janella is my godmother and has been a great influence in my life throughout the years. She is married now, but was previously a presentation sister and when I first came to college she was employed at St. Stephen’s, the Catholic student center at UNI. It was so nice, my freshman year of college, to have that familiar face a short walk away whenever I needed a little piece of home. At the start of my sophomore year she left St. Stephen’s, and the country, to do missionary work in Bolivia.

    When she left I was still healthy and active, and I felt somewhat unstoppable. It was during the second semester of my junior year that my physical problems began, and it was at that time I received a letter she sent from Bolivia. I hadn’t been struggling long and wasn’t yet facing the bigger hurdles that were to come. But in that letter she wrote a very simple sentence that would serve me well in the coming years. She told me she had learned in her life that the question “why” never led to answers. She tried to ask herself “what” and “how” – and the answers to those questions usually led her in the right direction.

    That was it… she didn’t explain it or go into detail, but it stuck with me. And it’s something I have followed myself. I don’t find the “whys” of my life to be helpful. I don’t know why I am sick and in pain, and I don’t think I ever will. Nor do I need to. I guess I like to think that somehow, when I was a spirit in heaven, God showed me my life and all that it would entail. I imagine looking at the good, the bad and how both affected the people around me. I like to think that I saw all this and said yes. Yes, I will take all of the bad with all of the good and serve a purpose.

    Maybe it’s a far-fetched notion, but can you imagine if that is how it works? If I said “yes” to this life, then the question of why things happen is irrelevant. If I said “yes” to this, it was because God saw a purpose in my life and how it would unfold in a greater plan. What more of a reason do I need for living than that?

    Don’t get me wrong. When the difficult stuff happens I get sad and discouraged and frustrated – I just don’t sit in it for long because I don’t want to miss what’s in store for me next. My only real fear in life is that I have a purpose to fulfill, and if I’m not paying attention or I’m busy wallowing I’ll miss it. That’s where the “what” and “how” questions come into play. What needs to be done? And how can I contribute? For the record, I don’t achieve this perfectly every day. It’s a goal that I pay attention to. The more I pay attention, the more I notice around me and the easier it becomes to pay attention again the next day.

    So, if you wonder what gets me through the day, that’s it. Believing that the difficult things are just as important to my purpose as the easy things, and how I choose to deal with both affects more than just myself. Believing that I was put here for a purpose, even if I never know exactly what it is or why it happens. Trusting completely that I am living to fulfill even what I don’t understand. That doesn’t just get me through the day… it makes me treasure every moment of my life.”

  • Julie

    Praying for you tonight, sitting here in CA while you sleep praying for you. I am so thankful that God is using this blog to miniser and heal.

    Jeremiah 29:11

  • Liz

    Angie,
    You & I are kindred spirits, but our circumstances are different. Every time I read your blog entries, I want to hug you because I feel like we’ve been friends forever, even though we’ve never layed eyes on each other. Even the pictures of your husband feel “familiar” like I’ve met him somewhere along the way. Who knows? Maybe we did cross paths years ago. (are either of you from east Texas, maybe?) Anyway, I love your honesty and your transparency. I love who you are and how you communicate that. Your entries have had me in tears or giggling alongside you, praying for your strength & peace, comfort & joy. And most recently, they’ve reminded me of this song by Nichole Nordeman (man, I love her!): http://youtube.com/watch?v=ecB4i1XcqN8 God & Baby Audrey have certainly made you BRAVE!

  • Celeste Radik

    Angie,
    Thank you for giving me the strength to pick myself up off the ground. You amaze me.

  • Anonymous

    My Dear Friend Angie,

    It’s about 1AM, & I thought I would just check one more time today to see if you had changed your mind since the earlier post. I think I feel better when I see you are writing because that is healthy healing & it’s like reaching out & touching you. Dear One, there are bound to be those hard, hard days….but just remember God will turn around & bless you so richly the next day & it makes you praise HIM for the good ones. HE knows you are hurting & HE’s there, HE really is.

    The notebook brought chills to the spine. There is no doubt in my mind that Audrey Caroline was going to be a beautiful little red-headed girl just like her three precious big sisters. She would no doubt have had one of their giggles and one of their seriousness-nesses & maybe even a little of Kate’s ability to talk. But, Angie she would have been loved no matter the color of her hair, her giggle or her little attitude. She would have been loving & caring just like her Mommy. She would have loved Jesus just like her big sisters. I know that those words do not satisfy your desire to hold Audrey, love her & watch her grow. I wish I knew the perfect words to ease your pain but unfortunately I don’t. But Angie, I do care.

    I’ve always loved children & especially babies. Since I started reading your blog I’ve thought about those Mommy’s who don’t get to physically see their children grow up. It breaks my heart to read the blog after blog after blog of Mommy’s with empty arms. I don’t understand & I won’t pretend that I do. I just know that someday we’ll have the answers. HE IS ENOUGH to get us through the roughest of the rough.

    Angie last night was a healing night for you. I only wish someone would have been there to help you through that hard time. But, during those lonely times, HE is there for you.

    There may be blank pages in the notebook, Angie but there is a beautiful story there. A beautiful story about a perfect little baby Audrey Caroline that has drawn thousands of people to our Lord. A story that has REAL people as the characters and REAL love is felt by those people. No writer could write a more beautiful story about love, giving, sharing & caring that the true story of Audrey Caroline.

    My prayer for you tonight is that God would give you a peaceful, needed rest…that HE will open your eyes in the morning & you will have a wonderful day with your three beautiful little girls….

    Love & Prayers….
    Rose in Nashville

  • mandy_moo

    Wow… I just heard about your blog a few hours ago, and I read it start to finish. It was like a good (but heart-wrenching) book that I couldn’t put down. I thought of so many things I wanted to say to you as I read each entry but it’s late so perhaps I will wait and e-mail you soon. I will be praying for you tonight as I lay down in bed with my two dogs. :)

  • Kay

    Thank you for telling your story. I know what you mean about stumbling across something that triggers grief again and again. We lost our son six years ago to cancer. He was four. There was so much undone in his life. Sometimes during weekly worship we sing the songs we sang at his memorial. Sometimes I make it through the songs, other times not. (Great is Thy Faithfulness and You Are My All in All). But each time, whether singing, crying or having that silent feeling inside because no one around me but my husband knows we’re singing one of ‘those songs’ since we go to a different church now, I still worship God and hear the words and know they’re true….then and now. There is so much more I could say, but I can say grief does ‘get better’… don’t know how to say that… but the sharpness subsides…it doesn’t go away, but it begins to just be a part of who I am rather than a knife in my heart, if that makes sense. Our son is a part of us, even though we’re a family of three now, instead of four. And your Audrey will always be a part of you too, and its a good thing.

    I love the passion for the Father that shows through in everything you write. I’m glad you can work through things in this way. I was too umm ‘private’ for lack of a better word, when our son was sick, to post for all to see. (But we did send bulk emails etc.) I’ve just begun to blog to put down some of those experiences… and whatever else is going on.

    Sorry if I’ve rambled. Its 3am and the kitty woke me up. I’m glad she did. SMILE! Love your new look. Tooooo sweet.

  • Alfian

    Dear Angie,

    I stumbled upon your blog a couple of days ago.

    My heart goes out to you and your family over the loss of Audrey.

    It’s heartening to know you’re trying your best to be strong and heal yourself.

    Just remember,
    Not every trying time that befalls us is a punishment. Sometimes (and I believe in this case you too are aware) it may be a blessing in disguise.

    So, praise the Lord for His Mercy(and continue to do so as you’ve been doing all this while)

    “…God burdens not a person beyond his scope…”

    “So verily, with every hardship, there is relief. Indeed, with every hardship, there is relief…”

    With sympathy and admiration,
    Alfian (Singapore)

  • Jen

    Most precious Angie… The day we meet can’t come fast enough in my mind.

    It’s red nose day (http://www.rednoseday.com.au/) soon over here in my corner, and when I purchased my item yesterday, I bought it in honour of Luke.

    I had a big cry at God yesterday. My heart had had enough. “Enough God!” I cried. “Enough babies have died!” It all seems so senseless (even though I know it isn’t) So I yelled at Him while I washed my dishes, and argued that yes, I know Your Son died too… but at least He lived for 33 years… *sigh* I don’t think much came from our conversation, mainly because I did most of the talking and didn’t want to listen.

    What do we do with the ‘survivors guilt’? Why do our children live? I’ve been singing Bethany Dillon’s ‘The Kingdom’ the last few days. It’s all I can ask Him to do in this world, with all it’s horrible situations.. “Yahweh; Show me The Kingdom”.

  • Michelle Ferguson

    Angie,

    I just discovered your blog yesterday and was immediately taken in by your writing style, your honesty, and this season the Lord has allowed you to walk through.

    I met Nicol years ago when she was a leader at a camp that Lisa Bevill put on in KY. My heart broke when I heard both of her loss and of yours. Know that I am praying for you and your sweet family. Nicol has played a huge part in my life and you very much allow your heart to be known through your words. I will be partnering with both of your families during this time. Thank you for being brave enough to share so deeply.

  • Bridget =)

    Just when I feel joy and comfort that small healings are starting to come to you, to your blog family (’cause that’s what we are, your blog family!), I read with a heavy heart about your set backs. which aren’t really set backs, but huge leaps forward into your Love of Christ. I have goosebumps and tears, a lump in my throat, and I thank the Lord for you, that you have the courage to share this amazing gift, the gift of your baby, and of the understanding (and learning) of the deep love of our Lord.

    Have a happy Friday Angie. and thank you again.

    XXOXOOXOXO

  • Karen

    girl, I am praying for you this day. My heart just aches for you.

  • Susan

    Sweet, sweet Angie.

    I come here searching for…something. I never know what. I only know that I must come. And seek. And I always find.

    Thank you.

  • Anonymous

    Hey Angie, I just wanted to let you know that I’m praying for you this morning. I have tears running down my face as I type. I am so grateful that you continue to allow us to be a small part of your journey. You are such an incredible mama and an inspiration and role model for us all. Much love and hugs, Ashley E.

  • Bri

    Angie,
    I too have a book that was started, but has so many blank pages. I lost a child to miscarriage – a child that we prayed for, wanted so badly for years. I know exactly how you are feeling. I look at my last journal entry and think, “you didn’t know what was coming”. What a beautiful post – you put your feelings into words so eloquently. Thank you for sharing your pain and your hope with all of us. You have truly blessed my life. You speak words that I have thought myself.

    Have you listened to “Held” by Natalie Grant? This song has helped me SO much to remember that God gets us through. It isn’t fair… but we can held by our Loving Father. “The promise was when everything fell, we’d be held.”

    PS: On a lighter note… I’ve wanted a Coach purse for SO long. I only wish I could’ve afforded yours!

  • Kristin S

    Dear Angie
    Once again your words touch me and obviously so many others. You are helping us walk through life, through whatever it might be we have as hardships, with our eyes on the prize. Thank you for rekindling a love and passion for a Savior that is with us at all times. Thank you for letting us deal with our own hurts as we see such an amazing example of how you hurt but still press on. Thank you for not trying to sugar-coat the truth – for being real, for sharing that it is ok to be sad or angry as long as we don’t stay there long. Once again, as always, I am so very grateful for you.
    Hugs from South Dakota
    Kristin

  • tracie

    hello angie … i’ve been a silent supporter and prayer warior for the last few months and have found MUCH inspiration in your words, faith and strength.

    for some reason, i don’t usually comment on blogs, but last night as i read another blog i am inspired by {photog & loss of a child}, i thought of you and struggled with sending you her story.

    when i woke up this morning to your entry, i believe God said “yes, send it to her!” so sending i am. her name is sheye rosemeyer and she lives in australia. http://sheyerosemeyer.blogspot.com/

    i feel she needs a word from God and i am going to bravely send her your blog address as well.

    i do so look forward to your posts and inspiration. in some odd way, they’re like my own little devotion period.

    i’m starting to cry as i write this … i am so touched by your loss, but so inspired by the way God continues to use you, Audrey and baby Luke.

    God’s blessings to all of you and I look SO forward to rejoicing one day in heaven!

  • Kelly

    I’m glad you can smile some – but I know you are sad too. And that’s why I will keep praying for you as long as God brings you to my mind. Which I’m figuring will be a long, long time.
    Thinking of you this morning.

  • Holly Addis

    I had the opportunity to read through your entire journal in the last week or so. I stumbled upon it through the passing of Luke. You may not know it or understand it but your journal is such a huge blessing. I have prayed for you and your family and many others who have lost children as you weigh heavy on my heart. I pray for strength, peace and joy in the days ahead.

    Blessings to you and yours,
    Holly

  • Misty

    I come here each day eager to see a post from you, today at 6:30 in the morning I came here before I leave for Women of Fatih, I wanted to know that you were ok today. I think of you so often, and you are a complete stranger but my heart breaks for you, my eyes fill with tears as I hear your pain, as I witness your faith, as I see your love for you children and husband. You are a beautiful person inside and out.

  • Darlene R.

    Thinking of you today and sending so much love.

    Darlene

  • Salzwedel Family

    Thinking of your family & praying for you…

  • Amy L (juniper2250@yahoo.com)

    Angie;

    In your post you write “He is using you all to teach me about myself, and even about the way I love my daughter. She has inspired me to do something I never would have done before because of my own fear, and the beauty is that I have been so blessed in return.”…………

    Please know that the Lord is using you in many ways at this time that you do not even realize. I believe he is using you at this time to reach me, and others like me, who doubt, who are looking for the faith you carry, and I believe he is reaching out to others thru you, to touch those of us who need to figure things out spiritually at this time. I cannot tell you how many times I have come onto your blog, to read your post and what you write, hits me so deeply, and has me weeping not only because of your story, but also because it answers questions I have myself, or just also gives me hope when I need it most in regard to faith. I am on a journey at this time, to figure out who I am, who God is, and how he fits into my life and I truly believe you and your story have come into my life in order for him to call to me. I think we each have our own journey that your story helps us with and I think you are bringing many thousands of people together for all the right reasons, during such an emotional and heart wrenching time in your life. Everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, and in all of this, know that he is using you to do such good, in so many ways that you may not even realize. Keep posting – keep talking – keep feeling and keep knowing that we are all here, reading, weeping, laughing and loving you, a complete stranger to most of us. You are uniting so many – this is your purpose at this time – embrace it and feel proud to be able to be the center of something so powerful in the midst of such sorrow.

  • Stephanie

    Angie, my heart aches for you. I wish that I could offer the perfect words to comfort you but every time I try to type them, they’re not enough. All I can say is that your sweet Audrey, your story has made a difference in my life. Your courage to share and to welcome the rain has inspired me to seek Jesus in a way that I never have before. My sisters and friends follow your blog and we ache for you and pray for you as if we’ve known you for years. In her 2 and a half hours here your Audrey changed my life. I pray that in my lifetime I can impact someone a fraction of the amount that she has me. I pray that God will hold you close and heal you in a way that can only come from the Ultimate Physician.

  • Jennifer

    Angie~

    Reading your blog is like having a devotional. And while there is SO much that is different about our stories, the loss is what ties us together. I have no living children. In fact, I’ve not even been able to carry a pregnancy past 7 weeks so far. But while our stories are different, our God is the same loving, almighty God, and He has brought your blog to me to uplift me. I just wanted you to know that I have been SO very uplifted. Thank you =)

    Jennifer

  • Tabitha

    Dearest Angie ~ what a totally beautiful yet heartbreaking post. I have followed you for a while now and am still so sad that Audrey could not stay with you just a bit longer (but then again ~ forever is sometimes not even long enough).
    My prayers and my heart are with you today. Thank you for sharing your wonderful words and for opening your heart to us so freely. I for one am so glad that you do.
    love, hugs and prayers,
    Tabitha XXX

  • Abbey

    Dear Angie-I can see your alter rising up! How beautiful.

    ps. Ruth was wonderful:) thank you

  • Mandy

    First of all, Your blog is beautiful! So beautiful. Angie, I just truly hope you know how you are teaching God’s love to all of us. Would I have the faith and reverance you do if I were to lose of my children? I don’t know. You inspire. May you fill that notiebook with many new memories.

  • Hollie

    As always, thank you for being so open and honest!! I know I have said this before, but I’ll say it again…God is using YOU and your family in such BIG ways!

    And I love that the broken pitcher (well, used to be broken!!) is on your sidebar…WOW, that’s awesome!!

  • Kari

    I don’t know if you got my message about my daughter, Laci, but all you feel is normal my friend. You have joined a unique club that we never imagined being a member of. The membership dues are costly, it’s the tears we shed for our children. There are no secret handshakes or oaths to take, but a longing that we share to hold those babies again. We are greater mothers because of this but oh how we long to not have ever been a member.

  • Cindy

    Angie,
    Audrey Caroline has done more with her little few hours on earth than most of us do in an entire lifetime. She, through you, have touched so many people. I am in awe and ashamed at the same time. So often we sit and ask God: What am I here for, what do you want me to do, what is my purpose? We waste so much time wondering and asking instead of just living.
    You are ‘living’ through the pain.
    I am guilty!!
    I don’t know if you have read the letter I sent but I will say that the ‘tears’ are starting to come.
    There are absolutely NO words to express my heart to you or to help you understand what this blog has done in my life.
    I can only say thank you again and pray that God takes a part of my heart and shares it with you.
    Be blessed today.
    Cindy ~ Phoenix

  • Susan

    Hi Angie,

    I’m so blessed you feel all the love that is pouring out toward you now. This is arms of Christ comforting you now.

    You give us all HOPE.

    Have you read the book “Holding on to Hope?” It’s incredible. It is a story of a mom who lost a little girl name “Hope”. She like you, found out during her pregnancy the baby had genetic issues.

    She went on to write a devotional as well. “One Year Of Hope”. She lost 2 children to his disease.

    Her book like your journal entries are real, passionate, and point everyone to JESUS.

