Holy Ground

Take off your sandals, for the place
where you are standing is 
holy ground…
Exodus 3:5

The funeral home called a few days ago (7/8) to tell us that Audrey’s grave marker was in.
This week has been hard, and for some reason, this pushed me over the edge emotionally.  I don’t even know if I could say it was sadness, because I have been waiting for weeks for this call.  I wanted her to have more than the little plastic placeholder with the piece of paper in it. I was relieved that it was finally there, but it took my breath away to hear the words.  It feels so final.
Immediately, I told Todd I wanted to go over and see it.  We only have one car right now (I kind of wrecked the other one a little bit, but I contend that it was the pile of cement’s fault.  It practically jumped out and ripped off my bumper) and the twins had a friend over, so I started out the door.  Kate saw me grab my keys and she started screaming and begging to come with me.  I told her that I was going to see Audrey and then to the grocery store, and that I didn’t think she would have as much fun as if she stayed and played with all the girls.  She protested. And then she started putting on her shoes and saying over and over, “Ona go, momma.  Ona go.”  When Kate says she “wants to” go, she is pretty persistent.  I didn’t have the strength to fight her, so I told her she could come. She ran to the playroom and grabbed the back page of a princess magazine they had been reading, wiped her eyes, and said “let’s go, momma. I go wif you, just you and kate, momma.  just us, right?”
“Just you and me, Kate.  We’re going to go see Audrey.”  She climbed in her car seat, clinging on to the magazine page.  
The whole way to the cemetery, I watched her smile in the rear-view mirror.  I love taking each of my girl’s out for “alone time,” because we get to connect in a different way than when we are all together, and I think it helps them to know they are each so special to me.  Kate really needs this time, especially lately.  
We got to the cemetery and I grabbed my camera to take pictures so Todd could see Audrey’s marker.  I obliged when Kate asked to take off her shoes.  She loves the feeling of grass in her toes; she is the kind of kid who wants to “feel” everything fully.  She wants to touch the flowers (pluck mercilessly), sort my purse (turn upside-down and use up my new lipstick), and to enjoy her food (shove fistfuls of it into her mouth while closing her eyes and purring “mmm-mmm.”). She doesn’t know how to do life halfway, and I love that about her. 
She grabbed her little page and started walking around the cemetery with this big grin.  I spent some time talking to Audrey, and then asked her if she wanted to come over with me (she had discovered the joy of stealing the little flags from several vases….don’t worry, they have been returned…).  
She looked up at me, confused.
“Ona see Audrey.”
“She’s right here, honey.  They just gave her a special new plaque that tells about her.  It has her name on it.”  I ran my fingers along the letters and she took a step in my direction, then stopped.
“Ona see her, momma. Where is she? Where is Audrey?”
Tears filled my eyes as I realized what was happening.  She thought that we were going to see Audrey.  The Audrey she held, not the one who is under this marker.  The Audrey that wore a dress and looked like a baby doll.  That’s why she had been smiling the whole way here.  No wonder she wanted to come with me so badly…she probably wondered why it had taken us so long to go back to see her.  I didn’t know what to say.  She kept looking at me, clutching her little page.
“What did you bring, Kate?” I studied her face.
“A book for Audrey.  I give it to her.”  She looked at the grave and then looked at me.  
“Okay, honey.  Let’s give it to Audrey.”  I couldn’t see through the tears because in that moment, my emotions did not stretch farther than the bounds of her 2 1/2 year old brain.  I couldn’t stand it either.  We should be reading books at home with her, not sobbing together in the middle of a cemetery.  Oh Lord Jesus, come be near to us.  Hold us with Your unfailing love, we cannot sustain ourselves…
She bent down and gingerly set the page on her sister’s grave.  

 I read the words over and over in those moments…
                                                Audrey Caroline Smith
                                                       April 7, 2008
Not many words.  Not many hours.  So many, many tears.  
I cannot seem to find my way these past few days.  I have bruises on my legs from bumping into furniture that has not moved in years.  I got lost driving home the other night from a very familiar place, and didn’t even realize I was lost until I had been driving in the wrong direction for almost 15 minutes.  All day long, I forget the most simple words, the most familiar faces, the words to a song I know by heart.  Sometimes I just stand in the shower with the water scalding my skin so that I can feel something that registers. My brain just doesn’t know it’s way around the sorrow, it seems.  I know all of these things are part of the process, or so my grief books say.  I have stacks of them, piled up by my bed, nestled on shelves, stored on the coffee tables. They are to be my roadmap through this valley, and yet, in this moment, all of the words are just meaningless.  I know this is “normal,” but I assure you, it is anything but.
We figured out a way to tuck Kate’s gift into the back of Audrey’s vase so that it wouldn’t blow away.  Kate cried as we walked back to the car, because she finally realized we were not going to “see” Audrey.  I put her sandals back on her dirty feet and wiped her cheeks clean.  Then I wiped mine clean as well.  
As I drove away, I looked back at the roses and I couldn’t help but think of how much I wished she could have had a wedding bouquet herself.  
I thought about something I haven’t talked about here yet, and I want to.  Well, I want to start talking about it.  It has been so hard for me, but this blog has become a sort of therapy for me, and I think it will help me process if I can begin the conversation…
The day we buried Audrey was really hard.  It was a beautiful day, and God made Himself present in amazing ways, but humanly speaking, it was one of the worst days of my life.  Tom (Uchida Photography) gave me the photos from Audrey’s burial tonight and I have spend quite awhile lost in memories of that day. I wanted to remember the way that everything had gone, because some of it was a blur.  In my letter to Audrey, I said that we were going to take the band-aids off her bunny because she was healed.  The day of her burial, we set up the bunny by her tiny little casket and we stood together while Abby, Ellie and Kate peeled them off her heart.  I knew in that moment a great peace, a peace passed understanding, as the Bible says.  I knew she was healed.  I knew she was in the arms of the Lord, and that was enough for me.  I missed her, yes.  But I truly rejoiced knowing that she was in the arms of her Savior. Good, strong, beautiful, safe arms.  
There are a couple of things that I remember feeling that day, and one of them was a nice, steady breeze.  It was a warm day, and it felt like grace itself was winding it’s way through the tent as our Pastor spoke powerful words of truth. My hair blew all around me and it reminded me that we are not alone.  We are never alone.  There are wind chimes in the baby garden where she is buried, and there is always enough of a breeze to make them dance with music. I remember thinking that the wind was like the Holy Spirit, unseen in this moment, but moving. Ever moving.  
I remember the scriptures that my niece and nephew read in front of the crowd.  Verses they had picked out themselves for this occasion.  I was so proud that they had done that, and they chose words that ministered to me greatly. 
I also remember the feeling of absolute panic and shock when I saw her little coffin.  We requested a wooden coffin because they are so simple, and we wanted something that looked like it had been carved by human hands.  I originally wanted an Amish coffin, but our funeral home told us that they had a Jewish one that was wooden, and I thought it was beautiful.  All of the “example” pictures were of regular-sized coffins, and so were all of the displays at the funeral home.  I guess my brain didn’t fully understand that hers would be a very, very tiny version of the ones I was seeing.  When I first saw it, I gasped out loud.  It was small.  I had to remind myself that she was small too. 

There are a lot of moments I will treasure from that day, and I will share more with you as time goes by, but I really wanted to show you a few that are special to me in the hopes that you, my faithful friends, will feel like you were with us. Not just for the burial, but for the healing that God performed when He brought her to His side.  No more band-aids, sweet Audrey-blossom. Only Him.
Only Him.
We have received a few questions about the beautiful light that sits in her flowers…the truth is that we have no idea where it came from.  It doesn’t appear to be from the funeral home, but we didn’t put it there, either.  It seems it is a sweet gift from someone who has heard her story…we would love to know so that we could thank you in person for such a thoughtful gift…
Thank you for your love, and for your time.
I love to meet you here and tell you the story of a little girl who had weight in this life.  
We miss you, baby.  Every day.
daddy-mommy-ellie-abby-sarah-kate

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  • Mom 4 Life

    My eyes are filled with tears and I ache with you. It seems that the band aids should have been taken off of your bear and placed over your heart for you are now the one that needs healing. Praying that you will get that healing, to the degree that you can, this side of heaven.
    Heather (Mom 4 Life)

  • Andrea

    Thank you for sharing more of your story. God bless you…

  • Sara

    I have so much I want to say to you, stranger-friend. But it all just boils down to the fact that I love you, your family, your heart and your Audrey. I emailed you the day she died and promised to speak Audrey’s name alound at least once a day, so you will know someone else out there recognizes that she exists. And I do speak her name as I speak in prayer for all of you. You are brave, Angie. You may not always feel brave, but you are because God is in you and He will take over on the road when you are lost. If there is one thing I have learned in my own, different grief is that there is no way around it. Only through it. But know you can say anything here and every one of us stranger-friends will have our arms out waiting for you, just as Audrey will someday when you meet her in her home.

    I’m grateful Kate was with you so you were able to learn her heart and help her as well. What a good little sister Audrey is, teaching her Kate such important lessons. You will find she is always, throughout the years, teaching you all so much. Thanks for sharing her and letting her teach all of us.

    Love to you all…
    http://www.gitzengirl.blogspot.com

  • The Kahler Family

    Praying for you.

  • heather spratt

    You are always in my thoughts and prayers…I cannot begin to imagine your grief but I do know our Lord and he is sufficient.

    “On the day I called to you, you answered me. You made me strong and brave. Psalms 138:3

    Much love,
    Heather Spratt

  • ChristiS

    Angie, I cannot tell you how your story has touched me. I have sat here and read through every post. I even blogged about you and how I spent some very special time with God because of your blogging. I do not have any point of reference for the pain that you are enduring, but know that you are touching lives daily and bringing people closer to the Lord!!

  • bek ingram

    That was beautiful and beautiful photos.

    My thoughts and prayers are constantly with you & your family.

    My mother lost 4 of her babies, and my mother in law lost 4 also. I lost my first in Jan and are expecting now and appreciate the words you write.

    You have a gift in writing and honesty and I hope you realise that your little one has touched the lives of many people. She was such a gift….

  • hughesfam

    I too have been struggling with the stinging pain the past few days with no obvious reason. In fact, I was just watching (for the umpteenth time) your Cross Point video tonight because I needed to hear you say that God is here in the midst of the storm and that life is just as it should be-”every breath of it”. It just hurts so deeply. We just want our babies and He knows that… it’s just so hard to wrap my mind around the thought that this is for my good- Lord, it doesn’t feel good, but I will trust You… I NEED You!

    I too, was struck by the image of the tiny coffin, but I loved the image of your family surrounding that coffin united in love and grief. My heart hurts for you tonight. I pray that you will find peace in your beautiful soul.
    Hugs,
    Stacy

  • LaVon Baker

    After my husband committed suicide, I remember that feeling of being so disoriented… getting lost in a town I was so familiar with… feeling out of place… yes, and just standing in the shower until the sobs came and the water washed my tears down the drain.
    This too shall all pass.

  • Melody

    We love you… The Kopp family, CA

  • Jennifer

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, it has been a sort of therapy for me. I went in for a 14week checkup, with my 3rd pregnancy, and the Dr. couldn’t find a heartbeat. The baby measured at 11 weeks. I had a hard time for a while. (I felt like an idiot for even wearing maternity clothes) I was blessed with another child almost 1 year to the day from my d&c. I can’t imagine what you and your sweet family is going through, but I pray that you find peace. I am so grateful to know that your little Audrey is with the Lord and has been healed. Thank you SO much for being so open and honest with us (your loyal readers)! I really appreciate it!

  • LadyBug

    Thank you for sharing. Tears just fill my eyes and my heart hurts for you!
    Praying God is wrapping his arms around you

  • Melissa

    You have certainly touched this momma. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Blessings to your sweet family.

  • amydc

    There are no words. The picture of Todd kissing her casket- I lost it. You have no idea what an inspiration & example you are.
    God Bless your sweet heart.

  • Denise

    The marker is beautiful.

  • Jen

    And here I was doing so well until that picture of Todd kissing Audreys casket… my heart broke afresh, right in two, it seemed, and the tears flowed once again.

    Precious Angie, today, the Irish blessing I have hanging by my front door has strangely (to me) been my prayer for you… and it seems so apt now, after you wrote about the wind and the warm day…

    “May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields, and until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of His hand.”

    I hold you in my heart, Angie dear. You are amongst the first people I pray for.

  • Tabaitha Kaye

    I can barely see the page as I type. My prayers continue to be with you and your family. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and photos with us.

  • Old School Acres

    So touching, heart-wrenching, beautiful.

    Much love from a sister through Christ.

  • Rachel E.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story and for being so honest about your journey with God. It helps me to remember that he carries us through everything that we experience, both the good and the difficult. I spent so many years thinking that God was someone we could come to only when we have our acts together, but am so thankful that I know now that that is not the case. Walking through this journey with you helps me to remember that every day. Thank you for being such a blessing to all of us.

  • Mary

    These pictures are absolutely perfect! This is my first comment to you, but I have read your entire story in the last two weeks and am praying for you and your family throughtout this time.

  • beckygowin

    Angie and family,

    I think every mother thinks about what she would do if something happened to her child. I am sure at some point you never ever thought that you would be going through what you are going through. Life is so hard and we just never know what the day will hold. We never know what news we are going to hear or what God will bring into our lives. Thank you for sharing some of the most precious moments of your life. I pray for your strength and comfort and healing. I pray you are hearing God whispering in your heart and soul telling you He loves you and delights over you. Praying for all of you!
    Becky

  • Tirzah

    I want you to know, I am a better mother because of Audrey.

  • KELLY

    Crying and hurting with you and also rejoicing in the knowledge that Audrey is alive and well with her Savior. I wish so badly that she could be with you. Praying for you all.

  • Jen

    crying with you tonight. Thank you for continuing to share your heart

  • mamatucci

    You have touched me profoundly.I shed tears and pray with you tonite. God Bless

  • Annalien

    Her marker is beautiful. I am so sorry you have to go through this pain. You have an incredible ministry here in this blog, which is Audrey’s legacy, but I know that does not reduce the pain and the grieving.

    I admire you and your family so much. Thank you for sharing even your pain, as it helps all of us on different levels. Everytime I visit here I feel the presence of God and it brings me closer to Him.

    I pray for you and your family. God bless!

  • DiziDora

    That entry has been one that touched my heart so beautifully. The pain in your words overflows with love and such a desire to know God so intimately.

    The weakness in life is so strengthened by the Lord and I pray that His ever present strength in times of worry, strife and grief is sustaining to all of your family.

    I pray that over all of your family, and that Audrey continues to be a light in the troubles as you witness the amazing presence of that small girl in the world. A world so much bigger than her, but so deeply affected by her life.

    This blog post also makes me see what a joy Kate is and what a disciple she is in this next precious generation. I’m so pleased she could share her heart and her love for her sister with you at that time. She is an incredible blessing.

    Be proud of your baby, Angie and Todd – she is working for the Lord.

    Dizi x

  • ~Alicia~

    Angie, the photo of you and Todd with the wind blowing in your hair is so beautiful. You look peaceful, which I know must have been hard to feel given the day.

    I too started sobbing at the photo of Todd kissing Audrey’s coffin… I had been having a hard day today and when I saw that photo, the floodgates opened. The remarkable thing is that I felt a release as I started crying, and I pray that you will feel a similar sense of peace as you continue on this journey. Thank you for allowing us, humble strangers on the other side of the world, to witness and join with you in what is such a private moment. Be strong in the knowledge that God reigns… that thought is helping me today and I pray it helps you too…

    Alicia xxx

  • Darlene R.

    Love you so much and my heart is aching for you today.

  • Jes

    I am so very, very sorry for your heartache.

    May the healing power of our LORD, poured out by His Spirit, give you comfort in the days and weeks to come.

    In His Great Love,
    Jes

  • Cody Spencer Freymuth

    Always thinking of you and your family. Thank you for sharing.

    http://www.codyspencerfreymuth.com

  • Jennifer Carpenter

    Thank you for sharing more of your beautiful heartfelt story. Audrey is beautiful, and I know she is smiling down with the Lord, knowing she has such a wonderful caring family.

  • PraisingHim4ever

    Crying and grieving with you as I read you blog. Continuing to pray for your healing-a healing only the Holy Spirit can do.
    Blessings,
    Laurette from Ohio

  • Bridget =)

    Her marker is so elegant and beautiful. I love the light in her flowers. I think her coffin is beautiful in the most organic, pure form. I love how simple it is, yet makes such a statement.

    And like another blogger said, I feel like I too am a better mother because of Audrey and you Angie. I think of you and your family EVERY single day, and share your blog and website often.

    Take care,
    Bridget =)

  • Corey Re’

    Oh dear sweet Angie, my heart and eyes are filled with tears reading that. I know the Lord is holding you close, oh ever so close. I will pray you can feel Him, like never before. Till we are all united in heaven with the Lord, and Audrey, I will be praying.

  • Andrea

    Oh, Angie, how hard that must have been – and yet what amazing strength God gave you to help Kate in that moment. How God can use the innocence of a child to bring us to our knees! Thank you for sharing those memories of Audrey’s service and how God has been present for you in all of this.

    Continuing to pray for your healing,
    Andrea

  • AJ

    Wow .. thank you for sharing your heart with us. The last 2 weeks you have been on my mind so much and I have been praying for you and your sweet family. You will find your way again …

    God Love Your Heart,

    Amanda

  • Sherry

    Through the tears of reading your last post — I pray for you.

    But my heart dances that Audrey is home and safe and healed.

    Remember that she nor you are never alone — remember the wind.

  • Raelyn

    I just love reading your blog. I feel my loses everytime I read about yours. I sometimes do not feel like I mourned enough. But I feel like I do a little bit more each time I read here. In a way I do not feel like I ever had any closure. With my 3 loses I never knew what the sex of the babies were. The one I lost in my 18th week, I think the doc was trying to spare me more pain by telling me. He said he couldn’t tell. I do not fully believe that. I would love to put a name with my babies. Well, I have…but those are just my guesses on what I feel they would have been.
    Michael, Dominick & Amelia!
    How I look forward to the day I can hold them.
    Thank you for sharing with us.

  • Stacy D

    Angie,

    You will continue to be in my prayers as you lean on Him while navigating this valley. Thank you for your openess and honesty.

    ~ Stacy

  • Tara

    Thank you for being so honest and raw about your experience. You are helping others by being true to the experience of losing a child. We are all better mothers knowing your story and Audrey through this blog! God bless you and your family!

  • Brambleberry

    I am sitting here in this moment, crying tears as I read of your sweet sorrrow. My heart is aching, one mother for another.

    I will continue to pray that our Savior would be ever near to you, embracing you, comforting you, holding you.

    Thank you for sharing her story.

  • tracie

    So amazing, I’m choked up to even write. You are amazing. Our God is amazing. I hate that you have to feel and experience this pain, that you have to be the messenger of strength to so many. That you have been given his burden to bear, so that we might find inspiration, faith, courage, Him through you and your story.

