A Beautiful Song

(written 7/7)


6 months ago today I sat in a dark room and listened to a doctor tell me I was not going to get to keep her.
3 months ago today I held her. 
3 months ago today I had to give her back.
This weekend, I got to share a little life with Sara (yes…Sara from Texas:)) and her family. When I say “family,” I mean that they came in two cars and one of them was a 15 passenger van. It was more of a blessing than I know how to say.  It is amazing how God can bring beauty from ashes…and He did.  I feel like they have been friends forever, and we were really sad to see them go.  We laughed when we went to the grocery store and the checkout guy assumed that we were sisters.  Truth be told, we are.
6 months ago today, I didn’t know that I would sit with a “stranger” in my pajamas and talk about what it feels like to mourn a child.  Although there were many tears, we also had a lot of fun together. You would think that two women who met in such a horrific time would not describe their time together as joyous, but it really was. Anyone who has lost a child (or anyone who has lost someone close to them, I’m sure) will tell you that unexpectedly, normal life sneaks in sometimes.  You don’t know how to handle those moments, because you are so broken, but the laughter feels like a respite from the storm. It was so good to be in the presence of someone who understands that balance, and knows what is on your heart even before you say it. We all sat together and watched my neighbor’s fireworks while the sound of our kids playing filled the air.  It was bittersweet.  I was so grateful to have met her, and so sad that it had to be like this.  
On Saturday night, Sara and I went to the cemetery to be with Audrey.  We cried as we sat there, alternately raking our hands through the dirt and wiping tears.  I didn’t say anything to her at the time, and I’m not really sure it even hit me until later that night, but I noticed that Audrey’s grave was one of the only ones that didn’t have flowers in the little vase.  I realized that it must be kind of an “unspoken rule” that you bring flowers on a holiday.  I was telling Todd about it last night and I couldn’t stop crying because I felt like I hadn’t taken care of her. I realized in that moment that I still want to parent her, even in death.  It is a hard thing to feel like a mommy when you can’t even hold your child.  Every time I go there, I have to fight the urge to dig into the ground, and wrap her up in a blanket.  I just want to rock her and whisper to her and feel her little cheeks against mine. There are times I think if I could just hold her one more time, I wouldn’t hurt the way I do.  I know it isn’t true, but I don’t want her to be there tonight.  I have all these crazy thoughts, worrying about if she’s cold or if she’s afraid when it gets dark.  I know she isn’t really there, but I am her mommy.  I want her to have flowers.
Today, I went back to her with Todd’s family.  As soon as we left my house to head over there, it started pouring rain.  It didn’t stop until we were pulling in to the cemetery.  I knew it would, because it has happened this way each time I have gone.  It rains from the moment I leave my house to the moment I get there, even though it is less than a 10 minute drive.  It is one of the ways that God has chosen to remind me that He is with me, and I will never forget that He did that for me.  Our neighborhood sits across the street from a Catholic church, and it seems like every time I walk out my front door, the church bells are ringing.  For the first dozen or so times, I thought I must be walking out right on the hour, but then I started checking the time.  I can find no discernible pattern to it, other than the fact that He wants me to know He is with me.  
He is a Father, after all.
I bought her a beautiful bouquet of pink flowers.  Nicol said they reminded her of my wedding bouquet, which I hadn’t noticed until that moment.  We sang and talked and sat with her. Todd told her that Ellie had lost another tooth while I pulled the weeds that have started to grow in the dirt.  My hands went right to them, angry that enough time had passed for weeds to have crept in. Furious that the weeds would dare try to come to this pure place, and yet, they find their way.  I didn’t stop until it was clear.
I am her mother, you know.  
I have spent a lot of time crying in the last few days, and I would love to ask for your prayers.  I know that this season (and many more to come) will have peaks and valleys.  It’s just that when you are in the valley, you feel like you won’t ever come out.  I think one of Satan’s greatest schemes is making us feel hopeless because we don’t have the strength to climb again. He doesn’t want us to believe that God is our rescuer, that He can carry us. He wants us to feel like God doesn’t see us, doesn’t know how weak we are.  He wants us to believe that our Father has left us, cold and without comfort.  No flowers, no blanket, no parent.  Just the night sky and the sound of silence.  I know it isn’t true, but I want to say it because I’m sure there are others who feel this way, and I want you to know that I understand.  
I also want to tell you that I appreciate you all being with me, and with Sara, Nicol, and the other women who walk this road.  I hesitated to post tonight because I can’t stop crying and I feel like my thoughts are jumbled.  The Lord reminded me of something that happened last week, and I want to share it with you so that you will know my heart a little better.
We went to the home of John Catchings, the greatest cello player I have ever had the honor of listening to.  He has performed on all of Selah’s records, and he played at our wedding, so I feel connected to him.  He is gifted beyond measure, and I want to thank him here for what he did for our family.  You will get to hear it whenever I have permission to share, but just know that it is beautiful.  I sat with headphones on and listened while his hands danced to the sound of Audrey’s music.  I sobbed the whole time because it was so gorgeous.  Here’s the weird thing. He kept stopping in the middle and telling the producer to start the track over so he could try again.  For the life of me, I could not figure out what he was hearing.  It was perfect to me.  He knows music much better than I do, and he certainly knows what he is capable of doing, but to my ear, it was flawless.  On the way home, I was remembering the way he played, and God spoke to me.  It didn’t fully make sense to me until a few days later, but I want to share it with you because it is important for each of us to know as we make music with our lives (and we all do). The Lord whispered,
It is My song. I am just asking you to keep your hands steady on the bow.  
Many, many times I feel like I am a garbled mess as I write.  I post something and I think that it will never make sense to anyone.  I want so desperately to make her story beautiful, and I feel like I am always wanting to yell, “Stop! let me try to do that better…” while I write.  
Reading your comments and your letters, I have often wondered, “What have they heard?”  It didn’t feel that way with my hands on the bow (or, the keyboard as it were…).  Now I am starting to understand.  
I am grateful tonight for a God who cares enough for His people to use us in spite of ourselves, to bring others to His name.  I am an imperfect vessel with little more than a piece of sheet music (which I cannot read) and an instrument I do not know how to play.  And yet the Lord says to me over and over……keep your hands steady on the bow, and I will make it a beautiful song…

Thank you Lord.  Thank you for allowing me to even be a part of her life…
One of my favorite books is “The Valley of Vision.” It is a book of Puritan Prayers, and it is one of the most amazing prayer books I have ever read.  In one of the entries on “weakness,” this is written:
Help me to walk the separated life with 
firm and brave step
and to wrestle successfully against weakness;
Teach me to laud, adore, and magnify thee
with the music of heaven,
and make me a perfume of praiseful gratitude to thee…

(excerpt from pg 189)

To Sara, Bradon, Sydney and the gang…we are humbled that you would take the time to come and be with us.  We just like you all so much!!! We are blessed beyond measure to have you to walk with as we travel.  Thank you for your openness, your transparency, and your love. Thank you for your sweet spirits, and for your desire to have relationship deeply.  Sara, we are kindred spirits, and as I go to bed tonight, I will be thanking Him for your friendship.  
Angie


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  • Devon Rene

    So many moments I think nobody else gets it. And then I come here today and read your beautiful words and you get it. We share the same broken hurt.

    Know I am thinking of you today…

    Our God is bigger than all of this…and I know our children are playing together!

  • TressaMOMof3

    Just beautiful. You have such a way with words. The Lord is using you to bring so many people to him. Including me. Thank you and I am praying for you.

    Tressa

  • Natalie @ I AM (not)

    Oh I am praying for you today. I’m so sorry you lost your baby. I’m glad you have “eyes” to see and “ears” to hear Him. I know you know He didn’t put you here in the darkness just to “be God!” No, He’ll use the darkness that this sin-cracked creations plunges us all into and turn it for you! He’ll stay through every tear, every pain, every day.

    “I will give you treasures in darkness; riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel who summons you by name.” Isaiah 45:3

  • Ashley, Rob and baby Robbie

    You are in my prayers today, Angie. Thank you for sharing your life with us – I am so deeply sorry for the grief you carry. May God continue to bless you with His presence today.

  • Sara

    It is so good to hear from you. It sounds like you had a blessed weekend with Sara and her gang. I would love to have that someone that I could sit with and know that they “get it”. My friends are great, supportive people. But they don’t “get it”.
    Music – if you read my blog you will see that music plays a very important part of my life. It always has, and it has helped me so much through this time of losing Samuel.
    These past few days have been especially hard for me as well. I wonder what makes certain times harder than others. I have just been longing to have him in my arms again.
    God bless.

  • Georgia’s blog

    Angie,

    My week has been much the same… many, many tears. I can’t explain why other than I miss her, I want to parent her… your words touched me deeply today. My feelings exactly. Read my blog (www.easysite.com/fulenwiderfamily)for today, Becoming as pebbles. My words are not quite as eloquent but I pray that they touch you as yours did me.

  • .moose.

    Still praying for you…

  • blessedwith5

    Thank you once again for sharing your life. The flowers are beautiful that you placed at Audrey’s resting place.

    I wanted to specifically thank you for sharing your feelings . . . I do not know the hurt of losing a child, but my Mom does. Your writing helps me to understand what she felt over 40 years ago. My Mom was not allowed to hold her baby girl or even attend the funeral service. I guess back then they didn’t allow it. My Mom has never been able to grieve her baby. Mom never saw her baby girl.
    Sometimes I think of how strong my Mom must be. Other times I don’t understand why she can’t bring herself to visit the cemetary.
    Thank you again for sharing yourself, your family and your story.

  • baseballtraveler

    My prayers are with you! You are an amazing writer and such a woman of God. I spent a whole day reading through your story and a whole box of tissues. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Thank you for sharing your Godly wisdom. May you continue to bless people through His word and yours.

  • Sara

    I am so thankful God continues to bring blessings to you Angie; they don’t always make the hurt less, but they remind us that He’s there. I often remind myself that faith is more than a feeling… so when I am in a valley I remind myself that even when I don’t feel Him, his arms are around me. I want you to know that even those of us who haven’t lost a child, but have other losses (in my case illness) are still touched and helped by you; circumstances are vastly different, but the core is often the same. You help more than you know.

    My friend Kelly lost her daughter Kate at age 11 to cancer, and has another younger daughter still living. She has been gone five years and they still don’t have a headstone for her; instead there is a shephard’s hook there that is decorated for the season. Kate loved Halloween and Christmas especially so on those seasons you can pick out her grave from the road. :) We often talk about the fact that it looks spunky like Kate… fits her better than a headstone. I’m sure others judge, but I remind her that there are no rules, only what brings her comfort. Now I realize it’s her way of still mothering.

    Do whatever you need to do, Angie. Be a mother in whatever way works for you. And know in my prayers I am wrapping you up, singing to you and loving you all. May God bring blessings to your day!

    Sara (not the “real” one, just another that cares! :) )

    http://www.gitzengirl.blogspot.com

  • The Morris Family

    I too find myself still wanting to “do” things for our little Joel (1/23/07)I think your right, we are their mommy in life and in death, we will always be their mommy. It seems like every 23rd of the month that feeling is so strong, and I do find something to do whether putting flowers on the grave or writing a poem. We must continue to release this process of grieving. Thank you for sharing. Cindy Morris
    http://www.weloveyoujoel.blogspot.com

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • m&nmom04

    Each word you speak (type) strikes my heart with such emotion… I know its God’s speaking through you, sharing His love with all of us.
    I am praying that God will bring you that heavenly comfort and peace and unconditional love that you need– you know you HAVE it, you just need to FEEL it, even more today.
    You are a great mother, wife and friend. All that know you, or have even come to “know” you through your blog can attest to that truth.
    Please know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family and that I love you and am continuing to pray that God will allow me to “share your burden of pain and grief”~ anyway to somehow help to lighten the load.
    God will carry you always in His loving Hands!

  • The Petersons

    Angie,
    I have just spent 2 days (in between tasks at work) reading your blog and crying. My heart aches for you and your family and I am inspired by your faith and strength.

    My husband and I lost our first child at only 6 weeks. We had just celebrated our first anniversary and it was a very trying time in our marriage. God blessed us with a healthy baby girl 19 months ago and we are so in love with her.

    Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers now and I pray that you continue to find strengh in His word.

    Joy Peterson
    Rome, GA

  • Amanda:

    Thinking of you and praying for you always! Can’t wait to hear her song.

  • Crystal

    Angie..I am still praying for you as well as Sara and Nicol. All of your stories have touched me. Trust me when I say that we hear your words and that you do a beautiful job with them. Thank you for continuing to share your story, Audrey’s story and your knowledge of God with us here. I am sending my prayers and love to you.

    P.S. The flowers are beautufil and I am so happy to ehar that the moments of normal life have been able to slip in.

  • Nancy

    I just want to tell you to keep those hands steady. I am in a valley and your words mean so very much to me. The other day I was at the book store to get a gift. The kids took me to the children section of course. Hannah (3) needs a new Bible every time we go to the store. She likes the ones with flowers or rhinestones on the cover. Anyway on one of the face outs was The Jesus Storybook Bible. So I bought it and I’m reading it with the kids. THANK YOU!

  • amy smith

    incredible. truly. incredible.
    praying for you right now.

  • Karen

    Oh girl, my prayers are with you today.

  • The Wild World of Richmond

    Angie, your blog and your transparency continue to bless me over and over again. I’m praying for you, Sara, and Nicol(Greg and Summer,too). Please know that when you are too weak to speak-others are standing in the gap for you. Your father knows your heart. You know your father’s heart-it’s obvious.
    hugs and prayers,
    Terri

  • P.S. He loves you…

    Your an instrument to HIS work and I praise HIM for this and ask blessings on you and your for sharing these testimonies!

    Keep sharing and treading and don’t ever feel that we cannot share this with you as this is what we are called to do in HIS Word, “share one another’s burdens” so happy HE reunited you with a “soul sister” and that your both able to comminicate these times with one another!

  • Laura on Wren

    Isn’t it amazing (and yet not, really) to see how God “brings the rain” each time you visit Audrey? I have no doubt that it’s His reminder that He is with you as you walk this path. Thank you, Angie, for your beautiful, heartfelt, inspired words. May He grant you peace, healing and moments of true joy today.

    ~Laura

  • Mattam

    Tears stream down my face as I read your beautiful blog this morning. You are in my prayers!

  • a woman found

    Just keep your hand on the bow…the keyboard…it’s beautiful and encouraging a little unkown housewife in Arizona more than you know!!

    I’ve never lost a child but everything you write about speaks to me. It’s got to be God. It’s got to be His lift touching mine. I grieve the loss of my plans and dreams that I surely thought God would have done by now and it’s so rediculous…nothing compared to loosing a child. But when you share vulnerably on this blog I hear the language of a fellow sojourner… another one of God’s broken vessels longing, groaning for redemption in everything.