    She has this scripture on her website:

    “It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.”
    Ephesians 1:11 The Message

    Here is a link to her site:

    http://nancyguthrie.com/

    Be blessed today my friend, and I pray you continue to feel all the love and prayers that are coming your way♥

  • surfmomma4

    Dear Angie, that was beautiful post, and I don;t have to tell you that Our Sweet Lord will fill all the pages for you. I was wondering how Todd, and the girls are doing. Would love to send hugs to you and them..many blessings
    Susan

  • Mary

    Hi Angie,
    Unfortunately, you and I are part of the same club. You know the one – nobody wants a ticket in and once you’re in you can never get out. My husband, David, and I have also lost a child. All of our kids are adopted (we’re infertile) and our first two were domestic newborn adoptions. First a girl (who’ll be 10 on Monday!) and three years later a sweet baby boy, Payton David. (A miracle really, as his birthmom decided to try parenting and we thought he wasn’t the baby God had chosen for our family.) We were the perfect American family.
    We moved to W. Michigan on April 8, 2005 and just four days later our dear Payton pushed the TV so hard that it fell on him and killed him instantly. He was 3 years, 5 months, and 6 days old. What a horrible transition to life here in Michigan. Since then David and I have gone on to adopt two more children, (our kids are black and it didn’t seem fair to our oldest that she be the only minority in our family.) this time an international adoption. Our newest additions (4 1/2 yo girl and 3 1/2 yo boy) came home six months ago. Believe me, I knew the exact day that my youngest two kids became older than Payton. In some ways it was a relief, especially for our youngest, also a boy, to pass that milestone.

    Like a previous poster, I can attest to the fact that the grief becomes easier to bear and isn’t so sharp anymore. But, I think about Payton each and every day and spend a fair amount of time wondering. How tall he would be now? Would he would like soccer or baseball better? The grief kind of settles in your heart and is just always THERE. Does that make sense? It’s been three years, two months and two days since Payton died. I hate that I know that.

    I’m praying for you today, dear Angie and thank God that He has called you to faith in Him. That’s where you’ll find the most comfort in those times of heavy (and not so heavy) grieving. I praise Him even though I don’t understand and I’m praying the same for you today…
    In Him,
    Mary Franks
    mjfranks91@yahoo.com
    http://www.xanga.com/huck_muleeva

  • Leah

    Angie,

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while but don’t think I’ve ever commented. Firstly, I cannot tell you enough what an inspiration you have been. I’ve grieved with you in this process, even though I’ve never been in your shoes.

    I wanted to comment on how writing can be so healing. While I have not experienced the loss of a child, I did place a child in an open adoption when I was 16. So while I still get to see her smiling face and watch her grow, I lost my role as a mother and I still miss having her around! I too have a journal with blank pages and I just wanted to encourage you to fill those pages with letters to Audrey. That is what I do for my daughter, on days I miss her terribly or just want her to know I love her, I write to her. She may read them one day, she may not. But it helps me to express those thoughts and direct them to her in a way. It may be healing for you, too, and I know she will know what you write because I know she’s always with you in spirit :-)

    May God continue to work through you, Angie. Thanks for being you.

    -Leah in NC
    http://omommawrites.com

  • georgia tarheel

    Precious Angie-

    I am praying for you all the time. I wake up sometimes at night with you and Nicol on my heart. I cannot imagine the pain or the heartache, but I do pray that those of us here can help lift some of the weight you are feeling.

    Your words are used in so many different ways to the people who read your blog. For some it is comfort because they can relate. For some it is hope because they aren’t quite there yet. For some it is the tool God is using to bring them back to Him. Regardless of why they are here, you are being used for His glory.
    Audrey Caroline is being used for His glory! I know it doesn’t ease the pain of losing her, but wow! What a testimony for a little girl whose heart beat on earth for only 2.5 hours, but whose life has become the heartbeat of healing website!
    I won’t quit praying and I hope that God continues to fill your keyboard with His words. You are one in a million, Angie.

    Paige

  • Lori

    Hi Angie,
    I was reading in Isaiah this morning, and the Lord brought you to my mind as I read this passage:
    Isaiah 61:8-9 I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be recognized and honored among the nations. Everyone will realize that they are a people the Lord has blessed.
    I hope God’s words will bring you peace today.
    Lori

  • Destini

    Dear Angie,
    I wish there was more that I could do personally to carry your burdens, to make you hurt just a little bit less, I am so thankful that you know how mighty our God is, that you allow him to shoulder that burden. In addition to that, you are trusting him enough to direct your path. You know that he has plans to prosper you and your family. He also promises restoration for his badly damaged body of believers.
    Please know that your words are an inspiration to me. Each entry challenges my faith, causing me to examine my own relationship with the Lord. Could I still have a testimony such as yours after experiencing what your family went through? I thank you for being so personal and most of all for praising our Lord through your writing. Our ultimate goal is to glorify God in all our thoughts and actions. I thank you for doing that in the midst of all that your are experiencing. I pray for you that you would continue to heal and grow in the Lord. May God bless your diligence.

  • Elleoz

    I found your blog through another and have to tell you that I find myself visiting almost daily. And I sit and cry along with you. You are truly an inspiration for your courage and faith. After I read every single page I experienced something that I have never felt before. I can feel God pulling me and trying to guide me in the right direction.

    I have grown up in church, but have never been a dedicated Christian. I have never read the Bible and can’t recite any scripture other than John 3:16. But your story has put a fire in my to know Him. I want to feel the love that you do and know that He has a purpose for me.

    I can’t even imagine the pain that you are experiencing at this moment. But Audrey was sent to you for a reason and you were sent to us for a reason. I hope that you continue to find inspiration and comfort in the days ahead. Thank you so much for sharing your story with the world. You help more people than I think you will ever realize.

  • Laura

    Dear Angie,
    I have never lost a child or ever had one for that matter but I just want you to first to know that I think of you and your family daily and the hardships but more than that I think about all of God’s blessings that no matter the struggles and hardships our God never changes. What I find to be so awesome and wonderful is that you have penned down your journey and it is so inspiring. I pray today that God would give you peace and strength. Have a wonderful day.

  • Anonymous

    Angie-
    Thank you for continuing to write. You have no ides that you are the one who encourages me! Everyday! We were told a year ago that my unborn daughter had a zero percent chance of being born alive. We were told to go home and wait for her to stop moving and then to come in to have her be delivered stillborn. We were also given the option to go on to the hospital and be induced to “get it over with”. We told them it would be in God’s time, not ours. She never stopped moving. She is nine months old now. She is still a very sick baby but we are thankful for everyday we have with her as I know you were thankful for every moment you had with Audrey. I just pray for more days just as I know that although you are thankful for the hours you had with her, you wished there were more. Thank you so much for coming here to write and be so “naked” and exposed. You are amazing. I think of Audrey often.
    Love,
    Jill Johnson
    Knoxville, TN
    http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/huttonjohnson

  • Monica

    I have to quit reading your blog at work…I end up crying and my coworkers probably think I’m crazy.

    I know you hear this often, but God is using you in so many different ways. And you probably won’t know the extent of it until we stand before Him. You remind us of what true faith is…in the midst of this storm you show it’s okay to hurt, be angry, disappointed..you are real…but your faith remains…you really are amazing and I am so glad you are willing to share your story.

  • Honea Household

    I love your new layout! It’s beautiful! Danielle is very talented! :)

    Your writing is beautiful. Know that I pray for you daily. I pray for you every time I think of you. I consider you a good friend that I look forward to meeting one day!

  • Lallee

    Angie, I discovered your blog last week at a time when I had to sit at the computer for several hours doing some printing. It gave me time to start at the beginning and read the story of Audrey all the way through. Your voice for her is beautiful. God has written her on my heart and you will remain in my prayers.

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for your deep honest emotions and pain, grieving with you and for you. But praying moreso for HIS healing grace and power to be over you.
    Continuing to pray!
    Blessings,
    Laurette from Ohio

    alschimpf@earthlink.net

  • Jaime

    You believe. You trust. You speak truth to your own breaking heart and ours. You hurt … desperately hurt. You KNOW that He will be enough. You KNOW that He is healing you and restoring you to a beauty that surpasses the beauty you have already known and revealed to us, your readers … and friends. We are praying for you.

  • karen44

    I thought about you, Nicol, Sara (Elliot’s mom) — and all the other mom’s who’ve lost an infant — yesterday after I heard about the four boy scouts who were killed in an Iowa tornado.

    The moms of those older boys had more time with their sons, to set up their nursery, and see them sleep in their first “big-boy bed.” They had a chance to spend Christmas’ buying gifts and seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter. All those things that moms of infants haven’t had the privilege of experiencing.

    They may have more photos, drawings and memories to hold in their hands, but their pain is just as deep as yours. Like, you, they mourn the moments that might have been, that never will be.

    The only way to preserve our sanity in this fallen world is to look to God, and praise Him that He sacrificed His own son so that we could one day be with Him in heaven.

    Thank you for being so transparent with us. Thank you for sharing your smiles and sadness. I’ve often been amazed at how you can put together even one sentence, much less an entire blog. Most of the time I don’t have the energy to look too closely at my own life’s hurts. I distract myself with TV, Christian music, chocolate — anything so that I don’t have to think too much.

    I think that’s the wrong thing to do. You’ve proven that looking closely and deeply at life’s trials is painful. But it’s also incredibly healing.

    Thank you for being an amazing example of how to “do life” in the midst of trials. God is using you to show others how to find their way when they’d rather hide in the dark.

    Blessings,
    -karen l.

  • Amy

    Matt. 5
    1Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying:
    3″Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
    4Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
    5Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
    6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
    7Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
    8Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.

    Angie,
    I want you to know that I have been following your blog for a while now and there has not been one post where I have not cried along with you. I can’t pretend to know what you are truly experiencing, but I do pray for you. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing Audrey’s story and what God is showing you. I am forever changed for it.

    Love your Sister in Him,
    Amy

  • Laurie

    Angie,

    I want all of the babies who have left too soon to be returned to their mommies. I can say this because God knows my heart. I too know that this is not possible, but somehow saying it out loud from my heart helps because it is true. It is you that teaches me how to go to the Lord with everything that is on my heart. It is you and these other mommies that are teaching me how to let go and what it looks like. I am sure I will face it in my lifetime as I am 60 now, a young 60 at that:) I have run from the fear of heartbreak all of my life. God is teaching me through all of you how to stay, how to pray, how to encourage, how to keep hope in the struggles of life and not give up. All of you encourage me. I pray for you and Nicol and all of the other empty arms longing for what was taken, and I ask the Lord to strengthen and encourage you. I carry the burden of you all in my heart. I love you, my friend.

    Laurie in Ca.

  • Andrea

    Wow! I just got caught up on your blog. I haven’t read it in a week or so. But I have to say that anonymous gal is just way off. I am Amy’s sister in-law so I have met your husband & although I have not met you personally I know through your blog & the way your family talks about you, that you are such an exceptional person. You have inspired me in so many ways. You have such faith & grace in obviously everything that you do. We continue to pray for you & Nicol now as well.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    Know that we are here to encourage and pray for you all. Thank you for writing especially when it is hard.
    We “stranger-friends” love you!

    Sue

  • Anonymous

    Angie, I can’t begin to express how much your blog means to me! I check it everyday and am always disappointed if there’s not a new post because I so desperately need to know how you are doing. I am praying for you and know that our Lord will sustain you and your precious family. Thank you for allowing me, a perfect stranger (altho a sister in Christ) to be a part of your life! Your words encourage me! Love, Jan Robbins

  • Anonymous

    Through the past few weeks, I have cried with you and laughed with you. I so appreciate your honesty and your words have many times found me just where I am. I continue to pray for your’s and Nicol’s family. Thanks for inspiring so many of us to be better!

  • Lynne Piper

    Dear Angie;

    Thank you for letting us into your beautiful heart. Your words are so poignant for all of life’s profound disappointments.

    I think it was yesterday that you said something like, “I’m even tired of myself”. I just want you to know that we are not tired of you. Not even close. Yes, perhaps we have never met, but we will never tire of someone who is willing to openly discuss and work through the hardships of trusting God when we feel He has disappointed. He is not surprised by our feelings, I just know He wants them shared!

    I will pray for you today, dear one.

    Many Blessings,

    Lynne Piper
    Houston, Texas

  • Kathryn

    I am new to your blog. I have read your backstory and quite a few of your posts. You are just so blessed. And your children are blessed. And your children’s children will be blessed. You are an amazing woman. And I thank you for sharing your journey.
    My prayers continue to go with you and your family.

  • Sarah

    I thought I came across your blog by accident, but now I know that it is God working in my life! My husband and I recently suffered a miscarriage and I only know too well the delight you feel when you discover you are pregnant and to then lose that little miracle. I have cried countless tears over the things that could have been,prepared for loss all the while hoping and praying that it would somehow work out so that my baby would live.

    Angie, your strength is amazing, and your words have come into my life at just the right time. Thank you for showing me what it is to be strong. I pray that God will continue to hold your hand in life and bless your family.

    Sarah

  • godzgaljen

    Angie-
    I will sit and pray for you. I’ve sat and cried for you and Todd…Nicol and Greg. I am thankful God has given you grace. I put myself in your shoes and I weap. Someone reminded me recently that “God’s grace is not in our imaginiation.” I know that when I am putting myself in your shoes that I cannot feel the grace of God and how it holds you up. I’m so thankful it is there and always present for you. I pray tha notebook fills up…ful of wonderful God honoring thoughts. Oh how Audrey has changed your life..made your stronger and closer to God. I wish i could hug you today!!!

  • Simply Kelli

    Ah, how I can’t wait to meet you!
    You are such an inspiration and role model to me! Audrey’s Story is such a blessing and she will ALWAYS live on! I love you and thank you for allowing us to be apart of your life!
    Be blessed. Be happy. Believe.

    oh, and keep writing. :)

  • Jenn

    I have loved reading your blog..I’m about half way through…as hard as it is. I love your realness and honesty. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your sould…it has God written all over it. It encourages me ever day to trust God more even when it hurts and to hold my daughter a little longer but also a little looser as you have reminder me that she isn’t really “mine” is she? She is entrusted to me for safekeeping but really she belongs to God. As a nurse I can only imagine the peoples lives you touched that day by setting such a huge value on life. I remember a resident being absolutely in awe of a mom who carried to term knowing that she would most likely only have hour. It made her view of the value of life change. I keep thinking of good old Horton “a person’s a person no matter how small” God Bless you so much for sharing this story!

  • Anonymous

    Angie, you are such an amazing woman of God. Every post you write, I become more in awe that you are able to use this all in God’s glory. I can only hope I can be the same way. You inspire me. You are real with it all yet I still get ministered with all that you write. Thank you so much!
    There is so much that I want to say and talk to you about but I know you have like million things to read, do and so on.
    I pray that God will comfort you and be with you today.
    ~Sarah

  • Kathleen in TX

    Angie,
    Yes, the pages will be filled in honor of Audrey and Luke. And they will be beautiful pages.

  • April

    Angie,
    I’ve followed your story for a couple of months now, and just want to thank you for being such a ministry to my heart.

    I have an eight-month-old daughter who I hold a little tighter every night since reading your story. It is sometimes too easy to become caught up in the hustle and bustle of motherhood and forget to treasure every day, even the hard ones. So thank you for reminding me to treasure my gift. We battled infertility to create her, and she is truly a gift from The Lord.

    I cannot imagine your pain, but I pray that The Lord sends you grace to carry it.

    Thank you again, and may Jesus so richly bless you for your service to Him.

  • connorcolesmom

    Angie,
    What a blessing you are to so many
    I have learned to cherish each moment with my 2 little boys even more since reading your blog.

    I think we often take for granted the “normalness” of life yet we are never guaranteed anything

    In the moments when I fear for my boys safety or the possibilty of tragedy striking I remember that they are not mine anyway – God has loaned them to me for however long

    I need to love every moment
    I had a friend say once that when God takes a person home it is because He misses them and needs to hug them more than we do…

    Praying for you
    Kim

  • Mocha with Linda

    I love reading your heart. And while I was one of the ones who commented that it was good to see your smile, I know that you still have many days now and ahead that a smile is the last thing you feel like doing.

    Thanks for sharing the ups and the downs with us. I can’t imagine that all of us have blessed you nearly as much as you have touched our lives.

    Please also give Nicol my continued love and prayer. She, too, continues to be on my heart often.

  • Mrs. MK

    the empty pages haunt our souls, the times that would have been ours…

    thank you

  • Celie

    Dear one,So glad to see a smile on your face,the twinkle in your eyes! As you walking through this journey remember God goes before you. Psa 27:14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. This was written on an index card in my son things . I know God sent it through him for this season/the rest of our life. It still this day sits in my kitchen window written by my Troy’s hand to greet me each new day. God is good through it all. It does get less painful we learn to live through the hurt. Not that it goes away we just gain the strength to strength to press forward. God is using you to touch many. I know the hurt some days is more than you think you can bearer but remember “I can do all things through Christ.” Isa 43:19 I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. 1Pe 5:7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. Cry those tears and know God is collects them in a bottle he gave tears for this season use them to God glory and you have. Loving you from a far, praying, praising. Love Celie

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    This is the first comment I’ve left on your page. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple months now, and you and your family have been such an inspiration to me! I have always claimed myself as a Christian, and by you telling your story, I feel I have a new outlook and am learning to let God have complete control over my life. I pray for you and your family every night. I just want to thank you for sharing your life with all of us.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    Just as everyone else I wanted to encourage you! My husband and I lost our son Samuel to Mulit-cysitc dysplastic kidneys in Jan. 2006…and I too as so many others have said understand this hurt. One thing that comforted me was the song “I’ll Praise you in This Storm” by Casting Crowns. I especially found comfort in the line that said “every tear I’ve cried you hold in your hands.” I found that very few friends and even family members truely understood my grief. Especially as the weeks and years began to pass and their lives were busy and moving forward. I was still hurting and grieving. I found comfort in knowing that Jesus knows each tear that falls and tenderly loves me. I also found comfort in a children’s book called “Mommy Please Don’t Cry” by Linda Deymaz. YOu can find it on Amazon. It is a beautiful story written from a child’s perspective about heaven to its mommy. This simple little story brought comfort and peace to me.

