The Mourning and the Dancing

I think I may miss posting this on the actual day by a few minutes (update-actually it’s 2 FULL days late and a 3 FULL days of working on it). Many would call them “glitches.” I call them glitches as well, I just call them by his name; satan. I don’t know that I have EVER sensed spiritual warfare as I have in the past few days. The internet would go out EXACTLY when I would try to post, videos would literally disappear, and on and on. In fact I think my computer just bit the dust. (This was just confirmed while Todd talked to an “expert” on the phone just now…please pray I can retrieve the info that was on there…)
Today, when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Audrey’s death certificate came in the mail. I just sat and cried, but I did not give up because I believe there is a power in this video that will glorify God, and I want you to meet my daughter. He never left my side, hour after painstaking hour, and even when I shared a few “choice words” with him:) 
May He receive the glory from it all…
(original post from 1/7 2009 follows)
Judging by my overflowing inboxes and the notes I received all day, many of you remembered that this is the one year anniversary of the day we received Audrey’s diagnosis.  I didn’t handle it well, to be completely honest. I decided that I wanted to make a video (very ameteur, please don’t let that distract you- I have never done this before) of her, and significant moments of our life together.
I alluded a few days ago to seeing a whole new side of me…this is not that project, by the way:) 
I was up until 3 a.m. last night (4/6-4/7) watching the videos from Audrey’s day with us.
I had never seen them before.
There are two sides to this post.  The first is that I fell completely in love with my daughter all over again because I hadn’t seen her that way since the day she was born. I cried until I couldn’t breathe, and my computer screen was covered in the fingerprints of a mother who wants her daughter back.
The second (as you will see) is that ONLY the Lord Himself could have orchestrated the peace that filled the room the day we had with our girl.
I want to say something really profound here, and to give you life-changing words that you will carry with you, outpouring from a heart that has experienced God’s grace firsthand. Of course, the only way to know that peace is to know Him. Nothing I say can make you believe in His love the way He desires you to. 
As you watch, please know that I am choosing to share this video because I trust you with my daughter. I feel safe with you, and I want you to know that the transparency I am able to display is quite simply because it is not my story to tell.
I just showed up and asked the Master to speak to His servant.
I hope you will too…in many ways.  And if you have questions about Jesus, please e-mail me. I would be honored to talk to you about the One Who really matters.
The One that allows a mother to reveal the darkest day of her life in the hopes that others will seek the great light that is our Lord.
I am humbled, honored, and blessed to introduce you (in a new way) to my fourth daughter, Audrey Caroline. May her life continue to be the beacon it was intended to be, and for the rest of my days, may I humbly serve as her voice in this life.
Thank you, Sundays.  
Now make yourself comfortable for about 11 minutes, and meet the one who captured all of our hearts…I do want to make you aware that when the girls are sitting on the bed with me and a nurse comes to take Audrey’s pulse (approximately 9 minutes into the video), she nods to tell me that we have lost her to this world. You will see me mouth the words, “she’s gone.” The girls never knew that she had just been greeted by the King of Kings. I needed to keep up a strong face for the kids, but I was crushed. I ask them if they know where she really is and then ask what she might be doing. I kind of do a funny dance for them to picture her dancing, but other than that, I don’t make a big deal out of it because I was really worried about their response. I mention all of this so that you can use your judgment in sharing with others who may not be comfortable with the situation.
At the end of the video, you will see us sitting by her casket as a family. Sarah Kate is ripping off the band-aids to signify that she is healed; and praise God, we believe she is.
“For in our suffering, not apart from it, Jesus enters our
 sadness, takes us by the hand, 
pulls us gently up to stand, and invites us to dance.  
We find the way to pray, as the psalmist did,  
“You have turned my mourning into dancing” (Ps 30:11), 
because at the center of our grief
 we can find the grace of God.”

(excerpt from Henri Nouwen’s “Turn My Mourning Into Dancing”)
With more love than I can express,
To watch:
1. mute the blog music on the bottom of the page
2. push play on the movie, and as soon as it begins to play, double click the picture
3. 3 options will appear if you hover in the top right-hand corner. If the picture is taking up the whole page, click the third one “scaling is off.” This is the best clarity to see it in. When “scaling is on”, it is full page but a little blurrier 🙂

Sweet Audrey-Girl from angie smith on Vimeo.                      

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1 Comment

  • Reply KariB April 28, 2014 at 9:34 am

    Thank you for sharing these precious moments. I know that heartache and the pain and my prayers are with you always. What a beautiful, tough and touching moment. :O) My mothers heart will keep you in my prayers and all those who have lost their precious babies no matter what.
    I lost my precious Stefanie when she was 21yrs. old. the day after Easter in 2009. It was the worse day of my life and no one can really understand unless they have been through this. I am soo glad that my God is my strength and refuge, otherwise, I don’t think I could continue living without Him holding me up and filling me with His peace and joy. I still have very sad days but I run to the Lord, and He holds me until I can pick myself up again and carry on! I am just glad that I have no regrets to live with when it concerns my relationship with my daughter and I always make sure to tell those around me how much I love them and make sure they know it by my actions.. My prayer is that the pain I went through can be used to help others and encourage them to love like there is no tomorrow because we do not know the time we have with our friends and family.
    Bless you and yours with the presence of God, His peace, His joy and His promise that we will be together in eternity forever!

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