    I truly thank God for you and pray for you often.

    Sheila

  • Laura on Wren

    Ooops! So sorry for the duplicate post above (now deleted). :)

  • Kylee

    I always think what you write is beautiful, and never have difficulty understanding it. God has a wonderful way of working through you! You bless so many people by the things that you write.

    I wanted you to know I am praying for your family so much today. I’m only 15, and can’t even begin to fathom what you’re going through. But we share a common bond in Christ. Know I am thinking of you and praying, praying, praying.

  • amy

    Angie
    A dear friend introduced me to your blog and I am so glad.
    Thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly and openly.
    God bless you for being so real. It is such an encouragement to me to read about how you see God in so many things around you. You inspire me to do the same.
    I am so sorry you are having an especially hard day today. I will pray for you.
    Thanks again for sharing your faith and encouraging so many.
    For His Glory,
    Amy

  • hennhouse

    It’s just that when you are in the valley, you feel like you won’t ever come out.

    “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.” –Psalm 23:4,6

  • Nichole

    I love that even in your grief… you continue to praise OUR maker!! You have such a great heart and sweet spirit. Your words continue to amaze me. I hear your “song” so perfectly!!

    I love the boots in the pictures. Not sure if it is Ellie or Abby, but 2 pictures, 2 different pairs of boots…. in July.. Gotta love kids.

    Blessings, and prayers,
    Nichole

  • Dragonflysoul

    it is so evident that God is with you and your family. your faith and strength through such a rainy season bless me so much. though i know your hearts are heavy, i can see God working in and through you during this time.

    and i am touched to witness even the little ones (your girls) coming together and showing their love and care for their beautiful baby sister.

    may God continue to soothe your hearts and show Himself to you all.

    in my prayers :-)

  • SLM

    I have never commented before, but felt it appropriate to this time. I have lost two pregnancies, with four children between the two. Alex, my first born, was stillborn at 23 weeks. My triplets (conceived spontaneously) were born too early and died shortly after due to PROM and premature birth. That’s my “in a nutshell” history with loss.

    That said, I went through a grief counseling group called HEAL, local in my community, and met two amazing women. To say that I relate to the words you write about your friend is an understatement. Although it’s true that my two friends and I have other things in common and would have been friends despite our experiences, it has been truly amazing to walk this road of loss and healing with them by my side. I am a better person because of my children, and I am a better friend because of the friendships I have with these two women.

    May God continue to bless you as you mourn the loss of your daughter, and may He bring you more amazing friends, much like my friends Laurie and Cathy.

  • Jess

    Just so beautiful, please don’t stop. It makes sense to more people even if you don’t realize it. I am praying for you always, every night for Audrey Caroline, you, and Todd and your sweet girls. I’m glad that God was able to bless you with a ‘sister’ and the two of you will be able to help each heal, mourn, laugh, and love all together.

    If you have a few moments check out my blog (it’s a little bit rusty compared to yours!)
    http://jlprice421.blogspot.com

    Love in Him,
    Jessica

  • Heather

    It may not feel beautiful to you as you write it, but when I read your words it’s as if God Himself is reaching into my heart. You are a blessing! Thank you so much for being willing to write.

  • Anne

    I’m praying for you, Sara and Nicole today – praying that God will continue to give you peace, comfort and undersetanding. Praying that he will continue to use your words to touch the many of us who read them. Thank you for your openness in the midst of every emotion – it’s such a blessing!!

  • Kim

    My eyes teared immediately when I read of your desire to dig Audrey out-I have never thought of it that way, but I am sure that is exactly how your first reaction would be.
    Please know how wonderful you are to open and share the way you do-thanks for letting us hear God’s music.
    Kim

  • Mocha with Linda

    I have been reading Carol Kent’s wonderful book When I Lay My Isaac Down. It makes me think of you.

    One part in particular does, and I can already see it happening. And that is the prayer that you receive the Ephraim blessing, that God will make you fruitful in the land of your suffering. (Gen 41:52)

    Though the valleys are many and the road is long, you are already being fruitful by the words you write and the ministry you extend to others who are broken and hurting.

    Praying God’s comfort for you today and every day.

  • Kelly

    Angie –
    You are so precious. Everything you write is touching so many people – whether you think it may or not.
    I am so thankful that God brought you and Sara together to have a friend to walk through the valley with who understands. And the same for Nicol. I’m glad none of you have to be alone in this terrible pit you are in. I pray for comfort and joy in all of your lives.
    Thanks for always openly sharing what God is speaking to you – He speaks to me through you!

  • Michele

    Wow I am under the 50th comment. YAHOO!
    What a wonderful opportunity to be abke to share with Sara and her family. What a blessing. Thank you for sharing the pictures of Audrey’s flowers- they were so pretty.
    I emailed you last week my testimony. I wanted to share with you what your blog has given me the strength to do- that is to share My Story of Elizabeth for His Glory!
    Love Michele Mstewart222@yahoo.com
    Readers I can send it to you if you are interested in reading. So far God has blessed me with 2 new “friends”. All because of Angie’s blog! God is doing an amazing thing here Angie!!

  • Keri

    It will be 5 years the 17th since I delivered Landon at 4.5 months pregnant. I have replayed that whole week in my head so many times lately. But even after all these years, the hurt is still there. I have contemplated whether or not to write about it. Everyone else seems to have moved on and I don’t want to ever forget him.

    Your words bring comfort. I hate that it has to be something so tragic to reach people. Praying for you.

  • monee2000

    Angie – God speaks through you BEAUTIFULLY. Your strength, faith and honesty speak to me in a way that very few things have. You and your family remain in my prayers. Thank you for being open, transparent and sharing your pain with all of us.

    May God bless you abundantly…

  • Heather

    You said: Reading your comments and your letters, I have often wondered, “What have they heard?”

    I have heard God’s voice.

  • Michele

    Angie I meant to ask you something-

    Have you ever thought about taking your blogs and putting them into a book???

    I think so many people would be touched as we all have been.
    Love ya
    Sis in CHrist Michele
    Mstewart222@yahoo.com

  • Sarah

    Huge hugs to you and your family, Angie.

    My friend lost her baby at 27 weeks. It was a spring funeral, so little Savannah was dressed in a light dress when she was laid to rest. Five months later, Winter set in. My friend was tormented with the fact that she had not wrapped her baby in a blanket to keep the cold away.

    I began to share with her how truly warm Savannah was in God’s embrace….and although that was the truth, God somehow changed the direction of my words to minister to my friend’s needs. He told me to tell her that the earth was a great insulator (as is His design), and all that insulation was keeping Savannah snug and warm–the cold will never reach her.

    My friend came to me feeling like such a bad mother over this issue, and walked away with the Peace of Christ, and confirmation that she was the perfect mother for Savannah.

    Angie, you are the perfect Mother for Audrey. God Bless you.

    Sarah

  • kristina

    Continuing to keep you in my prayers, Angie. Your words are so beautiful. Thank you. BIG hugs.

  • Christy

    I will pray today, right now in fact.

  • Sara

    I am reminded of a poem Abraham Piper (Pastor/author John Piper’s son) wrote about his daughter, who died in the womb. It is called “6 months gone at Easter time,” and reads:

    Empty hangers, empty closet, empty clothes.
    Empty crib, empty bath.
    Empty bottles, empty breasts.
    Empty lungs, empty blood, empty heart.
    Empty grave.

    They named her Felicity, and her gravestone reads “In His Presence, There is Fullness of Joy.” (Can be seen here: http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1140/)

    Your sweet baby is experiencing fullness of joy.

    Sara

  • Carrie

    You are in my prayers. Your words have become such a ministry and comfort to so many women who share this common bond. Your words that u feel are so jumbled are laid out perfectly according the the message that God wants each of us to hear. You words give my thoughts and feelings a concrete message to identify with. So often I “visit you” to see that what you have written is what my heart has told me as I have walked this valley. Although we are at a different spot in our mourning, the one thing we share–God chose our girls to be with him. It is only through the healing that I found from reading your words that I was finally able to say to God–Thank you for chosing to raise my daughter while trusting me to raise my two other children. Thank you for sharing.

  • my name is kristy mae

    My prayers are with you Angie. Our time here on this earth is so brief, and in that time I can only pray that I touch even one person’s heart that they might seek a closer relationship with Him. You have touched so many, you and your sweet Audrey.

  • screamofcontinuousness

    Angie,
    I knew I could count on you to post something that would help. I’ve linked your post on mine. Hope you don’t mind. I’m not equating my grief with yours, but knowing you’ve been through something so much worse….and that you still are convinced of God’s loving care. It helps. oh dear girl how it helps.

    thank you for being so open with us.

  • Kathy C

    There are no words to express how my heart aches for you and your family. Our son, Seth, was taken home to the Father on August 19th, 2004. There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not miss him and long to hold him again. But God is so good…No matter what.

    Our prayer has always been that we would teach our children to love and honor God with each breath. That they would live in His grace and mercy, so that one day we would all be reunited in heaven.

    Seth just made it there sooner than we expected.

    I have no doubt that when I get to heaven, there will be a playground where Seth and Audrey will be waiting for us.
    The first thing I want to hear is my Lord saying “Well done good and faithful servant, enter into the rest of your Lord.”
    The second thing I want to hear is his sweet voice saying “Hi mom, what took you so long.”

    My sister gave me book when Seth “graduated”. It is a children’s book. I thought it would simply help me explain Seth’s passing to my girls. It ened up meaning so much more to me.

    Debi Gliori “No Matter What”

    God is good…No matter what.
    I pray that God will continue to lift you up, just when you need it most.

    My prayers and thoughts are with you. You are not alone.

    God bless,
    Kathy C (Texas)

  • Beckycain6

    Well said, Ang–across the board. Hopefully EVERYONE reading will get a clearer picture of just who you truly are.

    It’s a sad but sweet blessing to see Audrey’s little grave. Precious little baby. I know it must be so awful to sit there knowing how close her tiny body is to you–and to not be able to scoop down in and pick her up.

    Many people wish for money. Many people wish for fame. Praise be to the Lord who hears the anguish from a parent who’s only wish is to have their baby back again. All the money in the world could waste away if it meant holding [her] one more time. I know how you feel. I know that it hurts. I know…….

    May the Lord continue to find cracks in your pain to heal and bring relief.

    I love you,
    Becky

  • sumi

    Angie, how did you manage to creep into my heart and write what is hidden in there so clearly? I read this post and my heart goes: Yes! Yes! Yes!

    Yes to the desperate urge to mother my baby girl even in the grave. Yes to getting rid of those pesky weeds. Yes to those wonderful, bittersweet moments of fellowship with someone who has been there. Yes to that: “Stop, let me try to do this better” feeling. Yes to keeping my hand firm on the bow.

    Thanks again for sharing your precious heart. I appreciate you more than you can know!

  • Andrea

    Praying for you, Sara and any other woman walking your path today – thank you so much for responding to my email!

  • Worshipping One

    Thank you Angie, I am praying for you. Please know that everytime I read your post, God speaks to me. Last night I spoke to a lady’s group at our church and I told about your story, I shared the broken pitcher story with them. My message was about pride, but God showed me how I could tie in the broken pitcher and make it apply. The women were very moved and many were crying. Please know that you sharing your thoughts and being real with us is having a huge impact to the glory of God! I hurt with you even though I haven’t lost a child… I am a mom with a mom’s heart and I somehow can feel it. You have blessed me beyond belief.

  • justmyopinion12

    Angie,

    I have been reading your story and have wept many times as I feel your pain and relive some of my own over the loss of our second child to miscarriage.

    Today, as I read about the weeds and the rain, God reminded me of a picture He gave me when I was new to this loss. I’m pretty visual and God tends to use visuals to speak to me.

    I was sitting on the driveway of our home, watching our daughter play. It had been a rainy morning and the grass was too wet to play in, so we were on the driveway, chasing bubbles. I had one of those big wands that had lots of holes in it to make lots of bubbles. I would swing the wand around and Sarah would chase them, catching the dancing bubbles in her tiny hands. I was enjoying the moment, but also noticed the weeds growing in the seams of the driveway. Never one to miss an opportunity to multi-task, I got to work! :) As a swung the wand with one hand, I began to pull weeds with the other. I was struck with how easily the weeds pulled out – roots and all – since the dirt was wet from the earlier rain.

    I don’t remember if the lesson came to me then or later as I reflected and spent time with Him, but I do remember the lesson. One of my core beliefs about the character of God is that He doesn’t “cause” bad things to happen, but He does allow them. I believe scripture teaches that He can then take those things and use them for good in our life if we will allow Him to do so.

    I’d cried many tears over our loss and the soil of my heart was very tender as I mourned through this time. I didn’t want to miss what God could teach me through this time if I would turn to Him and seek His face. I realized that when we experience difficult, painful times in our lives and we open our heart to Him, He can tenderly remove the weeds that have been taking up space in our heart. When my heart is soft and receptive to His touch, He can gently pull the weeds that I’ve allowed to take root there. This painful, painful time of loss became a time of peace and serenity as I knew my God wanted nothing but His best for me, and He alone could make beauty from ashes.

    It’s been nineteen years since this scene played out in my life, and there have been other difficult and dark days over those years, but there have been beautiful, blessed days as well! God is still faithful and He has carried us through each of those days.

    How do people walk through the bad days without a relationship with the Lord? How do they skip through the good days without an acknowledgement of Him?

    God is good! All the time! All the time! God is good!

    In His precious love,
    Paula

  • Krystal

    Angie, you are an incredible mother to her. Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful song. I pray that you continue to feel overwhelmed with the presence and comfort of our God.

  • KWilleby

    While, I haven’t expereinced the loss you have of a child, your words still speak so clearly to me. I understand that Valley and as you explained it, I understood it clearly. I have felt so far down and deep, almost buried the past few days, and your words helped me to see what it was. Know that your words are ministering to all of us. Thank you for writing.

  • Brittney

    What a blessing for you to share your heart, your hurt, and your faith in the Living God! I am amazed as I watch your precious family travel the very road He has set before you. You have not turned to the right or to the left, but you have and you are enduring. Be encouraged to “keep running the race, with your eyes fixed on the prize, Christ Jesus our Lord.” I am praying for a joy-filled week for you and your household.

  • Carrie

    I just want to say to not be hard on yourself over the flowers. My mom passed away almost 16 years ago. I was fifteen at the time, and struggled with going to the cemetary to “be with her”. I realized after some searching that I carry her with me always in my heart. The flowers (or lack of) are not a measure of your love for her. You have done far more for your daughter in the last six months that any daughter could ever ask of her mother. Just allowing her to be a part of our worlds and leaving her legacy with us is an amazing gift. You and Audrey have touched more lives than you will ever begin to know.

  • Joy

    I bought a pitcher, Angie. It is a very lavish, intricate, beautiful piece of ceramic that even has a matching basin. I cannot wait to smash it and piece it all back together again. I’ll be sure to let you know when I do it.