    One last thing…I was at church in SC on WEdnesday night and mentioned your family in a small prayer circle. In my prayer circle there was a couple who had been on the cruise with your family. They just shared what a blessing and strong witness you were then. God is using you and the message of Audrey in mighty ways.
    Julie
    julie-thegiordanos.blogspot.com

  • Gina

    That notebook maybe blank to you and to any of us that would look at, but it’s far from empty. Those “blank” pages are filled with the beauties and wonders of what Audrey is having the privelege to see,feel and touch. Those pages are full of names of the people who’s life this story has changed. Those pages may not have been written on but it is far from empty. I have been and will continue to pray for you and your family. My prayer is that you and Nicol,both are able to gain a greater understanding and know that even in the midst of a storm that The Lord always produces a rainbow!!!

  • Jeremey and Jessica

    Angie,
    Thank you for your words, you are truly an amazing woman. I pray that God continues to wrap His arms around you and give you peace when you need it the most. I continue to pray for all of your family and think of you often.
    Love and Prayers,
    Jessica

  • screamofcontinuousness

    So if we are all pitchers and God shines best through the broken places, how much MORE will God shine through the life of your daughter Audrey. The life that is one great blank notebook for God to have HIS way with.

    My heart breaks for you, but also it sings with joy for the unhindered hand of God in Audrey’s life.

  • Jennifer

    Angie,

    I had never read a blog before I read yours. I have been a fan of Selah for a while now and I found your blog through their website. I have been blessed by your words. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Jennifer

  • Jody

    I often imagine what it will be like to ‘flip to the end of my book’ and to see how God’s hand and His plan were far greater than anything I could have ever imagined living or writing myself. I am so glad that at times, His ways have directed and guided my feet where I never would have trod- even through the trials. In most of these instances, the blessings have been found and the mercies have been tender and great. But I would have missed them all if I had been calling the shots.
    Sometimes I cry out to God and I have been angry and depressed and miserable and inconsolable…but God has been bigger and stronger and able to hold me through those times. I thank Him for being my salvation- my reward.
    I look forward to seeing the chapters of your life unfold here too. As long as you continue to share, I will continue to be blessed to be a part of your journey too.
    I pray everyday.
    And now I will also add “notebooks” to the list of things that make me stop and think and pray for you when I see one.
    Much love and symapthies for your ongoing pain and sorrow. My heart resonates all too well. xoxo

  • Nicki

    Oh Angie…..my heart just sinks every time I read your words. They are so touching and so real!!!

    I LOVE your new blog look!!! It’s awesome!!!

    Hope you have a great day!!

  • Karla

    Another beautiful heartfelt longing and truthful glimpse into your heart. It helps to heal my own aching arms. My son died at 19 weeks gestation and we were never able to see him. Seeing your sweet Audrey, who you have so selflessly shared with me (and it feels very personal), gives me a glimpse into my William’s life. Although he was gone before he was born, and gone before I could see him, I can see him in the eyes of others. Seeing Audrey gives me the peace that I have been longing for. The peace I know William feels with his Savior brings joy to my solemn soul. I miss him terribly. I pray for peace to engulf your aching arms, heart and soul. Another mom cries the tears that are so so similar. But our God is the same one who comforts both of us. Much love…

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    I found your blog through another friend and check it often. Your strength and courage speak volumes to the kind of person you are. I am currently seven months pregnant with my second child and am high risk due to my first child being 8 weeks premature. Although I cannot specifically relate to losing a child, I did lose my only sibling 5 years ago at the age of 30. We all continue to grieve for him and miss him daily. I do know that losing a child at any age is devastating. I have seen a decline in my parent’s faith in God as I feel like they are angry. My dad is a preacher and he has also admitted that his love for God has dwindled since my brother’s death. I have searched for something that would help them and have decided to send them a link to your blog. Seeing your incredible love for God in a time of desperation and hopelessness should be an example to everyone. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your soul to those of us who need to be reminded of God’s unfailing love.

  • Lynette

    “I have been deprived of peace; have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, ‘My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord.’ I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet I call this to mind and therefore I have HOPE: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulnees, I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him’.”
    “But from there you will seek the LORD you God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in tribulation, and all these things come upon you in the latter days, you will return to the LORD your God and obey his voice. For the LORD you God is a merciful God. He will not leave you or destroy you or forget the covenant with your fathers that he swore to them.”
    “And the effect of righteousness will be peace, and the result of righteousness , quietness and trust forever.”
    “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

    Lamentations 3:17-25
    Deuteronomy 4:29-31
    Isaiah 32:17
    Romans 15:13

  • Anonymous

    I am not sure how I came to find your blog, but I love to believe that my angel baby Emma Grace lead me to it. I too have had to deal with questioning God and wonder why it was my daughter who had to leave too soon. Why did she leave before she had a chance to take her first breath? Thank you for the raw emotion that you don’t hold back on and for helping me to realize that God didn’t do this to me on purpose. I also found a notebook with lists written when life was “normal” and it knocked the wind out of me. Thank you, thank you , thank you. God bless.

    Krista

  • Anonymous

    Even with all that you have to hurt about and for, you thank us and say that you learn from us! I learn and grow and trust God more with each post and hunger for more of what you write. I don’ what it is, yes I do – it’s the holy spirit working through your fingertips to my eyes to prick my heart to pray for you by name daily and for me to be a better mommy. By the way, if I had unlimited money I would buy Coco and then I would give her back just so you would have a fun surpise. You would still have given it away with a pure heart, raised money and had a gift given to you. It would be an immeasurable teeny tiny thing to give you back. I wish I could do so so so much more. I know you don’t need or expect to have it back, just a nice gestire if I could.

  • Dena

    I can’t even read your posts my heart hurts so much for you – I just wanted to let you know you are hugged and prayed for!

  • Anonymous

    You said something that really touched my heart about asking God to let you shoulder some of the greif for another. Because of you I get it and today I hope you know that I asked the Lord to shoulder some of it for you. My tears today are for you and soemday it will be such a good lesson to pass on to my three girls. Wish so much I could do more for you!

  • Leanne

    For me, it’s the half empty baby book, with pages that will never be filled. It’s Janie’s little socks that will never be warm from her tiny feet, and her purple blanket that I slept with for about 2 years, every night, that will never smell like her again.

    Why does it still sometimes hurt so bad, even after 4 years?

    I want to know my Janie too…I had all that love for her and what to do with it?? It’s still there…oh, I go on, and I have a full, beautiful life, I still have joy, but that ache is still there….It’s because of that love with her name on it that just can’t be!

    I read your blog with mixed feelings, tears pouring down my cheeks, nodding, and even smiling and laughing too! You have helped me remember things….like the way Janie always had hiccups. The way her hands looked like her sister’s hands. I remember the way her birth was so peaceful….

    Haven’t you thought how those without the Lord deal with this kind of pain? I just couldn’t do it without the Lord. He’s been here every step of this path, these past four years. He’s been everything to me!

    I just had a picture come into my mind…it’s like when you plant a strawberry plant, and you wait, and you anticipate those sweet, succulent berries all season long….and one day, you go out in the garden and all of your plants have been destroyed. Your left with the longing of what could have been, with no fulfillment.

    Sorry this comment is so long this time, but I guess your spirit and heart invite me to linger and talk.

    I’m praying for you….sister.

    Leanne in Longview
    http://mysupplications.com

  • Under the Florida Sun

    Thank you for your honesty, being truthful and bearing it all out there.

    Your life is a testimony of God’s grace and mercy, but most of all His LOVE!!

  • Sun

    The tears spring to my eyes as I read your heart. I have learned SO much about myself in reading your words – I have also learned SO much about what it means to be in relationship – not following a set of rules from God. Thank you for that gift. Your words are beautiful, stirring and honor God. Sunshine

  • Allison

    I pray for you daily! Thank you for your faithfulness, and what your testimony has taught me!!! I love your new look–the blue is just perfect:)

  • Leanne

    I have been drawn to your site ever since I found it about a month ago through another blog. I sat and bawled my eyes out as I read through your story…what is it about rawness that cuts right through to our soul. I’ve wondered many times why your story has had such an impact on me, why I have felt your hurt to such a great degree. I know it is God that connects us all at this level. I have experienced a loss very different than yours(infidelity), and yet it’s amazing how your hurt/desperation/hunger for healing/and insight into God’s grace mirror my feelings now and during my season of raw grief. It all came rushing back, and this is what allows us to minister to each other….out of the grace that we have experienced God pouring into our lives, we will be able to pour out to others. You have allowed your loss and hurt a very public venue for which we all thank you. God is using you to minister to so many even at the worst of times…your posts are like the psalms to me. Raw emotion blended with God’s truth. What a great God we serve that we can do this…He actually welcomes it. We don’t have to put on our “Sunday face” with Him….thanks for not putting on your “Sunday face” with us either. This is so healthy. God bless you as He keeps you through this journey. P.S. I discovered Selah only a couple of years ago and I can’t tell you how I have enjoyed their duets album….I’ve already clearly announced that I want “Glory” sung at my funeral. What a wonderful ministry they have….thanks to them as well!! Exodus 33:18-20 “Moses said, Now show me your glory…I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion….” God’s goodness and His glory are inseparable…everything in our life, because of His goodness will be for His glory!! Our life will mean something!! Your journey is bringin glory to God…thank-you.

  • jenny67324

    angie. thank u. thank u for allowing me to witness ur pain. i pray nightly that i can bear some of ur pain, as well as ur families pain for u. i have always had a pretty good relationship with GOD but since i “found” your blog, u have greatly impacted our relationship. i want more! more of GOD, i want to give him more of me! and audrey has done that! she has a story and it will live on for much longer than u or i. that is such an amazing gift that u have given, not only to sweet audrey but to the rest of us who have lost our way with GOD! thank you so much!!! GOD BLESS you and ur family!!
    jenny <3

  • Amy

    I love the new look. It’s BEAUTIFUL!

  • Anonymous

    my heart aches for you right now.

    i lost the first love of my life when i was 18 & it was TEAR-MY-HEART-OUT-PAINFUL to look at photos of myself with him just the weekend before at a college date party. and to recall my last conversation the night before after he dropped me off. and to feel that feeling & recall the premonitions i had about there being SOMETHING WRONG the day of his accident.

    it makes me wonder… if our lives were a SCRIPT would we have wanted to fill the role? or would we have wanted to turn it down.

    i have NO IDEA how bad you’re hurting. but i know with my own “script”, i would’ve taken the role in a heartbeat. i’m glad i was the one to make those memories. i’m glad i was the one that gave him his last kiss & i was the last one to tell him i loved him.

    it breaks my heart to think of anyone else filling that role, or even WORSE – no one filling that role. i’m glad it was me. i got to make sure he was looked after & cared for up until those last hours here on earth.

    i know it’s hard to look at glimpses of your BEFORE. and to see empty pages. it feels as if salt’s being rubbed in a wound. but you’re right. the pages ARE NOT EMPTY.

    I HAVE AN IDEA FOR YOU… maybe turn your notebook upside down. :) similar to breaking the glass & gluing it back together… still use the notebook, just in a different way; symbolic of the new direction of your life’s path. the pages won’t be blank, just different. :)

    hugs & prayers…

    - Rachel in Kansas City

  • walkingbyfaith

    Angie the new look is beautiful! I love it! :)

    This post is so beautiful. The thing I love most about you is your willingness to share the deepest part of yourself with us. It reminds me that although we haven’t experienced the same things, we’re alot alike. Your faith and strength through these trials are so beautiful and they encourage me so much. Thank you so much Angie for being such a blessing to me. :)

  • Becca

    You are an absolutely amazing writer. Incredibly humble, loving, and inspiring. I feel lucky to be able to read your words. Thank you for sharing them.

  • happy gram

    in nov 07 my 8 months pregnant daughter was at her bible study feeling her little girl baby kick wildly. that night she handed out baby shower invitations to all her friends. 10 hours later she heard the doctor say “no heartbeat”. the next 6 months have been full of questions, agony, desperation, grace, joy and determination. God connects us through our sorrows and our joys. i am praying for you and your family, love, j

  • Anonymous

    Every time I read your blog and the comments posted I realize how many mommies never get to see or hold their babies. I too have lost a baby, and I think about my child every day. Thank you for your words. They are inspiring, and healing. God is using you though this, and we are being blessed.
    Thank you.

  • karamy3sons

    I love your new blog lay-out. The pictures of Audrey Caroline are beautiful. I am so glad that they are added. Know that I pray for you and your family daily. You are such an encouragement to us all. I love your honesty!

    In Christ,
    Kara Prov. 3:5-6. I Cor. 13

  • Melanie

    Dear Angie,

    When you speak of your empty pages, I also think of what God the Father might have felt when He watched his Son give his life on the cross.

    God knows your pain, and he has counted your tears. He too has lost a child, and like Him, you and your lost child will be together again someday.

    We love you and pray for you.

  • Bridget Joy

    I am so glad that you can talk about it, and share your experience because I think that there are a lot of people out there who need to hear that they are not alone in their confusion and suffering.
    In my heart, I know that I would think, “To heck with helping people and making a legacy, bring my baby back.”
    The word courage comes from the French word for “heart”. When you have courage, you are taking heart. Take heart in the fact that your struggle is temporary and not in vain.
    When you get to heaven, you will see Audrey, and know her, and your heart will say, “Of course, of course she’s like this.”
    It’s cold comfort to have a promise instead of a baby, I’m sure.
    Bridget
    http://petsaretalking.typepad.com

  • Jen

    Angie,
    You have inspired me. I am a woman who in the last 2 years has had 4 miscarriages. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with what seems to be a perfectly healthy boy. I have refused to pick up a pen and journal this pregnancy. My fear of having the empty pages you talk about so eloquently is what has held me back. That is until now.
    I feel this baby move so often that it is hard for me not to acknowledge his presence. Until now. Thank you for helping me pick up my pen and give this boy a history of his mommy’s pregnancy that he didn’t have. Until now.
    Much love and hugs for you and your family.
    Jen

  • Anonymous

    Angie I am still praying for your entire family, including Nicol and Greg.

  • Eric and Michelle

    May Jesus comfort you and help you fill the pages sweet Angie. I am so very sorry for your pain.

  • Holly

    Angie-
    God has brought me to your blog. I’ve never had a situation that compares with yours (other than raising twin girls with names a lot like yours — Ella and Emma), but I know I am called to read and pray with you. I feel that God is preparing me for something, and you are helping me put on needed armor. It’s scary to think about the unknown, but for some reason, I feel more prepared. Thank you for being a great teacher– you demonstrate how to have a relationship with God. To know Him is to love Him–
    Holly

  • Love, Di

    Sweet Audrey Caroline has managed to bless so many people.

  • Tater and Tot

    I am awestruck again and again as I read your words and then the words of your commenters. I think that not “in spite of” your pain but because of it, God is using you in a mighty and wonderful way. It is not very often that we get to see such amazing, real testaments of people who choose to turn it back to Him; back into praise. Thank you most, though, for showing the hard times as well. That it hurts and it’s not easy. Thank you for helping us to remember that grief – even Christian grief – isn’t necessarily sunshine and rainbows. What an amazing thing you and God are doing here! Who knows? Maybe you were made for such a time as this.

    June 13, 2008 12:34 PM

  • ncmama

    Angie,

    I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now and have been tremendously blessed by it myself. In a very small way I can relate to your loss in that I had a miscarriage last September. This was my third child and although we didn’t know for sure, I was certain that it was a girl – Sarah Kathryn.

    I was devastated but pulled myself together quickly. I never really took the time to work through my feelings of grief and pain. This loss, coupled with a bad injury my son suffered with through the summer, taxed my system beyond belief. I thought I was trusting God and life was getting back to “normal”. A short month later I found myself in the depths of anxiety, despair, and panic attacks.

    God is teaching me a lot as I recover from so much negative thinking. Reading your post today made me want to offer some encouragement. Keep writing! I know it’s hard, but trust me when I say it’s better to work out your grief this way. Don’t let it sit and simmer in your soul. My battle with anxiety has been the most difficult and disorienting thing that I’ve ever experienced and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

    Let God continue to work this out in you. You are a great blessing and are challending all of us to grow deeper in our faith.

    Much love

  • Heather

    My arms long to reach out and hug you, Angie. I have asked God to step in and do what I can’t from so many miles away.

    This post reminds me of the song “Unwritten”:

    “Feel the rain on your skin
    No one else can feel it for you
    Only you can let it in
    No one else, no one else
    Can speak the words on your lips
    Drench yourself in words unspoken
    Live you life with arms wide open
    Today is where your book begins

    The rest is still unwritten”

    I know it’s a little ‘upbeat’ for the emotions that you are feeling, but the words…..

    I am lovin’ you and praying for you!

    God Bless you, beloved.

  • The Hull Munchkins

    Your words are so heartfelt and deep. I can feel your pain through the blog.
    Although we didn’t lose our daughter to death like we had prepared for, we lost her bit by bit in other ways… so, grief in a sense is part of my days too.
    But I know it’s not the same. My heart aches for you and for your family as you miss little Audrey. Your story continues to touch so many, but more than that, it challenges me to look to Christ for my comfort. And it reminds me that hurting is universal! I’m not alone in the sadness I feel so often.

    Praying for your heart today,
    -Patty

  • Anonymous

    Angie, It’s been almost 10 weeks, and look at all that God is doing in the lives of hurting moms, unbelievers searching to make sense of their loss, believers who are struggling with a God who could allow this, and growing through it…did you ever fathom how many lives you and Audrey would intersect with?

    I don’t know your pain, but I know it’s hurting you to live without her…the picture in my mind as I sit back and ponder your horrible loss…someday…
    I see you and Audrey, spending days in heaven, having girl time chatting, and from time to time, women walk up and say “I am here because of your story, it changed my life, and through you and your faithfulness to share, I learned to walk with our Savior…thank you” Time after time when this happens, I see Audrey turning and looking at you, and sweetly saying “See Mom, I had to come home so quickly, otherwise that one would have been lost, she is another answer to your WHY”…
    So many lives, God is touching through your story….you may never see the answers to your WHY this side of heaven, or even know how many there are, but they are out there…and He is going to make sense of it all one day.