    So many have said it, I feel silly saying it too … but you are an inspiration {and really words fail me to completely spell out all that I want to say}.

    I have been a quiet prayer-warrior. I am much like the ‘stalker’ you describe in yourself, and if I were ever in line to meet you, I’d turn the other way in a jumbled up mess of thoughts … much like this comment! :)

    God’s greatest blessings to you and your family Angie. You are a special angel on this earth with the greatest awards waiting you in heaven.

  • Rachel C.

    Praying for you, and for sweet Kate, that God might work in her mind to help her understand. And for you whole family, as you walk through this now, and carry it with you always. Our babies are in heaven with Jesus!

  • petrii

    Angie,
    Grief, pain and lonely days without the one/ones you love and want so desperately to have back, although you know their in a place far better than the one they left, is stifling at times, but the love of God ~~ Oh the love of God that touches the wounds of our broken, hurting hearts.

    Beautiful poignant pictures. I was writing your name in my journal for prayer this morning and thought I’d see if there was a new post. Thank you so much for sharing this very hard journey with us.

    Peace to you this day sweet one,
    Dawn

  • Stephanie

    I still pray for you everyday Angie. The pictures are absolutely beautiful.

    What a sweetheart little Miss Kate is to want to share with her little sister. That just brought tears to my eyes…..

  • Tina

    Angie—-that was beautiful and those pictures are the MOST AMAZING pictures I have ever seen. I cannot wait for you to share more. Your entries are incredible and so powerful. I have a daughter in heaven since she was 13 months old and reading your words helps me as well. I alwasy feel God around me at the cemetary it is so peaceful there.

    Tina

  • Kim

    I have been following your story for a few months now, and I have shared it with a fellow firefighter and his wife who have just recently lost one of their twins (they were born at about 25 weeks). I’m hoping that Amy reads your blog, as I know it will help her because you “get” it. I just wanted to share with you a little saying that someone once shared with me during an extremely difficult time in my life – “The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.” You have entered the hearts of so many people, Angie. Please take comfort in knowing that you are loved by many….. ~Kim

  • Stephanie

    Angie, you continue to touch me through your story and words. Thank you for this. Although I am Christian, I am often (probably too often) cynical about religion. Each time I read your blog, it inspires new thoughts and actions on my part. I am still praying for you.

  • Eigna

    Thank you, Angie for sharing your real and honest journey. So many people are afraid to share that. You have no idea how many people it will help! God bless your family.

  • Cindy

    Thank you for sharing such beautiful and personal feelings and photos.
    I continue to pray for each of you as you walk this path.
    May God bring some joy into your day.
    Cindy ~ Phoenix

  • Rebekah Walker

    Oh Angie. I have no words. Thinking of you. Always thinking of you. Praying as my eyes are filled with tears. Thank you for sharing, we are all in this with you.

  • Melissa Irwin

    I’ve really gotta start reading your blog at night instead of in them mornings…..now I have to redo my eyes before meeting with a client. Wow.

    My blog is therapy for me too. I’m so thankful that you are willing to share with all of us.

  • Lara

    I have all to often been a cynical an pessimistic person. Ever since I stumbled on to your blog I have began to look at life in a whole new way. My prayer life has been revived and my outlook has improved. You are truly inspirational and Audrey has made such a difference to my life because you have shared your journey. Thank you. I pray for you and your family every day.

  • Chele

    My eyes are full of tears as I read your post. I am so very sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine trying to figure out what life is supposed to be like without a little one you were planning on spending your earthly life with. I pray daily (sometimes several times a day) that God will give you peace Angie, comfort and peace. And I also thank GOd that Audrey is healed and with our Savior. I know we don’t know each other, but I feel like we all are trying to help carry your burden. My heart truly aches for you right now.
    In Christian Love,
    Chele

  • Setala Family

    I cry for and with you. I cannot imagine what you and your family are going through but it is my prayer that as you walk this valley that God will cover you with His Everlasting wings and that your family will know His healing, peace and grace on a daily basis. Thank you for sharing so honestly about this journey.

  • Mmot988

    Dear Anige, Once again God is using you and your struggles, triumphs, and honesty to speak to my heart. Sweet sister in the Lord, you are still so very much in my heart and prayers. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your family. You are a gift to all of us.

    Becky

  • Michelle

    I have been reading your blog for a while now. All I can say is WOW you are an incredible woman. With all that you have been through you constantly praise God and I know you will be blessed fully for that. You are passing this test for sure. I love how open and honest you are with your blog and how I sense that you really do pray everyday for your readers and I pray everyday for you and your family. God bless you and your beautiful family.

    Your Sister in Christ,
    Michelle

  • Patti Cole Cowgill

    Angie –
    thank you for sharing your heart with us… i should know better than to read your blog while i am at work… i continue to pray for peace and continued healing for your family…
    patti

  • Maddie and Jack’s Mommy

    You words bless me so much. You are such a gift to so many. I cry with you and and hurt for you. May our God of PEACE be with you…

    Love you and your family.

  • beckyjomama

    Beautiful.

    I am speechless – prayerful speechlessness. The Holy Spirit is there to make my moans (and yours my sweet friend) into a beautiful prayer to our Father.

    He hears, He knows and He answers.

    Love to you, sweet Mommy, and your family too,
    Becky Jo

  • Leslie

    Praying for you all.

  • Gail Lynn

    Dear, sweet, Angie: I understand the feelings your are having at not being able to “get your brain to function, properly”. I stand in the shower, at times, and just “howl” because of my grief. (At those times, I am glad the man in the apartment beside me is deaf.)

    The pictures were too much for words. Todd touching her little casket w/his Bible in hand and then him kissing it – brings back so many memories of when I ‘had to let go’.

    Bless you, and Todd and your beautiful, honest, girls; they are a breath of fresh air. Again, thank you for being so “open and honest” with those who read your words. I, too, feel my blog is therapy for me – and often think people are tired of enteries about my parents…. (but it IS my blog~!)

    God bring you peace and rest~. Shalom!
    Gail Lynn

  • cpolis

    I have been reading your story over the last month and a touched by your grace and compassion.

    i am crying tears right now for you and precious Kate, who thought she was going to see her little sister.

    Lord will you bless Kate with a spirit of compassion and understanding, may she alway be tender to the things held deep in her mother’s heart. And may she never forget the Audrey who she cuddled and kissed and loved.

  • kelliemwilson

    I have never posted a reply to your blog, but am a faithful reader. You encourage me, remind me, humble me, on and on. You are such a message to me in many ways.

    I have never lost a child, I have two 6 & 3. I can not begin to imagine the grief you & Todd feel. I just can’t wrap my mind around it enough to understand fully. I feel selfish that I am thankful that I can not fully understand this grief. I feel that if I could, I could pray a “better” prayer and say what I want to say “better” for you & Todd when I pray for you. I don’t know you personally but yet you open your life to all of us who read your blog. You are amazing. You have such a beautiful heart and family that you share with so many of us strangers who just pass by a part of your day when you have time to share a gem with us. I tell so many of my friends about you & your story. I have shared your blog with so many women. I find myself referring to you in conversations.

    This is still so raw for you & your family, yet you let us into another chapter of this story. You show us photos of your family at Audrey’s funeral – thank you. They are beautiful photos and you have such a talented friend who takes the photos of your family.

    You recognize that this is a season of your grief and that you will have better days and more like this. You are wise. You see and know that He is with you and you recognize His subtle reminders – the wind, the rain, the church bells…So many times, I do not stop to recognize the reminders and fully know that He is with me. You have brought me closer to the faith that I have known for most of my life. Thank you for that and for so many other places you have brought me to through your blog. I continue to pray for you & your beautiful family.

  • pakosta

    your story breaks my heart and at the same time give me hope. i really think you should bind up your blog into a book of audreys’ life and sell it….you are an amazing writer…..and i bet so many other people could be reached through a book also……just a thought…thanks for sharing your life. hugs to you.
    tara

  • Kari

    You are so normal…I wish you only knew how normal you are right now….you express it so beautifully and there will be times you will want to feel the grief just so you will feel those moments again. It’s 20 years down the road for me with Laci and 14 with my son who drowned..and yes, there are times I want to feel the grief. You are normal, my friend. It’s just normal is different now.

  • Jen

    May God bless you and your family, always.

  • April

    Sweet Angie. I’m so glad you decided to share your pictures with us here. I love them. I love the pic of the wind in your hair, and feel the same way about the Holy Spirit’s comforting presence in it. I love Audrey’s pretty new stone, Kate’s beautiful feet, and Todd’s touching kiss. Your family is so precious to me. Praying that the great Wind will continue to comfort you all.

  • Cindy-Still His Girl

    Sweet Angie,
    I’ve been reading all this time but I don’t think I’ve commented before. I am praying today that somehow, in some way, all of us reading your blog, all of us who read and don’t even comment, all of your friends and family, can somehow help bear some of the sorrow; carry some of it for you so it won’t be so heavy for you.

    You truly are such a gifted writer, and every single time I read here, I just know that God is going to use you in mighty ways to comfort and perhaps even help guide other mommies who are aching for their babies.

    I’m praying today that you don’t feel as lost, that you hear a voice behind you whisper to you, “This is the way; walk in it.”

    Much love from a stranger sister.

  • Super B’s Mom

    A huge lump sits in my throat and tears in my eyes as I sit in my office after reading this. Words can’t express how touched I was reading about the breeze and then seeing the picture.

    I am so touched and inspired to do better. To be better. May God bless you today. I pray that you begin to “find your way” again very soon.

  • screamofcontinuousness

    Angie, one of the wonderful things about heaven is that I will get to hug your sweet neck and cry with you in person.

    Until then, just know that we all cry with you.

  • Julie

    Thank you for sharing more of your sweet Audrey Caroline with all of us. She is such a sweet, sweet blessing. Praying for your hurting heart from one “fellow mommy” to another.

    Words from a song by Jana Stanfield:

    “If I’m afraid, [it] doesn’t mean that I’m not brave.
    If I doubt, [it] doesn’t mean that I’ve lost faith.
    If I fall, [it] doesn’t mean I can’t go on.
    If I cry, [it] doesn’t mean that I’m not strong.”

    It’s okay to be afraid…to doubt…to fall…to cry……..
    Just remember you are so strong, faithful, brave and you will go on! Always carrying Audrey with you.

    Thank you for being you, Angie.

    Many prayers!

  • Janell Fredericks

    Angie- You are a TRUE inspiration to me. I can’t even begin to tell you what your words and your heart for God as done for me and my walk.

    I had an empty womb for 5 long years than God poured out his blessing on our family not once but 3 times!!! Hannah is 6, Avery is 4, and we have 1 year old identical Twin girls, Chloe and Christina…Life is CRAZY at BEST but, I can’t imagine LIFE any other way.

    … while your Blob has become part of your therapy… it has become part of my daily devotions. I have CRIED many tears for you and your lovely family. I have lifted you up in PRAYERS and I feel like I know you…
    THANK YOU, Thank You, THANK YOU!!!

    Sending love and hugs from the GREAT state of MN.

  • Kelly

    Angie – I’m just sitting here sad with you.
    Those pictures made me cry. I’m glad you have them to remember that day.
    Praying for you…………….

  • Mocha with Linda

    How do you type a hug?

    The story of your struggles and then the marker and Kate was so tender and touching. And then to see the pictures and read about the day of Audrey’s burial just grabbed my heart.

    Thank you for sharing these difficult moments. For allowing us to enter your pain in a small way.

    You are loved.

  • AJ

    thanks for sharing moments of that day… I really feel like we have walked with you through this in some way or another.

  • Georgia’s blog

    Our baby girls left this earth only 21 days apart and I have felt exactly like you have this past couple of weeks… Rachel’s headstone should be ready soon. We have been waiting for weeks with anticipation & trepidation… Maybe I will be ready to share soon the day of Rachel’s funeral… I am not there yet… but yes it was a beautiful day, that’s about all I can muster so far. Angie thank you so much for sharing your journey… it helps me and touches me deeply. And yes our girls are touching many… thank you Lord Jesus!

  • Georgia’s blog

    Our baby (yes Rachel was 15, but always my baby) girls left this earth only 21 days apart and I have felt exactly like you have this past couple of weeks… Rachel’s headstone should be ready soon. We have been waiting for weeks with anticipation & trepidation… Maybe I will be ready to share soon the day of Rachel’s funeral… I am not there yet… but yes it was a beautiful day, that’s about all I can muster so far. Angie thank you so much for sharing your journey… it helps me and touches me deeply. And yes our girls are touching many… thank you Lord Jesus!

  • Kristina

    Angie,
    I’m reading this at work, where part of my job is to answer the phones. When you started talking about the casket I got a big lump in my throat, knowing there were going to be pictures and knowing my phone would ring right as I got to them and I’d be unable to answer the phone. It did, and I was. =)They are beautiful pictures, and a beautiful entry. I will be praying extra hard these next few days, as the pain will probably be fresh again.
    Kristina

  • Amanda

    Oh, Angie…what a beautiful post…right from your heart. I’m sorry these last days have been so difficult, and wish there was more we could do to take away the pain you feel so deeply. Please remember you are not alone…we love you!

  • victoria_watts

    Dear Angie,
    I am praying every day for you and your family. I pray that God continues to bring comfort to you. I have never known the pain of losing a child and my heart breaks for you as a mother and sister in Christ. My son is 16 and I am so blessed to be his mom.

    Audrey was blessed with the best parents in the world. God had nobody more perfect for her than you.

    My prayers will continue to be for you.

    In HIS Grip,
    Tori
    PA

  • Erin

    I have been reading your blog for several months now, and I am praying for you.

    I wanted to let you know that I have put a link on my blog to yours…

    Thank you for allowing God to minister to me and others through your life and your willingness to be transparent!

    Erin V.
    http://his-heart.blogspot.com/

  • Jen

    I’m sobbing in my office, truly feeling the raw emotion of your terrible day. I work at a church, and I am alone this morning. I lit a candle at Christ’s feet for all of you, and it will burn today.

    ~Jen

  • Lindsey

    Wow….my heart hurts for you..and I am praying for you that you can see the strength that God has given you. Even though you don’t feel it sometimes I know He has placed it there. Audrey has blessed so many..including me. God is amazing! I am praying for you and your family…… God Bless you and keep you and may He give you Strength and Peace.

  • Lou Campbell

    You’re not alone, and I walk this path with you too.

    I completely understand the shock you felt when you saw Audrey’s coffin. I felt the same way when I held my daughter’s container of ashes from the funeral home. You know the scented sachets that people hang in their cars? That’s how little there was of her. I hope that the words you receive from all of us are comforting to you–it’s the best we can do, and I’m honored to be a part of your healing, as you are a part of mine.

    God Bless,
    Lou

  • Amy

    Angie,

    I have been reading your story since I heard about baby Luke on “The Fish” radio station here in Nashville. Since that day I have been praying for your family and sweet Luke’s family.

    I feel somewhat connected to you, even though I have never met you. I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter named Sarah-Kate. I live in Nashville. I also have a sweet little girl, Julie, who is 9 months old. Reading your blog reminds me of God’s grace in every moment and how kind He is to me. And that “peace that passes understanding” has been so real in my life. I can see it in yours, too. I also know that God gives his grace for every moment, and I can see that He has given that grace to you.

    I’m so sorry for the pain that has touched your family recently.

    I just want you to know that through your blog and through things like announcements on radio stations, God is building an army of prayer warriors on your behalf. We are lifting you up every day, crying with you, and wishing so hard we could make it all better.

    God bless you, Angie. And give your Sarah-Kate kisses from my Sarah-Kate.

    Amy in Nashville

  • julie

    Angie, I am continuing to pray for you all. It amazes me as to how the Lord worked at Audrey’s funeral is so similar to our Samuel’s. It was January…and it was warm and there was this awesome warmth and breeze that filled the tent. I remember also feeling as though the spirit was moving. As I read that what you wrote I thought…Lord how precious are these babies to you. You love them so much and love us so much. You are right…although these feelings are natural…there is nothing natural about this. Praying for a easier day! Julie

  • Timeless and Treasured, Photography by Heather

    Crying with you again, and praying for you always.

  • Tricia Moran

    Angie, we are with you in prayer. I am the Irish girl who wrote to you. You and your precious family are in our hearts and prayers every day. I know that there is no way around the pain of these days, but you are a shining example of what trusting God means. You have helped me with my own faith more than you will ever know. And you will have peace again. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself.
    We hold you in our hearts,
    Tricia and Clan (N.Virginia)
    irishsamom@msn.com

  • Shelly

    It was 21 years ago this month(7/5)that we buried my Neice, Amber. She died of SIDS when she was 27 days old. When I saw Audrey’s coffin, it brought back the memories of the small coffin that Amber was in. Only one pall bearer was needed. The pain and grief is always there but the joy is always there too that they are safe in the arms of Jesus.

    Your story has ministered to me in so many ways. I have never lost a child, but my brother has and so I know what Todd’s siblings are feeling and the same for Nicol.How is she doing? I think of her often as well.

    Hang in there Angie. So many people love you and are praying for you. I feel like part of your family. Thank you for sharing your heart. I love you my sister.

  • Jantiva

    Oh Angie, My heart is broken for you and my eyes are filled with tears for you and your precious family. Thank you for sharing your heart and your sweet Kate with us. I only wish I could meet you in person so that I could give you a hug. Praying for you!
    In His Matchless Love!
    Jan

  • Amanda

    Thank you for sharing this. Audrey continues to touch lives because you have carried her voice for her. I will continue to lift you up in prayer.

    I just love the David Crowder song and wish I could get my hands on it! Next time you see him, don’t leave! :-) I cry every time I hear the line “I didn’t know you were crying too.” I forget that God grieves with us. Our pain is His pain. I am so thankful for that reminder of how much God loves us and cares about our hearts.

  • Erin

    Angie,

    I have windchimes in my own garden. I have them by my door so that I hear them every time I am in the kitchen.

    You may already know this, but I feel compelled to share with you. I have those chimes because the greek word for Spirit in the Bible is pneuma. But the pneuma is also the wind and the breath. The same is true in Hebrew, but the word is ruach. The very breath of God wraps around us every time the wind blows. The Spirit sings in those chimes.

    Know, my sweet sister, that you do not walk this journey alone.

  • Lorri

    “Who’s that,” my 5 1/2 year old daughter asked in seeing Kate’s picture with her book at the grave. She settled up into my lap, took the headphones from the desk and put them on her ears. She said for quite some time, just studying the photo and listening to the music. “Who’s that girl?” she asked again.

    “That’s a Big Sister whose Little Sister died and she’s bringing her a book because she misses her.”

    That wasn’t enough information. She questioned more: “Are they pretending?”

    How I wanted to scream on your behalf Angie, “Yes! Babies don’t die. They are just pretending.” But I answered with truth: “No sweetheart, they aren’t pretending. Their baby really died and they are so sad and miss her so they go visit the cemetery.”

    My five year old sat silently taking in this information. It was very foreign to her. I thought of your twins to whom this is not foreign at all any more. My Olivia continued, “Is that what people do?”