    I wanted to tell you that so you know that your readers hear you. And I was thinking to myself, before you started wondering if you were even making sense, how beautiful and perfect your words are. You make sense, you’re not incoherent!

    I can hear your anxiety through your words… in that you want to be her mommy and yet can’t.

    You’re in the valley of the shadow of death… BUT He’ll bring you out of it. Just grieve, Angie. Let the tears come, bring that rain! Part of worship is bringing a SACRIFICE of praise. Praise Him, give to Him, even when you don’t feel like it. YOU ARE A PLEASING SACRIFICE AND FRAGRANCE TO HIM!

    Your heart is just so amazing and I know you don’t write so that people can just tell you how great you are. But you need to hear it. You’re touching lives. People who’ve lost babies, or a parent, or a spouse, people who haven’t lost at all, young, old—Audrey is making a difference!

  • Jennifer P.

    Last night, I dreamed about my lost husband… He was real and healthy and walking around. When I woke up, I was surprised again by the reality that he’s gone. The hurt is so big, and it never seems to end. I would give my life for one more hour, for just a few more minutes, to soak up the love we shared. Most days I still don’t understand how he could die, and I still live. It seems to me that my heart should have stopped from the pain. I long for him with my whole self, and what’s left of me here is indeed hopeless. Hopeless and helpless and heartsick. I miss him so…

    Thank you for sharing your pain. It makes me feel less alone to know others, too, walk this road in confusion, with eyes still on our Lord.

  • Darlee

    Angie,

    We hear your beautiful HEART. You pour out your heart with beautiful music…we all hear and understand. Some of us feel your pain a little more but rest assured we ALL feel it. I believe even though you feel like you’re a mess when you try to articulate in writing, God orchestrates your music so we can hear and feel it in the way He wants us to. You’re a vessel, sweet Angie. Thank you.

    Darlee

  • Tammy

    I have just recently been visiting your blog. You are a beautiful person who has a way with words. I will continue to pray for you. God is a big God and there is nothing He can’t handle for us when we can’t see the light ahead. He is our light. thank you for sharing your heart.

    blessings

  • Linda

    Angie, please know that the Father takes your words and by the power of His Spirit uses them to minister in so many individual ways.
    Oh how I understand those peaks and valleys – the times when all seems so dark and empty and lonely. When the weight of the burden feels as though it is burying one alive. We know He is there – but the feelings are too – and He understands.
    A few weeks ago a dear friend sent me a beautiful copy of Valley of Vision. It has ministered to my heart over and over again. Powerful, unchanging messages of faith.
    I hold you in my heart and prayers Angie.

  • Beauty From Ashes

    Angie,
    It is so good to hear from you and that you’re adjusting to the “new normal.” I’ve never lost a child, but from what I’ve heard from others, finding the “new normal” is such a difficult balance. I loved what you had to say about wanting to put flowers at the grave and wanting to still hold Audrey…you’re human. The flowers are beautiful. Have you been able to read the book yet? I hope that it encourages you and strengthens you on this journey. Love the pictures!
    Ashley

  • Shawnda

    I love the Valley of Vision as well – so, so, so rich in prayer!

    You shared many things my precious friend, Molly, has shared in her loss….about not wanting her Felicity to be cold and wanting to parent her even in death by bringing flowers and making her ‘bed’ the best place possible!

    I can only imagine.

    Prayers are with you, sister!

  • BethAnne

    This was beautiful.

  • Cathy

    Don’t EVER hesitate to write, because I have yet to read one of your posts that hasn’t touched my heart and spoken to me. That is whats so beautiful about it…you are letting God use you as HIS BOW to play HIS song. Thank you.

  • Elizabeth

    I feel like the tears that I shed when I read your story teach me to be a better mother today than yesterday, to love my God for my blessings more every day, to appreciate the little things exceedingly. Your words do not come across as a garbled mess as you described…all of us moms see through the tears and we are there with you.

  • The Anderson

    I will never forget that feeling of wanting to “dig up” and hold my daughter again. I always thought it was a little creepy for me to think that and I rarely said it out loud. I’m so glad to hear someone else say it, too.

    Thank you again for sharing your words.

    Stephanie

  • Kristen

    God has given you a gift of words! You write and express beautifully! Rarely do I read your writings, such as this post, and not cry along with you.

    Audrey’s flowers are beautiful!

  • Amanda

    Your words are so beautiful. My prayers continue to be with you.

  • Melissa Irwin

    wow,i am continually blessed by your blog postings. and i recognize that cemetary…as it is where my high school love rests. been there many many many times.

    thankful today that you and sara have bonded families and have one another.

  • Kristina

    Angie,
    I’m so glad to see you back here. Thank you for taking time to post even when you’re having a rough time. You have been such an inspiration to me. Even though we “met” under bad circumstances, God has used you to draw me closer to Him. I’m closer to God than I’ve been in years. So even though you may feel like you’re fumbling for words, you are making a huge impact on all these lives here. I am praying for you all.

  • The Kirkpatrick Family

    I am reading mistaken identity right now and walking through these two families shoes was well …..let’s just say I can’t put he book down. I so hope you write a book sweet lady, your an incredible writer and God blesses each one of your words. Thank you for taking us on the journey with you. As a mom of four and only have lost a grandparent and an aunt to Cancer it is hard for me to even grip loosing a child but your words have touched so many and your testimony I am in awe of. Keep playing your God Given Instrument, for when you do, the angels sing! Hugs to you! xxxx

  • Mel

    Thank you, Thank you for sharring.
    Praying and humbled that He cares to listen and provides this avenue to Himself.

  • Sheila

    Hi Angie –
    I have never posted a comment but I wanted you to know that I enjoy reading your blog. I have never lost a child but my mom did when I was a freshman in High School and so as I read what you have experienced I think of my parents especially my mom and what it must have been like for her. I was so clueless then to know and understand all that she was dealing with.
    We remember my little sister, Sarah, who would be 18 this August. Sometimes we send my mom flowers on Sarah’s b-day just so she knows we haven’t forgotten. Thank you for sharing like you do, you do such a great job writing!
    I will pray for you!

  • Kelsey

    When you write it is a “beautiful song” of God’s unfailing love, faithfulness, and understanding. Thank you. You are in my prayers.

  • Amy

    Though we are not going through the same trials, I feel that there are times when no one else “gets” it, then I read your blog and am reminded that I am not alone, none of us are. He is there, always… He is our blanket, He is our light in the darkness, He is our Father. Thank you for reminding me of this. Prayer always…

  • Candie

    Oh Angie, Audrey’s flowers are beautiful. Hearing you speak about your cemetary experience just brought tears to my eyes. I had the same feeling visiting Emmalee’s grave. It made me cry seeing how small the grave was and I wanted so much to dig her up and take her back to Jon & Ali alive. I ask God why every night as I rock Lauren to sleep. His ways are not our ways, and it’s so hard to understand sometimes. I’m not sure if you’ve had the chance to look at the book “Mommy, Please Don’t Cry…There Are No Tears In Heaven” by Linda DeYmaz. It’s a beautiful book written from the viewpoint of a child in heaven. The illustrations are gorgeous and it will give you a new perspective on Audrey’s new life. I’m so glad that you got to spend time with Sara. Please know that I am still praying for you, Sara, Nicol, and Adrienne.

  • Celesta

    Angie,
    Your transparency and vulnerability has helped me better understand what a friend of mine is going through now. I don’t suppose I’ve ever truly felt empathy until now. You gave me that gift and I have cried many tears for my friend and for you.

    Thank you,
    Celesta

  • dlyn

    I have heard the heart of a child of His, bent by grief, but strong in Him. An encouragement and a hope, no matter the circumstance. Prayers going up for your family today.

  • Michelle Bentham

    Angie,

    My heart is moved with compassion for you. I know you know, but my heart is beating out a song born of a grieving moms heart.

    I often think my grief must be so different because I am grieving the loss of a child who lived 17 years with me – and I count that a blessing and a gift that I had him that long – but, reading your words tonight, Momma’s who lose infants have the same longings that Momma’s who lose nearly grown children feel.

    I remember the first cold, cold winter day after Justin died. At that time I was going to the cemetery at least once maybe more times a week. I always – and I do mean always – took flowers. I don’t know why – he would have hated it. He would have preferred root beer and a Slim Jim, so maybe next time I go I will leave a little gift for his groundskeeper. I remember the day in October when they marked his grave with a permanent stone.

    But that cold winter day, as the blustery wind blew so hard I could barely stand to be outside – I drove the half hour to his resting place and got out of my car bundled in warm sweats and a heavy hunting jacket. My hands were popsicles as they retreated into my sleeves after catching a few tears. Only to pop back out to collect a few more seconds later. I was oh so sad, and this day seemed to match the deep and darkening despair that was resting in my heart. Each day passed a little more with the hurt.

    I would pray a while to God – always started out the same, “Lord God, please do not allow my child to become an idol who stands between me and You. Please take care of him for me until I get to come home. Please hug him for me and tell him his momma loves him and misses him so much… ” I would go on like this for a while and then I would start to talk to Justin. About birthdays that had passed and ones that were coming up. I would tell him about church and the kids he knew and ran with. I would tell him how much he was missed and loved and then as the bitter wind chilled my tears and my body to the bone… I said, out loud, “Oh Justin, I’m so sorry, I should have brought you a blanket.”

    Silence. Crazy, odd, awkward silence as my mind returned to reality and I caught a glimpse in my mind’s eye of me tucking his grave in with a blanket. Thoughts that would bring me to think I was insane a year ago made me cry as well as gave me odd comfort all at the same time.

    I asked my husband one night nearly a year later, “Wives who lose their husbands are called Widows, children who lose their parents are called orphans… but what would my title be?”

    I later learned that I am a Bereaved Parent. Interestingly enough – I did a study on bereaved in the Bible and found the Hebrew word (bereaved only shows up in the Old Testament) means “properly to miscarry… bereave of children, barren… be (make) childless, deprive, destroy, expect, lose children, miscarry, rob of children, spoil” (Hebrew Strong’s Reference 7921 – shakal).

    In that moment, I realized that to be a bereaved parent is a grief that God specifically identifies in His Word. A grief specific to losing a child. And, Angie, you are in the depths of it. You will have moments of respite, and you will have moments when you say to yourself, “Audrey should be here.”

    Hang onto God, continue the sorting process no matter how messy it gets. Mourning is a prerequisite for joy. And, the Joy of the Lord is coming, sister. It may be a while, but it will come just the same… and You will find a day when the pain only aches instead of throbs and the wounds only sting – they no longer bleed.

    I honestly didn’t want those days to come – I wanted nothing – and I do mean nothing in my life to ever change. I did not want to move ahead because to me moving ahead meant leaving behind – and I could not leave him there. I did not want anyone to forget that I had a son.

    A little more than a year after my loss I remember passing a picture in the hall and asking, out loud, “Were you every that real to me?”

    The moments come, they come with shock and surprise. They come with overwhelming emotion and they linger for days, weeks even months. My worst period of grieving was four months. I grew ill, felt hopeless, and like no one on earth knew exactly how I felt. I didn’t want them to… but, I wanted so much for someone to reach out to me in my pain and say it is going to be all right. And, finally, someone did.

    Take your time, and thank you for sharing your fragile and broken heart with us in these early days of your grief journey. I am lifting you to our Father in prayer. May you feel His arms around you, His peace be upon you and His love fill your heart in the days ahead. I pray you are comforted most of all.

    Blessings.

  • Gina

    There are no words to explain how sorry I am……..still praying for you in Pennsylvania…….

  • Ethan and Emily

    I am so thankful to have found your blog. My son has been gone for almost 5yrs now. And i still sometimes feel as u do. I just want to still mother him. When i read your story so many times i just nod at the screen and know exaclty what u are saying. Thank u for being able to write what u feel and sharing it with others. I know i am deeply touched. And know exaclty what you feel.

  • Julie

    I am moved to the point there are no words. I pray for the holy spirit to give me the words. I know as you write the Holy spirit is leading you and God is speaking. I hear him and see him in your words, they do make sense.

  • Daddy’s Dream ~Mommy’s Miracle

    Angie,
    I emailed you a few months ago and told you of the loss of our son. I want you to know that as I read your blog today, I felt at peace knowing that someone else knows the feeling of sobbing over a grave and wanting to be a parent to a child that isn’t “here.” Your words comfort me.

    Love,
    Destiny Peters

  • Julie

    I have just prayed for you and will continue to every time you come to mind. Peaks and valley’s… absolutely.

    I am praying for you to have comfort and peace during your times of grief. And comfort and peace as well when your little girls make you smile or when your hubby hugs you. Our God is BIG. BIGGER than we can even comprehend. And He is with us when we are suffering.

    You are loved, supported and cherished. Please keep sharing even when it’s tough b/c God is using you in profound ways. Your heart is beautiful.

    Your friend in Him,
    Julie

  • Wendy

    Oh, Angie…my heart goes out to you and I will continue to pray. May you feel the constant, loving presence of our Father sustaining you.

  • Jennifer

    I am still praying for you. Those are such beautiful flowers.

  • Misty Rice

    Dear Friend (you are my friend although we have never met face to face) -

    My heart aches today reading your blog. I have tears running down my face and pouring into my lap because I don’t care to wipe them away just yet.

    Yesterday (Monday) I wrote in excitement on my blog celebrating my little girls 3 Month birthday. I wrote about all her accomplishments and posted a picture.

    Then today reading your blog it hit me, I said I will always remember Audrey as I celebrate Morgans birthday and I didn’t, I forgot. It probably didn’t help that I had an emotional break down yesterday, im going through a divorce. I was so caught up in all of that yesterday. Not to do so again, Audrey is important to me too.

    Today I am a mother feeling the pain of another mother. I can’t help it. I have to feel it because I can never fully imagine how it is you make it through sometimes. You words are so detailed and so easy to hear and feel.

    I know it is easy to tell you to not feel guilty about the flowers, but I know that doesn’t help. I want to go put flowers there for her too. I want to dig her up and wrap her in a blanket and I want kiss her checks. I am right there with you as if she were my own little girl.

    I often think about if something where to happen to either of my kids. I can’t imagine putting them under the ground. I would have anxiety attacks that what if they woke up and couldn’t breath. It’s an awful thought and no parent, no mommy should have to feel such hurt and pain.

    I always say that I couldn’t get through life if something were to happen to my kids. I often fear that I truly am not strong enough to survive such trauma. That is why I want to make sure that I get on my knees and I am thankful EVERY SINGLE day for my blessings.

    Thank you again for sharing something so intimate and personal. Thank you for the pictures. The flowers are perfect!!! It has to be hard to find that balance, especially on holidays when you want to be happy and share it with the family still with you, with out feeling torn and guilty not being with little Audrey or feel as though you don’t care or forgot about her, because we know you never do nor will you ever. Just know that you can’t do no wrong, everything is understandable and YOU my friend are very supported by so many.