    Through your hardest moments you are giving so many hope, that they will survive their grief, and they can use it to His glory. I have to believe that Your Father in heaven, stands smiling with his arm around Audrey’s shoulder, and He says to her “She never ceases to amaze us does she?” and under His breath, He whispers “Well done again, my precious daughter”
    He loves you so much, and as your song says “you were chosen” to carry this burden, you are so kind, and so giving, and so faithful He must have hurt so badly knowing the pain He was about to allow in all your lives…the brief gift of Audrey, brought with it, the lasting gift of your writings…and like men of old, He is giving you the words to say…
    Thank you for sharing your journey…be encouraged, clearly Audrey’s life matters and has purpose, it’s all around you in your “stranger-friends”. Have a blessed day!!!

  • dr. Bray

    Angie,
    I check your blog every day and I know you hear this from many…sad as it is, but I have lost a son at 18 weeks pregnant last year and I am 16 weeks now. I had to deliver him and it was hard, as you know. Every time I read what you write, I cry my eyes out and at the same time…I smile. I know I will not not be “settled” until this baby arrives safely but somehow I seem to lose my worry when I am reading about you & your family. I think my worries transfer into worrying for you and your family. It is like my time out from my own worry and my time to think about someone else and what they have went through. I pray for you and your family as well as health for us all.Your words say it all so wonderful and I am amazed at your relationship with God. Envious actually. Please take care and I will “worry” some more for you later!

  • Anonymous

    I feel your pain. Ireally do just got the reprt from the chromsome study came back normal now what what do I make of this. We found out it was a boy. I am going nuts 2 loses in a row and now to find out it was 2 boys what do we make of this of this. I feel your emptiness and pain, but remind myself God doesnt give us things we can not handle. My babies didnt deserve to suffer, and my heart can handle the pain.

    Jeannine
    Jlb1094@yahoo.com
    http://remembered-forever.org/JustinJohnUrsillo/p/index/

  • blessedwith5

    Oh Sweet Angie – you have touched more lives than you will ever know! You are so very intimate with every detail of your life – you touch our hearts so delicately and God is shining through you and your family!
    You have become part of my family!
    God Bless and Heal

  • Anonymous

    Angie,

    God has blessed you with a gift of writing down what is inside your heart and head. I too was left with an empty notebook several years ago and you wouldn’t believe me if I told you how God filled the pages in ways I couldn’t have even dreamed up on my own. I can see that you KNOW He will fill the pages of your notebook too. I wish you could really know how this blog has helped me, but some day when we are standing face to face in heaven we can discuss that. I will continue to pray for you and all of your family. Thanks for letting us in on your journey of grief, pain, triumph and learning. God Bless you and your willingness to give back even in the midst of darkness. Take Care!!
    johnandlisaz@comcast.net

  • Becca

    Angie,
    I recently started reading your blog and have wanted to send you a line or two but never could think of the words to send. Your blog is a blessing, I am so sorry for the grief of your family that inspired the blog but it is definately humbling, encouraging and a reminder to me everytime I read it.
    I think of you many times a day as I hold my four-month old son when I am thinking I need to do laundry or clean the house I just stop and relish the moment because I read your story and remember we are not promised tomorrow. For this I thank you! My husband and I adopted our son from birth and now his birthparents are attempting to regain custody of him. Your blog gives me a few moments of someones elses sorrow while is are so strong.
    I have told your story to everyone that would listen and begged them for prayers for your sweet family. I pray that Lord heals your heart daily and gives you strength to carry you during the worst moments. Thanks so much for your words!

  • Lori

    I recently found your blog and have spent many teary minutes reading it. I have three beautiful children, but we lost two precious babies late in my first trimesters. Though many years have passed, the sadness creeps back in at the most unexpected times. Like you, I long to know who they are…who did God create inside of me that I didn’t get the chance to know? Somehow, I think if I only knew….do I have two boys, a girl and a boy or two girls? I guess we always want what we can’t have and probably the knowing wouldn’t make it any easier…I would just want to know more. I rest in knowing that my God KNOWS and He KNOWS why he took them and why He gave me the three beautiful children that I have. One day, I will know too. Until then, I know God counts our tears and hears our cries. Lori

  • Christy

    Angie,
    My sister had told me about your blog… and I just love it. I know you hear that often, but you need to know what an encouragment you have been to so many people. It truly is amazing how the body of Christ pulls together around those who have loss, hurts, fears…etc. We are called to bare on anothers burdens… and that is just what we are all doing… I pray that each new person who comes to your blog bares a little bit more allowing the Lord to take away a little bit more of your burden. When I had first found out I was pregnant(out of wed lock) I knew the Lord had a lot to teach me through it… for a long time I was broken over it. I know that our stories are different, but the similarity is in the broken heart… I clung to Psalm 147:3 “He heals the broken hearted, and binds up their wounds.” I will be praying that the Lord is found faithful (as I know He will be) and will HEAL your broken heart… and BIND up your wounds.
    You are an inspiration to me… Continue pressing into the Lord for your comfort and support. He Loves to hold you, He loves to wipe away your tears, He loves your realness, and He loves your vulnerability… He wants us just the way we are… as you have spoken about the broken pitcher, He wants you … Even broken. Praise the Lord for His Mighty deeds… Praise Him for wanting me broken!
    God Bless you and your family,
    christy

  • pakosta

    your pain makes my heart ache. thank you for sharing. i have never lost a child, but it makes me realize when i hear about someone who has, just how very blessed i am….thank you for your faith and inspiration in the way you live your life….
    tara

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Chris, Keely,& Eli

    angie,
    my eyes are stinging and the tears are streaming once again as i sit down at my computer. however, i am drawn closer to our Abba. i am sorry that it is through your pain that He has revealed Himself to me in a much deeper way than ever before, not that He does not reveal Himself, but that i am hardheaded sot it takes me a while to get it, however i am ever greatful for this progress of healing in my own life. like emily wrote “if Miller Grace hadn’t been used to send such cleansing tears to my eyes and to my life. What a blessing miracle girls in a hurry for Heaven will always be.” im not sure the sex of my little blessings, but i do know that God has used their quick little lives to make a HUGE impact on my life. i too have had a hard week as i work in labor an delivery and have found myself questioning why these teenage single moms are able to carry their healthy babies full term when all of us have had such a struggle getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or having healthy babies. there have been many tearfilled nights, but its comforting to know that im not alone. keep pressing on and have a blessed weekend

  • Jackie Holloway

    You can’t know the comfort I have found in your blog entries lately. I just recently found your blog from a good friend of mine. And I began to read, admiring your frank honesty, and your trust in a God who knows so much more and so much better than we do. Tho you ache, tho you hurt, you still trust, and I can “hear” your faith coming through each and every post.

    Our extended family was struck with a tragedy this week. My cousin (also our neighbor) trailer caught on fire about 1am Tuesday morning. He awoke and was able to save his wife and daughter, but lost his son in the smoke and flames. Harley had just turned 7. It’s so hard to understand, and often words I’ve read here come back to me.

    Please know I’ve been praying for your families. For peace, for healing, for a return of joy.

  • Ashley

    Your words always offer me so much encouragement, so I thought I’d share this verse that jumped off the page to me recently. Sometimes you need to claim something even if you’re not sure that you feel it all the time, or at least I do. “But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.” Micah 7:7
    God is doing great things in and through you, even in the midst of those dark and painful moments.

  • Dre

    Dearest Angie-

    I’ve been meaning to ask. Have you read the book called “The Shack” by William P. Young? It seriously is INCREDIBLE. It may be a little hard to get through, but I believe some healing can come from this book. Young was not going to publish this book. He wrote it for his five children, and ended up publishing it, b/c it’s so good! It seriously is amazing. If you have not read it or heard of it, I think you should go pick it up. :o )

    All my love and prayers,

    Andrea

  • Anonymous

    Angie,

    Tomorrow will be 9 years since I met and kissed my sweet Emmalyn Grace good-bye. Hard to believe. But praise God He has been so faithful to me and kept every single one of His precious promises. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to throw her a birthday party – who she would invite, what the crazy theme would be, what her gift requests would be (probably a Webkinz like every other girl her age). But those days were never ordained for her by my Sovereign and Good God. She accomplished in 5 hours what some people never do in a 90 year span. She glorified God with her life. And He is still glorifying Himself 9 long years later. My kids (11 & 8) were asking all about it last night. My son said, “She taught you a whole lot about God, didn’t she? Tell me about it.” What an endless treasure! The gift that keeps on giving.

    I check your blog out every day; Got a short-cut on my desktop. I have been so challenged and blessed. Isn’t it amazing the beauty God can bring out of ashes?

    Praying for you and Nicole,

    Ann, in Indiana
    Beachpartyof4@comcast.net

  • Hope

    It’s amazing how in the beginning everything is a reminder of our loss. I can remember my arms literally aching because I wanted to hold my daughter again so badly.

    Every time I saw a pregnant woman or a mother with her children I just wanted to burst into tears–and sometimes I did! Every song at church had a new meaning. Every piece of mail would make me cry.

    I remember getting a sample of formula in the mail a few months after her death and I thought I was going to lose it I was so mad! I didn’t really want the hurt to go away because I thought that would mean that I had forgotten her.

    Six years later I can say that the hurt is more of an ache than a sharp pain and I haven’t forgotten her at all. You will make it through this time. All those “empty pages” will be filled with stories of people who have come to know Christ through Audrey and your transparency in this journey.

    You will understand God’s faithfulness in ways you never would have if not for Audrey. You will forever be grateful for her brief life because your life is changed forever. Keep praying, keep writing, keep crying, and remember that God is faithful even when we can’t see it. I know, He has proven himself to me more than I can count!

  • The Harper Family

    As usual, after reading your entries I just want to drive to TN and wrap my arms around you. I want to sit with you and say nothing..just cry together. You amaze me with your writings, Angie. Please don’t stop this blog. THIS IS SUCH A MINISTRY! You are changing peoples lives. I will continue to pray for you each and every night. God bless your family.

  • Ang

    Angie- yesterday was a hard day for me too. 2 years ago yesterday I saw and herad my sweet little angel’s heart beat. I was 1 month pregnant, my 1st pregnancy. 2 months and day later I was having a dnc, my little angel had passed in my womb. I had to have an emergency hysterectomy in Dec. 2007.I will never carry a child. I know that God has a great plan for me and have to remind myself everyday of that. I cried with you yesterday. God will carry us both. Thank you for your healing words-Angie

  • Anonymous

    I think the thing about finding something that was written, expecially in it’s raw form, is that there is purpose in it. Something you want or even need to remember….I will never forget Audrey or Luke. Your memorial has been placed in my heart. I can not get the image of Luke’s mom holding him while singing at Audrey’s service out of my head. I wish I could give you a big hug, and your sister-in-law. You are still being prayed for…strength like wings of eagles…

  • Sarah Jones

    Oh Angie. All I can say is that I wish that I could throw my arms around you and give you a hug. I hurt right along with you and while I know that no amount of hugs in the world can even make a ding in the sorrow that you feel, I still long to do something, anything to take it away for a little while. I will pray that in my place, that God will wrap his arms around you and hold you and give you peace in the midst of this pain.

  • joyboytinkertoy

    thank you for your words, your strength your beauty. thank you for thinking of all of our babies. I wish that I had a voice like yours, I wish that I had people who would have listened to my words. My family kind of pushed it under the rug and its not spoken of.. you are so blessed.. thanks

  • Anonymous

    You continue to be an inspiration to me. Thank you.

    Jenny

  • Darlee Folk

    Oh, Sweet Angie,

    As I type through my tears I realize that I need to thank the Lord for these blog pages that are NOT empty because of one faithful servant who chose to open up her heart and share her anguish with what is becoming a special family. You bring so much joy to these pages. You bring so much enlightenment. I am living and feeling and struggling with YOUR pain…and it’s made me a better person and Christian because of it.

    Though I have not lost a child of my own, I have lost a sister who was very young and was just starting to know God’s love. I remember those first gut wrenching thoughts that resonated through that unbearably painful time, “I want her back”.

    Thank you for the time you spend here and giving so much to us. I feel like I’m just starting to wake up again because of you.

    Sincerely,

    Darlee

  • LauraLynn

    Thanks for coming to my blog and for praying. The weekend of our baby girl’s death 10 years ago went better than I thought it would, and I know it was because people prayed. I was worried I would not be able to function, and instead I barely thought about it, which is rare :)

  • Michele

    Sweet Angie. I have been reading your story from the beginning…and not commenting until now. I clearly remember one moment early in my grief (my babies died a little over 5 years ago) when I was cleaning house. I walked into our guest bathroom and it was sparkling clean. It hit me so very hard at that moment. I dropped to the floor and just wept. I wept over what should have been a total and complete mess with baby things all around and yet there was nothing for me to do in there but sit and cry.

    I’m sure many have recommended books to you – and after reading your post, I wanted to share my absolute favorite book with you. It’s called “Grieving the Child I Never Knew” by Kathe Wunneburg. If you don’t have it, I’d love to send you a copy :)

  • Anonymous

    Angie, I wanted to respond to Anonymous. I thought and prayed about this a lot. I am a preacher’s wife. We have 3 kids. People feel that they can say anything to you (and I mean anything). As all things in life, this is up and down in wonderfulness. I mean, the lady who said ‘why would you have a 3rd child? you already have one of each” the Sunday my husband announced our pregnancy really stumped me.
    However, what I want you to know is this: you can NOT make everyone happy on this earth. How you dress your kids, what car you buy/are given, the way you walk into church will bother someone somewhere. I say this not to complain but to let you know that this is a reminder. We are NOT to be living for these people making these people happy or understand why we do what we do is not important. Living for God is what is important. If God told you that auctioning the purse was a way to glorify Him, we are not to question it. Others will question it. That makes them (us) people. However, if God said it, so be it. I have found through the years of being a pastor’s wife and a parent that if GOD whispers it on your heart than it is meant to be. I have NOT been through what you have. Nor have you experienced my life. However, we both know that God is the One in charge (I am SO thankful for this!) and that He alone has the higher power. Just hang on that when things just don’t seem to want to hang in any other way! God is in charge. Bless you for shining the light for others in this difficult time for you. I know that this will all come to light at some point so that we can understand. Until then, live for Jesus. Thanks, Jennifer in NC

  • Anonymous

    You are such an inspiring person! I know every time I read your blog, my faith is refreshed…. and I don’t know what it is but I cry everytime too!! Your words touch me in so many different ways. Thanks for sharing.
    In God’s Grace-
    JIll in MN

  • Heather

    Angie- I am praying for you today.

  • kendra

    Angie,
    Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for being humble. Thank you for sharing so many of your conversations with God with us. It’s teaching me how to talk to Him, how to listen to His voice more clearly.
    I liked what another person said during their comment, this has become somewhat like a devotional to me…no pressure though! =-) God is doing a mighty, mighty work through you, and sweet Audrey-girl is teaching ALL of us so much through this blog, through your words.
    Oh what fun and rejoicing we will have in Heaven when all of us who have had the blessing to “get to know” Audrey Caroline get to meet!!
    Your sister in Christ,
    kendra (Portland OR)

  • JanMary

    My words are inadequate…hugs and prayers.

  • Stacy D

    Thank you for this beautiful and honest post. It helps me remember that I don’t have to have my brave face on all the time, and that it’s okay to feel the hurt and the grief.

    You will continue to be in my prayers.

    If you think of it, please pray for us on Tuesday. We have several tests down at Children’s National Medical Center (fetal MRI, fetal echocardiogram, ultrasound) and a consult with a pediatric surgeon. Please pray that our little man, despite his abdominal hernia, is healthy and that his prognosis is good.

    ~ Stacy

  • Hope Wilson

    You are phenominal! Thank you for writing from your heart…your openness is so refreshing! As for your Coco, Joyce Meyer had a guest on her program this week speaking of how Joseph chose to WEAR his coat even though his own brothers hated him & were jealous. He didn’t HAVE TO wear the coat, but he DID…It is my thought that God calls believers to look the BEST that they can to bring GLORY to Him!!! I’m proud of you for how you handled this comment & glad that you are not letting Satan get a stronghold on you and “steal” your joy…keep up the great work on this journey that you have been given! May God continue to RICHLY (monetarily, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.) bless you & your precious family!

  • DEE

    After journaling 1/8/04 how very thankful I was to be in my thirties and still have my grandparents(well most of them), I lost my grandfather about 5 days later.

    This is nothing comapred to losing a child, but for 6 m onths i could n ot work, focus, all I did was cry. Life was no longer worth it. Srill it is hard to just make it.

    It is so very wonderful to hear in your writing your humor and see you still so honest. Stay honest with us.
    I am a mother of 3 and so not know the joy or struggles of carrying a child and that is paindul to me. I should be thankful, but I am, but I am also …
    well bitter. Why God? I know that I will know the answers when we are in heaven, but
    still so hard, i ffel like no one understands.
    Dear sister God brings you to mind often and when He does you are brought to His throne in prayer.
    Curl up in HIs arms and give Him all of the hurt hold nothing back.
    HE CAN HANDLE IT HE ALREADY DEFEATED PAIN AND SUFFERING ON THE CROSS.
    Lots of love

  • Anonymous

    I was with you in your pain last night. I too had a particularly tough time yesterday and last night. I looked at my few pictures of Samuel and I just hurt so badly.
    I continue to keep you and yours in my prayers.
    Sara, Kentucky

  • Mom of three and two angels

    Angie,
    Just yesterday I called my husband at work crying because I was going through a drawer that I had been neglecting (since the loss of our daughter exactly 4 weeks ago, Mia Hope, born at 20 weeks)and I found my list just like yours. It too had a list of baby items needed (she was my 4th also) and also a list of Christmas ideas for our three living children including some for my Mia. I was/am heartbroken by the fact that come Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas I will not have our new baby around. I had such wonderful plans for our family. She was to be our last child. I really struggled the rest of the day and cried myself to sleep last night.