    Bring picture books as love offerings. Need to run to the grocery store after seeing their baby’s grave marker for the first time. Wrap their infant in a tiny wooden chest and bury her under the earth like secret treasure or an acorn waiting to burst into a might oak tree. Believe and continue to believe that God is loving and kind and good and all powerful and will really one day wipe every tear from our eyes?

    “Yes,” I replied through my own tears, “That’s what people do.”

    Bless you dear family, especially Big Sister Kate.

    With love,

    Lorri Steer

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • Rebecca & Sam

    wow…thanks for sharing such beautiful pics and your story. i had to shut the door to my office as my eyes began to fill with tears. such a sweet testimony your family has.
    again thanks for sharing.
    zellemrfud.blogspot.com

  • tera

    i’ve never commented here before, but i need to thank you for your very raw perspective on the not so normal of grief. my eyes are filled with tears this morning, along with you. i wanted to let you know that your writing has inspired me to write again after several months of not being able to because of my own grief. more importantly i am able to write from my heart for the first time. may God be glorified in it all!
    thank you angie.

    ps…leave those grief manuals on the nightstand and read theshackbook.com !!!!!!!!!!

  • Cheri

    Your story of the breeze brought back the memory that is never too far off. A miscarriage I had about 6 years ago. The doctor suggested that giving the baby a name might help. So, that is what I did, and like you, writing is therapy for me…

    I think I will call you Wendy,
    It’s the perfect name you see.
    For you blew through so fast,
    It seems almost make believe.
    I didn’t smell that wonderful scent as you flew by with your wings,
    Nor did I get to hear you,
    You’re up where the sparrow sings.
    I think I’d like to touch you,
    But when I grasp nothing is there.
    So I breathe in and I breathe out
    Oh, how I love the air!

    Praying for victory through the pain my friend, Cheri

  • paperglueetc

    Angie-as usual I’m glad I haven’t put my make up on yet. I had my world turned upside down on Wednesday and I know I’ve been here to see if you’ve posted since then but I didn’t notice this post until today. The picture of Todd kissing that little coffin took my breath away. We have an urn and it’s so little so I know that feeling…thinking about you, I’m in my own fog and have found myself feeling unconnected this week, my faith is being challenged and I’m not sure I’m meeting the challenge, thank you for “speaking to my heart”

  • CARRIE

    We are right here with you. Your tears flow, ours flow as well. After all the blogs you have posted, this one hit hard. I admire you over and over again. I hadn’t realized how much pictures would affect me after reading so many of your blogs, but wow, what a morning for me. The pictures at the cemetary make my heart ache. At that very moment I wanted to be there. If I could hold you and cry with you, I would. The picture of your husband raising his hand in praise makes me think of my father sitting in Church when I was a child. I knew at that moment my dad was completely connected with God, praising him, thanking him.

    May God provide you with strength and heal you.

    God Bless your family, Angie.

  • SteffiLynne

    Hello again…I am on your blog 3 or 4 times a day, with having 2 urns in our home from our lil ones I understand the grief you are in and I find strength in your words..if that makes sense to you….I would really like to get together with you and talk, I understand you are busy but if you ever get a moment it would be great to share with you, I have emailed my personal email and cell # to you before…
    ~HUGS~

  • Stacy

    Father God, please comfort them, as only YOU can…

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • N, K, D, E & Zoe

    Angie, thank you for sharing your heart, your daughter and your family with us.

    My prayers are with you. May the God of love comfort you today and always.

    Kelly – Spokane, WA

  • utahsweeney

    We’re here and we’re listening. Thank you so much for sharing. We are blessed by it.

  • Candie

    I can never read your blog without crying. Oh, how my heart aches for you. Your pictures are beautiful, what a treasure. Remember that the Lord knows your pain and He has saved every tear that you’ve shed. The Lord put these verses in my mind to share with you. They’re from Mark 10 verses 14 & 16. “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.” God bless you and your family

    http://www.candielynn.blogspot.com

  • Lindsay

    I feel like I should have something more to say, but your words always leave me speechless.
    I pray for you, everyday.
    ~ Lindsay

  • Sue

    Dear Angie,
    I started reading your blog when a friend of mine told me about it. She knew I would relate to you. Our second child, Brooks, died as a result of chemo to cure his leukemia. He was 10 years old. It has been four and a half years.

    I can’t imagine what you are going through, even though we’ve both had a child die.
    What you describe is so real and so raw.
    I remember feeling some of the things you describe, and yet your pain is unique.
    I want you to know there is hope to relieve your pain from the loss of Audrey.
    My husband and I took a class that next to being a Christian totally changed our lives.
    We now teach that class at through our church, right here in Nashville.
    Yes, we miss Brooks.
    Yes, we always will.
    Yes, I will always be sad that he is not here sharing every day with us.
    But that indescribable pain is gone.
    Please keep my email address.
    I will be waiting for the day you are ready.
    Sue Richardson
    suerichardson@comcast.net

  • Theresa

    I am crying with you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful family with us. My prayers to you all.

  • MMM

    Thank you for sharing your stories. My heart breaks for you and my eyes are full of tears. I pray that you will continue to find peace and your pain will ease with each day. Hang in there–you’re doing great.

  • snbjork

    Everyone has already said what I am feeling right now.

    You and your family (and suffering friends) are in my prayers daily.

  • Kelly

    How can something be so sad yet so beautiful at the same time? I have shed many tears for you and shared your story with others.

    Your blog is making a difference to all of us, some have lost children and others, like me, who have not.

    I am grateful it is also helping you go through this process no mother should have. God Bless you and your beautiful family.

    Kelly

  • godzgaljen

    What a story of love today….God’s love for you all…your love for each other. I am overwhelmed with tears and can hardly see what I am typing. Thank you for sharing your heart again today Angie. I pray for you all!! Jen from Ohio

  • Janelle

    as i sit here at work with tears in my eyes. i just want to write you such a long letter about how your posts have touched my life & how your words are making a difference. your words are beautiful, and they are healing. i think of your family all the time, and the light & spirit that come from each one of you is inspiring and really shines the love of Jesus to anyone who reads your blogs – and i’m sure even MORE to those you come in contact with. :) what a blessing! that picture of you & your husband worshiping through this storm is testament to what God is doing in your lives, and also what He will CONTINUE to do!
    praying for you…

  • Allison

    I went straight to my Bible book of promises and searched specifically for a verse for you to carry with you in these tough days.
    1) Isaiah 43:2: “When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overfolow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shlat not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee;
    2)Psalm 142:3: “When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then thou knewest my path”
    Praying for you and Todd!
    ~Allison

  • Jenn

    I love you. I feel like I know you, I have known you all my life. I have this hurt deep inside me that screams at me every time I read your blog. Im sorry doesnt cut it, Im praying for you only gives a little comfort, I love you only helps a little. This pain I feel is nothing compared to what you go through every single day and I cant hardly bare it. I hope that the little bit of comfort and hope each person who leaves you a comment will add up to enough to help. So heres my contribution: I love you! Im praying for you! Im crying out to God for you! Im wiping my tears away while you wipe at yours! Sweet girl, rest and enjoy what God has given you and know your baby is safe healed smiling jumping playing and happy. I know you already know it but it may help to hear it over and over again. I LOVE YOU!

  • The Rhoderick Family

    Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story with all of us. We appreciate you opening up a very private time in your family’s life. Your words bless me and help me heal in my own loss of my beautiful daughter Jillian. Thank you so much for being such a wonderful source of encouragement.

  • The Beaver Bunch

    Angie,
    I don’t comment much, but I think about you daily. The love in my heart for you and your sweet family is so special because I know our kinship is in Christ. As the tears flooded with the picture of Audrey’s funeral, the sobbing began with the picture of Todd kissing her casket. My heart breaks for you and I hope that one day we can meet in person, even if it is only for a brief hug and prayer.

  • Kari

    Eyes filled with tears and a heart that is breaking for you and your family!! I pray for you all on a daily basis…just imagine those same arms that are holding your sweet little angel are reaching down and holding you too…Thanks so much for sharing…I have found alot about my faith and what I need work on and change through your blog Thank you….

  • Dawn

    Angie,
    You continue to amaze me with your strength (Yes, you are Strong) and your faith (never wavering). Your words touch me and make me strive to be a better person and my faith has increased since I found you.

  • Dani

    This post really got me today. As I sit here an type this I am in tears. I cry because my heart hurts for you. It aches to see you okay. I just want to wrap my arms around you and make everything better! I think often of your story. Wondering why God allows us to go through things such as this. I know why but you know sometimes you just don’t…if that makes any sense. :)

    I have a really good friend that has lost her baby girl for this same reasons. We talk the other day and just remembered her. I wasn’t friends with her at the time baby Mary Faith passed but I still feel I knew her. I told her your story as I held her knew baby girl and watched her other four boys play. It was a sweet moment for me.

    I have come across several stories similiar to yours, mostly through your blog and have wondered if God is trying to prepare me for something.. I am only 18 but want to get married (still single) and have kids one day. I keep feeling as if God is trying to prepare me for something. At first I was thinking NO GOD. I don’t want to take that path. No way. BUt then I began changing my prayer. Through you I began to realize that No I don’t want to go down this path. I don’t want to have to feel that pain and grief. But if that is the way the Lord would have me go I am here. I will go. I know I can get through it. It’s a hard realization to make. But I know he will ALWAYS be there. Thank you for sharing today. I needed to be reminded of God’s peace and comfort!

    I love ya so much,
    Dani

  • candesintx

    Sometimes this pain is unbearable for ME. I can’t imagine your pain.

    The marker is simply beautiful. My prayers go out to your girls.

    Special hugs to Kate.

  • Arsenault Family

    I read your blog and am so touched by your honesty. Thanks for sharing your true feelings…it must be so hard to do. Know that you are covered in prayer…if you do not have the strength to pray, others are doing it for you.

  • Wendy

    Angie dear…I am crying with you this morning, as my mother’s heart is breaking for you and the pain you are enduring. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers.

  • Mary Helen

    Angie, you and your sweet family are in my prayers. Your story truly ministers to others in the world and I know Audrey is so proud to have such an amazing mommy. Thank you for sharing the pictures with us. They are a testimony to God’s love and faithfulness. May you remember that as you grieve. We are grieving with you.

    I loved reading your interpretation of Kate’s words to you. They remind me of my Sunday School kids and it made me smile. Such innocence and wisdom come through those little mouths. Give those precious girls a big hug every day.

  • Mary-Dare

    My heart aches for you. When we go to visit our sweet Mac, my three year old Jane doesn’t comprehend it either. She now says baby Mac is in heaven and we go see him where the flowers are. However, you can see she doesn’t really understand. She doesn’t even remember him or the funeral. She was only 15 months old. She just sees him in pictures in our home and that breaks my heart. I now have a 4 month old little boy, Wyatt, and I have to remind Jane that she has two brothers. It is so hard to know the best way to make there little minds understand. Yet there have been times when Jane has seen me get upset and cry at missing Mac and she always says “You know he is in heaven Mommy” and “It will be okay”. Her little voice can be so comforting. She hates to see me get upset. Yes, yes he is in heaven and so is Audrey. Just sometimes your heart and every part of your being needs them here.

    I too replay the memories of those days. I didn’t know of anyone having photographers come in or things like that. We took pictures ourselves but they are nothing like your beautiful photographs. We chose not to take the video camera into the delivery at the prompting of the doctors. They were unsure how things would transpire. Yet, when he arrived he did cry for just a moment. My husband caught that moment with our digital camera (it can do short videos). I have sat at my computer and played that over and over many times. Though, the moments are bitter sweet. They are the moments I had with my little one. Thank you for sharing. It gives me strength to know I am not the only one who feels the need to revisit such a time. Some of my friends and family are very unsettled by it. I cannot and will not forget him or leave him out. I have three children. Thank you again.

    Mary-Dare
    Mother to Jane, Mac (diagnosed with PUV at 18 weeks gestation), and Wyatt

  • Katie

    I am not sure how to put into words what I think. In fact, something that keeps me coming to your blog is the fact that you are able to say what is in your heart so eloquently, and I thank you for that.

    First, I cannot imagine the feeling of losing a child. For some reason, Google Reader suggests many blogs about child-loss and infertility for me. I have read some of them, being inspired by the strength of the women that write them, none more so than you. I have ditched all but yours because some focus on the loss so heavily, in such a manner that makes me feel that reading the blog makes me support their depression.

    I love how you rejoice in your daughters. They are the essence of purity and what is right with the world.

    Thank you for your words and your honesty. I wish that peace that passes understanding will creep into your daily lives.

    Many blessings,
    Katie

  • Becky

    Angie,

    My heart aches for you – I know we don’t know each other, but I lift you and your sweet family in my prayers on a daily basis along with all those who have been touched by your story and by Audrey. Grief is one of those mysteries that is just hard to find your way through – but I know that our God is right there beside you – His arms wrapped tightly around you, holding you and wiping away the pain. He knows what it’s like. He knows your hurt. You are not alone.

    God bless you.

  • Stacy

    I’ve been reading your story for awhile, now- a month?- but have never commented.
    But I want to say, today, a couple of things:

    ~I am so sorry for your loss. That picture, here, in this post- of you- breaks my heart. I cannot imagine the grief you have carried as a mother, though we both know you have not carried it alone.
    ~You write beautifully. Not just because you are a gifted writer and have a gift of stringing together words and thoughts (and you do!), but because you invite us all in to the bigger picture of what God is weaving here. Thank you for making Him look good; for bringing glory to Him through your grief.

    Blessings to you and your sweet family,
    ~Stacy

  • Lindsay

    I absolutely adore the picture of Aubrey’s Daddy kissing her. Beautiful…

  • Darcy

    Angie,
    I pray for you right now, that in this time of such deep and intense sorrow and grief that the Lord will carry you. I also ask that as you share your grief with us, that the Lord will allow us help carry you and your grief too.
    darcy
    http://ittybittyblog.wordpress.com

  • Jessica

    I’m crying with you. You are amazing. I miscarried 10 days after you lost Audrey and it’s so fascinating to me how God has used your story to encourage me along the way. We are grieving our losses together, miles apart and at different levels.
    There is a song by Meredith Andrews called “You’re Not Alone.” I clung to this as part of my healing process. I just went to visit my hometown and had the opportunity to sing this song a few times and share through my experience of loss and pain in this world I’m not alone. And encouraged them in their painful experiences in life that they are not alone.

    You’re Not Alone
    Meredith Andrews

    I searched for love
    When the night came and it closed in
    I was alone
    but you found me where I was hiding
    and now I’ll never ever be the same
    It was the sweetest voice that called my name
    saying

    You’re not alone
    For I am here
    let me wipe away your every fear
    My love I’ve never left your side
    I have seen you through the darkest night
    and I’m the one who’s loved you all your life
    All of your life

    You cry yourself to sleep
    cause the hurt is real
    and the pain cuts deep
    All hope seems lost
    With heartache your closest friend
    and everyone else long gone

    You’ve had to face the music on your own
    but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
    saying

    You’re not alone
    For I am here
    let me wipe away your every tear
    My love I’ve never left your side
    I have seen you through the darkest nights
    And I’m the one who’s love you all your life
    All your life

    Faithful and true… Forever
    For my love will carry you….

    You’re not alone
    for I… I am here
    let me wipe away your every fear… Oh yeah
    My love I’ve never left your side
    I have seen you through your darkest nights
    Your darkest nights
    And I’m the one who’s loved you all your life
    All of your life

    Praise be to God that I could share this truth with others. Without going through my loss I probably would have never communicated this truth as loud and as bold.
    Praise God that God is speaking through you the truths about Him so those that don’t know Him will!
    I love you!

  • Catherine

    Oh Angie. I love you. I’m so sorry for your ongoing sadness. I know this is part of the journey. I’m hoping that by letting it all out, in your beautiful writing, that you are able to ease some of your pain.

    We are all still here for you, praying, and loving you and little Audrey from all over the country.

    With love,
    Catherine

  • Shannon

    I love your comment on the unseen but ever present wind and how that is like the Holy Spirit. A friend of mine lost her son years ago in a swimming accident and still has moments where she is “lost” without him and feels miles away from God. So just the other day she was sitting on her back porch, praying for God to show himself so she would know that He is still with her. And in that moment the very big, very old oak tree in her yard began to shake with the wind. I have chills thinking that she just told me that story and you are using the same description. I am praying for you and your family.

  • Joy

    I just wish I could give you a hug. I saw you in a video over on Jessica’s hubby’s blog and you look fantastic today. And I can’t imagine that being there for her birth is a bit surreal and strange—but I’m only assuming.

    Thank you for sharing such an intimate glimpse of the Celebration of Life ceremony (that’s what I call funerals). I LOVE the picture of you and Todd sitting together, your eyes shut and your hair blowing behind you, and his hand raised up in prayer and humility.

  • Twy

    Angie,
    With 5 days to go till my due date, I think of you and pray for you and your family daily. My thoughts are frequently drifting towards you and your beautiful spirit. Just knowing and hearing he is around us always and surrounding us with his love is so so comforting to me. I want you to know that, that he comforts me through you. I turn to him more now, I seek him more now and I yearn to be more now in his eyes. Big Hugs to you. Love Twyla

  • David, Ashley and Noah

    Like so many comments above, with my eyes filled with tears, I mour with you today. The pictures are beautiful but heartbreaking. Know that you are hugged and loved tonight sister.
    Just 10 months after having my first, we found out we are pregnant again. I’m filled with worry every day, that somethings wrong and I won’t be given this little blessing. I pray tonight that I can be still…
    Your sister in Christ, Ashley

  • Carissa

    Thanks for sharing this story and the pictures (they’re gorgeous). I’m trying not to cry right now- will be thinking about you and your family.

  • Kim

    Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts and your most precious pictures with us. Know that we are all praying for your family. I’m so happy the way things worked out with your momment with Kate and Audrey. I know that had to be very hard. When my brother was killed I had the same problems of getting lost in a familiar area and forgetting my best friends name. I felt so stupid. But it’s the way our brains work during these times.
    Praying for healing,
    Kim

  • Penny

    Angie

    How raw your feelings and life is right now. This time is a season that no matter how much you try you can’t “skip”. Your words ring so familar with me. Getting lost in your own area, crying till there are no tears, begging for God’s grace and touch. Three years after our loss I can still be brought to tears in a second. But….. my love and faith in God’s plan is stronger than ever! I see that in your beautifully written words.

    Your Audrey is such a gift…… God’s words through you is minitering to so many. Your words are balm to my own wounds and grief over a baby girl taken so soon.

    Thank you for all you do and share the words you write and your transparent being.

    Love, Penny

  • tammy

    Thank you for sharing these precious memories with us.

    I’m not sure what else to say as your posts always leave me feeling speechless & humbled.

    Angie, you have no idea how many times you have ministered to my soul through this blog. The impact you have had on my heart & my faith are HUGE and indescribable as I am navigating my way through learning to believe again…

    Your words continue to make me a better mom, a better wife, a better friend. I also want you to know that I am now starting to pick up my bible & pray again after some very painful times in my life.