    God Bless my sister is Christ and my heart is with you and your family today.

  • snbjork

    Thank you, Angie, for sharing your recent experience with the music. As a musician, the analogy really spoke to me. I have been struggling lately. Well, I am always struggling with life, but I have good days here and there. I needed to read your words today. For the first time in weeks I have felt a little more alive and capable of doing what God wants me to do. Keep the bow steady….that’s my job. He will do the rest.

  • Juls

    It’s called graveside parenting. I know this not because I am a graveside parent, but a graveside “aunt.” My best friend had 2 bury her 2 month old daughter. While my friend lives a couple of hours from me, her daughter is buried just minutes from my house. So I have taken that responsibility on to care for the burial site. Mom does it when she is able and in town. But we go just whenever we can. My children find it completely normal to play ring around the rosie or sing happy birthday at the cemetary. You just change what normal is. So, my friend calls me the graveside aunt. It’s such an incredible honor to do it for her too.

  • Kristin

    Praying for you today. Read this earlier and said a prayer for you: “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give you thanks forever.” Psalm 30:12
    May you find Joy in Him today even in the midst of the tears And may you dance before Him today as He sings over you (Zephaniah 3:17)

  • Carla

    Angie,
    I have shared your blog with many people and I am so in awe of how honest and couragous your posts are. You are letting God work through you and through your valley to touch others. You can feel His love radiate through your posts. As I was reading, I was most struck about the rain. The rain that begins when you leave your house on the way to visit Audrey. I wanted to share with you how God also talked to me through rain. My husband and I have a beautiful 7 year old son. We wanted more children as soon as he was born, but we tried everything and after 2 miscarriages and a failed IVF, I knew our Plan A was not God’s. We turned to adoption. We got in the China Program and soon after the wait increased. So opened our search to Special Needs Children. Last June, our agency called with a referal. Just the day before my husband had posted about the song Bring the Rain and how it was speaking to his heart. We had waited and struggled for so long and wanted desperately to have another child. That next day our referral call came, but we were informed that she had a bi-lateral cleft lip/palate. When we opened the e-mail to see her picture, we were both taken back and fear and doubt set in immediately. We were so scared that we would not be able to handle a child with these needs. We prayed, I cried, we cried and we prayed. Was she our daughter is this really what God had planned for us. My husband and I lead worship at our church and that night we went to practice. Still unsure of what to do. We had been practing Bring the Rain for a few weeks and started to work on it that night. Suddenly while we were singing it the rain came through the sunshine. Rain and sun at the exact same moment while we were singing Bring the Rain, a song that had come to mean so much to us. We both looked at each other and knew, this was what God had planned for us. Praise God that He spoke to us and reassured us. Keep up your good work, I am praying for you, and feel so blessed that you are sharing your life with all of us in this way.

    In Him,
    Carla Lewter
    http://www.journeytocharlotte.com

  • Cody Spencer Freymuth

    Thank you Angie, I really needed to read your beautiful encouraging words today. I have been feeling so alone lately as if GOD has forgotten about my little guy. With every life robbing seizure he has, I feel alone. With every day that goes by without seeing a smile on his cute face, I feel alone. With every prayer for a healing miracle and yet nothing, I feel alone. Just feeling sad lately but I must remember I am not alone, GOD is with us.

    http://www.codyspencerfreymuth.com

  • Kelly

    I just want to hug you. Thinking of you.

  • Shannon

    This is my prayer for you: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

  • olivia and henry

    you thought your thoughts were jumbled…i think your thoughts were so perfectly expressed and inspired by the Lord. you are one precious precious woman, angie! i’m so happy that you were able to be with sara and her family. the pictures are beautiful. you are loved and prayed for by so many!!! thank you for continuing to share your life with us.
    angie (dallas, tx.)

  • Jill

    Angie…continuing to pray for you. As one who has walked where you are walking now, know that I think of you often and ask God to heal your heart as He has healed mine….I know that He will.

    Glad you were able to have such a nice weekend!

  • Darlene R.

    Angie,
    I don’t think a day will ever go by that I will not think to pray for you and your family. You are a beautiful soul with so much to offer through the words that you share about your life.
    It breaks my heart that I was with you for a solid week and didn’t get to know you. I know it does no good to look back and wish that I would have known you then. I remember sitting in the balcony of the lounge during the Selah concert and looking just to my right and you were sitting in that round thingy-ma-jig with your family, and your girls were about to give me heart failure because I was just sure one of them was going to fall off of that thing! Wow, that was a long sentence. Anyway, my point is that I wanted so badly to just walk over and hug you right then, but I didn’t know you. I didn’t want to bother you. Since then, you have quickly become one of my favorite people! I’m learning from you what it’s like to totally lean on God in all situations, no matter how bad you’re hurting or how much you just want to yell.
    You are a blessing to me, Ang.
    I’ll be praying for some extra special comfort this week for you.

    Love,
    Darlene

  • Kara Stoltzfus

    i know i am just comment 101 out of 100, but i need you to know how much your words touched my heart. we too lost a child, our first born son several hours after his birth. it’s been nearly 3 years and i still want to “mother him even in death”. he is buried at my parents peaceful estate and i take such pride in keeping his grave inviting & lovely. i’ll never forget the first time we went to the grave, shortly after his death (which was in october, so leaves were falling) and my husband starting picking up leaf after leaf and my eyes welled up in tears as i realize he was simply trying to keep his son’s resting place beautiful. your words struck a cord within me. thanks for your openness and i am so sorry for your loss. i pray you find peace and strength through the lord and support from family and friends.

  • Scott

    You song is an amazing song to listen too. I think that the peaks and valleys is what makes it unique and a great testimony to God. And when you write what you may think is a mess God again brings it shining through.

    Thank you! You are inspirational.

  • Mrs. U

    I am praying, dear sister in Christ.

    His,
    Shari

  • Alysa

    I wanted to share a “rain” moment with you…

    On June 10, 2005, I was visiting my parents while my husband was away. I was 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Something was going wrong, and I knew it. I went to the hospital. They did an ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. When the nurse came in to tell me, she cried and hugged me. I remember being so touched that she was crying for my baby. I was in shock. I was indescribably sad. We stopped by the grocery store on the way back to my parents’ house to fill a prescription. As I sat in the car just trying to comprehend what had happened, it started to rain. But the sun was shining at the same time. A spectacular rainbow appeared. I felt so strongly that God showed me His heart in that moment. He told me that no matter what happens, He always keeps his promises.

    Thanks again for pouring out your heart for all of us. Just let your words flow…you make beautiful music :)

  • Jeff and Amy

    As the words flow from your keyboard, know God is there with you, it’s beautiful. My heart aches for you as I read your sadness, and rejoices when I hear those glimmers of joy. Will keep you in my prayers. (((hug)))

  • katy

    First, I must tell you that I have looked at the photographs of your girls on the side of your blog many times over…
    but today I could not break the gaze from Audrey’s picture…it just captivated me…she truly looks like the most beautiful, delicate angel.
    Second, my heart continues to break for you, but I am thankful that you are still able to share your faith with us. Through the tears, we are ever so inspired.
    Thank you so much,
    & may the healing come for you
    & your family,
    even if it is in bits and pieces.
    In His capable hands, Katy

  • Jennifer

    Angie,
    I am totally with you as you write, even if you think it’s a mess. Maybe it is, but I’m in the mess with you. It’s been almost 2 months since I lost my baby (in utero), and I still have my peaks and valleys too. I had a choice to deliver the baby, (which I found out was a girl) but I chose not to. I think I will always second guess that decision – not being able to see her. I’ll never know. I just dream of the day I will see her again, Healthy and Whole.
    You are a beautiful person. Even though we haven’t met, from reading your blog it feels like I really know you. Your words make me feel like you’re giving me a giant hug, and for that I am thankful for you.
    May God bless you and yours.

    Jen

  • Stacy D

    Oh Angie,

    This post just spoke so deeply to my heart. As Spencer and I sit here making our birth plan, talking about making plans to speak with the people at the cemetery and the funeral home… I can relate so much to feeling like I am in the valley… and we haven’t even lost Isaac yet. I know that even in the 11th hour God could reach in and change all of this; but for now, our reality based on what we’re hearing is that he isn’t going to make it. Sometimes I just wish I could reach right in my tummy and hug him and hold him and kiss him and just tell him how much I love him. Thank you for your authenticity, your honesty, and your transparency… it helps me to know that I am not the only one who feels this way and that it’s ok.

  • Mom of three and two angels

    Wow Angie! You are amazing. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t sleep last night. I honestly was up at 2:00 a.m. checking your blog to see if you had any words of wisdom for me because I was just very sad, and missing my daughter, Mia. (I’m not stalking you by the way). I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. I feel now after reading your blog I could have been interceeding for you and your family? I’m so sorry that you lost sweet Audrey. I know how bad it hurts. I know how bad you miss her. I know that sometimes you can close your eyes and just smell her. I wish that you could hold her one last time. I wish that I could hold Mia one last time also. One day we will have a homecoming like no other. You will never stop being her mother. Everything you do on this earth is not only for her, but for her sissy’s and for her daddy and even for her mommy. I wish I had some awesome verse to give you that would make you “feel” better, but I can’t think of any right now. My eyes are full of tears and my head is cloudy. Just know that I will continue to pray for you.

    Marsha from KC

  • Sarah

    I just wanted you to know that as I read I kept thinking “YES, YES! I understand that!” My grandma died April 5th and I can’t count the times that I think about her under the ground and worry if she is cold or lonely. On the 4th, for reasons that are beyond me, I had the urge to go to the cemetary with food and my family and bring it all to her so that we could be with her. I had to stop and say to myself “No, she isn’t really there”. I think sometimes it is so hard for us to seperate the eartly form from the heavenly form. We attach ourselves to the physical form of a person as much as the spiritual and when we loose them it is hard to seperate that. Sometimes, in the moments when I am able to do that in my mind, I think about her and try to imagine what she is going through and what she is doing at that moment. I wonder if she still remembers all of us. She was not my child but I was as close to her as my own mother and her loss has left an unfillable void in my heart. I walk around every day feeling like there is this part of me gone that I don’t quite know what to do with. I guess maybe that is my quiet way of mourning her when I don’t cry. People don’t understand how I really am not dealing with it very well because they don’t see what I feel inside most of the time. It is hard but I do understand Angie because, in a different way, I am there too. I want you to know that I pray for you and love to read your entries. God truly speaks through your words.

    Sarah Jones

  • Andrea

    Hi Angie-
    Thank you for sharing this – even through the pain and jumbled thoughts. Praying you continue to feel God holding you as tightly as you desire to hold Audrey – even closer.

    Her story is beautiful.

    Praying in Christ,
    Andrea

  • Kelly Jene

    This is my first time commenting. I feel as though I’ve been on this journey with you. I’ve laughed and cried, rejoiced and mourned. I believe you should put this blog, these words, into a book. It could help so many hurting moms. You show how you can have all the painful emotions of grief and yet find the way to praise God through it, to find the beauty of His love in even the hardest moments.

    God bless you, sister. I pray He continues to reveal Himself in bigger ways.

  • created2teach

    Angie,
    You are a temple where He dwells
    Releasing the fragrance of His presence.
    For the thirsty, you have dug wells,
    Honoring the Father’s omniscience

    To the listening ear, you are His instrument
    Playing beautiful music despite your pain.
    Such a blessing it is to hear Him speaking
    Through the tatters of your rain.

  • Amy

    And God gives us beauty for ashes…

    Blessings to you and these other families tonight as you go to bed holding on to the only hope we have.

    Take care,
    Amy

  • Penny

    We are praying for you and your family today as we do everyday. The darkness is so hard to make your way through. After 3 years I still get caught up every once in a while. Our “normal” has a whole new meaning. You are a blessing and a light to so many.

    May God’s soverign grace fill you with peace.

    Penny

  • Daughter of Annie

    I thank God I have not suffered a loss like yours and I pray to God I do not – I read you blog every day because – first – I do pray for you – however you write so powerfully that it amazes me.

    You have so much to give to others – God is using you beyond measure.

    In my prayers daily – Mary

  • The O’Hare Family

    I just prayed for you…

    Love in Christ,
    Michelle O’Hare

  • Cheryl

    You never write garbbled mess…it all flows beautifully and inspires so many -especially me! Praise be to God who writes through you.

    I came to your site today for special encouragement. My 5 year old nephew was just airlifted this afternoon to Children’s Hospital in Columbus after seizing and becoming unresponsive.

    It just began to thunder and rain…I know God is reminding me that He is here too!

    Thank you! Praying for you today!

  • The Fabulous Ms. Beth

    I am praying for you as you mourn your beautiful daughter. There will be days that seem so hard and the tears will continue to flow as you think about your sweet baby girl, and there will be days when you’ll smile thinking of her. I hope that the days you smile come more readily with time. It tugs at my heartstrings when I saw how you wanted to dig into the ground and wrap Audrey up nice and warm. Up until then, I thought I was the only one who had thoughts like that. I feel when I bring my sweet angel Charlie things to decorate his grave, that I’m still doing something for him, I’m still mothering him. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with all of us. I know personally it makes me feel less alone in my journey through grief.

  • Michal Ann

    Angie, you are so right that the enemy makes a great weapon of the sense that we are alone in our suffering. Comfort and TRUTH is here in the Word: I Peter 5:8-11 v. 8 Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. 9 Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.

    10 In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. 11 All power to him forever! Amen.

    We are not alone as you so ably express. Let’s never forget to beat back the great liar and deceiver with the mighty Sword of the Word.

    Thank you for inspiring and comforting me and so many.

    In His strong and faithful love, Michal

  • Tara Marie

    Angie,
    I was thinking about you the other day when I was singing (not well that is) in the car to Selah and was wondering if you can sing???

    Your husband has an amazing God given talent as do you with your words. I am so thankful I can read God worshipping blogs and God worshipping music! haha!

    <3 In Him,
    Tara Marie

  • Michal Ann

    p.s. I have had duplicate cassette tapes of John Catchings’ incredibly beautiful cello music for many years! “Why did I run across them just today??” :) GOD is in the details! Loving you some more with the precious love of Jesus! Michal Ann

  • Tara Smith

    Reading your story reminds me so much of Job’s story. I don’t know you. I don’t know your patience, but I do know that I can compare you to Job in one way.

    When God allowed Satan to tempt Job by taking away everything that was dear to him, he never turned his face from God. Satan told God that Job would turn away if he were stripped of all of his blessings.

    He didn’t. He was tested beyond belief. (We’ve been having a discussion in class about whether Job was tested, tempted, or persecuted. Tested and persecuted are my answers.)

    He lost his family, his livestock, his everything. He was covered in painful sores from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. He never turned from God.