    My husband called from work this morning and told me to go to your website ASAP. I couldn’t believe that you were writing about the same thing. I had felt so alone.
    Reading your blog made me feel like i’m not going crazy, unfortunately there are other people that go through loss, and we can totally trust Jesus and praise him in the midst of this storm. Thank you for your blogs, they are helping me right now. God bless you and your family!

    Marsha from Kansas City

  • Evamarie

    Hey Angie,
    I’ve been following your story for a few weeks at the recommendation of a friend. Your faith has been an amazing encouragement to me, as one of my family members has just gone through a hard year and it’s so hard to keep on believing when everything you see just seems to make it all hurt worse. Thank you for being vulnerable about your weaknesses but holding tight to our Father. Although I have no personal experience that in any way equates with what you are living right now, I hurt with you and I’m praying for you. Stay strong, girl. Don’t give up!

  • MBKimmy

    Angie – I read or check your blog each and every day … I often do not comment, because I can only imagine getting 130+ comments and finding time and strenght to read them all … I just went back and watched your slide show … for about the 5th time, and I have to tell you today I am weeping for you! Most days I celebrate your love for God and the small time you had with her, but today I am mad at God. Mad that he took her, luke and all the other babies.
    I am on my way back to read some more of your stuff … old stuff so I can get over my mad and praise him again, that is what made me comment today …
    thanks! Thanks for showing me and sharing with me that even though you are HURT, TORN and STEPPED on that you still love him, you still find it. I am like you used to be – I don’t know God well, but I am getting there … I am starting and it is because of your blog that I want even more to get deeper with him! Thanks again and I will be reading, praying and thinking of you all!

  • NEILANDKIM

    Thank you… just a simple thank you. I won’t say you feel like my sister, I will say you are my sister. I can’t wait ’til the day we meet :) . I send my warmest hugs.

  • Darlene

    Oh! your aching is so honest. You are leaving a legacy for your Audrey with every word you right. She is bringing glory to Him.
    right now.

  • Melissa Hutsell

    Oh…I LOVE the new site. I love that she included all the great stuff from the old one…the boots in the rain…I love that shot. And the pic of the vase and the new family photos. Perfection. I LOVE your blog on the purse and the Bonneville. We too are missionaries and were gifted with a beautiful automobile that someone felt led of the Lord to just GIVE us. I would gladly tell everyone I know that it is because of the glory of the Lord that He provided us that car. But I overheard someone making a comment on “Gee, it must be nice to be a missionary.” It stung for sure. If I didn’t know, as you do, that sometimes God blesses us with worldly goods too and the world never sees the cost. It isn’t the stuff…it’s the giver and it is all His just like you said. So, thanks for saying it. And I love that you have truly seen that the literal pages in the notebook went blank but the story was actually more clearly written than it may have ever been had Audrey stayed here. I love that you share the journey with us and I will NEVER take for granted a baby that grows within my womb for however long God lets me have him or her. Because just like the purse and the car…these babies are His too and He is the giver of all the gifts. Thanks for reminding me…everyday. And I loved the threshing floor blog too. It was beautiful and I am so thankful God showed you that so I could see it too. Bless Him! Love, Melissa

  • Anonymous

    Angie, I could have written every word you just wrote. I am going through the exact same emotions you are going through with one exception. God gave me the miracle of being with my baby 9 weeks, 2 days, 8 hours before he passed to Heaven. Not a day passes where I don’t cry and say, I want my baby back. It is a horrible feeling that isn’t easily articulated. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us all. I agree it helps to write it down and share it in this format. I have a blog at caringbridge.org/visit/miraclebaby3 for me to do the same although I am not nearly as eloquent in my writing as you are.

    Linda in Bella Vista, AR

  • Nayeli

    Dear Friend, thank you so much for sharing this journey with us. Lately, I’ve been surrounded by tragedy, dear friends losing loved ones, best friends getting cancer at 19 years old, simply…all the pain that has been happening in our world around us lately. I feel that my heart is breaking because of all this suffering, but I remember my own story, how pain has brought me joy, how all the rainy and stormy seasons in my life have brought green grass and life :)
    Much Love,
    Nayeli

  • Denise

    I get such joy from reading your blog and such such strength. You are a true inspiration to me. See, I just had my first baby 2 weeks ago. I had him via emergency C-Section because I developed HELLP syndrome preeclampsia. He was just 29 weeks along when he was born on May 29th. His name is Parker James and he was 2lbs 3oz and 14.5 inches long. He is in the NICU right now and growing big and strong and I can’t tell you the emotion roller coaster I have been going through.

    Reading your blog and seeing your strength and your dependance on God really helps ME to do the same. While I haven’t lost a child and can not understand what you have been through with that, I am going through such a hard time in life, but I really feel God in all of this.

    I am even thinking of breaking something and piecing it back together again, just like your pitcher, for some healing!

    If you have time, feel free to swing by our blog we use to update people. http://web.mac.com/parker.northern

    :) Denise

  • twondra

    I just wanted to say thanks for always making my day. I love reading your blog as you always are so inspiring whether you’re having a good or bad day. I know you don’t know me but I think and pray for you every day. I can’t wait to meet Audrey in heaven with her angel wings. She’s been such an inspiration to me.

  • Anonymous

    My dear Angie,
    I could have written this entry! I have wondered these same things the last 5 1/2 years of my life. I would love nothing more than to have my sweet Jeremiah back.

    Please know that your family is in my thoughts and prayers daily*hugs*

  • Bob and Cindy Cole

    Angie,

    I don’t know if you have come to my blog or not, but if you have, would you please comment. You get hundreds of comments–I get one or two. I need to know someone cares too. We lost our little boy last November. I am grieving too. Thank you for encouraging me.

    Blessings,
    Cindy
    http://www.anarmyforthelord.blogspot.com

  • Chele

    I am so thankful for your blogsite. I check it daily for any updates. You are an inspiration to me because you are just a woman trying to live the life our God wants you to live. You are facing a challenge that I never have had to, and I pray that God gives you strength to get through each day. I too feel like we are friends that have never met, but your family feels so familiar. I love the pitcher story and the message you gave. It has made me stop and think more than you will ever know. Know that we are all praying for you daily Angie! God Bless you and your beautiful family.
    PS-Your coach purse story is the best. I am in total awe of how you handled that with your girls. What a fabulous lesson for them! You are awesome!
    In Christian Love,
    Chele

  • Rachel

    prayers sweet sister in Christ…

  • Holly

    Oh may God fill the notebook of your life, Angie, so that it is so much richer and fuller than you would have ever dreamed–a depth of Christ’s love in you. May many, many, many be standing with your Audrey and Luke in Heaven saying, “Thank you for your story, Smiths and Sponbergs.” My life was changed because of Christ in you.

    Even so, I wish your crazy dreams would come and happen…I do. I kept praying that even for the Chapmans. Lord, even now, you could cause Maria to come walking down the driveway…for Luke…for Audrey…for all the ones who ought not to have died. I know that it hurts God with all of you.

    He’s gonna make it right one day. I long for that day.

    Praying for you all!
    Love,
    holly

  • Mary

    I love how you write. I love how God shows you something like an incomplete notebook to lead you to writing such an encouraging blog. You are a wonderful daughter to our Great Father. Thank you for opening your heart.
    On a lighter note, I love the new layout of your blog. It’s VERY soothing somehow.

  • JennyWho

    Angie,

    It is an honor and always a blessing to read your blog; I read a lot of blogs and yours is one of the two which I keep coming back to pretty much every day, mostly twice a day.

    I wish the past months/years had been easier for you,and easier for the other mom who’s blog I read…but then I’m not sure you two would have been writing, and in consequence I’m not sure I would be where I’m at as far as working on my relationship with God.

    I so very much wish you had your baby with you…she does indeed have a sweet little face. I wish you weren’t hurting. I wish Luke was here too, with his parents. I wish Isaac and Asher were still here too. But, I guess it’s just in the plan for you and Todd, and Greg and Nicol, and Kristy and Howard, etc etc…and again, you are reaching SO MANY people out here in blogland with your honesty, humor, and insights about your faith.

    There are parts of all of this that suck, and there are parts that lift you up, and sometimes it must be quite a challenge to just get through.

    So, hugs to you, and thanks from all of us out here in cyberspace-

    J. in OH

  • Kristi O

    I will never imagine to know your pain, but I do know how to pray. For you, for your family, for your dreams and empty pages. I am so thankful we serve a God who can handle the dark days, who is still in control when we aren’t, who sees the tears. WOW, where would we be. I check your blog each morning, thanks for taking a risk and sharing your heart. You encourage me and challenge me. Blessings.

  • Larry and Steph

    I’ve never commented before, but I stop by almost everyday. I read your words, I cry with you and for you, and I pray for your family. You give me the courage to accept what I feel, to know that what I feel is ok. Though I didn’t experience what you did, in exactly the same manner, I thank you and I thank God for you and for the emotions and words of praise that you share. You encourage me to find ways to praise even through the tears. Thank you…

  • Anonymous

    I have never commented before, but I have been a daily reader here for a while. I look forward to reading your posts. You and your daughter are giving me the courage to trust God’s plan in my own life. Thank you for sharing your story and even your pain. They help me.

  • touchofglory

    Angie,
    Thank you so much for continuing to share with us as you learn how to live life after everything you and your family have been through. It was so good to see your smile in the pictures in the last post. I am thankful for all that I’ve learned and continue to learn from you each time you share your heart with us. I will continue to pray for you.
    Love,
    Melissa H.

  • RZ

    It is so hard for me to read your blog. But, I come here every day. I need to come here but I don’t know why. My heart hurts so much when I read all your family is going through. I was faced with the possibility of losing my daughter to a congenital illness but thankfully she pulled through and is doing very well. But every day I wake up–and she wakes up–I am thankful. I don’t know what I would do if something ever happened to her. I do know, that I would not and could not be as strong as you.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,

    I can never tell you how much your words have touched my heart, my soul. You have a gift…..Continue to write…your heart is so beautiful and I read and reread you posts.

    Hugs to you,
    Teresa
    Shreveport, La

  • Blair

    I have to tell you, your testimony about life, love and believing has rocked me to my core. I cannot imagine your grief and pray that mothers around the world are spared of your sorrow.
    I have been praying for you and your family – your loss so great and more than someone should have to carry.
    But I have to say, reading your blog renews my faith. Makes me want to preach it louder. And makes me more grateful for my blessings – knowing that God is great, even if we can’t always see it or understand it.
    Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Becky

    Angie,
    I think you are amazing. I have read your blog many times and honestly when my days are filled with craziness (I have 3 kids- four, two and 10 mon.) and I’m frustrated about something silly, I think of you. Honestly, it gets me through the day. I play your song, “Carry You” all the time, it’s beautiful. I don’t know how you have the strength you do, it can only come from a living God. God bless you for opening your heart to us. God is using your and little Audrey in a special way.

  • Simply Kelli

    I’m commenting for the second time today.I can’t get over this blog. Your words. Your story. Your heart.

    You amaze me and if I could meet ANYONE right now– it would be YOU!
    No doubt about it.

    Although I’ve been reading blogs for a few months now, yours is my TOP favorite and I’ve finally started my own. It’s a little of nothing right now…but you’ve inspired me to write about the death of a dear friend at only seventeen years old just four months ago.

    You are such an inspiration to so many people! and you are DEFINITELY my role model. I love you!

  • Anonymous

    A few things.

    I’m proud to know you. To have known Audrey’s story.

    I’m sorry it couldn’t have been under other circumstances.

    One more thing. I know this isn’t the same…but something about this story, about Matt, about Maddy makes my heart crumble. You know God, and you have a beautiful faith, could you find room for these two precious people in your prayers.

    Maddy’s mama died before she had the chance to tuck her in.

    http://www.mattlogelin.com/archives/2008/04/13/what-happened/

  • The Asquad

    I love you like I know you! I know your exact feelings, and I pray for your healing. I know the loss of two babies, not so close together in time, but still to long for more than one.

    I hope that one day we can meet and share an embrace. We are a great comfort for each other, us HOLY MOLI’s (Mother Of Lost Infants) and we know most importantly that HE is our great comforter! AMEN!!

    My prayers continue for peace and comfort, my dear friend.

    XOXO
    P

  • Nancy Hood

    How one child, one small little human, can reach literally thousands, hundreds of thousands, of Christians across this world ~ and what a beautiful testimony to our King for the love we feel when one of us hurts~

  • Beth

    You are such a blessing to those of us that has lost babies. The words you write always seem to help. I did not get to meet any of my four babies, but my best friend (who is an artist) took my baby and toddler pictures and did a sketch of what she thought my four babies would have looked like. That has helped me so much to finally put a fact to them. I have always been confident that I will meet them one day but now I feel like I know who I will be looking for (if that makes sense). I am telling you this because between that picture and your words it has helped me tremendously.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story.
    Beth

  • Anonymous

    Angie,

    The Lord woke me up at 2:30 last night to pray for you. I did. I have followed your blog for a couple of months now and I can totally see why God entrusted Audrey to you. You have honored her with your writing. It is truly a ministry. I can see that this was God’s plan to bring good out of something tragic and He knew you were strong enough to carry it through.

    I have not lost a child, but I have felt total loss, total grief- fall on the floor on my face for mercy grief. I pray that you feel overwhelming peace and God’s overwhelming presence.

    Angie, Jesus loves you and just like the song says, we are weak but He is strong. In your weakness He has been mighty and powerful and those that have read your blog have been truly blessed.

    Thank you and sleep peacefully tonight.

    Jenny

  • Anonymous

    “Why?”
    By Jack Hyles
    “I have sat beside a tiny crib,
    And watched a baby die,
    As parents slowly turned toward me,
    To ask, “Oh, Pastor, why?”

    I have held the youthful husband’s head,
    And felt death’s heave and sign.
    A widow looked through tears and said,
    “Dear Pastor, tell me why?”

    I have seen a gold-star mother weep,
    And hold a picture nigh
    Her lonely breast, and softly ask,
    “Why, Pastor, why, oh, why?”

    I have walked away from babyland,
    Where stillborn babies lie.
    A mother stretches empty arms,
    And asks me, “Pastor, why?”

    I have heard the white-tipped tapping cane,
    Which leads a blinded eye,
    And then a darkened, lonely voice
    Cries, “Preacher, show me why.”

    I have caught a fiancee’s burning tears,
    And heard her lonely cry.
    She held an unused wedding gown,
    And shouted, “Pastor, why?”

    I have heard the cancer patient say,
    “Tis gain for me to die;”
    Then look into his daughter’s face,
    And mutely whisper, “Why?”

    I have seen a father take his life.
    A widow stands nearby;
    As little children say, “Dear Mom,
    The preacher’ll tell us why.”

    I’ve seen my mother stand beside
    Two tiny graves and cry.
    And though she’d never let me know,
    I knew she wondered, “Why?”

    I’ve heard an orphan faintly say,
    Who gazed into the sky,
    “Though Mom and Dad have gone away,
    My preacher will know why.”

    I tiptoed to my Father’s throne,
    So timid and so shy,
    To say, “Dear God, some of Your own
    Are wanting to know why.”

    I heard Him say so tenderly,
    “Their eyes I’ll gladly dry,
    Though they must look through faith today
    Tomorrow they’ll know why.”

    “If now they find the reasons that
    Their hopes have gone awry,
    In heaven, they will miss the joy
    hearing Me tell why.”

    And so I’ve found it pleases Him
    When I can testify,
    “I’ll trust my God to do what’s best,
    And wait to find out why.”

  • Theresa

    Thank you for sharing your story.
    Thank you for being transparent.
    Thank you for touching my life.
    Thank you!

  • Natalie

    Angie,

    I just read your post and then when I went downstairs, my husband had on a Casting Crowns DVD. The first song I heard was “Praise You in This Storm.” Here is the first verse and chorus…

    I was sure by now
    That You would have reached down And wiped our tears away
    stepped in and saved the day
    but once again, I say “Amen,” and its still raining

    As the thunder rolls
    I barely hear you whisper through the rain “I’m with you”
    And as Your mercy falls
    I raise my hands and praise the God that gives And takes away

    I will praise you in this storm And I will lift my hands
    For You are who You are
    No matter where I am
    Every tear I’ve cried
    You hold in your hand
    You never left my side
    And though my heart is torn
    I will Praise You in this storm

    I have heard this song before but it never resonated with me like it did a few minutes ago. I immediately thought of you and your family and this storm that you have had to deal with. You’ve been faced with the most difficult thing any parent can possibly face and yet you are still praising God. I hope you know how inspiring you are to all of us who read your blog. If you can praise God during your saddest moments then no matter what small things have got me down, I can and will praise Him too!

  • Joy

    I just wrote a blog post with excerpts from my private journal. I had an early miscarriage and while that pain is different from yours, it is still painful.

    In the blog post you first read my “Yay, I’m pregnant!” entry and the very next begins with the words, “I’m miscarrying…”

    That journal had blank pages for a long time. I just picked it back up and began journaling in it again. You’re right, those pages WILL NOT stay blank.

    Those babies didn’t just disappear to never be thought of again. They have a legacy, through their families, and they have a STORY that will not be forgotten. There is so much more than, “They lived and then died.” There is SO MUCH MORE!

    You’re very right. Keep filling those blank pages because you have a lot to say and feel about your precious daughter.

  • Anonymous

    Angie,
    I am 13 years on the other side of losing my sweet Mason and I can tell you that healing does come and you will work through your grief as the days, weeks and years go by. God is always faithful and he will see you through (as I know you already realize :) ) Your story is so inspiring and I appreciate the way you share your heart with all of us. It seems there has been so much sadness with people and their kids and it just breaks my hearts for all of you. I will continue to remember you in my prayers. One of my favorite quotes out of a baby book the hospital chaplain gave me says:

    Footprints

    How very softly you tiptoed into my world.
    Almost silently, only a moment you stayed.
    But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon my heart.

    Two more that I just love and still make me cry when I read them:

    At unusual times, in unexpected places; the supermarket, the ball game, on the way home from work, my eyes sting and my throat gets tight. And then I know that all I want is YOU.