    Again, thank you.

    Wishing you healing, peace, & love

    Tammy
    http://www.soaringwithmendedwings.blogspot.com

  • The Holman family life blog

    I have read every thing you have written but this post has brought many tears for me today. I hadn’t cried for a while.
    But that was beautiful. You have an amazing gift to be able to write so beautifully. And I thank you for sharing your story with each and every one of us.
    Much Love,
    Misty

    (feel free to check out my open blog at http://mistysramblings.wordpress.com/)

  • Simplyliz

    Oh, my, goodness. I am so thankful for your transparency and honesty. I know He is working through you. Philippians 1:6

  • Michaelene

    I am crying with you. You are an amazing woman of God and I feel so fortunate to have had the chance to “know” you. The pictures are unbelievably beautiful, but your words, Angie, your words are completely filled with God’s Grace.
    I have two precious little beings on earth and I have a set of twins who are in His Arms. You strike such a chord in me, a complete understanding of the longing to see them, to hold them and the wonder of who they would have been today!
    Thank you for bringing Him with you in every word – I feel so Graced everytime I read your writings.
    My Love & Prayers.

  • Crystal

    Angie, Thank you for sharing with us once again. Audrey’s coffin is beautiful. Kate is such a sweet big sister and I am glad she was able to go with you on that day. I am still praying for you daily to make it through your grief and I am so glad that you are able to come here as some sort of therapy and have all of these people pray for you. Many prayers and a lot of love to you and your family, Angie.

    Crystal
    Lagrange,Ga

  • Miranda

    You are truly and amazing woman. Thank you for letting me be a part of this time in your life. I have not experienced the same things as you, but your words help me more than you know. Thank You, again, for being a blessing in my life.

  • Lauren

    My heart continues to break for you and everything you’ve had to go through. Thank you again for having the courage to share your story with us all.

  • Regina

    Thank you for sharing your heart today – and your tears. When you talk of Kate’s behavior I see my own 3 year old and it just tears me up.
    Hugs-

  • Linda

    The Lord brought you to mind as I prayed this morning. I pray He will enfold you in His great arms of love. I know that the tears of Jesus are mingled with your own, and that He loves and understands.

  • Julie

    I came and started my morning reading, I have been thinking about the holy spirit all week since our pastor preached on Sunday about it. At the exact moment in the blog where you talk about the Holy Spirit swirling around like wind, the holy spirit started to move in my heart. I read down to the first picture and Bring the Rain got to the part of worship. I started worshiping the Lord and crying out to him. I met him hear this morning or really he met me here. I was feeling sad when I came here, thinking about how I feel alone in some ways. Then I came here and he met me, he is always here and I am never alone. Thank you dear sweet friend for loving Jesus and listening to him. He is using you to minister to others, even in the worst way our human minds can imagine.

  • Sara

    oh angie…you don’t know me, but my heart aches with yours…i want to say that i understand, but i don’t…so i’ll just say thank you for sharing your story with us, because i know you are touching so many lives by speaking God’s Truth and Love into other people’s situations, especially those who may not know Him…i really am praying for you…i know a lot of people say that, but those are not just empty words…your name is in my prayer journal now <3 may God bless your beautiful heart and bring healing rain every day as you continue to draw near to Him

  • Sheryl

    you amaze me every time i come to meet you here! thank you for sharing with us. those pictures took my breath away and caused the tears to flow. God is so pleased with you and your family for how you are showing HIM to the world.

    with love and still praying,
    sheryl

  • hennhouse

    “Go out and stand on the mountain,” the Lord replied. “I want you to see me when I pass by.” All at once, a strong wind shook the mountain and shattered the rocks. But the Lord was not in the wind. Next, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. Then there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. Finally, there was a gentle breeze, and when Elijah heard it, he covered his face with his coat. He went out and stood at the entrance to the cave. The Lord asked, “Elijah, why are you here?” –1 Kings 19:11-13

  • Tasha

    Oh how I wish I could wrap my arms around you and just cry with you.My heart hurts.There really are not words for times like these.Just know that you are loved so much.Lifting you in prayer today and always.Audrey Caroline.Often on my mind,always and forever in my heart.
    ~Tasha in Indiana~

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • A&Z's Mom

    Angie,
    I think about you, your family, God’s work in you, all the time. I am glad that you are in His presence. That He alone will heal you, will sustain you, and make you whole.

  • Lisa

    {{{Angie}}} Reading your words continues to take me back in a big way. The morning after Kelli was born, we still had her with us for awhile before the funeral home came to get her. Two things stand out right now. One is that our youngest, who was 5 at the time, was holding Kelli. She looked up at me and said, “Kelli is dead, right mama?” I nodded. She looked at Kelli again, and then up at me and said, “She is with Jesus right?” “Yes honey.” “She isn’t coming back is she?” I told her that Kelli wasn’t coming back. As painful as that was then and is now, a good thing is that Hannah UNDERSTOOD.

    Man, so many memories come rushing back and I find that I could write and write and write, but won’t take up more space.

    Thinking of you all.

  • sumi

    Oh Angie…You always move me to tears, as my own memories come flooding back through your words.

    Dear, precious Kate, wanting to see her baby sister so badly…bless her sweet heart.

    Thanks for sharing about the funeral, and posting the pictures. I love the one with you and Todd with the wind in your hair. And where Todd kissed the casket. Why didn’t I give Jenna’s casket one last kiss? I was in such a fog…

    Your poat makes me want to write about Jenna’s funeral, and perhaps I will, in my next post.

    Blessings, sweet friend. My heart is with you.

    Sumi

  • TNS

    I could hardly read the story of your daughter wanting to see her baby sister. I’m so sorry.

  • Huddle Girls

    Oh Angie, if you only knew how much your words speak to my soul. We are both living our lives filled with grief right now and it is just so exhausting. We actually just ordered Gavin’s headstone yesterday. I am glad that Audrey has hers now.

    Thank you for sharing your memories and feelings from the day of Audrey’s service. The most distinct memory that I have from the day that we buried Gavin is the warmth of the sun shining down on my face. I can remember lifting my face up so I could feel it wash over me. I am so sorry you are struggling right now. Just remember, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” Praying for you and your family.

    Blessings,
    Amanda

  • The Scott Household <i>(one of many!)</i>

    Tears fill my eyes as my heart aches for you and your family.

    We,too, lost our babies. And I understand your pain and heartache and anger.

    I pray that you feel His peace and are comforted as you go on.

  • Shelley

    You are in my prayers. My heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing the deepest parts of yourself with others. Your ministry is working.

  • cookfam

    Beautiful pictures! You all are in our prayers! I’ve kept up with your journey since your beautiful tribute on you tube for Audrey. Love the song – it’s so fitting for such a beautiful angel! God Bless! The Cook Family, GA

  • Dallas and Amylee

    Since I am sure you will not happen upon my blog, I thought I would post here how you touched me the other day:

    There is a blog that I read faithfully. I am not typically someone that would read some random person’s blog, but I feel connected to this person (as I’m sure all of her readers do). Her name is Angie. She is probably the most incredible woman I have ever had the privilege to know. I really feel that way- like she is an old friend. I know one day I will meet her. Whenever I am having a bad day, I read, and it seems like my world shifts back into perspective. Today this is what I read:

    “I have spent a lot of time crying in the last few days, and I would love to ask for your prayers. I know that this season (and many more to come) will have peaks and valleys. It’s just that when you are in the valley, you feel like you won’t ever come out. I think one of Satan’s greatest schemes is making us feel hopeless because we don’t have the strength to climb again. He doesn’t want us to believe that God is our rescuer, that He can carry us. He wants us to feel like God doesn’t see us, doesn’t know how weak we are. He wants us to believe that our Father has left us, cold and without comfort. No flowers, no blanket, no parent. Just the night sky and the sound of silence. I know it isn’t true, but I want to say it because I’m sure there are others who feel this way, and I want you to know that I understand.”

    As I read this I began to cry, and my little Will was sitting so impatiently on my lap trying to reach the computer buttons. He turned around and looked at my face and said “mess”. In that moment I just grabbed him and didn’t want to let go. He just let me hold him for a few minutes. I feel like I can do anything with him. My perspective is back.

    Thank you, Angie. I wish I could carry you as you have carried me.

    Love your dear friend,
    Amylee

  • April

    I have tears streaming down my cheeks. What a beautiful post. I pray that God will continue to meet you exactly where you are.
    You are teaching your girls such beautiful truths!! One day they will understand and thank you for the grace you have shown.

  • Jennifer

    Thank you for allowing me to hurt, rejoice, cry, heal, love, and be still with you!

  • Leeann

    Thank you for sharing these photos. I don’t comment often, only once before. But Im totally moved by your story, by your lives. Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter. Praying for you always.

  • Stephanie

    Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
    I thought of you this morning before I read this post when I was having my quiet time in Isaiah 65.
    It is talking about the New Heavens and the New Earth…

    “Behold I will create new heavens and a new earth…Be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create…Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days…”

    The same chapter says

    “Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.”

    God has given you such a platform for the gospel. You are truly a beautiful poima (workmanship). Ephesians 2:10

    May He richly bless you and your ministry and give you “treasures in darkness and riches stored in secret places” (Isaiah 45:3) like only He can.

  • Beth

    I probably should have saved reading when I was at home instead of at work. I am in tears! Thank you for sharing this and the pictures. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

  • The Harper Family

    I come to this blog several times a week just wanting to know more about these special friends I have and cherish. I have been following your story from almost the beginning of this blog and I feel so connected to you all through Jesus Christ. I want you to know that I continue to pray for you and your family. Thank you so much Angie for this blog and the way it ministers to others.

    Thank you so much for sharing the pictures today. I especially love the one of your hair blowing..it looks like Todd is praising Jesus even in the midst of the storm. What an awesome picture.

    Love from Arkansas,
    Lori

  • Sarah

    Please never stop telling Audrey’s story.
    I don’t think you can ever fathom what an inspiration you are to so many, Angie.
    You are such a sweet, sweet spirit.
    Praying for you.

  • Cindi

    Angie, Thank you for sharing this with us. I am touched and moved to tears every day when I visit your blog. I cannot express in words how you have imprinted my heart with the longing to know the Lord more fully and trust him as you do. I hope to one day meet you and give you the biggest hug in the world! I have been a christian for the majority of my life and have been struggling lately seeing past the hypocrisy. Thanks for “keeping it real” and sharing how you truly feel. Thank you for teaching me daily that pain is inevitable….but the Lord’s grace is sufficient to see us through it.

  • spanky

    I lived in Hawaii for a while and whie there went with a woman who wanted to talk dotry as they call it. When they tell you about the history of their fanily, (usually includes the entire town) and one thing that I noticed when I was there was that there was some sort of light at each grave site. young and many too many young. I believe that it was said that the light was to help them find their was as well as a reminder to us that no matter how short lived their light remains. Like I said I m not sure how true this is but I hope it helps.
    Kim

  • connorcolesmom

    I sit here with tears as I think about the moments you will not share with your Audrey
    I thank you for your heart and honesty
    May God continue to comfort you and bring you peace
    God bless
    Kim

  • Shawnda

    I look through all the comments and realize there’s nothing more for me to offer….but I want you to know we pray for you and “Luke’s mommy and daddy” everyday! Your words draw us into your moments so vividly, and I am often overcome w/ emotion for you and your precious family! We continue to weep with you….in love….and bring you to Jesus with hope because He is faithful.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Anna & the boys

    Your posts are so moving and spirit filled. I have been reading and rereading them for a few weeks. I can’t imagine your pain but your hope in our God is amazing. I pray for your family.

  • Sarah

    I have been reading your blog for awhile, but have never commented. I don’t feel that I have the words to express how sorry I am for what you are going through. All I can say is that God is using you in a powerful way, without you even trying! You inspire me to treasure every moment with my baby girl. I pray that God continues to work in your life in a very powerful way. You are ministering to so many people and bringing God so much glory.

  • Hope

    My prayers are with you during this time. I too have had that experience though mine was a few years after Jael’s death. We have tried very hard to teach our other children that they have an older sister, so we make annual Happy Birthday trips to the cemetery with balloons and flowers. They always think they are going to get to see Jael and give her the balloons. Sometimes we bring helium ones and let them go so that they can “give them to her”. Our oldest is now 5 and finally starting to grasp the concept. Many a great conversation about Jesus has happened to and from those visits. Your pictures from the memorial are beautiful. What a treasure to have them!

  • Brittanie

    It takes your breath away sometimes, it’s so sharp. And then for days you’re in a numb fog simply because you can’t survive feeling the pain any longer. I know both those feelings. Soon, you’ll learn to live with the pain, so you won’t need the fog anymore. You’ll still have those sharp days…but in a way it’s a comfort. A reminder that you’re not forgetting.

    I wanted to share a poem with you, but it’s an image and it won’t let me post it. The link is http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v493/siproetastelenes/8.jpg

    Did you know that October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day? The website is http://www.october15th.com/ and they have a memorial wall. My Cora is on there. You should put Erin there.

  • created2teach

    Bear ye one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. I see the Word being lived here. Readers identify themselves and ache with you, whether we have shared similar experiences or not. I went through many adoption prospects before adoption happened for my home. One in particular felt like a death in our family when birthmom changed her mind.

    My sister had written a song about running to Jesus the week before. I had to cling to that for a while. That does not touch what you are going through, but Jesus knows. He will carry you — like your song.

  • The Abele Family

    I cry with you today and I feel pain for you. I am lifting you up in prayer in hopes that the Lord will heal your broken heart. “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

    In HIM,
    Tabitha

  • Stephanie

    Thank you for sharing this intimate moment. I’m sitting here crying, praying, thanking God for the precious gift of life, wanting to wake up my daughter from her nap and hold her oh-so-tight…

  • Fran

    Oh Angie…
    So much I want to say but the words aren’t here. Please know that you are an amazing inspiration to me. Praying for you daily.

    Hugs,
    Fran

  • RR Mama

    Theser are beautiful pictures. Thank you for sharing them with us. May God continue to give you peace and comfort.

    Praying for you.

  • Sugar Momma

    I am a faithful reader of your blog…I love the swiftness of your words and the depth of reality that you share. You have no idea how much your site ministers to me. I can not imagine the pain and heartache that you are walking through but I do love the same God you love and He is bigger than all of it…for all of us. Your photos always make me cry as do your words…they are sharp and tender at the same time…praying for you and your family.

  • Scrapper Mom

    I was just introduced to your blog…beautiful words, beautiful photographs. I am so sorry for your loss. God Bless you all.

  • eimear

    I am not a mom, in fact I am getting married in a few weeks but I have been reading your blog for a few months now and I wanted to say how sorry I am for your family’s loss. You write so beautifully and handle yourself with such dignity. May god bless you – I remember you in my prayers.x

  • Marla Taviano

    Thank you again for pouring your heart out for us. So compelling. So beautiful. Love you, friend! Praying for sweet comfort for your heart today.

  • Amy

    I’ve never commented before, but have been reading faithfully for sometime. The connection I feel to you and your family is one that I cannot explain. As I grieve the loss of a child that was to be born in just a few short weeks, I grieve for you even more. I visit your site almost daily to listen to the song “Glory.” I cannot tell you what a peace those words bring to me as I lift my voice up to Him and profess His name. You are all close to my heart, in my thoughts and in my prayers.

  • Jill

    Angie —thank you for continuing to share your story with us. still praying for you….

  • Carole

    Thank you so much for your transparency, Angie. I am sitting here with tears pouring down my face at your reminder of our God’s grace and love. Beautiful post.

  • melmietzner

    Touching and as always. Your pictures are beautiful. I love the one of all 5 of you around Audrey’s casket and of Todd kissing it. Precious and heartbreaking at the same time. Thank you for sharing such intimate, painful moments with us. I cry every time I come on your blog and read it. Know that you are in many prayers.

    Melissa

  • Courtney

    i couldn’t resist the nudging today i felt today to tell you I’d love to meet you, to be your friend.

    you probably get lots of these comments, but I couldn’t go on with my day if I didn’t tell you.

    i believe we live in the same area and I do have one small connection to you (Dr Fortunado).

    anyway, you can disregard the comment or make sure i’m not a crazy person :) by looking at my profile and blog. if you want a friend, I’d love to be yours.

    you are in my heart and prayers often! your faith and Audrey’s story strengthen my faith.

    Love,
    Courtney

  • Holly

    Oh Angie- my heart cries for you. Know that your words are heard and that your Audrey’s life does have weight. God Bless.

  • the donovan family

    thank you so much for sharing these pictures. praying for you…

  • The Rudd Family

    Father, I want to praise you right now for giving Audrey to us, and praise you for taking her to You for healing. You are the Almighty one! I ask You to wrap your ever-loving arms aroung this family, let them feel Your peace as they make their way through uncharted waters, sad and joyous days. I ask Your healing on their hearts. In Your most precious, holy, healing name, Amen!

    I want you to know that I think of you daily. I can’t wait to meet you. You have many friends in Texas.

    Julie

  • J.C.

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful pictures.

  • Hope Wilson

    My heart aches with you although I do not pretend to know the depth of grief that you are experiencing…thank you for continuing to share the beautiful & powerful story of your precious Audrey!

  • julie

    I did not find your blog until the end of April, but I have been praying for you and your family every day since then. My heart aches with you as I sit here with tears streaming down my face while I read your blog. I have wanted to post a comment many times before, but had no words. I still have no words except I am praying for you and your family. I thank your words of wisdom.

  • Shauna Leigh

    As soon as I saw those little bare feet, I began to weep. Tears for you, Audrey, your family, and the Chapmans. We were at the funeral for Maria then at CPA’s graduation the next day where the class of ’08 went bare-footed in the place where we had just 24 hours before, honored Maria. I found your blog not long before we lost Maria in that tragic accident. I feel like the Lord led me to you to prepare my heart for a loss to come. They are so different and yet…the lessons are the same. Thank you for sharing and teaching as I grieve with you for Audrey and now for Maria. May the lord heal you like he did Audrey.

  • Brandy

    May God continue to fill your heart with His love. Thank you for your story. You will continue to be in my prayers and thoughts

  • Misty

    Oh my, it is so real again today. The images and the pain I feel that I can’t catch my breath. I always knew and thought it to be a small coffin, until I actually saw the tiny thing. Devastating!! I cry as if she were mine.

    I wished Angie, I really do. I wish I could for a moment take some or all of your pain away just so you didn’t have to hurt for a moment. I pray often that GOD helps with that pain.

    You are so brave and you don’t have to but I appreciate you sharing once again. I think of you every day, that is true.

    If I were close I would be hugging you right now and i would cry with you. I am crying with you.