    Instead he worshipped him. He said that what God giveth, he can so take away. He said he entered the world naked, and naked he would leave. I understand him to say that whatever things/family/blessings he received in between entering and leaving the world are temporary and given by God. To God be the glory.

    You may have only been able to hold the physical Audrey for a short, short time. But her blessings will be with you always.

    And no, I don’t expect you to shave your head or strip naked like Job did :)

  • Elisa fuckin’ Weissefoulderssen

    Hi Angie.
    I’m not religeous (I just believe in God and I have my own particular way to talk to Him, I never told this to anyone), I’m not a mother yet and I never lost a child. I readed on CBB when Audrey were born, and since then I always read you blog.
    I just want to say Hi, You are a wonderful person and that I pray for you and your family every nitgh.
    I’m sorry if there is something wrong writing, I’m from Brazil, I understand english 100% but I have some difficulty to write or Speak.
    PS: Lovely pictures. The girls are so cute!… and the others are not that bad (Just Kidding). Is that Kate? She looks big. :)

    elisa

  • Mrs. N.

    The Lord writes through you. He takes over when we ache and cannot seem to get our thoughts together and He beautifully weaves the connections from heart to heart. I think I say this every time I comment, but you are so beautiful…your heart, though broken is radiant with the love it feels for its Father and that radiance beams through your words. I am also so glad you posted, because it has been a while since you have and I was getting concerned. Blessings and love to you. And my prayers are with you always and I will post something requesting your desire for more prayers at this time. I know the high and lows of grief and how one moment laughter sneaks in and the next moment crumbling occurs. Keep remembering that as you “crumble” the Lord is holding you together and giving His strength to you so that you may stand on it once again when ready..

  • valerie

    I read your blog on a regular basis.
    I am keeping you close in prayer.
    I’ve never had to experience a loss such as this and I think it would be unbearable. God is faithful and just and he loves you so much and is so proud of you for sharing your faith through this with so many who are hurting as well. Your posts give others hope.
    Remember God bottles up all of those tears. They are so special to Him.
    Love,
    Valerie

  • Amanda

    I wish that I could carry some of your hurt for you (and Sara and Nicol). I hope that God gives you peace today. I will be thinking and praying for you.

  • Jacquie

    Angie, you can just FEEL what you are going through as you bear your soul. I continue to pray for you and thank God for how He is using you through your pain.

  • Dr. Erin and Mr. Heath

    You ARE making her story beautiful. You are an amazing instrument of God’s. You allow God to speak through you in such a way that even those of us who have not experienced the death of a child are able to apply your blog to our lives. Thank you so much for your willingness to share and allow Him to use you. Every time you post, I want to send it to everyone I know so that they too can be touched by your words.
    Praying for you tonight,
    Erin

  • MCK Mama

    I will be praying for you and your family!!!!! What an amazing story you have…and what a blessing to read of how God’s faithfulness is so interwoven. A reader of my own blog just pointed me to you today…as we, sadly, learned during my ultrasound today of some complications with our fourth little baby’s heart. But God is good and I will stand on that knowledge, as I see you are, too. Blessings.

  • Mamajeh

    I can’t imagine your hurt, but I can understand wanting to mother your child. I understand wanting to cover them and care for them and have one more moment. . .you are in my prayers and are never far from my thoughts.

    Thank you for your transparency and the love you have for our great Father.

  • Diana

    A week ago tomorrow, we burried my niece’s little boy, not quite two months old. We were honored to hold him his last moments of life in the NICU. We knew we were holding onto his life when God was deperately trying to get us to see that He wanted him!

    I cried when you said all you wanted was to hold Audrey – that’s what Mommy’s do! Even though Baby Andrew wasn’t MY baby, I still felt like his little body was needing arms to hold him – it was everything I could to not pick him up from the casket – I know my niece was thinking the same thing.

    Many blessings!
    Diana Castellanos
    San Antonio TX

  • Amy

    Angie-
    You are so right, you may not know HOW God uses your words to help others. I read alot of your comments and it shines right thru the words that you help others. There is no doubt that you are helping them heal, believe and love. You have helped me not take ONE second for granted. You are an amazing writer. If ever you are published please let me know. There are no coincidences in life-you and Sara need each other and God gave her to you.
    On my knees for you and your family today-Amy

  • Corey Re’

    Praying daily for your family. When the wind is harsh, may you still hear the whisper of the Father, saying “I am here”, above the noise of the storm. Thank you for daily sharing your heart with us. You, your family and sweet Audry have touched our lives in a way, you will not fully understand till the day we are united in heaven.

  • paperglueetc

    Angie-thank you I needed an “Angie Post”, your post today reminded me of the first couple of days after Baby James was cremated, my sweet husband took him EVERYWHERE with him, including the dry cleaners I still giggle when I think about the stories the people at the cleaners probably told their families about “the crazy man with the urn” I finally convienced him after the memorial service that Baby James was home and he needed to stay there, I’ve been thinking about you!!!

  • Mandy

    I so relate to your feelings, especially the wanting to continue to “mother”. But what I most identify with is the digging up part. So many times, I have fought the desire to just start digging until I could get my hands on Madeline again and then I felt like I would be alright. Of course, I have never acted on this but I still think about it after a year. God bless you as you share your heart. You are such an inspiration and I enjoy coming here each day to see what you have to say.

    Mandy
    GA
    http://www.madelinegracefoundation.com

  • Jess

    Ang,

    I’ve so been waiting for pictures from your visit with Sara and her family. What a wonderful time you all must have had!! I wish I could’ve been there to share those magnificent moments with you. I pray someday that I can.

    Please know that EVERYTHING you write makes complete sense. Your words flow so gracefully and it brings such joy to my days when you write. :) I will continue to pray for you, as always.

    Keep going strong. You are such an amazing woman and I’m honored to call you my Sister in Christ!

    Love you tons,
    Jess :)

    P.S. Sending big HUGS, too!!

  • So Blessed

    When you are in the valley, there are many of us who are lifting you in prayer…and our loving Father reaches out to you with His righteous right hand to help you and pull you up. Keep your eyes on Him…and when you can’t get there on your own, we will be your stretcher bearers…and lift you to Him. With my prayers.

  • vdt

    hi. A friend referred me to your blog. I am so sorry about your daughter. I can’t imagine the pain. I just found out today that I miscarried. I am such a wreck right now. The baby was only around 6 weeks developed, but should have been around 10. Last week we had a heartbeat(slow,but there was one) today none. I grief, but I feel like I shouldn’t be grieving b/c people tell me it wasn’t a baby, but it was to me… I had hopes, dreams, etc. Then I look at what you went through and feel bad b/c my situation was nothing compared to the pain that your had to bare. I am fighting with some many emotions. Any advice? Thanks… and blessings to you.

  • padillafamily

    You don’t know me other than being a sister in Christ…sharing the same beautiful relationship with Him. I know that you are struggling and finding words has to often be hard. Please don’t doubt the words you type on this blog. I cling to the beautiful and inspiring words that you write and I feel like the Lord wanted me to pass along that you are making total sense…especially of this time in your life. You have told a story of beauty…Audrey’s beauty…God’s beauty…and I know it inspires people beyond words to read what you have to say. I check the blog every day just to hear more inspiration from you. :) We are expecting our second child in September and ironically are leaning toward Audrey as a name. I cried and cried tears of sadness and hurt for you as I read your blog from beginning to present a few weeks ago. I can’t imagine your pain, but you are doing a phenomenal job getting through these trials and tribulations! Praying for you, Janna

  • parry05

    Dear Angie,
    I have been reading your blog for a while now. I guess when I saw the solar light on Audrey’s grave I felt I had to write. My big brother Tommy killed himself 2.5 years ago after battling mental illness. He was a cancer doctor–a gifted healer of many. He has no headstone or plaque because due to a bitter marriage his wife will not put one on his grave. I wish her healing. My siblings and I did erect a small wooden cross on his burial site and I placed a light, just like the one Audrey has. I lost a nephew to SIDS 7 years ago and almost lost my mother to a suicide attempt 6.5 years ago. I really feel a kinship with you in our losses and I hope I will develop a strong a faith as you have. I am working on it–believe me. I want to thank you for how generous you have been with your feelings and experiences. I remember how you said that Audrey could have had Down’s Syndrome but you would welcome it because it would mean she would be alive. I have a son who has ADD as well as some other non specefic developmental challenges. You helped me see how fortunate I am that he is alive and here in our family. You see sometimes I got on the “Poor me” tangent and did not appreciate my son like I should. I just want you to know that I am a Mom who has benefitted from the story of Audrey and I will always be greatful to God for putting her here on this Earth even for those few short hours because she changed my life. Thank you and God Bless you and your beautiful family.
    Mary Beth in Tampa

  • karen44

    Angie,
    Years ago I purchased a John Catchings album. I don’t know why. I’d never really listened to instrumental music and I’m not even sure how I’d heard of him. But I agree — he’s really wonderful to listen to. And now I’m less intimidated to buy a Christian instrumental album.

    That said, I think the hardest times to “hold on” are when we think we’re at the end of our rope — only to find out that there’s more rope for us to slip down on.

    I’m at what I’m hoping is the bottom of my own rope, ready to start climbing up again. And as long as we know that God’s timing is always perfect, and we trust and believe that God has our best interests at heart, we can hold on for so much longer than we ever thought we could. God will get you through. It’s hard. It’s long. But He’s watching over you and helping you through every step of the way.

    Love and blessings to you, Nicol and Sara.
    -karen l.

  • Ali Blogger

    I’ve been praying for you and your family. Your story has touched my life. I’ve given you an award! Check it out at http://procrastinationandthensome.blogspot.com/2008/07/sharing-love.html

  • KK

    Sweet “Stranger No More”, my prayers are with you and your family and we do understand what you write, even when you don’t think we do. I read this early today and when I read your post, it made me go back and read again:
    Continue to have faith and do what you know is right. Some people have rejected this, and their faith has been shipwrecked.
    1 Timothy 1:19
    I sit a few feet from a man on death row. Jewish by birth. Tentmaker by trade. Apostle by calling. His days are marked. I’m curious about what bolsters this man as he nears his execution. So I ask some questions.
    Do you have family, Paul? I have none. What about your health? My body is beaten and tired…Any awards? Not on earth. Then what do you have, Paul? No belingings…No family…What do you have that matters? I have my faith. It’s all I have. But it’s all I need. I have kept the faith. Paul leans back against the wall of his cell and smiles. (When God Whispers Your Name, Max Lucado, Grace For The Moment)
    When Paul leans back … and smiles, I am reminded of you and your precious daughters fighting over your purse!!!!! Lets keep the faith, together.
    Philemon 4
    Thanks for sharing your heart and soul and the ‘story’ of your weekend with precious Sara, Nicol and your families. I continue to pray for each and every one of you, without ceasing, Kaye

  • Beth Brown

    Oh Angie, I am so very sorry. All I can say now is that it gets better. I know how you feel and I ache that you will find the blessings that come from even this pain…You will find them…and God does love you! Audrey is warm, and she is not scared…she is happier than you can imagine.

    You are loved!

    Beth

  • Stephanie

    As usual, I am blessed by your post, Angie, and amazed that you have the courage & God gives the strength to be so open about a pain so deep and private.

    I had the opportunity to hear a most powerful sermon over the weekend at a full day spiritual feed. The speaker was talking about Jesus in Gethsemane, which just about every Christian has read, I’m sure… but I never really saw it the way Elder Vendon presented it.

    Basically his entire point was this: Jesus was in control through the entire crucification process. If He had really wanted to prove Satan’s accusations against Him were false, all He had to do was let sin take its natural course here. He could have done that, but he wanted us, too. That’s why He came to die. Not because He had to, but because He wanted to. If God loves us that much, how can we not believe that He will be there when we are at our worst; when the worst days of our lives have come?

    I took down a couple of his one-liners that will hopefully give you and all the other readers encouragement:

    # Jesus is not hiding from us – rather tracking us down.
    # Heaven could have gone on without us. But God chose to send Jesus to save us.

    And because He saves us, we know we will all get to know Audrey in person, in the flesh, and when that day comes, I know, Angie, you will be one of the happiest moms under heaven and earth, showing off her brand new baby – again.

    I will continue to pray for your family and those whose lives you have touched.

  • Jill

    Angie,

    I wish I could drive over, give you a hug and just let the tears fall as He hugs you through me.

    I know every person who has been blessed to hear of your story or has been here following it is grateful for every word you share!

    You are an inspiration to many and your heart shines for Him so brightly. The hard moments are where He shines the most. Let Him shine through each broken piece – He knows the dark and lonely road. Which you know now is NOT lonely at all – thousands pray for you daily and He will NEVER leave you nor forsake you! His love endures forever!

    There isn’t a moment that you ache that He isn’t aching right with you.

    I am so grateful for God to have chosen such a perfect vessel to speak to His hurting, lonely, broken and just wanting to know Him more – you!

    Your time with Sara sounds wonderful and the pictures of the two of you together warms my heart deeply! I praise Him for all those that He has brought into your life to walk this journey with you. The two of you are so beautiful – inside out!

    Love and blessings – Jill
    PS The girls new doo’s are precious! Kate has gotten so big!

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • maggiemaeupdates

    crying with you tonight.

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • Christa, Andy, Lucy & Chloe

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and prayers with us. Thinking of you and praying for you during this time in the valley. I think of you and how strong your faith is and how you can lean on Him during these times. My prayers also go out to all of those who do not yet know Him and are also suffering through tremendous loss.
    What a beautiful way to spend the day with your family (((hugs)))

  • Jane

    Angie, I read your blog often but have never commented. I am not at all religious, and feel a bit of a fraud reading and appreciating your beautiful words. Although I am not a believer, your words bring me peace. You are a beautiful person – inside and out.

    Love to you,

    Jane

  • Big Mama

    You are telling her story with beauty and grace. Truly.

  • Denise

    Nearly 9 months later, I still worry about Matthew being in the ground alone. I know he isn’t there, but the desire to comfort and hold him is so strong some days that I can’t trust myself. I feel guilty if even a couple days pass without me going to the cemetery or if his site is bare. We have a family tradition to visit Matthew at the cemetery every Sunday, it’s nice to be all together in a way.

  • Hailey

    There is a song in your heart that sings out to so many. No matter what life hands you, you keep singing. Thank you for touching my life in so many ways. You will never know how you have saved me. For that, I am forever grateful.
    Hailey

  • Judy

    Oh thank you, thank you. I just needed to be reminded to “keep my hand steady on the bow.” It is so hard for me to realize that life is not in my control. I hate it, but it’s true. It’s especially hard when children are involved and there are three little lives in my world that I just need to entrust to the Lord. Your blog has been a great encouragement to me. For over a month now I’ve been lurking and it was definitely time to “de-lurk.” Know that I’m praying for you and that I cried with you tonight. God is turning your ashes into something beautiful and you blessed me tonight!