    I have some things that need to be packed away: blankets, jammies, shirts and one special bear (bunny in your case :) with a music box. But I don’t know how to even begin to pack away all these dreams. What am I to do with the hopes and the plans for all the tomorrows?

    Just remember you are not alone–lots of us are praying for you and we serve a mighty God!!
    Love and prayers
    Joan Crowder
    joangarry@sbcglobal.net

    And so they gave me what they could…they shed a gentle tear

  • Kim Kiehn

    Dear Angie,
    You don’t know me, but I grew up with Greg in my sunday school class from the first grade or thereabout. I have been following your blog for sometime and it has been very inspiring. My husband is a pastor and this week he and I sat in the room of a man that was ready to enter eternity, with his mother at his side. He was 62. As we prayed and prepared to leave, she, at 86, held me close with tears running down her cheeks and said “Oh, I hope you never lose a child. I don’t know what I’ll do. We had so much more to do.” It was the same anguish that I have heard through your writing. And you know,I’m not sure there is a notebook big enough to contain the dreams of a mom for her child.
    We will continue to pray for your family, for Greg and Nicole, and try to minister to Darryl and Vicki, Scott and Angela since they live so close.
    Thank you for your honesty.

  • Anonymous

    Angie shortly after Audrey passed you said there would be link tooo Tom Uchida’s photos of her. Do yall still plan on doing that. we would love to see more of her sweet little face and shre in her moments on earth. Thanks

  • Angela

    Angie, My little girl is in the NICU tonight, she is 8 days old. I miss her so much. She had surgery and is recovering and she’ll be home soon, but I still feel as though I don’t know her yet. I only know bits and pieces of her, which isn’t enough. I want her home.
    I just thought I would say that, I feel some of your pain, it’s really not the same, but your words ring true in my head too. I am so thankful to God for allowing me to have her, even though she isn’t the perfect baby people think she is supposed to be. She’s perfect in God’s eyes. I will learn to see her the way God does. In fact I already have excepted her new life style, I just want her home in my arms. Philippians 4:4-7 helped me on surgery day. I kept repeating it over and over in my head. Psalm 65:5-8 has been helpful too.

  • boutcrazy

    I recently attended the funeral of my cousin’s grandson who died at 2 months old from SIDS. It was the first baby’s funeral that I had ever been to. It was sad to see that little baby laying there, but I knew he was in Jesus’ arms. But what broke my heart was the despair of all of the family. I don’t know all of the personally and I don’t want to judge them, but from what I witnessed that day, they don’t know Jesus as their comforter. That was sadder than anything.
    You have blessed my heart with your honesty and I will continue to lift you and your family up in prayer as I lift my cousin’s family up to my Father for His comfort to surround all of you and to let you all find shelter under His wings.

  • grace

    my sweet sister in the Lord, you bless me with all your sweet words. thanks for not being perfect, for loving a God big enough to walk with you, and for being honest enough to admit your need for Him. Sweet audrey inspired me and i am so grateful for your ongoing walk.

    joining you on the journey

    grace

  • Amanda Rooney

    Dear Sweet Angie,

    I’ve been following Audrey Caroline’s story for several months thru this blog. And I’ve never left a comment, although I feel like I know you – because I certainly know your heart and your Savior. But after reading the post today, I felt the tugging from the Holy Spirit.

    I know that right now the actual pages in your notebook are left empty. But you and I both know that the story didn’t stop. Audrey Caroline came into this world – though for a short time. But her life continues to change the lives of God’s people. Will you allow me to make a sincere suggestion? Would you please consider printing all the comments left on your blog from people who tell you in detail how Audrey has changed their life: how they came to know the Lord, or how they renewed their faith, or how they hold their children tighter, etc. Take those printed pages and glue them in the notebook.

    So, the next time when you come across it (and every time from now until eternity) when you finish the pages of baby names, and to do lists, you will proceed to read all the amazing ways your precious little girl touched the lives of HUNDREDS of people. That is the legacy of Audrey Caroline. Her notebook isn’t left with empty pages. Her notebook isn’t big enough to contain her story…her legacy.

    Praying for you and your family. Know that God Himself wipes away every tear you cry. His mercies are new every morning. Good night my love – my you rest and have seet dreams.

  • Becky

    Angie,
    I read your blog the other night and I did not move for about 2 1/2 hours…I was so amazed…I felt like I was listening to God speak right through your words. I am going with our youth group on a retreat this weekend and I couldn’t help but take the idea of dropping a piece of pottery and then putting it back to together again….to let them know they have to come to God broken and let HIM do a mighty work in them putting them back together again. Thank you for writing about Nicol and Greg and Luke as well, my heart goes out to them and their precious little Summer. They live in our area and I can’t help but think about them everyday. My prayers go out to your whole family. Thank for you for being so honest and transparent – it helps me to see that my GOD is so REAL. You are an amazing writer…and I can’t wait to see how God works in your life…may you be comforted. with love, Becky

  • Mika Edwards

    My daughter Maeghan was healed in heaven on June 1, 2004 and some time later the Lord showed me the empty pages and quickened in my heart that I was now her voice. The Maeghan & Heidi Heart Foundation is now one way I am Maeghan’s voice to fill many pages. I love that you write as I feel it is such a tool of healing. Following Maeghan’s death, my husband and I have lost 5 babies to tubal pregnancies and penning my heartbreak on paper has helped so much. The Lord is my refuge and my strength. He is the source of hope in my life and until I am reunited with my babies He gives them voice through me. The hardest thing He has asked me to do is to live with holes in my heart but His grace truly is sufficient. YOU – Angie are the beautiful voice of Audrey Caroine and I am sure she hears the ballad you are singing for her. prayers & blessings, Mika

  • Amanda

    Keep filling the pages! It may not be the words you had originally hoped to pen, but there are words to write. Praise be to God that Audrey’s life has not ended in nothingness. She lives and she remains to be loved! Keep planning, dreaming, and writing.

  • Michelle

    I picture Audrey smiling down here at earth amazed at the woman God blessed her with as a mommy, you touch my heart!!

  • Gina@Chats With An "Old Lady"

    Our pastor and his wife just celebrated their 40th anniversary and 40 years in ministry. On the day of the party their entire family-kids, grandkids, SEVENTEEN TOTAL-got up early and did a walk for Mothers of Drunk Drivers. One of their daughters was hit by a drunk driver 20 years ago. They all wore matching t-shirts with her name on the back. They still remember. They still miss her. Our pastor still gets choked up when he talks about her in a sermon…It’s been 20 years. The pain has not disappeared, but they have such an incredible testimony and have been used so mightily over the years. I can’t even express in words what these people are like and the way they honor God by how they are still praising HIM inspite of the tragedy they have lived through. Their entire family is a testimony to God’s goodness inspite of what they have endured. It has bonded their family in a special way. I pray that you will experience the same in your life and family. From the things that you write, you are already well on your way to being mightily used by God because of your suffering!

    I truely believe that it is okay to sing “Whatever my lot thou has taught me to say ‘it is well, it is well, with my soul”–and still have tears in your eyes, and still miss your baby, and still wish she were here. God gave you that mother’s love…it doesn’t disappear! Ever!

  • kris

    “For all that has been, thank you.
    For all that is to come, yes”
    ~Dag Hammargkjold~

    I have no words of my own. Just fresh tears, falling for you, falling for all those who have lost, who grieve, who hope.

  • Anonymous

    Hi Angie,

    I read and check your blog all the time but,I never posted before. I felt the need to do so today.You have blest my soul in such a special way with your testimony. You are such an inspiration!

    I, also, wanted you to try to listen to these songs when you have a minute. These songs are by Janet Paschal. “It’s not about now” and, “It won’t rain always” and…the last one “God wil make a way” These songs make think of you. Hope you enjoy these. here’s the link.

    http://www.rhapsody.com/janetpaschal

    God bless you and your family!
    Sarah

  • Laura

    Oh, Angie. I’m crying with you, and still praying much for you and Nicole. As I was reading, my own little one kicked inside me several times and it made your words so much more meaningful to read. For I know not what lies ahead either-none of us do, I guess-but reading your blog has made me say, “I want to know my Savior like this, I want to love Him like this, trust Him like this.” Thank you.

  • Krisy

    Thank you so such an inspiring entry. I am sorry that in order to write these words you are experiencing tremendous pain, but do know that your words are helping many hurting hearts out there.

    I have just been diagnosed with a disease that has changed the rest of my notebook. All the plans I had, all the dreams I’ve dreamt are no longer possible. But tonight I am inspired because I know that the rest of my notebook is not empty. This is not a fatal disease, it just means I’m going to have to let go of the pen and allow God to re-write the rest of my story.

    Thank you for meeting me where I needed to be met.

  • Anonymous

    Asking for prayers for another precious family fighting the battle with T18.

    http://caringbridge.org/visit/babysmurdon

    Every single one of you are always in my prayers.

  • SARAH

    There is a song I kept on my myspace page forever, it’s a country song, “Who you’d be today” by Kenny Chesney. If you haven’t heard it, google it. I think of my Stanford, my angel, when I hear it. He would be 2 this year. I see him in his sisters eyes and when a random musical toy starts to play when no one else is in the room but me, I know he is here. Audrey is there…when a breeze gently blows your hair in a room full of still air, it is Audrey, when you see a butterfly pass over your windshield, she is there. Whisper to her “mommy sees you” and you will feel a gentle kiss. She isn’t gone, you just can’t see her. You can feel her if you stop and just feel!

    Love to your family,

    Sarah – mommy to Angel Stanford 3/23/06 loss at 5 mos pregnant, pProm.
    Our miracle, Kenadie Rose was born 7/25/07 @ 32 wks after 11 years of trying to get one here safely.

  • SARAH

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaN2o_uOF_I

    Here is the video of Who You’d be Today

    The words below…

    Sunny days seem to hurt the most
    Wear the pain like a heavy coat
    I feel you everywhere I go
    I see your smile, I see your face
    I hear you laughing in the rain
    Still can’t believe you’re gone

    Chorus:

    It ain’t fair you died too young
    Like a story that had just begun
    The death tore the pages all away
    God knows how I miss you
    All the hell that I’ve been through
    Just knowing no one could take your place
    Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today

    Would you see the world?
    Would you chase your dreams?
    Settle down with a family?
    I wonder, what would you name your babies?
    Some days the sky’s so blue
    I feel like I can talk to you
    And I know it might sound crazy

    Chorus

    Today, Today, Today
    Today, Today, Today

    Sunny days seem to hurt the most
    I wear the pain like a heavy coat
    The only thing that gives me hope
    Is I know I’ll see you again someday

    Someday, Someday

  • SARAH

    Sorry to be a board hog! I also wanted to say Happy Fathers Day to Todd and offer this poem, many times we forget the fathers after a loss.

    A Poem for Daddy This poem was found online, and the author is unknown.

    It must be very difficult, To be a man in grief. Since “Men don’t cry”; and “Men are strong” No tears can bring relief.

    It must be very difficult To stand up to the test. And field calls & visitors So she can get some rest.

    They always ask if she’s all right And what she’s going through. But seldom do they take his hand and ask, but how are you?

    He hears her crying in the night And thinks his heart will break. He dries her tears and comforts her, But “stays strong” for her sake.

    It must be very difficult to start each day anew, And try to be so very brave, He lost his baby too

  • Tiffany

    I love your new look!!

    I pray for you often. I have not been able to read any updates for a few days as my power and internet have been off! (I live in So. Asia as an M) :) So, instead of being able to read I thought of you daily.

    I do pray that with each day that the Lord holds you and carries you through, your beautiful smile and your “spunk” return for longer periods of time.

    It takes time and mercy from only the One who can give us both. It has been 11 years since I lost twins and 9 years from my 4th baby. It does get easier, the memories get sweeter and the rememberances get a little less sharp (as in painful). Does that make sense?

    Praying for you and your sister-in-law.

    Tiffany VanDyke

  • Cari

    Angie-
    I was listening to an old sermon by John Piper and he gave a quick poem to describe “sustaining grace”. Here it is:
    “Not grace to bar what is not bliss,
    Nor flight from all distress, but this:
    The grace that orders our trouble and pain,
    And then, in the darkness, is there to sustain.”

    I thought of you as I heard it and am praying that God’s grace is sustaining you even in the darkness.
    God bless,
    Cari (friend of Dan Fine’s)

  • Amy

    I can’t wait to find out how God is going to fill in those pages Angie. Thanks for sharing Audrey, Luke and others with us.

  • Julie

    Angie,

    I only know you through reading your blogs, but I consider you a friend. The reason is very clear, friends encourage each other. I hope my words can do the same for you as you have done for me. In you last blog, you said one of the hardest parts of losing Audrey was that you want to know the person she would have become. God’s plan was not for her to grow and become a mother, wife, doctor, lawyer, singer like daddy. His perfect plan for what she was to become is shown to you every day. She is a voice for God through you, touching the lives of so many that may not have known God before she was born. Every time you blog, people are completely moved by your words, and your experience beacuse of precious Audrey. So every time you get a letter, an email, or people leave you comments on your blogs, God shows you what he His plan was for Audrey. This is what he meant for her to become. You said on the video a while back that you and your husband did about how all of this has changed your lives. You said that you don’t think there is a plan b with God. Your short time with Audrey was his only plan. I can’t imagine your pain and loss, but God knew all of your feelings before you got the heartbreaking news about your baby. He will continue to listen to your hurts and questions. He is still God, and he makes no mistakes!!! Yes you will have your Audrey again, and what a sweet reunion that will be with her and your other loved ones. Until then, keep looking to God. He will hold you and bottles up every tear you cry. I do believe he cries with you. Remember that the plans he has for all of us is for a future and HOPE! He never wants to bring us harm. Hold on to the hope and keep on sharing with everyone!

    I love you girl!!!
    Julie G.
    georgepartyoffive.blogspot.com
    georgebrdly1@aol.com

  • Hopesrising

    Love the new look and your post the Notebook.
    Two weeks ago my daughter called me *Saying mom I think I am having a miscarriage.* I thought Please God No. As I rushed to be with her.
    She indeed did miscarry sadly.Its hard to watch from a moms view how our kids suffer and struggle.
    The only thing I can…compare it to is after my third child. I had so many problems I had emergency surgery for problems and could have no more children. I felt just totally crushed although I was alive had my baby here and safe. There would be no more. That was a horrible feeling. So I always wondered why. I hold on to thinking it was part of God”s plan.

    About that notebook. I am betting those pages fill up when your ready.

    Reading has helped me in so many ways the past few weeks. As I go though my daughters sorrow with her. I know God is always with us. Your story reminds of that.

    Thank you for sharing yourself and your story. Believe me the pleasure is all mine.

  • Vera

    All I can say is that (1) you have changed my life and (2) I will NEVER forget sweet Audrey Caroline.

  • Catherine Clare

    Angie,
    I was given the link to your story just a few weeks ago…actually the morning you posted about baby Luke. The first blog entry I read was about you breaking the pitcher and putting all the pieces back together. Right away I knew I had to read your entire story, so I did…beginning to the present and I have checked it everyday since. You have become such an inspiration to me. You make me want to be a better person (not that I am a bad person, but just sometimes busy for the stuff that really matters). I have gone through the loss of a baby during pregnancy and the loss of my little brother to a car accident. I related to you right away but I have never admired myself for the bravery and the peace with God like you do. You have really touched my life and deep down into my soul. I will continue to follow your story and I invite you to look into mine…I am just getting started as a blogger! ccwhill.blogspot.com
    Thanks for your inspiration,
    Catherine Clare

  • Anonymous

    you are a sweet lady and you have a sweet family. You have amazing faith. I am praying for you and your family. Your words always give me the lift I need when I feel like things are to much for me, you have a true testimony that hopefully will reach some loss souls, that come across your blog.

  • Robin

    Hey Angie – I appreciate your vunerability – I’m glad you’re working thru this with God – it would be so easy to be angry and let the anger grow into bitterness and unforgiveness. But you are taking your anger and laying it at the feet of the one who loves us SO much.

    Friend of mine lost her parents w/in 6 months of each other and at her mother’s funeral, the pastor said something that I’m still trying to unpack and understand. He said that part of the reason death hurts so deeply is that we weren’t originally made for death-we were made for for life. But sin changed all that and death, while inevitable, goes against the way we were made – in God’s image. So I can imagine that God hurts for us, too–when we die and when we grieve for those who’ve left us.

    I know that He is honored by how you are going thru this with Him and I am praying for you. Thank you for being faithful and open to share. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Robin Eggen
    robinegg@flash.net

  • Erin

    Angie, I spent the better part of today reading your entire blog. A sweet sister in christ told me about you and I have never been more consumed with a story. I am a new mother of a sweet baby girl (my own Abby) and I cried many tears reading your story. I can not even begin to imagine what you have been through with your beautiful Audrey. You are such an example of strength in Christ to me. My husband is in the Air Force and is currently on his second deployment since Abby was born. I try to stay strong, but still find myself throwing pity parties every now and then. Reading your story has certainly put some things in perspective for me. My life is full of such blessings, and so often, I take them for granted. I thank you for taking the time to keep the world updated on your life and I truly thank you for being so open and frank in your entries. I truly feel as though I know you. I can’t wait until we meet someday because you will certainly be hugged by me! You have been so honest in your converstaions with God and I find that to be inspirational and convicting to me. It has helped me to realize that I don’t talk to God enough about everything throughout my day. Your family will be in my prayers tonight. By the way…you could turn this blog into a book and it would be a bestseller, guaranteed!!! (just a thought)

  • ThomasFamily4

    Thank you for opening your heart for others. I have been reading your blog for a while and am inspired by your faith. Last night, we had a little girl (2years old) named Abby that drowned in their family pool. I am going to direct her to your site and hope that she can find comfort and remember that the same Jesus is here today. In His Grip,
    Molly

  • gracie :)

    Today I walked into the NICU where our precious son lived his short 9 weeks on earth. There were familiar faces to greet, nurses who have become friends to hug and catch up on life, many smiles and warm feelings. As we drove away, your words struck a cord in my heart. I want it back. Just for a few minutes I want to remember what it was like to see my son living and breathing. Three years have passed, and time has a way of distancing the memories. But I never want to forget. Somehow amid all the joy of seeing those precious people again, there was not the time to relish in the memories of my Drewbaby. And all day, I’ve been sorry I missed that. Thank you for sharing your heart. It helps those of us who are still grieving a loss to work through the emotions once again, like a deep massage works out the knots. I’ve found the only path to healing is through the tears that are shed, and sometimes I bottle mine up for too long. You never “get over” a loss like this, but it does become a more natural part of life, the scars living to tell the story of remembrance, of hope, of faith. Thank you for allowing the rest of us to experience the pain alongside you.