    I know we often send love to you, so today I want to send love to your husband. A father going through this too is heartbreaking. I send love to your daughters, their confusion and innocents of it all. I love your family, you have reach a special place in my life and I cherish all of you

    Misty

  • Tammy

    Words cannot be expressed for your grief from my heart to yours. But I am praying for you. I have only been coming here recently but you have touched my heart in such a beautiful way. I feel like an old friend stopping for tea and if I could I would make you cup and hold your hand as friends do. I want you to know you are a beautiful person and God will be your strength and hold you up and give you courage. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Janet

    You always seem to inspire me when I need it most. I lost a baby three days after you did. Thanks for continuing to share your story. You are helping people out there who are suffering through the same emotions and feelings. I’ve never commented before but was completely touched through your words. Isaiah 49:15-16

  • Kel

    I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Audrey and the loss of having all those sweet times with her that you have had and will have with your other daughters. My niece went home to Jesus when she was 11 days old after being born at 24 weeks. Holding her in her last few hours was one of the most precious and hardest things I have ever done. And after reading Psalm 139 at her memorial service, I have never been able to hear that passage again without thinking of her, many times with tears in my eyes. Even though her life was so short, my niece touched my whole family. There are many times I still think about how old she would be now and what she would be doing, especially since one of my children was born 4 months after my niece’s due date. It has been 6 years, but I still give a birthday card to my brother and sister-in-law on my niece’s birthday and I imagine I always will. We still talk about the cousin that will be waiting for us in heaven and what fun it must be for her to be with Jesus. I know it is so important to my brother and sister-in-law to not forget her, but to hold her in our hearts even though we can’t hold her in our arms.

    I suppose I’m sharing all this just to let you know that Audrey’s life was important and purpose-full, and others will remember and be touched by her. Thank you for sharing your emotions and being so honest.

  • Bmason

    Dearest Smiths,
    Know that you have been and continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your sweet words. May our Father bless you mightily as you bless others!
    Love and prayers,
    The Chattanooga Masons

  • Mom of three and two angels

    I can barely catch my breath to write this. I have been crying so hard…espically when I saw Todd kissing his baby. No daddy should ever have to do that, no mommy should ever have to hold her lifeless child, but we have. My heart hurts for you also. I will pray for peace for you (that passes all understanding). You are a blessing to so many that you will never even know about. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I will be forever changed.

  • Kristi

    Oh Angie, I am so sorry. This is all so unfair. I am crying for you, and your sweet Kate, and your precious family. I’m so glad God is making Himself real to you in tangible ways. I will pray that He slowly, gently, brings healing to your wounded heart. (((gentle hugs))) Gosh, what do you even say during a time like this. :-(

  • Kristi

    thank you for sharing your heart with us!! even though I’ve never experienced anything like what you mention personally-your story helps me through my own journey of depression – reminding me how amazing our Father is. thank you for your bravery. your family has become very dear to me!!

  • anrdraper1212

    Angie, I cannot even begin to fathom the grief you are experiencing, but God knows and loves your sweet spirit for asking Him for His love and grace to rain down on your family in this very difficult time. I love these verses from God’s Word:
    Amos 4:13 “He who forms the mountains, creates the wind, and reveals his thoughts to man, he who turns dawn to darkness, and treads the high places of the earth—the LORD God Almighty is his name.”
    John 3:8 “The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”
    I pray you find comfort and rest in His peace that passes all our human understanding as His Holy Spirit moves you into the power of His love and truth. The picture of you and Todd is an example of God’s presence in those moments of extreme heartache. He is with you in every single one of the emotions He has formed in you from the beginning of time. I pray He continues to reveal more of Himself to you. Keep writing!
    Love, Amy

  • Lisa

    Just simply, praying for you….

  • Amy

    She certainly had weight in this life and then next. I don’t think you’ll know until heaven all the lives that little one has touched. What a sweet, all too short blessing.

  • Mrs. D

    Hang in there honey. God is with you and He will hold you up. When I miss my baby Hazel I snuggle her little recieving blanket that she was wrapped in at the hospital. Each day we come a little further and each day it gets a little easier. The pictures of her service were breath-taking. The one of you hubby kissing her coffin… uggh my heart aches. We took video at my babies service… but now that I think of it everyone was in such shock that I’m not sure anyone took pictures. I will have to ask around to see if anyone has any. A little bit of freak out about missing that detail.. but all in all it is the memories that areingraved in our hearts. Even if the time was so short and our little babies are gone. I think about the fact that Heaven is all that they will ever know and that brings me comfort. The pain and greif seems for me to come in phases. I just came out of one phase that lasted a month because it was the 1 year mark of baby Hazel’s homegoing. I miss my baby so much. I have another daughter who seems to be the same age as Kate. Aly is just 2 1/2… She was 17 months when baby Hazel was born.. so she won’t have much if any memories of her being with us for that one day… but we do have so many pictures and I’m so glad for those for Aly to have to look at. Praying for you.

  • Beverly

    (((((Hugs))))

    I don’t know you, but I’ve been reading your blog regularly for a few months now. Your faith and strength amaze me, and your story has touched my heart in many ways. Please know that you are in my prayers.

  • Paula

    I’ve been reading your archives and am amazed. You are a woman who is strong in her faith. As someone who has never experienced a profound loss like your family, I am inspired by your love for God and your faithfulness. Thank you for sharing your walk, as painful as it may be, because it is making others like me, stronger. I pray when my time comes, when something unexpected happens in my life, I’ll be able to say “I do”. Even when I cannot see, I still believe.

  • Cole

    Life has been stressful for me lately and there’s not even a good reason for it. Just petty stuff that seems to come in cycles the older we get. Your thoughts help me keep the bigger picture in view and with your open heart we are all allowed a chance to open our a bit wider. I am sharing in your tears and I am keeping you in my prayers.

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • Jen & Her Crew

    My heart continues to break for your grief and loss of sweet Audrey here on Earth. My heart and soul continue to be molded by your faith in the Life Giver. Your story has helped me remember that a life, no matter how small and little, is important. I hope my 5 little angels get to meet your Audrey girl in Heaven. Until next time…

  • SelahV

    May God continue to add grace for every moment and fill your heart with the blessings of His perfect love and peace. selahV
    Another mother whose loss was heaven’s gain.

  • Abby

    I sit here and read your blog and get filled with tears. Thank you for sharing your story and for opening up. Reading what you write, strengthens my faith. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. I have a 4 month old daughter, I can’t even begin to process how you must be feeling. Thank you for sharing. I pray for you and your family daily.
    http://www.jayandabbylea.blogspot.com

  • Honea Household

    Angie -
    You are such a good writer and put things so eloquently and beautifully. And I want you to know that in the pictures from the burial, you and Todd look so peaceful. And I could almost feel the Holy Spirit as I looked at them. The coffin is tiny. So tiny. But you are right…she is healed and is perfect now. I can’t wait to meet her in Heaven. I hope my mansion is next door to yours. I love you dearly and have learned so much about trusting God from you. Thank you for being so transparent and open about your emotions and feelings.

    The story of Kate is so sweet. How precious that she thought she was going to actually see Audrey. She will one day! She is adorable.

  • Michelle Burrill

    Hi Angie, thank you for sharing so honestly and purely. I am aching for you and your loss. The pictures are beautiful and so touching.
    I wanted to share with you that I resonate with what your precious Kate experienced at the cemetary. I remember when I was 3, and my own baby sister died, and we were going to the funeral home to see her one last time, and I didn’t understand why we couldn’t take her home with us, and in that moment of realizing it was the last time I’d ever see her…I remember that moment of realization with startling clarity. So I pray for your little Kate, for her own grief and healing process. You are such a great mother to recognize it and let her grieve her own way. Beth Moore talks about when God brings something full circle in our lives, in the bible study “believing God.” When my own 2nd baby girl was born healthy and whole and I now was going to get to raise 2 girls of my own, it felt like God was bringing the loss of having to lose my own sister full circle for me. It was one of those times when, as Beth Moore says, “God (was) better than he has to be.” I’m still speechless, that he would choose to bless me in this way after my own loss. So I pray that Kate will always feel close to the Lord,(And I did always feel him close, even as a child) I can tell you that He was THERE all the time. Praying for you all, and espescially your little Kate today. Love, Michelle in California

  • Jennie Bender

    I just want you to know, I am praying for you and your family. We have been here–truly, we have, in the place you are now. I want you to know, God has brought us to a “‘new here’”–forever changed, forever thinking of our sweet baby, and forever with our hearts and eyes set on eternity. He will take you through. We are happy again, a different happy, but we are happy. God will help you today, and there is hope for a good tomorrow. He is taking you there, I promise.

    The Lord is ever with you, Angie, He says, “Be of good cheer, it is I, be not afraid.” (Matt. 14:27)

    God chose little Audrey for you (just as he chose Elaine for me), if for nothing else, to show your sweet girls your faith and fear in God.

    She was your destiny. I would never have any of those hard days that bring tears erased. She is my story. She is my heart. She is my daughter. She broke me so the Lord can better use me for His glory.

    So weep dear friend, and know God is with you. Remember those priceless moments with her, her tiny hands, funny toes, and sweet face. My mother would always speak so tenderly of my Elaine when my heart was so hurt, angry, broken, lost,and confused. Her words would always bring me back to fresh, sweet tears when she reminded me how good God had been to us.

    It has taken two years for me, not so long for my Shane (my husband), it is a hard journey. Be patient with yourself. I am sorry you are traveling through this storm. Much love and prayers for you and yours.

    Jennie Bender
    p.s. My mother told me a helpful thing. She said, “Sabrina will react to God the way you do. Whatever you tell her is what she will believe for the rest of her life about her God. How she sees you behave is how she will behave.”

    That really helped me. I want her to love my God and give her heart to Him one day. We had many long conversations about Elaine (Sabrina was almost three when she died). She still talks about her.

    It took her a long time to understand death. Funny thing was, God gave us a “dead bug” (truly=)!!!–in her room.

    She could not understand why we weren’t getting a baby anymore. So right after we had a discussion about Elaine, showed her pictures of Daddy holding Elaine with me, she found a dead bug. She screamed so loudly! I told her it didn’t move anymore, and from then on she understood. She was fine. We did take the bug and flush it down the potty. She asked me “Do dead bugs live in the potty?” I thought, “NO! Now she will think some bazaar thought about the baby=)” But she didn’t. That was the end of it. She understood death. Funny isn’t it? You have to laugh sometimes…you just have to=) Thank you God for dead bugs=, thank you for helping my sweet girl understand hard things.

    So now she is satisfied when we tell her, “Elaine was very sick. And Jesus took her away to make her better. Now she is in Heaven.” That is enough for her.
    That is what she believes about her baby, because we believe it, too.

    We haven’t had one talk but many. You are on the right path because you are so open with your heart. They will say many things that will break your heart because of their profound truth.
    Children are amazing and resilient. We can learn so much from their lips, sweet babies.

  • Alex

    I don’t know how to thank you for sharing even more of your story… What an amazing one it is. I’m still praying for you and your beautiful family. God bless…
    -Alex

  • RSR2003

    I cry with you Angie…..

    May you continue to feel Him and His love through these difficult times…when you are overcome again and again with grief. Just when you think you’ve survived the last wave, another one comes up over your head and you can hardly breath again…I pray for youin these times that you cling to the cross…and that you feel His love even when you are numb and that is theonly thingthat makes sense.

    Love in Jesus to you Angie (and your family),
    Rosie S.
    IL

  • Aliya

    Angie,

    I must admit I have been a stalker for quite a while. You are such an inspiration to me. I have never walked the road you are walking. I pray for you daily and your blog is the first one I check everyday. I have a little cousin who is in Heaven with Audrey. His name is Marshall and his parents were are wonderful in your prayer of prayers please say one for them they are trying again. I am sure Marshall and Audrey are up there playing and living it up. I look forward to your posts. You, Todd and the girls are absolutely precious. Much love and prayers. Aliya

  • jules

    I wondered about the light placed at Audrey’s grave. I remember thinking what a great idea it was. How wonderful that it was a gift from someone unknown.

    Beautiful pictures.

  • Jacquie

    I can only imagine your pain… you share your heart so beautifully that it feels like I’m right there with you. I continue to pray for you during your grief. You have the true heart of a mother.

  • Leonard Family

    Tears are streaming down my face and my heart aches for you!! Thank-you so much for sharing your story! I know you are making a difference in many lives! Aubrey’s legacy lives on. You’re in my prayers! Those are gorgeous pictures!

  • mrsbroccoliguy

    I love the symbolism of the band-aids on the bear, what a wonderful way to show your daughters that their sister is whole and healed in heaven.

    I don’t comment often, but I am always reading and in my prayer times your face often comes to mind and so I pray for you and for your family. Even in your darkest hours, your blog has been such a light for me, reminding me what a personal God we have and how much I need to be in the word every day. That amazes me – that you can shine His light, even when circumstances are so dark.

  • Kristen

    I’ve read your story and and wanted say I am so glad you are allowing God to use you and the memory of your little one in such a huge way. I can see by these comments, how many people who have gone/ are going through experienced similar to yours are being encouraged and uplifted!
    You are such a strong woman and an awesome example of God’s mercy and grace.
    Thank you for sharing with an open heart! You are an encouragement to me!!
    Praying for you and your precious family!

  • CPT Mom

    I read this today after spending my morning at the cemetary celebrating what would have been my nephew’s first birthday.

    Thanks for being so real.

    Continuing to lift you an your family up.

  • Sara

    Wow. That was so touching and thank you for sharing. The thought of Kate thinking she was going to “see” Audrey just makes me cry. I know you have really been having a difficult time of late and I have been thinking of you often. Praying for you and your family. I do know how hard it is. Like you said, the books say that our grieving process is normal. But it is so far from normal, isn’t it?

  • vaneblu

    I cant stop crying, God has special ways to show Himself… thank you for sharing!

  • Ter

    I have tears in my eyes as I read your words and feel your pain. In addition, my own pain comes forth as I remember my daughter who died 3 years ago this month. (you can read her story at my blog, I’ve been reliving the days up to her death over the last few weeks, so there are several posts leading up to it) We didn’t have a funeral for her, but we had a memorial in our back yard. We didn’t know how if we should plan one, and now I wish we had. But I’m glad we had the memorial.

    the photos are beautiful, and I’m so glad you have them, even if they are of a very sad occasion.

    ((many hugs))

  • auntmommie

    Dear, Dear Angie,
    I have prayed, since you’d asked, that our Lord would let this Nana help to carry your grief. I don’t at all know if your precious family’s weight of pain has felt lightened, I do know that my heart stays heavy for you, and many of us weep with you and your family.

    Thank you for sharing your journey so transparently with us. Thank you for your ministry to all of us. I know whate’er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well.

    Sandi, San Antonio

  • Vicky

    Angie you are an amazing woman. I admire your faith and your strength so much. Thank you, again, for sharing your story and your life with us.

    The story of Kate was beautiful. What a precious big sister.

  • Erin

    You have once again touched my heart and my life-I continue to pray for you and your family, my heart aches for all you are carrying.

  • Mattam

    My heart aches with you!

  • Angie

    Angie,
    Thanks for sharing your story with me. Your faith and belief in God is such an inspiration to me.
    I am praying everyday for your beautiful family.
    Angie E.

  • KK

    Sweet Angie, God will continue to hold you with His tender touch, knowing you continue ‘carrying’ Him into the lives of so many others, with your love for Him and your trust in Him.
    When I first read about Kate’s thoughts, the first thing that came to mind was; “Out of the ‘minds’ of babes”. We never know what is going on in their little minds, but knowing she was there with you was a very special time for the three of you, that I know you will never forget. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, as we continue to lift you and your family up in prayer, without ceasing.
    With His Everlasting Love always,
    Kaye

  • Maddy

    It made me gasp too. Memories of my baby niece’s funeral came flooding back. She died when she was 3 days old due to a congenital heart defect. Reagan had had surgery and it was termed a success. Our entire family took a deep breath of thanks. 24 hours later she had died. At her funeral, the coffin was so tiny and white. My sister was in a chair in front of me. I had my hands on her shoulders. I could hear and feel her sobbing. I don’t think of it often, but your pictures, your words…brought it all rushing back. I’m so sorry you have had to endure any of this. She should be rolling over and smiling at all of you. I’m so so sorry. She had weight indeed, no matter how tiny. God Bless you all.
    Maddy

  • Jessica

    My eyes are filled with tears and my heart aches for you. Thanks for being so honest and open. I am praying for you and your family. God bless!

  • noahandlylasmommi

    Thank you so much for sharing those photos and being honest about what you are feeling. It is good to know I am not abnormal for feeling as much sadness as I am. You and Audrey are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I check the blog daily and your entries make my day! Thank you so much for having the courage to share this wonderful story with us.

  • Anothermadhousewife

    Angie, I sobbed (and am still blowing my nose here), when I read about little Kate, thinking she was going to see her baby sister. I know the literal mind of inquisitive toddlers. And I’m praying for healing in all of your hearts. Thanks for continuing to share your journey with us so honestly. Much Love, Erika

  • Laura

    Your blog tonight just spoke to my heart. Your openess and just sharing your heart is so wonderful. I think of you often and pray for you and your family.
    We may not know each other but the unity in him we do.
    Still praying.
    Laura

  • Joan Crowder

    Angie,
    Bless your heart. What a day you girls had. It will get better. It may be months or years but you will make it through this time in your life. You will always want Audrey and miss her because 14 years later I still miss my Mason and his baby brother cries for him and the fact that he didn’t get to know his big brother. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. You all have been through alot. God Bless You!!