  • connorcolesmom

    I know I have said this before but your heart just shines God’s love!!

    I have been so inspired by you and continue to pray for you :)

    I love how God has brought you friends that are in a similar situation so you can encourage one another
    You and Sara are just beautiful – inside and out!
    Praying you through your peaks and valleys!
    God bless
    Kim

  • Randie Sanders

    Angie I just heard something AMAZING this weekend that made me think of you. It was the fourth of July weekend and we were at church listening to Dave Roever (he was badly injured in the war and has chosen to serve God GLORIOUSLY on earth by opening Eagles Summit Ranch and he does many many other wonderful things for the Lord … http://www.daveroever.org/index.php). He had a grenade go off right in his face and lost half the skin on his body. After struggling with suicide and wanting to quit on God he was on TBN talking to a woman (can’t remember her name) and she asked him “Dave do you know why God allowed you to be injured” and he was thinking sarcastically “Oh great this blue haired wonder is going to change my life by telling me why”(lol they are good good friends now btw!) and she said something that changed his life forever… “God trusted you enough to live with the scars.” I tremble as I write that…

    I know SO many times even though you are greatful your tragedy has brought hope and life to so many you have to think why. Why me God? Maybe he knew in you a heart that he could trust with the scars Angie.

    I know you are young but I feel like you have become a mother in faith to so many women who have lost children. I myself have not but my very good friend Kylie has lost two dear children that she birthed into this world (a girl at 17 1/2 weeks alive for 11 minutes and a boy still born at 21 1/2 weeks) and she reads your blog and is so encouraged.

    You have truely chosen to pur yourself out unto to the Lord through this blog. I guarantee Angie that God has never seen or heard such beautiful praise as rises from this blog. I know it’s so so sweet to Him. You could chose to hide your pain but you open yourself even to probably some horrible comments and mean spirited people but you do it all the same for the ones who are hungry.

    Your blog means so much to me. I can just feel the Spirit of God vibrating off the computer screen…it’s so amazing how you are letting Him work through you. Please don’t ever stop. You write beautifully and put into words feelings I have long had and could never describe…and I love to write?!! lol. God BLESS you and your family and keep you Angie.

    Praying for you in Texas,
    Randie

  • Celie

    Angie, I so wish to reach out and hold your Dear one, to just be there for you. To comfort those tears, let them flow dear one . God delight in each one he has caught in a bottle, he is that near. God had a purpose for you little Audrew. As she sits at you fathers feet. God gave you this little one and through eternity you will get to behold her. To glory in the one who made her to see you carry forth the light of his word to others who are hurting. You are fulfilling the purpose she was created for. I know the pain is sometimes more in this flesh then we are able to bear. But God is making a way and through that he is shining bright. Dear one keep pressing towards that mark. He is able to give you the strength to press on. My prayers are with you all. Loving from a far,praying,praising Phi 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: Phi 1:12 But I would ye should understand, brethren, that the things which happened unto me have fallen out rather unto the furtherance of the gospel;

  • Randie Sanders

    Okay Angie I just HAD to include one more part of his sermon…

    He said that he took the stick the devil beat him down with in that dirt where laid hopeless, feeling alone and in more pain than he had ever felt before…and he BEAT him with it. He is now the ONLY non chaplain allowed to tour with the soldiers and visit them. He goes in the field, the jungles wherever there are men who need him. It is his passion. Please let me know Angie if you would like his sermon…it blessed me so much and remember…BEAT the devil (as your are) with the stick he tried to destroy you with. There is nothing I can imagine more devestating than the loss of a child but I see in you Job’s spirit. You beat the devil with that stick he tried to kill your heart with EVERY time you post here. Every TIME you reach out to someone. satan is so evil he cannot be described. But he was beaten. He is powerful but OUR JESUS is more so. Beat him with that stick Angie.
    In Love,
    Randie

  • Mrs4444

    The flowers are beautiful, but just so you know, every song that you play or sing in her memory is like a bouquet of the most beautiful flowers. Those flowers never wilt or die. She hears you.

  • lori

    I am just gonna say I am praying for you

  • Sarah

    I’m praying for you, Sara, and Nicol. May God comfort you all tonight.

  • Marci @Finding Joy in the Journey

    What a great way to put it into words, keeping your hands steady on the bow. I think those are the lessons I seem to be getting over and over lately. Surrender. Obey. He is sovereign. Doesn’t mean I’ve totally gotten it yet, but your blog keeps showing me his path. He is using you to lead some and build up others, thank you for handing yourself over to Him for his purpose even if it is heartbreaking.

    I’m so glad you and Sara found each other. He always gives us the tools we need, even when those tools are people. I lost my dad just days before you lost Audrey. My dad had cancer and we knew he wasn’t going to make it, so we had some time to mentally prepare too. It seems there are things now that are so much more raw then they were three months ago, maybe bits and pieces of it are really just sinking in. I know my loss was much different than yours but I still can totally understand how you feel when you just want to hold her one more time.

    My prayers are still with you!

    In His Love,

    Marci

  • rebecca

    Angie,

    Your words and your spirit are so beautiful….I ache for you at the loss of your little girl.
    You have helped my eyes to open as to what pain my sister-in-law must have felt when she lost her little girl at 35 weeks. She and her husband were able to hold Hannah and spend precious moments with her, but she had never taken a breath….she was already gone to be with the Lord when they delivered her. The doctors never found a reason for her death and my sister-in-law blamed herself over and over because of it. How I grieve for all of the mommies and daddys of these precious Little Ones who are taken too soon!
    You and your sweet family are in my prayers daily.
    This blog is such a blessing to me….you have brought me closer to the Lord with your story and your words.
    Leaning on and trusting in the Lord through such times are blessings that we as His children have…..I sure do not know how I could make it through this journey here on earth without my faith and His love.
    God Bless You All!

  • mandy

    i just wanted to tell you that your desire to dig up the dirt so that you could hold your precious daughter resonated with me. five years ago we buried our son, oliver and i wanted to do the same. i had the same questions about his warmth and fear of the dark. at the time i wondered if i was crazy but i knew it was just the mommy in me. normal life does slip in and though many said that time would heal our wounds i knew it was not time that would heal but God Himself. thank you for sharing Audrey’s beautiful story.

  • beccad

    I know what you mean about being in a valley. I don’t know your valley but I have my own and I’m desperately trying to come out of it. I feel so guilty about Julianna’s condition and her having surgery, like I caused it or didn’t do enough to prevent it. Which I know neither is true but as her momma I feel like I should have helped her somehow. I will lift you up in my prayers and I ask the same of you. I would love to meet you on one of our many trips to Nashville for her post-op visits. We actually have one tomorrow at VCH.

  • Fran

    Just so beautiful Angie! I never know what to say after reading your amazing posts, other than “God is just beautiful through you.”

    Blessings and prayers over you and your precious family.

    Hugs,
    Fran

  • Amanda

    Praying with you as you make your way through this valley. Audrey’s flowers are beautiful. Bless you, Angie, for sharing your heart with us.

  • Sue

    still praying every night and everyday for all of you

  • assambagwell

    I don’t post alot, but I read often. Your blog tonight really touched me. I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. I know how it feels to want to mother a child that is no longer on this earth. Levi, my son, was born and passed away on April 25th, 2008. I have missed him SO much for the past several days. My heart literally hurts. If I could just kiss his little cheeks one more time…I’d give anything. I catch myself riding by the cemetary just to tell him good morning even though I know he’s not really there. I imagine what he would look like at 10 weeks old…I know he would have these cute little fat legs…the kind that looks like there’s string tied around them. And I know he would be smiling when he heard my voice or felt my touch. Even after all this time, my breasts still ache to feed him. I’m just really having a hard time right now…please pray for me. I just feel so empty and want him back!

    I’m praying for you girl!

    Stephanie
    sbbagwell@charter.net

  • lissilulu

    praying for you Angie. I am so glad that Nicol visited with you. There is such solace in having a friend that knows when to sit and listen and when to laugh when we are mourning.

    I have not lost a child and cannot imagine the grief that you have to bear.I have lost a husband to divorce though and while it doesnt seem parallel to your journey the words you use to describe your pain minister to me.

    Just like you passionately described feeling sitting at Audrey’s grave, I long to dig up the past and make my marriage and family whole again.

    Lord Bless you and Keep you Dear Friend.
    Lori

  • queenie76

    OH ANGIE! I’m stillamazed athow you have been handling all this. Friends who have beenthru the same and music are always good therapy.
    Also, I had you on my mind not too long ago , just wondeirng how you were. I can’t imagine teh frustration that you feel as a mommy wantig so much to be there for sweet Audrey. I pray that God wil bring you peace and I was reminded of the book that you mentioned with the Purtain prayers, I have it and have for 10 yrs now, I think tonight I will take another look. I am always praying for you and may the peace of the Lord be always with you.
    Tara Adams, Nashville

  • Liz

    You’re so right. Grief comes in waves. You think you’re doing OK & then wham….you’re ambushed with all those emotions again, and usually as the result of some small thing that you’re not looking out for. HUGS!

  • vaneblu

    we will continue praying for you… Audrey has changed so many peoples life, God has a way of doing things…

  • neverforsaked

    Angie,
    You and your family are in my prayers. Thanks for your openess and sharing with us. I am not a cryer, but I get tears in my eyes frequently as I read your blog. I pray that God gives you the strength that you need to make it through each day.

  • lynette

    It is a beautiful song and it’s bringing life to this broken heart again. It’s 8 months now since I lost my last baby and sometimes the valleys seem to stretch on so much further than I feel i can walk. I know now I’m not alone and that helps so much more than I can say here. Thank you…

    “Hear my voice softly as a gentle breeze
    I am here, a whisper playing with the trees
    Feel my kiss, a moonbeam on my mother’s hair
    Don’t grieve for me for I am there.

    See me in a flower on a summers day
    In a snowdrop as it bends it’s head to pray
    A raindrop glistening on a robin’s wing
    Don’t cry, listen – hear the angels sing.

    Feel me in a snowflake as it melts in your hand
    On the softness of a thistledown that floats across the land
    Don’t cry, look out upon the world and see
    In everything that;s beautiful, there’s me.”

  • Jennifer Carpenter

    I think the Lord has blessed you with a gift for words. The way you tell your story is such a blessing and can be easily seen as an inspiration to so many.

    I pray God will help you to go through the smallest valley’s until all you have is the highest mountain under God.

  • Destini

    As I sit here and read of your brokenness, but also of your continued restoration, I think about how deeply our God cares and how he can use anything and everytyhing to bring us into understanding. Often times you write about feeling inadequate. Unfortunately, if you were completely “adequate” you would no longer be usable and teachable. Not one single person in the bible was perfect or adequate, each person had lessons to learn. I wish that we could learn our life lessons in the smooth and calm waters of a protected harbor, but our skill as sailors comes from the rough seas. I appreciate how you so eloquently put into words your thoughts and your feelings. I continue to lift you in prayer and wait with expectancy every day to see exactly how those prayers are answered. Thanks for encouraging me in my walk.

  • Emilie

    Angie,
    I have been luring around your blog for several weeks now. My heart aches for your loss, but I am SO inspired by your faith in God. I am writing today to ask you to pray for my step brother and his family. You see, in a few days they will experience a similiar loss. My 5 year old niece has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. They are devastated. I lie awake at night thinking of them and the sorrow they are feeling. Of course I pray for them but I know that you probably can relate more to their needs and feelings during this time than I can. Would you say a prayer for them?
    Thanks so much,
    A Sister in Christ

  • okp

    I just prayed for you, Sara, and Nicol. Thank you for your beautiful words. What I hear is the glory of God that rises through all sorrow and tragedy, and I am thankful to Him for your testimony. I pray that you, and all of those who are grieving the loss of a child, will be provided the comfort that can only come from Him.

    Melanie from Jackson, MS

  • Kari

    Please know you are “normal”…After my baby Laci died I continued to care for her by going to her grave and taking care of it. Eventually you will go less and less and that’s okay, but for now grieve as you need. I pray for you…

  • Denise

    I have never commented here before, but wanted you to know what an inspiration you are to me. My neighbor and I talk all the time about your posts and how much they minister to us. Your thoughts are never jumbled…they come through the heart of God by way of the Holy Spirit, so please don’t second guess what He writes through you!

    I am praying for you~

  • CARRIE

    I loved this post. One thought came to mind when talking about visiting her. A friend of mine passed our senior year in highschool. I knew her, but not like others had. The cemetary wasn’t far from my house, and I found myself visiting her every day that I drove home, for weeks. I’d sit on the butterfly bench that her parents had made for her and read the notes from friends and looked at pictures. To this day I don’t know why I did it, I just felt like I needed to be there. It was almost like a part of reality had hit me, and I knew I was blessed with a beautiful life.

    On the other hand, the part about being in the valley hit the spot with me this morning. I found myself reaching for a tissue. (which isn’t unusual when reading your posts, I always find myself tearing up) I needed that…every word.

    Thank you, you are such a blessing and you don’t even know it!

    :)

  • Amy

    You are one of the 3 ‘stranger’ blogs I read because I’m so touched by your writing. Not just your story, but the depth of what you write. It never seems jumbled to me.

    On a lighter note…love the boots on your daughter at the cemetary…gotta love kids.

  • Kristi

    My story is very different from yours but I want you to know that I glean something from each entry I have read on your blog. I have not picked up my Bible yet to really search for God in it, but I want you to know that you have inspired me to check out the Old Testament more when I do. Thank you for your faithfulness, and for being the bow that God uses to touch other people.

  • Shelly

    Thank you so much for your story. I started reading your blog about a month ago and just a few days ago I miscarried at 8 weeks. Your blog has been a blessing to me, thank you so much for your honesty and transparency.

  • J.C.

    Praying for you during this difficult season. He knows every pain you bear.

  • Lou Girl

    Your words are never jumbled. You have an awesome way of portraying exactly what it is you are intending to say because people are responding! And since you have such an incredible way of writing and explaing things, I have a question for you: How do you approach someone about God if they don’t even believe that the Bible is the word of God?

  • Salvador Family

    Your words are NEVER a jumbled mess. You have such a way of putting us right into your life with your words. God has gifted you with the ability to write so you just keep on writing. Please know I am praying for you and your family and the healing that is still taking place.

  • Anna Grace`s Jie Jie

    I will be praying………….

  • Russell4

    I have been reading your blog for quiet some time…and I am humbled by most of the things you say and do. You have been through such a loss that I cannot even imagine but somehow you have managed to keep God in focus..as hard as I am sure that is sometimes. I am a Christian but God is working on me through you…and I just wanted you to know that.

    May God continue to bless your beautiful family and please know that you are in my prayers.