  • Melissa

    I love to read what you write. Your words have inspired me to change my relationship with God. I just can’t explain it. Thank you…:)

  • Family by Love

    Angie,
    Thank you for sharing with us. Many times we do not see or understand God’s plan in difficult times. Yet He uses those times to draw us and sometimes others closer to Him.
    Ruth

  • Anonymous

    HELLO ANGIE, I’VE BEEN READING YOUR BLOG FOR AWILE NEVER COMMENTED THOUGH. I TOO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL I LOST MY BABY GIRL 08-09-07 AT 39 WEEKS PREGNANT. I HAD AN INFECTION IN MY UTERUS WHICH CAUSED HER TO HAVE SEVERAL BOWEL MOVEMENTS WHICH THEN SUFFOCATED HER. I MISS MY LITTLE ONE EVERYDAY. I DON’T KNOW YOU PERSONALY BUT I DO KNOW WHAT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AS WELL AS YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW ARE GOING THROUGH JUST KNOW THAT I AM PRAYING FOR YOU ALL….GOD BLESS.

    TIFFANY

  • Mackenzie’s Forever Family

    While reading the first couple paragraphs of this post, I knew what I wanted to say in my comment, but I kept scrolling and reading, reading and scrolling and then there it was….”The pages won’t stay empty forever.”

    That was my comment, seems as though you’ve already realized this so I’ll leave it at that.

    I will add though, you’ve just lost a child, if you want to buy an expensive purse, I think it’s deserved. If you want to give it to charity, I think that’s great. We as Christians don’t judge you, we just love you and my dear, sweet sister in Christ, I do love you and your big, beautiful heart.

    Megan

  • Kylie

    Beth Moore says things far better than I ever could- from Feather’s From my Nest, Chpt. 3: “I will never forget the jolt that tore through my soul with our son’s departure. We had raised a close relatives’ son as our own for seven years, never realizing that God would plan for him to reenter his birth mother’s life and home at age eleven. I threw my hands over my heart and fought like a Trojan not to give way to it. God gently pulled my hands away and said, ‘My child, go ahead and feel it. The pain will not kill you. It will be a reminder that you are very much alive, engaged, and that you loved with abandon. That was your primary assignment. Your present pain proved you did it.’”
    Thank you, Angie for sharing your life with us, for sharing your love for Audrey. I love you as my sister in Christ and I love your Audrey.

  • Celie

    Dear one God is filling those pages and will use you to fulfill his purpose. You have showed us that desire you have to delight your Lord God your Redeemer King. I in a e-mail told you of having children God holds tightly. I lost my first baby to miscarriage at 3 and half months. I so well can remember the day my baby son Troy said to me after God had called him to preach. Mom you most likely would not have had me if your first baby had lived. He was most likely right I had very hard pregnancy, threatening the lose the baby, as well as very sick the whole pregnancy. You dear one God has chosen to be the voice of Audrey, such a privilege. Angie you honor Audrey well with the voice through your pin and minister to so many. God is through your allowing, giving the gospel and comfort to so many.Press on dear one. Loving from a far, praying, praising Celie

  • Kristen

    the pain that you and your family is going through breaks my heart, and I pray for you and think of you often…….I know that God has used you and your story to work in me, thank you for sharing it with us all! we love you and are praying for you and for Luke’s family as well.

  • Jessica Kirk

    We lost our Zach only 6 weeks ago and I know that pain the tears that are hard to shed because they hurt so much (www.thekirksathens.blgspot.com)

  • Diana

    I have no idea what you are going through but I read your posts and my heart is breaks for you. You do have a gift for writing and I honestly feel God is leading your to help others. Your writing is amazing.
    I am praying for you and your sister in law.

  • Lorri

    Dear Angie…I have a very different grief than yours and yet I see so many similar and familiars steps in our journies. I had just finished my first 9 months with cancer and am a mommy like you. I’m sharing this because something special happened tonight. It was the first time I got to bring a meal to another family who was hurting and struck by my same arrow.

    I hold out hope to you that their are days ahead when your sorrow with burst forth and transform into healing for others whom share your pain. And it will bring you great joy as God’s daughter. Even now, in these early days Angie, your transparency and faith is feeding and blessing others who are hurting and in greif.

    Bless you for your willingness to publically share your private journey and for allowing God to bring glory in your brokeness.

    With love and compassion, Lorri

  • Misty Baniewicz

    Okay you share a lot of personal hurt in your words and I sit here often with tears rolling down my face as I barely can read what I type.

    I often feel like I hurt as much as you and other mommies out there for your losses, and I realize “gosh if I hurt this bad when it isn’t even my situation, I couldn’t imagine what kind of hurt you actually feel”.

    As I type here tonight and taking a glance now and then over to the monitor of my 8 week old baby girl Morgan Paige. I find myself angry.

    I am angry because I had a bad day with my husband and we said a lot of hurtful words (awful words) as one of us is holding her though out the day and as the arguments and fight continued. I tell him I want out, how unhappy I am and yes at that time it seems that is what I want, but I know tomorrow, a week or month from now I don’t want to be alone and have empty pages in my notebook.

    We fight over things and I often think that my emotions are coming from exhaustion because i am with the baby 24/7 with no break. I probably haven’t had more than 10 hours of a break in the 2 months I have had her. Then I wonder if I too feel a bit depressed from all of these sad stories. I feel like I feel so much for people and every day I read something sad and heartbreaking that it is affecting my day to day life. I just want to take all the hurt away from everyone. It can make one feel so helpless.

    Then I read your blog (almost every day) and then I get angry at myself and feel this horrible amount of guilt. I rather be exhausted and never have a break than to have the forever break and never see my daughter again. I have to admit that I check on her more and more (than usual) it seems because I have anxiety about losing her.

    Sometimes I feel so confused about what my purpose is. I know God has a plan and a purpose for me but I just can’t seem to find it. I feel so little next to you and the other women who have lost their children. I wish I could be as brave and strong and do something amazing for others than to pick fights with my husband because the baby cries when he holds her or he warmed the bottle too hot. It still beats being a single parent, which I was with my son for 6 years.

    I know this is probably even selfish of me to be writing you this tonight as if you don’t have enough on your plate.

    I guess the point I wanted to get across is that I feel that part of my heart is your heart. I check just about every day your blog…. I use it as a constant reminder to be a better person, mother, wife etc. I wished I would have read your blog before going to bed last night or even this morning and maybe I would have thought twice before fighting with my husband and saying all the hurtful things I said to him and him in return.

    I think I will go write him an apology letter while he sleeps and start his Father’s Day (his first fathers day too) on a better foot.

    You are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers…. On nights like last night (for you) I too wish I could be there to hug you and wipe a tear from your face. So tonight as I hope you are sound a sleep and didn’t shed a tear…. I will shed the tears for you. I will talk to Audrey and God for you. I will tell Audrey what a lucky little angel she is to have had you as her mama. I will ask her to blow kisses down and to move the moon over just in the right spot so it can glow on your face. As Audrey sits on Gods lap, and he tells her stories and pushes over her soft little hair…. I will ask him to soften that hole and pain in your heart a little more each day.

    Before I go how is your brother and sister-in-law doing? How about Sarah from Texas? I am from Texas and will fly there on Monday.

    May tonight your heart be at peace and your mind at rest.

    From your sister in Christ.

    PS: LOVE THE NEW LOOK (blog)!!!

  • Anonymous

    Angie’
    I just wanted to say that I loved the idea from a previous comment to put some of these comments in a book to fill the “empty pages” (even if you start a new notebook if you do not want to write in this special one).

    Also, to misty who left the last comment. Someone once told me when I was going through a problem and I said that people have so much worse things to deal with that just because your problem is not “as” bad does not mean that you do not still hurt. I will pray for you and your marriage tonight.
    Angie-this is exactly the kind of thing that Audrey’s legacy will be. People who would otherwise not know each other connecting and praying for one another. I hope some day I can leave such a legacy.
    That said: I do not mean to minimalize your pain and grief. You still are allowed to miss her terribly. I again will continue to pray for you,Todd, Abby, Ellie and Kate tonight as well as for Nicol and Greg and Summer.

    Sue

  • Anonymous

    hello angie,
    i came upon this beautiful blog a few weeks ago and i prayed for you and your family. i’m not even christian… i would like you to know that i grieved for you and i cried with you. my best friend is 27 weeks pregnant with a daughter, isabel. she is only 17 and got pregnant without being married. isabel has a heart problem and her heart beat is usually between 50-90. the doctor says she has heart failure and will need surgery right at birth. she doesn’t move much in my friend’s belly and the doctor says she will need a pacemaker at birth and my friend will be delivered out of town because we have no heart surgeons in my town. my friend is a christian girl that fell in love with a not so good guy. i’ve gone to all her appointments with her but i don’t know how else to help her. i’ve been reading your blog so much lately because i am really scared for my friend. my question to you, if you can help me is do you think God listens to me because i haven’t been the best person? o love my friend and i love isabel so much but i don’t know what to do. can God help us too?

  • Mom 4 Life

    Thank you for your words, the feel so true to what I feel as well as I miss Sawyer. Your notebook is being filled and I hate that it is not the ending you had imagined but the words are beautiful and your example is helping more people than i am sure you can imagine (including me). Thank you God for finding Angie to be a beautiful vessel worthy of bringing your story to so many.
    Love, Heather

  • Aunt Rhody

    First of all, I do love the New Look on the blog. Secondly, I bless you with all the good gifts, purses included, that God has for you. He loves you very much and wants to give you good gifts because you don’t hold too tightly to them. And thirdly, I haven’t commented for days because my dear Daddy died yesterday. I had all my thoughts and feelings in my blog, where the final post was published and then the entire blog showed an error and it deleted. So, I have “empty pages” as well. But I refuse to have empty places–because His Spirit is all the fullness I need. And He is all you need. And as we come to know one another and function completely in the Body, our love will grow deeper and deeper still. I understand so much of what you are saying and feeling, and your writing touches me deeply. Thank you sweet sister.

  • Jodie

    Oh, Angie.

    I cannot imagine your pain, and it breaks my heart to even try. I am so thankful that the Lord continues to give you the faith and the grace to keep crying out to Him. How I long to sit with you and cry, and pray, hug you…just be there for you or help in any way that I can! Though we’ve not met in person, you are my sister in Christ and I love you dearly.

    I will continue to pray. Thank you for sharing your heart, please continue to do so. May His peace pass all understanding for you today.

    Much love in Christ,
    Jodie

  • Kristin

    I’m trying to get my words together for an email I plan to send you soon… But until then, I want you to know that your words are life-changing to me… Really. God is using your words and Audrey’s story to change my life. Thank you for writing from your heart and sharing all that you do. You make me brave.

  • Ellie

    Hi Angie,

    I love your blogs new look – very pretty.

    We lost my dad 5 years ago and I often think about how my mom has shared her grief that she and my father “had so many plans . . . ” seeing those blank pages and unfulfilled dreams is such a deep ache – may God himself finish his work and bring the peace that passes all understanding.

    praying for you,

    Ellie

  • su

    Angie,
    Your grief is so healthy. To tell God that you want them back is so right on. I’m so proud of you. Of course you have to keep living and have good moments with your other girls but if your over-riding emotion is grief, I think that is very normal.
    We have heard so often that time heals, but it really doesn’t. Only God heals. So keep doing what you’re doing. And know that there’s a bunch of us out here cheering you on.

  • kim

    Dearest Angie,
    I just want you to know how much you inspire me, and how much you are loved. I’ve been reading your blog from the beginning, and have cried (and laughed!) right along with you, along the way.
    This post has really touched me, in the middle of an emotional weekend. I can’t understand the feeling of losing a baby, but somehow I can relate to your grief, due to other losses. I loved the whole analogy of empty pages in a journal; the emptiness, the ache of longing for something that never can be. Sometimes our [God-given] emotions can be hard to deal with, and quite often I wonder why He gives us the ‘crosses to bear’ that He does. But like another reader commented, sometimes “Why?” is not the wisest question to ask.

    Instead, I aspire to seek out the Lord for comfort. We need to simply say to God, “Lord, please hold me now. I desperately NEED to feel your loving arms around me. Fill the void in my heart, the ache, the longing, with YOU. Take the pain and turn it into something that will glorify You.” And then I cry through the pain, and wait on the Lord, and trust Him to be faithful to his daughter. He always is.

    You are an amazing woman Angie, in your writing, your walk with the Lord, and the transparancy with which you write. Thank you so much for simply being you, and being obedient to Him. I have grown so much closer to God, simply by coming here and reading. Thank you, my dear friend, for being yourself, and sharing your thoughts with your great big family of online girlfriens!

    Blessings,
    ~kim

  • Runningamuck

    The way God is working through you is amazing. Not just working “on” you but teaching the rest of us through your own lessons. Because of reading your blog, I picked up “God of All Comfort” by Hannah Whitall Smith and I’m learning so much from her wisdom. (She too had lost a child)

    Thank you again for your transparency and willingness to share each painful, stretching, heart-rendering moment with the rest of us. Some of us, like me, haven’t experienced such an earthly devastation but even we can gain wisdom and insight from the things God is teaching you.

    Thank you.

  • Tonia

    We just lost our 2 year old unexpectedly last month. Thank you so much for your blog. It’s nice to be able to come to a place where someone does know what you’re going through. People who haven’t gone through it mean well with the things they say, but sometimes I wish they wouldn’t say anything at all but I’m sorry.
    I don’t mean this badly, but people saying “He’s in a better place” or “He’s better off now” doesn’t make things easier. I know they mean well, I really do. I know that he is in a better place, I know he’s with the Lord, but it still hurts to go into his empty bedroom, to pack away the clothes he’s worn, to see the toys he never got to play with. It’s hard.
    I’m thankful for you and the gift that God has given you to minister to us through this blog. You are wonderful.

  • Anonymous

    Happy Dadd’s day to Todd!

    Lots of love to all of you!

    amy
    amy@philippians121.com

  • Jenna

    Angie, I have been away from my computer for a few days and came to catch up with your posts. :) Firstly, the new blog design is really is SO gorgeous. I absolutely love it.

    This post is so beautiful, and it breaks my heart and lifts my spirits in the exact same moment. Thank you for sharing your heart. I can’t imagine what how much your words mean to someone going through the same thing–I know how much they mean to me even though I have not walked the path your family is on. But I worship the same God, and I am continuously praying to Him on y’all’s behalf. Love, Jenna

  • Anonymous

    I have not lost an “actual”child, just 5 years of infertility and months of losses. I have never felt the life growing inside my body. But I have felt the pain of each loss. So I do feel your pain. We have been blessed with two beautiful children now through adoption.

    I read your post today and one line stuck in my head.

    “The pages won’t stay empty forever. They will be written in honor of Audrey, and in honor of Luke. They will be written for every baby that has left this earth before mommy could tuck her in.”

    I wonder if you have thought of starting a foundation in honor of Audrey. I was thinking it could focus on those who have a sudden loss who can not afford to properly “tuck their child in”.

    Kelli

  • Anonymous

    I have not lost an “actual”child, just 5 years of infertility and months of losses. I have never felt the life growing inside my body. But I have felt the pain of each loss. We have been blessed with two beautiful children now through adoption.

    I read your post today and one line stuck in my head.

    “The pages won’t stay empty forever. They will be written in honor of Audrey, and in honor of Luke. They will be written for every baby that has left this earth before mommy could tuck her in.”

    I wonder if you have thought of starting a foundation in honor of Audrey. I was thinking it could focus on those who have a sudden loss who can not afford to properly “tuck their child in”.

    Kelli

  • Kelli

    I have not lost an “actual”child, just 5 years of infertility and months of losses. I have never felt the life growing inside my body. But I have felt the pain of each loss. We have been blessed with two beautiful children now through adoption.

    I read your post today and one line stuck in my head.

    “The pages won’t stay empty forever. They will be written in honor of Audrey, and in honor of Luke. They will be written for every baby that has left this earth before mommy could tuck her in.”

    I wonder if you have thought of starting a foundation in honor of Audrey. I was thinking it could focus on those who have a sudden loss who can not afford to properly “tuck their child in”.