  • Kels & the boys

    Angie,
    You will never know how much your words and Audrey’s story has meant to so many of us! You mentioned that this blog is like therapy for you. Well, your blog is like therapy for me too! It has been 4 years since the day we said goodbye and kissed our little girl for the last time. I only wish I could have read your blog every day while I was going through the raw and indescribable pain of losing her! So many things that you are feeling and have shared with us, are the exact feelings and emotions we went through too. You have beautifully expressed what so many of us have felt and are still feeling! You are a gift from God, Angie! My heart aches for you, and for every parent out there that is longing for their little one that they can’t hold any more. Some day we WILL hold, and cuddle, and kiss them again! I promise you, it WILL get easier! With time, many nights of crying yourself to sleep, and the perfect and healing grace of God, it will get easier. Some day, maybe farther down the road, you’ll actually be able to make it through the day without crying. I’ve never met you, but I love you. I love your sweet and beautiful family, and I love the way you have shared your heart and your sweet Audrey Caroline with us.
    From another mommy of a sweet little girl in Heaven,
    kelsey lott

  • Kels & the boys

    Angie,
    You will never know how much your words and Audrey’s story has meant to so many of us! You mentioned that this blog is like therapy for you. Well, your blog is like therapy for me too! It has been 4 years since the day we said goodbye and kissed our little girl for the last time. I only wish I could have read your blog every day while I was going through the raw and indescribable pain of losing her! So many things that you are feeling and have shared with us, are the exact feelings and emotions we went through too. You have beautifully expressed what so many of us have felt and are still feeling! You are a gift from God, Angie! My heart aches for you, and for every parent out there that is longing for their little one that they can’t hold any more. Some day we WILL hold, and cuddle, and kiss them again! I promise you, it WILL get easier! With time, many nights of crying yourself to sleep, and the perfect and healing grace of God, it will get easier. Some day, maybe farther down the road, you’ll actually be able to make it through the day without crying. I’ve never met you, but I love you. I love your sweet and beautiful family, and I love the way you have shared your heart and your sweet Audrey Caroline with us.
    From another mommy of a sweet little girl in Heaven,
    kelsey lott

  • Kels & the boys

    Angie,
    You will never know how much your words and Audrey’s story has meant to so many of us! You mentioned that this blog is like therapy for you. Well, your blog is like therapy for me too! It has been 4 years since the day we said goodbye and kissed our little girl for the last time. I only wish I could have read your blog every day while I was going through the raw and indescribable pain of losing her! So many things that you are feeling and have shared with us, are the exact feelings and emotions we went through too. You have beautifully expressed what so many of us have felt and are still feeling! You are a gift from God, Angie! My heart aches for you, and for every parent out there that is longing for their little one that they can’t hold any more. Some day we WILL hold, and cuddle, and kiss them again! I promise you, it WILL get easier! With time, many nights of crying yourself to sleep, and the perfect and healing grace of God, it will get easier. Some day, maybe farther down the road, you’ll actually be able to make it through the day without crying. I’ve never met you, but I love you. I love your sweet and beautiful family, and I love the way you have shared your heart and your sweet Audrey Caroline with us.
    From another mommy of a sweet little girl in Heaven,
    kelsey lott

  • Kels & the boys

    Angie,
    You will never know how much your words and Audrey’s story has meant to so many of us! You mentioned that this blog is like therapy for you. Well, your blog is like therapy for me too! It has been 4 years since the day we said goodbye and kissed our little girl for the last time. I only wish I could have read your blog every day while I was going through the raw and indescribable pain of losing her! So many things that you are feeling and have shared with us, are the exact feelings and emotions we went through too. You have beautifully expressed what so many of us have felt and are still feeling! You are a gift from God, Angie! My heart aches for you, and for every parent out there that is longing for their little one that they can’t hold any more. Some day we WILL hold, and cuddle, and kiss them again! I promise you, it WILL get easier! With time, many nights of crying yourself to sleep, and the perfect and healing grace of God, it will get easier. Some day, maybe farther down the road, you’ll actually be able to make it through the day without crying. I’ve never met you, but I love you. I love your sweet and beautiful family, and I love the way you have shared your heart and your sweet Audrey Caroline with us.
    From another mommy of a sweet little girl in Heaven,
    kelsey lott

  • Kels & the boys

    Angie,
    You will never know how much your words and Audrey’s story has meant to so many of us! You mentioned that this blog is like therapy for you. Well, your blog is like therapy for me too! It has been 4 years since the day we said goodbye and kissed our little girl for the last time. I only wish I could have read your blog every day while I was going through the raw and indescribable pain of losing her! So many things that you are feeling and have shared with us, are the exact feelings and emotions we went through too. You have beautifully expressed what so many of us have felt and are still feeling! You are a gift from God, Angie! My heart aches for you, and for every parent out there that is longing for their little one that they can’t hold any more. Some day we WILL hold, and cuddle, and kiss them again! I promise you, it WILL get easier! With time, many nights of crying yourself to sleep, and the perfect and healing grace of God, it will get easier. Some day, maybe farther down the road, you’ll actually be able to make it through the day without crying. I’ve never met you, but I love you. I love your sweet and beautiful family, and I love the way you have shared your heart and your sweet Audrey Caroline with us.
    From another mommy of a sweet little girl in Heaven,
    kelsey lott

  • Kels & the boys

    Angie,
    You will never know how much your words and Audrey’s story has meant to so many of us! You mentioned that this blog is like therapy for you. Well, your blog is like therapy for me too! It has been 4 years since the day we said goodbye and kissed our little girl for the last time. I only wish I could have read your blog every day while I was going through the raw and indescribable pain of losing her! So many things that you are feeling and have shared with us, are the exact feelings and emotions we went through too. You have beautifully expressed what so many of us have felt and are still feeling! You are a gift from God, Angie! My heart aches for you, and for every parent out there that is longing for their little one that they can’t hold any more. Some day we WILL hold, and cuddle, and kiss them again! I promise you, it WILL get easier! With time, many nights of crying yourself to sleep, and the perfect and healing grace of God, it will get easier. Some day, maybe farther down the road, you’ll actually be able to make it through the day without crying. I’ve never met you, but I love you. I love your sweet and beautiful family, and I love the way you have shared your heart and your sweet Audrey Caroline with us.
    From another mommy of a sweet little girl in Heaven,
    kelsey lott

  • Kels & the boys

    Angie,
    You will never know how much your words and Audrey’s story has meant to so many of us! You mentioned that this blog is like therapy for you. Well, your blog is like therapy for me too! It has been 4 years since the day we said goodbye and kissed our little girl for the last time. I only wish I could have read your blog every day while I was going through the raw and indescribable pain of losing her! So many things that you are feeling and have shared with us, are the exact feelings and emotions we went through too. You have beautifully expressed what so many of us have felt and are still feeling! You are a gift from God, Angie! My heart aches for you, and for every parent out there that is longing for their little one that they can’t hold any more. Some day we WILL hold, and cuddle, and kiss them again! I promise you, it WILL get easier! With time, many nights of crying yourself to sleep, and the perfect and healing grace of God, it will get easier. Some day, maybe farther down the road, you’ll actually be able to make it through the day without crying. I’ve never met you, but I love you. I love your sweet and beautiful family, and I love the way you have shared your heart and your sweet Audrey Caroline with us.
    From another mommy of a sweet little girl in Heaven,
    kelsey lott

  • Kels & the boys

    Angie,
    You will never know how much your words and Audrey’s story has meant to so many of us! You mentioned that this blog is like therapy for you. Well, your blog is like therapy for me too! It has been 4 years since the day we said goodbye and kissed our little girl for the last time. I only wish I could have read your blog every day while I was going through the raw and indescribable pain of losing her! So many things that you are feeling and have shared with us, are the exact feelings and emotions we went through too. You have beautifully expressed what so many of us have felt and are still feeling! You are a gift from God, Angie! My heart aches for you, and for every parent out there that is longing for their little one that they can’t hold any more. Some day we WILL hold, and cuddle, and kiss them again! I promise you, it WILL get easier! With time, many nights of crying yourself to sleep, and the perfect and healing grace of God, it will get easier. Some day, maybe farther down the road, you’ll actually be able to make it through the day without crying. I’ve never met you, but I love you. I love your sweet and beautiful family, and I love the way you have shared your heart and your sweet Audrey Caroline with us.
    From another mommy of a sweet little girl in Heaven,
    kelsey lott

  • Kels & the boys

    Angie,
    You will never know how much your words and Audrey’s story has meant to so many of us! You mentioned that this blog is like therapy for you. Well, your blog is like therapy for me too! It has been 4 years since the day we said goodbye and kissed our little girl for the last time. I only wish I could have read your blog every day while I was going through the raw and indescribable pain of losing her! So many things that you are feeling and have shared with us, are the exact feelings and emotions we went through too. You have beautifully expressed what so many of us have felt and are still feeling! You are a gift from God, Angie! My heart aches for you, and for every parent out there that is longing for their little one that they can’t hold any more. Some day we WILL hold, and cuddle, and kiss them again! I promise you, it WILL get easier! With time, many nights of crying yourself to sleep, and the perfect and healing grace of God, it will get easier. Some day, maybe farther down the road, you’ll actually be able to make it through the day without crying. I’ve never met you, but I love you. I love your sweet and beautiful family, and I love the way you have shared your heart and your sweet Audrey Caroline with us.
    From another mommy of a sweet little girl in Heaven,
    kelsey lott

  • Kels & the boys

    Angie,
    You will never know how much your words and Audrey’s story has meant to so many of us! You mentioned that this blog is like therapy for you. Well, your blog is like therapy for me too! It has been 4 years since the day we said goodbye and kissed our little girl for the last time. I only wish I could have read your blog every day while I was going through the raw and indescribable pain of losing her! So many things that you are feeling and have shared with us, are the exact feelings and emotions we went through too. You have beautifully expressed what so many of us have felt and are still feeling! You are a gift from God, Angie! My heart aches for you, and for every parent out there that is longing for their little one that they can’t hold any more. Some day we WILL hold, and cuddle, and kiss them again! I promise you, it WILL get easier! With time, many nights of crying yourself to sleep, and the perfect and healing grace of God, it will get easier. Some day, maybe farther down the road, you’ll actually be able to make it through the day without crying. I’ve never met you, but I love you. I love your sweet and beautiful family, and I love the way you have shared your heart and your sweet Audrey Caroline with us.
    From another mommy of a sweet little girl in Heaven,
    kelsey lott

  • Kels & the boys

    Angie,
    You will never know how much your words and Audrey’s story has meant to so many of us! You mentioned that this blog is like therapy for you. Well, your blog is like therapy for me too! It has been 4 years since the day we said goodbye and kissed our little girl for the last time. I only wish I could have read your blog every day while I was going through the raw and indescribable pain of losing her! So many things that you are feeling and have shared with us, are the exact feelings and emotions we went through too. You have beautifully expressed what so many of us have felt and are still feeling! You are a gift from God, Angie! My heart aches for you, and for every parent out there that is longing for their little one that they can’t hold any more. Some day we WILL hold, and cuddle, and kiss them again! I promise you, it WILL get easier! With time, many nights of crying yourself to sleep, and the perfect and healing grace of God, it will get easier. Some day, maybe farther down the road, you’ll actually be able to make it through the day without crying. I’ve never met you, but I love you. I love your sweet and beautiful family, and I love the way you have shared your heart and your sweet Audrey Caroline with us.
    From another mommy of a sweet little girl in Heaven,
    kelsey lott

  • Kels & the boys

    Angie,
    You will never know how much your words and Audrey’s story has meant to so many of us! You mentioned that this blog is like therapy for you. Well, your blog is like therapy for me too! It has been 4 years since the day we said goodbye and kissed our little girl for the last time. I only wish I could have read your blog every day while I was going through the raw and indescribable pain of losing her! So many things that you are feeling and have shared with us, are the exact feelings and emotions we went through too. You have beautifully expressed what so many of us have felt and are still feeling! You are a gift from God, Angie! My heart aches for you, and for every parent out there that is longing for their little one that they can’t hold any more. Some day we WILL hold, and cuddle, and kiss them again! I promise you, it WILL get easier! With time, many nights of crying yourself to sleep, and the perfect and healing grace of God, it will get easier. Some day, maybe farther down the road, you’ll actually be able to make it through the day without crying. I’ve never met you, but I love you. I love your sweet and beautiful family, and I love the way you have shared your heart and your sweet Audrey Caroline with us.
    From another mommy of a sweet little girl in Heaven,
    kelsey lott

  • Sue

    Angie,

    Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and especially the pictures with all of us. I have prayed for you and your family everyday for the last 3 months and even before that. I will continue to pray.

    Sue

  • Andrea

    Oh, Angie – thanks for sharing this. Beautiful words to match the pictures. I am still amazed at your strength!!

  • Elmwood

    I don’t comment often, but find myself reading the same entry, two three four times over again as I just can not wrap my brain around what you have been through and how you continue to stay so strong and so beautiful both inside & out as well. You are such an inspiration to us all

    The pictures say so much.
    My heart breaks for you.

  • Eva Foster

    Words can not explain what my heart feels after reading your blog tonight. The pictures, my the pictures. I am humbled each time I read your blog. You and your beautiful family amaze me. Peace be with you.

  • Leah

    Angie,
    You are always in my thoughts and prayers…I cannot begin to imagine your loss. I do know that our Lord is sufficient. He will carry you and keep you.

    The marker is just beautiful. The photos, they need no words. They speak for themselves.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. You are such an inspriration. I feel honored to come along with you on this journey.

    Much love,
    Leah

  • queenoftheclick

    I come to your blog all of the time. Your family’s story brings many people here. We cry with you and sometimes laugh too. Tonight, tears just pour down my face.

    I read over your words about y our niece and newphew “they chose words that ministered to me greatly.” You are ministering to all of us. God knows how strong your faith in Him is and has choosen you to minister to people from all over. Thank you for bringing me closer to Him.

    You and your family are in my prayers all of the time. I often just pray that you and Tim’s relationship gets stronger through all of this.

  • Jenny

    Thank you for sharing this with us, Angie. Still praying for you.

  • Bethany

    Hi Angie,
    I know you are with Jessica now waiting for Elias- I just said a prayer for a safe and healthy delivery!

    I, like so many others, have been following your blog for months now but have never posted…

    I think of you and pray for you so often. My first baby, Charlie Alexander was born April 9th of this year, just two days after Audrey. I also had a C-section. I have remembered and prayed for you so often as I was recovering from my surgery the same time you were, and remembered you when I was so tired and in so much pain, knowing that you also were going through that but did not have your precious baby to hold.

    I saw someone else posted that they are a better mother because of Audrey and I wanted you to know that I am too. You have a gift with words and you have shared Audrey’s story in a way that I will NEVER forget and that has and will change my life forever. Thank you for allowing the Lord to speak through you in this way. Know that I often think of Audrey when I look at Charlie. You are in my prayers… thank you for continuing to use your gift…

    Bethany Dufilho
    Willis, TX

  • Liz

    Oh Angie…Your words are so simple, yet so profound. How deeply your sweet Audrey touched all of us, and the ministry of her brief life touches us all every time you share from your heart. Thank you for including all of us in this precious journey through the valleys & mountaintops of grief & healing. I’ve cried with you along the way, and I’m crying now. I’ve laughed with you, nodded my head in agreement with you, smiled in pride for the faith you’re standing on that I lean on myself. You’re an amazing woman & I’m so proud to “know” you. I realize it’s likely that we’ll never actually cross paths, but if you ever find yourself in Whitehouse, TX, look me up. If for nothing else than a hug from a friend who is honored to share this path with you.

  • Lisa

    What a beautiful treasure those pictures are. Thank you for sharing them with us. Oh how I wish I had some from my Mother’s. People don’t usually think about taking them, but you will be happy that you have them. The one of your husband kissing her one last time will not leave my mind for a long time. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family. Audrey Caroline Smith will not be forgotten.

  • Jill

    Angie,

    Wow! The pictures say so much. Tom did an amazing job!

    Your story with Kate is beautiful and shows the heart of a child. The heart that God so desperatly wants from us – just come believing I’m here. She didn’t even think to ask if Audrey would be there because that is what she believed in your words – literally.

    Oh Lord, thank You for using this sweet innocent child to show us how to come to You. Believing with all that we are that You ARE there!

    You, Todd and the girls remain in our prayer Angie. Your words are so touching and real. The ache you feel comes through and today I hope our prayers carry you each step through the pain. I pray that holding little Elias Jude filled you up with joy! I pray it did not leaving you aching more.

    Lifting you up before Him that knows you by name and formed you perfectly and wonderfully in your mothers womb!

    Love,
    Jill
    http://www.forevernevernalways1.blogspot.com

  • Kim

    Those pictures are breathtaking.

    Praying for you.

  • Marcy

    I love how your little girls wore white that day.

    I’m also glad that your little Kate could be there with you and share such a special time with her mommy!

    Praying you’ll have a blessed week!

  • KC Sister

    I feel like the words you write are coming right out of my heart too. It’s been 5 weeks since my little Logan died of SIDS at 7 1/2 months of age. I have been in a fog. People asked me how I am feeling and I have no words. I am going to direct them to your blog–because so many times, I read your blog and say–I feel the exact same way!! Your faith has also helped me–guiding me on places to read and seek comfort. Love you!

  • Scott, Rebecca, Wyatt & Annabelle

    Beautiful and worthy of praise…

    His strength is seen through you in moments like these.

    Love~ Rebecca

    ~I, too, lost it when I was shown Annabelle’s choices for her “new bed”. They should never be made that small. Her’s ties with a bow…and I will never forget doing that for her. Audrey’s “new bed” is beautiful and simple and fits her so well.

  • Scott, Rebecca, Wyatt & Annabelle

    Beautiful and worthy of praise…

    His strength is seen through you in moments like these.

    Love~ Rebecca

    ~I, too, lost it when I was shown Annabelle’s choices for her “new bed”. They should never be made that small. Her’s ties with a bow…and I will never forget doing that for her. Audrey’s “new bed” is beautiful and simple and fits her so well.

  • Scott, Rebecca, Wyatt & Annabelle

    Beautiful and worthy of praise…

    His strength is seen through you in moments like these.

    Love~ Rebecca

    ~I, too, lost it when I was shown Annabelle’s choices for her “new bed”. They should never be made that small. Her’s ties with a bow…and I will never forget doing that for her. Audrey’s “new bed” is beautiful and simple and fits her so well.

  • Scott, Rebecca, Wyatt & Annabelle

    Beautiful and worthy of praise…

    His strength is seen through you in moments like these.

    Love~ Rebecca

    ~I, too, lost it when I was shown Annabelle’s choices for her “new bed”. They should never be made that small. Her’s ties with a bow…and I will never forget doing that for her. Audrey’s “new bed” is beautiful and simple and fits her so well.

  • Scott, Rebecca, Wyatt & Annabelle

    Beautiful and worthy of praise…

    His strength is seen through you in moments like these.

    Love~ Rebecca

    ~I, too, lost it when I was shown Annabelle’s choices for her “new bed”. They should never be made that small. Her’s ties with a bow…and I will never forget doing that for her. Audrey’s “new bed” is beautiful and simple and fits her so well.

  • Scott, Rebecca, Wyatt & Annabelle

    Beautiful and worthy of praise…

    His strength is seen through you in moments like these.

    Love~ Rebecca

    ~I, too, lost it when I was shown Annabelle’s choices for her “new bed”. They should never be made that small. Her’s ties with a bow…and I will never forget doing that for her. Audrey’s “new bed” is beautiful and simple and fits her so well.

  • Scott, Rebecca, Wyatt & Annabelle

    Beautiful and worthy of praise…

    His strength is seen through you in moments like these.

    Love~ Rebecca

    ~I, too, lost it when I was shown Annabelle’s choices for her “new bed”. They should never be made that small. Her’s ties with a bow…and I will never forget doing that for her. Audrey’s “new bed” is beautiful and simple and fits her so well.

  • Scott, Rebecca, Wyatt & Annabelle

    Beautiful and worthy of praise…

    His strength is seen through you in moments like these.

    Love~ Rebecca

    ~I, too, lost it when I was shown Annabelle’s choices for her “new bed”. They should never be made that small. Her’s ties with a bow…and I will never forget doing that for her. Audrey’s “new bed” is beautiful and simple and fits her so well.

  • Scott, Rebecca, Wyatt & Annabelle

    Beautiful and worthy of praise…

    His strength is seen through you in moments like these.

    Love~ Rebecca

    ~I, too, lost it when I was shown Annabelle’s choices for her “new bed”. They should never be made that small. Her’s ties with a bow…and I will never forget doing that for her. Audrey’s “new bed” is beautiful and simple and fits her so well.