  • Jeremey and Jessica

    Angie,
    The music of your life is beautiful and the words you write are so heartfelt. The Lord is a wonderful producer! Love and Prayers,
    Jessica

  • Elaine

    Dear Sweet Angie, I wish I could hug you and tell you that in the months and years ahead the times of laughter come more frequently and the times of tears further apart. 27 years ago today I found out the baby I was carrying was no longer alive. In the days and months following Scotty’s birth, I thought I would never really find happiness, that I would cry and feel hollow forever, and that life as I knew it would never be the same. Only the last part is true…life was never the same because through my time in the valley, God made me into a deeper, more compassionate person and drew me close to Him. Now, all these years later, through Him, I continue to grow, I shed tears over other events, I laugh hard every day about something (like last night when I showed my daughter the video of your Kate “having much to say”) and I smile with only a little twinge of sorrow mixed in when I think of Scotty. You had a glimpse of “normalcy” this past weekend with Sara and sometime in the future there will be longer stretches of that. Continue to lean into God during this time in the valley and let Him teach you (and all of us reading your blog). What I found, and what I pray for you, is that God carved a deeper place inside of me through Scotty and now I can grieve and love and laugh more deeply than I did before. I praise Him I am Scotty’s mother and I thank Scotty for making me a better mother. I know one of the most difficult aspects of my grief period was that I did not want to let go of the tears and the ache and the hollowness because that was all I had left to hold onto of Scotty and I was afraid that if I let go, even a tiny bit, Scotty would disappear and really be gone. In God’s timing and as I climbed out of the valley, that was another lesson I learned. Others may forget, but I never will and I am forever Scotty’s mother even when I laugh and walk through life “normally”.

    I don’t know you personally but I love you and pray for you. May you feel the sweetness of being wrapped tenderly and comforted by the Holy Spirit as you would gently and tenderly hold and comfort any of your 4 daughters. Picture how lovingly you do that when they are grieved and hang on tight to that Comfort, sweet Angie, for He knows you and sees your pain and tears and longs to comfort you. He was there patting you gently on your back, saying “there, there” as you pulled those weeds. He was there when you wanted to uncover Audrey Caroline and hold her in your arms. He loves you tenderly and deeply and fiercely, sweet Angie. He will protect you and you will not be consumed by this grief. Hold on tight, look up to the hills above the valley, for that is where your help comes from (scripture address is gone from my memory this a.m.)…Praying for you, Elaine

  • dr. Bray

    Angie,

    I am praying for you and Sara and your sister in law Nicol. We were blessed with the great news of our baby to be is another boy. I am relieved I made it past the 18 week mark that I lost my other baby boy last July, but, I for some reason, can’t truly be excited until I can see this baby in my arms and feel his breath on me. I feel so much for all of you and it feels at home to know I am mourning with others…as strange as that may sound.

  • Honea Household

    Angie –
    You are so precious! You are a wonderful writer and that Lord has used you many times to speak to me. I am so glad that you and Sara have each other to walk this tough road together and to have someone who completely understands your feelings and emotions. And also Nicol. I pray for peace that passes all understanding in your lives and a comfort that fills you like no other.

    Thanks for always being so transparent.

    And one more thing, I just found a blog called “A Daily Scoop”. This mother has 3 girls and one she just lost to a drowning. I was so saddened and began reading her blog. Come to find out, she is a mormon and she spoke some strong things about her faith. My heart just broke for her and so I’ve been praying for her salvation. Pray with me for her and her family.

  • HannahC

    Your words are so encouraging to me…I have never lost a child, but I pray that if I had to go through an experience like you have, I would still have your faith. I don’t know how you are still so strong and passionate about Jesus’ love and grace…it’s amazing to me. You have reminded me of the promise in scripture that when we are weak, He is strong… you have been vulnerable and transparent to us… and He is being glorified.

  • Tessa

    Angie,

    You continue to bless me with your words and how you are so in tune with God’s will for your life. You are able to write in such a way that it feels as though you are speaking directly to my heart. I am so thankful for your heart and how you share it with all of us. You continue to inspire me!

  • Renee’

    Yet another person that wants you to know how thankful I am that you chose to share your Audrey with us. You have blessed me with your words, I have cried & laughed, both hysterically.
    I came across a phrase awhile back and it seems appropriate here. “HE HAS BOUND HIS OWN HANDS IN ORDER THAT HE MIGHT BE GLORIFIED THROUGH HIS PEOPLE” Your story and your life are definitely bringing Him glory, and I’m certain He is pleased.

    Oh by the way, I too, am 100 lbs ! Ain’t it great :)

  • The 311 Boys Mom

    what a wonderful post, I’m soooo happy you met Sara & I love the flowers.

    I’m messaging to ask you to pray for someone, not someone I know, but I linked her through another I read & I don’t know anyone who is better to ask for this task, but here’s the link & her surgery is Thursday incase you get this in time.
    http://marcandmegan.blogspot.com/

    after much trying she’s finally pregnant & its twins & they have to do surgery cause its the twin to twin transfusion happening & although it was caught early, its stage 3. I just couldn’t help but think of you to send out a prayer. You always have such beautiful & perfect words—-which BTW, I’m amazed you don’t’ see that. You are awe inspiring, on a constant basis.

  • da momma

    the tears your blog brings from my eyes everytime I read yoru words are like the rain…your words are so healing and encouraging for me and everyone else who finds you. THANK YOU for letting God play his wong thru your fingertips. I love you and yoru family and hope to meet you someday..if not here, then in our forever home where we are ALL UNITED! God Bless you, sweet lady!

  • kashburn817

    As i have been reading your blog today i just can’t help but cry. I cry because i understand to tell as our Avery went to be with the Lord 3/14/08. We are still trying to gather money for her headstone and i take flowers to her often. I feel so many of the same emotions and i know GOD is my strength but at times it feels so overwhelming. I only come on your site everyone once in a while because as i read of your pains my pain feels for you as i’m in the same place just a few weeks ahead of you. On monday it will be 4 months that avery passed and lately it’s become so hard. I feel the need to care for her as she’s not here. I long to hold and love on her.Please as i pray for you, pray for us to get the money for her headstone. I would feel like she’s so much more taken care of. GOD’s love be with you and bless you daily. BTW i loved the march blog? about the passing gas in a time of seriousness :-) Completely understandable(Graham 4 and kaylee 3). Kids can be so funny.
    kashburn817@hotmail.com

  • Becky

    A few days ago, a 24 year old soldier from our community was killed in Afghanistan. I knew his aunts, uncles, and parents as they grew up, It has touched my heart to see the quiet strength and faith his dad has demonstrated during recent interviews.

    Today an article in the paper said of his parents, “They didn’t have to go searching for God. They didn’t have to go searching for strength. It was already banked in their heart”

    I never thought of it that way. It is a long term investment that we can withdraw from anytime. My heart goes out to you Angie – as do my prayers. He is your Father indeed.

  • Sandy

    You have been in my prayers. My daughter had a beautiful baby girl 2 years ago. She went in for her first ultrasound and they found a white spot on the baby’s heart. She was sent to a specialist who told us she had severe aortic stentis and there was no hope and that my daughter should have an abortion my daughter sat up in that bed and with tears streaming down her face said no. If God took her baby that was one thing but she would not and could not kill her. We requested another opinion and that we wanted to go to Cincinnati. They agreed on the condition but that there was hope. We found a wonderful Christin doctor named Dr. Beekman. My granddaughter was born and had surgery at one day old. She is alive and doing well. She will always have this condition and be on meds. I just can’t imagine what you have went through but know that you are in my heart and prayers. God is so great.

  • A 5 time mom

    Angie, as always, your words are honest, transparent, and minister in a way that I don’t think you will fully understand on this side of eternity, but you minister to me in a way I can’t express well in words. Thank you sister.

    Beckie

  • Lane Boyz Mom

    Angie, you have an amazing way of saying things, wording them…ways that make things sound I don’t know, bearable.

    If that makes sense?!

    Today is the 20th anniversary of my son’s passing. He was with us only 4 short days…but I know he’s in a better place and he’s looking down right now watching over us!

  • Trina

    You may not see this comment, but I had to post anyway. I’ll try to do this without crying.

    A friend found your blog and gave me the address this morning. I have spent my entire day reading your story from the beginning and I have cried more today than I have in a long time. It’s a good thing though. I think I got saved all over again :)

    I found such strength and encouragement and beauty in your words and I look forward to reading more of your story (now that I am caught up with you…).

    Just know that you are helping to change lives for everyone, not just mommies who have lost babies. I have not experienced that tragedy and I pray I never do, but through your trial you have shown me the love of my beautiful Savior in a fresh and new way and I intend to love Him more and do whatever it takes to learn more about Him.

    Thank you.
    Blessings and prayers (for your family and the Sponbergs).

  • brandiandboys

    Hey Angie,

    Another beautifully written post. You might feel like your thoughts are all over the place, but they touch me each time! Maybe my thought process is all over the place!

    So glad you and Sarah got to spend some time together. And again, I am so glad you choose to share your story!

  • Martha

    I just read your post and was instantly reminded of a post I read somewhere else. It’s http://www.internetcafedevotions.com/2008/06/june-17-2008.html Someone sent me the link–and it does involve a difficult pregnancy, I just don’t want you to be thrown off by it–and I was struck by how God talks to us. Maybe it’s through music, maybe through someone else’s words, maybe through rain and church bells. All I know is that He is everywhere, and He knows. He knows.

  • Sharon Brumfield

    This is my first time here…although it is not the first I have known of you.
    I first found out about you through the women in blogdom. Toward the end they began to pass word that we needed to pray.
    God placed a huge crushing burden on my heart for your family but mostly you.
    Each time God would bring you to mind such a weight would fall over me. I would cry out to God on your behalf. And then one day–God released the burden and I thanked Him that He would take it from there.
    I have never lost a child in the way that you have…but you are my sister and I want you to know how sorry I am for your loss.
    Please continue to put your heart..His heart…out there.
    We had a woman in our area just last week who lost her almost full term baby. I will pass the word on about your site…when her heart is ready maybe she can come here.
    Thanks again.

  • T-Mommy

    God created shadows just to enhance even more the beauty of light!!…

    May you and your beautiful family always find that LIGHT He is giving every one of us each day.

    A big hug to you all.

  • Holly Green

    Can I just say how beautiful I think you are? I know that has nothing to do with your wonderful post, but every time I see a picture of you all I can think of is how naturally pretty you are. I will say an extra prayer for you today!

  • LisaO

    I found your blog today and I want you know that Audrey’s life is making a difference in the lives of others. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray for peace for you and your family. And I pray that I can find faith like yours.

  • MAC5

    Angie,

    I know that you know Our God is a strong tower that we can take refuge in him. Some days are harder than others like you said. Normal is just a word and everyone has their own normal.
    My children 13, 11, 9 ask often to take golf balls to Grandpa Great who has been gone 4 1/2 years to Jesus. SO, we do. We go to sing to tell him exciting news that we still want to share. Some say that is not noral for us it is.
    THANK YOU FOR YOUR TRANSPARENCY AND HONESTY. God is using you in ways you will never see here on this Earth.

  • Brittanie

    Thank you so much for this. An online friend of mine passed this site along, and I went and read the beginning of your story, and then this post. So much of it hit home.

    I lost my Cora 2 years ago, May 2, 2006. She was stillborn due to a cord accident. And one of my conclusions that I came to…a little slower than you…is that my God is the same God He was before my Cora went Home.

    And as for the “milestones” They hit hard. It’s like you have a whole new dating system for your life, either “before” or “after” your loss.

    Please know my prayers are with you, as they are for all of my Sisters who walk this dark road with me.

  • Lisa

    I am blessed to not know pain like you do, but through your posts I feel like I am catching just a glimpse of what it must be like.

    Your walk with Jesus continues to encourage and inspire me. Thank you.

    Her pink flowers were beautiful and I will continue to pray.

  • jennicatron.tv

    Angie, you continue to be in our thoughts and prayers at Cross Point.

  • .:just us girls:.

    angie – you have a way of writing that makes me feel HIM even thought i can’t see HIM. we all have our doubts, but your faith snaps mine back to attention. i only hope i can instill into my daughter what you are helping to instill into me. i keep you and your family in my thoughs and prayers frequently. have a blessed day!

  • Mari

    The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest. Exodus 14:14

  • Mommyof3

    Hey Angie I finally created an account so I can leave you a message. In case you don’t remember my name is Valerie and my husband and I are from Gilead and friends with Molly and Jack. I got my wall plate a few weeks ago and LOVE it!! Anyways, as I was reading this entry I was remembering how it took me months to go and visit Ella’s grave because I had the same feelings of wanting to hold her. Now my feelings are worse because we had to move to Florida for Brent’s job and Ella is in Michigan. It has been over a year since I’ve been to her grave. My daddy is right next to her and that gives me peace.

    I wanted to share with you something we do to help include Ella in our lives. On birthdays or even just a random day we buy balloons and the girls write on them and we let them go up to Ella. We bought blue ones for my husbands birthday last month and this month is Ella’s 4th birthday we will all get our own pink balloon and send it up to her. The girls love doing this.

    Still praying,
    Valerie

  • Jenn

    Well, I’m sitting here reading and bawling again. Grief just sucks. The part when your walking through the day, perfectly fine, minding your own business…then swoosh, a wave washes over you and your sobbing. I know that it’s good that we can never grieve every moment, every event, all at once. But sometimes it just seems like we should be able to grieve it all-sob for days, then move on…and that’s simply not how it works.

    Praying that God speaks to you, comforts you and shows you a new piece of Him through every moment that you experience.

  • Eric and Michelle

    Beautiful.

  • Scarlet O’Kara

    I have been a “lurker” on your blog for several months now and cannot remember if I have ever left a comment. I have long wondered why I keep going back and reading your posts…but I think I now know the reason why.

    Just last week, my husband and I went to a funeral for one of his co-workers who died of a brain tumor. She was a lovely woman, mother, grandmother, and world re-known missionary. The funeral was unlike any that I have ever been to before. There was alot of joyful singing because she was finally at her heavenly home with Jesus…the place that she has been talking about and longing for years to see.

    One of her children is also a co-worker of my husbands. He was the person who presided over the funeral and although it was hard, the wishes of his beloved mother kept him relatively composed. And two of his three children also spoke about their grandmother…his oldest daughter who is in her early teens and his youngest, a 3 year old son.

    Well yesterday, the devastating news spread through the company that the son passed away at a local hospital from a brief illness. He apparently started feeling ill on Sunday, went to the emergency room Tuesday morning, and passed away that afternoon.

    The reason why I have felt compelled to write you is that I know that his funeral will not be as joyous as his grandmother’s. Do you have any advice that I can share with them? I know that you, as well as your family have suffered some recent back-to-back tragic deaths and while you have suffered and continue to do so, you have also remained graceful and steadfast in your faith.

  • Tina Vega

    simply beautiful.

  • Marla Taviano

    Prayed for you just now, sweet girl. My heart aches for you.

    The flowers are beautiful. Wow. And the pic of you and Sara. Double wow.