    Kelli

  • Elaine

    25 years and 11 months ago from today, I gave birth to Scotty. He died in my 26th or 27th week. He had an abnormality of his lung tissue. From the time I first felt him move, I knew in my heart there was something wrong and talked with the doctor, who was reassuring. About week 20, I was showering when I felt God clearly tell me “You are not going to bring this one home.” My knees buckled and when I was dried off I went to the nursery where little blankets were folded in stacks along with some newborn clothes my 18 month old had worn. I sat in the rocking chair and sobbed. As I went about my daily life for the next six or seven week, I begged God daily to let me have this baby to raise. On July 8th, 1981, I felt Scotty’s last movement, which of course I only knew in retrospect. Later that day, I realized I had not felt the baby move, I tried all the tricks and no movement. The next morning, I went to the doctor and there was no heartbeat to be heard. An ultrasound confirmed the heart was still. I sobbed uncontrollably for hours as I tried to imagine my world without this baby. The next day, the peace of God that passes all understanding descended on me for 8 days. I was calm. I comforted those who came to comfort me. I delivered my little boy and as I held him I whispered “I would have loved you with all my heart.” while the doctor and nurses shed tears. I told everyone that God was my ever present help in times of trouble. I prayed that God would be palpably visible to the hospital staff. I went home dry-eyed, feeling hollow and empty and numb. The day came, as you well know, when the season of that grace lifted and the time came for the work of grief to begin. As I emptied my maternity clothes onto the floor for sorting before washing, I fell in a heap on the floor on top of them and thought I would never arise. I begged to go to be with Scotty while I knew that I could not because my precious David still needed his mother. A flood gate of tears and raw, painful grief opened that day and I thought it would never shut off. I cried in front of the postman as he delivered sympathy cards. I cried in the grocery. I cried while I pushed my son in his stroller around and around and around the block because I could not face that house with the blankies and the crib. I cried at my six week check up and when the doctor prescribed counseling, I cried some more. The times between crying became longer but I never knew when I would dissolve into tears. I went to a women’s retreat…a woman I did not know and who did not know my story followed me onto the elevator one afternoon and said “I believe the Lord wants me to tell you that your tears are forming a well that others will come to drink from during their time in the desert (as close as I can recall it now anyway).” Her words did not stop the tears from coming in the weeks ahead but I felt soothed by them and tried to believe that all that pain and crying was actually accomplishing something. I am stunned to find how many years it has been now, but those words were true. God carved out a deep place inside of me and it did become a well, by His grace, for others to come to and drink. God made a woman out of me that I could never have been had I not been Scotty’s mother. I have had the privilege of comforting women who have experienced the loss of their baby…whether it was the death of their baby or whether it was the death of the dream of who their baby would be (I am an occupational therapist who has provided services to very ill and physically challenged infants and young children). Every time I tap into that well now, it still hurts a little, but in a sweet kind of way. Scotty’s face floats before me and I thank God for the gift of his little life and how he helped me become who I am today. Your bravery, Angie, in sharing your journey, has already been a well for others to drink from–including me. I pray for you and all those who have come to share their story here at this space…it has truly become a healing well.

  • Stephanie

    Angie,

    I just want to thank you for pouring your heart out to us and for sharing this journey with so many. You have blessed my heart, even in your grief, and you have made much of Jesus through this blog. My heart aches too, for the baby I couldn’t hold. I don’t know your pain, but I know mine. You are a sweet, sweet sister in Christ and I feel like I know you so well because you’ve shared your heart with us. I continue to lift you and your family up before the Lord, asking Him to wash you with peace and tenderly care for your wounds. I am so grateful for the hope of Heaven tonight, and I am clinging to the reminder that this world is not our home… you’ll have your Audrey back one day and she’ll have her Mom back too. We love you sweet friend. Keep pouring it out to Jesus…

  • HK

    Ah, there is an innocence and a simple beauty in an old notebook or dayplanner. You faithfully fill it with your own plans for the future, with no concept of what God is about to drop into your lap! And yet, we should never stop dreaming, planning. Start a new notebook, different topic. Rest in His grace.
    Hugs.
    And thank you for sharing your story.

  • Ter

    Dear Angie,

    Just the other day I came across the journal I started when I found out I was pregnant.

    It too, has too many empty pages at the end…

    I skimmed through the last entry with tears in my eyes… and I noticed that I was pleading with my little girl to be ok…

    *sigh*

  • Anonymous

    Sometimes, when I start missing my son and wondering what he would have become, the Lord reminds me that I fulfilled his purpose. God knows the end from the beginning, and He knew that my little baby would not be mine to keep but was always intended to go home and be with the Lord earlier than I could have ever wanted. But my son did teach me that the Lord is always in control and loves me through every situation.
    God Bless you,
    April

  • One Beloved Sister

    Angie, you have such a sweet way of expressing your heart. It is truly a gift. I have been visiting and reading your blog for a few months now, and I’ve wept with you and your family over Audrey and Luke. Know that many, many prayers are sent to Jesus for you.

  • Anonymous

    http://sheyerosemeyer.blogspot.com/

    a great website with wonderful pictures of a mom celebrating (and mourning) her lost daughter

  • Heidi

    I am praying for both of your families. I lost my niece almost five years ago so I have a small idea what it’s like. I will pray that God’s peace is upon you and that he reminds you of his love and faithfulness. Even when we don’t understand why, he does and he promises in Jeremiah that his plans are to prosper us and not to harm us.
    God Bless,

    Heidi

  • Stephanie

    I hope that Todd is having a blessed Father’s Day with his girls. Still praying for you all!

  • Leigh Ann

    You have a remarkable way of writing truth mixed with raw emotion. God Bless You as you have used and continue to use a gift God’s given you to minister to others. We will exalt him!

  • Jenni Saake

    Angie, thank you for continuing to share your heart and such beautiful word pictures (the broken pitcher, the empty notebook…) I am sorry this journey hurts so much! All the more amazing that God chose to know the death of His Child for us!

    Your blog “facelift” is beautiful. {{{hugs}}}

    Jenni Saake
    Mommy to 3 on earth and Noel, Joel and Hannah in Heaven
    http://www.HannahsHopeBook.com

  • Jennifer Lee

    I want you to know that you are such an inspiration to me. You are showing God’s love and mercy to everyone who reads your blog. I pray that He touches you the way your words touch me.

  • Robin

    Dear Angie,

    You are such a gift to this world. I have had a heart time dealing with God’s decisions in my life lately and what he has planned for me. In some ways I have lost my way. You are an inspiration and completely honest. I pray for you every day that you continue to have the strength to honor Audrey and to be a wonderful Mommy to your girls. Thank you for showing your kind heart and devoted soul to all of us.

    reegopack@live.com

  • Kelsey

    Your words are moving, and inspiring. And I know you’ve been told that countless times. I appreciate your authenticity here, and I continue to read your blog, pray for your family, and find encouragement all at the same time.

    Thanks for always sharing your heart.

  • Lisa

    After experiencing 3 miscarriages, I know what it’s like to always wonder what would my children be doing now. I still go through the “I want them back” stage. The anniversary of my miscarriage of Michael is coming up. It brings in a whole new season of dealing with “empty pages”. I wish I had some words of comfort, but all I can give are my prayers. You have those continually.

  • Anonymous

    Dear Angie, I wanted to write something profound, something that would make sense-but, I cannot do that-sensible words won’t flow from my fingers. After three years of infertility I gave birth to a beautiful and brillian daughter. Followed by a spontaneous pregnancy which ended in miscarriage. Then we tried again through ferility treatments and became pregnant with twins-who were born at 24 weeks-and came home healthy 9 1/2 weeks later. One of my twins passed away 3 weeks later (in my arms) to SIDS. His twin brother was diagnosed with myocarditis and was in CICU for 2 weeks starting the night Dominic passed. Three years later I miscarried again. My heart aches all the time-yet people are amazed at my “strength and ability to carry on”. I have to say I am amazed at your strength-I know no other people in my community who have lost children-but, I know our angels above are watching us and guiding us-loving us and holding us. Colleen

  • Anonymous

    Angie, I have never left a comment but read your blog often. I almost don’t want to write this, but the Lord put it on my heart to tell you this…. Audrey’s life was NEVER MEANT to be longer than it was. She never missed anything because that is the exact amount of time she was destined to be on this earth… no more… no less. Don’t cry for what she would have become… she was exactly what she was supposed to be….

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • CG, E3 & Sons

    Angie,

    I have been reading through your blog and Audrey’s story for awhile now, but haven’t yet joined the (hundreds and hundreds of!) commenters because I didn’t quite know where to start.

    I cannot visit your blog without crying. I have never experienced anything like the loss that you have, and it moves me greatly. But more significantly than my imagining being in your situation, it is the things you write that are what impacts me. Your words have encouraged and challenged me more than most things I have read in my life… you are so humble, loving, gentle, open, faithful, honest, and beautiful, despite (or because of??) everything you are going through. I admire you so much – the way you take this journey, the faith you have in God’s purposes through it all, the honest way you share it so that others can be impacted… so many beautiful qualities.

    From the number of people who comment here and visit here, I can see what a tremendous impact you, and Audrey are having on the world. I am encouraged to see God’s purpose in this, and thank you for that.

    - CG.

  • Alysa

    Thank you for posting this. I come across my old pregnancy journal sometimes and it is so hard to see the first part of it filled out in such detail…in such anticipation. I was such a nerd, going by the book, checking off each food group each day, making sure I was eating healthy. All the excitement, all the hope…It is hard to see the empty pages. So many of them. I feel what you feel–asking God to bring them back, crying for the time we can’t spend with our baby.

    Angie, I don’t know you yet, but I love you and I am praying for you. Please keep sharing…

  • K.R.Brownlee

    Oh Angie…I pray for you.
    I do understand. I found the pregnancy test I took when I found out I was pregnant . I miscarried 2.5 months ago now…and I just found the notebook I wrote in the night the test turned out positive. I remember calling my sister(s) and being so ecstatic. And often times the hurt is not so much that hes gone, but that I wont get to experience what he would’ve been.
    Im sure you know by the many responses that there are people praying for you. Hope it means something to know I am too. : )

  • Breanne Vasquez

    My friend had a link to you story on blog. I followed it and found an amazing thing. We are all blessed by what you write. I can not comprehend how you feel. I myself have had four miscarriages and it very hard to do with just that. My sister lost her son right before his second birthday. It has been a few years now. There story might help. http://kaseyewing.blogspot.com/ , http://theewingfam.com/home.html

    Your family is in my prayers. Breanne Vasquez
    http://brevasquez.blogspot.com/

  • The Beaver Bunch

    Angie,
    Almost a week ago my life was changed forever by a sweet baby boy. My husband and I accepted our first foster child into our home. He is the sweetest thing. I read your post and I’d like to offer you this:

    My Sweet Baby “D” also has empty pages, but his are at the beginning of his notebook. The first 4 days of his life are unknown to me. As I attempt to mother this little boy, I think about the things I will never know, much like your situation with Audrey.

    Although your notebook appears empty, think about the things that are being written in it by God. Sometimes when we can’t see His writing, that’s when He’s working the most. Like a song I heard in church almost a year ago, “When you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart.” Although you can’t trace what He has written in Audrey’s notebook, you can trust His heart. Sending prayers and hugs your way!

  • Lauren

    After reading this, I went to my son Dawson’s “memory box”, where I keep special outfits and things for him to look back on when he’s older. Since he’s only 5 months old, there’s not a lot in there. The outfit he came home in, his hospital blanket and hat, even the band-aids from his first shot (questionably gross, but I’m a little obsessed), and also the notebook I kept lists of things I needed to do to get ready for him. There is also a list of things I took to the hospital. The only thing I had crossed off on this was “thank-you cards.” I wanted to give one to each nurse that helped me, each friend or loved one that came to visit. Now, I wish I could send one to you. You remind me daily, and ever so tearfully, how blessed God has made me. Rest assured I will tell Dawson about Audrey Caroline.

  • It’s a God Thing

    There is a special little boy, Eliot Mooney, that I think you would be very interested in reading about. His story touched my heart tremendously when I first watched a video documentary detailing his 99 days on this earth. You can find the video on my blog (or on YouTube if you search “99 Balloons”), and here’s the link to his parents’ website: http://mattandginny.blogspot.com/. I hope it blesses you to see this, but you’re going to need to be prepared before you watch it. I hope and pray that God continues to heal your heart and bring you closer to Him. Thank you for keeping this blog – I’m going to add it to my Favorites. Your struggles have touched my heart and I am so very sorry for your loss.

    Your Sister In Christ,
    M.D.
    “It’s A God Thing”
    http://thegodletters.blogspot.com/

  • Gourley Family

    I feel like leaving a comment here is likened to placing a sea shell amongst all the other shells on the shore, but I could not help but place that shell and just say thank-you for your words. They inspire and uplift, and bring some sense to this crazy world. My angels taught me 4 very important lessons. Lilly taught me the importance of family, and understanding that we do are on God’s timing. Ryker taught me patience, and that we must be close to God, because he will take care of us, and understand us when truly no one else does. Anyways, thank-you.
    Emily Gourley

  • Michelle Bentham

    Angie,

    The heart breaking anguish in your post undoes me. I can tell you that the pages won’t stay empty forever – you are actually filling them as we speak. You are writing out the journey of your faith through extreme loss and pain, and in doing so the legacy of Audrey Caroline will be lived out in the faith and truth of her parents, her family and all those who are touched by the poignant remembrance of her young life.

    Mary was flesh and blood just like you and I. She was not divine or remarkably resilient compared to mothers of this day and age – she was young, she was a mother and she was so devoted to her child she treasured and pondered the things of His life in her heart many times over. She is just like you and I.

    God allowed Mary to lose her Son so we could relate not only to the redemption of Christ’s sacrifice, but also so in these moments of a Mother’s great despair over losing her child we would remember that God always counts the cost.

    Mary, though she knew Jesus arose as the Son of God and ascended to heaven still had to live the remaining days of her life without her Son by her side. She had to make the choice we all must make. Will we leave behind a legacy that only lends itself to our grief as a martyr in our faith or will we choose as Mary did and live out a legacy that honors not only our God, but also the children that went Home to Him early and now await us in Heaven in the safest keeping there is. Mary chose to live on in a legacy of faith, just as you are doing – you are an inspiration and a beautiful picture of God’s redemption of our sorrows.

    It is early yet, your grief is so new. There will likely be many more days of doubt, pain, anger and a muddled up mixture of emotions that leave you feeling drained of hope, of joy, of anything that might resemble life. And Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 (NIV)

    Be still, my friend, and know that He is God. Praise Him through the storm, and allow Him to show you the rainbow that comes after He brings on the rain. My heart is with you and my heart beats as a mother who misses her child, just as yours does. Bless You.

  • kjoy

    Angie, I read every post but I don’t always comment. In this one you said that you just wanted to know who Audrey would have grown up to become… and I’m sure you already know this, but I just want to remind you that she was never “going to grow up.” God had planned every moment of her two-hour life before she was yet in the womb, and He has worked through the situation in the perfect way that He always meant to. As hard as it is to understand, it helps me to know that God was never thwarted by genetics, syndromes, environments, or even evil forces–His reign is supreme and He has worked everything to satisfy His own purposes, though as of yet they are hidden to us. I hope you can find comfort in the greatness of God who maintains & sustains His whole creation though each breath it takes. He gives grace for the moment, and uses each moment to glorify Himself. And, as John Piper would say, God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. I know that I have no idea what it’s like to go through what you’re going through, but I hope that this might be some encouragement to you.

  • The Fabulous Ms. Beth

    The words you right are the words I have thought many a time since I lost my son a year and a half ago. I have empty pages of a baby album that I thought I’d fill someday, and an empty room with no son to fill it. I pray for you as you travel the path of the bereaved parent. A road nobody should have to travel, but many of us unfortunately do. Your angel daughter is beautiful.

  • Jamie

    Thanks so much for sharing, Angie! I recently suffered a miscarriage and I have been dealing with that hurt! God is teaching me along the way through your blog! He is using you in great ways! Stay strong! His strength is perfect!
    Hugs
    JAMIE

  • Dayna

    I have been reading you for quite some time but I am not very good at commenting.

    I thought of you when I stumbled across this site though:

    http://www.glowinthewoods.com/

    I’m sure they’d appreciate your prayers and perhaps your input too.

    God bless.

  • clatk

    Angie,

    I have been blessed and heartbroken by your blog. When I read ‘Empty Pages’ I couldn’t not comment.

    I miscarried about 4 months ago, and I keep thinking it will get better, but it continues to be hard right now. I started journaling to ‘two’ as we affectionately referred to him or her (our second child) the day that we found out I was pregnant. There are only 3 or 4 entries in the journal with the the final being a goodbye. And as I journaled last night to God, I told Him that I just longed and ached for this baby whom I had lost, for those dreams and plans that I had that will never be realized, for those pages to be filled.

    I want you to know that God has used you to speak to me. Your faith has literally brought me to my knees, and I am thankful that although I may never meet you on earth, we share the same eternal home in Heaven.

  • Grandma TT

    Angie,
    I have emailed you but not commented before. I am a grandma of little Millie that was stillborn on May 7, 2008. My daughter was scheduled for a C section on May 7th and upon arrival at the hospital there was no heartbeat. She has a 3 year old and an 18 month old both delivered by C section. This should have been a routine C section, but was not.
    The empty pages post, I think is so true. You will always wonder. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that nor that God thinks there is anything wrong with that. God doesn’t say not to question.
    I come from a somewhat different perspective since I am the Grandma and not the mom, but I can tell you that it hurts just as much. It is very difficult to watch a child go through this loss. Through this experience I have come to wonder and think about how God watched Christ suffer in this life, and how difficult it must have been. Expecially, when God had the power to take Christ home without the suffering. How much He must love us to allow it to occur.
    What is written in those “empty pages” are the legacy of that life. In our situation, it is working with the hospital to get the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep program in the hospital to take professional pictures.

    I love your blog, and I love that you share yourself. It is not an easy time, nor are we always on our game. You have shared that beautifully.
    thanks again, Continue your good work.
    Grandma TT

  • Mrs. Walker

    I have my own pregnancy journal, though it does not have empty pages because I lost my daughter at 39 weeks. Still, it’s hard to read through all the joy, only to know the ending is so terribly heartbreaking.
    I am so thankful that I trust a God that is loving, kind and faithful. Without that knowledge, I would have given up long ago.
    You encourage me in this walk of loss and trust. I pray that the words of all these strangers can continue to do the same for you.
    Blessings….

  • SRoSeNcRaNs

    you are an amazing woman. you are giving inspiration to others and perhaps making the meaning of disciple a little more clear.
    it seems we all have a story, and i thank God each day mine ended on a note that allows me to hold my beautiful boy each day. i thank you for your honesty, candor, hope, faith and perseverance.
    “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” –John 14:27

  • Chandra

    Hearing your story just hits so close to home. This post especially. My journal starts with the happiness of new life with (like you said) no idea what is on the horizon, it then turns to prayers and pleas, it currently is being filled with prayers and praises for the things God has brought me through. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t long to hold my precious baby in my arms. To see who he may have become. But my Father knew best and my baby has gone to be with his cousin. His cousin is the second part of my heart today. She was born 6 years ago with no bladder and no kidneys. She lived 2 hours. My heart still aches for my niece and for my brother and his wife who think about her everyday. Thank you for sharing your story. You can hear more of my brother and his wife’s story at healinghope.blogspot.com
    Thank you again, may God strengthen and encourage you everyday.