  • Scott, Rebecca, Wyatt & Annabelle

    Beautiful and worthy of praise…

    His strength is seen through you in moments like these.

    Love~ Rebecca

    ~I, too, lost it when I was shown Annabelle’s choices for her “new bed”. They should never be made that small. Her’s ties with a bow…and I will never forget doing that for her. Audrey’s “new bed” is beautiful and simple and fits her so well.

  • Scott, Rebecca, Wyatt & Annabelle

    Beautiful and worthy of praise…

    His strength is seen through you in moments like these.

    Love~ Rebecca

    ~I, too, lost it when I was shown Annabelle’s choices for her “new bed”. They should never be made that small. Her’s ties with a bow…and I will never forget doing that for her. Audrey’s “new bed” is beautiful and simple and fits her so well.

  • Scott, Rebecca, Wyatt & Annabelle

    Beautiful and worthy of praise…

    His strength is seen through you in moments like these.

    Love~ Rebecca

    ~I, too, lost it when I was shown Annabelle’s choices for her “new bed”. They should never be made that small. Her’s ties with a bow…and I will never forget doing that for her. Audrey’s “new bed” is beautiful and simple and fits her so well.

  • Angie P.

    I pray that one day soon you will feel whole again. Now that I say that, I don’t know if that will even be completely possible. I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your family.

  • Hooker Family

    Thank you for sharing your stories with me day in, and day out! Again, you are such an inspiration to me! God Bless!

  • Lori

    It is anything but normal, it’s achingly real and raw. I’ve lost many people “too young”. I wish I’d journaled or had a blog back then. Sharp moments stand out amongst a blur of hurt and grief and sadness and some anger. I’m so very sorry.

  • queenie76

    OH Angie!
    I was moved to tears by the beautiful story of Kate and her thinking in her little mind that she would “see” Audrey. Bless her heart. The pics of the serice are beautiful adn heartrenching. I love the fact that you are willing to share these private monments with your “blog family”. I know that I cannot adn willnot understand the degree that you are greiving, but know that I just wanna drive to Franklin, give you hug and eat chocolate! You are an Inspiration Angie Smith! More than you know!
    God Bless!
    Tara

  • have a lovely

    speechless…so many times I read your blog and leave with a touched heart, flowing tears, a deeper understanding…and so speechless. Audrey was “speechless” too…but you have allowed her “short” life to tell the greatest novel. What a beautiful gift you have given her. When you couldn’t give her life you gave her a life of meaning. You are such a wonderful example and strength to us all.

  • mommyrose

    Oh Angie..I wish I had the words to say. When Kate didn’t understand why she couldn’t see Audrey. :( (((hugs)))

    Krista

  • a woman found

    Everytime I read your blog I ball my eyes out and cry out to God in a more vulnerable way than ever! I am reminded of the brevity of our time here and the eternity of our stay outside this place and it makes my priorities get in the right order real fast!

    I’m praying that the vision of what’s more real than what you’ve experienced here will overwhelm your pain. I pray that we all would set our eyes on Jesus and be willing to walk through whatever He wants us to on this side trusting that what He has for us there is much better.

    I’m praying for your aching heart!
    sheila

  • Angie

    Your sweet baby girl has touched more lives in her short little one, than most do in a lifetime. I truly thank God for the chance to ‘know’ your sweet baby girl, if only by reading through the tears and faith of her mama. God’s glory is being seen in her life and in her death…which is what He longs for each of us. Yet many of us stop that from happening. Your baby girl fulfilled what I believe God’s purpose is for all of our lives…in the span of her short one. She has taught me so much. Know that this mommy of 3 will never forget your sweet Audrey.
    Angie xo

  • Celeste Dodge

    I don’t know where to start to express my sorrow for you and also my gratitude that you are sharing your journey with us. My sister in law found out on her due date that her baby had passed away in utero and delivered her the next day. That was in January. We are still greiving immensely. I feel a little bit of your pain, just knowing what we have been going through as well. I am thankful for your faith, it has taught me much. I am also thankful for your weak moments, because it shows me that it’s okay to be weak sometimes too. I think about you often and I know it will only get better as you learn to deal with the new “normal” that is your family’s life. I would like you to be able to see our blog too if you want. My email is rcdodge@msn.com. Just send me an email and I will invite you. God bless you and your sweet family.

  • Lift Up Your Hearts

    Your sweet Audrey went to be with Jesus the same day my precious Grandmother did. It’s a completely different thing but I can relate to the bizarre feeling of – wow, my loved one is in Heaven, and it doesn’t get any cooler than that – but oh man, how I long for that flesh. I don’t even know you and I love you and your family. It all really brings meaning to the way we talk about being family in Christ.

  • Kim

    The story of Audrey Caroline touches-no, grabs my heart. The way you write her story-well, it is clear why you were chosen to be that baby girl’s mama. Thank you so very much for sharing the amazing story of a little girl that was so very clearly meant to be.
    Kim

  • Hopesrising

    Angie,I really think you minister to so many. Your post profoundly touch me to the core of my being at times.
    I am a sister of a lost sibling. I was just about five when we lost my Brother.
    Its been over forty years ago but your words your thoughts bring back a flood of memories that,are hard but even so Angie. I don’t want to forget any of it.
    My Parents,couldn’t talk about it.Still they can’t and don’t. If I bring it up it hushed and tucked away once again.
    My Moms reason is he died and I had all of you to raise. Rightly so but he was still my Brother..
    Growing up I found myself talking to aunts uncles grandparents and those who knew my brother. Simply to talk about him. My oldest sister couldn’t talk about him and still doesn’t till this day. Sad really.
    So the only sibling that I have that can is less a year younger and she was just about four at the time. We find peace in being able to talk about Him and remembering him.
    Although there was no talk. I remember running though the grass in the cematary and those visits which spoke volumes growing up.
    I still feel years later a piece of us is missing. As a mom myself I can’t even imagine how my Mom and Dad felt. But to hush things and never talk about Him. I can’t explain it.
    After reading your post all I could do was cry. Simply for the care you gave to Kate. Allowing her to grieve with you Angie is hard but needed. Embrace your girls Angie.
    When I saw the pictures of the funeral they are heart wrenching and touched me to the core of my being.
    But they provide some form of closure. Something I did not have with my brother. I wasn’t allow just told to young to be there. How could it be?? I am was and still will always be His sibling.
    I can say time heals it does for some but for me it will always be just different. I will always wonder about what it was like if he were around. I will always always be a sister!
    So thanks in your writing your ministry I guess I want you to know just how special you are and what your sharing here. It touches each of us reading in a different way,for different reasons.
    One thing I know and see is your a wonderful mom Angie. There is no book on what your going through, But there is God to carry us as we go. I also promise you that Kate will be a profound touched by how you are handling things with her.

    Me I just want to reach out and give you the biggest cyber hugs for helping me heal in so many ways.God is working though you Angie for so many of us. Audrey will be forever in my heart.

    Holding your family close in prayer.
    Kerry

  • Jenn

    Crying with you right now…thank you for sharing.

  • Heidi P

    Angie, First I must introduce myself. I have been reading your blog for months now, and you have been often on my heart. I do pray for you and your family regularly. We have a family in our community who lost their 1 year old due to a heart condition around the same time as Audrey went to be with with Jesus. I has been a priveledge to lift both families up in prayer, and be reminded of God’s truths in times of real sorrow.

    Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable. You are blessing so many.

    Here is my prayer for you from this mornings quiet time:
    May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13) May you find more and more moments of sheer joy, may your beautiful girls be filled with joy by the Holy Spirit and may that joy be contagious to all those around. May you have a day of fun today, a respite from the storm. In Jesus’ mighty name. Amen.

    Heidi

  • Roxanne Kristina

    Every time I catch up with your writing I think, “This will be the time I will be able to day something meaninful,” but end up crying. A good cry. Thank you.

    Roxanne
    http://www.sharingnotes.blogspot.com

  • Colette

    Since your last post I’ve been desperately trying to think of something I could say which didn’t seem lame. When I’m lost for words I normally just tell you that you’re in my prayers but I wanted something better this time but the words just never came… So I’ll tell you now that you never leave my prayers.

    I love the photograph where you can see the wind blowing in your hair – it made me smile through my tears – it’s Audrey telling you that she was there watching her special day.

    My heart broke for poor Kate and all her wide-eyed innocence but hopefully she’ll learn that she can still talk to Audrey, still play with Audrey even if she can’t see her.

    P.S. The flowers you brought Audrey are truly beautiful, I’m sure she felt very special.

  • Mab

    I type this as tears just stream down my face.
    You amaze me Angie.
    I pray for you, Todd and the girls daily.
    Love,
    Arlene

  • Kathy

    I cried as I looked at the picture of your husband kissing the little casket. Before we left the cemetery at my daughter’s burial, I waited until all the people walked away. Then I reached in my purse for my lipstick, rubbed it on my lips, and then I lifted her tiny casket to my lap and kissed it. I wanted my kiss to be there always. Your pictures are beautiful.

    Kathy

  • Brandy

    Your story continues to touch me. I cannot begin to imagine the emotions you felt the day Audrey was buried…or today for that matter. I don’t even know you, but I think of your family often.

    ((HUGS))

  • Brandy

    Reading your story continues to touch my heart. I cannot begin to imagine how you felt the day you buried sweet Audrey…or today for that matter or how you deal with it all.

    ((HUGS))

  • Erin

    Angie,
    Thank you for sharing. Your openess ad willingness to share are such beautiful words.

    Praying for you and your family often,
    Erin

  • Erin

    Thank you for sharing!

    I pray for your family often.

    Joyfully,
    Erin

  • Becoming Me

    I have no words. You and your family are loved. My prayers are with you.

  • krista

    I don’t know where to start. How about “thank you”!! Your gift for writing and honesty has been a blessing to me. I am pregnant with a baby girl who, like Audrey, isn’t going to make it long in this world. A friend told me about you and Audrey and this spot has given me so much. I do feel your pain but more than that, you have shown me that there is hope. The Lord has used you to remind me of His Grace and His love for me and my unborn daughter, even in such pain. May God bless you and shower His love on you

  • Sweet Baby Whispers

    I know your pain all too well. I lost my daughter at 22 weeks in Feb and her headstone was just placed a few weeks ago. It made everything all the more real seeing her name etched into stone. I posted pics on my blog.

    Thank you for sharing your story…I read it faithfully and cry when I see someone else going through the same pain I am…we should never have had to pick those small coffins to bury our baby girls in.

    I pray to have faith like yours.

  • Amy

    Despite the tradegy of the day, it’s nice that you have beautiful pictures from it. Did you hire a photographer? Friend? I’ve never seen a camera at a funeral, but it is a memorable event.

  • Amy

    Despite the tradegy of the day, it’s nice that you have these beautiful pix. Did you hire a photgrapher? A friend? I’ve never seen a camera at a funeral before, but it is a memorable event.

  • royster family

    wow. your words never cease to amaze me. I continue to listen as your journey blesses those who hear it and hear of it from this endless chain . HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK , “THE SHACK?” When the pace of your life slows, please read it and tell us what you think. BTW, I have nothing to do with promoting this book. My friend made me read it!

  • royster family

    wow. your words never cease to comfort me. I continue to listen as your journey unfolds and links the chain of those who stand at the foot of the cross. If the pace of your life slows soon, yyou should read the book “The Shack”. I would love to know what your pen would write then. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  • kendra

    Oh Angie…tears are just streaming down my face as I read your beautiful entry. I am so sorry. My heart is just broken for you, for Todd, and for your girls. I am so sorry you had to try and explain to sweet Kate something that just isn’t explainable.
    May the God of grace grant you peace and comfort.
    I have no other words….but scripture says The Spirit will intercede for me.
    Thank you for meeting us here, so that we can learn about and love your sweet Audrey.
    Blessings,
    Kendra Hoffman (Portland Or)

  • Happi

    Dear Angie,

    I have been reading this beautiful, honest, God-honoring blog since I first learned of it in April. I apologize that I have lurked here but never commented. Until today, I simply didn’t know what to say.

    I have written a post on my own blog that shares my heart about how much your story has meant to me personally. And I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for living your life “out loud” for all of us to see.

    Your family is truly a beacon, a shining light, and a beautiful testimony of God’s faithfulness, goodness, and love.

    Thank you for sharing the truth of God with all of us, your readers, even in the midst of your grief and pain. God is using you! May His Name be praised!

    I am praying that our great God of hope would fill you and your family with peace and rest in the coming days, weeks, and months to come.

    Thank you, again, for sharing your story.

    With love,
    Happi

  • MistyLynn

    WOW. My heart breaks over and over again for you and your family, as well as for Nicol, Greg & Summer. As a mommy with multiple babies in Heaven it’s soo hard to understand God’s plan for us. I’m encouraged by your faith and want you to know that my prayers are with you continuously.

  • paige

    sweet angie, thank you again for opening your heart, your life for us to see the lord working through you & your baby girls.
    praying for you as you continue through this “new” normal.
    many hugs

  • Kaylee

    How you go through all these comments, I will never know! I have been reading your story for a while now. I can’t even remember how I first heard. But I cry every time I read because of your honesty, trasperancy, pain, joy, faith, love, etc. I grieve my own loss, although different than yours (my younger brother, 26, a year ago). I relate to your emotions so much and your faith is so close to my heart. You articulate it so beautifully. I love that you still have the picture of your ‘pitcher’ up. That was one of the most powerful posts to me. The fact that you obeyed God and broke it was enough, but that He would have you glue it all back together was such a powerful picture of what God does for us through the pain we endure.
    I just wanted to let you know that your blog, your grief, your process, continues to help me in my own, as it is something I will always, always hurt for. I can’t help but connect with others that understand and also hurt, but know the hope and joy that is in Christ and our future reunion with those we love and miss.
    Thank you for that.
    With many blessing, prayers, and tears for you,
    Kaylee W.

  • Heather

    Absolutely stunning! I have followed your story for a while, but haven’t posted until now. I have suffered a loss of a baby by miscarriage…I know not the exact same situation, but still pain. Thank you for being honest and transparent with your thoughts and feelings. It helps others of us know that we aren’t the “only” ones who go through the same emotions. God is using you in a MIGHTY way and I appreciate you allowing him to work through you to touch so many lives. I honestly weep at many of your postings- this one included. Know that I feel your pain through your words. You and your family are prayed for daily.

    The pictures are beautiful. What a treasure you have there.

    God bless you and your family…

    Much love~

  • LMF

    What a beautiful post. I’ve been reading for months and am amazed at all your family has been through. I had to read through the tears about your daughter thinking she was going to see her sister. Praise Jesus she will see here again someday. You all are an amazing family and such a testament to God’s unfailing love. Thank you!

  • lori

    Thanks for sharing. Audrey had and still has weight in this world, and it’s gaining because of you, your concern to help others is amazing, you are amazing

  • love-ly-sa

    i never know what to say after reading your posts, and most of the time it’s because my eyes are pretty blurry from crying over your words.

    you are amazing.

  • Tab

    This side of Heaven, you all will never know the profound impact you have had on us and others. Praying and holding you all up, dear ones. Praying that our Father will richly wrap you in His comfort.

  • Karen

    Angie, I, too, gasped when I saw Audrey’s coffin. Oh how your heart must hurt…and mine hurts for you. I’m sure everyone has shared with you a book that would be helpful during this time, but one I always recommend is “A Grace Disguised” by Jerry (Gerald) Sittser. This book ministered to me in a tremendous way when my sister passed away so suddenly and unexpectedly. I pray it can minister to you as well. In the love of Christ, Karen

  • Joel and Joylynn

    I have commented a few times. I know your pain too well. My only son was suddenly gone. I dont know if God took Jacob or if He just allowed it. Either way I want my boy back. I feel selfish because I know he is in a better place. I know this road is one that I will survive as long as I lean on Him; but I wonder if I will make it.

  • Jennifer

    I don’t know what to say, but wanted you to know that you have touched me again. While reading this blog, I was listening to Selah’s Press On. I will continue to remember you and your family in my prayers. Could you keep me in your prayers as well? (I lost my baby girl at 19 weeks – so many comments I’m not sure if you remember me posting before) I wish I could give you and your family a big giant hug. I hope you feel the love of all of us you have invited into your lives.

  • kari

    praying…….

  • Scott

    I sit here at work with tears welling in my eyes, prayer no one needs me this minute. My heart definitely goes out to you and your family daily as I look for any updates on you blog. Thank you for being a blessing to all in the diffucult time. You have helped me remember on an occassion or two when I forget that God is in control. My family’s prayers are with you,
    Scott

  • Scott

    Thank you very much for making sit here at work crying and praying that no one comes to need my help at this moment! Thank you though for making a difference and giving me strength as I go through lifes difficulties!

  • Holly

    Oh Angie…I hurt with you. And I am glad that someone put a light in the middle of the flowers.

    The Lord in the midst of you is mighty, sweet Angie. May His song over you fill you and carry you.

    Your daughter’s heart is beautiful. just like her Mama’s.

    Continuing to pray for your family, for Nicol’s.

  • LisaR

    I have just read your whole page and can’t stop crying. Thank you so much for sharing your pain your love and your story.Last year two of my sisters passed away just 7 month apart. Patsy lossed her battle with cancer on April 9th and Sue very sudden and unexpectly passed on November 29th from heart failure. I had been out enjoying dinner with my three kids, my husband was doing his second deployment that year in Iraq (we are Air force) I had a message from my sister all she said was ” Sue is in full cardiac arrest and they can’t revive her call me. WHAT, I could not process this. When I called they told me she was gone. I was devasted. I went home last month to visit and the first place I went when I got into town was the cemetary. I had not seen her marker yet. There all in a row was Sue, daddy and Patsy. Wow that was hard to see. Your lose is so much different than mine I can’t imagine loosing my child. I think of you and pray for you everday. Bring the Rain has been my life song this year. Your blog has meant so much to me. God bless you sweet lady. Lisa

  • Tera

    Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. Your testimony is amazing.

  • Nayeli

    I cry and mourn along with you, but I am excited to one day meet your little girl in heaven and tell her what a blessing her mommy has been to so many people.
    Thank you for sharing.

  • Nayeli

    My heart mourns along with you.
    But please know that I’m looking forward to the day when I meet your little girl in heaven and tell her what a blessing her mommy was to so many people

  • Nancy

    Thank you so much for sharing your words and the photos. I also have tears in my eyes. You are one amazing woman and I admire your ability to go on through everyday. You are such a great mom to be so real with the girls. You are always in my prayers!

  • walkingbyfaith

    Thank you so much for sharing a part of Audrey’s story that you didn’t have to. What beautiful, yet heart-breaking pictures.

  • Mary C

    Thank you for sharing that. I am crying for you now, as I do whenever I read one of your posts. I love that the band-aids were removed. That was beautiful. May God bless your family.

  • Eric and Michelle

    What a good Mommy you are.