    And my goodness, you are so gifted with words. I write books for a living (well, for $ anyway), and I’m blown away by your uncanny ability to put emotions into words. Your blog is dripping with the Holy Spirit.

  • amydc

    Praying for you & your sweet family.

  • insertgracehere

    Here I am, comment #gazillion! ;)
    I am choking back tears from reading this post.

    I added you to my blogroll not long after I started my blog in May. I inadvertently set the link to your post The Past and the Pitcher. Can you imagine every time I clicked the link, I thought perhaps you were on a very quiet leave of your blog.

    I knew the post was profound. I knew, although I have not lost a child, that this experience of the pitcher would be necessary. I knew it would. I wondered what I would use. Several days later, I dropped a white serving bowl. I immediately knew that I should keep it. I did. It’s still in a plastic grocery bag in my garage.

    I have thought about it every time I clicked your link and landed smack dab on that post.

    It wasn’t until tonight that I was reading the tristanasher blog and fighting tears again, that I clicked your link from her blog and discovered that I have missed many posts since the Past and the Pitcher.

    Oh what a beautiful, marvelous thing He is doing through you. Through so many women.

    Perhaps I am really supposed to get this pottery smashing thing going. I imagine you have been flooded with emails and likely testimonies pertaining to this.

    I’ll be sure to share mine as well…. thanks again for sharing your story.

  • Rachel

    ohhhhhhhhhhhhh soooo neat. i loved your story about the cello. just gorgeous & such a neat, neat parallel. I LOVED IT. the cello is such a beautiful instrument, so i could just hear the beauty surrounding the moment. what a neat observation & you’re so right! you are RIGHT ON.

  • Stef

    “wanting to parent her… even in death.” Oh my. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I know I would be doing that. I welled up with tears the 2nd I read it, just picturing what you were saying.
    I often worry (and I know I shouldn’t) that I will die before my kids are grown. I worry about all the things they’ll miss out on, what they won’t remember about me, how I won’t impact their lives (or at least I think I won’t) and I worry about how it will affect them. Like I said before, I know I shouldn’t and I know that I need to give that fear to God and trust Him with ALL things. Its just one of those “mommy fears”. :)
    I loved this post… thank you for writing it. I love your openness and honesty.

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Craig & Amanda Dyson

    Really a great encouragement, God’s grace just continues to shine through you! It has been five months since we lost our precious Ava, our firstborn at birth. I wish I could explain how your words have been a comfort to my wife and I. Thank you for being honest, yet seeing God’s grace through this!

    Your in our prayers,

    Craig

  • Claire

    When I was little and it poured rain at my cousins funeral, I remember overhearing my mom telling someone that whenever it rains, it means that angels are celebrating in heaven.

    I have no idea if that’s actually biblical or not (I thought everything my mom said was biblical!) but I’ve thought about that every time it’s rained since.

    Just wanted to comment that your words about it always raining when you visit Audrey really confirmed, for me, that she was right.

  • Barclay 5

    Angie,

    I have been reading your blog for some time now, but have never left a comment.

    I feel a connection to your journey – We were given a fatal prognosis at our 20 week ultrasound, but God chose for our little man, Eamon Joseph, to live. I am so thankful for this new journey, but it comes at heavy price. Eamon has had a difficult 17 months, and although most days I rejoice and look for the good God is doing, there are moments when I am sad over the loss of our “normal” life. I too am mourning, but in such an unusual way. I often feel very alone in my journey. Eamon has no clear diagnosis, he doesn’t fit neatly into any category, and that can be very isolating. I started a blog recently as a place for updates, because so many people pray for my boy. It is also a place where I can purpose to look for God at work.

    Thanks, Angie, for encouraging me and making me feel welcome even though our stories are different.

    You are often in my prayers, especially today!
    Tracy

  • Sarah Elizabeth

    Your words are so beautiful to me. I Get it! And God is using you in so many ways.

    You are such a blessing!

    I’m praying for you and all of your family.

  • Sarah Elizabeth

    Your words are so beautiful to me. I Get it! And God is using you in so many ways.

    You are such a blessing!

    I’m praying for you and all of your family.

  • Carrie

    Three years after losing Grace, I still want to “rescue” her. I want her to be at our table, eating with our family, laughing at my jokes. I still haven’t been back to where my husband and I sprinkled her ashes – a prayer garden (in the desert of AZ) that has ministered to me throughout my life. My husband knew it played such a significant role in my spiritual journey that he proposed to me there. I haven’t returned since we lost her though. You go to your daughter’s grave and take flowers and pull weeds … I feel like 3 years and passed and I wouldn’t even know where to start. I am being so moved to go there though … to give glory to Him … because she is at His table and laughing at His jokes! A hard road of valleys and peaks! How blessed that we can share bits of it together …

  • Jen

    Sometimes, Angie, I just want to curl up into a ball and sob out your grief for you. You are so precious to me, though we have never met (yet!) and I speak of you to my husband as someone I have known my whole life. ‘Angie this, Angie that…’ *grin*

    Once again, I’m lifting you up in prayer; that your heart is lovingly covered with the salve of grace, and your soul is kissed by the Father God, who daily bears our burdens. I think He strokes your hair, you know. Just an image that ‘dropped in’.

  • tracie

    hello angie, i saw this corner tag on another blog site and thought of you … http://www.christianwomenonline.net/blogextras.html

  • Erin

    Praying often for all of you…

    Thank you for sharing.

    Joyfully,
    Erin

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  • Jennifer

    Just wanted to tell you that you all are still in my thoughts often and I check in here regularly. Your thoughts are precious and I love to see God working. I just have share, shortly before Audrey was born I found out I was pregnant again too. It brought a whole different light to being pregnant as I followed your story and others similar. Every mother wonders, “is my baby okay” and every time I thought that I KNEW that it was okay, regardless – God would be glorified when we choose to give him the glory regardless of the circumstances and the impact of little Audrey has been great and will continue to be incredible though her life was so short.
    Our ultrasound has shown a perfect little girl growing – my first girl – and I cannot stop givign thanks for this little miracle.
    Just had to write this morning, was listen to music this morning and was touched once again by one of my favorite all time songs – “You Raise Me Up” by Selah :-) I thought of you and had to share what a blessing you are though we will probably never meet till heaven!

  • Jess and Krissy

    Your words are such an inspiration to so many. I love reading you, even when it hurts. I’m praying.

  • Jessica

    I cry as I read most of your posts, and I also rejoice with you too. I grieve in the moment too as I lost my baby this week. I have had some of the worst days of my life these past two days. Coming to your blog helps me know that it is ok to mourn. Unlike you I will never get to hold mine. I was only 11 weeks pregnant but I will never forget that God let me give life if only for a little while.

    Thanks for being so open and honest and so transparent. You will truly help me get trough this and to know that it is ok to cry 3 months, 6 months, and years later about this.

    God is GOOD!

  • Andrea Amu

    I really can relate to your feelings that you have described here in this post.

    “It is a hard thing to feel like a mommy when you can’t even hold your child.” … my thoughts exactly! I struggle with this sooo much myself.

    Angie, I will continue to hold you and your precious family in prayer. I want you to know that I cry with you too as I mourn the loses of my own babies. I just wish that all our hurt that we, as mommies of Angels, feel, could be erased!

  • Haberman Family

    Hi Angie and Todd. I received an e-mail with your YouTube story and saw the latest post about you all on Annabelle Butcher’s blog. Our sweet angel, Luke, passed away on April 18th of this year. He was born on March 12th with the same heart defect as Annabelle, HLHS. Angie, I just wanted to reach out to you because I have the same feelings that you have when you visit your sweet Audrey at the cemetery. I, too, get angry at the weeds that creep over Luke’s site and I, too, want to reach in to grab him and hold him one more time. I feel the same way as you…I know Luke isn’t there any longer, but I still fear that he is alone and scared without us. We are, after all, his parents and we are supposed to protect him. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story with others. You are such a testament to faith and I know that God chose all of us to be parents to these angels for a reason. How blessed we are to be in the presence of angels here on earth. God bless you and your gorgeous family.
    Bernie Haberman
    See Baby Luke’s journey at: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lukehaberman

  • lukabella

    Your words hit me like a ton of bricks. I did a scrapbook page titled “bring on the rain” and I got a few comments linking me to your site. That was no coincindence. God needed me to be here. To read your words, and to bring me comfort and moments of absolute clarity through your words. Thank you. My situation is vastly different than yours, but God is restoring me. Your blog especially this entry was His voice speaking to me. It is amazing how when you are finally ready to listen, how He speaks, It is a most beautiful sound. Keep speaking, your words make perfect sense to those who have been called to read it. jenn

  • Tricia

    Each time I read your heartfelt posts I find myself speechless and sobbing. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel in your heart and I am so sorry that it is there. You are an encouragement to all mothers who have lost a child, and you make us who have not ever so thankful for the children we have. You may think your words are jumbled, but they are written to beautifully. Thank you for exposing your heart and bringing encouragment to others.

  • AJ

    Angie- I had the oddest dream that you and your sister in law went on Oprah… maybe you will write a book and end up on there one day? That would be an awesome way to share your testimony wouldn’t it?

  • Melissa

    I have been reading your blog for several weeks now, and I just wanted to say that you touched me in a way that I can’t describe. Both emotionally and spiritually. I am a violinist and the mother of 3–one being named Caroline. What you wrote about the instrument bow–as well as other things have just made me sob. See, you never know who you are going to speak to and in what way. Blessings to you-and what a sweet, loving, tender mother you are!

  • TNS

    I love the light on the side of Audrey’s grave. How beautiful that must look at night. Did you place it there or are they around the cemetary? That’s touching.

    God be with you (and He is showing you His presence with the bells and rain)

  • Michelle Burrill

    Dear Angie, I want to encourage you to keep writing. Our feelings and thoughts as human being are often scrambled and confusing, so everyone can relate to that. Feelings aren’t often very logical, they don’t go in a straight line. So when you are real and honest about what’s truly going on with you, it is a blessing to all of your readers, because we can all relate to that. Also, not everyone knows how to write what they are feeling, so for those people, to be able to read your blog, and see the words that he or she was feeling but didn’t know how to express is such a relief and a gift! When you pour out your heart, your truth, even when it feels silly and uncomfortable to be so vulnerable and raw, you are giving the world a gift; you are using your gifts to bless others. As long as you are honest, people can relate, no matter how messy or complicated that truth is. Your words are a blessing. When you say “I almost didn’t write this…” we all go “OH, but I’m so GLAD you did; I was touched by that!” I am always humbled by people like you who are so open and real and vulnerable, not pretentious…I am humbled, and it gives me the courage to live my live that way, too. God bless you!

  • Tish

    praying for you

  • Lisa

    This is my first comment, although I have read your entire story, visit your blog frequently, and you and your family are in my prayer journal. I just wanted to thank you today for allowing me the priviledge of praying for and with you. It is such an honor to me as your sister in Christ to be able to pray specifically for you. I have absolutely no idea of the pain you feel, but as a mom I do have an idea of your need to parent, no matter the circumstances. You did a wonderful job choosing exactly the right bouquet of flowers for her. I pray for an extra portion of God’s peace that passes understanding for you and your family today.

  • Candi

    Thank you for sharing your story. Like everyone has said you have such away with words and how you talk about God. I do believe the Lord is using you to bring so many people to him. Your family is beautiful. Thank you and I am praying for you and your family.

    Candi
    SLC, UT

  • Jessica

    How close our paths are, paths that shoudl never be. Last week we visited our Zach’s grave for the first time, words can not express the feelings I had, it will be 3 months in 10 days. This week has been hard, your words are all to familiar

  • Jessatsea

    Eh… sigh.. this post just made me cry and sob and continue to do so. I found your blog like so many others and my heart breaks for you for your loss, it soars for you for your faith and it is humbled by you for just being you.
    Thank you for sharing your life with us.

    God bless you!

  • Lori

    Thank you!

    You words push me to be a better Christian and that is something I long for.

    You are such an inspiration.

    Have a Blessed Day!

    Lori <><

  • heather spratt

    Angie,

    There are friends that come to us exactly when we need them. They are just another of God’s gifts to us. His arms wrapped around us in human form…angels walking among us.

    ‘Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God.’ Philippians 1:3

    I’m still praying…
    Heather Spratt

  • Jamie

    Thank you for your post today and for your realness of how we can keep going despite the pain and the imperfections of how we want our lives to be. He is in control and if we just submit He will do a good work in all of us.

    Thank you so much for sharing you life and your story. Audrey Caroline is making such a great impact in my life and I am sure the lives of many more.

    Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

    One more question for you… Does your friend Sara have a blog?

  • Amy Call

    Angie,

    Just want you to know I, too, am praying for you and your family!

    Stay strong and know your words are an inspiration. Your words and your faith, your strength and your courage.

    Prayers…

  • kat

    angie, i am always abundantly blessed by visiting your page. thank you so much for this lovely post, so needed in my own life today. my heart and prayers are with your family.

  • Mickey

    My mom always said ‘rain, its tears from heaven,,’ she reminded me that when she would be gone, to feel the rain, it was her tears of love from heaven,,,, That was 40 years ago, and to this day,, when it rains, I know , if its not tears for me, its tears for someone. So I have always encouraged my kids to go dance in the rain, it just might belong to them.
    Hello, my name is Mickey, I am a single mother of 7,mostly grown, children,and an enrichment of faith minister for youth at my church.
    Your story is beautiful. I know that’s not the right words, but they are. Your relationship with God is one to be envied ( again, not the right words,but it is..). You wrote about satans scheme of making us feel like we don’t have the strength to climb, and that’s where I am right now. With nothing compared to your struggle to stand, but with a constant feeling of ‘bowling’, and satan has the ball, and I am the pin,I keep getting up,but here comes that ball again!
    We recently lost a beloved pet,, a lot of the use of my arm , due to an injury. and then the loss of income.( and the car is a daily worry) .Days are rough, and nights are physically painful and depressing. But I want to thank you for the reminder about the rain.and my mom..It has been raining so much lately, maybe its Gods way of letting me know I am not alone,, the tears from heaven are being sent for comfort, a reminder that I am loved. A reminder that parenting,,,no matter who follows the whisper of Jesus first,,parenting never ends.
    I will keep you in my prayers…

  • Felton/Casey

    Two days before I met my husband, he lost his young daughter. He was a single dad, and so his mom (grandma) was the mother figure in his daughter’s life. She long afterwards would describe feeling exactly as you described here. The fear of her little girl being cold, and feeling helpless to comfort her. You are not alone!

  • Sarah

    Thank you Angie for posting this! You are in my thoughts and prayers alot! I actually shared your story the other day to my Mother in law. You will never know how many lives you have touched by your obediance to the Lord and speaking words that people, like me, need to hear. Though we may never meet, I want you to know that you have a friend here in Florida that is praying for you and your whole family.
    ~Sarah