  • Marfa

    Thank you for sharing the story of Audrey, your faith and trust in God makes it beautiful to read. May your family be blessed with eternal life with God.

  • Hopeful Q-Mom

    Angie,
    When you wrote “As I drove away, I looked back at the roses and I couldn’t help but think of how much I wished she could have had a wedding bouquet herself.”, I couldn’t help but think that she will need a wedding bouqeut in Heaven. I think my three children who are in Heaven will need them too. I am going to have them made, and ready on each of their ascents to Heaven anniversaries.

  • Michelle Bentham

    I have no words except, thank you for being brave enough to share such a deeply personal time with us.

    I have many words about my Justin and his funeral, but will save them for my own story elsewhere.

    I will say that the marker day was a bittersweet day for our family as well and I felt that same gasp of finality as well as a since of joy that his new resting place officially had an address with his name on it.

    I will be in prayer for you and for Jessica and her new baby and family. God’s glory shine on you all!

  • Tami Muhlbauer

    Thank you so much for your sharing your heart. I pray for you and your family everyday and enjoy seeing you grow stronger with each entry you make. Even though I can not imagine the grief you feel I do know that the scriptures tell us to bare one anothers burdens. And that’s what I’m doing…even though you may never meet me, I daily, carry you to the throne of God where Grace and Peace fall all around you….
    Tami

  • alexis.vieira

    i am too young and childless, only 17, to really understand what it feels like to have a child or lose a child but I read your blog every time you post and every time my eyes are never dry when im done.

    your story is so beautiful although sad and your family will always be in my prayers.

  • Tales From the Eurovan

    Dear Angie,
    I can’t even see to write these words due to my tears. What a beautiful post. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers. The faith of a child,how sweet.
    Take care,
    Julie H

  • Jamie

    Beautiful pictures. Please know that Audrey Caroline ministers to my life everyday. I am praying that God will now heal the band aids that are on your broken heart.

  • Whitney

    I am amazed by your strength. Thank you for the ministry of this blog.

  • Whitney

    Thank you for the ministry that is this blog. I am amazed by your strength. Today is the first day I have read it. I don’t know how I stumbled upon it but I am grateful to have done so. I am praying for you and your family.

  • The B’s

    I have been a “silent reader” for a while now, I cry with each entry I read. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and hurt you are going through. We are praying for you and that you will feel His healing hands upon your hurting heart. Your story has impacted more people than you will ever know. May He be praised!

  • momof4kr

    I have been beyond inspired by each of your blog entries…

    God has blessed you with such an anointed gift with words!

    You certainly comfort others with the comfort you have received. Your loss has proven to be an INCREDIBLE gift to hundreds of people. He certainly is working together “good” in all things.
    Agape Love to you my Friend,
    Katie
    <><

  • Jeanine

    I sit here with tears after looking at those amazing pictures and reading your words. I am praying for you, for the Lord to heal your heart and fill your days with joy…to turn your mourning into dancing. Thank you for sharing Audry with us.

  • Donahue Family

    I am sitting here crying. My heart is with you and aching for you. I have been blessed with 2 beautiful girls and I can’t imagine what you are going through. My prayers are with you and your family.

    God Bless,
    Crystal

  • Mountainmom

    Keep keepin’ on, dear Angie. We are all behind you, cheering from the sidelines as you press on. Thanks for sharing the precious photos.
    Lori C. in VA

  • alexis.vieira

    im only 17 but i manage to feel so sad every time i read your blog.

    You have great courage and strength and all my prayers are with you.

  • The Asquad

    you have really touched me tonight. i’ve been so busy with my living childrens’ activities that i have been away from the computer for awhile.

    we call the cemetary ‘the memory place’. it just has become one of the many words that i have refused to use.

    so many things you wrote about here are so much the same for me!!1. we just received aaron’s name stone this past may–the week before memorial day. it matches adam’s, just the babes are facing towards each other. i, too remember wanting to go over and see it as soon as i could. i remember pulling up to it and thinking-”This just ain’t fair!!” It’s one thing to have one babe name stone, it just puts one over the edge to have 2. i’ll post pics of it in the next month.

    2. I truly believe that we suffer from post-traumatic syndrome. our minds spin, we go places and sometimes don’t remember how we got there, etc…

    3. I too find refuge in the shower, it’s the one place that I won’t get ‘caught’ crying (losing it).

    4. I don’t remember the days that my boys were born, nor the days of the funerals.

    5. we purposely had the service at the church later in the afternoon so then we could have a sunset service. it was a gorgeous sunset, i do remember that!!

    6. i have a windchime hanging on the flower hanger post. i love the thought of the wind representing the Holy Spirit, i have always thought of it representing ‘life’. (movement)

    7. i remember the shock of the coffin with adam. i knew what to expect with aaron, unfortunately. i had actually had walked past it a couple times before i realized that that was it. as beautiful as it was, it was soooooooo tiny!

    8. we, too, have a solar light. ours are butterflies. so does my dear friend on her babe’s memory spot. i drive by hers in the night and love seeing baby taylor’s ‘little light of mine”. i just sing “this little light of mine, i’m gonna let it shine”, every time i see it.

    i love seeing your pictures of your memory place/service. thank you for sharing your heart with us!!

    XOXO
    P

  • The Asquad

    you have really touched me tonight. i’ve been so busy with my living childrens’ activities that i have been away from the computer for awhile.

    we call the cemetary ‘the memory place’. it just has become one of the many words that i have refused to use.

    so many things you wrote about here are so much the same for me!!1. we just received aaron’s name stone this past may–the week before memorial day. it matches adam’s, just the babes are facing towards each other. i, too remember wanting to go over and see it as soon as i could. i remember pulling up to it and thinking-”This just ain’t fair!!” It’s one thing to have one babe name stone, it just puts one over the edge to have 2. i’ll post pics of it in the next month.

    2. I truly believe that we suffer from post-traumatic syndrome. our minds spin, we go places and sometimes don’t remember how we got there, etc…

    3. I too find refuge in the shower, it’s the one place that I won’t get ‘caught’ crying (losing it).

    4. I don’t remember the days that my boys were born, nor the days of the funerals.

    5. we purposely had the service at the church later in the afternoon so then we could have a sunset service. it was a gorgeous sunset, i do remember that!!

    6. i have a windchime hanging on the flower hanger post. i love the thought of the wind representing the Holy Spirit, i have always thought of it representing ‘life’. (movement)

    7. i remember the shock of the coffin with adam. i knew what to expect with aaron, unfortunately. i had actually had walked past it a couple times before i realized that that was it. as beautiful as it was, it was soooooooo tiny!

    8. we, too, have a solar light. ours are butterflies. so does my dear friend on her babe’s memory spot. i drive by hers in the night and love seeing baby taylor’s ‘little light of mine”. i just sing “this little light of mine, i’m gonna let it shine”, every time i see it.

    i love seeing your pictures of your memory place/service. thank you for sharing your heart with us!!

    XOXO
    P

  • Cakabaker

    Thak you for continuing to share with us. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family.

  • Jim & Jaylene

    Angie, your family so beautiful inside and out. God has made you such a strong family because of your tragedy. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you all. But know you are in the prayers of many. I love the picture of your husband kissing Audrey’s coffin, it is precious. She is truly loved. God Bless

  • Jim & Jaylene

    Angie, your family so beautiful inside and out. God has made you such a strong family because of your tragedy. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you all. But know you are in the prayers of many. I love the picture of your husband kissing Audrey’s coffin, it is precious. She is truly loved. God Bless

  • Jim & Jaylene

    Angie, your family so beautiful inside and out. God has made you such a strong family because of your tragedy. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you all. But know you are in the prayers of many. I love the picture of your husband kissing Audrey’s coffin, it is precious. She is truly loved. God Bless

  • Jim & Jaylene

    Angie, your family so beautiful inside and out. God has made you such a strong family because of your tragedy. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you all. But know you are in the prayers of many. I love the picture of your husband kissing Audrey’s coffin, it is precious. She is truly loved. God Bless

  • Jim & Jaylene

    Angie, your family so beautiful inside and out. God has made you such a strong family because of your tragedy. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you all. But know you are in the prayers of many. I love the picture of your husband kissing Audrey’s coffin, it is precious. She is truly loved. God Bless

  • Jim & Jaylene

    Angie, your family so beautiful inside and out. God has made you such a strong family because of your tragedy. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you all. But know you are in the prayers of many. I love the picture of your husband kissing Audrey’s coffin, it is precious. She is truly loved. God Bless

  • Jim & Jaylene

    Angie, your family so beautiful inside and out. God has made you such a strong family because of your tragedy. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you all. But know you are in the prayers of many. I love the picture of your husband kissing Audrey’s coffin, it is precious. She is truly loved. God Bless

  • Jim & Jaylene

    Angie, your family so beautiful inside and out. God has made you such a strong family because of your tragedy. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you all. But know you are in the prayers of many. I love the picture of your husband kissing Audrey’s coffin, it is precious. She is truly loved. God Bless

  • Jim & Jaylene

    Angie, your family so beautiful inside and out. God has made you such a strong family because of your tragedy. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you all. But know you are in the prayers of many. I love the picture of your husband kissing Audrey’s coffin, it is precious. She is truly loved. God Bless

  • Jim & Jaylene

    Angie, your family so beautiful inside and out. God has made you such a strong family because of your tragedy. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you all. But know you are in the prayers of many. I love the picture of your husband kissing Audrey’s coffin, it is precious. She is truly loved. God Bless

  • Jim & Jaylene

    Angie, your family so beautiful inside and out. God has made you such a strong family because of your tragedy. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you all. But know you are in the prayers of many. I love the picture of your husband kissing Audrey’s coffin, it is precious. She is truly loved. God Bless

  • Jim & Jaylene

    Angie, your family so beautiful inside and out. God has made you such a strong family because of your tragedy. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you all. But know you are in the prayers of many. I love the picture of your husband kissing Audrey’s coffin, it is precious. She is truly loved. God Bless

  • fransmomma

    bless you sweet angie. i cannot imagine the emotions you are experiencing during this time. your family is in my prayers. the pictures are beautiful. thank you for sharing them with us.

  • The Littles

    Angie, I have only been reading your blog for a few weeks, and I was reminded of a poem I fell in love with when a close friend of mine died a few years ago. I was shocked when I re-read it today and found that the name used in the poem is Caroline. Perfect.
    Here is it, hopefully this isn’t too long to put in my post. My heart is broken for you and your family (I have an 8 month old named Lorelai Kate) and yall are in my prayers daily. keep writing- your faith is an inspiration.

    Go Down, Death
    by James Weldon Johnson
    (A Funeral Sermon)

    Weep not, weep not,
    She is not dead;
    She’s resting in the bosom of Jesus.
    Heart-broken husband–weep no more;
    Grief-stricken son–weep no more;
    Left-lonesome daughter –weep no more;
    She only just gone home.

    Day before yesterday morning,
    God was looking down from his great, high heaven,
    Looking down on all his children,
    And his eye fell on Sister Caroline,
    Tossing on her bed of pain.
    And God’s big heart was touched with pity,
    With the everlasting pity.

    And God sat back on his throne,
    And he commanded that tall, bright angel standing at his right hand:
    Call me Death!
    And that tall, bright angel cried in a voice
    That broke like a clap of thunder:
    Call Death!–Call Death!
    And the echo sounded down the streets of heaven
    Till it reached away back to that shadowy place,
    Where Death waits with his pale, white horses.

    And Death heard the summons,
    And he leaped on his fastest horse,
    Pale as a sheet in the moonlight.
    Up the golden street Death galloped,
    And the hooves of his horses struck fire from the gold,
    But they didn’t make no sound.
    Up Death rode to the Great White Throne,
    And waited for God’s command.

    And God said: Go down, Death, go down,
    Go down to Savannah, Georgia,
    Down in Yamacraw,
    And find Sister Caroline.
    She’s borne the burden and heat of the day,
    She’s labored long in my vineyard,
    And she’s tired–
    She’s weary–
    Go down, Death, and bring her to me.

    And Death didn’t say a word,
    But he loosed the reins on his pale, white horse,
    And he clamped the spurs to his bloodless sides,
    And out and down he rode,
    Through heaven’s pearly gates,
    Past suns and moons and stars;
    on Death rode,
    Leaving the lightning’s flash behind;
    Straight down he came.

    While we were watching round her bed,
    She turned her eyes and looked away,
    She saw what we couldn’t see;
    She saw Old Death. She saw Old Death
    Coming like a falling star.
    But Death didn’t frighten Sister Caroline;
    He looked to her like a welcome friend.
    And she whispered to us: I’m going home,
    And she smiled and closed her eyes.

    And Death took her up like a baby,
    And she lay in his icy arms,
    But she didn’t feel no chill.
    And death began to ride again–
    Up beyond the evening star,
    Into the glittering light of glory,
    On to the Great White Throne.
    And there he laid Sister Caroline
    On the loving breast of Jesus.

    And Jesus took his own hand and wiped away her tears,
    And he smoothed the furrows from her face,
    And the angels sang a little song,
    And Jesus rocked her in his arms,
    And kept a-saying: Take your rest,
    Take your rest.

    Weep not–weep not,
    She is not dead;
    She’s resting in the bosom of Jesus.

    Let me know if you read this.
    SweetKate611@hotmail.com
    Much Love from a Stranger…
    Katie

  • The Littles

    Angie, I have only been reading your blog for a few weeks but my heart is broken for you and your family. I have an 8 month old girl (lorelai Katie.) You and your family are in my prayers daily. I thought about an old poem I fell in love with when a friend of mine died a few years back, and I was shocked when I re-read it and saw the name in the poem is Caroline. I hope you find the same comfort in it that I did years ago.

    Go Down, Death
    by James Weldon Johnson

    (A Funeral Sermon)

    Weep not, weep not,
    She is not dead;
    She’s resting in the bosom of Jesus.
    Heart-broken husband–weep no more;
    Grief-stricken son–weep no more;
    Left-lonesome daughter –weep no more;
    She only just gone home.

    Day before yesterday morning,
    God was looking down from his great, high heaven,
    Looking down on all his children,
    And his eye fell on Sister Caroline,
    Tossing on her bed of pain.
    And God’s big heart was touched with pity,
    With the everlasting pity.

    And God sat back on his throne,
    And he commanded that tall, bright angel standing at his right hand:
    Call me Death!
    And that tall, bright angel cried in a voice
    That broke like a clap of thunder:
    Call Death!–Call Death!
    And the echo sounded down the streets of heaven
    Till it reached away back to that shadowy place,
    Where Death waits with his pale, white horses.

    And Death heard the summons,
    And he leaped on his fastest horse,
    Pale as a sheet in the moonlight.
    Up the golden street Death galloped,
    And the hooves of his horses struck fire from the gold,
    But they didn’t make no sound.
    Up Death rode to the Great White Throne,
    And waited for God’s command.

    And God said: Go down, Death, go down,
    Go down to Savannah, Georgia,
    Down in Yamacraw,
    And find Sister Caroline.
    She’s borne the burden and heat of the day,
    She’s labored long in my vineyard,
    And she’s tired–
    She’s weary–
    Go down, Death, and bring her to me.

    And Death didn’t say a word,
    But he loosed the reins on his pale, white horse,
    And he clamped the spurs to his bloodless sides,
    And out and down he rode,
    Through heaven’s pearly gates,
    Past suns and moons and stars;
    on Death rode,
    Leaving the lightning’s flash behind;
    Straight down he came.

    While we were watching round her bed,
    She turned her eyes and looked away,
    She saw what we couldn’t see;
    She saw Old Death. She saw Old Death
    Coming like a falling star.
    But Death didn’t frighten Sister Caroline;
    He looked to her like a welcome friend.
    And she whispered to us: I’m going home,
    And she smiled and closed her eyes.

    And Death took her up like a baby,
    And she lay in his icy arms,
    But she didn’t feel no chill.
    And death began to ride again–
    Up beyond the evening star,
    Into the glittering light of glory,
    On to the Great White Throne.
    And there he laid Sister Caroline
    On the loving breast of Jesus.

    And Jesus took his own hand and wiped away her tears,
    And he smoothed the furrows from her face,
    And the angels sang a little song,
    And Jesus rocked her in his arms,
    And kept a-saying: Take your rest,
    Take your rest.

    Weep not–weep not,
    She is not dead;
    She’s resting in the bosom of Jesus.

    Let me know that you read this…
    SweetKate611@hotmail.com
    Much love from a stranger,
    Katie

  • The Littles

    Angie, I have only been reading your blog for a few weeks but my heart is broken for you and your family. I have an 8 month old girl (lorelai Katie.) You and your family are in my prayers daily. I thought about an old poem I fell in love with when a friend of mine died a few years back, and I was shocked when I re-read it and saw the name in the poem is Caroline. I hope you find the same comfort in it that I did years ago.

    Go Down, Death
    by James Weldon Johnson
    (A Funeral Sermon)

    Let me know that you read this…
    SweetKate611@hotmail.com
    Much love from a stranger,
    Katie

  • Leah

    I cry everytime I come to your page…my heart aches for you. I can’t even imagine…you’re strength is amazing. I’ve said it so many times before, but thank you for sharing your heart with us.

  • Leah

    I cry everytime I read one of your entries. My heart aches for you. Thank you so much for sharing your strength and faith.

  • Brysmommy, Kenswifey

    You absolutely AMAZE me!!! This was a very spirit filled blog..and I thank you for sharing it with us..I do hope that you will be able to somehow include us who live far away to be a part of your Bible study..I would LOVE to participate..Praying for you!

  • Laura

    Praying for you through the tears, Angie.

  • Stef

    Angie,
    My husband and I got as far as looking at these pictures and at the glimpse of that tiny coffin… we both lost it. This helped remind me to pray for you guys daily; for God’s continued peace and comfort to you all.

    I’m glad you have this completed and I’m sure it was a huge help for you, in your healing process.

  • Another Sunny Day

    I know you don’t know who I am, and that you have many friends by your side, but I wanted to let you know that I am so sorry. My husband and I will be in prayer for you and your beautiful family.

  • Another Sunny Day

    I know you don’t know who I am, and that you have many friends surrounding you, but I wanted to let you know that I am so sorry. My husband and I will be in prayer for you and your beautiful family.

  • wendymom

    Praying for you this moment as I read this post. God is going to use this HUGELY, and he already is. I can only imagine your level of sorrow, as I myself suffered 2 miscarriages, but somehow God healed me and now I can talk about it, have told my girls about our babies in heaven. I never even thought I would be able to go on. But God changed me and I now have 11. Who knows what else God has in store for your precious family. May you keep giving Him the glory and using your story for His Kingdom.
    Blessings from GA,
    wendy

  • jennyhope

    Oh how I remember this day in my life as well. We just weren’t meant for death since He set eternity in our hearts. Thank you for wrestling through with the Lord. much love

  • Tinsley Family

    chills and heartache for you sweetie..praying for peace…everyday.

  • Angella

    I am new hear and cannot imagine your pain. I love God and Jesus, and know they surround you in times like these…but I do not know if I would be strong enough…

    Blessings.